David Andrew Jaffe's Blog, page 10

Unemployment, Rejection, and the Dating Experience

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For seventeen straight years I was employed. Every time a gate closed, another one opened right away. Even rejection would turn around and become a win.

I hopped from school to school seamlessly. Then I switched careers, and got into the tech world. When VinSolutions decided to cancel all the contract employees, I ended up starting my new role before my two-week notice was even up. And getting paid better!

In those seventeen years, there was only one time I wasn’t working, and that was by choice. I wanted to have a small gap between finishing my job and moving back to Israel. I needed the extra time for packing, selling items I couldn’t bring, and properly saying goodbye to my friends and my beloved city.

And even that didn’t work out!

A Brief Unemployment

I was searching day and night for a job in Israel. I wanted to land in the country and instantly be working in my new role. Israel’s hard. Things are quite expensive. My savings would disappear in weeks if didn’t find a job right away. So even though everyone told me it’s impossible to find a job before you’re actually living here, I ignored them and hunted anyway.

And you know what happened? I found one. A pretty decent one as well. But they wanted me to start right away. So next thing I knew, I was training to be a customer support specialist for GoDaddy’s email marketing team while simultaneously packing up my home forever.

So even when I tried specifically to be unemployed, it didn’t work out. I wanted to be unemployed for just over a month, and for a month of that I was employed anyway.

Job Search vs Dating

I don’t know how to not be working. I suck at vacations. On weekdays, I don’t like sleeping in. Even when I don’t love what I’m doing, work keeps me grounded. It keeps me busy. It keeps me on a schedule that helps make my day better all around.

So my current situation is very jarring.

But the worst part is that the process is so very demoralizing.

Dating can be an extremely challenging experience, even for those who are seasoned at it and enjoy it.

Inevitably you will encounter those who, for whatever reason, won’t go out with you in the first place. And you will find those who make it clear during or immediately after the date that things aren’t going to work out. And others, you slog along for a little bit until the final rejection happens.

And each one stings.

Even if you’re not interested!

The Pain of Rejection

This is something I haven’t heard from many other people. And maybe it reflects poorly on my nature… but I felt the tiniest jolt of depression even when dates resulted in mutual lack of interest. Why?? It’s not because of time or money wasted. That never really bothered me.

It’s because I wanted to be wanted. Again, even when I had no interest in further pursuit. I wanted it to be my call, and mine alone. I think my self-esteem needed that boost.

Even under the best of circumstances, rejection hurts.

And now I’m job hunting.

I’m shooting out resume after resume. I know I can handle all of these jobs, probably even excel at most of them. I’ve been working non-stop for the last seventeen years. I know what I’m capable of. But conveying that confidence and competence in a one-page document is super challenging, if not impossible. And at this point, I feel like I’m competing with half the universe.

So what happens? And why is this even worse than dating?

Because it’s non-stop, scattered misery.

Bombardment of Rejection

Yesterday I got around seven rejection emails. They were scattered throughout the day. One’s in the car, one’s at the gym, this one’s at the grocery store, the following one’s on the toilet.

All day long, bombarded by cold, generic emails pretending that I was super close, just not good enough.

And what message does each one send?

You’re no good. You’re not wanted. And you will stay unemployed indefinitely.

And it’s worse than rejection in dating for a handful of reasons.

For one, the rejections can come at any moment of the day. You are inundated with rejection.

Also, in order for the endeavor to be successful, it takes a lot of applications. The more you try and get yourself out there, the more potential you have for a greater number of rejections.

When dating, most people are only seeing one person at a time. Therefore, at most they’ll only be rejected one time in a day, likely only once in a matter of days or weeks.

I suppose if you went to a bar and hit on every one in sight, you can receive multiple rejections in one evening. But most of us wouldn’t do that in the first place. Plus, it’s still at least confined to that section of the evening. And to be honest, good for you. The vast majority of us wouldn’t even have the nerve to try!

There’s Just No Break

But one of the hardest parts of the process is never being able to take a break.

If dating gets hard, you back off for a bit. You throw yourself into your job or your friends or your family or your hobbies. You take a little time off and come back to that world fresh and ready to get back into the fight.

But not with job applications.

There’s no break. Even if you did take a break, that doesn’t mean you won’t be receiving rejection letters while you’re trying to stay away for a bit. But who could afford to take a break anyway!?

If you’re single, yes, by not getting out there, you guarantee continuing being single for as long you maintain your break. But there are advantages to being single. Personal freedom. More time. Save a couple of bucks.

What’s the advantage of being unemployed?

There is none. Life doesn’t give you a breather. Them bills still need to be paid!

And those rejection emails can keep coming even on a day you’ve chosen to not spend looking for a job.

Life doesn't give you a breather. Them bills still need to be paid!
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The End of the Process

I really didn’t want this scenario. I knew my previous job was not my dream role. And that I had more to offer to the world. But who would knowingly sign up for the depressing and demeaning process of job hunting?

I look forward to the process ending, and never doing this again.

Will my next job be my last? It’s possible. Highly unlikely. But regardless, hopefully I’ll figure out a way to bypass this system between then and now. Because this is a lot more than anyone should have to handle.

The post Unemployment, Rejection, and the Dating Experience is featured at Jaffe World.

A Secret Jerusalem Confrontation

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Getting into Facebook arguments is a useless waste of time.

Everyone is 100% sure they are correct, 100% of the time. People rudely hide behind their keyboards. And no one ever feels a shred of remorse for their gross behavior.

Nevertheless, it happened to me again. I was on Secret Jerusalem. And I engaged. I knew I shouldn’t have. And the moment I wrote what I wrote, I knew I had made a mistake. Not that the person didn’t deserve criticism. But that criticism fell on deaf ears, and any intelligent, thoughtful observer would have known that would be the case.

Here’s what happened.

The Magical City of Eilat

Recently I was in Eilat, my first time in that magical little city.

A known fact about Eilat is there is no VAT charges in the city. VAT is a tax unfamiliar to Americans, that can make items in Israel significantly more expensive. But in Eilat there is no VAT, and thus the same item you might buy in Jerusalem costs almost 20% less.

This was all new to me. I was first learning about the city and these laws, and I wanted to understand everything better.

