Hailey Hudson's Blog, page 10

“Take Care of Maya” – this is my story, too.

I watched Take Care Of Maya on Netflix tonight even though I knew I wasn’t in a great headspace for it. The last few weeks, my body has physically been barely functioning, and right now I’m also going through withdrawals because I had to temporarily stop one of my meds to prepare for a couple days of medical testing early next week. By the time I finished the documentary, my shirt was soaked with tears to the point that I worried my central line dressing had gotten wet (which somehow seems like an appropriate concern to have here). But, really, would there have been a good time for me to watch this?

If you haven’t seen the documentary, it follows a young girl named Maya who developed CRPS (chronic regional pain syndrome, also called the suicide disease because it is so painful). Maya’s mother was her daughter’s biggest advocate, trying to get her child proper treatment — but hospital social workers told the family that this was not CRPS at all, but a case of Munchausen’s by proxy (essentially, that Maya’s mother was telling Maya she was sick) and took Maya away from her parents into state custody. At ten years old, Maya was held in the hospital, alone and in pain, for months. And tragically, although Maya would eventually be released back to the custody of her family and get the treatment she needed, Maya’s mother committed suicide before this happened because she thought she would never see her daughter again.

On some level, Maya’s story is the story of me and of so many of my friends. So, so many of us young girls who got sick — we were tired, we were in pain, we couldn’t function like we did before, but it seemed like the only person who believed us was our mothers. And they would (will) do anything they had to do to get us help. I remember driving home from yet another unproductive doctor’s appointment many years ago and saying from the passenger seat in a tone of casual frustration, “What is wrong with me?” My mom responded levelly, “I don’t know. But we are going to figure it out.” Glancing over, I was struck by how her grip tightened on the steering wheel and how her lips pressed into a tight line. She looked dead serious. I was taken aback by how determined she seemed, but I had never felt more cared for.

Every single one of us who became sick as a young girl knows what it’s like to go with our mothers to endless doctors’ appointments, advocating for ourselves as best we know how yet still leaving unheard (or, worse, being flat out told we were faking it), and our bodies deteriorating more and more while we begged for someone to help us. It’s us and our mamas against the world. And I feel like so many of us escaped these kinds of extreme, horrifying situations like Maya’s and the Kowalski’s by a hairsbreadth.

Why is it so hard to believe women when they say something is wrong with their bodies? I could tell you so many personal stories of this. The doctor who brushed off my burning leg pain as me being “out of shape” (when I was in the best shape of my life). The doctor who told me it was okay I’d dropped 50 pounds in six months without trying, because my dad is skinny. The doctor who sent me home from the ER telling me my pain was “just constipation,” when I was telling him it wasn’t — and then an hour later, he was telling me to come back, because it turns out there was a different problem (it’s almost like that’s exactly what I told him in the first place?) that would likely take three abdominal surgeries to fix. These stories plus many others from my own life span from 20+ years ago up to last week — and the worst part is that compared to so many other stories I’ve heard (like Maya’s), I’ve had it easy.

Maybe the hardest part is how I want to help, but I feel like I can’t. I’ve experienced so much brokenness here firsthand, that I want to help and support and advocate for others going through the same things — but even though I do have some accurate and helpful diagnoses and treatments now, my own health is honestly worse than ever, and I’m too busy trying to navigate this broken system myself to find the energy to help others do it, too.

At the end of the documentary, Maya’s brother Kyle sobbed, “I pray every single night. It doesn’t help.” Will God bring justice for his elect? Will He delay long over them? We all just want to be taken care of. We all want to know that someone has our back, that someone is going to advocate for us and help us. My heart hurts for all of us who are consistently being failed, over and over again, by this broken medical system and by the people who have power over us and our bodies — power they can either use to help us, or abuse or neglect us. I don’t know what the answer is. I wish we didn’t have to advocate for ourselves so hard. I wish it wasn’t such a broken system and a broken world.

“You have to speak up for yourself now. Mommy isn’t there to do it for you.”

“I’m trying to be strong.”

Me too, Maya. Me too.

Have you watched Take Care of Maya? What were your thoughts? I would love to talk about this with anybody who has questions or who has also experienced similar things

May 2023 Monthly Wrap-Up

May was absolutely CRAZY. So many things happened this month; May was full to the brim. It feels like the month lasted a lifetime!! Most of the events were really happy and good–like the rest of Grace Anne and Michelle’s visit…

…Joshua and Josh’s high school graduation…

…and going to a Sabrina Carpenter concert with Ari.

Others were more stressful, like that same week including multiple medical emergencies (because my family can never have just one at a time) and ending in an unexpected small surgery for me.

Between all of those big events, I spent more sweet time with people; somehow worked here and there; and dug into producing my music, which is so exciting.

Oh, and I got my first tattoo!! (It represents how much I love my grandpa, + the magic and wonder of childhood that I don’t want to lose.)

Overall, joy has come easy this month.

This month I’m…

Reading: The Last Words We Said, Leah Scheier. The 89th Kitten, Eleanor Nilsson (reread). The Color Project, Sierra Abrams. Caddie Woodlawn, Carol Ryrie Brink (reread). Sarah on Her Own, Karen Mueller Coombs. The Adventures of Pippi Longstocking, Astrid Lindgren (reread). Where You See Yourself, Claire Forrest. Banana Ball, Jesse Cole. Jane of Lantern Hill, L.M. Montgomery. The Elephant’s Girl, Celesta Rimington. Cold the Night, Fast the Wolves, Meg Long (reread). 11 total.

