Exponent II's Blog, page 20

Loud Laughter is Holy Laughter

There were a lot of things that made attending the temple an uncomfortable experience for me. One of the hardest parts was when I was commanded to avoid loud laughter. 

I’m naturally a loud person. I can sit still and be quiet, but if you get me going in a conversation I’ll be loud – very loud. I love to tell boisterous stories. I physically can’t whisper. And I have a very distinct loud laugh. 

So to go to the temple and hear that I was supposed to avoid loud laughter was hard for me. 

I spent years puzzling over what exactly was meant by loud laughter. I also wondered how I was supposed to avoid it if my loud laugh was something I couldn’t really control.

The last time I went to the temple was the first time I didn’t have to covenant to avoid loud laughter. I was happy that that admonition was no longer part of the ceremony. But I also felt a little cheated. I’d spent 15 years worrying about that specific part of the ceremony – and now it was just gone. No explanation. No apology for making me question part of my personality. It was just removed without comment. 

There are a lot of reasons I don’t go to the temple anymore, but the fact that someone made a decision to have that wording removed – without acknowledging that it had hurt people – is one reason I don’t want to go. I don’t want to pretend that the temple is so wonderful now when it made me feel bad about myself for years.

Around the same time that I went to the temple for the last time, I went to an overnight retreat hosted by a nondenominational church where I attended Bible Study. At the end of the retreat one of my friends gave me a hug and told me, “I love your loud laugh. My mom had a loud laugh and whenever I hear you laugh I think of her.”

That was the first time I’d ever been told that someone loved my loud laugh. It’s not lost on me that the complement was given by someone who wasn’t part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No one who had gone through the temple pre 2023 would ever think to compliment someone on their loud laugh.

That complement was the first step in feeling better about my loud laugh. Recently, I had an another experience where I learned that loud laughter isn’t profane. It’s actually holy, and healing. 

My family has started participating in community theatre. In March I was in a production of Cinderella with my two 14 year old daughters. We all had very small ensemble parts and were only on stage for about four scenes. We had backstage jobs though. My daughters helped with moving the set and I helped with the costume changes – especially Cinderella’s transforming dresses. I was backstage in the wings for most of the show. 

We had good sized audiences every night, but sometimes they weren’t laughing at the silly parts of the play as much as we’d like. It was hard to hear a good joke that only got a few laughs. However, on the nights with responsive audiences everyone would perk up and say, “Oh this audience is good.”

I hadn’t realized how well the sound of a good laugh carried backstage. Some especially loud laughs were picked up by the actors’ microphones and transmitted down to the green room. 

I loved when I could hear my friends with distinctive laughs in the audience. One night we could hear a friend from the theatre community laughing. Everyone was like “Oh ____ is in the audience!” Another night I could pick out the laugh of a man from my ward. I thought, “I know that laugh. That’s ______.”

The best night was when I heard my daughter. My 11 year old daughter hadn’t done the show with me and her older sisters. She came to see it and sat on the front row with my dad.

I’d had a hard day and was feeling sad and worn down as we started that performance. About 15 minutes into the show I realized that I could pick out my daughter’s laugh. She was laughing at everything – silly line deliveries, physical comedy, overdramatic moments. She caught every comedic element and laughed in response. 

Hearing her enjoy the show was life giving. All the sadness and hurt feelings from earlier in the day evaporated when I heard her loud laugh carry backstage. 

A week later she came to the show again with my husband and son. She was sitting further back so her laugh didn’t carry as well, but I could still pick it out a few times throughout the night. 

As I’ve reflected on how beautiful her laughter was I can’t help think about the words of the temple ceremony that hurt my soul and made me self conscious about my laugh for 15 years. I’m glad that if my daughter chooses to go to the temple she will never hear words that make her doubt her laugh. But I’m angry that so many of us did hear those words.

How about you? Did that part of the temple ceremony affect you in any way? Were you made to feel self conscious about having a loud laugh? How do you feel now that the wording has been removed?

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The Bible Says So

Book Review of Dan McClellan’s latests book, The Bible Says So.