But then I started noticing what appeared to me to be other differences in the city. And I started wondering if it had a different legal status regarding more than just one matter.

For example, I got a fish pedicure when I was down there. (Really weird and fun experience!)

Now, my understanding–correct or not–was these had been banned in Israel. Or perhaps just Jerusalem. But in any case, my curious nature made me want to clarify all these matters. So I asked a question about it in Secret Jerusalem, a Facebook group theoretically dedicated to assisting its members with any and all Jerusalem and Israel-related questions they may have.

My Secret Jerusalem Experience

My question on Secret Jerusalem had two parts: One about Eilat’s legal status and the other about the reasons behind the VAT exemption. And I learned a lot! Some of the laws I thought I understood, it turns out I did not. And now I understand that the VAT exemption is a technique created by the government to encourage tourism to a remote location.

The system worked! I wanted answers, and well-meaning people on Secret Jerusalem provided them. Could I potentially have received my answers through Google? Perhaps. But I wasn’t even fully clear on what I was asking, and thought a personal touch would help clarify things better.

And all was well.

Until it wasn’t.

Some guy decided to provide a stupid joke answer. Now, in general, I am opposed to this. I think it’s only appropriate in select situations, such as when the original poster is a good friend. You already have rapport with one another. Joking around is acceptable and expected. However, joking around with strangers is both weird and usually unwelcome.

Flawed Way to Answer People

I’m a busy person. I ask questions online either because I’m curious about something or because I need help with something. When I get that little notification that says someone has commented on my post, I get excited. My curiosity might be a little closer to being satisfied. Or I might have the answers I’ve been looking for.

But when I get the notification and only to find out someone wrote “Google it” or “Following” or they clearly answered the wrong question or they made judgment calls about me rather than addressing the question… or they just made some dumb joke, it ticks me off. You’ve wasted my precious time. And nothing at all good will come from your silly little response.

No one is forcing you to respond. If you don’t have an actual answer, silence is absolutely golden.

No one is forcing you to respond. If you don't have an actual answer, silence is absolutely golden.
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Trollin’ on Secret Jerusalem

But this situation was worse. I’ve seen this fella before. He lurks around groups like Secret Jerusalem, arrogantly and obnoxiously abusing people with sarcastic comments. For months and months I’ve hated watching him treat other people like crap, and it was only a matter of time before his venom spilled into my lap.

Listen you little troll: You have nothing valuable to offer the community. Under no circumstance is your rude behavior welcome. Go somewhere else and leave everyone alone. We are a community of people trying to figure Israel out. It’s not easy. It’s really not easy. We need all the help we can get. And your poison sets us back. You make it harder to live here. You might think you’re just a funny troll hiding behind your keyboard. But you’re so much more than that. You are taking the homeland of the Jewish people, a place we waited thousands of years to return to, and making it a worse place to live.

You. Not the government. Not the crappy drivers. Not even the violent terrorists. You are helping to make it a place where people might not want to be. This is not at all something you should be proud of.

And I Engaged…

But I did what I should never do. And knew I should never do. I confronted him. I called him out on his crap. And he just doubled down, called me an idiot, and proudly stated that his 46 years in the country gave him some level of privilege to harass others.

Here’s what I have to say:

First of all, the modern world, where everyone is so tough behind a computer screen, saddens me. People behave a certain way because there’s no consequences to their actions. They neither see the hurt they cause others, which may provoke empathy, nor do they fear getting punched in the face, which may provoke fear.

Either would be beneficial in this situation.

I’m not saying that if this person were to be standing before me, I would have tackled him and pummeled him to the ground. I’m saying everyone in the world who is rude to another should have a small amount of fear that this could happen. This is not a bad thing. It keeps us in check. Why should anyone have the right to be awful and nasty to the others? The internet has taken away fear of consequences for awful behavior, and produced worse people because of it.

Time Does Not Equal Privilege

Now, about those 46 years. Big. Friggin’. Deal.

You are not special.

There is an odd tendency for people who’ve moved to Israel to brag about how long they’ve been here. Sorry to say, I am not impressed. Simply being in a place for a long time is meaningless. It proves nothing and grants no privilege.

Think about it. First of all, what message are you conveying. Essentially you’re saying it’s ridiculously challenging here, and the fact that you’ve stuck around means there’s something special about you.

Is there any other case where we would think that’s impressive rather than lunacy?

I’ve been in this awful and damaging relationship for thirty years now? Look at me go! I’ve had this painful growth on my ass for the last decade. I don’t even bother getting it removed. Pain builds character! And on top of that, my basement is filled with water. No worries, it’s been the case for three years. No wet vac for me. Black mold shows the world how impressive I am. I can tough it out!

Time = Responsibility

If it’s super great here, then bragging about time spent here is even sillier. I’ve been living a good, happy life in the lap of luxury for two decades now. Yeah, I don’t even consider moving away from a perfect lifestyle. Impressive!

But even if any of these statements made sense (they don’t), does any of this give you the right to be an asshole to people?

Sorry, but I see it very differently.

We survive here because we pull upon each other’s knowledge and experience. If you have both, the appropriate thing is to share of yourself freely, not alienate others because you know more than they do.

Yes, you are a senior member of the nation. Good for you! Now make this a better place to live for everyone here. Anything less and you’re setting the country backwards. And that’s hardly something you should feel proud of.

The post A Secret Jerusalem Confrontation is featured at Jaffe World.

The Eilat Experience: 4 Things I Learned

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A sad part of my Israel experience is I never really got to be a tourist here. I’ve never visited the country. The first time I tried, I was here for a year, but I behaved very early on like I was in my new hometown, quickly became a citizen, and ultimately the one year became eight.

So there are parts of my Israel journey that are lacking, and it’s very sad for me. Israel is a very challenging place to live in… but it looks like an absolute blast to visit.

The Full-On Tourist Experience

I don’t know how it can happen, but I hope to one day have a full-on Israel tourist experience, and feel that “visiting magic” I’ve just never gotten.

That all being said, I just crossed a big part of the tourist experience off my list. After a total of fourteen years in Israel, I finally made it out to Eilat. And… loved it!

What a gorgeous, exciting, and simultaneously relaxing city!

