Ruby Fitzgerald's Blog - Posts Tagged "anxiety"
It's 4:13 again...
Anxiety wakes me up at 4:13 in the morning and reminds me of everything I have to do "in the morning." Anxiety keeps telling me my list of to-dos over and over again until suddenly it is "in the morning" and I have not yet gone back to sleep. Anxiety makes me want to weep when my alarm clock sounds, it makes me frazzled and shaky when my routine is thrown off. Anxiety makes my chest seize and my thoughts race when my phone rings or even so much as buzzes more than twice in a row. Anxiety tells me I'm too fidgety with untamed energy to sit still but also too tired to sit up. Anxiety makes me lay on the cold floor of my bathroom long after the steam of my shower has evaporated, staring into space, memories and made-up conversations warring in my head.
Anxiety makes me realize at 4:13 in the afternoon that is indeed "afternoon" and I have not yet eaten. Anxiety tells me I am broken but, it tells me no one will care that I am hurting, no one will answer if I call for help, and no one will believe me if I admit that I am broken. Anxiety makes my voice shake when I meet someone new, makes me pop my knuckles and bite my nails when I talk to someone I want to impress, and makes me too scared to stand up for myself when I am angry. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough and never will be. Anxiety tells me everyone is judging me.
Anxiety keeps me up until 4:13 in the morning, even though "morning" simply becomes early passed late. Anxiety keeps me lost, drowning, stuck in my own head, waiting for the sun to rise again. Anxiety makes me acutely aware of every detail of my day and night. Anxiety makes itself comfortable in my bed, yet not so comfortable as to let me lay in peaceful slumber along side it. Anxiety thinks it is powerful, thinks it is resilient... and it is.
But so am I, and so are you.
Anxiety makes me realize at 4:13 in the afternoon that is indeed "afternoon" and I have not yet eaten. Anxiety tells me I am broken but, it tells me no one will care that I am hurting, no one will answer if I call for help, and no one will believe me if I admit that I am broken. Anxiety makes my voice shake when I meet someone new, makes me pop my knuckles and bite my nails when I talk to someone I want to impress, and makes me too scared to stand up for myself when I am angry. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough and never will be. Anxiety tells me everyone is judging me.
Anxiety keeps me up until 4:13 in the morning, even though "morning" simply becomes early passed late. Anxiety keeps me lost, drowning, stuck in my own head, waiting for the sun to rise again. Anxiety makes me acutely aware of every detail of my day and night. Anxiety makes itself comfortable in my bed, yet not so comfortable as to let me lay in peaceful slumber along side it. Anxiety thinks it is powerful, thinks it is resilient... and it is.
But so am I, and so are you.
The Journey Isn't Futile
The drugs that save us and the drugs that hurt us are sometimes one and the same.
Getting better from a mental illness isn’t a straightforward process. Doctors and modern medicine can help out enormously ... Can give relief, can lift moods, can solve a multitude of problems. However, they’re not infallible. Sometimes the medication for anxiety can cause depression. Sometimes the side effects of a subscription can be worse than the original problem, or even have the opposite affect of the intended. We have set remedies and prescriptions for common illnesses but not for mental illnesses. Not really. In the U.S., approximately the same number of people fall sick with the flu each year as the number of people who suffer from a mental illness each year. And yet there is no cure. And perhaps never will be. Why? Because we all suffer differently and therefor all heal differently. Which is why I say, find what’s right for you. Get involved in your own treatment. Ask questions, do research. Explore different options.
I know the MASSIVE benefits of modern medicine, but I’ve also become more and more open to alternative healing methods. Acupuncture, massage, energy work, cupping, herbal treatments, diets, counseling, hypnosis, exercise, aroma therapy, meditation, etc. Why not give it go?! What do you have to lose? Your brain is ill, your heart is heavy, and all you want in the world is to get better.
For me personally, massage is great; it keeps a lot of the more severe muscle aches at bay. Acupuncture has worked wonders for my anxiety and sleep issues. Various supplements, prescriptions, and herbs have lessened the symptoms of my depression. Still though, I’m acutely aware of the fact that what works this week may not work next week. And what works this year is vastly, vastly different than what worked for me a few years ago.
It’s hard sometimes not to lose hope when a treatment that was previously working no longer does. It’s easy to think you’ll never be better, you’ll never be normal, or healthy, or functional. But just because the journey toward health is long and bumpy, doesn’t mean its futile. Take even one peaceful day, one beneficial treatment, or one genuine smile as a success. Believe that ‘better’ is attainable even if ‘cured’ isn’t. Remember that shit days happens, but so do great ones.
Getting better from a mental illness isn’t a straightforward process. Doctors and modern medicine can help out enormously ... Can give relief, can lift moods, can solve a multitude of problems. However, they’re not infallible. Sometimes the medication for anxiety can cause depression. Sometimes the side effects of a subscription can be worse than the original problem, or even have the opposite affect of the intended. We have set remedies and prescriptions for common illnesses but not for mental illnesses. Not really. In the U.S., approximately the same number of people fall sick with the flu each year as the number of people who suffer from a mental illness each year. And yet there is no cure. And perhaps never will be. Why? Because we all suffer differently and therefor all heal differently. Which is why I say, find what’s right for you. Get involved in your own treatment. Ask questions, do research. Explore different options.
