Exponent II's Blog, page 96

Sacred Music Sunday: For All the Saints

I’ve always been drawn to bold brassy hymns. When I played the organ, I would throw in trumpet stops whenever I could get away with it. One hymn that I especially like is For All the Saints.

In many Christian churches, this hymn is sung for All Saints’ Day, which is a day to celebrate specific holy people who are held up as an example. Saints are viewed as Other.

Although we don’t observe All Saints’ Day, I do appreciate that we are all expected to be saints. A saint isn’t someone who lived long ago and has ascended to heaven – she could be in the pew right behind you.

We’re not born saints; it’s a process. In the Book of Mormon we’re taught: “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…” (Mosiah 3:19) Anyone can become a saint by repenting and following the promptings of the Spirit.

Sacrament Meeting Talk: Personal Revelation

This talk was originally given in Sacrament Meeting in Memphis, TN on July 31st, 2022.

In 1970, my mom was a sophomore at the University of Oregon in Eugene – where my family just moved from a few weeks ago.

That year my mom spent her spring break in Portland taking care of a friend from high school who had undergone surgery on a brain tumor. My mom wasn’t a member of the church, but that friend was. As my mom spent the week at the bedside of her friend, they talked about the gospel. At the end of the week, my mom’s friend asked my mom to look up the missionaries when she got back to school and to take the missionary lessons.

My mom said that she would.

My mom was true to her word, but completely embarrassed by the thought of having to hang out with those nerdy boys who wore white shirts and ties around campus. She asked several of her friends to go with her to the first lesson. Though several friends agreed, when the day came to go to the lesson, each of them had a legitimate excuse for why they couldn’t go. One was sick, another had a school project come up, etc.

My mom couldn’t stand the thought of having to go alone so she called up her cousin Dana who was a first year student – also at the U of O – and begged her to come along. They sat down with their bare feet and long flowery dresses and listened to the nerdy missionaries in white shirts and ties tell the story of Joseph Smith seeing God and Jesus Christ and being told to restore Christ’s church on the earth. In that first lesson, the missionaries said “If you pray about this and find out from God it is true, will you get baptized on May 8th?” My mom said “yes” holding onto that “if” statement in her heart – she wasn’t committing unless God told her to. My mom’s cousin Dana told me she thought my mom was nuts for agreeing so rapidly to something.

Over the course of the next three weeks, my mom gained that feeling in her heart that the story of God restoring His church through the prophet Joseph Smith was true, so as promised, she ended up getting baptized on May 8th. However, Dana still wasn’t so sure.

My mom had the idea that they needed to be able to see a temple. At the time, the closest temple was in Oakland, California – over 500 miles away.

They had no money, or really any plans but they packed their bags and hitch-hiked south to the temple.  They showed up at a single’s ward where someone offered to let them stay at their house and they spent a few days in the area and seeing the temple from outside. For both of them, seeing the temple from the outside helped them feel God’s love. Dana ended up getting baptized at the end of the month.

As a kid, this was my pioneer ancestor story that I grew up hearing. And what did I learn from it?

To hitchhike long distances and be leery of anyone wearing a white shirt and tie.

Just kidding.

The thing that I learned the most from this story was the importance of personal revelation. My mom’s high school friend shared with my mom the things that had brought her joy. My mom joined the church because she felt prompted from God. My mom and Dana felt God’s love when they saw the temple. Dana joined the church when she felt prompted from God. Looking back, they both feel it’s a blessing all my mom’s friends bailed on them so they could learn about the church together. My mom and her cousin were strengths to each other – and have continued to be through the past 52 years.

But the personal revelation aspect of the story is what I’d like to focus my talk on today. Brother Coons gave me the topic “Establishing the Gospel as the Foundation of Family Life: A Practical Guide” – and the truth is that, for me, I think that the only way to really do that is to see personal revelation for how that’ll work in your own family – and family can be used broadly (whether it be your immediate family, your extended family, your ward family, your neighborhood family, whatever the case may be). For my mom as a 19 year old, it meant hitch-hiking with her cousin to the temple. But God speaks to us in different ways at different stages of our lives and depending on our own family circumstances.

As a kid in a part member family, I remember hearing other kids at church talking about their dads waking them up early to hold morning devotionals and sometimes I worried because the way I was being taught the gospel didn’t look like that.

But as an adult, I now realize that what works for one family doesn’t work for all families – and that is not only okay, that is exactly how God intends it. That’s why we have personal revelation – so that we can all grow close to God in a way that works for us and our circumstances.

Bonnie H. Cordon (YW General President) said in a BYU address, “recently as I uttered the familiar words to address my Heavenly Father in prayer, I was overcome with a sense of awe. I paused and thought, ‘Who am I to address God?’ But almost instantly, an innate knowledge was rekindled—He is my Father, and I am His daughter.” How amazing it is that we have an all powerful being that actually is our father and wants us to talk to Him? He wants to guide us!

So for my “practical guide” to “establishing the gospel as the foundation of family life” I’m going to hone in on how to seek personal revelation for our own families – with the understanding that the outcomes will look different depending on the family and the stage of life the family is in.

While I know that how your family works toward establishing the gospel as your foundation looks different than mine – as it should – I’d like to share a few broad principles that personally, I’ve learned, can help set up this foundation. Perhaps, as I’m talking, you may feel personally whether and how you can apply these principles in your own familial foundations and I hope the Spirit can testify to you of what that might look like. The three principles I’d like to discuss are charity, unity, and understanding.

Charity

Let’s start with charity – as Moroni 7:47 declares charity “the pure love of Christ [which]… endureth forever.” I figure to build a foundation on the gospel, let’s start with Christ’s love – that lasts forever.

It’s the love that Christ has for us that allows us to individually heal and grow closer to God. In other words, this love is the very foundation of the gospel – and the reason why I hope to make it the foundation of how we live the gospel at our house.

Sister Amy A. Wright, Second Counselor in the Primary General Presidency spoke of Christ’s love this way:

“While the Savior was teaching in the temple, a woman was brought to Him by the scribes and Pharisees. We do not know her full story, just that she was “taken in adultery.” Often the scriptures give only a small portion of someone’s life, and based on that portion, we sometimes tend to exalt or condemn. No one’s life can be understood by one magnificent moment or one regrettable public disappointment. The purpose of these scriptural accounts is to help us see that Jesus Christ was the answer then, and He is the answer now. He knows our complete story and exactly what we suffer, as well as our capabilities and vulnerabilities.

“Christ’s response to this precious daughter of God was “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” Another way to say “go, and sin no more” could be “go forth and change.” The Savior was inviting her to repent: to change her behavior, her associations, the way she felt about herself, her heart.

“Because of Christ, our decision to “go forth and change” can also allow us to “go forth and heal,” for He is the source of healing all that is broken in our lives. As the great Mediator and Advocate with the Father, Christ sanctifies and restores broken relationships—most important, our relationship with God.”

It’s that charity from the Savior that I seek to feel in my own family. I often think that when my kids are grown they may choose a variety of paths for their lives – and that’s completely up to them. However, I hope that no matter what path they choose, that they can feel that love from God in their hearts. So, when it comes to building our family’s foundation in the gospel, I hope to provide the most opportunities that I can to help them feel that charity from the Savior and come to believe that He loves them and knows them perfectly.

The Savior’s perfect example of charity shows that (as written in Moroni 7:45) “charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” How glorious it is that we can establish a relationship with the Lord who has this perfect and beautiful charity?!

Not only do I want to teach my kids to feel that love from God, I hope to work toward exhibiting that charity within our family. Of course, I have to take it step by step as I slowly and imperfectly seek to follow the Savior day by day. I believe that the next two items I wanted to discuss – unity and understanding – are both aspects of being more charitable within our families and these principles help me to follow the Savior’s example.

Unity

Let’s discuss unity first. In a Church News article reporting on a devotional given at BYU education week by the General Relief Society Presidency, the importance of unity is described this way, “The Savior used the image of a hen gathering her chicks under her wings to describe His relationship with His disciples, Sister Aburto said. “A hen takes care of her chickens all day and all night. She nourishes them, and is constantly calling them. … In the same way, the Savior gathers us with His care and love. Like the chicks, we are vulnerable, and we depend on His grace. As disciples of Christ, we too can help gather His people. This brings us joy.” Sister Aburto testified that as individuals seek revelation, the Spirit will guide them to know what to do and say to help others feel they belong.”

