Maureen Scanlon's Blog, page 5

How Your Success Brings Out the Worst in Others

So you’re making strides in becoming the best you that you desire-great job! You’ve lost weight, reached a goal, started a process of changing your thoughts and behaviors or you’ve begun chasing a dream… and then you hear a comment about yourself from someone that is not supportive or is downright critical? Or someone close to you is suddenly more quiet than normal?

It can be very difficult to understand why others don’t want you to be happy. 

In a nutshell, it’s because they are not happy. When you succeed, you shine a spotlight on the failures of others. I always say “Others can’t see your rainbow when they’re in their storm”. Celebrities deal with this everyday and they learn to thicken their skin and ignore the “haters.”

Yes, as you struggle, your circle “says” they want success for you, but their actions really say a lot more. Since I’ve started my business and published my book, I can count a handful of true friends that support me on a regular basis. They show up to every event, comment on every post, and share my book every chance they get! 

Those that faded into silence and absence have told me all I ever need to know. 

Do I take it personal? Honestly, sometimes, but then I remember to focus on those in my corner. I remember my purpose and my goal to be an example of the change I want to be in the world. It’s teaching me to “see” people and not just “hear” their words.

Remember that it’s a reflection and projection of their shortcomings and probable insecurities, not yours. 

I always try to see the good in others and give the benefit of the doubt, but after so many excuses of people being busy or broke, it does get difficult.
Stay in harmony and alignment with yourself and “those who love you will ride, those who don’t will divide”-unknown.

I find total strangers giving support and encouragement and it is a wonderful thing. I believe it’s just the law of attraction bringing those like me to my path. Keep surrounding yourself with those who lift you. It will become crystal clear who they are and easier to just disengage from those who don’t. Keep a positive mindset and say “that’s ok, I’m no longer at that place and I choose not to recognize anything or anyone that doesn’t serve my growth “. 

Trust me that when you’re at the top, those that disappointed you will seek you out. 

The post How Your Success Brings Out the Worst in Others appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

Why People Pleasers are Selfish

Now I know when you read that title you thought, “what?” Let’s look at the reasons behind our need and want to please people. Don’t be mistaken, there is a difference between people pleasing and pleasing people. Let me explain…

They will like me– The main reason we do things for people is to get validation for ourselves. It makes us feel good but rarely do we do it for genuine reasons. We seek the approval and want to hear the words that reinforce our “goodness”.


Bank it— Yes, we all have this thought process that we are storing up the good acts and deeds so when we make mistakes we return to the bank and make a withdrawal of our goodness…For example, “I didn’t meet my friend at a gathering when I said I would, but she knows I’m always there for her like when her mother was ill, I went to the hospital.”


I look amazing-– When we please others all of time, we take away from our authenticity of WANTING to do genuine things. I see a lot of people doing things they don’t want to do.

Recently, while coaching a client, she stated she will go to a birthday party but didn’t want to stay that long. She explained to the friend, I will go but need to leave early as I have things to do the next day. She goes to the party, wants to leave and gets “guilted” into staying until the place closes.

She then regretted it the next day. So she didn’t sincerely want to stay, and now she has resentment for herself and her inability to stay true to her needs. She also will avoid the next get-together so she doesn’t get pressured again. When we stop doing what others’ want, we can be more true to ourselves. 

Pleasing People

I feel good about myself.

Here’s the difference… if I love myself, I will do things that make me happy. Sounds simple enough right? If you truly love and value yourself, you do not act or speak in a way that needs validation or feedback from anyone. You will give of yourself and take time to do the gestures that make you feel satisfied at all times, without allowing guilt or anxiety to creep in if you don’t.

Let me give you an example, “I WANT to spend time with my family, so I will call my mother and go visit and have a loving conversation” versus “I know I should visit my family more often, but I have a lot to do and can’t find the time, she’ll be mad if I don’t…”


No ticker sheet

If you are authentic, you will not keep tabs on all of the kind behaviors you have displayed. You will not make a list of everything you’ve done for others just to be able to regurgitate them at a later date. You will have this contentment and continuous instinct to “just do it”. You will spontaneously do things that you know would be valuable to others.

For instance, if you read about a friend on social media going through a struggle in their life,  you call them and give encouragement. NOT because YOU need it, but because you felt they could use a sympathetic ear and you care about their well being.  


Not a care in the world

The most common dialect I hear in coaching is when a client states “so-and-so said this about me, or I’ve always been told I’m…”  We HAVE to stop caring what others think, speak, and believe about us.

