Wilson Belshaw's Blog, page 5

Cragpies

These willowy crow-a-likes often get mistaken for trees. Generally this works in the monsters' favour. More than one person has tried to picnic beneath a cragpie only to become lunch themselves.
Cragpie by Zuza Gruzlewska
Up close the differences between a cragpie and an actual tree become apparent. For a start, their leaves feel rough and un-leafy. They also ooze a treacle-like sap that's corrosive and reeks of rotten grass. Beyond these obvious differences, the major clue is that unlike a regular tree a cragpie will just eat you.

Much like crows, cragpies can be found pretty much anywhere. Varying species pop up all over the realms. They've also adapted to live in urban environments, being one of the monster types that are smart enough to limit themselves to eating drunks.

When a cragpie reaches the end of its natural lifespan it will take root and go into permanent hibernation. They'll generally find an awkward resting place to make one last nuisance of themselves. Uprooting one proves difficult, and if you don't get every last bit the remaining tendrils will spread out and befoul your begonias.


You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at Amazon.
  Cragpie Facts


Cragpies go: "CAAAAWTCH!" - a sound somewhere between a screech and a branch bending.The collective noun for cragpies depends on how many you see, ranging from 'copse', to 'thicket', to 'forest'.The 'wood' from these creatures has no use whatsoever. Like all monsters, a fully dead cragpie will begin to corrode after it dies.Cities try to limit the number of cragpies. If you get too many in one place, they spend all hours of the night making loud and ghastly love.

Creation Notes

I came up with the name 'cragpie' years ago when planning out a different series. I still imagined them as large crows when I mentioned them in The Quest Factor, but I didn't come to describe them until I wrote The Fame Eaters . Around about the same time I noticed that a tree in a nearby park looked like a large bird spreading its wings:


You can see my dog in the foreground barking at the tree for reasons best left to himself
As may be obvious, I saw this and thought:


Why not make bird tree?
Not long after I went home and drew this:


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Cevph

These mysterious entities show up in The Fame Eaters, but the question is: what are they? And perhaps even more pressing: why are they?

Given the four tentacles, those who come into contact with the alien horrors refer to them as 'quatropuses'. Others think of them as mutant whoopee cushions or spleens gone wild.


Cevph by Zuza Gruzlewska
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Cryptids

The Tumultiverse is home to all manner of strange creatures - more of the bizarre kind than the regular. Despite this, people still feel a need to invent new ones. Some become infamous, like skunk kong or the incredible croaken. Others become famous, like the legendary Loch Mess hamster. 


The cryptid here is actually a species of shapeshifting creature that (allegedly) pose as small sail boats to lure unsuspecting lake monsters back to their murder grottos
The fact that so many fiẻnds, monsters, and faër exist means most can't keep track of what's real. Still, there are a few cryptids that everyone knows don't exist - generally the ones that get spoken about on conspiracy shows like Secret Lore or Ancient Thingies. 


You can download a free copy of The Quest Factor at Smashwords. You can buy it in paperback at Amazon.
List of Cryptids

It's unclear how many cryptids there are. It's especially difficult to work out because when you discover one they're technically no longer a cryptid. So, thinking about it, it's very clear how many exist. It's zero. And this is the list of them.

The Croaken

Unlike the very real krakens, croakens don't live in the sea. According to rumours, they're giant, tentacled toads that emerge from small ponds and steal anglers' prize catches. More than one fisherman has sworn he caught a record-breaking catfish only for the croaken to appear and steal his glory. 100% of them were lying.

The Loch Mess Hamster

Loch Mess is a lake in the northern nation of Scotia. Despite the name, it's actually an area of natural beauty - the only thing marring it being the weirdoes out hamster-spotting. For years people have reported seeing the beast surfacing in the water. The vast majority of these people were:


Drunk.Lying.Afflicted with a rare medical condition that makes them imagine giant space hamsters.
Montauks

These mysterious beings look like bears with beaks. They've appeared throughout folklore for centuries, and also crop up in The Quest Factor! 

You can read more about montauks here. 

Skunk Kong

Rumours of a giant, stinking ape first began in the United States of Blargh when several rural areas began experiencing a phenomenon known as 'the stench'. It later turned out these rumours came from a company dumping smelly magickal refuse. Unless of course that's what they want you to think, and skunk kong is real.

