Jessica Wildfire's Blog, page 440

I think our license plate is just a picture of Homer Simpson.

I think our license plate is just a picture of Homer Simpson.

I agree with all of this.

I agree with all of this. To add, I’ve started to break the old stereotypes of “effective teaching” in two. These days, effective classrooms are flipped, and textbooks are short, online, and free. You can’t run a lecture or discussion like you used to, if that ever really worked. I think it was always a myth.

Yes, this. Every single day. I love it!

Yes, this. Every single day. I love it!

Glad you enjoyed. ;)

Glad you enjoyed. ;)

Do you think it’s better without the tag note? I hate having to explain my satire. :D

Do you think it’s better without the tag note? I hate having to explain my satire. :D

How to get rich quick from sexual harassment

M y friend Miranda texted me the other night with a genius idea. Let’s take down our boss and make a fortune, she said. How? Accuse him of sexual harassment. With everything going on, people are bound to believe us. The settlement will be huge.

That’s the only reason women come forward for stuff like that. It has nothing to do with justice or feminism. I don’t even know what feminism means. We want the cash, or maybe we just don’t like you. Attention. Fame. A book deal. If you coordinate things just so, then you can have it all.

Why else would we accuse someone of that?

Don’t just go to HR when your boss grabs your ass, like the amateurs do. Wait. Save it. Bank that harassment for a rainy day.

Let’s say you’re about to get fired for some other reason, or you just get tired of your job and want to retire now. Plan carefully, and make sure you’ve accrued enough sexual harassment so the interest is worth something. I’ll show you how to make the most from your sexual harassment crisis — even if you’re just exaggerating or completely fabricating evidence. You’ll be swimming through money like Scrooge McDuck.

You probably think I’m a terrible person. Hey, our boss deserves some bad luck for a change. Have you met this guy?

For starters, he has the most irritating name. Ralph. If that weren’t bad enough, he corrects everyone on the pronunciation. “The a is long, the l silent.” Every time I hear him explain it like that, with such condescending pretense, it makes me want to punch him in the throat.

Everyone hates Ralph. Well, not everyone. His wife and children seem to like him. And he gets along well with people at company retreats. And his social calendar always seems full.

But seriously, the rest of us hate him.

Sure, he’s smart and attractive. Hardworking. Respectful. Some people describe Ralph as “funny” and “charming.” But he’s never promoted us. And that’s not cool.

Who’s us? Me and four other women who’ve worked at the company for, like, an entire year. All we got was a bonus and a modest raise for our hard work. Last month, I brought in a huge new client. What did Ralph do? Sure, he shook my hand and told me congratulations. He wrote a little article on me for the company newsletter. That’s it? I call bullshit. By now I was expecting a promotion to VP or something.

Miranda and I met for drinks last night and hashed out our time table. We invited three other girls to join our conspiracy. That makes five of us total. Everyone knows that five is the minimum number for a convincing scandal. Anything less, and you’re not even serious.

Last year, three girls filed HR complaints against a different manager, their regional supervisor. He also had an irritating name. Dennis.

What happened to those girls? They got fired. Dumb bitches. Miranda and I laughed so hard. After all, we’d volunteered to join their case and mentor them. But their ringleader, Molly, refused.

Molly gave the stupidest reason. She forced me to acknowledge that I’d never met her boss except once over Skype. “You can’t sexually harassment someone over Skype,” she insisted. Whatever. I could totally make that work. Verbal harassment, inappropriate eye contact. Sex jokes.

Anyway, I did my best to coach Molly. For example, I told her she only had three accusers, and no hotties. She needed to recruit a hottie.

Seriously, nobody in her group scored above a seven. You need at least one chick who rates a 9 or above. Otherwise, nobody will pay attention. The biggest payouts happen when you’ve got someone like Megyn Kelly on your side. I’m basically the Megyn Kelly of our firm.

Molly refused, on ethical grounds. Hah.

So now it’s our turn. My team’s going to show Molly how it’s done. We’ve established a killer strategy. Every Monday, one of us will come forward with a well-crafted and perfectly timed accusation.

See, you have to start big to catch people’s attention. So Miranda’s going to lead with a story about how Ralph cornered her in the office one late night and tried to convince her to smoke weed and watch porn on his office computer. When she said no, he offered to do a striptease and then chased her around the cubicles with his belt, yelling “yippy ki yay!”

Three days later, we’ll have the other two girls come forward with stories about Ralph sending them GIFs of himself masturbating. Lydia has the best story here. She’s going to tell local reporters that Ralph accosted her in the women’s bathroom and tried to pee on her shoes.

I’m the penultimate accuser. I’ll write a long blog post and make a YouTube video describing how Ralph asked me out on a date five times. After my fifth no, he started leaving dildos in my office drawers with little post-it notes. One time, he left me a large chocolate mold impression of his penis.

Agnes will be our lynch pin. She’s near retirement, and could use a little boost to her pension. She’ll say Ralph groped her at a fundraiser 12 years ago.

Every sexual harassment scandal needs at least one that goes back a decade. We’re pretty sure Ralph hadn’t graduated college yet. But that’s fine. If anyone looks into that, we’ll accuse them of sexual assault too.

Yep, a legit gripe.

Yep, a legit gripe. The snapchat filters are fun, but why use them on a dating app? Maybe they have reasons. But I can’t think of any…

Thanks! Sure is a lot of fun being on Medium ;)

Thanks! Sure is a lot of fun being on Medium ;)

I feel like the kittens are a metaphor for something. Just not sure what….. ;p

I feel like the kittens are a metaphor for something. Just not sure what….. ;p

Dam, that’s spot on!

Dam, that’s spot on! It would be almost refreshing if the next one actually said what they were really thinking…