Hailey Hudson's Blog, page 5

July 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

This month, a lot of my energy was sucked up by medical- and music-related stuff. While there were good days, I also fluctuated a lot in July between feeling depressed, lonely, and emotional. I did a lot of marketing (for my business) and drank my weight in lavender matchas. And at the end of the month, Joshua and I flew to Mississippi to visit Grandpa for a week (plus my aunt and uncle, and some other family)! Despite physical exhaustion and work stress, it made me so happy to be there with them.

This month I’m…

Reading: The Country of the Blind: A Memoir at the End of Sight, Andrew Leland. Miracle at St. Anna, James McBride. Jacob I Have Loved, Katherine Paterson. One Hundred Saturdays, Michael Frank. The Hurting Kind, Ada Limon. A Ring of Endless Light and Troubling A Star, Madeleine L’Engle. Exactly Where You Need to Be, Amelia Diane Coombs (reread). Starry Eyes, Jenn Bennett (reread). Amelia Unabridged, Ashley Schumacher (reread). Love, Theoretically, Ali Hazelwood. Walk Two Moons, Sharon Creech. Kids of Appetite, David Arnold. 13 total

Listening to: My summer playlist (including some new songs I’ve been waiting on for a very long time, like Dead Man by Alessia Cara and Appalachia by Rebecca Rhea). Family Business album by Lawrence.

Watching: TV shows–Cheer season two. Movies–10 Things I Hate About You (rewatch); Captain America: Winter Soldier (rewatch).

Writing: I did my usual volunteer work with my church and the Diamonds Conference, although both were very little this month. I enjoyed voice and songwriting; Joshua and I filmed a Sibling Tag – Eight Years Later YouTube video; and I released my latest original single, Fun, and performed a little (one bigger gig was canceled extremely last-minute, but see a couple of other performances here and here). And I worked quite a bit on my book–it’s now over 40,000 words, and I researched and thought a lot about some big topics.

Grateful for: No holiday grief. Colorful, fun graphics. Making Hot Wheels obstacle courses with traffic cones. Madeleine L’Engle. Hyperfixating on teaching myself Gatsby vocal melodies by ear. Much-needed reassuring text conversations with a friend. Fireflies. Comparing twirly dresses with a two-year-old friend. Coffee shop energy. God providing something specific I asked for. Spending time with little (first) cousins (once removed). Always so much laughter here. Joshua’s and my sibling telepathy/humor. A friend sending me money to help with the cost of my life-sustaining medical supplies (that the healthcare system should be providing me, but, you know #murica). Chaotic adventures with my family. Spending time with Joshua.

What did you do this month?

June 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

June was a difficult month. It started out hard and heavy from the very beginning; then turned stressful and upsetting; then made my mental health dip; and finally ended with me simply feeling distracted and stuck. I cried a lot this month, lol. If I had to name good things from June, I honestly feel hard-pressed… but I’d mention listening to expansive new music, seeing new connections in Scripture during book research, and feeling a special kind of unity in my church family.

This month I’m…

Reading: Daughters of a Dead Empire, Carolyn Tara O’Neil. The Promise and Davita’s Harp, Chaim Potok. Faithful and Virtuous Night, Louise Gluck. The Luminous Life of Lucy Landry, Anna Rose Johnson. Remarkably Bright Creatures, Shelby Van Pelt. Deeper, Dane C. Ortlund. Through A Clouded Mirror, Miya T. Beck. Funny Story, Emily Henry. Lessons in Chemistry, Bonnie Garmus. Ophie’s Ghosts, Justina Ireland. 11 total

Listening to: My summer playlist. The Journeywomen podcast. The Outsiders musical. Gracie Abrams’ new album.

Watching: Movies–Moana (yes, for the first time). TV shows–America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Writing: I did my usual volunteer work for my church, and for People Hope, who is actually closing its doors at the end of this month after an amazing ten years. I worked on voice (once my breathing and cough finally stabilized after my May admission) and enjoyed getting back into penpalling more than I have in a while. I did a photoshoot for an upcoming project launch; took a really excellent poetry class from Joy Sullivan; and the draft of my book is currently sitting around 35,000 words.

Grateful for: Clean sheets. A new Internet friend sending flowers to my door. Celestial and butterfly paper. Windows down weather. Seeing new connections in Scripture. A new Barnes & Noble opening less than ten minutes away from me. My mom cleaning my shower. Strawberry sorbetto. Inbound leads. Kitty biscuits. Getting two months of music lessons for $1.