Though Sister Aburto was talking about helping others feel they belong within Relief Society, I firmly believe that it’s important to do this within our own families as well. For example, I have one kid who regularly questions the material we study during family scripture time. I could dismiss her concerns if I wanted to and move along with what we’re doing. But like the hen gathering her chicks – I feel I need to be aware of her vulnerabilities and strive to help her. My daughter’s concerns are completely valid and I really can’t dismiss them – rather I try to discuss them in ways that bring us together and closer to God. I seek the Spirit to guide me to help me know how to help my daughter feel as though the gospel is for her and that God does care about her as an individual. As I do this, I also notice that sometimes it feels that she is the hen gathering me – as she teaches me new things or helps me think about things in deeper and more meaningful ways. In that way, I think our family is able to become more united.

This unity – which at times is admittedly more unified than others in our house – is related to the next aspect of charity I wanted to discuss – that of showing understanding.

Understanding

It is necessary that we are willing to show understanding within our families. We all have doubts about various things and those doubts may manifest themselves in different ways. However, we need to create an environment in our homes where we can be understanding when we express doubts and be able to work together to help each other through these doubts.

As Reverend Dr Jacqui Lewis said on her blog, “Come and bring your heart — broken, but healing; your dreams — deferred but vivid; and your faith — which likely sits alongside some doubt. Be comforted, loves, that doubt actually makes our faith stronger. The wrestling, the struggling, the doubting grows our faith muscle. Don’t be afraid to express the doubt, to dig into it, to be, as my therapist would say, on its side. The truth of that all will set you free for more love! These are hot-mess times, the kinds of times that can inspire doubt. I have doubts, but I am absolutely confident that good people all over the globe are putting love in the world, love that is stronger than hate.”

I’ve noticed at times that when I express doubts, it makes people in the church really nervous and clam up and have the urge to shut the conversation down. But I don’t think that’s the way for us to be able to work through these things. Instead, I think creating an environment where we can talk about these doubts and can work toward understanding each other’s struggles can serve to strengthen our faith.

Personally, I hope to create in my home a place where we can openly wrestle with doubts so that we can work together to strengthen our faith. Just as I mentioned earlier, that when my daughter expresses her concerns and we work through them together it creates more unity within our family, it also creates an environment where we can show more understanding toward each other.

Conclusion

In closing, I’d like to express my belief that as we seek God’s counsel, He will help us to know how to create a familial culture that is founded on Christ’s love for us. That may mean hitch-hiking 500 miles, or (more likely) it may be something more simple than that. But as Sister Maurine Jensen Proctor said in a BYU Women’s Conference: 

“The Lord offers us his solutions to all our questions, and he tells us, “I am more intelligent than they all” (Abraham 3:19). There is not a problem we can pose to him or a challenge so perplexing that he does not already have the answer. How can some of that light be shed into our own minds?

“The scriptures reveal a pattern for receiving enlightenment—and it is not one we usually talk about: Serious reflection precedes revelation.“

I believe Christ wants you to be able to come unto Him as a family and that He will reveal to you how to do that and how to feel His love within the walls of your home. In his name I leave this testimony, Amen.

Photo by Jed Villejo on Unsplash

Overcoming October

*TW: My post mentions the death of my child.*

I hate October. 

In October 2011 I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that landed me unconscious in the hospital and then in the ICU on organ failure watch.

 In October 2016 my ten-year-old son, Sawyer, died. 

I find myself at my personal lowest every October, both emotionally and spiritually.

Plus, in the season when I need a high dosage of spiritual guidance, the month kicks off with General Conference, which always comes with layers of triggers for me. I feel a little “kicked when I’m down” spiritually in October. The more I talk to my people about the spiritual low that accompanies this rough time of year for me, the more I’m reminded that everyone has their own “October.” A period of the year when it is harder to cope spiritually. Maybe it’s not a month, or season, maybe it’s a week or day. But so far I haven’t run into anyone who constantly rides a spiritual high.

I’ve been working on a project with my publisher that puts me in regular conversations with those struggling in their faith. I ask a lot of questions and am hearing how others get through their own “October” season. As a result, I thought today I would share four unorthodox coping strategies I use to get me through my spiritual low season.

1. Look beyond our assigned spiritual guides. I took a class on Understanding Mortality about a year ago. At the time I was considering becoming a death doula. The class was a fascinating deconstruction about our views on death in the Western world, philosophies from the Eastern world, and general words of wisdom from poets and prophets rooted in all different kinds of beliefs.  On social media I started following a Buddhist monk, a Catholic priest, and a non-LDS feminist Christian writer. They all inspire me and help me understand things in a way that my Latter-day Saint leaders do not. They help me complete my picture of understanding. I sometimes think the concept of “the philosophies of men” gets weaponized at church. There is so much about our Heavenly Parents, Christ, and the gospel that I do not understand. That none of us understand. Add to it the fact that we have different learning styles, and different people resonate differently with each of us. LDS doctrine teaches us everyone has the light of Christ and that Light has power and influence for good in our lives. Anything that helps me feel closer to Them, I believe, is of God. The 13th Article of Faith tells us if there’s “anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” (Articles of Faith 1:13). “Anything.” Not just Latter-day Saint things. So go find your things. Seek after them. Let them guide you when nothing else does and don’t get bogged down when those things aren’t what you’re hearing in Sunday School class.

2. Fill your heart (I think other people call it service). Now before you write this one off, hear me out. I’m not talking about signing up for ten different projects that drain you of your already depleted self. I’m talking about the kind of service that fills your heart. My daughter is in the fifth grade and they were just given their fifth grade jobs for the year. She is a reading helper for kindergartners. She came home the other day and was telling me about her interaction.. She said she was working with a little boy she doesn’t usually work with and who didn’t need much help. She would go through one of the skills and he would repeat it with no problem. She said he wasn’t very talkative and seemed very shy. As he was working she said, “I told him how smart he was because he already knew how to do so much. Mom! He smiled so big. It was the first time I had gotten any real reaction from him. It made me so happy. It warmed my heart and made my day.” That’s the kind of service I am talking about. When I’m feeling spiritually drained, I can’t help people spiritually. I can’t really serve others physically or emotionally either, in fact. But I look for little opportunities to do things that fill my heart. I try harder to find opportunities to fill my heart during tough times because I know I need to fill my empty heart.

3. Focus on self-care. Or, repeat to myself that self-care isn’t selfish. I had to edit this post twice before posting, because even though I had a draft of it ready earlier in the month, book club was a doozy last night. This quote was shared from social media. “Some days are easier than others to get up and do what you are committed to do. If this is one of those days, great. If this is one of those days when it’s a struggle, do it anyway. Your integrity isn’t worth the nap.”

Sometimes the best thing for me is to look outward and push through. Sometimes. Maybe it’s couched as filling my heart, right? Other times the best thing for me is to look inward and make my own needs a priority. Even if it means breaking a commitment or taking a nap. I have to extend myself  grace and permission to acknowledge that sometimes I overcommit. Sometimes I think I can handle more than I actually can. Setting aside the judgment of myself and doing whatever it takes to care for myself in order to endure the immediate struggle can be powerful and can sustain me. 

At my book club last night we were talking about a book we’d read that emphasized doing kind deeds everyday. I had to insert my two cents because while that’s a fine life motto and personal guidepost, it can also be unrealistic and overwhelming. This inescapable church sentiment of always doing/serving/being for everyone else can be exhausting. It can lead to a sense of feeling less than if we get to the end of the day without having served someone. But I find the idea of never-ending service to be too much. Reframing it as finding ways to fill my heart turns it into something I can get behind. Maybe it’s a word game, but it helps me. Of course I hope much of what I do to fill my heart is indeed helping others. But during October, I expand what I consider as “service” to include things like showering, extending myself grace, and recognizing that toxic perfectionism is indeed toxic.  When I acknowledge and give myself credit for doing or feeling anything positive in October, whether it be for myself or for others, it connects me to my Heavenly Parents. It is a version of serving God. Even if it’s by proxy. 

Maybe number two and three feel contradictory. But I am always holding two seemingly different ideas in the same space. It feels more true to life for me than either/or scenarios.

4. Skip out. For a church that doesn’t believe in penance (to be debated elsewhere), we sure try and co-opt the practice. After my son died, church was nearly impossible to endure. Between the songs that talk about blood and death, the testimonies of  “miracles” that everyone got but me, and the lessons all drilling down on being happy even in trials, I just couldn’t take it.