And trust me, anyone who knows me knows I don’t sugarcoat Israel. If I thought the place was trash, I would say so. In the last several years, I’ve been to places like Holon, the Dead Sea, and Netanya, and I will proudly say they are dull, overrated, and gross, respectively.

But not Eilat! I left wanting more, and a few days later, I miss it.

Thinking of heading out there?

Here are four things I learned from the experience:

1) The Two Eilats

First things first, Eilat has two drastically different prices. It’s very tempting to make a weekend trip out there, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s just as good if not better during the weekdays, so take some time off of work, save yourself a whole lot of money, and go on a Tuesday. You’ll have an almost identical experience, but you won’t feel like you’ll need to sell your car in order to make it happen.

That being said: There is one time that seems to be more exciting than all the others, and that’s Friday night. So, if you’re non-observant, you’re not Jewish, or you really enjoy watching other people have an amazing time without participating yourself, then by all means, spend the cash and enjoy your weekend in Eilat.

We walked through the center of the city and it was super stimulating. Tons of people, shopping, and activities… we were really excited to actually participate the following night. But it was too late. The city is on fire on Friday night… and fast asleep by 9PM on Saturday night.

So based on what you want to get from your Eilat experience, plan accordingly.

We’ll for sure be back at some point… but we’ll happily come mid-week, and use the enormous savings to do some of the massive amounts of fun activities Eilat has to offer.

2) Eilat is Hot… But is it??

So before heading out to Eilat, I basically knew one thing about the place. It’s hot. Real hot. Like, don’t stand in one place too long or you’ll melt into the asphalt hot.

Hence, I left my sweatshirt in the car for Shabbat, thinking I wouldn’t need it at all. And boy was I wrong. We took a nice long walk our first night in town (ya know, to see other people doing all sorts of wild things), and I was really chilly.

It was early February, so I can’t speak about Eilat in the summer, but I can definitely tell you this: Eilat is Paradise by day, but quite different when the sun goes down. Bring a sweater or a jacket or something. You might not need it, but if you do, you’ll be happy you have it.

3) To Drive or to Fly?

Speaking of the car… we drove down to Eilat. It’s quite a journey. Over four hours, much of which is through the attractive yet not exactly enthralling desert. And driving seemed like the obvious choice for us.

Yet, we spoke to a lot of people when there. One pair we met took a bus, and literally every other person we spoke with flew in from Tel Aviv. Which to me seems ludicrous… but everyone else seems to think it’s the way to go.

So if you’re heading out to Eilat, you need to figure out the best choice for you. To be clear: Flying won’t save you time. You’ll still need to get to and from the airport, on both sides. Plus all the classic airport waiting around. And when you arrive, you won’t have an easy way to get around.

Driving might save you a few bucks, but between exorbitant gas prices and the wear and tear on you vehicle, it might not be all that much of a savings.

So really it all boils down to: What do you want more? Avoiding lots of driving or the convenience of doing everything in one mode of transportation and getting around the city with greater ease.

I feel like nine times out of ten I’d choose the latter… but that’s just me.

4) Israel on Vacation

Finally, I learned what Eilat really is: For the most part, it’s a vacation spot for Israelis to escape normal, everyday life.

For sure non-Israelis come to Eilat, but in the three days we were there we heard almost exclusively Hebrew and virtually no English. It was like several thousand Israelis uprooted themselves from the craziness of Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and Haifa and Holon just to get away to the middle of nowhere and take a brake from Israel’s madness.

And it worked!

I have a tough time with the Israeli mentality. It’s an aggressive nation. It puts me on edge.

And yet, things felt different in Eilat. Israel was on vacation. People drove a little better. Smiled a tad bit more. Smoked just a little less.

And it was nice. Real nice.

We’ve been back from our little Paradise, our little break from real life, for a few weeks now, and something happened that rarely happens for me.

I miss it! And I want to go back.

Yeah, I know it’s fake. I know it’s like an exclusive vacation village, and it’s not a lifestyle one could ever really live for a long stretch.

But I want to hold on to that feeling. I want to remember what it was like.

Israel was on vacation from Israel.

And it was glorious.

The post The Eilat Experience: 4 Things I Learned is featured at Jaffe World.

Break through my Fears, and Getting to the Good Life

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I am scared. Terrified, in fact. Riddled with fears.

I’m in a very strange position right now. Trying to figure out what to do with this next stage in my life.

On one hand, I could take the “easy” route. I could job hunt like crazy and just take whatever work is available to me that will most handily pay the bills. There’s nothing wrong with this choice. It’s been the one I’ve been making for most of my adult life. And it’s the choice most people make when they’re looking for employment.

But it’s the safe path. And the path that will likely get you the least amount of joy and fulfillment. The path that will keep you making just enough to survive for as long as possible.

But it’s also the route that better guarantees a steady income, provides various benefits, and helps to slowly build a pension.

What Other Choice Is There?

Why might I choose to build a business instead of just “getting a job”?

There are countless reasons. It could be the secret to a secure and abundant income. It could make waking up every day a thrilling and profound experience, as you do something you know you enjoy and want to get better at. And, of course, you are your own boss. If you decide one day not to work, that is your own choice. You can hire and fire at will. You control the happiness of the work environment. It’s yours and yours alone.

So with all those amazing benefits, why am I not just abandoning the corporate monster and diving into my own world without hesitation? In hours, I could be building a health and fitness coaching business that is thriving and is changing the lives of countless people. Why would I not rush and make this a reality right away?

One word: Fear.

What All Self-Help Says

I read a lot of non-fiction, and one thread that seems to tie the world of money making together with the world of self-help is the need to just do it.

Just do it!

If you want to get something in life, you need to abandon all fears. You need to fight against that nagging voice in your head that says it can’t happen. You need to throw all concerns to the wayside and just dive right in to your new life.

Sadly, the voice that says why not do what you want is so much louder and more powerful than the one that says to get up off your ass and make a difference.

Yes, there is that petite and solemn voice that tells me every morning that I’ve turned my own life around in so many ways, and I could do this for others as well. And I want to listen to it. I try to listen.

The Voices and the Fears

But then it gets shouted down by this overwhelming torrent of negativity.

How could you train other people? You haven’t achieved your own goals yet! You still have weight to lose. You’re not as strong as you’d like to be. You have so many different skills you aren’t even close to mastering. These are not the traits people are looking for when seeking someone to help them get to their next level.

