Brené Brown's Blog, page 37
June 13, 2011
link with love
Kal Barteski is one of my very favorite artists. She has an amazing website and blog here. I'm moved by her work because it is centered in love and generosity. Her work makes me feel - it's emotional for me. It reminds me that there's so much joy and beauty in the world.
Recently she's been struggling to make sure that her art is protected and respected. I've experienced the same struggle with my work. In fact, a few months ago someone transcribed my entire TEDx talk and posted it on their blog with the title, "My thoughts on vulnerability and leadership." I would have never known if it hadn't been for the 50 tweets and emails from people saying, "You better take a look."
To address this issue of accepting, respecting and protecting our work, Kal has started LINKwithlove.
Here's how Kal explains this movement:
"It is our goal to inspire positive change in the way art, photography, design, words, music, film and ideas are shared on the internet. We believe that intellectual property needs to be handled with love and respect. We believe in the goodness of people. We believe in the power of the internet. We believe that Maya Angelou was absolutely right when she said "when you know better you do better."
LINKwithlove is the idea that by banding together in a 'neighbourhood watch' type way - we, the internet, could teach and learn respect when dealing with intellectual property online. It is our dream that art, music, photography, words, design, ideas, etc - be shared in a way that is respectful, educated and kind.
By teaching and supporting the proper ways to share intellectual property - we will make a difference."
All I can say is "I'm in!"
You can join us by:
Putting a badge on your site
Keeping your eyes and heart open! Sometimes we get inspired and forget to attribute our inspirations. It happens to all of us. When I do it, tell me. Don't yell at me or shame me - just tell me. I want to know.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on accepting, respecting and protecting! Why is it important to you?
May 31, 2011
nesting + play
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We're finally getting settled in the new house and I'm starting to feel like myself again. The hard lesson of this move? I'm as sane as my house is organized. It's been a tough six weeks.
Now that most of the boxes are unpacked we've been baking, decorating, and getting our creativity on! I've been working very hard to fight off the gremlins that are constantly nagging me with "You're behind on your emails" and "Stop playing with all of those cupcake papers and developing pictures - there's serious work to be done."
Play is a key piece of my Wholehearted practice and I'm still learning how to do it. In The Gifts of Imperfection, I confess that I didn't even recognize play when I heard the research participants describing it. I didn't "get it" until I saw Ellen and Charlie on the trampoline. It was a total AHA moment: "Oh! These wholehearted folks are talking about play! I guess it's not just for kids."
Stuart Brown has done wonderful research on play - his book has really helped me get my head and heart around play. Rather than defining play, Brown proposes seven properties of play. One property of play is that it's time spent without purpose. In our culture that's also known as an anxiety attack. Our TO-DO lists are so extensive that we feel like slackers if we're not working to check off tasks every single minute of the day and night. Even sleep has started to feel self-indulgent.
Brown also identifies losing track of time as an important property of play. Understanding this property of play has taught me a lot about myself. For me, nesting is play. Piddling around my house is play. Editing photos is play.
Brian Sutton-Smith writes, "The opposite of play is not work; it's depression." The more I play, the more I believe it.
I'd love to know what constitutes play for you! Leave a comment and I'll draw two names to win copies of Stuart Brown's book!
May 23, 2011
vulnerability is ___________.
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Sometimes the toughest part of embracing vulnerability is recognizing vulnerability. There are so many secondary emotions that spring to the surface and grab our focus. I wrote this in my journal this morning as a little reminder to look deeper, be mindful, and practice self-compassion. I don't want to shut myself off from vulnerability because I don't want to miss out on what it brings to my life: love, creativity, joy, authenticity, courage, and hope (just to name a few).
It's always so helpful to be reminded of the many ways that vulnerability shows up in our lives. Leave a comment telling us how you fill in the blanks (on one or both) and three folks will get a copy of The Gifts of Imperfection. I'll announce the names on Friday.
Vulnerability is __________________.
Vulnerability feels like ___________________.
Have a great week!
May 9, 2011
cool: the emotional straightjacket
What has a decade of research on authenticity, shame, vulnerability and courage taught me about "being cool?"
