7 Top Tips for Disagreeing

Let’s face it, however much we want to get on with people, there will always be times for disagreeing. Sometimes we choose to keep our opinions to ourselves in the interests of harmony, but at other times, we voice our thoughts.

Getting on well with other people does not mean avoiding disagreement. In fact, debate and disagreement can lead to innovation, better solutions and positive change. Gandhi said that “honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress”.

How can you disagree constructively?  How can you say what you think without upsetting other people or escalating into conflict?  What behaviours help to avoid conflict?

Here are my 7 top tips.

Avoid emotive language and personal attacks. Conflicts can escalate quickly. Our flight or fight response activates before a more considered response kicks in. Take the heat and pace out of the situation by using a calm tone of voice and measured body language – don’t point, shout or wave your arms about.

Advocate your own position by explaining, giving examples and sharing your reasoning. Don’t feel threatened by challenge but use it as an opportunity to explain your own position, and to understand theirs.

Seek to understand their position by probing their thinking and exploring their ideas. Repeat their views in your own words – this acknowledges the other person, checks you have heard correctly, and gives you time to think.

Have a collaborative mindset. Don’t raise objections. Instead, ask for clarification, seek ideas and make suggestions. Look for win-wins, rather than win-lose outcomes, it’s not a competition! Consider the problem from their perspective – put yourself in their shoes, rather than sticking firmly in your own.

Avoid “red flag” phrases. When you disagree with what is said, use “and”, not “but” to bridge to your point of view (“and I think…” not “but I think…”, “I appreciate what you think, and I think……”)). “But” is like a big red flag that you are about to disagree, while “and” defuses the potential conflict. Avoid other red flag phrases such as “with respect”, “I hear what you say” and “you should…” – most people don’t like being told what to do.

Switch from the past or present tense to the future – what are we going to do, how can we move forward? Move the conversation on to the future, and how to resolve the disagreement. Use phrases such as “would you be willing to….” in order to find areas of agreement on how to move forward.

Show respect for them and their views. People are particularly sensitive to what they regard as a “lack of respect”. When you communicate with people, bear in mind that we all have deep seated needs to feel that we matter to others, are respected and are liked. So even during conflict, treat them as if they are important to you and you want to get on with them. Nobody likes to feel belittled. Remember that you will have to carry on working (or living) with the person after this conflict is resolved – what can you do or say now, that will help to build a better relationship with them for the future?

Finally, if the underlying problem is a personality clash, take a look at my June blog for guidance on emotionally intelligent behaviour.  And check out my tips for specific personalities and the CREDIT approach to managing conflict here.

 

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