Listening to: My May playlist. Sabrina Carpenter as concert prep. (How Bird of Prey by Emily James is not on this Receiptify, I truly believe must be a glitch.)

Watching: YouTube–Sailing Zatara. Movies–Bama Rush documentary (please watch this TikTok and cackle with me). TV shows–XO Kitty.

Writing: This month I did my usual volunteer work with People Hope and the Diamonds Conference, and wrote letters to friends. I also dug into prepping to produce my music–exciting things coming!! And I posted three YouTube videos: a Swiftie trivia quiz, a vlog of Joshua’s graduation (and the song I wrote for him), and a day in my life vlog.

Grateful for: A prank on my brother that still makes me cackle hysterically (sorry lol). Good cognitive function despite bad nights. A sermon my pastor sent me. Getting my entire family (including Grandpa!) on BeReal. Tulips. Being way far ahead on work. A friend immediately putting an important-to-me date on his calendar. Friends who enter into messy daily life with you. Uber drivers who make for good stories later. Simply enjoying a cute TV show. CREATING WITH PEOPLE–all I ever want to do forever and ever amen. Psalm 145 and the greatness and sovereignty of God. Italian Ice szn is BACK BABY! Woman-owned businesses. Energizing business coaching sessions (I’m the coach-ee, not the coach).

What did you do in May? I’m happy that summer is here.

So which novel are you working on right now? (or, my current identity crisis)

I’m having an existential crisis about fiction. Pull up a chair and let me tell you about it.

I didn’t write for a couple of years recently, from approximately fall 2019-fall 2021. I couldn’t. I was malnourished, dehydrated, just really really sick, and many days I struggled to find the cognitive function to simply write a short work email. When I got my feeding tube in summer 2021, suddenly my brain started working again (crazy how nutrition will do that for ya) and I had the most glorious time plowing through finishing Things We’ve Lost (see below, two pictures I love–when I went on a solo author research day trip to my favorite place in the world to get a few final details, and when I sent the manuscript to my beta readers the week of Thanksgiving).

Next, from approximately January to May 2022, I wrote The Art of Staying. I haven’t touched it since finishing that first draft (a full year ago now), but I do think about it a lot. I have fond memories of drafting it, and since this was the first novel I’ve ever truly plotted out (thank you, Save the Cat), I’m curious (and hopeful) to see how strong the structure is when I do go back and edit it.

But that’s when things started to get dicey. I developed yet another chronic condition in May 2022 (or at least, that’s when the symptoms first became noticeable). It impacted my already severe chronic fatigue like never before, and once again, my brain was struggling to function. I doggedly pushed my way through Things We’ve Lost edits last summer and then started querying it (I sent the first query, in September 2022, literally from a bed in the ER, which I feel like is so on brand).

I got a strong official start on my middle grade novel Butterfly Island in September (which I’d initially caught the spark for back in February), but only got about 20,000 words in before, by early November or so, I was really struggling to continue.

From January to March I let myself have a little fun and start playing with a YA contemporary called This One Is True. While I enjoyed and liked the ~15,000 words I wrote, I found that I was usually only able to work on it once a week, which just wasn’t often enough for me to keep up my momentum. I used to write fiction in the evening hours–anywhere between 4-8 PM, several days a week–but my brain and body just can’t do that right now. The condition I developed a year ago is better controlled than it used to be, but treatment isn’t fully working, and it still impacts me a lot (unpredictably so) every day.

I also got kind of disillusioned with querying Things We’ve Lost. I sent out approximately 30 queries from September to December and received approximately 15 responses–all rejections. Rejections are fine; rejections are expected. The problem is that I know my query letter is absolutely watertight. It’s a good query letter. I’m a good writer with impressive experience. But if my query letter isn’t the issue… that means the story is (and a couple of agents said as much). I think it moves too slowly and isn’t exciting enough; it’s too “quiet.” And frankly, I’m not going to go back into Things We’ve Lost and cut it up and make major changes. I know myself, and I know that I’m just not. I don’t want to. I’ve done many rounds of edits on this book (and I HATE editing–I’ll do anything to avoid editing something I’ve written), and as much as I would love to see it published, I also want to move on and write new stories. I will always love Things We’ve Lost with my whole heart and I hope it will be in your hands one day, but it just doesn’t feel like the right season or the right time to go back to it right now.

So now I find myself writing “novel” (notice that the title of said novel is unspecified) on my to-do list every weekend, but not working on any of my fiction, and then feeling guilty about it all week. And so the problem that I’m left with is the question: Am I writing fiction right now? If so, what am I writing? If not, is that okay?

