Catherine Stothart's Blog

Ten Tips for Building Rapport

Building rapport and getting on with other people is important for anyone.  And there are some times when it is especially important – going off to university, starting a new job, joining a club, moving house, starting a new business.  There is very little you do alone – for most things you need to work with other people, and you need to get them onside.

The first step in getting on with other people is to build rapport with them. If you don’t get this right, you won’t get much further. I remember when I set up my business 20 years ago that networking and selling myself was something I avoided if I could. But I learned some simple techniques to make it a lot easier.  And these techniques apply to any situation where you are meeting people.

We make up our minds about other people within a few seconds of meeting them, so it’s important to build rapport quickly. When you meet people, make eye contact, smile, and be prepared with some small talk about non-contentious subjects – in the UK that’s usually the weather, traffic and sport. If appropriate, some physical contact, such as a handshake, can build a connection, but be mindful of social and cultural norms.

When you meet someone for the first time, repeat their name (so you remember it) and use their name when you speak to them, as this makes them feel that they are important to you. Afterwards, make a note of their name and the names of their partner and children, so you can refer to them next time you meet.

We instinctively make assumptions about other people and whether we like them or not, based on how they appear – the way they are dressed, their accent, their tone of voice, their posture and facial expression. The primitive part of our brains weighs up whether they are friend or foe. This happens immediately without conscious thought, but sometimes our assumptions are wrong, so it’s important to be open-minded and not let your first impressions colour how you treat them. Bear in mind that they are doing the same with you – so think about how you want to come across to create a good impression.

Behave as if you are confident, even if you don’t really feel confident. Manage your body language by breathing deeply to relax yourself and stand tall, or if sitting, sit up in your chair rather than slumping. Be aware of your voice, you might need to slow down, speak more clearly, or lower the pitch of your voice (especially if you are a woman).

A good way to build rapport is to match the physical energy of the person with whom you are communicating. If they are coming across as animated and energetic, or calm and reserved, then matching their speed and tone of voice, their facial expressions, hand gestures and body posture, is useful (though not so much that they think you are mocking them). Generally, we do this mirroring and matching unconsciously – you can often tell that other people are in rapport if their body language matches.

If you tend to be an extraverted person, with plenty to say, beware of appearing too loud or domineering – make sure you allow some pauses and ask some questions to give the other person the opportunity to speak. If you tend to be a more introverted person, who likes to think before speaking, you may need to make a conscious effort to speak up and plan what you might want to say.

Most people like talking about themselves so ask questions about them, their jobs, their family and friends, their hobbies, but don’t make it feel like an interrogation! Questions beginning with ‘what’ and ‘how’ will open up the conversation and are more effective than questions starting with ‘why’, as these can make people defensive and feel they have to explain themselves.

And there is no point in asking questions if you don’t show interest in the answers. Show you are listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding, and by asking follow-up questions, repeating back some of what they have said, or building on their ideas. Avoid surreptitiously looking around the room to see who might be more interesting to talk to – they will notice!

We build rapport more easily with people who are like ourselves in some way, so a core skill in building rapport is to find common ground, especially with people who seem very different from us in the obvious ways of gender and ethnicity. There is usually something people have in common (eg support the same football teams, visit the same places on holiday, live in the same area, like the same TV programmes or music, have similar aged children, enjoy the same hobbies etc). Finding something in common will build a connection between you and you can build on this next time you meet. Even when people appear superficially to be like you, you might find you have very different attitudes and opinions.

In the first stages of meeting someone, it’s advisable to avoid contentious subjects on which you might disagree. People usually say to avoid politics, sex and religion. Finding you disagree on topics like these can break rapport and reduce the opportunity to build on common ground.

Being alert to how the other person responds to what you have said will show you whether they have received it as you intended. If their reaction surprises or puzzles you, this is an indication that they haven’t interpreted your communication in the way you intended. Noticing their reaction gives you the chance to clarify what you meant.

Finally, at networking events, set yourself an achievable target (eg to talk to three people), and don’t feel you have to get around the whole room. Often quality is better than quantity and there is no point in setting an unachievable target, that will make you feel like you have failed.

Taking the time to build rapport with the many people you meet is a solid foundation for a positive ongoing business relationship with them. And of course, all these tips apply to our lives outside work too. To find out how others might see you, why not take my What’s Your Style quiz? Or even better, pick up a copy of How to Get On with Anyone, available at all good bookshops.

