Jessica Wildfire's Blog, page 439

Does the world allow you a vacation after you finish, or at least some wine? Rock on!

Does the world allow you a vacation after you finish, or at least some wine? Rock on!

My application for the 2018 Darwin awards

I’m thrilled to submit my application for the 2018 Darwin Awards. My boyfriend says I stand a good chance this time. Last year I bathed with my iPhone every night, but nothing happened. Why? Turns out you have to charge your phone during the bath, and then actually drop it in the water. Don’t worry, I’m doing things right this time. Fingers crossed.

Winning a Darwin award would mean so much. My parents stopped talking to me recently. They think I’m a lost cause. I’ve never won anything. And my Instagram following hasn’t made any money yet, but Guy Fieri did like a selfie of me eating a cheeseburger yesterday.

So that’s something.

Honestly, it was my boyfriend’s burger. Not mine. I just took one bite for the pic and then spit it out. He got kind of mad at me about that. Oh, well. He wants me to stay thin, right?

Anyway, the Darwin awards. It’s such a great idea. An award for the regular people. Something the liberal elite can’t snatch away.

I’ve just been happy for my honorable mentions over the past six years. Like that time I almost got hit by a car because I was reshuffling my workout mix and fell into the street. Don’t ask. Okay, I’ll tell you. I was angry at something Katy Perry tweeted and decided to demote her in my playlist. It was a matter of personal integrity.

And then there’s the time my friends and I tried to backpack the entire Appalachian Trail one weekend.

Seriously, we had no idea the trail was that long. Who makes a trail that goes on for hundreds of miles, with no Starbucks or even a charging station? I’m not even joking. That’s ridiculous.

We ran out of food after Stacy ate the last oatmeal bar, and our smartphones all died because we kept taking selfies of each other. But we kept hiking until nightfall. Can you believe how dark it gets at night out in the woods? We couldn’t even see anything.

We learned a valuable lesson, that Google Maps doesn’t work on an empty battery. The state park officials told us that it’s not that helpful for hiking anyway.

Can you believe nobody’s put the trails on Google Earth?

Lame.

Anyway, me and Jennifer got hypothermia. That marked my first honorable mention on the Darwin Awards website. We were so excited. I took a screenshot and made it my Instagram header. It felt so great for someone to show me a little recognition once in my life.

Ever since then, I’ve been determined to win one of their prestigious plaques.

You do get a plaque, right?

I love plaques. They’re just the best. My dad has five over the fireplace. My brother has six. They won’t share. I even tried to compromise. “Just engrave my name under yours on one of them,” I begged. “Please? I’ll have sex with you.” But then I remembered he was my brother.

Nope.

So selfish.

My friend Stephanie won a Darwin award last year. She did her own plastic surgery with a hobby kit from Wal-Mart and developed an infection. So jealous.

I’m trying a bunch of strategies this season. For starters, I’ll see if I can float by swallowing an entire tank of helium. If that doesn’t work, at least I’ll have permanent chipmunk voice.

Next I’ll try to ride a tiger at the zoo. I know a guy who works there. He said he’ll let me into any exhibit if I have sex with him. Totally worth it.

My backup plan is drunk gymnastics on the ledge of my apartment while my friends take selfies with the flash on.

My favorite Darwin winner? It’s a tie. On the one hand, I admire the guy who buried himself alive as a prank, but forgot to tell anyone first. But I also have mad respect for the girl who tried to make a flaming dress for Halloween, like the one from the Hunger Games. They’ve gone down in history. People will always remember them. So special.

Thanks, and you too!

Thanks, and you too! We have a cat who always partakes in Thanksgiving. Now we live far enough away that there’s actually an excuse to stay in town. :D

Precisely.

Precisely. It seems like a lot of self-help columns and books present a distorted view of improvement. Usually, you don’t have to change a whole lot to pursue your goals. You just have to make some smart decisions, prioritize, and manage your expectations.

Excellent advice.

Excellent advice. Only recently have I heard some freelancers admit that a winning streak can be followed by weeks of drought. You just have to write regularly (4–5 times a week), know when to rest your mind, and manage your doubt. The things that sound the easiest are often the hardest.

This was spot on.

