Cara Gilger's Blog

Certificate in Spiritual Direction

Earlier this month I completed a certificate in spiritual direction from Southern Methodist University. On a quiet and cool Saturday afternoon, I gathered with my classmates, instructors and mentors along with my family to complete a three (plus) year process. I began the program in April 2020 with the vision of using the skills and practices from spiritual direction to deepen my work as a congregational consultant. My philosophy when I work with any individual or organization is that what we need is already here–we just need to practice deep listening in order to draw out the resources that exist and create a thoughtful strategy. When I work with non-profits we practice deep institutional listening to develop outcomes that come from within the organization and occasionally with the assistance of valued ministry partners. Spiritual direction is the practice of deep listening so that one might explore the freedom they have in God.

Over the past three years, the process would be a continual practice of surprises and pivots. I had no idea when I applied for the program in the fall of 2019 that two thirds of the journey would be held online. My cohort, a group of peers with a wide range of professional experience and spiritual backgrounds, would gather online for course weekends and once a month to connect, pray and discuss assignments. We were overjoyed when we could at last meet in person on campus. I was surprised yet again, when days from graduation weekend my oldest child was scheduled for an unplanned heart surgery, delaying graduation . Completing this part of the journey as a spiritual director feels momentous not just as part of my personal and professional development but as a marker in time.

What I discovered along the way is that I actually love sitting with directees for spiritual direction and integrating the practices and tools I am developing as a spiritual director into a variety of retreat settings. I enjoy the process of carving out space to sit in the presence of the Spirit with an individual and wonder at what God might be breathing into their lives. I am looking forward to how spiritual direction will impact my ministry in unexpected and beautiful ways.

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This is Not God’s Dream for Us

In spiritual direction we say that what is beyond words is holy–silence, stillness, tears, laughter. It in the space beyond words where we encounter that which cannot be named. The mass shooting that took place in Allen, Texas on Saturday happened at the mall where I take my girls to buy their back to school tennis shoes each August. In the days since, I am slowly lost my words and in their place a howling grief beyond words has taken their place.

My children stayed home from school on Monday. Inspired by the shooting in Allen, a student made a threat on four of our school district’s campuses. Our superintendent allowed parents to keep their students home and the absence would be excused. We now have excused absences for all categories of student wellness–for illness, doctors appointments and avoiding mass shootings. Our kids have done shooter drills their entire public school careers, but this specific threat rattled them. My youngest who until this year had been told by her teachers that active shooter drills “were in case a wild animal got in the building” understood this time we were talking about something entirely different and wild in our community. My oldest, who has faced her mortality time and time again with each passing heart surgery didn’t want to return to school. The barrier between “that’s something that happens out there” and “that’s something that could happen to me” broken. The hypothetical is less so.

As the details unfolded about the shooter’s white-supremacy, we were sickened but not surprised. Gun culture has always been a beloved feature of white-supremacy. And we were wrecked when the victims were released–photos of families and young adults that look like our neighbors, our classmates, our friends, our beloved community. All I could think about is how so many of our Asian neighbors and friends already don’t feel safe in public and now, they feel less so.

I have spent a fair amount of time in my writing talking about nurturing the faith lives of children and families. It is developmentally inappropriate to ask 5 year old or 8 year olds or even 13 year olds to contemplate their mortality in such a violent way.  It’s a developmentally inappropriate ask to continually ask our kids to carry the day to day responsibility and do the emotional labor around our country’s obsession with guns. It is spiritually irresponsible and unfaithful to ask our children to do this labor on behalf of adults. We cannot talk about teen mental health without talking about the developmentally inappropriate and spiritually harmful work we have asked those teens to do for most of their lives.

I am tired of lament.

I am tired of thoughts and prayers as the only response.

I am tired of the cynicism of disingenuous politicians.

This is not the world God has dreamed for us.

But today I sent my kids to school afraid. With very few words to comfort them in my own parental rage and grief and I wonder if we will have the courage and stamina to turn our holy grief into a better world.

