Wilson Belshaw's Blog, page 3
September 28, 2020
Rumblo Radgins
Names: Rumblo Radgins
Species: Halfling
Age: 58
Job: Book keeper / anti-health and safety crusader / heart attack waiting to happen
Appears In: Game of Plagues

Rumblo numbers among the legions of well-to-do Pundlians who find themselves CONSTANTLY VERY ANNOYED ABOUT THINGS! His top five annoyances include:

Creation Notes
Rumblo appears very briefly in Game of Plagues and basically exists to highlight the ridiculousness of 'anti-health and safety' creeps. I didn't set out to rip off the Daily Male character from Viz, although I realised I was doing pretty quickly! So let's call it an homage, I suppose? I would have made more of an effort, but the character wasn't in the book long enough to give him any unique traits beyond:

Seeing the above image, I'm now realising this might be were I got "GAH!" from - the catchphrase of Mucal Slycep from The Quest Factor series. At least I'm ripping off more than just the Discworld books, I guess?
Anecdotally, I used to work in a newsagent, and by and large the Daily Mail readers were considerably less obnoxious than the Guardian ones. I don't know if that would pan out over a larger sample. On top of that, I imagine the worst offenders got their paper delivered - if only because paperboys remind them of when all kids had jobs - AS THEY BLOODY WELL SHOULD DO THE LAZY, JAM-FACED GUTTERSNIPES!
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CharactersGame of Plagues
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Ayesha Bashir
Name: Ayesha Bashir
Species: Human
Age: 25
Job: Gig economy peon/ amateur stylist / low-paid cog in the majhine
Appears In: Game of Plagues

Ayesha Bashir numbers among the legions of toxically employed people in modern Tumultia. In recent times, people have decided that having 'ample employment' is better than 'good employment' (or even 'bearable employment'). Specifically the people who operate these 'innovative' new businesses have decided this - their main 'innovations' being the abolition of things like workplace rights, job stability, and fair pay.
Employers Ayesha has worked for include:
When not running herself ragged, Ayesha likes watching makeup tutorials on her magick mirror. As someone who avoids contact with others, her striking looks largely go unseen by others - something she's fine with. Beyond that she has a relationship with birds that you'd describe as a well-earned loathing rather than a phobia.

Creation Notes
I assumed Ayesha and her cousin would be side-characters when I started writing them - I basically just needed someone to highlight what life was like for low-paid workers. It ended up being a better idea to make her story the main through-line, as the risk with political satires is making it seem like politics is something that happens in a hermetically sealed bubble.
It isn't, though. The ugly decisions politicians make lead to ugly experiences for the people they preside over.
The sort of jobs Ayesha does are akin to the ones I spent over a decade working - jobs like cleaning, bar and food service, and sandwich artistry. It was grim when I had to do it, and I imagine it's notably grimmer now there's all the gig-economy stuff :-s.
Saying that, though, I did have a cleaning job where they accidentally paid me £35 an hour. The job involved driving around cleaning the front of housing group properties in Longsight. They worked out how long this would take in Autumn - i.e. when everything took five times as long because of the fallen leaves. For the other 11 months I got everything done in the first hour then spent the remaining four at home laughing and eating sandwiches.

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CharactersGame of Plagues
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Spyballs
In the modern era you'll find spyballs EVERYWHERE. By using these floating faer a person can record pictures of their surroundings and channel them to the intermesh. They can also take pictures of themselves - something they don't need telling if the surplus of selfies is anything to go by.

When people first began employing these faer, each one was a giant sphere the size of an elephant that required several people to wrangle. Over time, the faer got smaller and less expensive to employ, and most citizens now own their own (if not several).
It's not just people employing these floating see-spheres, either. Governments and private businesses like having a good, old snoop at what's going on, so many public places have several swimming around. As a result of there being so many, crowded metropolises have a constant, wet, slipping noise in the background - the sound of spyballs blinking en masse.

Types of Spyball
Several varieties of spyball exist - all of which do different things. Those of note include:
Cat Eyes
These allow those recording to deploy the cattiest of night vision. They also get used for security purposes as some 90% of burglaries occur at night (this number is reversed for owl-nappings, as it's easier to catch them while they're asleep).
Classic Peepers
The most popular spyballs. Great for capturing images that look like what you expect things to look like.
Demon Spheres
You need a special license to operate these. Primarily they exist to detect the presence of infernal entities, although they can also be used to freak out household pets.
Fish Eyes
Give everything they see a spherised look. Primarily used by teenage pictographers and people who dabble with extreme sports.
Goat Eyes
Allow you to see the world as a goat does - a sight which has led to more than one nervous breakdown.
Some other types include:

Creation Notes
Spyballs pop up in all of the Tumultiverse books I've written so far (they quite literally 'pop' in a couple of them). Obviously they exist as a parallel with cameras - those things which became so ubiquitous that you forget they're even there. Do you know how many cameras are watching you right now?
I do.
Ha - I'm only joking. Unless of course you're the actor Mads Mikkelsen, in which case it's 14 (9 of which I can guarantee you'll never find, Mads).