This was spot on. My mom was a real piece of work. It’s like she read a parenting manual and then said, “I’m going to do the exact opposite of this.” I spent most of my 20s unlearning everything she taught me. I hope some bad parents have the presence of mind to respond to advice and realize what they’re doing when someone calls them out.

Woah. Lesbians, atheists, and feminists all have to pay double taxes to make up for the damage they…

Woah. Lesbians, atheists, and feminists all have to pay double taxes to make up for the damage they do to the fabric of our culture!

TurboTax under Trump

Were you married for the year 2018?

Wait a minute. You’re a woman. Error 404. Please have your husband fill out this form.

2. Did you make money in other states?

That’s nice. President Trump makes money from states and countries all over the world. Enter your piddly little income below.

3. Do you have children or financially support another person?

That’s too bad. You should never let anyone else take advantage of you like that. Make them get a job and carry their weight. Unless you’re supporting your wife, in which case encourage her to start her own clothing or jewelry or fragrance line — the only acceptable forms of employment for women. Trust us on this one.

4. Do you have any income and expenses for a business in 2018?

We love small business owners. But Obama hates them. He passed a law that forbids anyone from giving them tax breaks for the next hundred years. Do you want his home address? We could make that happen for a small donation to Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. How much should you give? That depends on how bad you want the address…

5. Let’s take a look at your W-2 Forms.

Please wait….please wait….please wait….wow that was hilarious. You don’t even make $100K. You should seriously evaluate your career choices.

6. Did you earn income outside the U.S.?

You just entered yes. You’d better not have earned any money from Mexico, Canada, Britain, Jordan, Afghanistan, Yemen, Iraq, or Iran. Or Cuba. Oh, you earned income from Russia. Well, never mind. You get a full refund.

7. Do you have any unreported tips?

Well, well, well, a little waitress working her way through college. That’s cute, honey. We’ll just rake 20 percent off the top of those tips and you can go back to refilling drinks. Some free career advice: get outta the food industry. The real tips happen in strip clubs.

8. Do you have any other W-2s?

So you have to work two jobs to make ends meet, huh? That’s pathetic. Dual income homes are just the worst. We’ve already made our position clear on working spouses. Enter your information. Just don’t expect any special favors. Some of us applied ourselves, and we got a good job that pays enough so we don’t have to beg for work other places.

9. Did you receive unemployment and/or paid family leave?

Fork it over, you shiftless parasite. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. We floated you while you dragged your sorry ass around town looking for a job. Now it’s time to settle up.

10. Did you receive any retirement income for 2018?

We’re going to need half of that back. Sorry, grandpa. It’s not our fault. Your Instagram-loving, millennial grand-daughter blew our budget on hurricane-colored lipstick. Don’t ask. It’s all too complicated for you to understand. But it’s all her fault. She really sunk us with her spending habits.

11. Did you pay alimony in the year 2018?

We’re sorry to hear that. Don’t worry, bro. That bitch is going to repay you. We’ll deduct funds straight from her bank account and transfer it back. She probably cheated on you, right? Kid probably isn’t even yours. We completely understand. We’re making America great again.

12. Did you have any gambling winnings for the year 2018?

That’s awesome! Keep it. Visit Trump Casinos, and we’ll credit you some drink specials. Maybe hook you up with an escort. So much fun. So. Much.

13. Would you like to report any home buyer credit?

Your new home doesn’t even have a swimming pool. No deal. Some free advice: put in a pool, a sauna, a steam room, and a home movie theater. Then we’ll talk about tax breaks.

14. Are you employed as a teacher at a public institution?

Your parents told you not to become a teacher. But you didn’t listen. Now look at you. Sad! When the school voucher program finally happens, you’ll be out of a job. Just quit now and apply to Target or someplace.

15. Did you pay any money out of pocket for school supplies?

That’s even worse. You really think we’ll give you a break because you bought some crayons and construction paper? Don’t make us laugh.

16. What type of health insurance did you have?

We actually only care if you were covered by the ACA? If that’s the case, then you owe us $1,000.00. Too bad. Take it up with Obama. You know that guy’s not even a U.S. citizen, right?

17. Were you a student during the year 2018?

College is for losers. Sorry, let me clarify. Public college is for losers. You don’t even stand a chance. Go meet up with your teacher and ask for a job at McDonald’s.