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Favorite Reads of 2022

The past year was a different year for me–I went back to work full time, in house with a ministry partner. My kids are growing older and require different skills from me as a parent. We planted a successful garden this summer. In the midst of our ever-changing days and seasons, I was able to read 74 books in 2022.

As I reflect on my reading habits one feature stands out–unlike any other year, I mood read my way through the entire year. I didn’t really read with intention beyond reading stories that drew me in. I am giving full credit to starting a full-time, in house job this year. The first year in any job is mentally stimulating and emotionally taxing and at the end of the day all I wanted to do is slip into a good story, often as an escape.

That being said, I read several moving and substantive books and some fluffy reads surprised me by being quite serious. Here are the nine books I absolutely loved in 2022.

 

The One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot by Marianne Cronin

A backlist read you can likely find at your local library or used bookshop, The One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margotby Marianne Cronin (Bookshop | Amazon) opens with young Lenni making a visit to the hospital chaplain, “People say when you die, it’s because God is calling you back to him, so I thought I’d get the introduction over and done with ahead of time.” What unfolded was a delightful story about what it means to live and die and build a life. And yes, the hospital chaplain is a central character and yes, his theology is good.

 

Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzales

Following the story of Olga, a wedding planner for the wealthy in Manhattan and her brother Pedro, who represents their gentrifying Latinx part of Brooklyn in congress, Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzales (Bookshop | Amazon) lived up to all the hype. Haunted by a mother that left them to work for liberation for Puerto Rico, Olga and Pedro must wrestle with who they are and who they want to become. I loved this book and recommend it to almost any kind of reader.

 

Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor

I listened to the first chapter and immediately found my husband and said “I think you need to read this…I think it could change our lives.” That is not a promise nor a label I place on a book lightly. Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor (Bookshop | Amazon) has been recommended by all sorts of people, but the person who’s recommendation moved it up my list of books to get to was one of the professors in my Spiritual Directors program who’s a former Jesuit priest and decades long practitioner of Zen meditation. He said “it’s the best modern book I’ve read on breath work.”

 

The Diamond Eye by Kate Quinn

If you enjoy your historical fiction with a healthy dose of badass female protagonist and romance and a secondary plot to say…sharp shooting Nazis through the head, then I highly recommend The Diamond Eye by Kate Quinn (Bookshop | Amazon). Similar in vibes to one of my favorite books of 2019, The Huntress by Kate Quinn (Bookshop | Amazon) the pacing and action on this one kept me turning pages.

 

Horse by Geraldine Brooks

This was far and away my favorite book of 2022. Based on the remarkable true story of the record-breaking thoroughbred Lexington, Horse by Geraldine Brooks (Bookshop | Amazon) is a novel of art and science, love and obsession, and our unfinished reckoning with racism. I haven’t raved nearly enough about this book because months later I still don’t have the words. This was my first book by Brooks but it was so well done, I will be exploring her backlist in 2023.

 

The Curious Heart of Ailsa Rae by Stephanie Butland

I came cautiously to The Curious Heart of Ailsa Rae by Stephanie Butland (Bookshop | Amazon), which follows Ailsa’s attempt to rebuild her life after a heart transplant and the years of fragility and unknown leading up to it. The book was well done, tasteful and well researched and it resonated with so much of our own experience as a family with the external pressure to feel grateful and lucky after experiencing what is traumatic and hard.

 

The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman

Ok so hear me out…its a murder mystery series where the detectives are octogenarians in a nursing home in the UK. Picture your feistiest and most interesting church retirees solving crimes and cleverly fooling mob bosses while also worrying about their joints and their spouses ailing cognitive abilities. Delightful, witty and engaging, I adored The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman (Bookshop | Amazon), read the rest of the available books in the series and hopes there are many more to come.

 

Her Majesty’s Royal Coven by Juno Dawson

I threw this book in my Waterstones cart on a whim when ordering a different book from the UK and holy moly I am so glad I did. The first in a trilogy this witchy book is everything I want in a spooky read–strong feminist vibes, a fast paced plot and a complicated villain. Her Majesty’s Royal Coven by Juno Dawson (Bookshop | Amazon) explores queer themes with some much earnest integrity I seriously cannot rave enough. It’s basically the queer response to JK Rowling’s TERF nonsense for adult Harry Potter fans who still want magic but without supporting a transphobic author.