The first step is recognizing those tapes we play in our head from our programming. The repetitive negative thoughts and speech that have imbedded in our minds about ourselves continue to hold us back. We judge ourselves so harshly. In my book, “My Dog is More Enlightened Than I am,”  I write about our “heart guard.”

This is the invisible barrier we need to steadfastly envision in front of us around our chest when we are around negativity. Block it and remember how amazing you are! 

         I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 
         Love and blessings, 

The post Why People Pleasers are Selfish appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

No Regerts– Not a Typo!

Here is an excerpt from my book I am currently writing. I plan to begin the publishing process in the next couple months, so be on the lookout!

Chapter 11- No Regerts (not a typo)

Have you ever scrolled the websites with pictures of bad tattoos? My family has to limit my viewing time on these because I really lose myself to hysterics when I see them.

There’s everything from bad portraits, tattoos of animals that don’t even resemble the said animal, and then there’s the misspellings. The most popular one being “No Regerts”, meant to be “No Regrets”.  I think it sums up human nature to it’s fullest. 

First of all, we are not perfect. 

Second, stuff happens.

Third, we’ve all done something at some point that we really wish we hadn’t. 

1.      Let it Go

This is ultimately what keeps Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Therapists, Social Workers, and Hypnotherapists (ok and Life Coaches, too) in business! Everything we do, say, and think, we believe is based on “what happened to me”.  

In some part, it has some truth to it through the programming of our brains when thoughts became beliefs or subconscious observation. The most important point of all change is that we can. Once I meet with a client, we touch on some reasons they believe they behave or think as they do. I do not and will not dwell on the past behavior, but focus on the now and what we can do to change the unwanted.

I find that most people like to relive the past so they can excuse the repetitive behavior they exhibit. Sometimes there is an awareness, but most of the time there is not. The key to changing the current behavior is to recognize and let go of the past. Here’s an example of how I was able to understand this concept:

I always carried a lot of guilt when it came to my children. Their father and I divorced when they were 7, 9, and 10 months old. After the divorce, he was not a big part (or even a small part) of their lives. Every other weekend visits, if that, were the extent of his parenting efforts. For most of my parenting life I have carried a guilt that was misdirected.

I felt bad that I chose a bad father for my kids. I loved, sacrificed, and was a stable, good parent and yet I carried a guilt because of someone else’s behavior. I now know that I chose him so my children would come to exist. I realized I have no part in how someone else does or doesn’t live their life. This was a long journey for me because I also based my happiness on my children’s happiness. I worried what people thought, what my parent’s said, etc.

Letting go of all of that was so freeing! I now live my life for me. I know that everyone makes choices and decisions based on their own beliefs, reality, and ability to make the most of their own lives. It’s a process for sure, but once you come to terms with these facts, it becomes so much easier to let it go and not engage in any blame or feelings that you don’t want. 

2. We’ve All Been There

Show me a person who hasn’t made a bad choice or mistake, and I’ll show you a mirage. It doesn’t exist. Mistakes are experiences with a negative view. If you look back at the instances you call mistakes, look after the fact and think about the good that came from it. Even the worst situations gave us desires for growth and learning lessons we would not have had without them.

We are meant to experience all kinds of instances that cause contrast and conflict in our lives. Not because we ask for hard times, but because we are looking to expand ourselves and our understanding of what to do with the time we have.

I remember a profound moment in my life when I was talking to a friend about a devastating revelation that I found my husband had cheated on me. I gave everything to the marriage and felt my heart had been ripped out. In that moment, I said to the friend, “If I have to go through this to help one person, then I will”.

I have no idea why that thought was there at that moment, but it was. And from that speaking and thinking, I have helped many people through the same hurt. Did I want to feel that gut wrenching pain, No! Did I know that I would use that experience in the future for friends and now a Coaching business? No way! Never look back and wish any moment of your life didn’t happen because you are stronger and smarter for it!

3.      No Filter

On social media today, there are these crazy filters that you can add to a video or a picture that makes you look better. You can add a crown, a dog face, and other fun stuff as well. Although it can be fun, a lot of us won’t post anything until we’ve seen the picture and doctored it a bit.

As I get older, I’m guilty of this. I notice every gray hair and wrinkle. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am but the aging gracefully is a tough one. Are we so afraid of criticism that we can’t freely post our own faces?  