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7 Top Tips for Disagreeing

Let’s face it, however much we want to get on with people, there will always be times for disagreeing. Sometimes we choose to keep our opinions to ourselves in the interests of harmony, but at other times, we voice our thoughts.

Getting on well with other people does not mean avoiding disagreement. In fact, debate and disagreement can lead to innovation, better solutions and positive change. Gandhi said that “honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress”.

How can you disagree constructively?  How can you say what you think without upsetting other people or escalating into conflict?  What behaviours help to avoid conflict?

Here are my 7 top tips.

Avoid emotive language and personal attacks. Conflicts can escalate quickly. Our flight or fight response activates before a more considered response kicks in. Take the heat and pace out of the situation by using a calm tone of voice and measured body language – don’t point, shout or wave your arms about.

Advocate your own position by explaining, giving examples and sharing your reasoning. Don’t feel threatened by challenge but use it as an opportunity to explain your own position, and to understand theirs.

Seek to understand their position by probing their thinking and exploring their ideas. Repeat their views in your own words – this acknowledges the other person, checks you have heard correctly, and gives you time to think.

Have a collaborative mindset. Don’t raise objections. Instead, ask for clarification, seek ideas and make suggestions. Look for win-wins, rather than win-lose outcomes, it’s not a competition! Consider the problem from their perspective – put yourself in their shoes, rather than sticking firmly in your own.

Avoid “red flag” phrases. When you disagree with what is said, use “and”, not “but” to bridge to your point of view (“and I think…” not “but I think…”, “I appreciate what you think, and I think……”)). “But” is like a big red flag that you are about to disagree, while “and” defuses the potential conflict. Avoid other red flag phrases such as “with respect”, “I hear what you say” and “you should…” – most people don’t like being told what to do.

Switch from the past or present tense to the future – what are we going to do, how can we move forward? Move the conversation on to the future, and how to resolve the disagreement. Use phrases such as “would you be willing to….” in order to find areas of agreement on how to move forward.

Show respect for them and their views. People are particularly sensitive to what they regard as a “lack of respect”. When you communicate with people, bear in mind that we all have deep seated needs to feel that we matter to others, are respected and are liked. So even during conflict, treat them as if they are important to you and you want to get on with them. Nobody likes to feel belittled. Remember that you will have to carry on working (or living) with the person after this conflict is resolved – what can you do or say now, that will help to build a better relationship with them for the future?

Finally, if the underlying problem is a personality clash, take a look at my June blog for guidance on emotionally intelligent behaviour.  And check out my tips for specific personalities and the CREDIT approach to managing conflict here.

 

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Personality Clashes – how resilient behaviours make a difference

Can you get on with everyone at work?

We’ve all had “difficult” colleagues – perhaps the impatient go-getter, the stick-to-the-rules pedant, the excitable attention-seeker or the indecisive procrastinator. Personality clashes are the top cause of conflict at work and diversity in personality probably causes more problems than other forms of diversity.

Why do some people have a personality clash?It’s easier to build rapport with people who are like ourselves. This applies as much to personality as to the more obvious similarities of race, gender and social class. When people have different personalities, it’s more difficult to build mutual understanding.We judge people by the impact of their behaviour on us. If we experience someone’s behaviour as aggressive, or irritating or frustrating, we may respond negatively, resulting in a downward spiral of unhelpful behaviours.We overlook the likely positive intention behind their behaviour and so fail to find common ground for collaboration. For example, someone who delays a decision may be aiming to get the best possible result, not trying to annoy us by procrastinating.Our beliefs – about ourselves, about them and about the situation – drive our emotions and actions. When our beliefs about what is important are not shared, we experience this as a threat to our self-worth and we push our own approach harder, leading to an escalation of conflict.We lack self-awareness to appreciate how our behaviour affects them. How we are perceived is also influenced by our position in the hierarchy. Research shows that often we don’t even know when our behaviour is seen as considerate or rude.How can we manage these personality clashes?

Getting on with people doesn’t mean you have to be “nice” or agree with them. And conflict comes in many guises. Conflict over the task might be the vital catalyst to get the best outcomes. But personal conflict can undermine progress.