 

The Backwater Sermons by Jay Humle

I fell into a poetry rut in 2022. I don’t know what happened. I sort of got stuck in the same poets I’ve always loved and then I slowly stopped reading poetry. And then I tracked down this volume. The Backwater Sermons by Jay Hulme (Bookshop | Amazon), most famously known for the poem Jesus at the Gay Bar, reminded me that my spirit needs the way poetry’s sparseness reveals the truth and mystery of being human. And for clergy, Hulme’s introduction and story to how this collection came to be is absolutely  worth the price of admission and more. It left me in tears of awe and so much messy hope for the church and God’s people and what we can do together.

And as always you can find a full list of my favorite fiction, non-fiction, poetry and spiritual books at Bookshop.org, whether you shop there or not.

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Four Things I am Listening to Lately

Lately I have listened to several different but loosely related (in my mind) pieces that are helping me understand the world and hence my ministry a little better. So in the spirit of thinking and learning and growing on the internet, I thought I would share them. 

Surrender by Maggie Rogers 

Rogers’ latest album was developed as she began her Masters in Public Theology at Harvard Divinity School. Inspired by the writing of adrienne marie brown and the mystics its both ethereal and down to earth in its sound. Great for running errands or a long car trip. 

 

Confidence Man by Maggie Haberman

I have read zero books about the 45th president of the United States. However, I was intrigued by an interview I heard with New York Times journalist, Maggie Haberman, about her research and coverage of the former president that recently released as the book Confidence Man (Amazon | Bookshop). Straightforward and built on source material Haberman gave articulation to some of the cultural forces and human impulses that created where we are now in the United States. As someone who thinks often about the work the church needs to do to uproot White Christian Nationalism, I’ll be thinking long and hard about the line about “seeing hate as a social good.” 

 

Reflections from my Summer Sabbatical with Brene Brown on Unlocking Us 

An occasional listener to sociologist and emotional intelligence queen Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, I took notice when she announced she and her entire team were taking a summer sabbatical. Her return episode was as painful as it was helpful as she talked about burnout and social media trauma. 

 

Using and Sharing Power on The Leader’s Journey Podcast 

A fan of the work of Tricia Taylor and Jim Herrington for decades their three part series on power in ministry was equal parts humbling, enlightening and informative. They are always able to balance the theology and practical dynamics of faith based leadership in ways that are digestible and always leave me thinking about how to grow spiritually. 

What are you listening to lately that’s making you think or teaching you something new?

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Four Picture Books for Back to School

It’s the time of year when first day of school photos start to populate my social media feed and at our own house we are checking to see if the tennis shoes still fit and carefully selecting the pre-sharpened pencils from the school supply aisle. Back to school holds so much promise but it can also be a time where our students need a little extra emotional connection to help them navigate the transition of a new school year.

Above all else, make time to talk with the students in your life this time of year. Go on a walk or share a task like baking or crafting where it doesn’t seem high pressure and it allows them space to open up. Books can be a great way to practice curiosity as a parent and have conversation and back to school is no exception. Here are four back to school books I love and recommend.

 

Little Mole Goes to School by Glenyst Nellist

A new book in the Little Mole series, Little Mole Goes to School (Bookshop | Amazon) is a sweet story for children headed to preschool or early elementary. Little Mole is nervous about going to school and begins to compare his gifts and abilities to other students. A sweet book for first time students. Whether it be a preschool or kindergarten aged child Little Mole will offer comfort and a chance to talk about nervous feelings.

 

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig

We introduced The Invisible Boy (Bookshop | Amazon) to our children when they were young and the language and characters in this book gave us a common language to talk about their school experiences. It is a classic in our house and even with older kids we revisit the story, themes and characters when processing friends and classroom dynamics. It’s why it’s on my list of favorite books for emotional intelligence, but back to school is the perfect time to add this to your family library or snag it at your local library.