What did you in June?

May 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

The first couple of weeks of the month, I spent getting back into a routine with work after my sabbatical. The second half of May, that routine went completely out the window as I unexpectedly dealt with major chronic illness issues that sent me first to bed and then to the hospital. It was all extremely difficult on both body and mind. A few highlights of this month were the perfect Saturday pictured below, and what a good reading month it was (how many 5+ star books in a row can I have?!). 

This month I’m…

Reading: The Princess Protection Program, Alex London. Mr. Popper’s Penguins, Richard and Florence Atwater (reread). My Name Is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok. The Silent Unseen, Amanda McCrina. The Girl With The Red Balloon, Katherine Locke. Stateless, Elizabeth Wein. Instructions For Traveling West, Joy Sullivan. The Fun Habit, Mike Rucker. A Wish in the Dark, Christina Soontornvat. The Many Lives of Mama Love, Lara Love Hardin. Revelle, Lyssa Mia Smith. The Fellowship of Puzzlemakers, Samuel Burr. Artifice, Sharon Cameron. The Moon That Turns You Back, Hala Alyan. The Sun Does Shine, Anthony Ray Hinton. (15 total)

Listening to: My spring 2024 playlist. A Perfect Little Death album by Eleri Ward (mostly Send in the Clowns and Take Me to the World… utter, utter perfection).

Watching: YouTube–Glory’s Stories and Shelby Church. Movies–Clueless.

Writing: I didn’t do as much volunteer work this month since I was getting back into work. But I made more progress with songwriting than I have in a while. I also added about 8,000 words to my book and did some more brainstorming, researching, and outlining.

Grateful for: Catching up with my friend’s family. Trying something new. A friend’s enthusiasm about my book. Intergenerational friendships. Fairy villages. Where I live. A new migraine med. The ability to rest. My mom running errands for me. Opening my windows during a summer storm. Girl talk. Great nurses. Fast hospital WiFi.

What did you do in May??

I took a month off work – here’s how it went

Back in February, I randomly came up with the kind-of-crazy-but-very-exciting idea to take a whole month off work. At first, it was just a joke. “So many things keep getting added to my calendar for April, I might as well take the entire month off work,” I commented dryly to my mom. But the idea took root and germinated. A friend of mine who runs a nonprofit had just gone on sabbatical for three months. Why can’t I have a sabbatical?, I thought wryly. And then: Why can’t I have a sabbatical? And just like that, I’d talked myself into it and the idea was born.

To be clear, most weeks I’m usually only physically able to work approximately 10 hours a week, anyway. (I work as a freelance writer and content marketer in the healthcare and tech industries through my business The Hardworking Creative, LLC.) So it’s not like I was stepping away from a full-time job. I considered still making myself available for a few clients in April, but decided that no, I wanted a clean break. Even if I’m only actively sitting at my computer working for ~10 hours each week, there’s still the mental load–constantly thinking about that email I need to send or that piece I need to edit–and there’s still the fact that any time my body is feeling well and I have energy, I feel like I need to devote it to work. What a luxury it would be to get up and immediately sit down with a fresh brain to write a novel or a poem or a song on every day of the week instead of just Saturday!

I started preparing for my sabbatical early, telling my clients in mid-February that I’d be unavailable during the month of April. For a couple of them, I offered to do a little extra work in March and May. For others, I didn’t (because the idea was to not kill myself working ahead in March). All of my clients were wonderful, responding something along the lines of, “No problem–here’s some stuff for you to start in May once you’re back.” I decided that I would still check email every few days in April and respond to anything that came up (such as a potential new client inquiring about my availability).

I hadn’t taken this much time off work, like, ever. Before this month, two weeks were the most consecutive days I’d ever taken off–and that usually only happens once a year, at Christmas (when your schedule is different, anyway). My “things I want to do during my sabbatical” list filled up VERY quickly, and I had to remind myself that I only had four weeks and the main idea was to rest. Yes, to see my friends and my grandpa and possibly take a weekend trip, but also to just sit in the sunshine without my phone and read poetry.

So… how did my sabbatical month end up working out? Let’s take a look! (You can also see a video wrap-up of the month on my YouTube channel, and read my usual monthly wrap-up blog post.)