You can’t change other people’s behaviour, but you can manage your own and this will influence how they respond to you. Here are some tips and techniques:

We tend to judge ourselves by our intention (“I didn’t mean to be rude, I was only….”) and others by their impact (“he was rude!”). We need to switch this around and judge others by their intention, and ourselves by our impact.Appreciate that when people react emotionally, it’s a sign that their needs are not being met – ask open questions to clarify what they want. Find out what people are feeling rather than what they think .Make allowances for the negative impact of their behaviour on you and seek to understand their intention. The colleague who comes across as impatient and demanding might intend to get quick, achievable results.Your peer who appears slow and inflexible might want to ensure there is a carefully thought-through plan.If you can get past your flight or fight response to see beyond their behaviour, you might be able to find common ground and the opportunity for collaboration.Take a third person perspective to notice the impact of your behaviour on the other person – if you were a fly on the wall, what would you see?Be mindful of what is happening in your body – tension in the jaw and shoulders, faster heart rate, shorter shallower breaths – are all signs that your body is preparing for fight or flight. Take a deep breath, count to 10, move away while you gather your thoughts.Use active assertiveness – say what you want clearly, use self-confident speech and body language.Switch from the past or present to the future and use inclusive language – “how can we take this forward?”, “what shall we do next?”.

I can’t promise that these techniques will work in every situation with every person. But they are resilient behaviours – you will feel more effective when in conflict with colleagues, and a lot better about yourself.

To find out more about your own personality style and where it might clash with others, get a copy of my book, How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones

Take my free quiz and get a personal report, or check out my reference cards for handy tips to keep alongside you.

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What do you Expect of Yourself?

What do you expect of yourself? And how do you feel when you can’t meet your own expectations?

Last month I wrote about types of leaders, what each type expects of others, and how our expectations influence how we manage them.  But what are our expectations of ourselves?  What we expect of others is usually the same as what we expect of ourselves, because this is what we value.

So let’s look at what these expectations mean for each of us and what causes us stress when we can’t meet them.

Expectations of yourself

How often do you think about what you expect of yourself? Probably not often. Our expectations of ourselves are so deep-seated and instinctual that we may not be aware of them. They are what motivates us, and they have a profound impact on how we think and feel. And if we don’t meet our own expectations, we experience dysfunction and stress.

What are your expecations of yourself?  Which of these four statements is most like you?

I expect others to have ideas, work independently, focus on the task, be motivated by achievement.

If you value and are motivated by contributing to progress and being strategic (Theorist pattern), you’ll feel stressed when the day-to-day demands from others prevent you spending time on innovation.

I expect others to react quickly, be practical, know what’s happening, be motivated by being in the action.

If you value and are motivated by being free to act in the moment (Improviser pattern) and using your tactical skills, you’ll feel stressed when you are held back from acting by long meetings and discussions.

I expect others to make a plan, be realistic, work hard and be motivated by responsibility.

If you value and are motivated by doing your duty to the group and using your logistical skills, (Stabiliser pattern), you’ll feel stressed when there is a lack of organisation and structure.

I expect others to collaborate, use imagination, work in harmony, be motivated by praise.

If you value and are motivated by helping others achieve their aspirations and being diplomatic (Catalyst pattern), you’ll feel stressed when there is conflict and lack of harmony

Why does this matter?

Stress arises because other people want us to meet their expectations rather than our own and place unwanted demands on us. We spend too much time fulfilling what other people need from us rather than using our real talents.

Knowing your expectations of yourself and what motivates you means you can take more control over your work and life, to spend more time on the things that energise you and less on the things that drain you. This awareness helps you to manage your negative feelings when you can’t do what you want. You’ll understand why you feel that way and what you can do about it.

Take my free quiz and get a personal report of your likely motivation pattern. Find an overview of the four motivation patterns here.  Purchase a set of easy-to-follow cards that walk you step by step through what you need to succeed!

For an in-depth look at what motivates you and how to motivate others, buy my book, Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team. Use discount code MTCS25.

 

 

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Which Type of Leader Are You?

Here are pen pictures of four types of leader and approaches to leading others. Which one fits you best?  Why does it matter?  And how can you enable others to give their best?

Which one fits you?

Are you someone who has a strong sense of duty, enjoys being responsible, and likes to lead a team that gets results? You probably have logistical skills and create a planned and organised environment. You’ll expect others to be responsible too. Sometimes you’ll take on too much yourself, and this can cause stress for you and those around you. This is the Stabiliser pattern – people who are motivated primarily by the need to belong.