I’m so much happier when I’m writing fiction. Truly, sitting under my double windows with a good WIP playlist and my fairy lights and the scented candle I chose specifically for that novel, making up stories–there is nowhere else I’d rather be. It makes me the happiest person in the world. Well, except for when it doesn’t–like when it just makes my body and brain feel physically worse, and it’s like pulling teeth to drag coherent sentences onto the page, and when I read what I’ve written I’m sent into this spiral of oh, I can’t write fiction anymore (I can, I’m just so very tired and sick)…

So I’m also trying to get it into my apparently thick skull that it is indeed okay if I am unable to write fiction for a while, or if I choose to focus on other things. I’m still being creative in multiple ways every day. I wrote ten pieces for Escapril and I’m proud of them all. I’m getting dates on the calendar to start learning about how to record my music. I want to spend every spare moment collaging envelopes. I’m enjoying making YouTube videos. Of course I’m constantly consuming story and art, listening to music and reading books (although sadly, I haven’t been able to watch a single movie yet this year). And I also run a business (which is 100% focused on writing) and have a social life and, of course, live with chronic illness–and I only have so much capacity, physically, mentally, creatively.

And, too, I know I’ll come back. Of course I’ll be back. Truly, I can’t stay away (just yesterday I was looking for something else and discovered a random voice memo on my phone with an idea for a novel that made me want to drop everything and write it right then. Who knows, maybe I’ll start it this weekend and become obsessed with it and this entire post will be moot. Just reading the Butterfly Island summary when I linked that post up top a minute ago made me squeal out loud). Even though I’ve always been a writer and novelist, I’ve gone through many periods in my life where I didn’t write for a couple of weeks, months, or even years. But then I always came back.

Not writing fiction for a while (even for a long while) doesn’t mean I’m not a fiction writer. It just means I’m trying my best to be faithful with all of the obligations, priorities, constraints, and desires that make up my life–and there are a lot of them. And whenever I do start drafting or editing a novel again, I’ll be a stronger writer because of the creative cross-training I’ve done and the life experiences I’ve lived. As Nadine Brandes and Sara Ella said in one of their webinars once, writing is so much more than putting words on a page. Your writing toolbox comes from living life.

So obviously, it’s “okay” to not write fiction for a while. Honestly, those questions I listed above sounded kind of ridiculous once I typed them out. I guess I’m just being your typical enneagram 3 who can’t seem to separate their worth/sense of self from what they do/accomplish/produce, and I needed to process it somewhere other than my journal (because typing goes much faster than writing by hand). And if you’re a fellow artist or creative, maybe you got something out of this, too.

I think a lot of us who have a half dozen creative passions go through this realization as we reach adulthood–that, suddenly, there are many more demands on our time and energy than there used to be, and maybe the days of constant content creation for ourselves are over. It’s a natural shift, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. Wouldn’t it be a great world if we didn’t have to have corporate jobs, or remember to update our renter’s insurance, or make that Amazon return–we could just lounge around all day every day watching fan edits of our favorite fictional love interests (because that 1000% counts as writing)? But unfortunately, we now have adult lives to live. I believe it’s possible to sustain a creative career and/or have creative hobbies at the same time. You just can’t do all of the creative things at once. Life comes in seasons and knowing what season you’re living right now is an important kind of discernment to have.

So, there you go. In a very rambling and roundabout way, that’s what I’ve been feeling and that’s what I’m trying to tell myself about it. It’s okay if, for whatever reason, I am not able to (or even–gasp–if I choose not to) work on fiction for a while. I’m still a novelist. I’m still me. And my stories will be waiting for me whenever I come back.

“So what if it takes you five years to finish your current novel? Be willing to wait the wait. Publishing will always be there. Unless you’re on deadline, time is not the enemy in writing.” – Nadine and Sara

So that’s my current identity crisis hahaha, thanks for listening! Have you ever struggled with something similar as a creative? How have you dealt with it?

April 2023 Monthly Wrap-Up

I’m aware that I sound like a broken record because I say this every year, but there is truly nothing like April in Georgia. Everything is so GREEN!

Like most months lately, this one had a lot of ups and downs for me (starting with a frustrating ER visit on the first day of the month and ending with the absolute dreamiest friend afternoon on the last day, which illustrates the range pretty well). I spent a lot of the month in bed pretty sick and in a lot of pain. I also enjoyed shopping (lol), doing Escapril, and unexpected time with a few different groups of old friends.

This month I’m…

Reading: Make It Happen, Lara Casey. The Lonely Heart of Maybelle Lane, Kate O’Shaughnessy. The Trouble With Good Ideas, Amanda Panitch. Monstrous Devices and The Shadow Arts, Damien Love. Good For A Girl, Lauren Fleshman. From Dust A Flame, Rebecca Podos. The Circus of Stolen Dreams (DNF), Lorelei Savaryn. Full Flight (reread) and Amelia Unabridged, Ashley Schumacher. You Could Make This Place Beautiful, Maggie Smith. 11 total (mostly just books related to golems because I am OBSESSED lol).

Listening to: March/April playlist. Morning Coffee playlist. Thailand Hotel radio.

Watching: YouTube–Jordan Bauth, Madison Strong. TV shows–Gossip Girl season one.

Writing: I wrote 10 total pieces for Escapril (eight prose pieces and two songs), and I was really happy with both the quantity and quality. I wrote songs, volunteered with the Diamonds Conference, and volunteered with People Hope (see below). I made one vlog and one sit-down YouTube video. And I also did Jenni Gritters’ ADAPT, a non-traditional business coaching program for creative entrepreneurs with constraints; it included weekly group coaching calls, an accountability partner, and worksheets/homework.