I know the truth.

I can testify so.

I have all the answers and I can prove them.

Where does all truth come from?

God.

Where do we get God’s word?

Scriptures.

The End.

(A quick look at all Christian denominations as understood by this blog author, Melissa Tyler)

The Bible Says So, written by Bible Scholar Dan McClellan outlines 19 hot topics on truth claims made by the Bible…or rather made by religions or people of differing religious beliefs, referencing the Bible as the source. Topics that many religions claim to have THE answer of authority or truth on because… the Bible said so.

However each religion can claim a biblical source that supports their stance and those stances can be on different sides of the spectrum. “You can make the Bible say whatever you want it to say” “Religions all make God in their own image”, says Dan. But if you get down to the source, if you learn who actually wrote what you are referencing, or go back to the original text’s language, well then your reference most likely may not hold up.

Whatever approach we choose, we create the meaning.

I have grown up with Sunday school teacher’s, religious leader’s, and of course Seminary teacher’s personal interpretations of scripture. If the Bible supported the LDS doctrine, it was true. If the Bible verses did not support LDS doctrine, then the monks must have messed it up.

“Our cognitive default is to favor dogma over data…it ain’t easy, it’s work dammit, it’s work.”

The refreshing thing about Dan McClellan and his work, “data over dogma”, which are not only words he lives by, but the name of his podcast, is that he does not try to extrapolate religious doctrine from the text, but simply states what the words say. He will tell you if your conclusions are wrong, especially if they hurt any marginalized or less powerful group of people.

This is the refreshing part. Many on and off line Preachers, Pastors, Apologists, Prophets, Apostles, past Popes, and lay members of all sects- have used the Bible to marginalize minorities and minority groups. But McClellan will show you how it is foolish to try and do so. He will not allow the Bible to be used as a weapon.

At the same time, he will point out that the Bible also promotes ideas and rules that I’m sure we wish were not a part of the text. Such as the examples given in chapter 8 of his book that state victims must marry their rapists, or in chapter 11 that shows where the Bible says you should sacrifice your first born child.

It should not be concluded however, that it’s okay to do these practices, but that we should take a critical look at who wrote the Bible and why…and spoiler… it’s not God. This is where it is beneficial to be or learn from a critical scholar vs be or learn from a regular reader of the Bible trying to creating meaning with it.

…”started making trouble in the neighborhood..”

There were many times while listening to the audio version of The Bible Says So, that I laughed out loud, which for a book on the Bible, is pretty impressive. Dan actually makes biblical study interesting.

The book is peppered with music lines and pop culture quotes that a child born in the 80’s will definitely catch. Especially if your parents let the TV raise you like mine did, and you watched way too many sitcoms, MTV, and VH1.

“Despite its frequent misogyny, the Bible absolutely nowhere authorizes or polices women’s dress.”

One topic that McClellan discusses the biblical contradictions well, are his chapters on women and more particularly, Abortion. He helps the reader recognize that there are many different versions of the Bible or what makes up the Bible for each religion. He points out that Jewish interpretation states that the “breath of life” a baby takes once they have exited the Mother’s womb, is what makes a baby human. There are other biblical verses that speak of knowing someone before they were born making one wonder when the spirit enters the body, pitting ideologies against each other.

That is to say, the Biblical contradictions make it impossible to know what is actually ideologically or doctrinally true. It also makes it unethical and amoral to push one person’s interpretation of the Bible onto another and make it law….because the Bible says so….because it actually doesn’t.

LDS church doctrine, it should be noted, does not take a stance on when the spirit enters the body and gives mixed messaging on abortion. My own grandmother back in the 50’s was told not to bury her six month old miscarried baby, due to her leaders advice in regards to whether the baby’s body had been inhabited by the spirit or not.

“Strictly speaking, the Bible does not mean anything until it is interpreted. Appeal to textual agency, “but the Bible says”, is far too simple an evasion of the readers responsibility.” John J. Collins

Dan’s purpose, which he states much better himself in his own conclusion, is to take the Bible down to the original text and what those words translate to be while understanding the context of the authors historical setting.