Or perhaps you like to be free to act in the moment, trouble-shooting problems, and seeing immediate results? You probably have tactical skills and create a fast-moving, fun environment. You’ll expect others to react quickly too. Sometimes you’ll feel constrained by rules, and this will make you feel trapped and bored. This is the Improviser pattern – people who are motivated primarily by the need for freedom to act.

Maybe you enjoy mastering new things, building your expertise, and contributing to progress? You probably have strategic skills and create an innovative environment. You’ll expect others to show initiative. Sometimes you’ll feel frustrated by routine and repetitive demands on your time. This is the Theorist pattern – people who are motivated primarily by the need for competence.

Or are you someone who wants to be true to themselves, help others be the best they can be and enjoys collaborating with others? You probably have diplomatic skills and create a caring, harmonious environment. You’ll expect others to collaborate. Sometimes you’ll feel stressed by conflict and criticism. This is the Catalyst pattern – people who are motivated by fulfilling potential.

Why does it matter?

Knowing what type of leader you are matters because we expect others to be like us, and we tend to undervalue other approaches. If we are responsible, we expect others to be the same. If we are fast-acting, we want others to respond quickly too. If we have initiative, we value that in others. If we are collaborative, we expect others to collaborate.

When we find other people are not the same as us, we risk overlooking their unique contribution and fail to capitalise on what they bring to the team. We may even make it hard for them to work with us, by insisting on ways of working that don’t work for them.

When I managed an HR department, one of my team (an Improviser) was good at reacting to events on the spur of the moment, but not so good at initiating new policies and procedures. I wanted him to be like me (a Theorist), and I undervalued his ability to trouble-shoot.

One of my coachees (a Theorist) was recruited to his role to bring in technical innovations, but he got bogged down by his boss’s demands (a Stabiliser) that he attend meetings and produce regular reports and statistics – he had no time to innovate and he eventually left the role.

A team I worked with had someone (a Catalyst) who really disliked the atmosphere of blame in the team when something went wrong. None of her colleagues were aware of the impact of their behaviour and how it made her feel.

Being aware of your own approach also matters so that you can make choices about your life and career that fit with who you are. You can spend more time on the things that energise you and less on the things that drain you. You’ll be able to meet your core psychological needs, and you’ll feel fulfilled.

These four leaders (real people, names changed), were all successful in their roles heading up a luxury car dealership. They displayed different strengths, related to their different core needs.

Abdul was motivated by the need to have freedom to act (Improviser) and be able to get impressive quick results. He had his “finger on the pulse”, knew exactly what was going on around him and acted quickly to deal with problems. He was quick witted and able to think on his feet. He easily built rapport with customers, and he enjoyed being around the luxury cars in the showroom.

Gemma was motivated by the need for competence (Theorist), and her priority was to run an efficient and effective operation that would be seen as a benchmark for others. She promoted her site as the proving ground for using new technology both in its customer-facing side and in the back-office activities.

Mike was motivated by taking responsibility and belonging (Stabiliser) to a group. He had a reputation for being reliable, delivering what he said he would, following through on actions and picking up tasks that no-one else wanted to do. He liked to feel that he was keeping the wheels of the organisation turning.

Shanta was motivated by her desire to help others fulfil their potential (Catalyst). She always had time for her team members and made it a priority to give feedback and coach them. She felt fulfilled when they went on to bigger roles. She was quick to pick up on any signs that people were not happy and dealt with this sensitively.

All four types of leader and approaches are valuable and valid ways of managing. If we could blend them all into one person, we’d have the perfect leader – organised, responsive, innovative and empathetic!

What can you do to enable others to give their best?

Start by understanding what type of leader you are and what impact you have on those around you. Knowledge of personality type, temperament and interaction styles is a great place to start.

Find out more about what motivates you, how you express this in your behaviour, and how this impacts your team in my book, Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team. Use code MTCS25 for 25% off.  Take my free quiz and get a personal report of the likely strengths and challenges of your own style.

Knowing yourself gives you a head start in leading others!

 

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Women, Leadership and Speech

How does what you do and say affect how others perceive you?

This question affects all of us in different ways. It’s also relevant to women and leadership.