1. The need to "be cool" is an emotional straightjacket. It keeps us from moving, growing, stretching and feeling free.
2. "Cool" and authentic are often mutually exclusive.
3. It takes courage to feel awkward, goofy, and silly - all of the feelings that we experience when we're brave enough to try something new or risk being innovative. This is so tough for me. My mantra when I'm trying something new and feeling awkward and goofy is "Effort + the courage to show up = enough."
4. The language of cool permeates our culture and sends messages to the people around us - especially our children. Try boycotting words like LAME, UNCOOL, and LOSER. Also, there is an entire collection of words that are used as cool armour by vulnerable teens and tweens (and adults). They include words like retard, retarded, bitch, fag, and queer. Trying to come off as cool and indifferent often leads to the use of hate language.
5. The greatest causality of the endless pursuit of cool is connection. When we don't let people see and know our true selves, we sacrifice connection. Without connection, we struggle for purpose and meaning.
Have a great week, be connected, and be cool you.
May 6, 2011
to mama with love
This Mother's Day join me in this wonderful effort to send our mother's a little love and do something to make the world a better place.
To Mama with Love is a collaorative online art project that honors moms across the globe and raises funds to invest in remarkable women who create hope in our world.
Learn more about To Mama with Love by clicking here!
P.S. When you check out the site, run your cursor over Texas and say hello to my mom, Deanne!
May 3, 2011
to live a creative life
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Before my research on wholeheartedness (and before the 2007 breakdown spiritual awakening), I was completely disconnected from my creativity. My disconnection took the form of judgment, resentment, and fear:
"A-R-T - how nice. I have a J-O-B - I'm doing real work."
"I'm not the creative type."
"Spending time creating is self-indulgent."
Behind all of these emotions was disconnection. I had the creativity scars that many of us have; the ones that come from not being able to draw a still life in middle school and being told that I better stick with writing and reading.
Today, I'm reconnected with my creativity and it's transforming every part of my life. Creativity brings me joy, helps me stay more grateful, calms me down, and inspires me. It helps me keep my perfectionism in check and has become a powerful way to connect with my family.
In The Gifts of Imperfection, I summarize what I learned from the world of Wholehearted living and loving:
1. "I'm not very creative" doesn't work. There's no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don't. Unused creativity doesn't just disappear. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.
2. The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity.
3. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing—it doesn't matter. As long as we're creating, we're cultivating meaning.
I'm so grateful for what I've learned and for all of you who are creating and sharing your work with the world.
I'm celebrating creativity today with a giveway of this great poster by Amanda Cherie.
Just leave your name in the comment section and I'll pick a winner on Thursday!
April 28, 2011
April 15, 2011
holding space
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Several years ago a group of students changed my life in a way that I never expected. Students change my life everyday, but this experience brought me to my knees.
In my graduate course on shame resilience, students form groups based on their interests and research how shame resilience applies to the populations of their choice. In this class one of the groups applied Shame Resilience Theory to military veterans. The group was made up of two veterans (one from Vietnam and one from Afghanistan), two partners of deployed soldiers, and two children of vets.
All shame work becomes very personal very fast, but this was different. Our entire class of 70 graduate students had to process through some very difficult feelings, assumptions, and even shame.
Here's what I learned:
When I let my politics dictate my level of compassion for veterans, I contribute to their pain and to the suffering that is happening in the world.
When I step up (and through my beliefs about war) to hold space for the grief and trauma that they are holding, it changes their lives and creates a more loving and less violent world (which is ironically the goal that holds us back from reaching out to them).
I felt physically sick this morning when I read that veteran and veterans advocate Clay Hunt committed suicide. After interviewing many veterans over the past few years, I wish I could say I was surprised. I wasn't. I was just deeply saddened and reawakened to my responsibility as a compassionate human being.
April 11, 2011
a new class + a new weekly reflection collection!
I'm passionate about my career as a researcher and teacher, but more importantly, I'm so grateful for how this work has changed the way I live, love, parent, work and engage with the world.
I'm thrilled to be partnering with global activist Jen Lemen, CEO of Hopeful World Publishing, to offer a new eCourse and a new collection of weekly reflections, challenges, and photos based on my work.
After a decade of studying topics like vulnerability, shame, and courage, I've come to believe that our lives are a powerful collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle, and how we are strong.