But then I’d feel really guilty about not going. So I would go and feel miserable. Then I’d skip again and the cycle would start all over. One Sunday a sister saw me silently suffering through another lesson, quietly weeping. She leaned over and asked, “Why are you here? You can go, ya know?” I am not really a permission seeker, but hearing her say that to me was exactly what I needed. When I finally gave myself permission to step back as I needed it  I was able to get more out of my meetings when I did go. The same concept carries me through General Conference now. I don’t watch any sessions live, except Sunday morning. And even then, the minute someone starts talking about a tragic death, starts marginalizing/othering people, or generally raining on my spiritual parade, I bounce. No guilt. 

As I enter what we call our “season of mourning” (the time from Sawyer’s death date, through tough family centric holidays, until his birthday rolls around in February) I do anything I can to stay afloat. Maybe not anything, but I do tend to be more forgiving of myself, more gentle with my expectations, and more open to alternative approaches in my worship. I regularly ask others how they connect with the Divine when they struggle and then I often pilot their methods. If they work, I adopt them. If they don’t, I set them aside. I focus on the purpose of my spirituality, which to me is to lift my soul, connect me with something greater than myself, and ground me to a purpose beyond this mortality. These little tricks help me spiritually to get through my October. I hope you’ll share the ways you connect with God when you struggle during your “Octobers.”. Because even though I hate October, I do love to be inspired by others. May November come quickly for all of us. 

*What do you engage in (or disengage with) to combat the spiritual doldrums when they come?*

-Gratuitous photo of my son Sawyer, because it’s October.

Come Follow Me: Nahum; Habakkuk; Zephaniah “His ways are everlasting”

Who?

My first thought when I learned that I was assigned to teach Nahum, Habakkuk and Zephaniah was “Who?”

So let’s start with the answer to that question.

All three of these minor prophets were from the Southern kingdom of Judah and lived in the century of 600-700 BC, after the destruction of the Northern kingdom of Israel by Assyria in 721 BC and before the capture of the Southern kingdom of Judah by Babylon in 597 BC and the destruction of Jerusalem, the capital city of Judah, by Babylon in 586 BC.

The Book of Daniel takes place in Babylon after the people of Judah have been captured, so the events of that book transpired  after the books of Nahum, Habakkuk and Zephaniah chronologically, although the book of Daniel is positioned before these books in the Bible. We discussed the Book of Daniel here: Come Follow Me: Daniel 1-6 “There Is No Other God That Can Deliver”.

This timeline from the Old Testament Seminary Student Manual of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) provides a broad overview of this time period in Israelite history. We’ll be covering lots of dates in this lesson, all of which took place in BC. Keep in mind that the BC timeline is numbered backward from high to low, so higher numbered years are earlier in history and lower numbered years are later in history. (This always throws me off.)

Timeline from Old Testament Seminary Student Manual Lesson 155: Nahum; Habakkuk; Zephaniah; Haggai, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

None of these books make for very cheerful reading, since all prophesy the destruction of a sinful city. Nahum predicts the fall of Ninevah, Assyria while Habakkuk and Zephaniah foretell the fall of their own homeland, Jerusalem, Judah. The aggressor who would destroy both of these cities would be Babylon, which wasn’t known for its righteousness either. 

Judah was included among the nations called out for sinfulness by the prophets, but it was also a comparatively weak nation victimized by the colonialism and warmongering of nations with stronger militaries such as Assyria, Egypt and Babylon. As we read these chapters, we are confronted with the grief, despair and anger of an oppressed people. History is most often written by the victors and many of us are descended from the inhabitants of aggressive and colonial nations who passed down their stories as tales of heroism; reading Nahum, Habakkuk and Zephaniah gives us a rare opportunity to interpret oppression through the eyes of the oppressed.

Sins that make God say, “Woe”

What makes a city (or a nation or a community) sinful? God gave Habakkuk a list of five specific sins, all beginning with the phrase, “Woe to him” or “Woe unto him.” Invite the class to silently scan Habakkuk 2:6-20 and identify the five sins marked by the word, “Woe.” (I have marked them in bold below.)

6 Shall not all these take up a parable against him, and a taunting proverb against him, and say, Woe to him that increaseth that which is not his! how long? and to him that ladeth himself with thick clay!

7 Shall they not rise up suddenly that shall bite thee, and awake that shall vex thee, and thou shalt be for abooties unto them?

8 Because thou hast aspoiled many nations, all the remnant of the people shall spoil thee; because of men’s blood, and for the violence of the land, of the city, and of all that dwell therein.

9 ¶ Woe to him that acoveteth an evil covetousness to his house, that he may set his nest on high, that he may be delivered from the power of evil!

10 Thou hast aconsulted shame to thy house by cutting off many people, and hast sinned against thy soul.

11 For the stone shall cry out of the wall, and athe beam out of the timber shall answer it.

12 ¶ Woe to him that buildeth a town with ablood, and stablisheth a city by iniquity!

13 Behold, is it not of the Lord of hosts that the people shall labour in the very fire, and the people shall weary themselves for very avanity?

14 For the aearth shall be filled with the bknowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.

15 ¶ Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him adrunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!

16 Thou art filled awith shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered: the cup of the Lord’s right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory.

17 For the violence of Lebanon shall cover thee, and the spoil of beasts, which made them afraid, because of men’s blood, and for the violence of the land, of the city, and of all that dwell therein.

18 ¶ What profiteth the graven aimage that the maker thereof hath graven it; the molten image, and a teacher of lies, that the maker of his work trusteth therein, to make dumb idols?

19 Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise, it shall teach! Behold, it is laid over with gold and silver, and there is no breath at all in the midst of it.

20 But the Lord is in his holy temple: let all the earth keep asilence before him.

Habakkuk 2:6-20

In brief, modern language, list each of these five sins. (Each class will come up with a unique list, but as an example, my list included colonialism, greed, warmongering, sexual assault, and idolatry.)
How do these sins manifest in modern nations and communities?
Why are these sins so offensive to God?
What makes these sins dangerous to nations and communities?

Nahum predicts the Fall of Ninevah, Assyria

Nahum prophesied the destruction of Ninevah, the capital city of Assyria. When I think of Ninevah, I think of Jonah, who went on a mission to Ninevah, got swallowed by a whale en route, survived the ordeal, and (like Nahum) prophesied the destruction of Ninevah. That story of Jonah had a happy ending. The people of Ninevah repented and everyone was fine. No destruction necessary (Jonah 1-3). 

Nahum’s prophecy was written at least 85 years after the time period described in the story of Jonah, so Nahum was talking about the descendants of Jonah’s Ninevah converts, not the same people Jonah met. The events that transpired in the decades following Jonah’s mission had not endeared the Assyrian people to Nahum and other Israelites.

Sometime between 790-749 BC: Jonah preaches in Ninevah, Assyria and the people repent.
721 BC: Assyria destroys the Northern kingdom of Israel.
701 BC: Assyria attacks the Southern kingdom of Judah.
663 BC: Assyria destroys Thebes, Egypt. (Although Egypt was not an Israelite nation, Nahum took note. See Nahum 3:8-10.)
Sometime between 663 BC and 612 BC: Nahum predicts the destruction of Ninevah, Assyria.
612 BC: Babylon destroys Ninevah, Assyria.

(See Introduction to the Book of Jonah, Old Testament Seminary Teacher Manual, LDS; Introduction to the Book of Nahum, Old Testament Seminary Teacher Manual, LDS; Julie Galambush, Nahum, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley.)

The Book of Nahum calls out the nation of Assyria for its violence against weaker nations, but at the same time, seems to promote violence as a solution to violence. Dr. Julie Galambush reminds us to consider that Nahum is speaking from a place of trauma.

It is all too easy to take a cynical approach to the author of Nahum, who from a distance of more than two thousand years seems so grossly oblivious to the violence he condones. But the book was written not only from the perspective of the oppressed, but in a time when intentional changes in the social system had rarely if ever been seen. The author thus hopes only to see the oppressor crushed; that would be miracle enough. …Nahum bears the marks of trauma.
—Julie Galambush, Nahum, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

How might trauma affect our perspective?
How can we combat oppression in our modern world with “intentional changes in social system”?

Nahum describes God as a god of contradictions, both horrible and wonderful at once.

2 God is jealous, and the Lord revengeth; the Lord revengeth, and is furious; the Lord will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

3 The Lord is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the Lord hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

Nahum 1:2-3

Why does Nahum view God as both “furious” and “slow to anger”?
Do any of these descriptions resonate with your view of God?

6 Who can stand before his indignation? and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger? his fury is poured out like fire, and the rocks are thrown down by him.

7 The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.

Nahum 1:6-7

How is the Lord like “a strong hold”?
Why does Nahum view God as both “fierce” and “good”?
Do any of these descriptions resonate with your view of God?