Do men and women (on average) “speak” differently?What impact does their “speech” have on how they are perceived as leaders?

These questions came up for me on #IWD in relation to female leaders, and how they might need to flex their behaviour to be perceived as leaders. They may need to flex:

How they phrase their communication and the specific words they use.Their body language and tone of voice.Phrasing and Words

When we attempt to influence others in an interaction, we may use a more directing, “tell” style, or an informing, “suggest” style. For example, when asking someone to take the minutes of a meeting, there is a continuum of possible ways to phrase your request, from directing – ‘can you write the minutes please? – to informing – ‘it would be good to have minutes of this meeting’.

On average, women have a more “informing” style of communication, while men have a more “directing” style. Women tend to share information, they explain, they make suggestions, they consult, there’s a focus on getting buy-in. Men tend to give direction, they tell others what to do, they give structure, there’s a focus on getting the task done. (There are of course individual men and women who do not fit this pattern, but this describes the typical behaviours of each gender).

For example, at work, when there is a problem to resolve, if you have a directing style you might give direction: ‘I think what we need to do is…’, or ‘You should do it this way…’, while if you have an informing style you might want to give and receive input: ‘There are lots of aspects to consider’, or ‘What does everyone think?’.

At home, when you find you have run out of milk, if you naturally give direction, you might say: ‘Please buy milk today’ (ie making a clear request) while if you tend to give information, you might say: ‘We’ve run out of milk.’ (ie leaving the decision on whether to act to the other person).

We can also ask questions in either a directing or an informing way. For example, when waiting to use a piece of equipment (at work, at the gym), you could ask ‘Can I use it now please?’ or ‘How long are you going to be?’. The first is a directing style – it’s a direct unambiguous request. The second is a more informing style – it’s seeking information to help decide what to do next.

Each style has a particular impact, positive or negative, on the other person.  For example, a directing style may feel clear and straightforward, or it may seem bossy.  An informing style may feel open and consultative, or it could seem manipulative.

Why does this matter?

One reason this matters is that this difference in style plays into our stereotypes of leaders. Many people still expect a leader to be “strong” in the sense of having a command and control style. They expect leaders to make decisions and tell people what to do – this is the “directing” style, and they may perceive people with this style (often men) as more leader-like. People who have the “informing style” and appear more consultative and collaborative (often women), may be perceived as indecisive and less leader-like.

If you are a female leader with an informing style, it’s worth consciously noticing how you speak and practising a more directing style for some interactions. For example, to be perceived as a leader, you may need to hold back a little and be less chatty, or be more assertive and less accommodating.

Female leaders with a directing style sometimes have a different problem. They are often perceived as “bossy” while men with the directing style are seen as “assertive”. They may sometimes need to be less direct, and mix direction with giving information.

Another reason this difference in style matters is that, irrespective of gender, it’s more effective to use the style that best fits the situation. In an emergency, or with someone inexperienced, the directing style may work best. When you have a complex problem and/or need to get buy-in, the informing style may work best. Being able to flex your style to suit the situation, and the people you are interacting with, is essential to get the best outcomes for everyone.

It’s also helpful to be alert to the words you use. For example, women tend to use more self-undermining language than men, such as using “just” as in “I just wanted to ask…”, “could I just….”, and they tend to speak more apologetically when they ask for something.

Using assertive language: ‘I’ statements such as ‘I think, I’d like, I need’ rather than aggressive language (‘You should, you ought’) or submissive language (‘Don’t mind me’) is usually more impactful.

Body language and voice tone

Body language and tone of voice are part of how you convey a message to others. Women who want to be perceived as having “gravitas” – a word much more often used to describe men than women – may need to adopt a pose that is more open (eg not crossing legs or arms), expansive (taking up more space), and calm (lack of fidgeting).

Your body language reflects what you are thinking and feeling.  When we feel confident, we stand taller, make eye contact and speak more assertively. People are more likely to pay attention to what we say. When we lack confidence, we stoop, shrink into ourselves and speak more tentatively. People are less likely to pay attention to what we say.

You can use your body to make you feel more confident. Behaving “as if” you are confident  – standing tall, making eye contact etc – makes you feel confident and then you come across more confidently to others. See this blog for tips on how to build your confidence.