IT'S NOT PARANOIA IF SKUNK KONG IS OUT TO STINK YOU!

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Animals
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Montauks

Montauks are mysterious creatures - the primary mystery being whether or not they actually exist. The infamous conspiracy monger Giorgio Bouffolos claims they do. All other evidence points to the contrary. Largely because it doesn't exist.


Montauk by Zuza Gruzlewska
According to those who've allegedly seen one, a montauk looks like a hairless bear with a beak. Besides the basics, many legends exist that describe the behaviour of these creatures. Few of these stories line up. Many of them actively conflict.

The Pundlian Legend

According to the Pundlian folklore, a family of three montauks lived in the woods. One day the father, mother, and baby served themselves some porridge then went for a stroll. While the house lay empty, a young woman named Goldifox entered it. Ignoring the porridge, she assessed the property - noting that the family had made several illegal additions. The montauks returned to find a demolition notice on their front door.

If this faëry tale seems somewhat lacking in whimsy, there's a good reason for that. In the Middling Ages, the Duke of Ghastlick invented something called 'planning permission'. He'd noticed the local peasantry improving upon their 'crap huts', and feeling like he should profit from their slightly reduced misery, he invented a new tax.

In order to normalise the idea of planning permission, the duke paid a team of bards to go around modifying existing faëry tales to reference ideas like 'planning permission' and 'zoning permits'. Amazingly, a few of these stories stuck.


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Montauk Facts


As montauks probably don't exist, it's unclear what sort of noise they make. Being a bear with a beak, they'd likely growl, quack, or chirrup.A group of montauks are collectively known as a 'didn't happen'.
Creation Notes

When I was writing The Quest Factor, I needed a creature which people had heard of but wasn't real. As plenty of creatures like this actually exist (by which I mean actually don't exist), I hit the cryptozoology forums. After some perusing I came across the Montauk Monster:


WASTEDThe creature was named for the fact that it washed up near the business district of Montauk, New York. Potentially it had come to conduct some dealings of its own. If so, said business went poorly for it.

According to Wikipedia:

Initial media reports included speculation that the Montauk Monster might have been a turtle without its shell—although turtles' shells are fused with the spine and cannot be removed in this way—a dog, a large rodent, or a science experiment from the nearby government animal testing facility, the Plum Island Animal Disease Center.

The common theory is that it's a water-damaged racoon corpse, but let's not be too quick to dismiss the Plum Island theory. After all, why would you build your testing facility on an island unless you planned on creating some sort of teenage mutant hairy turtle?

So yes - this was what was going through my mind when I came up with the montauk. That and owlbears from Dungeons and Dragons, probably. God damn I love those owlbears.
My original design for the montauk - see more at Instagram. I based this on a picture of a polar bear if I remember right.
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Excellent Barry

The improbable octopus known as 'Excellent Barry' lives on the strange-realm of Mega Barry VII. Its origins are shrouded in chaos, making it difficult to tell if Barry went weird at some point or if it started out strange. Either way - it's an unusual entity in the same way that cheese is a delicious snack.
Excellent Barry by Zuza Gruzlewska

“No eyeballs, eh? WHY DON’T YOU SAY THAT TO MY EYEBALLS!?” - Excellent Barry
Unlike most octopuses, Excellent Barry has a large, sickle-shaped mouth full of sharp teeth. Unlike most anything, it has two similar mouths where its eyes should go. Generally it talks through the largest one. When it does use the others, the voices range from bass to tenor.

Not much is known about Excellent Barry besides the fact it's friends with Smarman the sorcẽrer. How deep this friendship goes remains a mystery. Possibly they play in some sort of inter-dimensional billiards team; potentially they dish about girls/octopuses they like. Probably they just stick to business. Business that leans towards the ghastly.
You can purchase my books on Amazon by clicking here
Excellent Barry Facts


'Excellent Barry' has gone by many names - all of which ended in 'Barry'.Anyone with a cursory knowledge of Tumultian history would recognise what species Excellent Barry belongs to. They'd also wet themselves.No one knows where Excellent Barry got its yellow bow from, although it went on to inspire the cutest octopus brand in the multiverse.
Creation Notes

I had no plan for Excellent Barry before the chapter in which I invented it - it basically just existed to take care of a loose plot end. Despite this, both the octopus and its species ended up becoming integral to the Quest Factor Trilogy. This happens a lot!