And what about your credentials? You have a BA in Judaic Studies and a Masters in Education. Yes, you were certified as a personal trainer, but it’s expired. And your tech certifications, rabbinic ordination, and bartender license aren’t exactly helping people get into the greatest shape of their lives. Where’s your real credentials? How could you possibly give people the help they need without the right pieces of paper hanging on your wall?

And what makes you think you can get people to come to you? Your marketing skills are mediocre, at best. Your blog is not mainstream. Your books aren’t being bought up by the masses. Your stock photography and print on demand endeavors aren’t exactly lining your pockets with gold. What makes you think you can convince anyone at all to come in through the front door?

Break Through The Fears?

And what happens when all or any of the fears come to fruition? The paychecks aren’t there. The pension isn’t getting filled. But the bills keep coming in. Rent still needs to be paid. Electricity, water, gas, phone, internet, and on and on and on. Nothing changes just because my life was uprooted and I decided to take the exciting but extremely risky path.

What gets someone to break through the fears? I know with enough concerted time and effort, my abilities are virtually limitless. I could figure out how to start a business. I can use the knowledge and abilities I already have, and even though there’s an endless array of what else I could and should learn, I am more than happy to dedicate myself to gaining that education. Not only do I think I can create a great product, but I feel strongly that I can market the hell out of it as well. Effectively. Marketing fascinates me, and I’d be happy to hone my skills.

Just Waiting for the Spark

But more than anything: I know I can help make people’s lives better. If I went back in time, before I was diagnosed with Diabetes, health and fitness were not part of my life. And I couldn’t imagine they’d ever be. But God knows I wish I could go back in time and shake the younger me into realizing the damage I was doing.

If only I had someone in my life who could have motivated me to be a better version of myself, I can’t even fathom how far I would have gotten by this point.

And I want to be that for other people. I want to see the look on someone’s face after I’ve helped them shed the twenty pounds they couldn’t shake for the past decade. I want someone to come to me thanking me for helping them get an extra several years with their children, and happier, healthier years at that.

And I want to do all of this without a boss breathing down my neck. I want freedom. I want space. I want the world at my fingertips. Finally.

All I need to do is break through the fears.

All I need to know is how to fight against the patterns I’ve formed and the trajectory I’ve been on my entire adult life.

Wish me luck!

The post Break through my Fears, and Getting to the Good Life is featured at Jaffe World.

Life with Devorah: Four Years of Gold

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My wife can do anything.

When I met Devorah, she was starring in a local play. And frankly, she was fantastic. Acting is not easy. It’s one of those things lots of people think they can do, but when they try, it just falls flat. Why? Because it’s super complex. There are so many elements to think about at once. There is massive pressure. And you are essentially channeling another life, another soul. To do it well, you are crawling into the psyche of someone who is not you. Someone who may not exist or have ever existed.

But when Devorah gets in front of an audience, she makes it look easy.

Devorah: Just an Actress?

So there I was. I met someone. I had sworn off dating and I had pretty much given up on the possibility of having a meaningful relationship ever again.

But the world had different plans for me. And it looked like I was going to be dating an actress.

Except I knew nothing.

Despite her massive talent, acting wasn’t Devorah’s essence. It wasn’t her bread and butter. It was something she was doing at the time. And excelling at. But it was hardly the only thing she could do. No, I hadn’t even scratched the surface.

Before I came into the picture, she had not only acted in shows, but she had actually directed a show as well. In fact, I would later hear her friends refer to her directing as the “gold standard” in the community.

But wait. There’s more!

This ultra-talented chick cuts hair (including mine), does makeup, sings, dances, sews, makes and fixes jewelry, cooks, bakes, does pole, draws, and probably another half dozen things I’ll later be embarrassed about when I realize I forgot to mention them.

How can one person be so blessed with so many talents?

It almost seems unfair.

Persistence and Tenacity

Nevertheless, I was fortunate enough to find someone like this, because it’s an inspiration for someone like me who would like nothing more than to pile on the knowledge and abilities and skills and whatever else the world can throw my way.

I’m truly lucky and blessed that someone with so much walked into my life.

And even though when we met I was actually dopey enough to say things like, “I can imagine happily staying single for many years to come,” I’ll always feel blessed that she ignored my words, and alongside all of these amazing skills I listed, you can add persistence and tenacity as character traits that helped get us to where we are now.

Thank goodness for that… because God knows I was too oblivious to even realize what had just walked into my life!

How Do You Know?

Yet I didn’t fall for a multi-talented artist. I didn’t get head over heels because my wife would cut my hair, make a healthy version of my favorite ice cream, or can magically turn me into the Dread Pirate Roberts or Edwards Scissorhands. No, that’s all icing on the cake.

I have never met someone so kind and caring in my entire life. When we were dating, we shared a really special and incredible moment. The dating world is hard. People are always wondering how you know you found someone you should cling to. How do you know you found that special someone you can legitimately picture spending the rest of your life with?

Well, there’s no great answer. Any attempt will fall short. Relationships are ultra-complex organisms. Try to scientifically compute compatibility will inevitably fail. And even if you could somehow create the perfect algorithm, tomorrow’s a new day. Life is dynamic. The person you are today could shift with tomorrow’s circumstances or chemical changes in the system. The delicate balance can be thrown off, and what once was perfect will no longer be so.

How do you know you found that special someone you can legitimately picture spending the rest of your life with?
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Proud and Happy

Nevertheless, one of the best descriptions I ever read about what to look for said you should be with someone for whom you’d be proud and happy if your children grew up to be like them.

We read that statement together and almost came to tears, knowing full well we’d love nothing more.

If any of my children, current or future, grew up to have Devorah’s spark, her inherent creativity and talent, and moreover her compassion for the people in her life, I’d be more than happy. I’d be so far beyond proud. Words couldn’t capture the happiness I’d feel.

And that’s the magic that walked into my life just over four years ago.

Life circumstances have repeatedly left me broken. Sometimes feeling a bit empty inside. And I’m still quite a bit broken. And I still have a deep emptiness burning inside me, one that I wish could be filled. One that I can’t truly process.

Happiness is Coming!