18. Did you spend money on textbooks?

Nobody ever got anywhere in life by reading textbooks. Do you think Donald Trump ever read a textbook? Nope! Your best chance at a “refund” is at the college bookstore. Good luck with that.

19. Did you pay any student loans for the year 2018?

So you couldn’t even afford to pay your own tuition. Okay. Here’s a tip: Don’t spend money you don’t have. If someone like Sallie Mae tries to convince you that college is for everyone, well…hang on. We want to support huge corporations but….wait…error…we want you to support a huge corporation but….we…wait…error…page failed to load. Have you updated your web browser? Oh, here we go, you didn’t update your Flash Player! You idiot, everyone knows Flash is required to use Turbo Tax. Sorry, your tax return is voided. Please report to the IRS. Wait. We disbanded the IRS because we hate taxes. Wait…Error….Loading… Balance the Budget…. Failed to Load….Budget…. 00000014441044

100010001111000001010100000000001444040111040100411000040101040010040100111004040101000410410140100400101040100…..

It’s funny, but also slightly true! Thanks for reading. :)

It’s funny, but also slightly true! Thanks for reading. :)

10 strategies to win big on Black Friday

Source: Tithi Luadthong

Nothing screams family like herding your loved ones into the bitter cold at 4 am and camping outside Wal-Mart for 12 hours. But don’t forget your true mission. Acquire plastic. Save $12 on a flat screen TV. Beat up an old woman. Sink your teeth into the forearm of a 12-year-old as you battle for the last BB-8 Lego set. Knee a dad in the nuts. Kick his wife in the ovaries. Rip that Barbie Enchanted Dream Pony from her arms. Taste her tears.

They say it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Are they kidding? That’s always the best part of Black Friday.

In order to succeed, you need a clear strategy. Never go into Black Friday without a plan. Unless you want to end your shopping excursion in the emergency room. Here’s some pro tips:

Forget the traditional Thanksgiving meal. Cooking all that food drains valuable time from drafting your battle tactics. Plus, you want to stay thin and light-footed for your assault on the electronics section. Instead, stock up on MREs.Establish your base camp Wednesday night. Pitch a tent by the dumpsters and stash your meals and water supply there.Bring toilet paper so you and your family can do your business in the bushes after normal business hours.Consider joining forces with one or two other families. You can cover up to three times the territory and split the booty later. Think about it. Your neighbor’s son plays football. He could easily knock down three or four dads and carry out two flat screen TVs in each arm.Buy a small drone equipped with a camera and GPS. Hide it in the book section, and then launch it for a reconnaissance mission early Thursday morning. That way, you’ll know the exact location of everything you want. You can forward images and maps to your team.Go all out with war paint. I’m not talking camouflage. Make your family look terrifying, like they’ve just eaten someone alive. You could all wear matching Pennywise masks. Nobody would screw with you.You can’t bring weapons into stores. And you don’t want to risk getting in trouble with pepper spray. But last time I checked, growling was still legal. Practice your growl. Make it guttural. Add some snarl.Invest in night vision goggles. Recruit an IT guy to hack into the store’s network and shut off their electricity. While everyone else is flailing about in darkness, your family will pillage without mercy. You can also punch as many people as you want, without consequence.Protect yourself. Bring riot gear for everyone in your raiding party. Call it an early Christmas present. You’ll enter the chaos with confidence, knowing that nobody can thwart you with a simple blast of pepper spray. You’re now immune to most forms of attack.Decoys. You can use last year’s electronics boxes to distract ravenous shoppers. Is that soccer mom about to grab the last Samsung tablet? Throw an iPhone box at her and shout in fake terror, “Oh, no! My iPhone X!” She’ll instinctively drop everything she’s holding and make a dive for it, giving you just enough time to swoop in and intercept.

With any luck, you’ll emerge victorious. No more Christmas shopping for you. Everyone in your family got everything they wanted in the span of a few hours, for a few dollars less. The best thing? They’ll be too busy playing with their new electronics to bother you with anything. My last piece of advice: Drive home immediately. You might think you’re safe when you leave the store. You’re not. Black Friday is a mad world.