Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 4

Our Common Humanity

Our Common Humanity

There is something powerful about recognizing our common humanity. By this I mean acknowledging that we, as human beings, share similar experiences. We are all imperfect and make mistakes. There is not a person alive who has not experienced suffering, stress, loss and pain. And we hold similar aspirations. We want to be loved, achieve success, and experience contentment.

You are not Alone

For years, I led seminars in personal transformation in which people opened the...

Creating Mutual Respect

In my last article, I wrote about seeing people deeply. Today I want to explore a related concept, respect and how to create mutual respect. The dictionary defines respect as “to hold in high regard; to feel or show honor or esteem towards something or someone.” Although we think of respect as behaving in a polite manner towards others, it is far more. When we respect someone, we value them, make positive assumptions about their worth, “grant” them space to be who and how they are, and treat...

Seeing People Deeply

So often we look at people and even interact with them but we don’t really see them. This is something that the columnist David Brooks has talked about lately. He’s been alarmed by the growing isolation and social disconnectedness in our society in recent years. In fact, he’s said, “Many of our society’s great problems flow from people not feeling seen and known. … There is a core … trait that we all have to get … better at, and that is the trait of seeing each other deeply and being deeply ...

A Circle of Healing

I recently learned about a Rabbi by the name of Sharon Brous, a founder of a Jewish Community in Los Angeles. Rabbi Brous recently wrote a book entitled, “The Amen Effect: Ancient Wisdom to Mend our Broken Hearts and the World” in which she writes about a circle of healing and underscores the importance of our presence to one another with tenderness and care not only when we are joyful but especially when we are in pain.

A Holy Practice

Rabbi Brous writes in her book that “showing up ...

Do You Relate from Fear, Duty, or Love?

So much of the quality of your relationships has less to do with other people and more to do with who and how you are in relation to other people. What are the attitudes and perceptions that you come from as you interact with others? In truth, you can do a lot to build healthy relationships as you take responsibility for the attitude or emotions that you put out when around other people.

A Story of Three Stonecutters

So let me introduce to three paradigms by sharing a story of three st...

Recovering From a High School Shooting

A sad story in modern life, at least in America, are all of the mass shootings in our public schools. As a psychologist I worked with students and their families who were directly affected by two different shootings. This is a story of how one young man recovered from a high school shooting.

A Wonderful Young Man

My work at one of these schools was was with the best friend of the shooter. This was a really wonderful young man who was devastated by the event because of his close relatio...

I’m Not Okay Stories

We tell ourselves stories every day. Furthermore, these stories are powerful determiners of how we feel and act in everyday life. And today I want to talk about a common story that many people repeat to themselves. I call it the “I’m not okay” story. Unfortunately, it is a story that undercuts the happiness and productivity of millions of people. And I want to address it head on.

Your Biggest Secret

A well-known psychologist by the name of Irv Yalom has written numerous books on psycho...

Rebuilding Trust by Managing My Anxiety

I recently wrote about a key moment in which I had to make a decision about how to handle a Saturday evening. The choices I made were relatively small in the grand scheme of things but allowed me to experience an enjoyable evening with my wife that could easily have been otherwise.

Although small, such incidents are important. They establish a pattern of being aware, visualizing what is important, and making conscious, deliberate choices about how to think, feel and behave. Out of such sm...

Managing Anxiety by Changing My Story

I recently wrote about a key moment in which I had to make a decision about how to handle a Saturday evening. The choices I made were relatively small in the grand scheme of things but allowed me to experience an enjoyable night evening with my wife that could easily have been otherwise.

Although small, such incidents are important. They establish a pattern of being aware, visualizing what is important, and making conscious, deliberate choices about how to think, feel and behave. Out of s...

Letting Go of Shame by Reframing My Story

I recall a personal experience from when I was a boy. I was about 14 years of age. A group of us were playing basketball in the backyard of our neighbors. Jeff, the neighbor boy, got really mad about something and ran into his house. The game broke up and I walked over to our front yard where a number of neighborhood kids were playing and some of our mothers visiting. Suddenly, I was tackled from behind. Jeff was on me slugging away. I grabbed his arms and wrestled him off of me. In a few se...