 

We Don’t Eat Our Classmates by Ryan T Higgins

We Don’t Eat Our Classmates (Bookshop | Amazon) is a fun and silly book to use as an entry point to talk about how we treat others with kindness and respect. Penelope is the only dinosaur in a class full of delicious human friends. She has to work hard to not eat her classmates, so she can make friends. Its a good way to introduce ideas to your preschoolers around not hitting and using kind words and actions to make new friends at a new school.

 

Our Class is a Family by Shannon Olson

Our families are often the spaces where we shape and understand how to treat people beyond our families. Our Class is a Family (Amazon) makes the connection between the communities we are born into and the communities we can build, specifically in school. This is an excellent book to draw parallels between family values and community values.

 

Two Books for Clergy Burnout

When I read fiction I am often searching for stories that articulate the nuances of what it means to live with faith and doubt. Often fiction can reveal with far more clarity than other genres, what it means to wrestle with how we shape a life. A few weeks ago I picked up two small novellas, each less than 200 pages, A Psalm for the Wild Build (Bookshop | Amazon) and A Prayer for the Crown Shy (Bookshop | Amazon) by Beck Chambers.

In these two books Chambers creates a world on a moon in which Sibling Dex, a tea monk, encounters Mosscap, a robot descendant from the robots who departed civilization generations ago to live in the wild, apart from the destruction of humans. When Mosscap wanders out of the wilderness to check in with the human race, he asks a single question: what do humans need? Sibling Dex, having abandoned monastic life in the city for that of a tea monk traveling from rural town to town, struggles to answer that question for himself, let alone for Mosscap. And so the two set off to find the answer amongst the many human settlements Sibling Dex serves tea.

What unfolds is a gentle story about vocation, calling, identity and burnout. There are a lot of think-pieces and books about burnout floating around in the ether. They offer sharp critiques of the crushing nature of late stage capitalism and a wide range of advice that often place the responsibility on, well, the burned out to fix a system made to burn people out. This is not that kind of book, instead set in the lush landscape of Panga, these two books explore questions around what makes a good life and what we need to survive and thrive.

One of the things that I appreciate about this book is the context of sibling Dex being a seasoned monk on his second iteration of his career. I think there’s something unique about asking questions about vocation in the middling part of one’s life. There’s a sense of knowing one’s self and making sense of vocational restlessness that Chambers captures well in her characters.

Book Review: God’s Holy Darkness

“Darkness and blackness and night are too often compared to lightness and whiteness and day and found deficient, but let us name the beauty and goodness and holiness of darkness and blackness and night.” The opening lines of God’s Holy Darkness sets the tone for the highly ambitious children’s book. Authors Sharei Green and Beckah Selnick deftly take to the task using scripture, theology and imagery to capture little reader’s imagination. As my young reader gasped quietly when she read it for the first time, “oh, this is beautiful, mommy. Not just the pictures but the words, the meaning.”

God’s Holy Darkness takes little readers and their adults through the many scriptures that center in God’s goodness revealed in the dark. From the way God drew the world out of darkness as a holy act, to Samuel’s calling in the dark, to the disciples gathering as day turned to night for the holy supper, this book weaves scriptures together to make one big argument–that God does holy, sacred work in the dark, so the dark is holy.

One of the things I love as I work to teach Biblical literacy at home is how scripture is used in God’s Holy Darkness (Bookshop | Amazon). There is a nice balance of popular stories and less common stories to get your little readers curious about the Bible. It also means that as a Christian Educator, this book can be slotted into several different lessons and connect to the scripture passage. I would love to do a multi-week darkness theme in winter and do activities that celebrate darkness like a flashlight scavenger hunt, writing prayers for night time and building kaleidoscopes.

Winter 2022 Reading Recap

As the days get warmer and the evenings longer, its time to reflect on what I read during the winter months. This winter I found myself reading in spurts. Three or four books a week followed by weeks reading nothing at all. One of my very favorite times to read is the week between Christmas and New Years. The world seems to slow down and I always give myself permission to curl up with a book or put together a puzzle while listening to an audiobook. It really sets the tone for the longer, bleaker months of winter that follow. 