Tone of voice also has an impact on how you are perceived. Margaret Thatcher famously had voice coaching to lower the pitch of her voice, and it is rumoured that Keir Starmer uses a voice coach to improve the impact of his communication. Be aware of how you sound, how fast or slowly you speak, the pitch and pace of your voice.

The key point is to be ready to flex your communication style to fit the situation – this will enable you to have greater impact and influence. Like beauty, leadership is often “in the eye of the beholder”.

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8 Tips for Boosting Your Confidence and Resilience

We can’t be confident and resilient all the time in every situation, but we can become more confident more often, and confidence leads to better performance. Confidence and resilience often go together. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from the challenges and pressures that life throws at us and maintain a positive outlook. People who are resilient generally have confidence in themselves and their ability to overcome setbacks.

So what can you do to build your confidence and boost your resilience?

Building your confidenceBelieve in yourself.

Remind yourself of what you can do, rather than what you can’t. Don’t put yourself down – if you hear yourself saying negative things about yourself, you will believe them (“I’m no good at….I’m always doing it wrong….it doesn’t matter what I think”). Instead, remind yourself of what you are good at and do some positive self-talk (“I’ve got skills in xyz…..other people can do this so I can too….my opinions matter as much as anyone else’s….”).

Manage your mood.

Be aware of how you are feeling – are you bored, anxious, angry or curious, relaxed, excited? Do whatever helps you feel positive emotions so you feel good about yourself. Some sports people play their favourite music before competing, to “get in the zone”. Mind and body are linked, so being aware of your body helps you manage your mood. If you feel butterflies in your stomach, this is a signal that you are nervous and need to take some action to soothe yourself.

Prime yourself for a confident state of mind.

Do something that cheers you up, write down three positive things that have happened at the end of every day, see yourself behaving confidently. When you receive compliments from others, let them sink in, rather than brushing them aside. Hearing positive things about yourself builds your confidence.

Behave “as if” you are confident.

If you behave confidently, you will feel more confident. Manage your body language – breathe deeply to calm yourself, relax your jaw and shoulders, stand tall, make eye contact, smile and look interested in others. Be aware of your voice – slow down your speech, speak at a normal volume, not shouting or whispering, and lower the pitch of your voice (especially if you are female).

Boosting your resilienceLook after your resources of energy.

It’s much easier to cope with challenges when you have physical, mental and emotional energy and much harder when you are tired, drained and anxious. Looking after your body, mind and spirit is a key foundation for being resilient. Taking regular breaks from an activity helps boost your energy and maintain performance. There is evidence that spending time outside in the natural world has a positive impact on mental and emotional energy.

Develop resilient beliefs.

Choose beliefs, feelings and actions that enable you to function at your best. If you are going for an interview and believe that you are going to fail, then you will feel nervous, this will come out in your body and you will project yourself less confidently with the result that you are less likely to succeed. When you fail, attributing the failure to something in yourself can be unhelpful, while attributing it to something in the situation, is a more helpful belief – compare the impact of believing “I am just not good enough” with “there was a better person for this job”.

Put problems in perspective.

Sometimes we over-react to problems – stop and ask yourself, on a scale of 1 – 10, where 10 is life-threatening, how bad is this problem? Most day to day problems are probably around a 5 on this scale!

Connect with others.

Everyone likes to spend some time with other people and this fulfils basic human needs to feel part of a group and to feel liked and respected. Even though you may feel you are too busy to spend time with your friends and family, doing so will help you realise that you matter to others and this builds your resilience. It’s also true that a problem shared is a problem halved – things never seem so bad when you talk to other people about them.

If you find these tips helpful, why not check out my books for more practical ways to live a happier life?  Buy Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team from Routledge with discount code MTCS25.  Buy How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones wherever you get your books – Waterstones, WHSmith, Amazon, and others.

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7 Ways to Manage Your Mood

How are you feeling at this moment? Relaxed, happy, curious? Or rushed, irritable, bored? Or something else? Maybe this week really is the most depressing week of the year!  How can you manage your mood?

What do you think about these questions?
• How do you know what mood you are in?
• Where does your mood come from?
• What impact does your mood have on your behaviour and therefore on other people?
• Is your mood helping you or hindering you in leading the life you want?

If you know the answers to these questions, you are probably already managing your mood. But if you are not sure, then you are in good company – neuroscientists are still working on explanations for moods. But there are some things that we know now that can help us to manage them. Which of these tips work for you?