In chapter 3, Nahum describes the brutal, gory deaths of the citizens of Ninevah, Assyria with a kind of glee that is hard to read. In Nahum 3:4-13, Nahum also uses an unfortunate metaphor, comparing Ninevah’s destruction to the rape of a woman. I do not recommend reading these passages in the classroom, as they may be triggering to class members who have been victims of violence and rape.

To read Nahum from a feminist perspective is edifying only in that the book expresses so clearly the patriarchal worldview assumed by Assyrians and Judeans alike, illustrating how easily the description of a woman (whether literal or metaphoric) as a seductive but dangerous whore can be used to justify contempt and even violence against her. In the case of Nahum, the emotional power of the image is such that it not only justifies the abuse of the metaphoric slut; it also masks the tragic realities of warfare. Nahum is really celebrating not the downfall of an exaggerated, cartoon-version evil woman, but the rape and death of thousands of innocents. Nahum is all too effective in setting up a discourse in which the portrayal of woman as a dangerous Other disguises brutality as justice.
—Julie Galambush, Nahum, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

Habakkuk and Zephaniah Predict the Fall of Jerusalem

The destruction of Jerusalem by Nebuzar Adan by William Brassey Hole

In both the books of Habakkuk and Zephaniah, we read prophecies that Jerusalem will be destroyed. Other prophets from the same time period as Habakkuk and Zephaniah also predicted Jerusalem’s demise, including Jeremiah; Huldah, a female prophet we discussed in Come Follow Me: 2 Kings 17–25 “He Trusted in the Lord God of Israel”; and Lehi from the Book of Mormon. Here are some more details about what was happening in Jewish history at that time.

640 BC: Josiah is king of Judah. King Josiah begins a religious revival that we read about in Come Follow Me: 2 Kings 17–25 “He Trusted in the Lord God of Israel”.
609 BC: Jehoahaz (Shallum), son of Josiah, becomes king of Judah after the death of his father in battle with Egypt. He reigns for only three months before…
609 BC: Jehoahaz is captured by Egypt. Jehoiakim (Eliakim), another son of Josiah, is selected by the Egyptian pharoah to be a vassal king of Judah under Eqypt’s control. (A vassal is a puppet ruler who must obey a superior ruler.)
605 BC: Babylon defeats Egypt and Judah in battle. Thousands of citizens of Judah are taken captive to Babylon, including Daniel, whom we discussed in Come Follow Me: Daniel 1-6 “There Is No Other God That Can Deliver”. Jehoiakim is still a vassal king of Judah, but now under Babylon’s control. 
601 BC: Jehoiakim rebels against Babylon, leading to a series of battles between Judah and Babylon.
597 BC: Jehoachin (Jeconiah), son of Jehoiakim, becomes King of Judah after the death of his father. He reigns for only three months before…
597 BC: Babylon conquers the kingdom of Judah, captures King Jehoiachin and installs Zedekiah (Mattaniah), another of King Josiah’s sons, as a vassal king of Judah under Babylon’s rule.
586 BC: Zedekiah rebels against Babylon. Babylon destroys Jerusalem and takes the remaining people of Judah captive. 

(See Introduction to the Book of Habakkuk & Introduction to the Book of Zephaniah & Daniel: Prophet of God, Companion of Kings, Old Testament Seminary Teacher Manual, LDS; Timeline: Prophets in the Reigns of Kings of Judah and Israel, Mike Taylor;  King Josiah and His Sons, Floyd Nolen Jones Ministries; When and how was Judah conquered by the Babylonians? & Who was King Jehoiakim in the Bible? & What was the Babylonian captivity/exile? Got Questions: Your Questions, Biblical Answers.)

Habakkuk’s Conversation with God

Habakkuk 1 begins with Habakkuk in prayer. His prayer sounds like a lament, or maybe even a rant. The LDS Seminary Student Manual calls it a “grievance.”

2 O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!

3 Why dost thou shew me iniquity, and cause me to behold grievance? for spoiling and violence are before me: and there are that raise up strife and contention.

4 Therefore the law is slacked, and judgment doth never go forth: for the wicked doth compass about the righteous; therefore wrong judgment proceedeth.

Habakkuk 1:2-4

Summarize Habakkuk’s concerns.
What similar questions do people ask today?

Habakkuk demands of God, “What are you waiting for?” Habakkuk says his piece and God listens. God listens! God does hear his howls. God is right there all the time. God sees what the prophet sees and more. God has given Habakkuk a glimpse of the horror God sees all the time, from which there is no respite for the Divine.

…We are not alone in the horror engulfing the world, the waves of violence, shooting after shooting, massacre after massacre, bombing after bombing. God is active in the midst of the world’s fracture. God is here with us. God is here for us. And according to God in Habakkuk two thousand years and an unknown number of centuries ago, the healing has begun but we can’t see it yet, not even with our prophetic vision. It is beyond us but it is there.

—Wilda Gafney, October 9, 2013, Are You There God? It’s Me & Habakkuk

How can we know God is listening when the resolution we seek is not happening yet?

This dialogue signals the prophet’s conviction that the God of Judah is a relational deity, one who can take harsh and heartfelt questioning. Moreover, the complaint is a form of biblical literature that gives voice to those who are vulnerable and victimized; it champions the power of the individual to speak of hurts and injustices.

—Amy C. Merrill Willis, Habakkuk, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

Why is it important that people be empowered to speak of hurts and injustices?

When we speak to God with this kind of unreserved boldness, we must be prepared for an equally blunt answer. With only a short trigger warning to soften the blow— “I will work a work in your days, which ye will not believe” (Habakkuk 1:5)—God tells Habakkuk that the people of Judah will be humbled, but the means by which this will occur will be horrific. Babylon (the Chaldeans) “shall march through the breadth of the land [of Jerusalem], to possess the dwelling-places that are not theirs”  (Habakkuk 1:6) and “they shall come all for violence.” (Habakkuk 1:9) 

Habakkuk protests. Why can’t God correct the people of Judah without killing them? (Habakkuk 1:12) Also, the people of Judah may be wicked, but the Babylonians are even more wicked. (Habakkuk 1:13) God just described Babylon as “that bitter and hasty nation” (Habakkuk 1:6) and its inhabitants as ‘terrible and dreadful.” (Habakkuk 1:7). Why wouldn’t God stop their attack?

12 Art thou not from everlasting, O Lord my God, mine Holy One? we shall not die. O Lord, thou hast ordained them for judgment; and, O mighty God, thou hast established them for correction.

13 Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity: wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and holdest thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the man that is more righteous than he?

Habakkuk 1:12-13

At the end of his protest, Habakkuk concludes this way:

1 I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.

Habakkuk 2:1-3

What does Habakkuk’s reaction show us about him and his relationship with God?

Habakkuk maintained a high view of God’s character, despite the contradictions to his theology that he experienced. “Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong” (1:13). In hard times, Christian leaders must not lose sight of the goodness of God. No matter how difficult things get around us, God remains pure and holy and good—as we must remain.

…Notice the odd mixed metaphor: Habakkuk would “see” what God would “say.” Whether by showing or speaking, God has always communicated his will to the righteous.

—Joseph Castleberry, Leadership in Hard Times: Lessons from Habakkuk’s “I will” Statements, August 19, 2020

Why is it important to remember God is good?
How should we handle situations that lead us to question God’s goodness? 
What are some ways God communicates with us by speaking? By showing?

2 And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
4  Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith.
Habakkuk 2:1-4

How do you interpret the apparent contradiction in verse 3: though it tarry (comes slowly)…it will not tarry?

The seeming paradox of verse 3—“If it seems to tarry, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay”—speaks to the fact that God’s time does not correspond to human perceptions of time. And just as the prophet invoked God’s holiness, God invokes the need for human faithfulness in awaiting the fullness of time (2:4).
—Amy C. Merrill Willis, Habakkuk, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

In response to Habakkuk’s question “What are you waiting for?” God promises that a change is going to come. It will come, no matter how long it takes. It won’t be late, no matter how long it takes. God will heal the world. God will heal Habakkuk’s piece of the world. But God is apparently playing the long game; both traditional Jewish and Christian interpretation see in these words a prophecy of the messiah and understand that Habakkuk will not live to see the change. Those who saw the messiah in their days saw the world begin to turn towards repair and restoration, but maddeningly, that turn is not complete in our days. We, like Habakkuk, may not live to see the complete transformation of the world for which we ache and long, work and pray. Yet we will live, sometimes in full sight of the hurt and the horror. How are we to live in this reeling, sin-drunk broken world? Faithfully.