 

FictionThe Good Sister by Sally Hepworth 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 8 hours

I read Hepworth’s previous book The Mother in Law and found it thought provoking in the way it captured the nuance of family relationships. The Good Sister follows in that same vein while offering a slightly more twisty plot centered around the narrative of two sisters and the secrets they hold from childhood. 

 

The Christmas Bookshop by Jenny Colgan 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 11 hours

Cute, cozy and thoughtful. The Christmas Bookshop was just what you’d expect from Jenny Colgan and just what I was in the mood for at the time. A failing bookshop hires a young woman whose life is not quiet together. In the process she builds community and as sense of herself.

 

The Judges List by John Grisham

Format: Audiobook; Length: 12 hours

I used to read Grisham voraciously in my early 20’s but haven’t read any of his books in a decade or more. The Judges List was Grisham doing what he had to do but nothing more. I think if you set bar below Street Lawyer or or A Time to Kill you should be ok. 

 

The Last Chance Library by Freya Sampson 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 336 pages

Don’t let this cozy story fool you. Beneath the plot of a rag tag group of library patrons fighting to keep their local library branch open in the face of tax cuts, is a delightful story about community organizing, mutual care and activism. The Last Chance Library delivers warm and fuzzy with a side of retirees staging a sit and teaching younger patrons how to advocate for themselves and for their community. 

 

The Witch Haven by Sasha Peyton Smith 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 14 hours

I started The Witch Haven around Halloween but the library took it back before I was done and I had to sit on a wait list until December. Perhaps that’s the reason this book’s details are hazy. A young woman with sudden magical powers is whisked off to a magical finishing school for girls but all is not as it seems. 

 

Sankofa by Chibundu Onuzo 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 9 hours

One of the highlights of my winter reading, Sankofa follows a middle aged woman who facing divorce goes on a journey of self-discovery as she searches for her absent father. Traveling to Africa, this story is as much about what it means to find a long lost father as it is to be an African living in England.  

 

The Ramblers by Aiden Donnelley Rowley 

Format: Hardcopy; Length: 385 pages

The Ramblers was a subtle story set over the Thanksgiving holiday in New York City, a rotating point of view between three 30-somethings that each find themselves at a point where adulthood has disappointed them and they are left wondering not only what’s next but can they overcome past experiences to build a life they can be content in. I resonated with the themes around who you want to be once you’ve lived enough life to know some paths are not for you. 

 

Set My Heart to Five by Simon Stephenson 

Format: Digital; Length: 448 pages

I have never laughed so hard while reading a book. Set My Heart to Five is a tale about a robot who suddenly develops feelings despite being programed not to have emotion. Although the astute observations and witty reflections on humans and pop culture had me laughing out loud curled up on the couch, the last third of this book struggled to deliver on its potential and the end felt a little flat. 

 

The Awakening by Nora Roberts 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 

I read this on a recommendation that it was “fantasy for people who like one foot in the real world,” which sounded right up my alley. The Awakening is the first book in a trilogy about a woman who discovers her Irish and magical heritage. It was good enough that I read the second book, The Becoming, and will read the third when it releases but it didn’t knock my socks off. Just a good reminder that a middle of the road book that does what it needs to do has value. 

 

Girl One by Sara Flannery Murphy

Format: Harcopy; Length: 368 pages

Excellent read if you are fans of Naomi Alderman’s The Power or The Oracle Year, with its quick pacing and supernatural elements. I read Girl One in about 36 hours because the pacing was well done. The mounting urgency as it builds a story connecting 12 girls with supernatural abilities who were conceived without fathers had me turning pages. 

 

Black Buck by Mateo Askaripour 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 9 hours

A satirical piece of contemporary fiction, Black Buck tells the story of a young black man who gets his chance to work at an ambiguous tech start up. I had a hard time with the description of this as satire because all of the scenarios Askaripour puts his protagonist in are not only believable but common in corporate America. It felt so accurate as a reader you feel indicted with complicitness every time you cringed. 

