Ruby Fitzgerald's Blog - Posts Tagged "health"
It's 4:13 again...
Anxiety wakes me up at 4:13 in the morning and reminds me of everything I have to do "in the morning." Anxiety keeps telling me my list of to-dos over and over again until suddenly it is "in the morning" and I have not yet gone back to sleep. Anxiety makes me want to weep when my alarm clock sounds, it makes me frazzled and shaky when my routine is thrown off. Anxiety makes my chest seize and my thoughts race when my phone rings or even so much as buzzes more than twice in a row. Anxiety tells me I'm too fidgety with untamed energy to sit still but also too tired to sit up. Anxiety makes me lay on the cold floor of my bathroom long after the steam of my shower has evaporated, staring into space, memories and made-up conversations warring in my head.
Anxiety makes me realize at 4:13 in the afternoon that is indeed "afternoon" and I have not yet eaten. Anxiety tells me I am broken but, it tells me no one will care that I am hurting, no one will answer if I call for help, and no one will believe me if I admit that I am broken. Anxiety makes my voice shake when I meet someone new, makes me pop my knuckles and bite my nails when I talk to someone I want to impress, and makes me too scared to stand up for myself when I am angry. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough and never will be. Anxiety tells me everyone is judging me.
Anxiety keeps me up until 4:13 in the morning, even though "morning" simply becomes early passed late. Anxiety keeps me lost, drowning, stuck in my own head, waiting for the sun to rise again. Anxiety makes me acutely aware of every detail of my day and night. Anxiety makes itself comfortable in my bed, yet not so comfortable as to let me lay in peaceful slumber along side it. Anxiety thinks it is powerful, thinks it is resilient... and it is.
But so am I, and so are you.
Anxiety makes me realize at 4:13 in the afternoon that is indeed "afternoon" and I have not yet eaten. Anxiety tells me I am broken but, it tells me no one will care that I am hurting, no one will answer if I call for help, and no one will believe me if I admit that I am broken. Anxiety makes my voice shake when I meet someone new, makes me pop my knuckles and bite my nails when I talk to someone I want to impress, and makes me too scared to stand up for myself when I am angry. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough and never will be. Anxiety tells me everyone is judging me.
Anxiety keeps me up until 4:13 in the morning, even though "morning" simply becomes early passed late. Anxiety keeps me lost, drowning, stuck in my own head, waiting for the sun to rise again. Anxiety makes me acutely aware of every detail of my day and night. Anxiety makes itself comfortable in my bed, yet not so comfortable as to let me lay in peaceful slumber along side it. Anxiety thinks it is powerful, thinks it is resilient... and it is.
But so am I, and so are you.
Perfect isn't Perfect
Perfection is an infuriating concept to me. 'Perfect' is based on preference and opinion. When we 'strive for perfection', whose perfection are we aiming for?
My idea of self perfection is mental and emotional stability, physical health and strength, a home to return to after a day spent working on something I truly care about, and some friends and family to talk to and enjoy time with. But perhaps your perfect is more specific? More focused on gain? Less interested in home and more on travel? Who knows. There are a thousand variants of what perfect looks like! The reason I bring this up is that my fear - a lot having to do with the power of social media - is that people have begun to ignore their own sense of good and right in exchange for what the world tells us is perfect.
So I ask of you, when you're flipping through the pages of a magazine or scrolling through your IG feed on your phone, be aware of what's influencing you, and why. Are you being encouraged to be the best version of yourself or are you simply being influenced to buy more, diet more, and fear more, all in the pursuit of airbrushed, money-hungry, impossible so-called perfection?
You are so strong. You're living in a world over-saturated with people, opinions, influences (both bad and good), options, offers, and standards and yet there you are... your own self, in a sea of others. You like the color turquoise, but not turquoise jewelry, you've re-read Harry Potter eight times, you put brown sugar in your tea, and you're scared of moths. You say y'all but you're not from the south, you put ranch on your pizza, you never wear matching socks and your ponytail always leans to the left. You are you, apologetically so. And that, to me is perfect. Are you content with your life? Are you health? Can you make a friend smile when they're having a bad day? Yes? Then you have no need for the stress, the pressure, the anxiety that I know comes from wanting to do and be everything perfect.
Perfect isn't possible. Not the perfect that advertisements and get-rich-quick scams talk about. That perfect will drive you mad with insecurity, anger, and worry. That perfect will tear the beauty - your unique beauty - right out of your being. I say to you, let us see the struggle and the sad, because it will make us value the happy and the strong. Be true to who you are and who you want to be, keep fighting for health and happiness, keep loving those around you, keep loving yourself. That, in my eyes, is as perfect as perfect can be.
My idea of self perfection is mental and emotional stability, physical health and strength, a home to return to after a day spent working on something I truly care about, and some friends and family to talk to and enjoy time with. But perhaps your perfect is more specific? More focused on gain? Less interested in home and more on travel? Who knows. There are a thousand variants of what perfect looks like! The reason I bring this up is that my fear - a lot having to do with the power of social media - is that people have begun to ignore their own sense of good and right in exchange for what the world tells us is perfect.