“But this is what interpreting the Bible is!” you may say. However, it’s the meaning put into to fit a dogma instead of analyzing the data for what it just says….and there in lies the work Dan speaks of.

“Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul…” Walt Whitman.

Dan McClellan’s work is worth your time. In fact, it’s a great gift. I plan to give it to my parents and in-laws.

You can find The Bible Says So here.

*Related blog posts.

What Happens in New Hampshire—Exponent II Retreat Reflections

Registration for the 2025 Exponent II retreat opens this Saturday, May 3. It will be held September 19-21, 2025, in Greenfield, New Hampshire. Sylvia Cabus will be this year’s keynote speaker. Consider registering! Find more info here.

What began in 1983 as a “reunion” to celebrate Exponent II’s tenth anniversary has blossomed into an annual sanctuary for connection, reflection, and empowerment among Mormon feminists.

The essays and short reflections about that first national retreat were a wealth of information and insight for me and Heather Sundahl while writing Fifty Years of Exponent II. And though the magazine has continued to publish essays about the retreat (like this one and this one), I wanted to capture the spirit of the Exponent II retreat for recent participants.

Their responses indicate that participants find the Exponent II retreat to be a deeply accepting and empowering gathering where Mormon women and gender minorities across the spectrum of belief can authentically express their identities.

The retreat’s essence is captured in simple yet profound moments of connection, spiritual renewal, and emotional intimacy through practices ranging from mealtime conversations to communal singing to nighttime games or campfires. Attendees frequently leave with transformative insights that have encouraged them to pursue significant life decisions, redefine their spiritual identities, and reclaim personal authority in powerful, lasting ways.

Check out their responses, and add your own to the comments!

How would you describe the Exponent II retreat to someone who has never attended?

Here’s your chance to be whoever you are, while among other Mormon women who long for permission to be whoever they are, too.Meeting Mormon feminists from all over the country does a body and soul GOOD!!!! I go for the community, the gorgeous retreat center (autumn in rural New Hampshire!), the talent show, and hearing from incredible keynote speakers.I once heard someone describe Midwest Pilgrims as “Relief Society for liberals,” and I think if we just add “on steroids,” it helps explain Exponent II.It’s a place of radical acceptance—wherever you are on the Mormon spectrum, retreat is a place of curiosity, clarity, celebration, healing, and friendship like no place I have ever been.Photo Credit: Anna Ream

What’s a cherished ritual or tradition that you always look forward to?

This might not be the popular answer, but I love meal times sitting by people I don’t know and getting to know them. I’m always curious about how people hear about the retreat and what brought them there. I’ve met some incredible people that way and have had conversations I won’t forget.Friday night intros.Bunking with my besties! We laugh, we cry, we plan skits, we process. Also, the presence and embodiment that leads to some of the most surprising and transformative moments.Photo Credit: Anna Ream

What captures the essence of the retreat for you?

Walking down a gravel path in the darkness of night with a loose line of about twelve other women, one wearing a cape. We stop at a clearing by a lake that reflects the moonlight onto our gathering. We improv ritual, testing and trying and bold. It’s warm as the midnight breeze rustles the leaves in the trees we can barely see. The fire we started with wet wood pops and cracks while women talk and laugh and bless and cry.Singing Dona Nobis Pacem at the end of the retreat. Feeling the love for every woman there because of the time/thoughts/feelings/presence that we have shared.[Participating in giving] baby blessings.The Quaker meeting on the last day is a great way to wrap up the weekend. Outdoors, sun in our faces, looking down at the speakers and listening to what is in their hearts as we all go our separate ways… with clarity for the directions our lives need to take, validation for our grievances, and a type of soul renewal!Photo Credit: Anna Ream

Have you ever taken an insight from a retreat and applied it in your life? What was it, and what difference did it make?

