Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 3

4 Communication Styles: How to Grow Myself and My Relationships

I believe that communication is one of the key factors determining our success and how well how we navigate the world around us. Our ability to relate to other people, get things done, and develop close and healthy relationships can all be thought of as a function of our communication. Therefore, by improving how we communicate we grow in our own emotional maturity and build better, healthy relationships.

A Framework

So I want to begin our discussion by introducing four different styles of comm...

How to Strengthen Your Relationships

Hi friends,

Frankly, there is nothing (or little) more important than our relationships. It is our relationships that bring us joy (and heartache) and give our lives meaning. A primary reason is that  we are interdependent. None of us lives or works in isolation but in a community (family, team, neighborhood, nation, etc.) with other people. As I see it, our emotional and spiritual development and ability to make good things happen in this world cannot be separated from the quality of our relat...

The Power of Commitment

It’s a new year. Although I’m not one to promote the value of making New Year’s resolutions, I do want to talk about a related and relevant concept—the power of commitment. I hope to share my understanding of this word in a way that will help you realize your desires and aspirations.

My Definition of Commitment

Commitment can be thought of as my intention to produce a result. The result could be something as simple as showing up for a meeting on time or as complex as starting a new business. Co...

Let Yourself feel Sad to Recover from Depression

We don’t want to feel sad or depressed and so we tend to block out these physical sensations and divert ourselves from these feelings. But from neuroscience we know, even though it sounds counterintuitive, that letting yourself feel sad can help you recover from depression.

Norman Farb and Zindel Segal, a couple of distinguished psychologists, conducted a study of 166 people who had recovered from past depression. In their study, (NeuroImage Clinical, 19 February 2022) they found that those who...

How to Respond to an Accusation

I recently received a question from a student in my course “Become a Master at Conflict Management at Home or Work.” She asked, “How can I prevent my ego from getting in the way when my husband attacks me at the start of our conversation?” She went on to tell me that he snapped at her out of the blue. She tried to avoid being defensive but was unsuccessful. Although she tried listening later in the conversation, the damage had been done and the tone between them is now tense.

This was a good qu...

Perspective

“[Dad], can I have a motorcycle when I get old enough?”
“If you take care of it.”
“What do you have to do?”
“Lots of things. You’ve been watching me.”
“Will you show me all of them?”
“Sure.”
“Is it hard?”
“Not if you have the right attitude. It’s having the right attitude that’s hard.”
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, p. 372.

One Thing that Makes Life Easy or Difficult

What makes life easy or difficult, or any other way we judge it for that matter, is perspective. What matters most, a...

How to Say “No”

In my last post, I talked about the importance of setting boundaries to be clear about what you are and are not responsible for in your relationships. Awareness of boundaries is critical to protecting and taking care of yourself as well as respecting another’s agency and sense of self. In this article, I want to talk about how to say “No,” another way we set boundaries.

Does it Align with Your Heart?

How often do people make requests of you and, out of duty or love, you say “Yes” and yet in you...

Setting Healthy Boundaries

I’ve been writing a lot about building relationships in these last several articles. Today I want to explore the practice of setting healthy boundaries. Not only do good relationships require empathy and caring for others but also taking care of ourselves or even sometimes protecting ourselves from others. I don’t mean protecting ourselves because others are mean and hurtful, although that is certainly sometimes the case, but because we need to make room for ourselves and our needs which don...

Asking for Support

Someone recently asked me what I lessons I have learned as I look back on my career. I thought about his question and realized that I would have asked for more mentoring and even emotional support.

Many of us think that we have to go it on our own. Even during adversity, we think we have to buck up and pick ourselves up by the bootstraps. I felt that way and as a consequence didn’t reach out to others more experienced than me to benefit from their support and counsel, particularly in my c...

How to Practice Empathy in Everyday Life

Empathy is awareness of others, what they are feeling or what life may be like for them. I like to think about two dimensions of empathy. One is perspective taking which is your ability to see something from another’s point of view. A second form of empathy is called empathic concern which is to feel care or compassion about what someone is going through. Both dimensions are critical in building relationships whether it be with a loved one, friend, or work colleague.

A Key to Meaningful R...