Buying (get more details by watching my April haul YouTube video): Silver rings. A ceramic mushroom fairy house. Stationery items. A new “road work” bumper sticker. Clothes. A new comforter. A collage book. Perfume. A screen door.

Grateful for: My little sister friend. Having lots of words and ideas floating around. My cute photos on my lights. Windows down weather. Being able to be there for friends, and friends being there for me. My mom coming over just to change my sheets. Baby time. Being spontaneous. Planning concert outfits.

What was April like for you? What are you looking forward to in May? Let me know in the comments!

March 2023 Monthly Wrap-Up

March was full of lots of ups and downs. Highs and lows. Good and bad. And… I don’t really know what else to say about this month. I feel like that kind of sums it up. Basically I’m getting constant whiplash from all the back and forth. Here’s a massive photo dump of it all…

This month I’m…

Reading: The Edge of Summer, Erica George. Roller Skates, Ruth Sawyer. Missing May, Cynthia Rylant. The Unexpected Everything, Morgan Matson (reread). The Wheel on the School, Meindert DeJong (reread). Twenty and Ten, Claire Hutchet Bishop (reread). The Mouse and the Motorcycle, Beverly Cleary (reread). Becoming Free Indeed, Jinger Vuolo. Somewhere There Is Still A Sun, Michael Gruenbaum. Great or Nothing, multiple authors. Into the Forest, Rebecca Frankel. Between Two Skies, Joanne O’Sullivan. A Rover’s Story, Jasmine Warga. 13 total.

Listening to: Miami playlist. March/April playlist. WIP: TOIT playlist (my current novel). And in general: The 1975, Gracie Abrams, Chelsea Cutler, Lily Williams, Brooke Butler.

Watching: YouTube–Madison Strong, Finn Whitaker, Jordan Bauth, The Frey Life. Movies–My Octopus Teacher (documentary). TV shows–Shadow & Bone season two.

Writing: Outside of work (where I somehow made a ton of money), this month I did my usual volunteering with People Hope and the Diamonds Conference, as well as writing songs and working on my current novel, This One Is True (although it’s sadly pretty slow going). I also did another paid feeding tube study; did a PR interview with my music studio; and filmed a week in my life vlog, which you can find here on my YouTube channel if you want to watch. I wrote secret blog stuff and got a jump start on Escapril, too.

Grateful for: Faraway friends sending me flower deliveries. Voice lessons that double as therapy. Spring in the valley. Finally getting a much needed delayed prescription. A client randomly raising my rate because they like my work. My CPA saying how much she’s seen my business grow. LinkedIn recommendations. The feeling of bare feet in the sun. Fresh sheets. Being able to put things into words. Trying something new. Windows down weather. Free wine. Successfully getting concert tickets.

What did you do in March? I find that I’m always very happy to see April come around!

February 2023 Monthly Wrap-Up

For a short month, I crammed a LOT into February! This month I:

Got a new central lineHad a great birthday weekend (including Grace Anne coming to visit for a couple of days, performing original music for the first time ever, and getting drinks with some girlfriends)Got paid to participate in a feeding tube study in AtlantaHelped with a funeralRepresented the Diamonds Conference at a pro-life eventGot another ear piercingWent through a second round of auditions to sing the national anthem at a sporting event

All that, plus the usual work, church, and music lessons; writing more fiction words than I’ve written in a long time; and of course LOTS of naps. There were some major ups and downs, and I genuinely don’t know how I did it all. The month ended really badly, but my friends are keeping me afloat.

This month I’m…

Reading: Following: Embodied Discipleship in a Digital Age, Jason Byassee and Andria Irwin. All The Right Reasons, Bethany Mangle (DNF). Hope When It Hurts, Kristen Wetherell and Sarah Walton. Summer Bird Blue and Starfish, Akemi Dawn Bowman (rereads). Live the Impossible, Jenny Smith. Unspeakable: Surviving My Childhood and Finding My Voice, Jessica Willis Fisher. This Rebel Heart, Katherine Locke. Cultivate: A Grace-Filled Guide to Growing an Intentional Life, Lara Casey. Briar Rose, Jane Yolen. The Twenty-One Balloons, William Pene du Bois (reread). The Family Under the Bridge, Natalie Savage Carlson (reread). Begin Again, Emma Lord. 13 total.

Listening to: My February playlist. Jessica Willis Fisher. Emily James (especially Happy For Me). Ride the Cyclone (especially The Ballad of Jane Doe). The Wrecks.

Watching: YouTube–Sailing Zatara. TV shows–Outer Banks season 3 (JIARA. IS. ENDGAME. I’ve been saying it for years and now it’s finally officially canon. ASK ME HOW I FEEL. We frickin’ won, y’all. WE WON SO GOOD!!!).

Writing: I wrote several thousand words of my new YA contemporary This One Is True, along with doing some more formal plotting, and loved every minute! I also wrote some really good (if I do say so myself) fanfiction this month. And as usual, I wrote songs (mostly prepping for my first time performing original stuff); wrote letters; and volunteered with People Hope and the Diamonds Conference.