—Wilda Gafney, October 9, 2013, Are You There God? It’s Me & Habakkuk

Why must we trust God’s will and timing? How can we better do that?

After God speaks again, Habakkuk concludes with a song.

17 ¶ Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

19 The Lord God is my astrength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine bhigh places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Why does Habakkuk rejoice and praise God with song after receiving such bad news?
How does he find joy amid his violent society?

If we have a good job, can pay the bills, we have friends, are happily married and the children are doing well in school, we may be content, maybe even joyful. However, what if times get difficult? What if life is tough? What if we lose our job and there’s no money to pay the bills? Maybe we don’t have a good circle of friends and our marriage is on rocky ground. The children are failing in school and rebellious. What then? Can we still say as Habakkuk did, “yet I will rejoice in the Lord”?

—6 Things We Can Learn From Habakkuk, Insta Encouragements, January 1, 2019

How do you find joy amid bad circumstances?

Zephaniah calls the people of Jerusalem to repentance

God tells Zephaniah about the upcoming destruction of Jerusalem in Zephaniah chapter 1. Still holding on to hope that their destruction can be averted if they repent, Zephaniah warns his people:

1 Gather yourselves together, yea, gather together, O nation not desired;

2 Before the decree bring forth, before the day pass as the chaff, before the fierce anger of the Lord come upon you, before the day of the Lord’s anger come upon you.

3 Seek ye the Lord, all ye ameek of the earth, which have wrought his judgment; seek brighteousness, seek meekness: it may be ye shall be hid in the cday of the Lord’s anger.

Zephaniah 2:1-3

What does it mean to seek righteousness and meekness?

Dr. Katie M. Heffelfinger sees parallels between Zephaniah’s teachings and those of Huldah, another prophet of his time:

While Zephaniah proclaims God’s coming judgment for the people’s sin and idolatry, Zephaniah’s hope is that the people might humble themselves and escape in the day of divine wrath. This is precisely the message that the prophet Huldah gives Josiah. She proclaims that the king’s deliverance is due to his penitence and humility (2 Kgs. 22:19–20). It is as if Zephaniah takes up the spirit of Huldah’s prophecy and aims to move all of Judah to repent, just as their king had done. The words of the prophet become programmatic for faithful response to reform.

—Katie M. Heffelfinger, Zephaniah, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

Invite the class to silently read and contrast the “filthy and polluted…oppressing city” described in Zephaniah 3:1-5 and look for its characteristics. 

1 Woe to her that is filthy and polluted, to the oppressing city!

2 She obeyed not the voice; she received not correction; she trusted not in the Lord; she drew not near to her God.

3 Her princes within her are roaring lions; her judges are evening wolves; they gnaw not the bones till the morrow.

4 Her prophets are light and treacherous persons: her priests have polluted the sanctuary, they have done violence to the law.

5 The just Lord is in the midst thereof; he will not do iniquity: every morning doth he bring his judgment to light, he faileth not; but the unjust knoweth no shame.

Zephaniah 3:1-5

What are the characteristics of a wicked nation?
What kinds of attitudes and behaviors is Zephaniah warning against?

In his concluding reversal of fortunes, Zephaniah undermines human systems of domination. He represents the reversal as divine justice. Hierarchical patterns of community and religious life are worthy of critique and correction in light of Zephaniah’s depiction of God’s justice. Especially worthy of elimination are those hierarchies that protect oppressors, the unjust, and the dishonest. Zephaniah celebrates the reversal of fortunes and exults that the Lord has “turned away your enemies” (3:15). The enemies are the prideful and oppressive foreign nations, but certainly from the perspective of the humble, poor, and lowly of the land, the enemies are also their leaders.

—Katie M. Heffelfinger, Zephaniah, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

14 Sing, O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel; be glad and rejoice with all the heart, O daughter of Jerusalem.

15 The Lord hath taken away thy judgments, he hath cast out thine enemy: the king of Israel, even the Lord, is in the midst of thee: thou shalt not see evil any more.

16 In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem, Fear thou not: and to Zion, Let not thine hands be slack.

17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

18 I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden.

19 Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halteth, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame.

20 At that time will I bring you again, even in the time that I gather you: for I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth, when I turn back your captivity before your eyes, saith the Lord.

Zephaniah 3:14-20

How can we work to eliminate hierarchies that protect oppressors, the unjust, and the dishonest?

 

Consent, Power, and Marital Polyamory: Look to Our Own History and Practices First

Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash

Today in an opinion piece for the Church-owned newspaper the Deseret News, two professors and a graduate student of Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life wrote, “The Courts are Coming for Monogamy. We Should Resist.” Alan Hawkins, Daniel Frost, and Megan Johnson look at some instances in which cities or states in the US have given legal recognition to polyamorous unions, and they argue that the arguments present in the legalization of same-sex marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges already are and will continue to be used to extend legal rights to polyamorous unions. They fear the courts have their sights set on destabilizing marriage through the legalization of marital polyamory.

They write, “Before the dam of monogamy breaks and ushers in a new era of legally endorsed polyamory, we think it would be wise to pause and evaluate whether families and society would be better off for the change. Regardless of what one thinks about same-sex marriage, the move to polyamory is a breathtaking change to the public understanding of modern marriage and can be expected to have significant consequences.” They go on to discuss concerns around consent and power imbalance potential in marital polyamory and how any monogamous marriage is at risk when marital polyamory is a legal possibility.

Somehow, they managed to write the entire piece about marital polyamory without mentioning the big p word for Mormons: polygamy.

And while there is a certain irony in BYU faculty writing about the legal threat of marital polyamory after the Church’s many decades of fighting for the right to practice polygamy and only abandoning the practice after intense legal pressure, I am not here to suggest that members of the LDS church have no place in this argument because of their Church or family history. Rather, I think that their arguments should be informed by and acknowledge that history.

The writers suggest that polyamory is problematic for the “meaning of consent when there is an imbalance of power and equity.” I agree. How do we know that polyamory can be problematic around consent when there is an imbalance of power and equity? Because we have seen it thousands of times in our own history, starting with Joseph Smith in Nauvoo. Most of Joseph’s plural marriages were enacted without Emma’s knowledge or consent. But moving past Joseph and into the Utah period, it was not uncommon for a first or subsequent wife to learn about a new wife after the marriage took place. A lack of consent and gross power imbalances led to heartbreak, abuse, and neglect of many plural wives. The book The Polygamous Wives Writing Club by Paula Kelly Harline and the Year of Polygamy podcast hosted by Lindsay Hansen Park are both great, accessible resources to learn more about this abuse and heartbreak. Park’s work also includes information about current Mormon fundamentalist groups that practice polygamy and why decriminalization of polygamy helps reduce harm and bring resources to vulnerable communities.

A lack of consent and power imbalances around polygamy is baked into LDS doctrine of the practice. D&C 132 is still part of LDS scriptural cannon. In it, Emma Smith is told to “receive” all the virgins who have been given unto her husband, and if she does not abide this, she will be destroyed. Husbands are instructed to seek their wife’s consent to marry another, but under the “law of Sarah,” if the wife refuses, the husband can do so anyway.

D&C 132: 64-65

64 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife, who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law.

65 Therefore, it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word; and she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt from the law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife.

When looking at LDS history and scripture, we see some of the potential problems regarding consent and power imbalances in polyamorous marriage. Really, we see more than potential. We see the lived reality of abuses when men use the name of God to justify polygamy regardless of consent or the ability to support additional wives. Hawkins, Frost, and Johnson are likewise concerned about the “demands of time and energy” required by polyamory and how that may leave some spouses unsupported. LDS history shows how this was a heartbreaking reality for so many women who were taught that this was their only path to the celestial kingdom.

But beyond history and scripture, current LDS sealing practices leave LDS women living with what Carol Lynn Pearson so wonderfully named and wrote about in her book The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy. Current sealing practices allow living LDS men to be eternally sealed to multiple women without any cancellation of sealings, as long as they are only legally married and cohabitating with one living wife. Living LDS women are only allowed to be sealed to one man in her lifetime unless she receives a cancellation of sealing. This creates much anxiety and heartbreak for LDS women in a variety of circumstances. Some LDS women fear dying before their spouse and being forced into non-consensual eternal polygamy. LDS women who are widows have more difficulty dating and marrying LDS men who only want to marry someone they can be sealed to. Furthermore, while a process does exist for women to request and be granted a cancellation of sealings, the process is fraught with challenges that many women find sexist and dehumanizing. Telling women that “God will work it out” in the next life is patronizing and harmful when we can do something about this pain now.

