Catherine Stothart's Blog, page 2

Nine Tips to be Brilliant at Networking

Most people’s worst nightmare is walking into a room full of strangers and having to “network”. But it needn’t be an ordeal – you can be brilliant at it if you have the right mindset and are prepared. Here are some tips.

Manage your mindset

Mind and body are linked, and if you go in with negative thoughts in your head, this will affect your body language, facial expression and tone of voice and you will not have the positive impact that you intend. So banish any negative thoughts (“I’m no good at this….. no-one will want to talk to me….I won’t know anyone…”) and replace them with positive thoughts (“I’m excited to meet new people….I’m curious about who will be there….it will be interesting to find out what they do…”).

Be prepared

Find out who is likely to be there and what they are interested in. If you have already met some of them, remind yourself of who they are and what you talked about last time. Before the event, set yourself an achievable target (eg to make three new connections) and don’t feel you have to work the whole room, as this can put you under unnecessary pressure.

Practise your introduction

We don’t often say our own names out loud, so practise saying your own name (“Hello, I’m Catherine Stothart…..”). Add a short simple sentence that describes what you do or who you work for (“I recruit analysts for software companies”). If you pause, they will follow this by introducing themselves, and you can take the conversation on from there (“that’s interesting, can you tell me more about that……”).

Build rapport

When you meet people, you only have a few seconds to get their attention and they are already making up their minds about you. Behave as if you are confident (even if you don’t feel it) – make eye contact, smile, shake hands (if appropriate, depending on social and cultural norms), speak clearly. Match the physical energy of the other person – speed up if they are speaking quickly, slow down if they are speaking in a more measured way.

When you meet someone for the first time, repeat their name (so you remember it) and use their name when you speak to them, as this shows they are important to you. Later, make a note of the names of their partner and children and any topics you discuss, so you can refer to them next time you meet.

Ask questions and listen

Most people like talking about themselves, so ask open questions beginning with what and how, to develop the conversation. Show you are listening to the answers by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and by asking follow-up questions or building on what they have said. Make affirming statements and build connections (“I’ve heard good things about…..I know someone who works there….”). Make links with what you do.

Avoid surreptitiously looking around the room to see who might be more interesting to talk to – they will notice!

Offer help to them

We sometimes think that the purpose of networking is to get something for ourselves, but a more helpful approach is to think of it as an opportunity to do something for someone else. Offer ideas and suggestions, introduce them to other people you know, give them connections – they will remember you for helping them and might reciprocate in future.

Move on

Remember that networking events are for networking. This means that you don’t want to spend the whole time with one person, and they don’t want to spend all their time with you either. So find an appropriate point in the conversation to move on and practise what you might say (eg “it’s been interesting talking to you…..I’ll let you move on……I’ll drop you an email….I’ll look you up on Linkedin….”).

After the event

Make notes of who you met and their main interests. Think how you might develop the contact further – do you have some information they might be interested in, can you pass on an article or a link to them, how can you connect with them again? As a minimum, invite them to join your Linkedin network, and personalise the connection request (“it was good meeting you at….”).

Networking with social media

The most used networking channel for people in HR is LinkedIn. Whichever one you use, here’s how to be brilliant:

Do:

• Make sure your profile is up to date and your headline has the best information about you
• Like and comment on other people’s posts
• Post links to articles that you have found useful or helpful
• Get people’s attention by engaging with their posts.
• Remember your digital footprint lasts forever.
• Post regularly at consistent times.
• Create habits for when to check your social media.

Avoid:

• Wasting time “doom-scrolling” and feeling FOMO.
• Reacting or fighting back when people disagree or criticise you – although you may want to clarify your point if it has been misinterpreted.
• Becoming obsessive about checking your social media.
• Posting items that could damage your brand and reputation.

Find more helpful tips for being a brilliant communicator in my latest book: How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones

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7 Top Tips for Getting On with Anyone

Getting on well with other people is one of life’s biggest rewards but also one of its biggest challenges. Having a positive mindset towards other people helps you treat them in a way that makes them feel good and creates a healthy relationship between you.