Reflecting on my sabbatical

I had three “big events” going on this month that involved seeing friends or family from out of town (Hannah’s book tour, Annabelle’s graduation in Oklahoma, and Grandpa’s visit). I packed so many wonderful experiences and memories into each one, and it was great to have ample time to rest before and after without stressing about getting ahead on work. Each of these filled my heart with joy! I also spent other (shorter!) fun times with friends, family, and people I love, and was reminded over and over of how blessed I am by the people in my life. Truly, my friends are the best part of me.

I continued doing normal life things this month, like church, voice lessons, and doctor’s appointments. It was nice to have more capacity to focus on those rather than being stressed about squeezing them into my limited energy. I’d intended to do some life catch-up things this month, like home organization or getting my messed-up laptop audio fixed, but most of those tasks didn’t happen… whoops. But of course, I consumed and created SO much good art–and that’s always my priority!

I particularly focused on watching movies and reading nonfiction since I usually struggle to find the energy for those. Anytime I’m able to consume things like poetry and theology (instead of only having the energy for B2B tech articles and Instagram), I can’t describe how right it makes my brain feel. Stuffing in new concepts and beautiful language makes my brain feel GOOD. It’s similar to the feeling you might get after a big Thanksgiving dinner–you feel satisfied and full (and maybe a little stretched) of interesting, flavorful food. I wish I had the physical, cognitive, and creative energy to make myself feel this way all the time. Truly, all I want in life is to READ!

I also unexpectedly started writing my own nonfiction book this month, which of course absolutely consumed my brain in the best way. I have a ~20,000 word brain dump outline ready to go to begin drafting. And I enjoyed things like writing Escapril pieces, catching up on pen pal letters, and making YouTube videos.

“I’m in that phase with [my book] where I can barely hold a conversation or take a shower without my fingers itching to write down new topics and paragraphs. When a book is writing itself in my head, that makes me feel like ME. I can’t do anything about it, I just have to ride the wave. And boy, this one is COMING. And now is the time… I forget how much it is truly my happiest of happy places to be sitting at my window writing a book, with my whiteboard, and stacks of reference books everywhere. It feels so good–it feels like ME.”

I also pondered the idea of newness this month. In my earlier adulthood, a value that was important to me was newness–pushing myself to visit new places, meet new people, have new experiences. But then life faded into survival mode as my body became more sick and less able. This month, however, it was really nice to have the space to tap into that again–whether the “newness” looked like traveling to a state I’d never been to, going on a first date, or simply trying a different coffee shop drink (I like chai tea lattes and matcha, who knew). I think doing new things is important for everyone, but especially for creatives! And these new, different experiences are certainly a part of why I feel like I grew so much this month.

In some ways, however, I discovered that a month was almost too much time. A month is really a LONG time, and by the start of the third week (which was the only week without a “big event” anchoring it), I decided maybe it wasn’t so great anymore for me to be floating through my days with nothing to do. Of course I had things to do; I left the house every day (which is more often than usual for me) and I had a long list of projects I wanted to work on. But unwelcome emotions were pushing their way into the extra space in my brain. I don’t usually struggle with anxiety on a regular basis, but in April I experienced a pretty good bit of anxiety on and off, for no discernable reason. There were many times when I randomly felt like I wanted to cry, also for no reason (deep happiness and thankfulness? Bittersweeet-ness or future grief? Who can tell). And sometimes, I felt depressed, blue, and off, struggling to motivate myself to do anything–especially any “real life” things, like medical phone calls or laundry (I am truly ashamed to admit the state of my laundry room this entire month). At first, it had felt amazing to not be scheduling out my weekdays by the hour like I usually do; I felt gloriously un-rushed. But this wide-openness lacked the structure I probably needed. Perhaps there is such a thing as too much space, after all.

While part of me was ready to get back to my usual routine (ask me the day of the week at any time during April and I couldn’t have told you), I was also facing an amplified case of the Sunday Scaries as the month drew to a close. Job? What job? I didn’t want to go back to work! People, sunshine + trees, and poetry + music (preferably all together at the same time) are the ingredients for my mental health. But these things sap my physical health more than I’d like. And after thirty glorious days packed with sunshine and people and poetry, the idea of once again getting up every day only to sit on my couch by myself and work seemed boring, monotonous, and lonely. I wasn’t sure what the transition back would feel like (and admittedly didn’t always have a very good attitude about it).