When it comes to speaking, I’ve always said what was on my mind. I’ve definitely learned to be gracious and thoughtful with my words as I’ve aged. I still say a lot of truth that others don’t always want to hear. Speaking our truth is like removing a filter of niceness. You are thinking nice is good, right? Nice is different from authentic. Nice indicates I care more about your feelings than my own. You can be kind and genuine, but you don’t always have to be nice. Here are some ideas for removing your filters: 

You are gorgeous in every day and every way. We feel pressured to always be “on” to the rest of the world. I believe in “look good, feel good”, but there are days I love going “au naturelle”. If you like how you feel, if you don’t feel like putting makeup on, or getting dressed up, then don’t. The point being, feel confident in yourself no matter what. Care not what others think.If it bothers you, say so. By holding in our feelings we build resentment towards others as well as ourselves. It will fester and stew until a small annoyance ends up a full blown meltdown. Now that’s not to say it’s ok to go around and tell everyone off. You can express yourself in a calm, kind way. If others are not receptive, that is a projection of them and not you. In the end, you will feel better for declaring your inner truth about how you feel.It’s always been this way- Just because there are patterns of behavior that have been in a cycle for years, doesn’t mean they need to continue. That saying, “how’s that working for you” comes to mind here. Here’s an example: I have a friend who has a sister (we’ll call her Julie), and the consensus is that Julie is “crazy”. Let me expand. Julie is very dramatic, self absorbed, tells a lot of untruths, and loves to be in everyone’s business. It has gone on for years in this family. She has fought with every member in the family and involves herself in situations outside of her life. The family just says, “that’s just Julie” and allows the behavior to continue. Now, they cannot change her behavior but they can choose not to engage with her or confront her behavior when it’s out line. If you have friends or family members that are difficult or intimidating, you do have a choice how you react to them. If it doesn’t feel good to be around them, you can distance yourself. You can love them from afar.

Copyright © 2018 Maureen Scanlon. All rights reserved.

The post No Regerts– Not a Typo! appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

4 Ways to Enjoy a Stress-Free Holiday Season

As we head into the busy, crazy, and stressful holiday season. I thought I would share 4 crucial ways to be stress free!

1. Make a List

I suggest this for everyday life, but it is especially important around the holidays. We have so many things on our plate and so many expectations from family that it can be overwhelming!

Make a list of the following: 1. Gifts to buy 2. Events 3. Food and baking 4. Write down at least one FUN thing you will do. Example: Zoolights, Light viewing, See a Christmas Musical. Stick to your list and don’t add anything that will add more stress and anxiety.

2. Don’t “Guilt” Buy

I know we have a lot of friends, acquaintances, and family but we don’t have to buy for everyone! A Christmas card or a token of appreciation is fine. If you get a gift from someone that you didn’t purchase anything for, it’s ok. Simply Thank the person and don’t “feel” bad. If they weren’t on your radar, they probably aren’t a part of your inner circle. I buy for those in my life that have made an impact. It’s a way of saying, “I thought of you because you contributed greatly to my happiness.. Sorry Mr Mailman, you don’t make the cut.

3. Value Your Time and Speak Your Truth

I was recently in my nail salon and started talking (ok coaching) to an older lady next to me. We were discussing holidays and what we would be doing. She voiced that she wanted a quiet home holiday with her husband, but her son would “expect” her to go to his house. They live close by and she sees her son and grandchildren often.

I suggested telling him that she preferred to stay home and that she will gladly join him at Christmas. She stated, “Oh, he’ll be upset”. I asked her if it was what she really wanted and she said well, no. It’s perfectly ok to speak your truth and state what it is you want. By feeling guilty, we put others’ feelings ahead of our own, and that leads to resentment. State it with love, kindness, and compassion and watch how people will surprise you!

4. Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!

I can’t say this enough! Think back to your childhood and past Holidays… what do you remember? Chances are, you remember the time spent with those you love. THAT is the key to finding the most peace and happiness. It’s not the gifts, how many events you can fit in a month’s time, or how much food you consume. When you need a moment to really relax, take it! Go to lunch with an old friend, do a fun craft, or just sit back and listen to some music… you need to stay grounded in joy!

I hope everyone has a wonderful (and relaxing) Holiday Season! I’m grateful for each and every one of you!

Love and Blessings,

Maureen

The post 4 Ways to Enjoy a Stress-Free Holiday Season appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

How to Fend Off Negative Vibrations

“Misery Loves Company.” We’ve all heard that saying right? Let’s break that down to our own life experiences. I know if I ask anyone reading this if they know of someone who is negative, every single person will say yes. Have you ever noticed that when things are going rough in your life, they are all ears and almost enjoy hearing it? That is the miserable commiserating with other miserables.

Sadhguru, A Mystic says, “Joyful people think life is short, miserable people think it is long.”