Recently, Nathan Oman shared his incredible research into the history and current practice of temple sealings on the Mormon Land podcast and on his substack. He also makes the case that recognizing same-sex marriage sealings would be less theologically radical than many have assumed. I’ll direct you to his work for more details, but what fascinates me is that the policies creating the unequal sealing practices do not harken back to the 19th century, but were rather initiated in the 1920s and 1930s under President Heber J. Grant. While Grant attempted to move church members towards a monogamous, nuclear family model, he oversaw new sealing policies, perhaps viewing them as a path to maintain the theology of eternal polygamy while abandoning the lived practice. [side note – Grant, who died in 1945, was the last LDS prophet to live as a polygamous spouse, though he only had one remaining living wife at the time he was president of the Church.]

Unequal temple sealing policies were new 20th-century policies. They have gone through some adaptation over the last century, but they are still not equal and they still create incredible heartbreak and situations of manipulation, abuse, and non-consensual polygamous sealings.

Is it possible for marital polyamory to exist in a non-coercive, consensual way that works well for all parties involved? Yes, I think it is possible for some people.

Is it possible for marital polyamory to exist in a non-coercive, consensual way under a coercive theology that threatens women with destruction if they don’t “consent” and under policies in which women can be sealed polygamously without their consent? No, I don’t think that is possible. Yet that is the present situation that threatens LDS women.

LDS history and practice should inform arguments about marital polyamory in Church-owned publications. Concerns about consent and power imbalances should be used to remove the mote from our own eyes before we look outwards.

For the Strength of Youth: Why I Don’t Feel Super Happy When the Church Makes a Good Change

The cover of the new For the Strength of Youth pamphlet

In General Conference earlier this month, the church introduced a new version of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. Overall, this new version is a massive improvement over the previous one: gone are the gendered and specific modesty requirements, the arbitrary prohibitions on tattoos or piercings, and much of the shaming language. It’s not perfect: it still contains anti-LGBTQ rhetoric (“Feeling same-sex attraction is not a sin,” but don’t act on it and God loves you, basically), and while I find the church’s position on this to be incredibly harmful, it’s still a huge improvement from the now two-versions-removed 1990 FSY booklet I grew up with where gay relationships were placed on the same level as incest. (Yes, incest: “The Lord specifically forbids certain behaviors, including…sex perversion (such as homosexuality, rape, and incest)”. It also deployed words like “abomination” and “unnatural,” and I’m suddenly understanding why it took me until my late twenties to realize Queer folks are, y’know, regular people deserving of love just like me. Anyway.) From a big-picture, look-how-far-we’ve-come perspective, this new edition is a win.

So why, for so many of us, does it not feel like a win?

Any time there is a progressive change in the church, those of us who have been advocating for such changes can sometimes have surprisingly complicated feelings when they finally occur. It can feel validating–hooray, someone else noticed this thing and agreed it needs to be changed!–but it can also feel like gaslighting or erasure when the church doesn’t acknowledge that the original thing was wrong and doesn’t apologize for the harm the original thing caused and immediately pretends that the original thing never existed at all. And suddenly, according to many of our fellow congregants who vigorously defended the original thing but are now very excited about the new change, any pain we continue to feel due to the original thing is no longer valid because the thing no longer exists, thus negating any previous potential harm (nevermind the fact that any harm we experienced before the change was never actually valid to them in the first place because the original thing was obviously how the prophet/Jesus wanted it, so criticism meant we had no testimony). 

When the hearken covenant in the temple was changed a couple years ago and women were no longer required to covenant to hearken to their husbands or promised the “blessing” of becoming queens and priestesses to their husbands while their husbands got to become kings and priests directly to God, I felt happy that no other woman would be completely blindsided by the glaring inequity of the male vs. female covenants like I was. But even though they changed the covenant, which was a good thing, they told people not to talk about it and they buried the same inequity into the new verbiage: men are still to become kings and priests to God, but women are now to become queens and priestesses “in the new and everlasting covenant,” i.e. in marriage, i.e. to their husbands. The language is a little less starkly upsetting now, but it’s still pretty much the same in function. Husbands still take their wives through the veil before marriage acting as their husband-God. And now, gender roles are explicitly stated in the new sealing covenant. I find all of this to be extremely upsetting. So while I’m glad for the improvements, I’m still so angry that millions of women–those who had to covenant to obey their husbands pre-1990, those who had to covenant to hearken to their husbands pre-2019, and those who still notice and feel the inequities today–have had to try to reconcile their understanding of a loving God with the male-centric, man-favoring God in the temple. 

When, three and a half years after it leaked in 2015, the church rescinded its draconian policy which prohibited the blessing or baptism of children with a gay parent and labeled members in a same-sex marriage as apostates, there was celebration but also sadness and anger. The church did not apologize. The church did not acknowledge that the policy was wrong (glaringly, obviously wrong) or even that it was a mistake. The church did not take ownership of the harm it caused, even though people literally died because of their policy. Those of us who advocated for this change were relieved but furious it was ever needed in the first place.

When people, or, indeed, the church itself, celebrate the church-created good coming from a change of policy or doctrine but ignore the church-created bad resulting from whatever the previous doctrine or policy was, it doesn’t feel like a victory. Often, the things that finally force change are a critical mass of collateral damage and social pressure resulting from bad press. The problems that changes solve have been of the church’s own making. It is hard to applaud an organization for righting its own wrongs when there is no repentance, no restitution, no renunciation, no remorse.

How did you feel when you learned of the changes in the new For the Strength of Youth pamphlet? What were your experiences with FSY as a young person, and how did it shape your adolescence and adulthood? We’d like to collect your responses to the one you grew up with and the one just released and share them in our new series, #MyFSY. Please send essay-length submissions (typically between 600-1400 words), along with your preferred author name/moniker, a brief bio, and a public domain (or your own) picture to morewomenplease at gmail dot com. Shorter responses (fewer than 400 words or so) are also welcome and will be bundled and published with other brief submissions; for these, please just include an author name/moniker. Please send your submissions by November 30, 2022.

Growing Up Nonbinary, LDS, and What That Means

This is Bee (the author) on the left, with their twin sister on the right.

Guest Post by B Winward (Bee). Bee grew up a Latter-day Saint in the heart of Utah County, graduated from Young Women’s and Seminary, served a mission to Guatemala and was most recently a Relief Society teacher before the pandemic. Bee uses they/them pronouns, and while coming out as a member of the LGBTQ community eight years ago, they more recently discovered the title of nonbinary or genderqueer as the best way to claim their gender identity. They have a bachelor’s degree in Leadership and have visited 16 countries with a goal to share that every human life has inherent worth.

I have been a confident human the majority of my life- with the exception of middle school. You couldn’t pay me enough to relive that time. Why? Well, because that’s when the changes started.

I am a genderqueer or nonbinary human (human is my favorite label). Growing up as a small child I would tell my mom that I didn’t have any friends. She would then bring it up with my teachers (starting as early as 2nd grade which is 7 years old) and my teachers would look at her in utter confusion and say I seemed to do really well with my peers, just that I was a little shy. It took almost 20 years and some heavy therapy to realize what my 7 year old self was trying to say was “there’s nobody like me here”.

Photos of a young Bee (from top left and going counterclockwise): 1. At age 3 Bee would ask to have a mustache like their dad.  2. Bee’s twin asked to wear her mom’s shirt, so Bee asked to wear their Dad’s (age 5). 3. Bee would get very sad any time they had to wear a dress (age 4). 4. Choosing Superman as their Halloween costume (age 5, with twin sister).

I have a twin sister who fits fairly well into the mold of “girl”. For years people would say things like ‘you don’t have to be the opposite of your sister’ and I didn’t understand why they would say things like that. I was just being me. Playing with the boys, loving getting dirty, loving hot wheels cars and playing sports. I even spread a rumor as a 3 year old that my family was getting a brother (my mom was appalled at this when people started asking if she was pregnant haha). Turns out the brother was me! Or at least I wanted him to be.

 

Top: (age 1) just getting some hugs from their twin. Bottom: (age 3) Bee loved this hat so much they’d ask to wear it every day.

 

So elementary school was all fine and dandy, I didn’t turn into a brother but did end up getting one later on *wink*. Going to middle school was really rough though, it’s when people started talking about their crushes, puberty starts to come around for some, and boys and girls have a starker line separating them as well. My guy friends were now too cool to hang out with me, and because they weren’t attracted to me, they excluded me. I made some great friends, and still definitely got bullied. I didn’t really understand what was going on until years later. And while I started having some crushes I knew it wasn’t appropriate to talk about them. So I picked the guys that were popular and that others talked about and would have “crushes” on them when really, I wanted to be them. This model followed me into my 20s.