But some cute, curly-haired lady sat next to me at a Shabbat meal in Jerusalem, and everything in my life shifted. I finally had hope where hope previously had eluded me. I felt feelings of joy I thought would never be a part of my life. Am I broken? Yes… but the pieces are starting to come together again. Is the feeling of emptiness still present? For sure… but less so than before.

But moreover, they come with feelings of hope where hopelessness previously prevailed. There is a new feeling inside of me that despite all the difficulties I have been through, I’m making a comeback. A good and beautiful life awaits!

Devorah, you are so special and precious to me.

I don’t know if I say it enough, but God knows I certainly feel it all the time.

When you walked into my life, it symbolized for me that not only do I deserve happiness, but it’s a real and present possibility.

Thank you for being there for me, for supporting me in all that I do. Thank you for making me laugh and making me smile. Thank you for taking care of all of us, and bringing so much light into our household.

I am blessed that you are in my life.

I love you so damn much.

The post Life with Devorah: Four Years of Gold is featured at Jaffe World.

Supportive Friends… and the Other Kind

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A few weeks ago, I had quite the learning experience.

I made a post that seemed to anger a lot of people, friends and otherwise. I was rather surprised by the responses I received. And I wanted to flush out a little bit about what I learned from everything that happened.

Offending People is Fine

First of all, I want to say the post I am referring to was the first one I ever took down. It pains me a bit to say this. Anyone who’s been paying attention knows that I care about free speech above almost any value out there. And I feel that speaking my mind is worth it, regardless of any fallout that might come from what I have to say.

So I’ve made posts here and there that have rubbed some people the wrong way. But that’s OK. I really don’t care. And if people want to disagree with me, that’s their choice.

Learning from Friction

In fact, I like it.

I learn from friction. I gain knowledge and wisdom from people challenging me.

The world is filled with people who choose sides and pick a few talking heads to listen to. They then let someone else tell them what to think, and they fight wildly to maintain their extremely biased approach.

In some ways, I even envy such people. Life is simpler for them. It involves fewer decisions. A community is gained. And they can go to sleep at night, not concerned they made any mistakes. They are satisfied and content in their simple outlook.

Good on them, but I could never be that way.

On occasion, I’m going to disagree with some people. And I’ll step on some toes. And sometimes I’ll dig down into the position I’ve chosen. Other times I’ll do a full 180. And other times I am a work in progress, constantly figuring out what I want to believe.

I am evolving.

Supportive Friends

The post in question was deeply personal. And without getting into details (not interested in that again), I chose that it was in my best interest to remove the post. But I do not regret publishing it. What I learned from the brief time it was up was so important, it will always be entirely worth it.

The first thing I noted I was how supportive my friends and family truly are.

The overwhelming amount of support I received was beautiful. People reached out to me, publicly and privately, to send their love. To wish me well. To offer words of encouragement, and some helpful words of advice as well.

And I couldn’t be more pleased.

Say what you will about my original post, this is something I would have never have received if I had just kept my life and pain private. And even thought the matters discussed were deeply personal, after a few crazy decades on this planet, I have amassed a wealth of invaluable connections. And those people care about me, as I do for them. They reached out. They saw me in pain, and offered warm words. And I’ll be forever grateful for that.

Estrangement is Not What I Thought

Alongside of all the support I received, I gained a depressingly large amount of insights into the world of family estrangement.

Thankfully, I have a warm and loving relationship with my parents and siblings, and everyone gets along and always has. But prosperity has a tendency to breed a level of blissful ignorance.

I had no clue how extraordinarily common this was!

Dozens (yes, dozens) of friends reached out to me to tell me their stories. Some were estranged from parents, others from their children. Some for short amounts of time, others for decades. Some situations were resolved, and many others are still ongoing with no obvious end in sight.

And here I was, entering a world of information I could never have anticipated.

We all know that misery loves company, so this newfound knowledge had an inherent level of comfort. But greater comfort came from the words of hope and encouragement from those who had already gained some level of acceptance of their situations. Or those who have seen the other side, and assured me to never stop loving, and to just be ready to lovingly embrace if and when the time comes.

What are Friends?

Finally, I gained a little more clarity on the people around me.

Fact is, the modern world is very complicated. Paradoxically, we have more friends and fewer friends than ever before. We have more friends because we can actually point to a list of the thousands of people we are connected to in our various social media worlds. But more than anything, we have really just defined the lowest common denominator of what it means to be a “friend”.

And we’ve weakened the depth and profundity of our friendships by relegating them to a world of just liking images and periodically stalking Facebook pages.

But in that mess of people, some stand out as being truly there for you. They show that they care, not just by acknowledging that you put up a picture of your cat, but by deeply caring about you and the situations you find yourself in during your life.

I was hurting when I wrote my post. I still am. The wounds are fresh and I imagine they will feel this way for some time, perhaps until the situation is resolved, whenever that may be.

The caring people in my life understand this. Some didn’t like what I wrote or didn’t feel I was approaching the situation the right way. And that, of course, is fine. They reached out to me privately. Or they explained to me their issues in a gentle and friendly manner, while simultaneously acknowledging my pain.

They’re friends. True friends. I want them in my life, and you should want people like that in your life as well.

Friends… the Other Kind

But others were obnoxious. They were demeaning. They were self-righteous and maybe even a little cruel in the way they approached me.

I don’t run from conflict, and I don’t plan to start today. But sometimes it’s nice to put a magnifying glass on the people around you, so you can see who are the precious ones and who are the unsavory ones. And you can learn to cling to the former and keep the latter at arm’s length.

Life’s too short to keep people around who don’t recognize nuance. Who don’t see suffering when it’s right in front of them. Who have no instinct for when it’s appropriate to use kind and gentle words.

May we all find ways to clarify who are the people in our lives we want around, and who should stay permanently relegated to the backseat.

Sometimes it's nice to put a magnifying glass on the people around you, so you can see who are the precious ones and who are the unsavory ones.
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Will the World Reveal the Next Job?

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I am where I am professionally because of inertia. And nothing else.

Maybe some of you out there in Jaffe World can relate to this.

How I Got Here

I went to college in the 90s, right at the end of a generation in which we’re basically told to get a degree not because of the profession that might await us at the end of the tunnel, but to enrich our minds. Choose based on interest, not utility.