Grateful for: The generosity and kindness of newer friends. My voice teacher getting excited with me. TOIT running wild in my head. Laughing hysterically with my family. Making an agenda with a friend. Reconnecting with old clients for new work. The two-month-old Golden being carried on a walk, complete with a Valentine’s bandana. Playing guitar on my balcony. A rare opportunity for more hands-on ministry. Kitty cat paws. Eating ice cream. Friends who immediately drop everything when I need them.

What did you do in February? If you have watched Outer Banks please come scream with me about the Jiara slow burn best-friends-to-lovers perfection (/complain with me about Big John and about the lack of group Pogue scenes).

January 2023 Monthly Wrap-Up

For a week or two there, I thought I wasn’t going to do anything in January besides run IV antibiotics and watch Teen Wolf. Then everything exploded and things got really busy in every aspect of life. I slept probably over half the time and pushed through work or appointments in between (so much of both of those, lol). I did rally enough to sing the national anthem at a hockey game with my music studio, which was SUCH a fun night. And Andrea had her baby!!!

This month I’m…

Reading: A Duet For Home, Karina Yan Glaser. The Boy Who Steals Houses, C.G. Drews (reread). With and Without You, Emily Wibberley and Austin Siegemund-Broka. Peter Nimble and His Fantastic Eyes, Jonathan Auxier (DNF). Zoya’s Story, Zoya and John Follain. Exactly Where You Need to Be and Between You, Me, and the Honeybees, Amelia Diane Coombs. Always Jane, Jenn Bennett (reread). A Pinch of Magic, Michelle Harrison. The Girl Who Fell From The Sky, Emma Carey. The Year of Less, Cait Flanders. Finding Her Edge, Jennifer Iacopelli. Running, Natalia Sylvester. Sick Kids in Love, Hannah Moskowitz (reread). 14 total.

Listening to: The Vamps. Gracie Abrams’ album This Is What It Feels Like. Wild Rivers. The Women & Work: Stepping Into Kingdom Productivity podcast.

Watching: YouTube–Shelby Church, Jordan Bauth, The Frey Life, Madison Strong, Vogue’s Beauty Secrets, Sailing Zatara. TV shows–Teen Wolf (season one), Harry & Meghan.

Writing: This One Is True started writing itself in my head, but sadly, I didn’t have much energy to actually sit down and work on it. With songwriting I’ve been focusing 100% on prepping for a show next month where I’ll be performing original songs for the first time. The Diamonds Conference happened, and I volunteered with People Hope as usual, too (and started making Valentines for friends). And work-wise, I somehow had my highest-income month, like, ever even though I literally probably slept for over half of the month.

Grateful for: A care package from families at my church. My voice teacher coming into my practice room just to tell me I’d sounded good when she overheard me the week before. Canceled meetings. Having the energy to take a shower. DoorDash. Schumann. Fridays. A neighbor checking up on me. Baguettes. A friend wanting to ride together all the time so we’ll have extra time to catch up. Being able to access my Netflix for the first time in ten months. Seizure-free days.

What did you do in January? Hit reply or leave a comment and let me know!

What Makes Us Feel Loved? (informal survey results)

This weekend I put up some slides on my Instagram Stories asking single people, married people (with or without kids), chronically ill people, and anyone else who wanted to respond what made them feel the most loved. I was curious to know:

What did they need from their friends?What made them feel loved?What did they wish people would ask them or not ask them?What did they wish people would do more of or less of for them?What was the last thing someone did for them or said to them that really touched them and meant a lot?

It was interesting to read the answers. There were many that I expected and related to, but a few that surprised me, too. I was trying to figure out how to store and save the answers and I decided to share them anonymously here on my blog so I can refer back to them–and so you can read them, too. Here’s to all of us loving each other better in 2023!

Single peopleI need support, listening, and understanding.Mostly just an open ear. I can spend time with myself, but sometimes I need to talk.I need people to show up and not only show interest in you as a potential for someone else. Also, we’re not just babysitters. We like to spend time with grownups, too.I wish more people know that I’m waiting on God’s timing for me to start dating.Not me being the only one who initiates conversations with me.I wish people would quit assuming I have extra time just because I’m not married.I feel loved when I get a “just because” text, letter, or visit.Invitations to social events!I want to be invited into people’s lives, even if their lives are different than mine. I want to dine with families and third wheel and babysit friends’ kids and be set up. All of it.I wish people would stop saying “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”I love when people make an effort to remember things I’ve told them/about my sensory needs.Married peopleI like being asked about my marriage! I like talking about my husband.I also love when people praise my husband in front of me (or vice versa).I don’t think it’s useful to hold all couples to one standard or timeline (example, when having kids).Dates with friends with AND without spouses!Stop asking when we’re going to have kids/start our family. We already are a family, and if/when we have kids is none of your business.I wish people would stop asking when we’re going to have kids. Like, we can’t right now. Just stop.Chronically ill peopleDo low key things. Watch a show. Send memes.The understanding that I will need to cancel things last minute.Ask about my symptoms to better understand me/what I need.Ask questions!People to be present.Less opinions and more listening when I’m thinking through something or need to vent.Any stage of lifePeople bringing or making me food.I feel loved when people tell me the truth about themselves and how they’re doing.I feel loved when people remember specific details about my life and check in.Friends being intentional. A random text is the best.I love snail mail/notes/letters!Friends stopped to pray with me this morning and one had tissues in her purse for whoever needed them.Honestly, I love it when my friends trust me to help them and expose their need to me.