Checking your Mood

It is often difficult to know what’s going on in our own minds. Much of our behaviour is driven by unconscious processes – we do and say things based on automatic patterns, without conscious thought. We rarely stop to check how we are feeling or how our thoughts are influencing our behaviour.

At intervals throughout the day, take a few moments to stop what you are doing and check your mood – how are you feeling? Are you bored, anxious, irritable? Or are you curious, confident, relaxed? Being aware of your mood is the first step to changing it.

Owning your mood

Do you ever say “I got out of bed on the wrong side”, as if something happened during the night to make you feel bad? Or perhaps you say that someone else has “made” you feel unhappy or angry?

But we can manage our reaction and can choose how to respond. When someone cuts us up on the road, we feel angry, but if we knew that the other driver was rushing to hospital in an emergency, we would feel sympathy instead, a much more constructive emotion. We can reframe a situation to feel differently about it.

Even when we are aware of our thoughts and feelings, we often cannot explain why we are thinking or feeling that way. We may feel happy, but we don’t know why. Do we smile because we are happy, or are we happy because we are smiling? You can influence your mood by working on both your body and your mind.

What’s your body telling you?

Body and mind are closely linked. If you are aware of what’s happening in your body, you can influence what’s in your mind. The body tells the mind what mood we are in. Lisa Feldman-Barrett (a neuroscientist and author of How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain) says

emotions are your brains best guesses about what your bodily sensations mean.

You can listen to your body to help you make big decisions too.

By changing something in your body, you can change what’s in your mind. If you are going for a job interview and are feeling nervous, your body tells you that you are nervous – you have butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms and a dry mouth. You can work directly on your body to release the tension by doing some deep breathing in the abdomen. This calms your nerves and puts you in a more resourceful state.

What’s in your mind?

You can also use your mind and your thoughts to affect your body and your mood. When we go for a job interview, we tend to have automatic negative thoughts which make us more nervous. (“I’ve got no chance of getting this job”). You can change these to positive thoughts (“I’ve got as good a chance as anyone”) and you will both feel and appear more confident. This trick of turning negatives into positives enables you to manage your mood and have a more positive outlook.

What do you enjoy?

We all have some things that lift our mood and make us feel better. Make time to do them! Too often we think we haven’t got time to do the things that help put us in a good mood – but this is false economy.

By taking time for what we enjoy, we get into a more upbeat frame of mind and this has a positive impact on the other things we do – so listen to music, go for a walk, stop by the coffee machine, or whatever works for you. Don’t stop to think about whether you have time, just do it!

How do you look after yourself?

Looking after your different types of energy – physical, mental, emotional – helps maintain positive moods. When you get home from work after a day using your mental energy, do something completely different and use some physical energy instead – this enables your mental resources to be replenished.

Don’t wait until you “feel like” going for a run or to the gym – go out and do it and you will return re-energised.
Alternatively, if your work is physical, do something when you get home that uses some mental energy instead. You can balance your energy through your hobbies and activities outside work.

Watching the ripples

Moods are infectious – like the ripples in a pond when a stone is dropped in – and can have a positive or negative impact on the people around us. Ask yourself whether your mood is helping you or hindering you in getting on with the people who are important to you – your partner, boss, colleagues, friends, family. If it’s hindering you, then you know what to do!

For lots more tips and tools on managing your thoughts and feelings in all sorts of situations, see Chapters 17 and 18 in How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones and chapters 5 and 6 in Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team.

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Making Sticky Resolutions

Are you making a New Year’s resolution this year? If so, how can you make it a sticky resolution, something that motivates you, something that you can stick with over the next few months?

We’ve all made aspirational resolutions on 31st December in the first flush of enthusiasm for a new year and a new beginning, and the optimism that comes from being with friends and having a few drinks. We make a resolution, start on it the next day, do it for about a week, then we get busy or distracted by other things and it slips away.  It’s not sticky!

So how can you make resolutions that stick?

Somebody asked me recently whether I had kept last year’s resolution. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it until then, but I realised that I had kept it – and I also realised what had enabled me to stick to it. I had turned the aspiration into reality by making it actionable, I had planned specific actions into each week. If you find tend to procrastinate, the guidance here will help you.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2024 was to spend more time with family and friends. That might not sound ambitious, but I’m self-employed and I easily fill all my time with work and with writing. I enjoy it, and it’s a big part of my life. But I realised that I was not meeting my emotional needs for contact with family and friends. So I marked out three half days each week to see people, and I set aside some weekends for family time. This has worked really well and I feel much happier. I’ll be continuing this pattern in 2025.

