Kyle A. Massa's Blog

A Random and Roundabout Story Concluding With an Important and Groundbreaking Theory

So I was listening to this podcast when something profound occurred to me. It was a fantasy football podcast and, for the record, I loathe fantasy football. You might as well flip a quarter and try calling it, only quarter-flipping is more fun than praying your first-round pick doesn’t get horribly injured. I don’t listen […]

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You Can’t Go Lower Than Rock Bottom (Or Can You?): A Preview of the 2025 New York Giants Season

Hello. This is Kyle. I’m writing you from a time long past: January 5, 2025, to be exact. The New York Giants are playing the Philadelphia Eagles, but I’m not watching them. I can’t—spiritually and literally. Unlike most other Giants games, this isn’t being broadcast to the Albany area. I have to assume this isn’t […]

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A Requiem for Tommy D.

When Shakespeare wrote, “It is a tale told by an idiot…signifying nothing,” he was actually writing about the New York Giants. The ’08 and ’12 Super Bowl runs of my youth are a fading memory. Since then, it’s been misery, frustration, and a whole lot of unintentional comedy. Speaking of which, enter Tommy DeVito. Not […]

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Flipping Pens

The pen is mightier than the sword. Especially when you incessantly flip it around in your hand. That’s what I do with my pens, even when I’m not writing with them. In fact, I’m doing it right now. I twirl them between my fingers, pointer to middle, middle to ring, ring to pinky, and back, […]

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Annual Jugs

As we walked into work one morning, my wife remarked, “I always have to wait for you and your jugs!” No, I do not have breasts. The jugs Sara referred to were my two reusable drinking cups, each of which is roughly the size of an extra large McDonald’s soda. They’re both too bulky to […]

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The Hyperescalating Terror of Being Trapped Inside a Public Restroom

Lorraine inspects her reflection. One mirror, one stall, one sink, two doors. The savor of sauce still lingers on her tongue. Cabernet illuminates her cheeks with a rosy glow. Hands now washed, she dries them, turns, humming all the while, and twists the silver handle. Locked. Lorraine frowns, twists again, wonders if she’s mistaken. The […]

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I’m Officially Becoming a Philadelphia Eagles Fan

Remember when Anakin turned his back on the Jedi and joined the Sith? Or when Benedict Arnold betrayed America? Or when Judas snitched on Jesus? I’m about to do something similar, albeit with less historical significance. (I mean, maybe. We’ll have to see.) Because, since the mid-to-late aughts, I’ve been a fan of the New […]

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First Pitch

In honor of yesterday’s sort-of baseball Opening Day, here’s a 100-word story about a first pitch gone wrong. Enjoy! Arlen Payne was perspiring. He heard jeers amid the cheers, felt the fans’ unspoken desire for his embarrassment. They wanted him to fail. Arlen Payne wouldn’t comply. He was Arlen Payne. He had a reputation to […]

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The World Without Childhood

Kids, take it from the wise old man who wrote this article: You don’t know how good you have it. In a world without childhood… —But First, Some Ground Rules If there’s no childhood, I’m assuming everybody emerges as a fully formed adult, complete with pubic hair and a credit score. And if we assume […]

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Go Birds

I’ve been having a hard time getting over the Philadelphia Eagles winning this year’s Super Bowl. Here’s a 100-word story that describes my feelings. “I don’t see the problem,” said the DMV employee. “See, ‘PHI’ stands for Philadelphia,” I explained, pointing at my new license plate. “And 2017 was the last year they won a […]

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