When we practice the courage it takes to own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging.
If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.
Hustling is all about shame. When we understand shame and start to cultivate shame resilience we can start to stand strong in the center of our story.
Ordinary Courage eCourse: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness
Join us for this class as we explore how shame operates in our lives and how we cultivate shame resilience so that we can fully engage with the world from a place of worthiness; a place where we know that we are enough and that we are worthy of love and belonging.
The course starts on Monday, 4/18/11, and ends on 5/27/11. There will be weekly reading assignments from I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) and "watching" assignments from The Hustle for Worthiness DVD. There will also be weekly audio conversations, creativity activities, and journal exercises. You are welcome to stay on the 6-week schedule or make your way through the material at your own pace.
The registration period is relatively short and seats are limited so we encourage you to register this week. The class is starting on Monday, 4/18, so that we can wrap up before Memorial Day weekend.
For more information, and FAQ, and registration, visit the Hopeful World website!
A Year of Wholehearted Living
WholeHearted Living is 52 weeks of hope, daily courage, and honest inspiration. This once-a-week, year long missive is designed to give you the grounding you need to keep your heart focused on what matters the very most–living in the truth of your own story.
For more information and registration, visit the Hopeful World website!
See y'all in class!
PS - If you're a little nervous about a course on shame, think of it as Ninja Gremlin training!
April 7, 2011
in the weeds
iPhone shot of a weed patch in Port Aransas, Texas
I sometimes forget how mindfulness can create incredible discomfort. I've been paying attention to my cell phone habits this week and it's been eye-opening. As it turns out, I am very careful about not talking and texting when I'm with other people. My problem isn't how I treat others, it's how I treat myself.
I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened, but I've managed to convince myself that every second of white space in my life - every tiny sliver of downtime - could and should be utilized for "getting 'er done."
When I stop at a traffic light, I think to myself, Quick! Check your email on the phone. When I get in the car to drive to the bank I strategically plan what calls I can make on the way there and on the way home. I always bring my iPad with me to carpool line because I can answer at least five emails while I'm waiting. The only time I really feel free to enjoy the white space is when I'm flying (which explains why I'm not anxious for Continental to get WiFi and I pray that cell phones are NEVER allowed on flights).
It's CRAZY! Or, at the very least, it's crazy-making.
I bartended and waited tables for six years - all through undergrad and graduate school. One of the big tricks of the trade is consolidating. If you're making a trip from the kitchen to the floor, take as much as you can possibly carry. Bring bread to the first table, drop off the bill at the second table, re-tea the third table, and swing by your last table with the dessert tray.
Consolidating is how you stay out of "the weeds" - the universal restaurant term for being slammed and losing control of your section. When you squeeze every ounce of productivity from every available moment, you can stay on top of your game.
I think consolidating is a great philosophy for waiting tables, but it's an exhausting way to live.
I think most of us feel like we're in the weeds all day long. If you're like me, there's always more to do. Every time I cross something off of my to-do list, I add three more things. It can feel like the wading through waist-high weeds all day long.
Squeezing productivity out of every second of the day isn't a sustainable way to live. You might be able to do it for a 6-hour work shift, but you can't do it for years on end.
I'm grateful that I paid attention to my phone use this week. It taught me more than I expected.
Back in the day, when we couldn't stay out of the weeds, the managers would re-evaluate the size and layouts of our sections. Sometimes there were just too many tables and other times the tables were too far apart. For me, it's probably a little of both. Too much work spread across all of my many roles.
I'm going to rethink how I'm working and how I'm prioritizing my work, but I'm also going to try to let go of striving for that weed-free life.
Like the picture above, some weed patches are really pretty. Even if I try to cut back on work, I know things will still get hectic so here's my new goal: When things get overwhelming, I'm going to practice pulling up a lawn chair and just sitting in the weeds for a while. I'm going to practice letting go of the idea that if I work really hard (every minute of the day) I'll be able to rest at some point. That's fiction.
New practice goal: Let go of shame gremlins that use the big guns of lazy, slacker, and unproductive to keep me going when I need to rest. Cultivate and appreciate the white space for what it is, not for what I can squeeze out of it.