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Faer
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September 27, 2020
Bullgriffs

Other than the harrowing gases, bullgriffs make great pets if you have the space for them. The dogs can fly, which would be fine if they limited themselves to only doing so when they had space to take off. Alas, they seem to lack such awareness, and will spread their wings regardless of surroundings - trashing rooms and smashing heirlooms.
Their proclivity for taking flight whenever they feel like it can cause problems outdoors, too. More than one owner has had their pet on a lead only for the pooch to take off. Thanks to their powerful wings and chunky necks, a bullgriff can fly with its owner hanging below. This predictably proves terrifying for anyone if happens to.
On the plus side, you can justify not cleaning up when your dog craps from 100ft high and you're dangling from its lead and crying.

Bullgriff Facts
Owing to their flatulent nature, a group of bullgriffs are collectively known as a 'stench'.On the land bullgriffs go: "WOOF!" In the air they do their best impression of an eagle (spoiler warning: it's not a very good impression)The Pundlians have an ancient law that means a person of "lowly earnings" must lay down in a puddle whenever a bullgriff has to cross one. Pundlians have a real thing for forcing the less fortunate to humiliate themselves in the name of vapid symbols of patriotism.

Creation Notes
I don't know if I had a good reason to add these guys - it probably just seemed like it would be funny for Boronymous and his cronies to find themselves subjected to something that wouldn't stop farting. Saying that, I suppose a superficially patriotic stink-machine does work as a symbol for the sort of noxious nationalism I aimed to satirise?
So yeah - let's say I did plan it, I guess.

See Also ChimerasGame of Plagues
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The Drs Downer
Names: Dr Ahgnes-Lihn Downer and Dr Angus Trevor Downer
Species: Human / Buggane
Age: 51 / 53
Job: Sorcologists / husband and wife / reluctant emissaries to the Pundlian government
Appears In: Game of Plagues

Ahgnes and Angus met at Edynbaggle University - something neither of them appreciated at the time. As know-it-all rabble rousers with a lust for life, the pair had the chance of becoming best friends or bitter enemies. This latter option came to pass when the pair launched simultaneous pranks that ended up clashing with one another. The ensuing chaos saw the pair suspended for a week (it also resulted in the accidental summoning of a flock of crocken that remain active in the Edynbaggle sewer system to this day).

After finishing university, the pair went their separate ways. Ahgnes travelled the Tumultiverse working as a sorcologist for the United Realms; Angus got a job ridding the Edynbaggle sewer system of beasties - not least of all the crockens he'd unwittingly unleashed. After a decade of this, his team managed to reduce sewer monsters by some 75%. They stopped there as monster-free sewers have a tendency to attract ninjas.
Fifteen years into their careers, Ahgnes and Angus met at a sorcology convention in the mountain town of Duzulspimk. After angrily circling one another like alley cats, the pair burst out laughing and proceeded to get mortally inebriated. They married twelve months later in the same spot.
Recently, the Downers have worked as sorcologist advisers to the Scotian government. Given the sort of thing they've had to advise on, they've since come to regret it.

Creation Notes
I didn't plan either of these characters in advance - they just showed up in scenes when I needed a sorcologist to vainly speak common sense to power. They both arrived pretty much fully formed, so it ended up being easy to fit them in elsewhere. I also liked the name 'Drs Downer'.
If you wondering why I made them Scotian (the equivalent of 'Scottish'), it's because in real-life the English government's scientists squandered their credibility when they supported the herd immunity strategy (and then pretended not to have done that). Not everything they subsequently did proved terrible, but still, what a mess!
If you're unfamiliar with the 'herd immunity' concept, it involved as many people as possible getting infected - a plan which would likely have:
Yes - so given all that - and the Scottish government's greater proclivity for keeping its citizens safe - it just made sense to have these characters hail from Scotia.
Here's hoping the Scotians get independence from Grand Pundlia in a subsequent book!