Do you relate to any of the sentiments expressed here? What makes you feel loved? What do you need from your friends?

Books I Read in 2022 (and movies watched!)

It’s my favorite time of year–time to take stock of all the books I read in 2022! This year I read 157 books (which is a pretty average number, I’d say). That comes out to an average of about 13 books per month and three per week.

2017 – 135 books2018 – 153 books2019 – 154 books2020 – 174 books2021 – 190 books2022 – 157 books

I don’t ever set reading goals for myself; I just read. I love reading and I don’t want it to ever be something that I feel obligated to do. So each of these numbers is simply where I naturally landed.

Predictions: I think I read a ton of middle-grade this year. Other than that, I’m not sure. Maybe more contemporary than fantasy or historical? I think genre-wise, things were probably pretty well distributed. And I think I read a lot more new books than rereads and, of course, way more fiction than nonfiction.

With that said, here’s how the numbers stack up! In 2022 I read 124 new books, and the other 33 were rereads (I didn’t expect my number of rereads to be quite *that* low).

As usual, I read much more fiction (119) than nonfiction (38).

Out of the fiction books I read, it turns out YA and MG books were neck-and-neck.

And genre-wise, as I expected, the books I read ended up very well distributed. (I swear I don’t plan this.)

I read the most books in January (18–super sick and weak) and the least in November (8–post-Covid brain). The first book I read in 2022 was a reread of Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare (I had the most GLORIOUS Shadowhunters reread over that Christmas break); the last book was Tennis Shoes by Noel Streatfeild, which I got for Christmas and read slowly over the course of the next week in the hospital (lol).

I remember some lovely screen-free Saturdays this year blasting through books like The Girl of Ink and Stars or Cold the Night, Fast the Wolves that rekindled my imagination in new and needed ways. In the summertime I enjoyed reading and rereading Brigid Kemmerer’s fantasy books. The Morrigan Crow series was also new to me this fall, and was SO, so good! Discovering the Bookwanderers series by Anna James in December was pure magic (especially because I feel like I read a lot of standalone books this year and not many series). A few other books that stand out in my head as being top reads from 2022 are All My Rage, Family of Liars, Wolf by Wolf, and Breathe and Count Back From Ten. For some reason I read a lot of AMAZING books during the month of May.

This year I read books on planes, in the hospital, at the beach, and so many other places, and in return they took me all over the world through time and space. I also went to a book club for the first time ever this year–but ended up just sitting there while everyone else ate food I couldn’t have and talked about anything but the book (I did not go back, lol). And I had some lovely trips to a used bookstore in the mountains and my library’s booksale. (I didn’t track how many books I bought or was given this year, but it was… A Lot. Sometimes at night I think I can hear my bookshelves groaning.)

So that’s a brief summary of the books I read in 2022! I feel like I didn’t read very much, but all in all I’d say it was a good reading year and I discovered some absolutely fantastic books. Before I wrap up this post I also wanted to throw in a graph of the movies I watched. I watched 31 movies in 2022 (I think).

I don’t really watch TV shows, but this year I did watch:

The Queen’s Gambit, which was good Inventing Anna A couple episodes of Fate: The Winx Saga before my Netflix quit working (this was in April and I haven’t been able to get it to work since which is very sad, I have to be able to access OBX and S&B in 2023!!)Boy Meets World here and there, because of courseThe Summer I Turned Pretty (IT HAS BEEN OVER SIX MONTHS AND I AM STILL OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW in this house we stan the Jenny Han cinematic universe) (#teamconrad)

Here’s to more reading (and movie watching–but mostly reading) in 2023!

How many books did you read in 2022? What were some of your favorites? Have you read any of the ones I mentioned here? What genres do you gravitate toward?

2022: My Year

When I think of January, I think of driving back and forth to a little mountain town 30 minutes away, wearing my new red Gilmore Girls sweatshirt and little gold jewelry, listening to Abigail Barlow. And of course, I was in and out of the hospital that entire month in a succession of tube changes and ER visits and complications that just kept getting worse like a line of dominoes falling; I remember projectile vomiting in the car and feeling like I was dying, struggling to breathe and my jaw being out of place for weeks. “Love is not something that can be wasted.” “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

In February I spent half the month in Mississippi. That trip was the first time I’d ever flown by myself and it was the best; it felt so good to feel like I was a part of the world. My birthday was shopping with my aunt and the next day was the sweetest time with Brooke and my grandpa–two of my very favorite people. I left with so many precious memories transcribed into my journal. “We always wanted a girl. Your mother was the joy of our life.”

March, I dressed up and went downtown by myself and heard Maisie Peters live in concert and it was one of the absolute best nights ever. The next day I did 15 minutes of marketing and was immediately overwhelmed with work (I hired a VA again which has proved invaluable ever since). My health went downhill and my to-do list kept getting busier.

In April I think I cried in every hospital in the metro Atlanta area. That’s probably an exaggeration, but it felt like it, anyway. In between all of the medical mess, there were sweet times with my church family and days spent hammocking with Kenna and getting settled into the music studio where I’d started taking weekly voice and songwriting lessons in March.