 

The Personal Librarian by Marie Benedict & Victoria Christopher Murray

Format: Audiobook; Length: 10 hours

I loved this historical fiction book about a white passing African American woman who worked as the acquisitions librarian for the Morgan Library during the 1920’s and 30’s in New York City. Not only did I learn about a historical figure I knew nothing about, it was a moving story about ambition, passing, class, family and building the life you want. Months later and I’m still thinking about The Personal Librarian and its nuanced dynamics. 

 

Crossroads by Johnathan Franzen 

Format: Hardcopy; Length; 580 pages

I owe every book I didn’t read while I slogged through Crossroads, an offensively under-researched book centered around a progressive pastor and his family, an apology. It will be a long time before I can forgive myself for wasting my time with this family drama in which no one transforms or grows and everyone behaves increasingly worse. If you read it, be warned it has tons of #churchtoo triggers. 

 

Arsenic and Adobo by Mia P Manansala 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 9 hours

A delightful culinary cozy mystery that orbits around a family owned restaurant. I loved Arsenic and Adobo for its specificity–the family the book centers around is Philippino American so the story is peppered with culturally specific language and dishes that make the book immersive and delightful. If you loved With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo for its immersive experience with culture and food, this delivers the same feeling but with a mystery and sassy aunties thrown in. 

 

The End of the World Running Club by Adrian J Walker 

Format: Digital Book; Length: 466 pages

A post-apocalyptic story about a lousy husband and dad who gets separated from his family and discovers he can do hard things. If I am totally honest, I read The End of the World Running Club after Crossroads and was probably harder on this book than I should be. It was enjoyable but there is something about it that felt very much like it was written by a man.  

 

Anatomy: A Love Story by Dana Schwartz 

Format: Hardcopy; Length: 338 pages

Anatomy was an absolute delight of a historical fiction book about a young woman who longs to become a surgeon in Edinburgh. Schwartzs manages in less than 350 pages to layer in a mystery, romance and coming of age story tightly. Don’t avoid this book because it’s labeled YA. It reminded me of The Impossible Girl, one of my favorite books from a few years ago. 

 

Non-FictionNo Cure for Being Human: And Other Truths I Need to Hear by Kate Bowler 

Format: Audiobook; Length: 5 hours

I deeply appreciated Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, thus No Cure for Being Human was a book I knew I wanted to spend time with. I listened to it on audiobook and found myself re-reading section not because my attention drifted but because I really wanted to soak up what she was articulating. Some of this book was harder to stomach–Bowler sits from a profound place of privilege having access to trial treatment and occasionally it feels as though she takes for granted this particular location. So I do not recommend this book to anyone for whose grief is tied up in a loved one’s lack of access to advanced medical care. 

 

Rediscovering the Lost Body-Connection within Christian Spirituality by Edwin M McMahon & Peter A Campbell 

Format: Hardcopy; Length: 261 pages 

This book was one I read for my spiritual direction course work and I found the biases and broad generalizations of the authors about Christian spiritual practice and understandings of the body distracting. Despite that hurdle, I was able to glean some gems of wisdom from Rediscovering the Lost Body-Connection within Christian Spirituality to carry into my spiritual direction practice. 

 

Supervision of Spiritual Directors: Engaging in Mystery by Mary Rose Bumpus 

Format: Hardcopy; Length: 199 pages

This manual is so helpful for spiritual directors and it is one I reference off and on as part of my growth and development. Its not really written for non-directors so if you are in the process of becoming a certified spiritual director, I recommend it. Otherwise, its not really for everyone. 

 

Everyday Connections: Reflections and Practices for Year C by Heidi Haverkamp 

Format: Hardcopy/Digital ARC; Length: 568 pages

I am quite biased about this book after interviewing author Heidi Haverkamp and after using it in sermon preparation and as a tool for scriptural reflection for the better part of this year. It incorporates Lectio Divina in a way that feels appropriate for daily use. 

 

Taste: My Life through Food by Stanley Tucci

Format: Audiobook; Length: 8 hours

This book was surprising, in that for a memoir you would have no idea that Tucci was an actor. His acting is not mentioned at all in this journey through Tucci’s life with food. From childhood meals that were robust centers for community life to his travels as an adult, Taste: My Life Through Food is worth a read if you love food, but be warned if you just love Stanley Tucci.