So I ask of you, when you're flipping through the pages of a magazine or scrolling through your IG feed on your phone, be aware of what's influencing you, and why. Are you being encouraged to be the best version of yourself or are you simply being influenced to buy more, diet more, and fear more, all in the pursuit of airbrushed, money-hungry, impossible so-called perfection?
You are so strong. You're living in a world over-saturated with people, opinions, influences (both bad and good), options, offers, and standards and yet there you are... your own self, in a sea of others. You like the color turquoise, but not turquoise jewelry, you've re-read Harry Potter eight times, you put brown sugar in your tea, and you're scared of moths. You say y'all but you're not from the south, you put ranch on your pizza, you never wear matching socks and your ponytail always leans to the left. You are you, apologetically so. And that, to me is perfect. Are you content with your life? Are you health? Can you make a friend smile when they're having a bad day? Yes? Then you have no need for the stress, the pressure, the anxiety that I know comes from wanting to do and be everything perfect.
Perfect isn't possible. Not the perfect that advertisements and get-rich-quick scams talk about. That perfect will drive you mad with insecurity, anger, and worry. That perfect will tear the beauty - your unique beauty - right out of your being. I say to you, let us see the struggle and the sad, because it will make us value the happy and the strong. Be true to who you are and who you want to be, keep fighting for health and happiness, keep loving those around you, keep loving yourself. That, in my eyes, is as perfect as perfect can be.
The Journey Isn't Futile
The drugs that save us and the drugs that hurt us are sometimes one and the same.
Getting better from a mental illness isn’t a straightforward process. Doctors and modern medicine can help out enormously ... Can give relief, can lift moods, can solve a multitude of problems. However, they’re not infallible. Sometimes the medication for anxiety can cause depression. Sometimes the side effects of a subscription can be worse than the original problem, or even have the opposite affect of the intended. We have set remedies and prescriptions for common illnesses but not for mental illnesses. Not really. In the U.S., approximately the same number of people fall sick with the flu each year as the number of people who suffer from a mental illness each year. And yet there is no cure. And perhaps never will be. Why? Because we all suffer differently and therefor all heal differently. Which is why I say, find what’s right for you. Get involved in your own treatment. Ask questions, do research. Explore different options.
I know the MASSIVE benefits of modern medicine, but I’ve also become more and more open to alternative healing methods. Acupuncture, massage, energy work, cupping, herbal treatments, diets, counseling, hypnosis, exercise, aroma therapy, meditation, etc. Why not give it go?! What do you have to lose? Your brain is ill, your heart is heavy, and all you want in the world is to get better.
For me personally, massage is great; it keeps a lot of the more severe muscle aches at bay. Acupuncture has worked wonders for my anxiety and sleep issues. Various supplements, prescriptions, and herbs have lessened the symptoms of my depression. Still though, I’m acutely aware of the fact that what works this week may not work next week. And what works this year is vastly, vastly different than what worked for me a few years ago.
It’s hard sometimes not to lose hope when a treatment that was previously working no longer does. It’s easy to think you’ll never be better, you’ll never be normal, or healthy, or functional. But just because the journey toward health is long and bumpy, doesn’t mean its futile. Take even one peaceful day, one beneficial treatment, or one genuine smile as a success. Believe that ‘better’ is attainable even if ‘cured’ isn’t. Remember that shit days happens, but so do great ones.
Getting better from a mental illness isn’t a straightforward process. Doctors and modern medicine can help out enormously ... Can give relief, can lift moods, can solve a multitude of problems. However, they’re not infallible. Sometimes the medication for anxiety can cause depression. Sometimes the side effects of a subscription can be worse than the original problem, or even have the opposite affect of the intended. We have set remedies and prescriptions for common illnesses but not for mental illnesses. Not really. In the U.S., approximately the same number of people fall sick with the flu each year as the number of people who suffer from a mental illness each year. And yet there is no cure. And perhaps never will be. Why? Because we all suffer differently and therefor all heal differently. Which is why I say, find what’s right for you. Get involved in your own treatment. Ask questions, do research. Explore different options.
I know the MASSIVE benefits of modern medicine, but I’ve also become more and more open to alternative healing methods. Acupuncture, massage, energy work, cupping, herbal treatments, diets, counseling, hypnosis, exercise, aroma therapy, meditation, etc. Why not give it go?! What do you have to lose? Your brain is ill, your heart is heavy, and all you want in the world is to get better.
For me personally, massage is great; it keeps a lot of the more severe muscle aches at bay. Acupuncture has worked wonders for my anxiety and sleep issues. Various supplements, prescriptions, and herbs have lessened the symptoms of my depression. Still though, I’m acutely aware of the fact that what works this week may not work next week. And what works this year is vastly, vastly different than what worked for me a few years ago.
It’s hard sometimes not to lose hope when a treatment that was previously working no longer does. It’s easy to think you’ll never be better, you’ll never be normal, or healthy, or functional. But just because the journey toward health is long and bumpy, doesn’t mean its futile. Take even one peaceful day, one beneficial treatment, or one genuine smile as a success. Believe that ‘better’ is attainable even if ‘cured’ isn’t. Remember that shit days happens, but so do great ones.