My parents generally let me pick out my own clothing, and I loved picking back to school clothes from the boys section. They would pressure me to pick girlier clothing and keep my hair long because I was “so beautiful” and sometimes the kids at school would make fun of me for wearing boys’ clothes. Around age 13 is when I discovered self harm and the release it gave. I could hide anything down deep and release it through self harm. So I did.

I remember when the little buds of breasts started, I would push them down so hard hoping that if I pushed them back into my body maybe they would reabsorb. When that didn’t work, I started using duct tape to tape them down. When that started ripping off skin, I would first do a couple layers of plastic wrap, then keep on the duct tape. I thought over and over if I could just press them back into my body they would stay flat.

Clockwise, starting at top left: 1. Bee played lacrosse throughout high school and loved the team aspect (as well as having somewhere to channel all of their energy to avoid thinking about their feelings). 2. Bee at age 15 – tarp surfing in a church parking lot. 3. Bee with lacrosse goalie and longtime friend – they would paint their faces for each game, then if people talked about them it was about the paint and not for being such ‘tomboys’. 4. Teenage Bee lived for longboarded and being a skater punk.

I would constantly ask my parents how I could get more muscles. At age 12 I stopped drinking soda and eating sugar for years in hopes of getting muscles. I would watch movies and practice walking like the cool guys- to which my dad would scold me with a thump on the head and a “stop walking like a guy”.

I direly wanted my hair short, but any time I brought it up people would talk about how I would look weird or bad or how much more beautiful long hair is.

By the time I was in high school, I had the act down, flirt with the “hot” boys, hang out with the right people, join student government, and play sports. Just put all the other things away. I remember the first boy I kissed. My thought was “this feels wrong” and “why do people like this so much” and “I want this to stop” – to a couple of years later kissing the first girl I ever kissed and everything lighting up like a strobe in the night. “Ohhhh,” I thought – and then, “oh, no…”.

Clockwise, starting at top left: 1. The first and only time Bee got to be the family Christmas elf and they loved it so much! They got to be ‘Carlos’ for the day. 2. At high school graduation with Bee’s lacrosse coach and best friend at the time. They secretly wore shorts under their robe instead of a skirt because they felt so uncomfortable. 3. On a trip to Oregon at age 17 – it was a place that no one judged when Bee talked about cute girls and cutting their hair short. 4. Bee’s high school boyfriend, who would tell Bee he loved “her” a lot. Bee would just kind of nod and ask what kind of adventure they could go on next.

I constantly wondered why I found girls and women so much more interesting, and what the warm tingly feeling was that I would get around them, and why did I want to impress them so badly? While at the same time not feeling comfortable with the guys, knowing I didn’t exactly fit in and I definitely didn’t want what they wanted- to be physical.

It all came to a head when I decided that the only way out of these feelings was to be out of this life. I am so grateful that plan didn’t work out.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Bee’s first day as a missionary in Guatemala – on their 9th day they would cry all night knowing they were gay and trying to fix it. 2. Believing they were “becoming straight and feminine” while serving. 3. Bee let their mission trainer pierce their ears, believing it would make them more feminine. 4. With one of Bee’s dear Guatemalan friends who had just come out to them, both crying because they didn’t know what it meant for their future.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Even as a missionary Bee loved having a bit of a wild side while still being as obedient as they could be. 2. Some parents would ask Bee to take their ‘troubled’ youth out to set them on a better path – not knowing how hard Bee was praying for that for themself, because Bee’s self hatred was off the charts. 3. Missionary Bee would catch all the critters especially if it meant ‘coming to the rescue’ of a woman. 4. P-day as a missionary. Bee went at age 21 and would dress in the baggy shirts as much as possible.

1. Bee was terrified that leaving college rugby and being a missionary would make them lose their strength, so they would lift weights any time they could. 2. Bee found some old clothes in an apartment they moved into and dressed up like an Elder.

College opened many doors for me, including coming out as gay (I personally never felt right with the label lesbian), and eventually coming out as genderqueer. I now have had top surgery and am on testosterone replacement micro dose. I feel more like myself than I ever have, and I’m constantly in awe of the fact that most people walk around every day feeling at home in their bodies.

Unlike many trans folks, I didn’t ever ask God to ‘heal’ me. I would ask forgiveness. I truly believed I was bad. Inherently bad, even evil; no possibility of being good– all while doing many things and becoming a person most people would consider to be a good person. This was my internalized transphobia and it was wrong. I am GOOD.

I know now that my God, the one who lives inside of me and everyone around me is loving and accepting. My God is either a she or they and she knows my heart and doesn’t have the conditions many religions put on her. They are the best parent and guide there ever was, if I believe in any god at all.

***Note: I would love for leaders to understand that even if they think they don’t know any LGBTQ+ people, they probably do, they just don’t know it yet. LGBTQ+ kids exist in every ward and stake. Some will probably identify as nonbinary just like me. Many of them will think it is a survival tactic to push those parts of themselves down and away, just like I did. And when they come out, if they ever choose to, your reaction will matter so much!

If a child comes out to you and you are scared, remember– it’s not about you. Don’t show fear or shame to that child. Talk to someone who has positive experiences with coming out and various expressions of gender and self.

If you as a parent or leader are concerned or uncomfortable for the youth talking to you because they don’t fit into what you have been taught, learn to sit in being uncomfortable. If they are not harming themselves or others don’t force labels on them or even ideas on them that could be harmful i.e. – girls have to have long hair. This human’s best life could come in a form you have never seen before.

For me, it would have been extremely helpful to have had open questions at each of these stages of growing up for example, when I said I didn’t have any friends to have gotten some questions in a safe space such as, “Your teacher said you get along well with others, what is a friend to you?”. Another example would be when I would talk about short hair, “What do you find so amazing about short hair?”.

Any time inclusive language can be used, let’s use it. Things like saying “hey friends” instead of brothers and sisters would have been so great to hear growing up. It also shows you are a safe person.

I also think that just asking direct questions like “do you think you might like girls instead of boys?” or “are you thinking about dying often?” or “what kind of clothes make you feel the most comfortable and why?” Just normalizing that every person has a different experience in life and showing love in each of those experiences.

One of my favorite bishops ever would remind me often that characteristics and traits we tend to label as masculine and feminine all belong in the divine, and Jesus showed and developed them all.

Note from Abby Hansen, the Exponent blogger who asked Bee to submit this guest post: This is the adult Bee, who I met this past year. I’ve never known Bee as anyone other than themselves, but we’ve lived in the same city for two decades (minus their time in Guatemala). Bee even worked at the front desk of my gym for years, though we never talked or officially met during that time. Bee is the kind of person you meet and instantly love. I believe part of the reason they are so compassionate and kind is because of all of the years they struggled to fit in and find acceptance for who they are. I have no idea how many times I passed Bee on my way to a workout, and I never knew what a magnificent human was behind the counter struggling with depression and for acceptance (internally and externally) of their queer identity. Look into those spaces that you usually ignore and find people who are hurting. Like Bee said in this post, there are LGBTQ people in every ward and stake, even if they aren’t out to you or anyone else yet. Those who don’t fit into the gender norms have so much to offer to our church and the entire world, and we need them more than we can possibly imagine. Thanks for being a great human, Bee!

“Latter-day Struggles”

An early contributor to the Exponent said that reading the magazine is like “getting a long letter from a dear friend.” Almost 50 years later, that is my experience. In the Spring Issue, I read an essay that had me saying “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Not quite like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but close. The piece is “Truth over Comfort” by therapist Valerie Hamaker.

The essay addresses “real-talk about womanhood, psychological growth, and spiritual development” and what happens when these things are discouraged in the church, embodied by a real event where Valerie got called out publicly by a mistress of patriarchy. It ends with these lines about how lonely and hard this process can be and the need to mourn with those who mourn: “This begins with encouraging—demanding—open dialogue, and even having the courage to start the conversation. This begins with cultivating the fundamental importance of personal authority. I am choosing truth over comfort.” And when she mentioned that she had started a podcast, “Latter Day Struggles,” to address “the silent suffering of the Latter-day Saint who dares not speak up because they know what will happen,” I knew I needed to reach out to Valerie and help spread the word. 

Valerie is delightful. She’s kind and thoughtful and wicked smart. As a therapist she became aware of the pain that gender issues were causing some of her clients and noticed patterns of suffering among Mormon women that led her to try to uncover what contributed to their pain. She began reading and researching, using what she knows about family systems to inform her approach along with books like Mormon Feminism: Essential Writings. 