So how do you do it?  Here are my 7 top tips for getting on with anyone:

1.  Build rapport

When you meet people, whether new acquaintances or old friends, build rapport by making eye contact, smiling and talking about non-contentious topics. If appropriate, some physical contact can build a connection (handshake, hug, kiss on the cheek, touch on the arm), but be mindful of social and cultural norms.

2.  Ask open questions

Most people like talking about themselves, so ask questions about them, their jobs, their family and friends, their hobbies (but not so much that it feels like an interrogation!). And there is no point in asking questions if you do not show interest in their answers. Open questions ususally begin with “what” or “how” – avoid “why” as it can be perceived as too challenging.

3.  Listen to the answers

Listen to the answers and look for what you have in common – we get on more easily with people who are like ourselves, so finding some common ground helps to build a sense of connection. Show you are listening, by asking follow-up questions, repeating back some of what they have said, and checking your understanding (“so you mean…….”). We often believe we are listening, but in fact our minds are off thinking about something else, like what we are going to eat, or what’s on TV tonight. Truly listening to someone else, rather than just nodding and looking like we are listening, is more difficult than you would think.

4.  Find points of agreement

Look for the positives in what people say, find areas on which you can agree, build on their ideas, give positive feedback (“I really like that suggestion…..”). When you disagree, use “and” not “but” to express your disagreement, as this feels less like a stand-off (“I appreciate what you think, and I think……”). Avoid exaggerated claims that the person always or never does something, as it is unlikely to be true and will feel provocative (“you never empty the dishwasher, you always leave your clothes on the floor”).

5.  Make your voice tone, body language and words congruent

Make sure that your tone of voice and your body language are congruent with what you are saying. You might say “that’s interesting” but if your body language is slumped, your face shows boredom, and your tone of voice is monotonous, they will not believe you are interested in them.

6.  Remember your purpose

Keep your purpose in mind – how do you want them and you to feel at the end of the conversation? Bored, nervous, angry, confused? Or curious, confident, relaxed, clear? Make sure what you say and do fits your purpose. Conversations in families, especially with teenagers or elderly parents, can quickly go off the rails because of the emotions involved. During the conversation, remind yourself of how you want them to feel and check that your behaviour fits with that. This will help to bring out positive emotions rather than negative ones.

7.  Promote their self-esteem

Act in a way that helps other people maintain their self-esteem – don’t criticise, or make them feel they are wrong, don’t mock them or engage in “banter”, don’t interrupt or talk over them. Instead, ask their opinion, encourage them, show concern for their concerns, make them feel special.

Getting on well with other people is one of life’s biggest rewards – follow these tips and go for it!

Buy How To Get On with Anyone

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Why we do what we do

How do you feel about going back to work or studies? Maybe it’s a good time to reflect on what motivates you – what makes you take action, why you do what you do. If you know what motivates you, you can manage your life to do more of those things and less of the things that drain your energy.

I know that I am more motivated and happier when I can spend enough time on the things I enjoy and am good at – thinking, writing, designing and running workshops, having coaching conversations. I am frustrated and unhappy when I have too much admin, too many people making demands on my time, too many things to organize. But other people thrive on these things and excel at them.

It’s so important to know this about yourself. I have a template that I use with my coaching clients when they are struggling to feel motivated. You can find this Enjoying Your Life-Role Fit here. It’s downloadable and free.

What are the four core motivators?

You can go deeper than this to become aware of your core psychological needs and how you are fulfilling them (or not) in your life.

According to Ryan and Deci, and Maslow, we are motivated to fulfil our core needs – for belonging, competence, freedom and to fulfil our potential – and when we can meet those needs, we have greater well-being too. When we don’t have the opportunity to meet these needs, we feel demotivated, and our mental health suffers (1).

While we all share needs for belonging, freedom, competence and to fulfil our potential, usually one is more important to us, and this leads to certain patterns of behaviour, particular interests, talents and values.

These are brought to life in the temperament framework (related to personality type), which moves us from academic theory to practical relevance. Here’s how:

What are the patterns of behaviour linked to the motivators?