My New Year’s resolution for 2025 is to feel more relaxed. I’m going to leave space in my diary for the unexpected things that crop up, and to plan for everything I do to take longer than I expect! Most of us are pretty bad at planning – this is why construction projects always overrun on time and budget. Many of the people I coach have difficulty with this too. There are no more hours in the day, so you have to find ways of prioritising your activities to the time available, and not getting stressed about the things you don’t have time to do.

I’ll turn this aspiration into reality by setting only one major task to do each day, leaving time for the minor things that occur….and by not having back to back meetings. Ask me next December whether I managed it!

These are my principles for making resolutions achievable:Express your resolution as something positive (not a negative aim like giving something up or losing something).Make it easy by working out how to get started and by planning actionable steps.Make it enjoyable by including something you like doing, or giving yourself regular rewards as you progress.

Good luck with making your resolutions sticky!

For guidance and templates on setting goals, see my book Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team, chapters 4 and 5.  You’ll also find advice keeping your resolutions here and goal-setting guidance in this blog.

Happy New Year!

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Ten Tips for feeling Confident

Feeling confident comes from feeling OK about yourself. The biggest realisation I had when I wrote How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones, was that getting on with other people is largely about managing your feelings about them AND your feelings about yourself.

In this blog, I share ten tips that will help you to manage your feelings, and give you the confidence you need to get on well with others, at work and at home.

1. Do some positive self-talk every day

Remind yourself of what you can do, rather than what you can’t. Turn any automatic negative thoughts (ANTS), into positives. If you catch yourself saying that you “can’t” do something, work out how you can.

2. Don’t put yourself down

If you say negative things about yourself, you will believe them. And ignore put-downs from other people – going along with negative comments chips away at your self-confidence.

3. Let compliments from others sink in.

We often brush them off in embarrassment but hearing positive things about yourself builds your confidence. Because we usually take more notice of criticism than appreciation, we need about five times as much positive feedback as negative to help us feel good, so make the most of any compliments you get!

4. Make sure you do something that’s important to you every day.

Spending all day doing things you don’t really want to do, can make you resentful and it undermines your confidence, while doing something that’s important to you makes you feel that you matter.

5. Be aware of the emotions you are feeling and learn how to change a negative mood

You will get on better with other people if you feel relaxed, or curious or excited rather than tense, or bored or angry, and this will build your confidence.

6. Behave “as if” you are confident.

Manage your body language – breathe deeply to calm yourself, relax your jaw and shoulders, stand tall, make eye contact and smile. Be aware of your voice – slow down your speech, speak at a normal volume and lower the pitch of your voice. Body and mind are linked, so when you behave confidently, you automatically feel more confident. People are more likely to pay attention to what you say if you appear confident, and their response will make you feel truly confident.

7. Make time to do whatever helps to put you in a positive frame of mind

If you feel good when you are wearing particular clothes, or have had your hair styled, or have been doing something you enjoy, then go for it. Similarly, if you know that you feel good when you have been out for a walk, or read a book, or had a coffee with friends, make time for that – your positive mood will boost your confidence.

8. Write down three positive things that have happened at the end of each day

You will soon have a long list of things to feel good about. It’s also helpful to write down all the things you are good at, your strengths, and keep it near you so you can refer to it when you need a confidence boost.

9. Focus on other people rather than yourself.

We are all guilty of thinking that “it’s all about me” but switching your attention to other people when you are with them, makes you less self-conscious – your doubts and fears subside, leaving you in a more positive frame of mind.

10. Avoid the temptation to “compare and despair”

If you use social media you might believe that everyone else leads perfect lives. They don’t!  Social media is like fake news, it constructs an image of people’s lives which isn’t reality. Believing what you see can undermine your confidence. Instead, “compare and take care” – look after your own feelings and be kind to yourself!

For more tips on how to live a happier life with better relationships, pick up How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones.

Available from all good bookshops!  And pick up helpful hints from my other blogs with #self-esteem and #confidence.  Feeling unconfident about networking?  Get tips here.

 

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