I signed up to take prerequisite classes for a master’s degree after attending retreat for the first time and loved it. I felt so inspired by all the social workers and it felt empowering to do something for myself. I haven’t completed my goal but I am grateful for the examples and life-changing conversations I had to give me the courage to start.I was just thinking today that it wouldn’t matter if I moved to another ward, because I’ve decided that the church hierarchy has no power over me. I can be my kind of Mormon wherever I am.The retreat introduced me to an array of Mormon women . . . including my first encounter with a former “all in” woman . . . who had left the LDS church. Seeing the array of women and hearing their experiences was valuable for me.I myself have moved on and am a member of a mainline Protestant denomination. The 1987 retreat was an eye-opener for me, and I certainly recall it fondly as one of the highlights of my early young adult Mormon life. I went from a nuanced Mormon to a nuanced mainline Protestant. I enjoy reading the Exponent II blog.Heather’s Mistresses of Patriarchy talk (spiritual autobiography?) really left a mark on me. It helped me to understand how women can be just as misogynistic as men. Page Turner’s bundling workshop made me aware of what and how I choose to bundle things: objects, thoughts and beliefs. Victoria Grover’s spiritual journey/disastrous solo hike was spellbinding. I was in awe of her faith and strength.The boldness of the women there is life-changing. Witnessing women claim their authority in a way nonexistent in my religious upbringing is a significant insight that I have taken from retreat and I am slowly learning how to explore my own authority. I’m inspired by women like Kyra Krakos and the way she talks and blesses—I’ve never seen anything like it. Also, the way introductions celebrate the group and how trust can be a gift.Photo Credit: Anna Ream

Sign up for the Exponent II monthly newsletter to stay updated with announcements and retreat registration information. As this blog series develops, read more blog posts about the Exponent II retreat.

Guest Post: The Number One Reason LDS Women Are Leaving Religion

Guest Post by Dr. Rebecca Lucero Jones

On March 22nd, Jared Halverson, an associate professor of Ancient Scripture at Brigham Young University, used his social media platform “Unshaken Saints” to persuade LDS women to remain in the pews of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Halverson voiced his surprise, citing a 2023 survey report, that more women than men are now leaving religion. He shared, “Women have always outnumbered men, not at the pulpit, but in the pew, and so often it’s these sister Saints organizing benevolent societies…doing incredible things.”

Women flooded the comments to share their opinions, expressing shock and pain that a LDS religious scholar had trouble making sense of why women are leaving the faith. As an academic, and a woman who no longer participates in the LDS church, I was astonished to see a man lay out the evidence of inequity in the church and remain puzzled as to why many women no longer want to take the deal the church offers them. So why is a man with so much religious and secular knowledge caught off guard and surprised at women’s mass exit from the church?

The answer is a patriarchal framework. In her TED talk, Kimberlé Crenshaw poignantly demonstrates that frameworks determine whether we retain information. Without a framework, we will not see a problem, thus we cannot solve it. The church admits that it adheres to a patriarchal structure where men are positioned to receive the priesthood and exercise authority over the church due to their gender. In such a structure, men are valued over women. What this means practically is that within this framework, only men have access to new knowledge that would be relevant to the whole group. While the concept of personal revelation allows a woman to have new knowledge related to herself or her children, women are almost never allowed to have knowledge over anything other than themselves and their children. For example, in the church, a Relief Society president can seek revelation in selecting her counselors but even in her leadership role, she does not have autonomous decision-making power and must submit the recommended names to her bishop who may or may not approve.

The result of this patriarchal framework means that when women gain knowledge about the group, it is quickly dismissed. Under this framework, men gain knowledge for the group first by virtue of their gender. Anything gained in another way will be kicked down the road and considered when presented by a man who is in the correct place in the hierarchy.

While LDS leaders have no structured way of listening to women, women have been talking. They have been meeting with leaders and writing the first presidency. Yet, all avenues of feedback in which women might share new knowledge are filtered by a hierarchical structure that cannot receive them in a meaningful way. Women have been seeking a collaborative relationship with the church asking for women to pray in conference, more women speakers, garments that account for the needs of women’s bodies, and much more. But even female conference speakers more often select topics that support power and decision-making being concentrated in men.

Female wisdom exists and comes from the lived experience of going through life as a woman. The rise of social media has allowed a democratic rise of voices, and women connect with other women as they share the female wisdom they gain as they navigate the difficulties of life with a spiritual perspective.