For some reason, I don’t remember much about May; off the top of my head, there’s no one big event that stands out in my mind. I began driving back and forth to a hospital 30 minutes away to get infusions a couple of times a week, which I did for the remainder of the summer, and I got really into making Reels for the Diamonds Conference Instagram account. I don’t know why those are the primary things I remember from that month, but there you go. “Slow down, you’re doing fine, you can’t be everything you want to be before your time.”

Some of the sweetest moments of my life have happened in Mississippi in June. This year was no exception. My extended family gathered for my grandpa’s 90th birthday and I was blown away all over again at how much I love him and them. Back home, I was in my The Summer I Turned Pretty era (gahhh the best the best the best) and Grace Anne came to spend the weekend. “Just adjust the sails.”

On the Fourth of July my family was sick so I went to Andrea’s. Out in the gravel driveway before I left, the summer twilight thick and heady around us, she told me she was pregnant and the whole way home I smiled so big my cheeks hurt. I worked a lot in July–probably too much, probably too much this whole summer, this whole year–and saw Mean Girls at the Fox. The last week of the month I spent in the ER and in the hospital, and while no admission is ever good, that entire weeklong experience was honestly really traumatic in multiple ways. We decided we were burning my lucky medical socks.

I spent the entire month of August waiting around for my port surgery to be scheduled. I was antsy, unsure if I’d made the right decision. While I waited I went to a cat show and got caught in summer storms. The surgery finally happened at the end of the month. “No, you can’t have it all. But look at all you can have.” “I lack no good thing.”

In September I cried in more hospitals and did more work. I then took a week off work and it was absolutely glorious. After a staycation relaxing and catching up with friends, I went on a solo writing retreat in north Georgia, where I watched movies in my Airbnb and scribbled words at a mountain coffee shop and listened to music in my car with the windows down. I wish I could live in that weekend forever.

October was writing songs like crazy (with 26 by Carol Ades on repeat), the leaves the most beautiful fall colors I’ve ever seen. I had Covid for the first time and it was not pretty. Later in the month I was able to go with my family to Gulf Shores, which was a short but really special trip. I also went through the whole stupid dating rigamarole that I generally do around this time of year (PSA to 2023 me: It’s not worth it, you always go on a few dates and then end up at the same conclusion). “What is the opportunity in this obstacle?” “Goldenrod in bloom, as expected.”

In November, emotions about chronic illness hit me hard. My first grand mal seizure in a year and a half took away my driving license and, once again, threw everything I thought I’d figured out about my body out the window. I spent a lot of time with Annabelle, which was really really nice.

December was full of medical stuff, work, and spending time with people. The first few weeks were overall good… and then, as so often happens, medical emergencies took over my life and I ended up in the hospital for five days. It was really, really bad.

I wrote the first part of this post (everything you just read) off the top of my head on Thanksgiving Day, without looking back through any photos or at any of my monthly wrap-up blog posts until I’d finished drafting it. It’s interesting to me to see what truly sticks in my brain. What turns out to be most important when all is said and done.

This year I committed to prioritizing people over projects, and although I probably didn’t always do the best job, again and again the Lord has been showing me: “Life really is all about people, isn’t it?” I feel like I’m just now figuring out something everyone else already knew (#introvert)–the huge importance of the people and relationships in our lives. I mentioned this to my counselor at one point during the summer and she said, “Absolutely. Knowing, loving, and being known and loved by other people is the greatest privilege we have on this earth.” As @catchingbreaths recently said, “I used to think that WHAT we do for a living is what makes us happy… But now, more and more so, I realize that it’s not what we do in life that matters but who we do it with.” And as I’ve tried to prioritize people this year, it’s become evident to me what precious and treasured relationships I have in my life. I’m so thankful for my family, friends, and community.

Like with any year, this year held both good and bad–successes and failures, happiness and tears. The highlight reel: This year I wrote one-and-a-half novels (and edited + queried another). I read 157 books. I went to three concerts (two by myself, highly recommend). I took five trips (four of them fully or partially by myself, including a writing conference and a solo writing retreat–also highly recommend). I made new friends. I went to a wedding. I found a new home at my music studio and did so much good work there (landing at my music studio in March was the best thing to happen to me this year). I worked with around 40 clients, and my yearly income was higher than it’s ever been ($90k holla). I got interested in style and fashion (and bought way too many clothes haha). There was laughter with friends and joy in creating and moments that took my breath away at the sheer beauty of life.

But there’s also the part the Internet doesn’t always see. This year I was in the ER several times (six, to be exact). I was admitted to the hospital several times (three, to be exact). I had surgery to get a port and began using it every day (well, until I had that same port taken out just before the new year). I went to a funeral. I was diagnosed with multiple new chronic illnesses. I cried alone in my bedroom at night because, despite my rich community, I was lonely. I spent probably well over half of the year in bed. I cried in a bunch of hospitals. I pushed myself too hard and felt stressed about work. People who I looked up to and whose friendships I valued did and said hurtful things I still don’t understand. The good and bad are all part of life.