So at that time in my life, I was deeply exploring my Judaism, and thus chose to get a degree in Judaic Studies. And I aced it! And waited for the millions to start flying in on the other side.

They did not come.

I finished my degree in Israel, and desperately wanted to study in yeshiva. In 2002, I found the perfect program. I could study intensely for three years, get a monthly stipend for doing so, live rent free, and walk away with rabbinic ordination. My paper collection was about to expand!

After the program was over, one of my teachers hired me to go out into the real world and put my knowledge and skills to the test, as I entered Cornell University as the JLIC Torah Educator. And thus began my journey as an educator, a field I never really considered entering.

How I Found the Tech World

It was a glorious year. It came with many challenges. But it was pretty fun. And I think I did a decent job.

But it didn’t feel authentic to me. I felt like I had to pull teeth to get people to come to my classes. I didn’t want to recruit. I wanted to share knowledge. So I made the leap from informal to formal education, and thus began my nine years teaching hundreds of kids in both Baltimore and Kansas City.

Somewhere in the mix, I started incorporating technology a lot into my classroom and ended up being pegged as the “tech guy”, which led me to both a fascination with computers, and ending up being a computer teacher. While this was all happening, I got a Masters in Education, and a whole wall-full of tech certifications.

So when I was ready to permanently jump away from education, these all helped ease my transition into the next phase of my professional life: The Tech World.

I took the first job I could find, doing Quality Assurance for a company that designed websites for car dealerships. And at first it was all fine and dandy. But I was a contract employee, which means I was essentially hired by an agency. And even though I was 100% working for a specific company, my paychecks and benefits came from the agency. It was a pretty rough situation, watching most of those around me constantly benefiting from cool aspects of the company, that were just not things I would receive.

And then my company merged with another… and they decided to dump all their contract employees.

So I found another contract position. And hung out there until my contract ran out, leaving me with just a tiny amount of time before I would be off on a plane, restarting my life once again in Israel.

The First Six Years in Israel

The bills need to get paid, so I searched high and low for a job for when I made my big return. And I landed my current position, which I’ve held on to and conquered for the past six years. And they’ve been a pleasure.

My job is not very meaningful. I’m not changing the world. I’m not creating situations where people hug me because of the massive impact I’ve had on their lives.

But, the job has been fairly cushy. It’s a vast company, and easy to get lost in. So even though I worked a lot and hard, I still scored a lot of free time out of the deal. And that free time has kept me alive. It’s kept me busy and smiling.

And unlike most jobs I come across in Israel, it handily pays a whole lot of the bills.

But like every other big tech company in the world, at some point it just starts letting people go. It doesn’t matter if you’re an exemplary and ultra-loyal employee (I was both). When the chopping block arrives, anyone can be a victim.

And it finally landed on me.

Getting Pushed from Place to Place

Now, if you carefully observe my employment history, there was never a point along the way in which I enthusiastically took on a new challenge, ultra-excited to finally make my big impact on the world. I never chose a career path. I kind of just let the world push me from place to place. And even though I always landed on my feet, I’ve never felt like I was standing where I belong.

And now here I am. I’m forced to make some big decisions. The layoff fairy has finally sprinkled her dust at my feet.

But what will happen next?

In Israel, and perhaps everywhere, you often just need to “get a job”. The “where” isn’t all that important. There just needs to be some money coming in.

I’ve done that a few times in my life. I did telemarketing for the New York Republic State Committee, sold Lotto tickets and cigarettes at a newsstand, cleaned a nasty bakery, and stood mindlessly for hours in front of a hospital… which some would call “working as a security guard”.

I don’t think I have the stomach to regress to a job like one of these again.

Even though I always landed on my feet, I've never felt like I was standing where I belong.
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Will I Break the Shackles of Inertia?

Of course, I can hunt far and wide for a job like the one I’ve had the last six years. Not ultra-complicated. Certainly not very fulfilling. But it pays the bills, gives a certain welcome level of freedom to my life, and is a hearty step or two above all the aforementioned grunt roles.

But the final and arguably best choice is to forge a new path. To finally break the inertia, figure out what the world wants with me, find my true passion, and pursue it with every last ounce of energy I possess.

I don’t yet know which road I will traverse.

I have no idea what the future holds for me.

All I can say is: I’m sick of just being tossed wherever the tide takes me.

And I am so damn curious what will happen next.

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Fewer Goals in 2023

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It’s 2023, and the implications scare the crap out of me.

Over the past several years, I’ve written posts talking about goals either for the upcoming calendar year or for the next year of my life. In fact, I have lists all over the place of goals. I have a big fat bucket list just sitting on my computer collecting virtual dust. And I have lists everywhere of goals ranging from the relatively tiny to the excessively lofty.

Goals as a Source of Shame

The problem is: I’ve slowed down. Way too much. And these lists that are supposed to push me and motivate me, as well as give me some level of accountability, have morphed into a source of, for lack of a better word, shame.

When I look at a post from a year ago and say to myself that it’s so great I accomplished all five or even most of the five goals I set out to accomplish for the year, I’m supposed to be overjoyed. I’m supposed to look back with pride at my monumental accomplishment.

But what do I do when it’s zero out of five? What do I do when I look at my goals and realize that I haven’t made any inroads whatsoever in any of them, without even having Corona as an excuse anymore?

These lists that are meant to inspire instead become a source of pain. They don’t motivate me. They depress me.

And they make me feel stuck. Locked in place. Terrified that even though every day of my life I might accomplish little tasks here and there, I’m still left with my lofty and enormous goals just hanging above me, almost mocking me with how little progress has been made.

Operation Alaska

How does this happen?

How does life leave us in seemingly endless patterns, wandering down roads that don’t seem to be going anywhere?

Is this just another product of the painful institution we call adulthood?

When I was in my teens and twenties, I felt like I was having life-altering revelations daily. On a dime, I could just pick up my life where it stood and throw everything I’ve ever known on its head. If I wanted to pick up and move to Alaska for a year to master my ice fishing skills, it was an option on the table.

Yet as an adult, with a wife, kids, and bills to pay, when I contemplate Operation Alaska, all I can come up with are reasons why it’s a problem. And the list just gets longer and longer until I dismiss the idea as just a childish whim, a fantasy I could never actually fulfill.