As Featured On: Two On One

I had the delightful opportunity to be a fourth time guest on the pop culture and theology podcast Two On One. Two on One is a weekly streamed talk show and podcast where Two (Revs. Arthur Stewart and Stephanie Kendell) interview One about the pop culture thing of their choosing.

They had me on to discuss my recent re-binge of New Girl and what the community of God looks like for the old millennial generation New Girl seems to capture. We talk about how New Girl’s problematic edges but how it still makes an argument for authentic and accountable community. You can take a listen to the New Girl episode and check out my previous episodes on The Fast and the Furious franchise and The Great British Baking Show: Holiday Edition.

All Our Ikea Friends Are Gone

We moved to the Dallas suburbs a decade ago when the sprawling metroplex boasted a single Ikea. The Swedish-based super retailer known for cheap furniture, white curtain panels and frozen meatballs sat squat and sprawling at the corner of two major toll roads only about ten minutes from our new home. I bought the curtains for our soon to be nursery and gave thanks for their cheap, white picture frames I used to adorn our mostly bare walls in our new little home. Their familiar primary blue and yellow rising alongside the interstate welcomed people from around the city and surrounding areas looking for furniture for dorms, first homes and other affordable needs.

“Maybe we can get together the next time we come out to Ikea.” friends from other parts of the metroplex would say when they heard we moved a mere ten minutes from Ikea. A vague promise of a someday connection.

Sometimes the promise would be more specific. “We really need to get a new TV console, maybe when we come to Ikea we can all grab lunch. We can meet the baby.”

One night after the baby had been put to bed, the dishes done and we had collapsed into bed ourselves, we laid there talking about all the friends we hadn’t seen in the past year. One time family friends living 30 or 45 minutes away. College roommates living in another sprawling suburb in the ever-expanding metroplex. Colleagues turned friends over the years of sharing work and life together. As we lamented the barrenness of community in this city that we had once called home that had yet to feel that way, we took stock of all the friends we’d struggled to reconnect with between new careers and new babies.

We longed for deeper community. Geography was a hinderance, but there was something else at play.

Finally, Tim said “they are Ikea friends.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we are only good enough to make plans with if they also have an errand to run at Ikea. We are not strong enough friends to make plans with if there’s nothing to grab at Ikea.” His tone was one of frustration, but over the next decade we came to use the term “Ikea friends” to classify the kind of friends that we maintained through loose convenience. Ikea friends came to signify that outer orbit of friends we accumulated through kids activities and past affiliations that were more than the ambiguous ties of Facebook friendship but who were attached by loosely tied strings.

For two years our family and countless others spent time in tighter knit circles, carefully selected as part of our “pandemic bubble.” We did outdoor playdates and cookouts, laughing and sometimes crying at what it meant to pandemic parent as our kids gleefully played tag in the warm Texas sun. We compared newest pandemic data and weighted our choices together.

The spot that our Ikea friends once held felt meager and insufficient. What we wanted was people who were willing to go through the fire, or at the very least a global pandemic with us.

Ikea friends might see you if they had a convenient reason. An errand on your side of town or a sport tournament in the next suburb over might be cause for lunch or a quick drink. They wouldn’t visit you in the hospital or be the person you’d call sobbing from your hidden spot in the laundry room at 7pm because the day with two small kids ended in utter ruins.

However, Ikea friends hold value in the ecosystem of community and we are not better for loosing so many in the past few years. They may not be the friends that show up at the hospital but they are the friends that will drop a meal by the house or Venmo you money for takeout. They may only see you when they have a convenient reason, but they make the effort. Not every relationship serves the same purpose and Ikea friends are part of the outer webbing of our community ecosystem that hold it together when things spin out.

The flip side of loosing our outer orbit of friends is that we have stopped being the outer orbit in someone else’s community. We are not better for missing a chance to drop meals by the home of a new mother or slip a card in the mail to the newly widowed church person we barely know.

We need a variety of relationship that make up the full ecosystem of community. Friends that we see weekly and friends that we see annually, friends that hold history and friends who embrace making new memories are all part of how we create care, empathy and healing in the world.