David Hadley's Blog, page 58

Tree Stump Impersonation Through the Ages

Panfried Wombatdangler first came to fame as the UK’s best-known female celebrity tree-stump impersonator. As we all know, tree-stump impersonation does have a long history in the entertainment industry. No-one knows exactly when tree-stump impersonation began. However, there are records in the Domesday Book of certain Anglo-Saxon baronial halls having not only full-time jesters, jugglers, musicians and other entertainers, but several halls also had tree-stump impersonators.

Of course, back i...

The Day Without a Morning

It would be another day, or at least that was what she believed. The mornings always surprised her, coming out of her dreams and dragging her back into this familiar world.

Or, that was what Helen thought.

This was not the morning, though. Her phone chirped its usual morning song. Helen hated the way it sounded so smug and cheerful at such an unearthly hour. This morning, as usual, she swiped at it with unwieldy fingers to get the damn thing to snooze. She vowed as she did every morning to ch...

New on Readwave: A Sexual Peccadillo

As most people know the great crested peccadillo was a large flightless bird (only slightly smaller than the average Welsh canteen manageress), which lived on the island of Feebletrouzers in the Southern Pacific. Unfortunately, the 16th Century sailors who discovered the island of Feebletrouzers eventually hunted the great crested peccadillo to extinction. This was mainly because of the peccadillo’s method of evading predators, which was to engage in an elaborate mime where it pretended to be...

Stepping off the Path

Stepping off the Path

I lost my way. I stepped right off the path
And stumbled down, so deep into the dark,
Into that forest where I’ve seen the creatures
You’ve heard all crying in the heart of night

And tearing fear out from the darkness hiding
So much of this our possible bright world
Behind impenetrable blankets of dark.
A mystery that twists the possible

Around in darkness as we wait for dawn
To come and take us by the hand, away
From these dark forests where too much goes on
We cannot e...

The Hollywood Kick-Ass Heroine

Hedgetrimmer Goatsanctum is probably the Hollywood actress best known for her kick-ass roles these days. She was, of course, the star of the phenomenal box office hit film franchise, Very Naughty Alien Nasty Killer Death Beast I-XXIX. One of a series of films that have taken more at the box office than the combined government debt of nearly all the countries in the Euro. Therefore, a very significant sum indeed.

However, of late a certain number of charities, especially those that run donkey...

Free Kindle Humour: Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

FREE for the next five days here (UK) or here (US)

Yet more outpourings and ejaculations from Norbert Trouser-Quandary’s notably upstanding organ, featuring more tales of the doings and goings-on in that most delightfully perverted of England’s rural villages: Little Frigging in the Wold.

This volume of tales from Little Frigging features the adventures of Grand Uncle Stagnant back in the summer of love where he hears about the concept of free love...

When the World Goes Away

It looked different now.

Carla stared out at the sea, standing on the almost empty beach. Already the scene flickered in and out of focus like a poor TV signal on a stormy night.

A dog barked nearby. She shifted to see the dog, a young Labrador, barking at the waves as they rolled towards it. The dog leapt back and Carla saw a young couple walking towards her. They did not acknowledge her.

Carla stood still, waiting.

The couple did not notice her. The woman was young, mid-twenties or so. She...

The Personal Computer Revolution – How it Began

Bitstream Logicgate first invented the computer system that made him world-famous during his teenage years. At the time, downloading anything from the internet beyond plain text could take anything up to half a day. Therefore, the pictures of underdressed young ladies that are vital for a teenage boy’s intellectual development could take several hours to download completely. This was something no teenage boy could tolerate for that amount of time. In particular, as the picture download, if mo...

Cheese Tickling as a Professional Sport

There are – these days – not that many players of the traditional English sport of cheese tickling still around. This is not surprising even though scientists have confirmed in recent experiments at the European Large Cheese Collider, for example, that a well-tickled Edam is a much happier cheese than an un-tickled one.

However, Hettie Curdsnwhey has emerged as the UK’s leading contender for the World Solo Cheese Tickling Cup when it is next held, at Tipton World Cheese Sports Arena, in 2016....

The Limits of the Moment

The Limits of the Moment

Now there are times and places all around
From where we grow into these shapes that turn,
Each blowing in the wind. Becoming leaves
Discarded by the trees as winter falls.

We only have what falls on down with us
Reminding us of home and our belonging.
And this is not what we expect at all
In those young dreams where future times unfold

Before the eyes of every child who sees
The limits of the moment the first time.
I could have learnt then how to take those dreams
And...