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Game of Plagues
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Boronymous Jubbly
Name: Boronymous de Piffle Jubbly
Species: Mugwump
Age: 56
Job: Prime minister / philanderer / living example of everything that's wrong with Pundlian politics
Appears In: Game of Plagues

Boronymous Jubbly belongs to a species of jellyfish people known as 'mugwumps'. Mugwumps lack backbone - something I say quite literally as they have bladders in lieu of spines. Despite this lack of backbone, many mugwumps have excelled in leadership positions. Boronymous, notably, isn't one of them.
As a politician, Boronymous presented himself as a punchline and the media kept telling the joke. This embedded him in the public consciousness - something which aided in his efforts to become the Mayor of Leaden. In that position he instigated a series of mega-blunders, including:

While Boronymous's spell as Mayor certainly raised his profile, it also shone an unflattering light on his competence, work ethic, and brain girth. This resulted in a few years of floundering before he eventually latched on to the campaign to leave the Tumultian Union. While this should have made for a dull question about trade arrangements, the campaign turned it into a full-on culture war. Swine that he is, Boronymous fell on the side that wanted culture stopping at all costs.
You could consider Boronymous as something of an experiment - the result of what happens when you take a half-baked potato, baste it in a marinade of privilege and elitism, and then leave it to cook under the tepid heat of a banal media.

Creation Notes
Obviously, I based this character on the (inexplicably) current prime minister of the UK - Boris Johnson. In a vacuum Johnson is quite a funny character, and he's profited enormously from that view of him. To avoid churning out another 'bumbling-Boris' caricature with little in the way of actual satire, I endeavoured to focus on the cost of having someone like him in power. I also gave the character some markedly nasty edges.
You can't talk about Boris without bringing up the old debate:
"Is Boris actually thick or just pretending?"
While he quite obviously plays the fool, my guess is he's a moderately intelligent man of privilege who just doesn't see the point in thinking things through - largely because he's never experienced any genuine repercussions from the long string of calamities he's inflicted.
If he'd grown up in less fortunate circumstances, I'm sure he'd still have made for a grubby human being - just one who needed to engage his brain a little more often. Probably he'd have started off as a conman who went on to run his own cut-and-shut car garage with a sideline in hoodwinking widows.
The word 'mugwump' comes from Johnson himself - an insult he leveraged against then Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. As no one knows what a 'mugwump' is, this book seemed like a perfect opportunity to answer that question. It also makes sense that Johnson would call it someone else, as 90% of right-wing debate can be boiled down to:
"I know you are, but what am I?"

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CharactersGame of Plagues
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September 26, 2020
Tooth Faerys
In most spheres of existence, 'tooth fairies' are diminutive women who don evening gowns to horde mouth refuse. Although the Tumultiverse version also get their name from their link with teeth, it's more what they can do with their own than what they do to other people's.

Every gnasher in a tooth faery's head can spin around like a drill bit. This makes them great for grinding things up. Even better, the tiny faer can invert their faces, allowing them to act as buzz saws.
You'll find tooth faerys popping up in many areas of society. Trap several of them in a glass box, for example, and you've got yourself a shredder. Keep one in your toolkit and you've got a ready-to-go cutting thing. Perhaps the most disturbing use, however, comes from dentists.
Because that's right.
If you visit a dentist in the Tumultiverse, you may end up with a faery using its spinning teeth to drill your own mouldy molars. On the plus side, however, the laughing gas comes from a creature that looks like a tiny, pink elephant. And honestly - who wouldn't want to get gassed happy by a weird, magickal drug-trunk?
Tooth Faery Facts

Creation Notes
Tooth faerys got a very brief mention in The Quest Factor when I mentioned a shredder and had to work out how one would shred in the Tumultiverse. I think possibly I removed that bit? I don't have the book to hand!
I always liked the design I did for the tooth faerys, anyway, so they've since popped up in Game of Plagues. Probably they'll pop up again. They definitely seem like the sort of things that pop up unexpected.

See Also
FaerGame of PlaguesThe Quest Factor
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Covidgeons
The ZINTER-19 plague primarily affected sentient people, but one exception did exist - namely the humble pigeon. That 'covid' and 'pigeon' could be bludgeoned into the word 'covidgeon' made it easy to scream whenever someone encountered a flock of the plague-ridden sky rats (at least it did for those who saw them first, anyway - the rest got silently dive-bombed to death).

So-called 'covidgeons' had the same insatiable hunger as their larger cohorts. Although they lacked the heft of covid zombies, they could at least fly. This made them simultaneously far less and far more dangerous than the regular scarlet shamblers.
Covidgeons made a particular nuisance of themselves in the plague of 120 AD5 - harassing all the victims that regular zombies couldn't reach. They caused a particular problem for blimps. Although these sky vessels should have been grounded either way, flight became all but impossible when the feathered menaces began gnawing at the balloons.
Out of everyone, the breeders of homing pigeons suffered the most. They literally couldn't get away.
Covidgeon Facts

Creation Notes
So it turns out zombie pigeons are a real thing! Apparently when they get something called 'Newcastle disease' the birds will lose all sense of balance and awareness and fly around in a daze before randomly dropping dead. I had no idea about this until just now.