How does life leave us in seemingly endless patterns, wandering down roads that don't seem to be going anywhere?
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Yearning to Break Free

I want to be able to break free.

I want to be able to look at my bucket list, work through everything one at a time, and by the end of a year feel like the sky’s the limit. I can conquer the world. There is no task too big. If I want to master a foreign language, get a PhD, learn how to surf, and start training toward a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, then I just get out there and get the process started.

But life, once again, rears its ugly head.

And before you know it, I’m not mastering Spanish. I’m responding to people’s email marketing questions.

I’m not speaking with my university mentor. I’m doing the dishes.

I’m not getting out there and riding the waves. I’m going to countless doctors, just to feel mildly healthy.

And I’m not hitting the mat at a BJJ studio. I’m figuring out how to pay for my groceries.

And I don’t see where or how this process comes to an end.

Waiting for Retirement

One of the most formative and inspirational books I ever read was the Four-Hour Work Week, by Tim Ferriss. A major point of the book is to try and figure out a way to break the pattern most of us are trapped in in our lives. We spend half our waking ours working and commuting to and from our jobs, leaving little room to enjoy our lives the way we wish to live them.

And before you know it, we’re 65, retired, with a small amount of retirement money coming in, and we’re way too tired to really enjoy this next stage of our lives.

So how can one go about breaking free, so they can start enjoying their lives right now? Now, when they have some energy left. Now, when it really counts. How can we put down our work laptops, run out into the vast and beautiful world out there, and live each moment to the fullest?

All I can say is: I wish I knew!

But I do know one thing.

One Goal for 2023

This year everyone will be spared a post about my goals for the upcoming year. More than anyone, I will be spared that post.

Because 2023 has one goal and one goal alone. And yes, I’m aware that this goal can just as easily become the source of my frustration like any other, but it is way too important to not make sure it is a major focus in my life.

My goal for 2023 is to break free. My goal for 2023 is to stop being the product of society’s wishes and whims.

From when I was a child I was taught by nearly everyone around me that life was a simple pattern: Get educated, get a degree, enter the workforce, retire, and then leave this world having educated the next generation to follow the same pattern.

I entered the Jewish world and a few more essential elements were tossed into the picture: Get married, have lots of kids, and try to do a bunch of really kind things.

And a lot of these are great and special elements of my life.

But they’re not enough. And they have a tendency to lock you in place. I don’t want to be trapped. I don’t want to feel like I’ve put up a wall to my potential. I want to break free of life’s patterns and forge a brand new path for myself.

May 2023 be my year of freedoom. May 2023 bring happiness and prosperity, to me and those I love, in ways we could have never even imagined!

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I Will Always Love My Daughter… Who’s Not Speaking To Me

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It’s a different kind of heartbreak. It’s a pain I have never really felt before, and I’m having more than a little trouble comprehending.

This is how I’m feeling after several weeks of one of my children refusing to speak with me.

It’s not a feeling I’m used to or ever hope to be used to. And one in which processing could take me a lifetime. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that…

The Love of Children

Let’s back up a few steps.

I love my kids. I love them like there’s no tomorrow, and I always will. She could remain stubborn and never speak to me again (God forbid), and my love for her won’t diminish. Not a bit. And if she ever needs me for anything, I’ll be there instantly without hesitation.

That’s what it means to be a father. The love is always flowing. If she chooses not to turn on the faucet, that is obviously her choice. But if she just gives it a little turn–now and forever–the stream will never stop.

Shameful Admission

I’m ashamed to admit something.

There are many fathers in the world that are thorough deadbeats. Upon divorce, they move somewhere else, and they take the opportunity to exit their children’s lives. Obviously this manifests itself financially, but sometimes they just vanish completely from their children’s lives.

I think it’s reprehensible. Your children are and will always be your responsibility.

That being said… To some extent, I get it. I understand an aspect of why they may have made this choice. (Hence the shame)

Those of us who are divorced with children can sometimes find ourselves actually jealous of those who divorced before kids came into the picture. They get to make a clean break. They move on. It’s actually possible for them to never again interact with their ex, and they get to break free and create the life for themselves they actually want.

But the rest of us feel like we’ll never be free. We’re shackled by the circumstances we created for ourselves, and it’s terribly upsetting to feel this level of trapped.

So no, most of us couldn’t stomach doing something so awful as to abandon our own flesh and blood.

But I feel shame in admitting that I understand why someone would want to.

The Opportunity to Leave

And in my case, the opportunity stared me right in the face. There was literally an ocean between me and my kids. We Skyped twice a week, but that could have easily just fallen to the side.

I was figuring things out financially, I loved my home and my community, and I was building a fun and active social life.

But my kids are my kids. And they always will be. So when it was feasible, I moved to a country I didn’t want to live in, tried to adapt to a lifestyle I did not want to lead, all so I could be an active part of their lives.

If someone tried to tell me I was not a dedicated parent, I would get beyond angry. What more could I possibly do to show the universe how important my children are to me?

I tried my hardest to be an important part of my kids’ lives even when we were an ocean apart, and now that we’re reunited, the relationship strengthens all the time.

Fears and Apprehensions

Of course there are fears and apprehensions when remarrying. I taught many children of divorce over my nine years in the field, and it seemed like the norm was minimally a strained relationship with one or both step-parents.

But I couldn’t have that. They’ve been through enough trauma over the years, and I wasn’t about to cause more, just so I could make another attempt at finding love. So I chose the right person. And my children have an objectively better life with Devorah in it.

She has a strong relationship with everyone and the bond grows all the time.

How Did We Get Here?

So with everything I’ve said, how could it be that one child has pulled away? How can someone not recognize what they have, what was sacrificed for them, and all the love that’s been poured all over them for twelve years?

The sad answer is: I have no idea.

Something is objectively wrong. Something is broken. And it’s hard for me to fathom what that might be.

I haven’t stopped loving my beautiful daughter, not for a second.

But she seems hellbent on showing me that the feelings are not reciprocated. And she wants to hurt us. Some of the things expressed to both Devorah and me in the last several weeks leave me flabbergasted. Shocked. And in a great deal of pain.

And it’s caused me to do what I normally do in these situations.

I ask a lot of people a whole lot of questions. I talk things through. I listen. I seek viable solutions.