Belonging: Stabliser

We all have a need for belonging and connection with others. People who have this as their top motivator want to do their duty for the group and be responsible. They enjoy being of service. This is known as the Stabiliser motivation pattern.

“I enjoy working with others to get practical, durable results”.

As leaders they like to lead a team that gets results, make processes work, they are good at logistics, and create a planned and orderly environment. They expect others to be responsible, and when they are not, this can cause them stress.

Freedom: Improviser

The second need we share is the need for freedom, to have some choice and control over what we do. People who have freedom as their top motivator like to make an immediate concrete impact, and get impressive quick results. This is known as the Improviser motivation pattern.

“I enjoy solving problems in the moment and seeing immediate results”.

As leaders they like solving problems and using their tactical skills, and they tend to create a fast-moving, fun environment. They expect others to react quickly, and when they don’t, this can cause them stress.

Competence: Theorist

Next, the need for competence, to be good at what you do. People who have the need for competence as their top motivator want to reach mastery and contribute to progress. This is known as the Theorist motivation pattern.

“I enjoy mastering new things and working with experts”.

As leaders they like to solve complex problems with innovative solutions, design new processes, they have strategic skills, ask “why”. They expect others to show initiative and when they don’t, this can cause stress.

Potential: Catalyst

Finally the fourth need we all share is the need to fulfil our potential, like Maslow’s self-actualisation. People who have the need to fulfil potential as their top motivator, want to be authentic and help others be the best they can be. This is known as the Catalyst motivation pattern.

“I like to work in harmony with others to make the world a better place”.

As leaders they create solutions that will help people grow, they are diplomatic and create a caring, harmonious environment. They expect others to collaborate, and when they don’t this can cause them stress.

Summary

We all share all four needs, but usually one is more important to each of us and is the core of our motivation. And it leads to certain patterns of behaviour, interests and talents – it explains why we do what we do….and why we are dissatisfied when we don’t get to do it!  It also explains why we sometimes feel frustrated or stressed by other people who have different top motivators.

The bottom line: We feel motivated and have greater well-being when the goals and activities we are involved in on a day-to-day basis allow us to meet our core needs.

The question: How do you meet your core needs in your work and life at the moment?  If you are not sure, you can find out in my book where there is a quiz and other activities.  Buy it with discount code MTCS25 for 25% off.  You can also take the quiz on my website and get a summary report.  You’ll find it here.

Try it today and change your life!

[1] Ryan, R. and Deci, L. (2000) “Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development and Well Being” American Psychologist Vol 55, No 1, 68-78

 

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Why We Need Purpose

I’m enjoying this summer of sport – after Wimbledon and the men’s football Euros, we now have the Paris Olympics. We’ll see athletes at the peak of their performance, experiencing the extremes of joy and despair and we’ll share their passion and their pain.

What can we learn from sport about how to live our lives? I think there are two key learnings.

• We need purpose in our lives
• The process is more satisfying than the outcome

Purpose

We need a sense of purpose to give our lives meaning – something that makes what we do meaningful, something that makes us want to get out of bed in the morning.

We know that people who retire often “unretire” (ie go back to some form of work or volunteering). Simon Sinek says “fulfilment comes when we live our lives on purpose” and according to neuroscientist Daniel Levitin, “too much time spent with no purpose is associated with unhappiness”.

Process or Outcome?

Athletes, like anyone who works, get their sense of purpose from their daily activity, their sport. But there is a caveat. If you invest too much in the ultimate outcome – winning your race, your match – you can be devastated when you don’t win. It’s more helpful to invest in the process, the goals and targets you set yourself along the way. After all, you can control the process – what you do day to day – but you can’t control whether you win, as that depends on lots of factors outside your control.

Setting yourself process targets – to train, to practice, to improve on your own performance – gives you a sense of purpose and is more helpful to your mental state than focusing on winning. This is the core message of Cath Bishop’s book The Long Win, and as an Olympian, she has had first hand experience.