When I asked Valerie what inspired her to start her podcast, “Latter-day Struggles,” she said that the things she learned led her to want to share these insights. And she was also spurred by the event she wrote about in Exponent, where she encouraged a group of LDS women to “live a faith that was authentic and connected to God, considering, but not being held hostage to, general handbooks of instruction, or even the folks in the red chairs” (that imagery!) and was called to repentance by a woman in attendance who successfully shut down the whole conversation. I love that in the face of censure her response was not caution, but boldness, not silence, but amplification. 

The first podcast dropped in February of this year and the big themes are gender, sexuality, and power/patriarchy within the context of the LDS church. Let me highlight some episodes to give you a feel for what “Latter-day Struggles” has to offer.

Episode #2 What are Bad Thoughts? In this episode Brannon and Valerie discuss “bad thoughts.”  They talk about how trying to control bad thoughts lead to shame and self rejection. They break down the notion that all sexual thoughts are “bad.”

Episode #9: How Does Ignoring the Divine Feminine Hurt Us? Join Brannon and Val as they look at how history has been trying to demonize and then erase the feminine divine for thousands of years and how the divine stature of women has morphed from holy and revered to marginalized and subservient.  The bottom line: It hasn’t always been this way. Our LDS culture’s current interest in this topic may just be part of the restoration of lost truths.

Episode #25: When Mom Feels Like a Robot Join Valerie in this episode as she breaks down a typical client that comes into her private counseling practice…the numb, exhausted, dutiful, mom. Our work together is to learn more about how she got here and how it’s possible that she can feel so crappy after having done all of the right things. 

Episodes #33: Stages of Faith Development–How We Get Stuck, How We Get Unstuck Join Valerie on this episode as she walks you through one of her Sunstone Presentations breaking down the following:

1) Scott Peck’s Stages of Faith Development

2) Characteristics of institutions in lower stages of faith development

3) Valerie’s theories on why we as an institution are stuck

4) Actual comments from podcast listeners about their faith deconstruction and how this is often faith progression (not regression)

5) Why those in the orthodoxy and those in skepticism struggle with each other 

6) How to become a truly open community where all stages of faith are welcomed

Episode #35: The Shadow of Joseph’s Polygamy and its Ongoing Institutional Reverberations Did you miss the AMAZING Sunstone Symposium 2022?  No worries!  In this episode you’ll catch at least one lecture!  Join Valerie as she shares her session formally called “The Jungian Shadow and Mormon History” where she will cover:

The meaning of the Jungian Shadow How we all try to DENY our personal shadows in creative ways that estrange us from owning and integrating our shadow parts A case study in shadow integration:  King David self confronts with the help of the prophet Nathan A case study in shadow non-integration:  Joseph Smith Jr. does not self confront (in spite of Oliver’s attempts to be his “Nathan”) How this unresolved shadow continues to haunt us as an institution today in the form of deep struggles around the issues of sexuality, patriarchy, and hard power What we can do to help our institution heal from this collective shadow

Episode #43 A Case of Subservience over Conscience In this episode Valerie takes you back to the 1970s and recounts LDS church headquarter’s handling of the national Equal Rights Amendment [ERA] and how large numbers of church members gladly relinquished their own wisdom and judgment in the service of loyalty to the institution.  After tracing these fascinating events, Valerie shares several thoughts about what this cautionary tale can teach us about the dangers of a society that struggles cultivating in its membership spiritual discernment, psychological freedom, and agency to act according to conscience.  

What has been the response to this podcast? For the first six months it had about 5k downloads, but since July and Valerie’s appearance at Sunstone, it has shot to 39k and growing. When I asked Valerie why it seems to resonate with so many, she thinks it’s because they (she currently has her husband Nathan as a co-host, early on it was a fellow therapist Brannon Patrick) are faithful truth tellers who are not orthodox or apologetic and are actively engaged in the gospel. 

I am not the only person to reach out to Valerie. She had so many folks looking for guidance on how to “honorably navigate a faith crisis” that she started weekly virtual support groups, which she personally facilitates. Here is how she describes them:  

My vision is to offer a safe place for people to process their faith journeys. I try to integrate my understanding of trauma with my understanding of the unique nature of LDS doctrine, theology, loyalty, testimony in God [on the bright side] with my understanding of struggles with truth claims, social issues, and our collective and ingrained fear of personal authority [on the dark side, lol]. It’s a place to help people not feel alone and feel validated in the complexities of their experience in the current LDS church. It also helps them find people in a similar “place” on their faith journey with whom they can connect in real life. Those interested should email Valerie at info@valeriehamaker.com

If Exponent is like reading a letter from a friend, then this podcast is like a satisfying discussion with one. Join the conversation. 

The podcast can be found on Spotify, Apple, Google, Overcast, and more.

Call for Pitches: Exponent II Magazine Theology Feature

The Theology Feature showcases original theological work by women and gender minorities. If you have been struggling, pondering, or engaging with Mormon doctrine, we want to hear from you!

Essays for the feature may take many different approaches, including: identifying or resolving tensions within Mormon teachings; emphasizing distinctive doctrinal possibilities offered by Mormonism, especially those that may not be fully developed by the current institutional church; developing Mormon feminism through engagement with other theologies; or drawing from scholarship in other traditions to clarify or question aspects of Mormonism. Whatever their perspective, theological essays seek to highlight liberatory opportunities for marginalized individuals and communities.

Published pieces are argumentative essays around 2200-2400 words long. They should conform to the mission of Exponent II and follow the submission guidelines.

To be considered, submit a 350-500 word pitch for an article to Eliza Wells (elizaw@mit.edu). Successful pitches will be workshopped and developed into longer pieces with the help of the feature editor. We are able to compensate writers for their work with a $50 honorarium. 

It’s Time to Ditch Gender Reveal Parties

A couple stands over a cake and each announces their guess for what it will reveal. “Girl,” the father says confidently and, perhaps, resignedly. “Boy,” the mother declares hopefully; doubtfully. They cut into the cake and, as large, pink nonpareils emerged, they laugh and she looks at him almost apologetically. Another girl. Sigh.

Growing up at the fourth daughter in a family with just four daughters, I heard the jokes repeatedly. I felt the jokes too. Can you imagine my parents disappointment? Why couldn’t they make boys? Who would grow up to be like Dad? How could he bear to be surrounded by so much estrogen?

The opposite happens, of course. Women proudly wear “boy mom” t-shirts and must long for a girl to dress up. People ask her if she will “keep trying” until she “gets her girl.”

We have this odd obsession with sex from before a child even fully forms. And we traditionally conflate sex and gender into one meaning from the beginning, too, creating rigid expectations of children.

Society is more open to new definitions of gender and gender representation that allow for people to be more authentic. But, deep down, many of us still expect babies to emerge distinctly pink and blue with special boy/girl ways of crying, sleeping, playing, and babying. I know I did the first time.

So, what am I saying? Are there not differences? Do sex and gender not matter? I do write for a blog highlighting women’s voices.

As long as social constructs remain and divide us (some focused on biological differences) then, yes, they do matter. But what I once understood as a difference of gender, I am learning is a difference of biological sex. With this is mind, we are having “biological sex reveal” parties, not “gender reveal” parties.

This is so significant because gender is far more colorful than blue and pink. (Biological Sex is too, actually). Our traditional ways of splitting up people by biological sex in and out of the church make far less sense when we move away from these rigid, outdated definitions of blue/pink and look at the beautiful and diverse ways to be masculine/feminine and male/female.

I don’t pretend to know or believe that church structures are going to change in regard to grouping people by biological male and female. I do, however, want to encourage new parents to think beyond the “gender reveal” to make the church healthier and safer for everyone who attends.

As a new and experienced mom, I soon found that babies were just babies. They challenged stereotypes. Boys are sensitive and nurturing. Girls are rowdy and dirty. Kids are little, unique people born without any preconceived notions of what they “should” be based on their biological sex. And, frankly, it’s awesome.

And I’m not saying don’t have trucks or dolls. I’m saying have trucks and dolls and let them show you who they are. It may be more traditionally, culturally pink or blue and it may not be. Either way, it’s beautiful. And parents who view this as healthy help their children see that it’s beautiful too. Then, the world, and the church, will be safer and healthier as well.

5 Things to Do Instead of a Gender Reveal Party:

Favorite Children’s Book PartyName Suggestion Party“We’re Expecting!” PartyGuess the Due Date PartyWelcome to the Family Party