When you create a character for one scene you generally end up being more out there than you otherwise would be. These characters often prove the most fun, so you find yourself writing them into the broader narrative.

Generally with a book I have a rough idea of where I'll start; a vague idea of where I'll go, and a loose idea of where I'll end up. I do very little planning beyond that. Rigorous planning is great if you want a straightforward story, but less good if you want to pick up some Excellent Barrys along the way!


My original design for the character: See more on Instagram
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Strange-RealmsThe Fame EatersThe Quest Factor
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Tschagats

The monstrous tschagats live in the frozen foothills of the Yelps Mountains. They belong to a group of beasties known as the 'abominable snowmen'. While less abominable than others, they're still considerably more abhorrent than anything you'd like to meet.
Tschagat by Zuza Gruzlewska
The Yelps cross several countries including Austrovia, Fronz, and Siceesee. Wild monsters underwent eradication in most places on Tumultia; wildernesses like the Yelps prove the exception - mainly because tourists like hunting them. They especially like killing things as slaveringly brutish as tschagats. 

Unlike other species, tschagats often look very different to one another. You'll find some with varyingly placed horns or differently proportioned bodies. They also come in a selection of various colours. This can make it difficult to positively ID a tschagat. Unless you're in the Yelps, obviously, in which case you can tell by the way the beast is a giant biped that's endeavouring to smash your skull open.

Tschagats hunt in packs more often than not, and possess enough intelligence to use 'tactics'. Said tactics seldom pan out. Monsters are typically treacherous, and will often try to use their comrades as shields. When every tschagat in the pack tries this at once, things go quickly awry.  


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Abominable Snow'men'

It's worth noting that while abominable snowmen aren't technically 'men', they're not 'women' either. They belong to a subset of monsters that reproduce by splitting down the middle. Confusion around this led to an unfortunately misguided campaign to label them 'abominable snowpeople'.

Generally, when someone utters the phrase 'political correctness has gone too far' it means they're about to say something awful, stupid, or made up. In this instance, political correctness genuinely did go too far - primarily as the campaigner in question travelled to the Yelps and got mauled to death by tschagats. 

The Bigstrong Scale

The biomancer Moopa Bigstrong took it upon herself to categorise the various species of abominable snowmen by how abominable they are. Bigstrong did this despite her detractors saying things like:

This seems pointless?

And:

This isn't what you proposed when you applied for the grant money. 

After years of meticulous research (and several months of hiding from her debtors), Bigstrong finally finished ranking the snowmen by their abominableness. Going from 'thoroughly abominable' to 'merely appalling', she ranked them as follows:


YetiHugefootTschagatBigfootSasquatchMediumfootBarmanouSmallfootFearliathTeenyfootHibagonNofootChuchunaLeftfoots
Although the Bigstrong Scale remains the most popular method of ranking abominables, it's worth noting that other experts in the field have described her work as:

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

And:

The boneheaded gibberish of a hëx addict. 

Bigstrong herself has never commented on the controversy. She couldn't, as she disappeared. Whether she vanished to hide from her debtors or by the hands of them remains a mystery.


A relatively un-abominable snowman
Tschagat Facts


Tschagats make a laughing sound that sounds like old gears creaking against each other.A group of tschagats are collectively known as a 'clobber'. These monsters smell so bad that if you leave an old coin in one of their lairs the abrasive stench will eventually clean it.
Creation Notes

Tschagats are based on a Swiss festival known as Tschäggättä - a monstrous celebration of unknown origin. During the event, locals dress up as monsters that look something like this:





According to  Swiss Vistas :

Tschäggättä is probably the oddest Swiss carnival that you ever will experience. When night falls, the oversized masked figures rampage through streets in various villages...

They are not organized in groups and appear unexpectedly as they please. The spectacular and frightening masques chase children and spectators alike... tossing soot at unsuspecting victims.

There's no written account of the origins of this unique local custom. The first official mention of the Tschäggättä occurs in a church chronicle dating back to the second half of the 19th century. Apparently, the scary figures wreaked havoc and had grown more violent each year, and so the parish priest of Kippel wanted to see an end to this unchristian behaviour, or else, they would have to pay the exorbitantly high fine of 50 cents.