Now, at the very end of my sabbatical as I reflect on everything that happened this month, I find myself both ready and not ready for the month to end. Overall, I’d say my sabbatical was certainly a success. But there are a few things I might do differently next time, such as taking a shorter time frame and designating it for one specific project (“I’m taking off work for two weeks to accomplish xyz”). I don’t think I can be happy truly doing nothing. But April was absolutely wonderful. I feel rested and refreshed. I made so many wonderful memories. I learned and grew and experienced and created. And there were so many moments when I felt deeply happy, thankful, and in love with the world and with life. I’m grateful I had the ability to take this month off work and to do everything I did. Now… it’s back to work, and apparently, it’s also time to write a book!!

Have you ever taken a sabbatical, or an extended time off work? I would love to hear about it!

April 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

In April, I went on sabbatical. I took the entire month off work and passed the days spending time with people I love; working on personal creative projects (such as unexpectedly starting to write a new book); and simply resting. I had three “big events” this month (aka pre-planned, multi-day things involving out-of-town friends or family). First, Hannah came in town to do some book promo events (for her new book Open Hands) at my brother’s college:

Next, Kristen and I flew to Oklahoma (a state I’d never been to before) to see Annabelle and celebrate her graduation from Army BCT at Fort Sill:

And third, Grandpa came to town for a week:

I also enjoyed spending additional time with friends and family, and I went to church, voice lessons, and doctor’s appointments like usual. Overall, it was a really nice month! Of course no month is perfect and there were still weird emotions and hard days, but I’m so thankful for everything I was able to do and experience during my sabbatical.

This month I’m…

Reading: Thirst, Mary Oliver. I Didn’t Do The Thing Today, Madeleine Dore. The Doldrums, Nicholas Gannon (reread). On Getting Out of Bed, Alan Noble. Lucky Wreck and You Are Here, Ada Limon. Destroy the Day, Brigid Kemmerer (DNF). Together Is A Beautiful Place, Bailey Hurley. If God Is Good, Randy Alcorn. Emily Wilde’s Map of The Otherworlds, Heather Fawcett. The Night War, Kimberly Brubaker Bradley. The Green Glass Sea and White Sands, Red Menace, Ellen Klages (rereads). Rift, Cait West. The Blood Years, Elana K. Arnold. The Gift of Asher Lev, Chaim Potok. 16 total

Listening to: My spring 2024 playlist. Benson Boone’s new album. Elle Cove’s Selfishly Inclined EP.

Watching: TV shows–Sex and the City season 1. Movies–The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes; Tangled; Pollyanna (rewatch).

Writing: I did my usual volunteer work for People Hope, the Diamonds Conference, and my church. I wrote five Escapril pieces; caught up on all my pen pal letters; and did lots of singing (but don’t ask about songwriting). I unexpectedly started writing a new (nonfiction) book and ended the month with a massive 18,000-word outline/brain dump. And while I didn’t get to work on fiction or photography this month like I had wanted, I did enjoy filming my sabbatical for YouTube.

Grateful for: Friends where you know all of each other’s best stories. The excitement of erasing my whiteboard to brainstorm a new book. Meeting interesting new people. This place of abundance. Feeling encouraged about my ability to travel. The gift of doing normal casual stuff. So many good conversations with a treasured mentor/friend. Hearing all of the birds outside my window. Time and space. Toddlers. Singing Disney princess music. Raspberry lemonade. The GREEN of April in Georgia. My new Matthew Henry commentary. Grandpa’s sense of humor (don’t get a big head). Days with less nausea.

What did you do in April? Have you ever taken a “sabbatical” or an extended vacation? I highly recommend it!!

March 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

Well… March was A Month. I had a really, truly horrible two health weeks in the middle of it (and yet continued to push myself through some big pre-scheduled events until my body absolutely fully crashed). Other stuff happened that drove me to a lot of reflecting and journaling and prayer. There were definitely happy times–like petting so many dogs at an agility competition, and spending a beautiful spring day with Brooke, and taking a family day trip to attend the wedding of a childhood family friend–and my mental health was decidedly better than it usually is in March. But overall, I am definitely ready for April!