If you'd like to know more, I can direct you to a story titled:
Moscow investigates 'pigeon apocalypse'
I included covidgeons in the book because I described all the tower blocks as having 'boarded up windows'. After reading this back to myself I thought:
"Wait - why would anybody over the ground floor need to board up their windows to stop zombies getting in?"
The only explanation I could think of was zombie pigeons. This seemed like a fairly silly idea at the time, but I now realise undeath is a natural facet of bird life.
Coo, coo, my friends - coo, coo.

See Also
Game of PlaguesThe Undead
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Covid Zombies
The viral undead come into existence when a lifeform gets infested with the tiny horrors known as malfiends. In the modern age, most of these maladies can be cured with salves, lozenges, and suppositories. Every so often, however, a new infection evolves - one which people have no defence against. The covid zombies are a result of such a sickness.

The name 'covid' stands for 'Completely 'oribble and Very Infectious Disease-Heads'. Unlike regular cases of zombification, the ZINTER-19 plague turns people into living viruses. This sees the head of each victim morphing into something altogether unsettling. Some have likened them to gone-off pumpkins covered in rancid toatstools. Others beheld them and cried simply:
"Oh flepp, run!"
Once a person contracts the plague, they'll find themselves infected for several weeks. Eventually a person naturally overcomes the ailment and reverts back to their mortal form - at least the lucky ones do, anyway. An unfortunate few will find themselves forever trapped in the clutch of undeath. This makes them useless in terms of their ability to contribute towards society (although still less harmful overall than your average politician).

Creation Notes
I don't think I'd planned on giving them virus heads when I started writing the book, but it seemed like the obvious move. Obviously I wanted it to feel like the virus was the threat rather than the victims, so hopefully that translates!
If you've not seen it before, their heads are based on the actual novel coronavirus. Or an artist's interpretation of one? I don't know how they get these pictures, tbh - I assume the viruses don't pose for them.

This was my original design for the covid zombie. I used an image of someone running for the body reference then gave it a big, old virus head. I think the design works because in the early stage of lockdown I felt like this thing was charging at me every time I saw someone else on the street.

In the book the covid zombies have 'crimson red flesh' whereas on the cover the head is closer to the actual virus image with grey-black colouring. This change is largely because it allows me to use the name 'scarlet shamblers'.

S ee Also
Game of PlaguesThe Undead
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Uvoomu (The Devil)
Name: Uvoomu, The Devil
Species: Unofiend
Age: ∞
Job: Overfiend/ outsourcing specialist / mega-bastard
Appears In: Game of Plagues

The hells of the Nezherealm contain more horrors than a Saturday night TV schedule. For the most part, fiends exist as reflexive beasts of wicked indulgence. Some of them possess sentient-like intelligence, though, and with sentient-like intelligence comes the hideousness of hierarchies. Uvoomu - or 'The Devil' - sits atop one of these like a seagull atop a mountain of pigeons.
Many think Uvoomu rose to the rank of overfiend by having the smarts to brand himself 'The Devil'. Others note he worked in partnership with the mega-successful god who calls himself 'Deity'. In the past Deity accepted mana to keep The Devil off people's backs while Uvoomu encouraged agnostics into belief with his legions of horror - a setup you'd now refer to as a 'racket'.
In recent years The Devil has improved the fortunes of the Nezherealm by winning a series of government contracts. It surprises some to learn that Pundlia outsources its disability assessment programme to the forces of darkness. It does not, of course, shock anyone who's made an application.

Uvoomu famously has five sets of eyes. He only opens one at a time - the five including his:
Uvoomu also has two mouths. In days gone by he used one to speak the truth and the other to tell lies. Once people cracked which was which, however, he dropped the gimmick. He now speaks through both with one at a slight delay.

Despite communion with fiends being illegal, entities like Uvoomu crept into public life by making themselves indispensable to the rich and important. The Devil did this by running a series of off-realm banking agencies. By banking with Uvoomu, elites could hide their vast wealth where the taxman couldn't touch it – namely the Nezherealm.
As a result of this setup, Uvoomu didn't just shelter people's money – he also protected their secrets. This put the elites in a bad situation. Because when Uvoomu wants more – and fiẻnds always, always want more – they can hardly say no, can they?
Depraved elites hunger like skeletons at a banquet. It's a greed that The Devil can work with.
Creation Notes
I'm pretty sure the UK benefits system has been run by the literal devil for the past decade, so this isn't even satire, honestly.
Not sure where the 'ten eyes' or 'two mouths' ideas came from. If you can think of something I'm missing, please let me know! It certainly seems like the sort of thing to have popped up in some bit of folklore or other.

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FiendsGame of Plagues
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