I have recently been studying and soaking in truths about the law of attraction by Abraham Hicks.

What really struck me is the teaching that if I talk about other people’s suffering and conflicts, I am actually
bringing more of it to them! How awful that made me feel!

In listening to someone’s misfortune and/or repeating it, I have sent out an additional energy vibration to the universe to bring more! Even though we think we are being kind and caring by being a sounding board, we are not. UNLESS, we are bringing solutions, and positivity to help someone change that thinking…

“Stinkin’ thinkin’ ” I call it.

When coaching my clients, I am careful to listen but not add to the negative vibration they are sending as I don’t want an increase of that energy to bring more of the same.

Going forward, be sure to focus on YOUR thoughts and actions and desires. This is the only way to really get the things your true self is wanting. Don’t focus on the negative aspects of your life as everything coming TO you is coming FROM you.

I’ve been doing a morning meditation that sets my mind in a positive mode for the day. I don’t get up thinking about all of the work and problems, I focus on the gratitude I have for another day and for the opportunities I have been shown. End the day with a meditation of receiving. Ask that you will receive all of the desires of your heart and mind that are in alignment with your higher source.

You can do this! You are enough!

The post How to Fend Off Negative Vibrations appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

How to be Compassionate AND Self-Loving at the Same Time

I’m not going to be a Debbie Downer and talk about how self centered, self absorbed, and selfish the world is today… notice everything in that last sentence started with “self”? What I want to bring to your attention is that we, in our busy lives and society, are lacking the ability to look outside of ourselves. I’m an advocate for self love, self care, and self awareness…those are the positive aspects of “self.”

My daughter, Jordan, and I were talking one day about personality traits we have. She is very social and extroverted but she told me on the other side, she is also introverted. She says she must “prepare” for the social outing and then she can be “on.”  We talked about how when we get our eyelashes done, she will sleep through it, and I talk the whole time. I explained that she is missing out on learning and experiencing by not talking. Now there’s nothing wrong with her preference, except after our talk, she had a conversation the next visit and really enjoyed it!

She tells me I can’t go anywhere without having people share their experiences and connecting with me…what a great compliment! I have a type A personality and I LOVE hearing people’s stories. I have learned so much through just starting a conversation with strangers and we always have such an amazing time on our mother/daughter trips because of this need I have to talk to everyone. The biggest take away I want you to have from this is to remember we are all intertwined and the old adage “everyone crosses your path for a reason” is very true. We are meant to connect, interact, help, love, and listen to each other.

You don’t know what you’re missing because you don’t KNOW what you’re missing!

Here are some things I challenge each of you to do this week:

When you are busy this week, running errands- Look around you. When you’re pumping gas, grocery shopping, eating a restaurant, look at the people and think about their story. What could their lives be like? Is there someone who is angry? Sad? Can you open a door for them? Give them a compliment or just say Hi, Have a great day!  You’d be surprised how much a small gesture can change someone’s day.
Look at your family, coworkers, and friends and say, “How is everything? Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”  Acknowledging another person’s existence and experience lets them know someone cares and is interested. The suicide rate has increased dramatically in the last 10 yrs…  I believe it’s because those who took their lives didn’t think anyone cared or had no one to listen and share their sadness and struggle with.

Pay attention to your surroundings- I mean REALLY pay attention. I have a new thing that I do… during the day, when I’m stressed or feel overwhelmed, I go sit or lie in my grass in the yard. Don’t laugh! It’s so relaxing and makes me remember how small my problems are. I listen to the birds, feel the wind, see the clouds and just breathe. It’s just a small thing that helps me regroup.  Go to a park after work to decompress, take your dog to a dog park, take a walk around your neighborhood… anything that gives you a few moments of peace and tranquility.

Enjoy the journey and share in others’ journey.

Love and blessings,
Maureen

The post How to be Compassionate AND Self-Loving at the Same Time appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.

3 Everyday Stressors and How to Deal With Them

Every day we are presented with stressful situations. From family matters, work, school, finances, relationships, and friendships, the list is endless of “what” and “who” stress us out, right? Here are a few tips on how to deal with everyday moments that may bring us negativity and overwhelming feelings:
Energy Suckers
Everyone probably knows at least one of these. That coworker that tells you everything that’s wrong in their life, their health issues, and gossips about others endlessly. Or the family member that is the “victim” of their circumstances, and can never “get a break.”