It’s the same for us non-athletes. Set yourself a vision by all means – this can be motivating – but don’t burden it with all your expectation. Focus instead on how to get there, the steps along the way, and reward yourself for each step.

Fulfilling Your Core Needs

It’s also in the process of doing something that we fulfil our core needs to belong, be competent, and have some freedom. Fulfilling these needs makes our daily activities meaningful and purposeful.

We enjoy doing things that satisfy these needs – having connections with other people (belonging), applying our talents (competence) and having control over what we do (autonomy). When we can’t spend enough time on the things that meet those needs, we feel drained and dissatisfied and in the long run this can lead to poor mental health.

When I get up in the morning, I always feel happier on days when I know I am going to do a mix of things – some work coaching or writing, some activities with others, time with friends and family, and some time outside.   As well as meeting my needs for competence, belonging, and freedom, this mixture also works for maintaining my mental, emotional and physical energy at good levels.  See chapter 17 in How to Get On with Anyone for tips on how to manage your energy.  And there’s a free quiz with tips here.

As you plan your day or your week, ask yourself when and how you will meet your core needs – build in time to spend with others and be part of a group, take the opportunity to use your talents and develop your skills – you will feel both motivated and have greater well-being.

Enjoy the process because that is your life.

For more tips and tools for motivation, purpose and how to maintain your persistence and resilience, dip into my book Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team and Sign up for my monthly newsletter.

 

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Giving Feedback that Works

What’s your intention when you give feedback? And what impact does it have?

Giving and receiving feedback is fraught with difficulty. We are often embarrassed to give it and afraid of receiving it. It taps into our anxieties and fears.

But giving feedback that works is necessary – without feedback there is no change. Think of a darts player wearing a blindfold – if they can’t see the results of their throw, they don’t know how to adjust for the next one.

Feedback is essential for learning and development – and it can bring people closer together, with benefits for our mental and emotional health. The important thing is to have a positive intention when you give feedback – for example to help the other person – and to give it in a way that has a constructive impact on them.

So how can you give and receive feedback in a beneficial way?

What is feedback?

Feedback is giving information on which someone can act, in response to something they have said or done.

In other words, feedback needs to be actionable. Telling someone that they “did a great job” is not feedback, as it is not information on which they can act. It is much more helpful to tell them what was good about what they did. For example, after a presentation, they might have been effective in how they engaged the audience, or answered questions, or structured their presentation, or explained key points.

We often make a distinction between positive feedback and constructive (or negative) feedback. Another distinction is between feedback which is opinion and feedback which is observation. It can be easier to give and receive observational feedback – this is simply an account of what somebody has done or said and the impact it had – whereas your opinion is your personal judgement of whether something was good or bad, and this can be disputed.

Why give feedback?

Feedback is an essential part of learning and when there is no feedback, people find it impossible to sustain good performance. People tend to focus their activity on what they are measured on and what they receive feedback on. If there is no measurement and no feedback, they tend to stop doing the activity, as they get the message that it is not important.

Barriers to Giving Feedback

We often shirk away from giving feedback. Even when it is positive, we tend to find it a bit embarrassing and awkward.
What stops us giving or asking for feedback?

• Fear of hearing something we don’t want to hear, such as criticism
• Fear of how the person we want to give feedback to might react
• Lack of skill in receiving feedback in an open-minded, non-defensive way that leads to learning
• Lack of skill in giving feedback in a constructive, non-judgemental way that leads to a plan for improvement
• Embarrassment at giving or receiving praise

We are not very skilled at receiving feedback either. If someone tells us that we have done something well, we tend to pass over it and move on. But pausing to give or receive feedback is important. It helps us work out what we are good at as well as where we could improve. We take our own talents for granted and assume that everyone shares them. When someone tells us what we have done well, it increases our self-awareness and encourages us to do more of it.

Principles for giving feedback

In a nutshell, there are three steps to giving feedback – describe the Behaviour, its Impact and the desired Change (BIC).
Bear these principles in mind:

• Start with a positive if you can
• Be specific – what did they do or say?
• Give observations, not opinions
• Describe the impact of the behaviour (positive or negative)
• Offer advice
• Own the feedback – it must be your observations, not a report from someone else.