The masques are handmade of Arvenholz - a local pine-related conifer easy to work with - by local carvers. They then are painted and adorned with all kinds of material that give them an even wilder appearance: large cow teeth and horns, wacky hairdos of long goat hair - the weirder the better. 

My original design was closer to the masked figures from the festival:

Zuza deviated quite a bit from my version, but definitely in a good way! Her design for the tschagat is possibly my favourite of all the creatures she did for The Fame Eaters .

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MonstersThe Fame EatersWild Monsters


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Magimals

Unlike like rocks, donuts, and chimneys, animals can evolve into new and better versions of themselves. Some have evolved to use magïck. Many number among the multiverse's most interesting entities; others among its greatest nuisances - like the 'invisible mongoose' or the 'electric seal'.


Magimals by Zuza Gruzlewska
Unlike sentient magïck-users, magimals have tiny faër living inside them. What this does depends on the magimal. Some - like the lava-dwelling 'fire duck' - have faër known as ifrïts in their veins. Others - like the 'puffer cow' - can inflate to ten times their regular size.

Many magimals are far rarer than their non-magïckal counterparts. In the old days, people believed you could create powerful potiöns with magimals' flesh. Ironically, they probably could have done, but they made dubious erection pills instead.

In the modern age, sorcologists have far more efficient means of summoning faër. That doesn't stop the traditionalists hunting magimals. People still need useless erection medicine after all. 


My books are available at Amazon
List of Magimals

As some magimals can make themselves invisible, it's impossible to say how many exist. Potentially unseen ecosystems exist everywhere. That's why you see biomancers wandering around swinging their arms about - looking for the next invisible rhinoceros or glass giraffe. 

The magimals known to exist include the following. 

Gloverns

These famous natives of Jiohho are a type of dragon - ones that look more like axolotls than reptiles. People know them best for their neon glow. This makes for a beautiful spectacle as they swim lazily through the air eating neönibi flies.



Pharakeets

Some think these elephant-sized parrot-things are magimals because they can fly. Actually, their abilities revolve around detecting rifts in the fabric of realm space. This allows them to migrate between worlds - putting the annual excursion of your average goose to shame. 



Tattlesnusses

These rare mountain snusses can fly, but they can also cast magïck as proficiently as many wizards. They also have something else in common with people - namely their love of a good secret.



You can read more about tattlesnusses here.

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Tattlesnusses

Tattlesnusses are a rare yet iconic creature from the upper Yelps Mountains. Beyond their beauty, people know them for a quirk that makes them addicted to secrets. They pursue this addiction as slavishly as a chocoholic pursue hot cocoa.

Tattlesnuss by Zuza Gruzlewska

These flying snake cats can sometimes be seen flying in the distance, but few get to see them up close. Tattlesnusses only approach those with deep, dark secrets. They'd certainly never harass someone because they did a wee in the swimming pool or secretly found grog a bit gassy.

When not pursuing secrets, tattlesnusses function like any other large cat. Well - they do besides the flying, anyway. If you thought regular cats could be sneaky, that's nothing compared to ones that can divebomb you from hundreds of feet above.

Tattlesnusses have no natural predators but plenty of unnatural ones. The Yelps never eradicated its monsters because they bring in tourists. As much as people enjoy monster hunting, the thrill pales in comparison to capturing an elusive tattlesnuss picture. The only snag is that anyone who gets one inadvertently announces they're hiding a big, juicy secret.


My books are available at Amazon
Tattlesnuss Facts
A pack of tattlesnusses are collectively known as a 'conspiracy'.Tattlesnusses make all manner of cat noises. When anticipating a secret, they'll purr; when receiving one they'll dribble.These creatures are actually part of a much wider family of snake-cats known as 'snusses'. 
Creation Notes
The tattlesnusses have two points of origin. They're largely based on the 'tatzelwurm' - a mythological creature from Europe that combined lizard-like elements with the features of a cat. I came across them while researching monsters from the Alps and Germany for  The Fame Eaters .
"HEY! HEEEEEEY! YOU GOT MY MONEY? YOU GOT MY MONEY!?"
I also checked out Google Image search and saw some more modern interpretations of the beasts. What I drew ended up being a lot closer to these than the bizarre and harrowing depictions from antiquity. I mean - what the hells is this thing supposed to be?