This month I’m…

Reading: The Secret Life of Hidden Places, Stefan Bachmann. The Three Toymakers, Ursula Moray Williams. A Heart in A Body in The World, Deb Caletti (reread). Manatee Summer, Evan Griffith. The Love Hypothesis, Ali Hazelwood. Go As A River, Shelley Read. Conditions of a Heart, Bethany Mangle. That Sounds Fun, Annie F. Downs (reread). The Collected Poems, Sylvia Plath (DNF whoops). The Wishing Game, Meg Shaffer. Coyote Lost and Found, Dan Geimenhart (not pictured, me sobbing hysterically over this one). Divine Rivals, Rebecca Ross. Open Hands, Hannah Peteffer (get your copy here!). Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries, Heather Fawcett. Nothing Else But Miracles, Kate Albus. 15 total

Listening to: Em Beihold. Katie Lynne Sharbaugh. PureNRG. My spring 2024 playlist. A Social Life With Friends podcast.

Watching: YouTube–Alexis Eldredge. Movies–The Breakfast Club.

Writing: I did my usual volunteer work with People Hope, the Diamonds Conference, and my church. I released my song Sea, and published two YouTube videos (the recording diaries, ep. 3 and VLOG–Cleveland Clinic trip). But unfortunately, that was about it this month. (See below the miniature golf course in a cigar box lid that I made in February for my dad’s birthday gift.)

Grateful for: The steadiness of God’s love. Pink blossoms. Long emails with a friend. Writing hopeful songs. Barbie singalongs with my favorite four-year-old. Manna for each day. Cut + Paste Magazine. Unexpectedly seeing old friends. Energy to run errands. Bubbles. Good naps. Meeting other creatives. Sunrise tulips.

What was March like for you? I’m going on sabbatical in April and I am excited, grateful, and ready!

Facebook memories and how God is always working

Sometimes my Facebook memories make me cringe. Sometimes they make me smile. And sometimes, they show me how the Lord was working in my life in ways that I didn’t realize at the time.

Earlier this week, my Facebook memory from six years ago reminded me of an rainy, muddy spring afternoon spent at the house of very close friends. A few weeks prior to that day, a huge change had occurred in all of our lives. It was hard, but it was also weird in the sense that to me, the change didn’t yet feel real. The ramifications had not fully sunk in for me yet–until that day, when we gathered with those friends like we always did and I realized things would never be the same again. That I had lost something I could not get back. After I made the cute Facebook post about my favorite littles hunting eggs, I vividly remember going home and crying in the shower because it had finally hit me: I would never have this again.

photo circa that day in march 2018as seen in my journal from that week

But when I scrolled further down in my Facebook memories, I noticed something interesting. Facebook showed me a “friendship anniversary,” indicating that on the very same day, I had apparently become Facebook friends with somebody new–a family who is now such an integral part of my life that they’ve driven me to the ER, that we just bought plane tickets together, that I ended up spending my birthday at their house this year.

Back on that muddy spring day in 2018, I couldn’t see the future. I had no idea how God would use these people, whom I had just met, in my life. All I could see was my tears mixing with the water swirling down the drain.

But now, six years later, I was struck by this timing. Even though I didn’t recognize it back then, God was giving me hope. He was setting up a foundation for me, laying the groundwork of a new season that I would eventually step into. Is it the exact same as it was the first 18 years of my life? No. That season has passed. But is it every bit as sweet? Absolutely, and I am overwhelmingly thankful for it every single day.

Even in my grief, confusion, and pain, God was working. When I had no idea what was coming next, God was preparing the way. All I could do in March 2018 was cry about what I had lost… and yet, at that exact same moment, God was strategically connecting me to where I would need to be.

I am so thankful for the sovereignty, the mercy, and the provision of our Lord. Even during seasons when we cannot imagine what is ahead, He is working. He gives us good gifts–most of all, Himself–and He is always working behind the scenes to bring about His plans in His timing… which is better than anything we could ever imagine or dream up ourselves. Thanks be to God!

My new single SEA is yours today

It felt appropriate to release my second single — SEA — today, after spending this week at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio for a jam-packed schedule of appointments with top specialists.

Living in a body that’s “as complex as it gets” was never the story I wanted. I never could have imagined the physical and emotional pain I’ve lived through in the past 25 years of chronic illness. Part of that is the trajectory of my life changing — being unable to have so many things I desperately wish I could do.

