Ruby Fitzgerald's Blog - Posts Tagged "pressure"

There’s always a deadline to meet, bills to pay, people to talk to, errands to run, things that need fixing, schedules colliding, phones ringing, emails buzzing, it's enough to drive you crazy. On top of that there's always opinions to balance and emotions to process. Always. Every day. That’s true as a person, but also as a writer. Writer’s block is totally and completely a real thing. But it’s just a side effect of feeling pressured. My brain isn’t broken, and 'I'm never going to write again’, isn't ever true.

Just like having a bad day… it’s just one day. You’ll get up again in the morning and start fresh. It's not about the morning being fresh, or the day holding the promise of hope - it's about you, and your perspective. The choice is finding the hope of a new day, it's not easy, but after awhile, and a lot of discipline, it starts to work. Right? I know reading this you understand what I'm saying, it works for almost any habit.

I have stressed myself out over and over again because I take on too much, forget to take care of my inner self, and try to do too many things at the same time. Because of this, I’ve slowly realized that there’s never enough time, energy, or attention to make life—or a story—perfect. At least not all at once. Enjoy life instead of treating it like a duty. I know negativity hovers around us, bad things happen, stress and strain is unavoidable. I also get that it’s often hard not to linger in the past, but it’s always served me best to take the lessons I’ve learned and mistakes I’ve made, and file them away. It’s so much better for the mind and heart to instead focus on the present and the future full-heartedly. Life is exhausting. We all know that.

The key is the freedom to feel. Let yourself momentarily freak out, worry, get overwhelmed, then take a deep breath and keep going. The farther you go, the more you learn, and it's the learning that leads to understanding, and that leads to hope.

Anxiety wakes me up at 4:13 in the morning and reminds me of everything I have to do "in the morning." Anxiety keeps telling me my list of to-dos over and over again until suddenly it is "in the morning" and I have not yet gone back to sleep. Anxiety makes me want to weep when my alarm clock sounds, it makes me frazzled and shaky when my routine is thrown off. Anxiety makes my chest seize and my thoughts race when my phone rings or even so much as buzzes more than twice in a row. Anxiety tells me I'm too fidgety with untamed energy to sit still but also too tired to sit up. Anxiety makes me lay on the cold floor of my bathroom long after the steam of my shower has evaporated, staring into space, memories and made-up conversations warring in my head.

Anxiety makes me realize at 4:13 in the afternoon that is indeed "afternoon" and I have not yet eaten. Anxiety tells me I am broken but, it tells me no one will care that I am hurting, no one will answer if I call for help, and no one will believe me if I admit that I am broken. Anxiety makes my voice shake when I meet someone new, makes me pop my knuckles and bite my nails when I talk to someone I want to impress, and makes me too scared to stand up for myself when I am angry. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough and never will be. Anxiety tells me everyone is judging me.

Anxiety keeps me up until 4:13 in the morning, even though "morning" simply becomes early passed late. Anxiety keeps me lost, drowning, stuck in my own head, waiting for the sun to rise again. Anxiety makes me acutely aware of every detail of my day and night. Anxiety makes itself comfortable in my bed, yet not so comfortable as to let me lay in peaceful slumber along side it. Anxiety thinks it is powerful, thinks it is resilient... and it is.

But so am I, and so are you.