It looks like some sort of wolf-gherkin or rat-eel
This one's a bit more like it.


I've had cats that dribble like this
When I was planning the book, I ended up combining the tatzelwurm with another creature I had called a 'snuss' - a type of hairy snake-cat. Finding 'tatzelsnuss' difficult to pronounce, it became the 'tattlesnuss'. I'm not sure if 'tattle' inspired their love of gossip or if it happened by chance, but the name worked anyway!

The image below is my original design for the tattlesnuss. I traced around one or more lynx pictures for the basics, and then gave it a big, old snake body to finish off.


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AnimalsMagimalsThe Fame Eaters

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The Fame Eaters

You can purchase The Fame Eaters from Amazon by clicking this link.

The Fame Eaters

Things really peak in this second round of The Quest Factor as the competition moves to the Yelps. For unknown reasons, Smarman the Sorcerer has chosen the mountain town of Düzulspimk to host their enduring exploits. Former Chosen One Grenny Gurbit questions this - something Smarman encourages. He likes it when people know he’s keeping secrets.

The continuing competition presents new challenges for our three heroes. The wizard Eeffee discovers that dealing with a bad review is even more challenging than taking out a horde of morbods. Her twin sister Selll learns that fame isn’t all crap, but it can be. Their mentor Grenny struggles to escape the bad advice of the woman who taught her. She distracts herself by feuding with Mucal Slycep – a hateful goblin who’s had a wholly undeserved spot of good luck.


Full The Fame Eaters cover by Zuza Gruzlewska
Düzulspimk throws up intrigue of its own – whether it’s an infestation of undead duck-weasels or a rampant bürgermeister with a lust for lust. Our heroes receive help in their endeavours from an unusually large dwarf and some secret-loving sky cats.

Will this help be enough to uncover the mystery of the infamous Fame Eaters? Almost certainly. That’s kind of how stories work. It would be weird if things didn’t come together, honestly.





'The Fame Eaters' is a satirical fantasy in the style of writers like Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman, and Robert Rankin. You can find it on Amazon here.




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Wild Monsters

Despite some common misconceptions, wild monsters are actually:


Monsters that live in the wild.Monsters.
It's somewhat unclear why these common misconception occurr, as the name seems fairly explanatory. I can't imagine that my monstrology students are messing with me, but... hmm...

Gods damnit they're messing with me, aren't they.
Wild monsters by Zuza Gruzlewska

The plentiful supply of basic monsters is what makes questing the most popular pastime in the Tumultiverse. If you pick any wild-realm at random, you'll likely find it overflowing with such beasties. On the more popular wild-realms, you'll find an almost equal number of people looking to slay them.

'Wild-monsters' are the ones you'll find most in public dungeons, as 'magick-monsters' are too complicated to be generated by monster spawners. Spawners allow dungeon owners to generate as many monsters as they like - something which works out great right up until a dungeon closes down for the evening and forgets to turn them off.


Buy The Quest Factor here

List of Wild Monsters

The total list of wild monsters would be too long to list here. Even if it wasn't, you wouldn't be able to read it all - you wouldn't even be able to scroll down to the end. The Physical Plane has an infinite number of realms, and most contain monsters. On top of all that, the vast majority remain unknown (and even if they'd discovered 0.00000001%, that would still add up to infinity).

Leaving all that nonsense aside, here are some of the most famous ones.

Bahkauv

These monsters combine the basic appearence of a cow with the unstoppable hostility of a nightmare. They're commonly found in mountainous regions. More often than not they'll find you.



You can read more about bahkauv here.

Jibberwoks

Jibberwoks belong to a family of ape-like monsters known as 'apeoloids'. They're one of the most common enemies in public dungeons. Something about them is just very murderable. 



You can read more about jibberwoks here.

Sqooper

These semi-aquatic squid beasts put the 'not very wild' in 'wild monsters'. They will still eat you given half a chance, though. Any adventurer who falls prey to one will lose a lot of credibility/skin.




Tschagats

Tschagats number among the multiverse's manifold species of abominable snowmen. In terms of scale they're slightly less abhorrent than a yeti but considerably more atrocious than a sasquatch.




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