I don’t always set yearly goals, but in 2022, I did. Some weren’t necessarily goals so much as simply fun things I wanted to do. For the most part, I accomplished them all:

Write two novels. Technically, I only wrote one new novel this year ( The Art of Staying ). But I also got Things We’ve Lost ready to query, which took a lot of work, and outlined + started drafting Butterfly Island. So I’d say it was a pretty successful fiction year.Go to Mississippi. I had a wonderful two-week trip in February to visit my grandpa, aunt, and uncle, and I also spent some extra time there in June before my grandpa’s big 90th birthday party (which was just the absolute sweetest).Go to a writing conference. I took a solo road trip and went to a writing conference in north Georgia in April, but honestly it wasn’t the best weekend. My body was really struggling and I was having a lot of Emotions about chronic illness, so I feel like I wasn’t really focused on the conference–but I did attend some good seminars and make some new friends.Go on a north Georgia writing retreat by myself. I did this in September and it was the ABSOLUTE. MOST. GLORIOUS. WEEKEND of my life. If you’ve been looking for a sign to do something similar… this is it.Spend more time at the house and more time with Joshua. I’m not sure I did the best job of this, unfortunately. Joshua will be moving away to college next year (!) and I want to spend more time with him before then.Take care of my body. This isn’t really a quantifiable goal, and I probably did a better job some days than others. But overall, I’m proud of how I manage my medical care and keep things going when my body makes it really freaking hard.Prioritize church. This is also not necessarily quantifiable, but I think I succeeded! I love my church and my church family with all my heart. Truly, words can’t describe it.Get good at guitar (and write more songs). I’ve played my guitar very infrequently this year–but when I set this goal, I didn’t know I’d end up starting songwriting lessons in March! I’ve written a lot of songs in 2022 that I’m really proud of. I have come so far as a musician this year and I’ll be performing some original songs for the first time in about six weeks!! Ask me for details if you’re local…Focus on people and moments in addition to projects and tasks. Like I mentioned earlier, I think I did a good job here. I’m a very project-oriented person and focusing on people doesn’t always come naturally to me, but being intentional about this has made a huge shift in my life this year.Take myself somewhere new once a month. Yeah… this is a nice idea, but it did not happen at ALL.Go to the ASO. I wanted to make it to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra this year (I haven’t been in several years), but I did not.See the Mean Girls and Anastasia tours. Check! I saw Mean Girls at the Fox in July with my mom, and Anastasia in December with my dad. They were both so, so good!Save at least $12,000 toward a house. I did this! I set up a high-yield savings account separate from my personal savings account and added a minimum of $1,000 every month.Combine learning and screen time rest via podcasts. I’m not really sure where this goal came from? I don’t listen to podcasts that much. I did enjoy The Heart & Hustle podcast and The Manuscript Academy podcast on and off this year, but that’s about it.

At the bottom of my goal setting page in my 2022 planner, I added the following (c/o Grace Anne for the last line):

Outside of my usual medical/care for my body, work, and church/personal spirituality, my main focuses for 2022 are fiction, family, and going new places (and music). Success doesn’t always = doing. There is always more time than you think there is.

All in all, 2022 was quite a year. Here are some final highlights from the daily gratitude journal (looking at this makes me so happy and thankful for the beautiful parts of my life):

Goals for 2023:

Get a retirement fund set up. One of those boring adult things that needs to happen.Upgrade my business. I’ve been a sole proprietor for long enough–it’s time to move on to an S-corp or become incorporated or something like that. Still researching what the best option is here.Finish BI, draft TOIT, and continue querying TWL. When it comes to fiction, in 2023 I hope to finish a first draft of Butterfly Island, write a first draft of This One Is True (or possibly edit The Art of Staying instead), and continue querying Things We’ve Lost.SAVE MONEY (for a house). By this time next year, depending on how the market looks and how my life is going, I might be seriously house hunting! Which means I need to be seriously saving money.Get a single on Spotify? Or at least some on YouTube?? I’m still figuring out what this will look like, but I want to get some of my original music out there in 2023, and recording at my leisure is easier on my health than performing live.Do the CHOP protocol. This is a gentle, gradual exercise program designed for people with my health conditions; I’ve been needing to start it for years, but just haven’t been able to because of the severity of my symptoms.Get new headshots done. Something else that I meant to do this year, but it just never happened.Fun stuff: Noah Kahan concert, Sabrina Carpenter concert, Maryland wedding, Joshua senior trip and graduation, see Wicked at the Fox. I’m really looking forward to all of these things! (And I also need to leave space for spontaneity instead of planning out the entire year before it even starts, geez.)Have a prayer time every day. I pray a lot, but it’s typically a distracted, half-aware background conversation as I’m going about my day. I’m going to start setting a timer and sitting down to fully focus on listening and talking to God.

My biggest priorities are writing fiction and CHOP, but these two things keep getting derailed by health stuff. Next year I also want to get better at taking videos in addition to photos–just little clips of daily life to have on hand. And I may set some kind of goal for less stimulation, like zero Internet or social media after 7 PM and/or on Sundays. I’m not sure–I was going to sit down during the last week of the year and think more about goals/plans/dreams, but I ended up in the hospital that entire week, so. 2023 is not off to a good start for me, but I know there will be good and beautiful things coming my way this year!

What did 2022 hold for you–both good and bad? I’d love to hear about it! Drop some highlights from your year in the comments.