And that is what led me to write this song, on a rainy winter day in early 2023. I was scrolling YouTube after a sobering appointment with a GI surgeon and discovered Sailing Zatara — a family who lives on a sailboat. The chorus of my new song SEA says simply:

I want the sea, I want the stars, I want anything but what my problems are

This longing for things I can’t have is a big part of my story. Maybe it’s part of yours, too, with whatever limitations or hard stuff you deal with. God’s goodness and faithfulness is never-ending; I am completely and wholly satisfied in Him. But on some level, the feeling of desperately wanting more is still always there. And it’s okay to feel sad about everything I have lost and may never be able to have on this earth.

All of that to say… the song is out and it’s a piece of my heart in music form. Listen now to SEA on Spotify, YouTube, or wherever else you get your music (and get a behind-the-scenes look at the recording process).

Massive thank-you’s to: Marshall, Andrew, Karina, MA, and Jillian

February 2024 Monthly Wrap-Up

If January lasted six months, February flew by twice as fast. I had more energy than usual for much of the month, which just made life so much easier and happier. It was a pretty normal/quiet month of the usual work, church, music rotation, and it was really nice.

I also had a birthday, which was pretty perfect the day of:

And the last week of the month, my mom and I flew to Cleveland Clinic in Ohio for a bunch of medical appointments. It was physically and mentally exhausting, but I think overall good (I’m posting this while in the airport going home, so I haven’t had time yet to process and sort through everything, lol).

This month I’m…

Reading: The Getaway List and Begin Again (reread), Emma Lord. Stranger by Night, Edward Hirsch. The Queen Bee and Me, Gillian McDunn. The Lost Library, Rebecca Stead and Wendy Mass (DNF). Above the Land, Julie Agoos. Check & Mate, Ali Hazelwood. Ever Ancient, Ever New, Winfield Bevins. The Girl at Midnight, Melissa Grey (DNF). The Bone Houses and Unspoken Magic, Emily Lloyd-Jones. The Phoenix Crown, Kate Quinn and Janie Chang. My Side of the River. Between You, Me, and The Honeybees, Amelia Diane Coombs. Untangle Your Emotions, Jennie Allen. Sisters of Night and Fog, Erika Robuck (reread). (16 total)

Listening to: My winter 24 playlist. Em Beihold. PureNRG (yes, this is quite the throwback, and I am loving every minute of it).

Watching: YouTube–Jordan Bauth; Glory, Finn, Jack; Frey Life transplant eval week. Movies–CODA (rewatch); Dirty Dancing.

Writing: I did my usual volunteer work with People Hope, the Diamonds Conference, and my church. I also worked on voice, songwriting, and music production stuff. And I worked on my novel This One Is True a little bit, and wrote cards and letters (below are some of the Valentines I sent this year!).

Grateful for: Creative and artistic friends. Driving through the mountains while the sun set. The nicest compliments from someone at my music studio. Making spring plans. Sophie’s paw freckles. Reading on my balcony. Hospital art.

What did you do in February?

From dust we came and to dust we shall return

TL;DR–it’s Ash Wednesday, I participated in the imposition of ashes for the first time, and it was an incredible experience of God

The last several years, I have become more and more interested in learning about liturgical worship. I grew up Baptist/evangelical, so liturgy wasn’t really a thing. My current church is very small, but our theology and the structure of our services likely mimic a Baptist church pretty closely; you won’t find any vestments or corporate readings in our “sanctuary” (which is a prefab building with a homemade wooden stage). So besides visiting my grandpa’s Methodist church here and there growing up, I have very little experience with liturgical services. Yet somehow, the last few years, I have felt drawn to the idea more and more–the idea of something that feels sacred and holy, that helps me worship, experience, and connect with God in a different way.

I’ve read books like Liturgy of the Ordinary: Sacred Practices in Everyday Life, and The Circle of Seasons: Meeting God in the Church Year. I have implemented liturgy and the lectionary into my personal life in small ways, like praying Lectio Divina or reading liturgies from books like Every Moment Holy: New Liturgies For Daily Life. I love nothing more than when my church has “chapel service” in our little white wedding chapel; the sloped wooden ceiling, long pews, and sunlight slanting through the windows have always seemed to me to create a sense of hushed reverence and holiness. I’m big on the idea that Christianity is an embodied faith, and as such, we should experience Christ through not only our head and heart but also with our senses–our whole life.