The reason it’s helpful to start with a positive is that the person will not feel threatened or become defensive, if they hear something good first. This enables them to be open to acknowledging where improvements can be made.

Guide to Giving Feedback

Here is a step-by-step model for giving feedback, perhaps after a specific event or incident.

 INDIVIDUAL SHARES STEP 1

What they think they did well

 STEP 3

Ideas on what they would do differently

MANAGER SHARESSTEP 2

What they think the individual did well

 

STEP 4

Advice on what they could do differently

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you regularly adopt this style of giving feedback to your team members, you will find that they start doing it in this format for themselves and you will be creating a learning culture in your team.

There are times when you need to give more negative than positive feedback, because you want someone to change their behaviour or performance.  The format below works well for this:

Describe what you would like them to stop doing (because it’s not effective)Explain what you would like them to start doing (in order to be more effective)Confirm what you would like them to carry on doing (because it’s working well).

Try this out – think of one of your current team members and note what you would like them to stop, start or continue doing.

Stop DoingStart DoingContinue Doing

Giving feedback in this format works because it does not make people feel defensive and it gives them clear guidance on your expectations.  And it ends on a positive note.

By giving feedback that works, you help people to be persistent – a key element of motivation – by building their confidence and self-belief. And this leads to better performance.

Find out more simple tools and practices for managing and motivating people in my book, Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team.  Use code MTCS25 for 25% off until the end of June!   For a simple guide to coaching others, check out this blog.

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Does Choice Make Us Happy?

While on holiday recently, I listened to a few of Michael Mosley’s podcasts – “Just One Thing” – tips to live healthier and happier lives.
He did a special episode on Happiness with Rangan Chatterjee.

Rangan gave five practical tips for living a happy life and I especially liked his tip about choice. While we tend to think of choice as a good thing, too much choice can be stressful.He advised that we could

“simplify life by making fewer decisions and eliminate choice wherever you can”, to avoid ‘micro-stress doses’”.

I love this concept of micro-stress doses – I seem to have a lot of these every day, especially around making decisions.

Some years ago we lived in Egypt for three years and I found in the supermarkets there was far less choice than we are accustomed to in the developed world. If I wanted to buy Cheddar cheese, it was easy – there was just one brand with only one variety. When I came back to the UK, I found myself in a supermarket being completely overwhelmed by the range of Cheddar cheeses on sale and not able to make a decision.

In this episode of Phil Agnew’s Nudge podcast, Phil Agnew discusses evidence that retailers sometimes sell less when there is too much choice. So it’s not always good business either.

My personality style, Synthesiser, means I like to consider all options before making decisions, to ensure I get the best result. But this can be time-consuming and isn’t always necessary. And it can cause stress, not only for me when I can’t make up my mind, but also for the people around me.

Sometimes I wish I was more like the Mobiliser, who can make quick decisions without thinking through all the options.

What’s your approach to making decisions? And how do you avoid being overwhelmed by too much choice?

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Which Animal Fits You?

I like being in the natural world and watching wildlife. Behaviour (human and animal) fascinates me. We can sometimes use animal characteristics to understand human behaviour. Here are four animals – and their behaviours – that illuminate our understanding of ourselves and others.

The Beaver Motivation – Stabiliser

Do you have strong sense of duty? Are you described by others as reliable and responsible? If so, you may have the Stabiliser motivation pattern. Your top motivator could be the need to belong to a group.

While we all share the need to belong, people with the Stabiliser motivation pattern are especially motivated by belonging. They have a strong drive to do their duty to the groups to which they belong.

The animal metaphor for this pattern is the beaver. They are hard-working animals who cut down vegetation to construct dams and build lodges for their families.

These characteristics of working hard to protect your family, to create firm foundations, acting to reduce risk and wanting to belong to a community, are typical of people with the Stabiliser motivation pattern. Is this you?

The Fox Motivation – Improviser

Do you like to be noticed and make an impact? Are you described by others as adaptable and lively? If so, you may have the Improviser motivation pattern. Your top motivator could be the need for freedom to act.