I know the MASSIVE benefits of modern medicine, but I’ve also become more and more open to alternative healing methods. Acupuncture, massage, energy work, cupping, herbal treatments, diets, counseling, hypnosis, exercise, aroma therapy, meditation, etc. Why not give it go?! What do you have to lose? Your brain is ill, your heart is heavy, and all you want in the world is to get better.
For me personally, massage is great; it keeps a lot of the more severe muscle aches at bay. Acupuncture has worked wonders for my anxiety and sleep issues. Various supplements, prescriptions, and herbs have lessened the symptoms of my depression. Still though, I’m acutely aware of the fact that what works this week may not work next week. And what works this year is vastly, vastly different than what worked for me a few years ago.
It’s hard sometimes not to lose hope when a treatment that was previously working no longer does. It’s easy to think you’ll never be better, you’ll never be normal, or healthy, or functional. But just because the journey toward health is long and bumpy, doesn’t mean its futile. Take even one peaceful day, one beneficial treatment, or one genuine smile as a success. Believe that ‘better’ is attainable even if ‘cured’ isn’t. Remember that shit days happens, but so do great ones.
Being Smart Doesn't Mean Not Doing Dumb Things
I understand that the holidays are stressful for everyone. But something about the combo of groups of people, festive pressure, travel, expected conversation, and disjointed sadness when all was done, just killed me as a kid. Still troubles me now... I mean, really, for me the "holiday season" might as well be called "panic attack season" but at least now I'm aware enough to work through the stress and still enjoy family and friends rather than completely mentally/emotionally shutting down.
Because I associated the holidays with tension (and tension especially at the hands of strangers) when I was a child, my anxiety became linked to crowds. To Thanksgiving and Christmas. To family figures of authority. I learned to hate the months of November and December. And once I was an adult, that translated into not wanting anything to do with those exact things. They were triggers. Triggers for panic, for memories I didn't want to recall, and triggers for a short temper and dumb, unjustified unacceptance of my own self.
That anxiety caused a self-fulfilling prophecy of discomfort: Anxiety made me avoid social situations, made me say dumb/awkward things when I did dare to partake in conversation, and made me think I was weird, which caused my self esteem struggle. And with lowered self esteem, I became more anxiety-ridden, which made me avoid social situations, and so on and so forth. You get the idea.
I'm smart. I'm creative. People tend to like me. And yet it didn't matter. Once that anxiety had a hold on my confidence and comfort I was trapped. I rejected myself.
So dumb!!
And yet so understandable. And so common.
Self esteem is a weird and delicate thing. It's influenced by our upbringing, our mental health, our appearance, the media, our romantic relationships, our intelligence, success, wealth, and even sense of humor. But most of all, I believe it's based in awareness- seeing and accepting who you are and who the people around you are. And that's the part of self esteem building that I have been focusing on.
My mantras have been...
We all do dumb things, so laugh it off when it happens. Someone will always be better looking, more charismatic, richer, cooler, etc etc than me. That's ok. And no matter what I do, it will always be a necessity to sometimes face people - strangers - converse with them, and make connections... but eventually strangers become aquantences, and aquantences may very well turn into friends. Baby steps, right?
It's not that I've gotten over my anxiety and insecurities, it's simply that I've gotten tired of apologizing for them. I'm me. And that includes my problems and mental health struggles.
And you know what? Accepting my weaknesses makes me stronger.
Join me next Saturday for: The Season of Sadness
Because I associated the holidays with tension (and tension especially at the hands of strangers) when I was a child, my anxiety became linked to crowds. To Thanksgiving and Christmas. To family figures of authority. I learned to hate the months of November and December. And once I was an adult, that translated into not wanting anything to do with those exact things. They were triggers. Triggers for panic, for memories I didn't want to recall, and triggers for a short temper and dumb, unjustified unacceptance of my own self.
That anxiety caused a self-fulfilling prophecy of discomfort: Anxiety made me avoid social situations, made me say dumb/awkward things when I did dare to partake in conversation, and made me think I was weird, which caused my self esteem struggle. And with lowered self esteem, I became more anxiety-ridden, which made me avoid social situations, and so on and so forth. You get the idea.
I'm smart. I'm creative. People tend to like me. And yet it didn't matter. Once that anxiety had a hold on my confidence and comfort I was trapped. I rejected myself.
So dumb!!
And yet so understandable. And so common.
Self esteem is a weird and delicate thing. It's influenced by our upbringing, our mental health, our appearance, the media, our romantic relationships, our intelligence, success, wealth, and even sense of humor. But most of all, I believe it's based in awareness- seeing and accepting who you are and who the people around you are. And that's the part of self esteem building that I have been focusing on.
My mantras have been...
We all do dumb things, so laugh it off when it happens. Someone will always be better looking, more charismatic, richer, cooler, etc etc than me. That's ok. And no matter what I do, it will always be a necessity to sometimes face people - strangers - converse with them, and make connections... but eventually strangers become aquantences, and aquantences may very well turn into friends. Baby steps, right?
It's not that I've gotten over my anxiety and insecurities, it's simply that I've gotten tired of apologizing for them. I'm me. And that includes my problems and mental health struggles.
And you know what? Accepting my weaknesses makes me stronger.
Join me next Saturday for: The Season of Sadness