I have a mantra I say about this in my life: “My monkey, NOT my circus.” In other words, you can love your family member, friend, or coworker, but you DO NOT need to engage in their negativity or problems. You may be empathetic or feel guilty, but you will bring yourself so much peace by not engaging. You can listen, be supportive and say “that must be difficult, I’m sure you’re going to turn it around, etc.” And remember, If someone is gossiping TO you, they are gossiping ABOUT you as well…
Financial Hardship
We’ve all been there… you’re running late for work, get in the car, turn the key, and….. nothing… Ugh, dead battery? Starter?  Or suddenly the washing machine sounds like a rocket taking off to the moon… and payday is 13 days away!
These are the moments we really need to check our patience and endurance. I always say “this too shall pass” whenever a
so-called catastrophe happens. It just makes me put it in perspective.

Make a list of your options:


Can I charge it?


Can I borrow it?


Have I saved any money?


Can I make payments?


Can it wait til payday?


Giving ourselves options actually has a calming effect. You’ve got this, no matter how dire it seems.
My Boss is…
Since the majority of us have not been lucky enough to win the lottery, we are working for a living, day in and day out.
We spend the majority of our day with the same people, doing the same thing, and it can take a toll. If you have a manager or leader who is – ahem, not-so-great – this can add to your stress. Here’s how to reduce stress in the workplace:


Be Grateful. Yes, be glad you are at work and not in the unemployment line. Be grateful you have the blessing of a paycheck and an opportunity to feed your family, have a home, food, and finances for the necessities and wants in your life.

Don’t take anything personal. If you have coworkers or a boss that is negative, condescending, or never provides validation, it’s ok.
Stay peaceful. Remember that you don’t know what anyone is experiencing in their lives, sometimes they are just projecting their own unhappiness, insecurities, or stresses. Kill them with kindness and stay in your bubble of peace.
Do your best, speak your truth, and admit when you’ve made an error. Believe it or not, this is so freeing when it comes to relieving stress. If you are able to let out the things that are bothering you, they won’t build up, cause medical problems, and manifest resentments. I am blessed to have a career and now a Life Coaching business that allow me to work from home in the company of my pets (they really don’t care about stress and I learn a lot from them and their contagious positive attitude each day).

We all have the opportunity EVERYDAY to CHOOSE happiness and peace versus negativity and stress. You do not have control over other people or circumstances, but you have control over YOU

Where is “The One?”

I’m sure you know someone who is single that says, “All the good ones are taken” or “I’m waiting for ‘the one’ to find me.” Most of my friends are single; men and women, young and not-so-young. Here’s how to take control of your love life and effortlessly find “the one.”

The Law of Attraction (or “The Secret”) works in an amazing way. In order to manifest or draw in that which we desire, we must speak in a way that brings it. When you speak or think of things you are wanting in your life, the Universe or Higher Power doesn’t designate “don’t or do.”

When I was in a difficult marriage, an unhealthy relationship, or even dating when I, myself, was single, I would say “I don’t want him to do the things he does, or I don’t want this relationship to continue like this, or I don’t want to meet a narcissist.” What I was doing was sending an energy into the universe that translated as “I want…” So I continued to get what I was sending out- Where attention goes, energy flows… I was sending a message and it was the wrong one. This is actually Step 2, but I needed you to hear this first. Now the biggie…

Step 1: Before you can even begin to manifest the Law of Attraction, you must understand that the Law of Attraction is a MIRROR of you. You must heal the things in you that are unfinished, painful, angry, and empty. This is SO important. If you do not completely love and accept yourself, how will anyone else? Many people are searching for their “other half…” No, No, No, No… Why would you want half a person/mate? Why would you want to be an incomplete companion to someone?

As I went from marriage to long term relationships, I realized I had never had time to fully get to know ME or love ME. I spent 2 years alone and found myself by learning boundaries, and doing things that I enjoyed. It truly helped me love myself and learn to like my own company– finally I was alone but not lonely. And then…. my future husband found me.

Coincidence? I think not. Now that’s not to say you will be fully ready all at one.  My now husband and I dated for 4 months and I still had growing to do and broke it off for another 6 months. In that time, we both needed additional healing to fully appreciate and love one another. After that, we reunited and we were our best selves and ready for a very healthy marriage. We communicate well, we willingly share responsibilities, we respect and speak to one another with kindness, and we have an emotional and spiritual bond.

The beauty of this discovery is that it can happen at any time.  In your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and even your 80’s.  Don’t be so quick to find “the one”, until you have self reflected, spent time completely alone, and embraced and continue to love who you are. Then your true match or mirror will be impossible to miss… no searching needed!

Love and Blessings,
Maureen

The post Where is “The One?” appeared first on Maureen Scanlon.