And then I retreat, because I just can’t think about it anymore. Not without feeling like a piece of me is being ripped apart.

An Open Message to My Daughter

Devarya, I don’t know if you’ll see this let alone read it. But there are some things you need to know.

You can reject me or my fatherhood status. You can ignore me. And you can hate me and make me no longer a part of your life.

These are your choices. And no one in the world can take them away from you.

But my choice is to love you and all my children. Unconditionally.

That means you can be mean and nasty to me and Devorah. And even though I find it cruel and distasteful, my love for you will not be diminished.

You can choose to reject to me, but I will never stop being there for you. When you need me, I will come running. Without hesitation.

Whatever you’re going through right now, I’m sure it’s difficult and painful. I’m sure you need a few shoulders to lean on.

My shoulders will always be there for you. Even if this drags on for months or even years, I will never stop loving you and caring about you.

I want you in my life. I always will.

Take your time, if you need.

Be angry, if that’s your desire.

But from my side, nothing’s changed. Nothing will change. However you feel and whatever you do, you’ll always be my daughter. And I will always love you.

My choice is to love you and all my children. Unconditionally.
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Brittney Griner Absolutely Had to Come Home

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The case of Brittney Griner is absolutely fascinating.

It is so pregnant with debatable conversation starters, you basically don’t need to talk about anything else at your next get together.

Try it. If you find yourself around a few friends who like friendly debate and have a general idea of what is happening in the world, watch how far the conversation could go.

The Questionable Brittney Griner Exchange

For the very uninitiated, Brittney Griner is a WNBA player who was recently arrested and charged in Russia for a drug offense, and the United States government successfully negotiated a prisoner swap with her and Viktor Bout, a notorious weapons dealer.

There are tons of relevant details here, but this is about a quick of a summary as possible.

OK, you want to get that conversation going. Here are a few questions I suggest going over along the way:

Is it ethical to allow a dangerous criminal to be freed under any circumstances?

How much should the US government interfere with the criminal proceedings of another sovereign nation?

Is it ethical to imprison someone for marijuana possession? Who gets to make that decision? Does it matter if the punishment is far greater than one most might find acceptable?

Is it fair that Griner was released while Paul Whelan remains in a Russian prison? Should America have worked harder to make sure both were released?

Why was she in Russia in the first place? Should the WNBA pay its players more? Was it a good idea to go to Russia during its invasion of another nation?

Should the US, when making these decisions, factor in the attitudes and behaviors of Griner? Meaning, she was among the many athletes who kneeled during the national anthem in protest for racial injustice. Does this make her “un-American”? And if so, does the country “owe” anything to her at all?

All of these questions and so many more could fill your table with endless discussion!

Where Most Seem to Agree

And listening to commentary on the topic is very intriguing. Everyone has an opinion and I’m really appreciating the depth of discussion.

A few things everyone seems to agree on (as far as I could tell):

Viktor Bout is a very bad person, and it would certainly be better for him to remain in prison.Whereas Griner was indeed guilty, and a sovereign nation has the right to its own laws and how to enforce them, this “offense” was clearly trumped up with a nasty agenda from the Russian government.If an American finds themselves in such a situation, it’s best we work to get them home.But We’re Not a Nation of Agreers

But the agreements seem to end there.

I’d like to focus on one commentary I recently listened to, that of Ben Shapiro.

First of all, I’d like to say that I like Ben. I stopped listening to him a while ago, not because he’s not entertaining or because I disagree with a lot of what he says. I stopped listening because it gave me negative vibes. The show is basically just a rant against anything and everything left wing and liberal. It’s not a mood I need seeping into my subconscious. I’ve got enough to worry about in life. I don’t need to be angrier or more cynical.

In any case, he repeatedly stated that he’s happy that Brittney Griner is home. The US set it as a goal to stand in the face of Russia’s ridiculous posturing, in order to get back one of its own.

That’s not the problem.

The problem is the amount of hype surrounding this particular situation. The intense efforts made for Griner, and the complete lack of efforts for many others who, arguably, have suffered far more, haven’t actually committed the crimes they are accused of, and are more patriotic to the country seeking their freedom.

Why Brittney Griner?

The exchange wasn’t made because Griner deserved this more than others. Rather, this was done because she was a woman. It was done because she’s black. It was done because she is a member of the LGBTQ+ community. And it was done because she is well known as an athlete who took the knee, a la Colin Kaepernick.

We don’t fight to retrieve patriots.

Rather, we bend over backwards for the ones who will get the most attention, and achieve the most salient political goals. Brittney Griner came home because someone thought this was better for advancing an agenda.

Now, it’s not that Ben doesn’t have a point.

But I think something vital needs to be said here.

Black people were discriminated against in the United States for centuries. Women have gotten the short end of the stick for nearly as long. And LGBTQ+ discrimination is one of the few prejudices I’ve witnessed intensely during my lifetime.

In addition, the United States, as a country and a concept, celebrates diversity of thought and opinion. Arguably it’s the country’s most appealing feature, and absent this, it would cease to have a real reason to exist.

Britnney Griner Had To Come Home

All of this is the reason why Brittney Griner specifically had to come home.

She was returned to the States because she is black. We are no longer a nation that turns its back on the black folk living among us. We are all equals. Despite Dave Chappelle’s hysterical routine about black hostages, we are a nation finally ready to state that we are all one.

Brittney Griner had to be reunited with her family because she’s a woman. Everyone is on equal footing in the US.

Brittney Griner had to be returned to the safe soil of the United States of America because she is gay. We are no longer a country that is comfortable saying some of its people are dispensable while others remain important.

And Brittney Griner had to be negotiated for because she questions the morality and sanctity of her home country. We are a nation of wildly differing ideas, and despite the fact that we bicker quite a lot, everyone has the right to believe what they want. All citizens of this incredible nation have the freedom to choose to kneel during the anthem without fear they will be a societal outcast.

We might believe drastically different things, but at the end of the day, we are all brethren. We are on the same side.

And that demonstration of universal solidarity is just about the most important thing we can do.

We don’t just fight for the rights of white, male, straight, ruggedly patriotic Americans. We fight for all Americans!

We might believe drastically different things, but at the end of the day, we are all brethren. We are on the same side.
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