Stephan Pastis's Blog, page 21

Stephan in the Land of the Beautiful People

I'm going to Miami in a couple weeks.  I'm going with my friend Emilio.

We're gonna drink a lot and go to the beach.

Most wives would have trouble with their husbands going on drinking trips with their degenerate friends, but not Staci.  She loves when I leave.

That's troubling.

More troubling is the fact that she gave me a pack of Crest teeth-whitening strips to use before the trip.

I'm not sure what that means.

The only thing I can figure out is that she has a boyfriend and wants to leave me for ...

On the Importance of Good Sportsmanship

Staci makes me go to her cousins' house for most holidays.

While most people talk, my twelve-year-old son Thomas and I play video games against Staci's cousins, Ken and Joe.  Ken and Joe are my age.

Ken and Joe always beat us, not because they're good, but because it's their games we're playing.

So last year I brought a brand new game, NBA Live, figuring that if we were all starting from scratch, it would be a fairer game.  Ken unwrapped the cellophane from the game package and we started...

They Call Me Mr. Clean

Staci got mad at me yesterday for always leaving stuff in the middle of the floor.

"I'm the one who has to pick it up," she said, "So when you're walking through a room and you see something lying there, do something.  Don't just leave it for me."

"Okay," I said.

This morning, I saw a sock lying on the floor in front of the nightstand.

It was right out in the open, plain as day.  The very type of thing she told me to do something about.

So I did.

I kicked it under the bed.

A Triscuit, a Tasket, Your Question Do Not Ask It

I found a number on the side of my Triscuit box.  It's for people who have questions about Triscuits.

So I called it.

A woman answered.

"Thank you for calling Kraft Foods.  Can I help you?"

"Hi," I said, "Is this the number for people who have Triscuit-related questions?"

"Yes, it is," she said.

"Great," I said, "I have a buddy who eats a box of Triscuits a day.  As a Triscuit-eater, what can he do to bring about peace in the Middle East?"

There was a long pause.

"I don't have an answer for that,"...

The Critics Are After Me

I don't normally like to discuss people who criticize me and my work, because I think it gives them an unnecessary amount of attention, which is what most of these curmudgeonly loons crave.

But in this case, I've had some pretty harsh things said about me, and I thought I'd show it to you.

You don't have to be logged in to Facebook to see it, but it helps if you are.

Just click HERE to view.

Staci Doesn't Read My Blog, Which Is Why I Can Say All Of The Following

I lose four or five pairs of sunglasses a year.

I leave them in cafes, restaurants, cars, gyms and any other place where I can take them off my head.

So when I buy them, I buy cheap ones.  The $19 ones you get on drugstore racks.

But two weeks ago, I found a great pair for $100.  I knew my wife Staci wouldn't be thrilled, so I called her.  She told me not to buy them because I would lose them.  I told her I really wanted them and that I wouldn't lose them.

I lost them that day.

Don't know where.  ...

What Do You Do The Week After You Make Fun of William Faulkner

Go to Jack London's house and be bored senseless.

But don't take my word for it.  Click HERE to watch.

The Sound of My Fury Toward Overrated Authors Who Confuse Me

I bought three William Faulkner books and forced myself to read them all.

One of them had a family trying to move their dead mom all over town.  One of them had somebody looking for the father of her kid.  And one of them was called The Sound and the Fury.

If you ever want to be so confused that your brain starts to ooze out your ears, read The Sound and the Fury.  I defy you to make one bit of sense out of that monstrosity.  Each chapter is written from the perspective of a different...

On the Importance of Being Yourself

When I was a kid, everyone told me that the most important thing in life was to be myself.

So yesterday, I rode an elevator facing the back wall.

Nobody spoke to me.  The people at my sides stared at me.  And I missed my floor.

When the elevator returned to the ground floor, a building security guy was waiting for me.  I presume someone on the elevator called him.

He asked me if I knew what floor I wanted.  I told him I did, but that I missed it because I was trying to be myself.

He got onto the e...

I Just Won a Gold Medal

So I'm watching the Olympics and I'm rooting for the U.S. four-man bobsled team to win the gold, mostly because no U.S. team has done it since 1948.  The U.S. bobsled, nicknamed "Night Train", is driven by Steven Holcomb.  After three runs, the U.S. team was in first place with only one run to go.

Then I had a random thought.

I wonder if Steven Holcomb has a Facebook page.

So I look him up, and he does.

Then I have another random thought.

I should friend the guy.  He seems like a nice guy.   What ...