While we all share the need for freedom, people with the Improviser motivation pattern are especially motivated by autonomy. They have a strong drive to get impressive quick results.

The animal metaphor for this pattern is the fox. They are resourceful and adaptable, quick thinking and fast acting. They are very attuned to their environment, able to spot and take any opportunities that arise. They look sleek and well-groomed.

These characteristics represent the Improviser’s desire to have an impact and be impressive in the moment. Is this you?

The Owl Motivation – Theorist

Do you like to learn and be an expert? Are you described by others as analytical and innovative? If so, you may have the Theorist motivation pattern. Your top motivator could be the need for competence.

While we all share the need to be competent, people with the Theorist motivation pattern are especially motivated by competence. They have a strong drive to contribute to progress.

The animal metaphor for this pattern is the owl. They traditionally symbolise wisdom. Owls can turn their heads almost to 360 degrees and so are able to take in a wide perspective. They have excellent night vision and can pinpoint their prey and zoom in on them.

These characteristics of owls represent the ability of Theorists to take in the big picture and to home in on the salient points or principles, to get to the core of the topic and the most important points. Is this you?

The Dolphin Motivation – Catalyst

Do you like to make a difference for people? Are you described by others as imaginative and empathetic? If so, you may have the Catalyst motivation pattern. Your top motivator could be the need to fulfil potential.

While we all share the need to fulfil potential, people with the Catalyst motivation pattern are especially motivated by helping others to aspire. They have a strong drive for purpose and meaning.

The animal metaphor for this pattern is the dolphin. They are sociable and playful and have advanced forms of communication. They look after each other when one is injured, and they have also been known to help humans. Dolphins appear in Greek myths as a benevolent animal, a good omen for sailors.

These characteristics of dolphins represent the Catalysts’ desire to connect with others, to communicate and collaborate for the greater good and to show empathy towards others. Is this you?

So What?

Knowing your motivation means you can manage your life to do more of what energises you and less of what drains you. You can make choices about your life and career that fit with who you really are. Read more about the top motivators and their impact on your life here.

You can find detailed personalised tips in my book (Motivation: the Ultimate Guide) on what inspires you with a sense of purpose, and helps you persist and be resilient. Buy it now from Routledge with discount code MTCS25 for 25% off, valid until the end of June.

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Let your body decide!

Laura Kenny’s decision this week to retire from cycling rather than train for the Paris Olympics, is a great example of listening to what your body is telling you. Laura describes how:

“I just kept getting this horrible feeling in my tummy….when I started getting these gut-wrenching feelings I thought: ‘That’s it. Decision made for me.’”

Our bodies are a wonderful resource. They help us make the big decisions. We usually think we make decisions rationally, weighing up pros and cons, but there is plenty of evidence that emotions play a role too. Our bodies connect us to our emotions, opening up our self-awareness, giving us insights that help us make decisions.

Neuroscientists agree that emotions and thinking are ‘completely intertwined’¹. Emotions provide us with information and insight that is necessary for decision-making. They show us what we care about. Laura’s emotions, experienced through her body, told her what she most cared about and what she needed to do.

When I was in my 20s, with a good corporate career, I tried to analyse whether I wanted to have children and concluded that there were plenty of reasons not to. But my gut feeling told me the answer: yes. And it was absolutely the right decision.

It takes courage to make decisions like Laura has – to walk away from something that you have done all your life. She won’t regret it. She’s already talking about what role she might play in the sport in the future, which gives her a sense of purpose, alongside her desire to spend more time with her family. Her body, mind and spirit are aligned.

How aligned do you feel?  Are you spending enough time on the things that give you a sense of meaning and purpose?  How in tune are you with what your body tells you?

Take my motivation quiz to find out what motivates you.  Or try my SPICE quiz to work out how to get your life back into balance.  And dip into my books, How to Get On with Anyone and Motivation: The Ultimate Guide to Leading Your Team.

¹ Sigal Barsade, Prof of Management, Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania on BBC Radio 4 ‘In the Balance – EI and Business’, January 2014

 

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