And recently, as I continued to think and read and pray about my pull toward liturgy, I discovered that someone had written a book about this very topic. Ever Ancient, Ever New: The Allure of Liturgy For A New Generation by Winfield Bevins talks about why young people are flocking to liturgical churches in America. I don’t agree with everything said in the book, but it provides a great overview of what exactly is drawing in this younger generation, and how and why you might choose to incorporate liturgy into your own life (through both corporate and personal worship). Bevins posits that young people are interested in liturgical churches because they want:

A holistic spirituality that engages their whole person with the gospelDepth and mysteryA historical rootedness that embraces the origins of their faith in the Christian liturgical traditionA countercultural faithA sacramental spirituality that offers a multi-sensory worship experienceSpiritual practices that provide an anchor for their faith

Bevins explained how liturgy sanctifies us as we participate in the story that it tells. Liturgy gives us structure and a community. As he spoke to millennials and Gen Z, he found that they’re tired of being entertained. They want to be fed. And they want to feel connected to the global and historical church. These are all things I relate to. (I remember hating youth group and youth events as a teen, and I think these are some of the reasons why.) Overall, the book was an interesting read, and it was nice to realize that I’m not alone in this thirst for something that I can only describe as sacred and holy.

So tonight, I took another step. I should preface the rest of this post by saying that I absolutely love my current church. I’ve been there for six years total this spring and I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Anytime I think about my church, my heart overflows with love. I love our services, I love our people, and I am growing there. Yet as my schedule and energy allow, I am also interested in seeking out additional corporate worship opportunities that follow a liturgical structure.

I tried to go to a Maundy Thursday service the last few years, but Thursday is my busy day and I didn’t make it. This year, I was determined to go to an Ash Wednesday service–something I’d never done before. (Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, and some denominations, such as Catholics, recognize this day by receiving ashes marked on their forehead as a sign of mortality and repentance.) I found a large Methodist church near me and attended their service by myself this evening.

Already, as I entered the church and saw the sign “Please enter the sanctuary in silence and meditate on the love of God,” I knew this was going to be exactly what I’d been craving. I sat and thought about the suffering Jesus went through, suffering greater than any human has ever known–not only the physical suffering, but crying out on the cross that God had forsaken Him. I thought about Jesus going into the wilderness and I wondered if He found grace there, like Israel in Jeremiah 31:2. I asked God to help me experience Him in a new way during this service. But I wasn’t prepared for how meaningful it would be.

The songs we sang in the service were full of so much rich theological truth that I wanted the choir to slow down, to give me time to parse through the beauty of each verse. Corporate reading of Scripture, “passing the peace,” a time for private prayers of confession–it was all new to me, but I eagerly soaked it in. I felt like I had come hungry and I was being fed–so much so that my cup overflowed.

Since this was an Ash Wednesday service, it of course included the imposition of ashes. Traditionally, the ashes are made by burning the palms from the previous year’s Palm Sunday. During the service, congregants quietly formed a line in front of the pastor, who took his finger and made a cross with the ashes on each person’s forehead, saying, “From dust you came and to dust you will return. Repent and believe in the gospel.”

After receiving my ashes, I returned to my seat in the pew and sat in the dim sanctuary, listening to the soft organ music and the refrain of the pastor repeating over and over to each person: “From dust you came and to dust you will return. Repent and believe in the gospel.” And, unexpectedly, I started to cry. I felt such a great awareness of my sin, of how small and human I am–and yet, of the greatness of God’s love (so much so that He would think to send me Italian ice on my birthday–which is a whole different story… see below). I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.

When the Ash Wednesday service was over, I found myself incredibly disappointed. I didn’t want it to end. The choir filed out of the sanctuary and the pastor snuffed out the candles. Then the congregants walked out in silence and went to our cars to go home. I felt sober and reflective as I drove home. Tears had filled my eyes many times during the service, not just once.

Learning about different types of liturgical worship over the last few years has deepened my faith and added a level of richness that it didn’t have before. I know I keep using the words sacred and holy, but that’s how these things feel–and that’s what I want. I want to be reminded of the greatness of God, to experience Him and meditate on Him with all of my senses, to participate in sacraments that serve as outward signs of an inward work of grace. All of those things happened tonight at the Ash Wednesday service I attended. It was just a hourlong service; there weren’t many people there. But I experienced God in a beautiful way that was unlike anything I ever have before.

As I walk past the mirror tonight and catch a glimpse of the ashes smudged on my forehead, I am reminded that I am a sinner in need of repentance and grace. I am mortal; I will die. But Jesus’ death and resurrection has triumphed over all of these things.

And now, we wait for Easter.