Female wisdom is often suppressed in the LDS church. Truth and light in the LDS church is only permitted if it comes through a man and upholds the patriarchal structure. So what happens when LDS women begin to see thought leaders or women of other religions sharing their female wisdom? I would argue that LDS women are primed, more than those of other faiths, to leave the church and spend their time and energy listening to female wisdom, or even cultivating their own wisdom, because of how intensely the church teaches us to seek out truth and light. Halverson is right: women have been sitting in the pews. We’ve been listening, intently cultivating our faith, and we recognize wisdom. We have outgrown a framework that cannot hold us. We will continue to find truth because we are not limited by a framework that fails to see our problems and thus cannot offer us solutions.

The exodus of LDS women mirrors the Mormon pioneers’ own journey. We leave the comfort of a highly organized society to go into the wilderness. Like our ancestors, we do not fear the unknown. We know that our people may not understand our path. But in a patriarchal world, in a patriarchal church, we are uniquely prepared to follow the feminine wisdom that comes from within us.

Sources:

Crenshaw, K. October 2016. The urgency of intersectionality. Ted. https://www.ted.com/talks/kimberle_crenshaw_the_urgency_of_intersectionality/transcript

Halverson, J. March 22, 2025. Instagram. Unshaken Saints. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHg0QNFpwHH/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Definition of Patriarchy. Oxford Reference.https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/oi/authority.20110803100310604

Dr. Rebecca Lucero Jones is a professor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Supervisor. She hosts the podcast “Keeping it up with the Joneses” with her husband where they delve into their published research on sexual communication within committed relationships. She resides in Texas with her husband and three children.

Is There a Right Kind of Patriarchy?

Recently on Instagram, a woman shared a video defending church patriarchy. She said: “We’re not the kind of church patriarchy that the world says we are” before proceeding to defend church patriarchy by describing what she calls ‘kinsmen patriarchy’ that she says existed in the Old Testament. Basically her argument is that in the Old Testament men took care of and protected their relatives, the prophet is the literal mouthpiece of God, God is benevolent like an Old Testament kinsman therefore church patriarchy is acceptable and glorious.

Her argument requires belief in several assumptions such as assuming God is only a singular male being, assuming church administrative structure extends into heaven, and assuming that they way people lived in the Hebrew Bible provides a divinely inspired model for the church’s power structure today. I could write a post about those assumptions. However, that is not where I want to focus because the same day that I saw her post I also saw the ever eloquent Dr. Dan McCllelan post a response to a video about slavery in the bible. While listening to Dan, I realized that exchanging the word patriarchy for slavery explains the mental pretzels this woman, whose name I am not sharing, uses to defend patriarchy.

Note: I want to say that while the topic of slavery helped me understand patriarchy, I am in no way saying that patriarchy is equal to the horrors of enslaving other human beings. Humans mistreating others by enslaving them is evil and harmful on an unspeakable gut wrenching level and the damage caused by race based enslavement still exists today.  

Here is the beginning of Dan’s video: Is there a right way to practice slavery? Hey everybody, I’m Dan McClellan. I’m a scholar of the Bible and religion. Let’s take a look at a video. Does the bible endorse slavery? 

Video of another person: Yes, of course. Paul, a slave of Christ Jesus James, a slave of God, and of the Lord Jesus Christ, Peter, a slave of Jesus Christ, Jude, a slave of Jesus Christ. Don’t forget John, he is also a slave of Jesus. The fact is, the Bible doesn’t ever condemn slavery outright because God himself is a slave owner. God can’t condemn himself. Obviously, the issue is between evil slave owners mistreating their slaves and good slave owners. If you are a good slave owner there is nothing wrong with that.

Dan: So obviously, there’s no such thing as benevolent slavery. The practice itself of buying, selling, and owning other human beings, absolutely, irrespective of how they are treated is fundamentally evil. 

This was a lightbulb moment for me. This woman basically said that because there was patriarchy or father/kinsman rule in the Old Testament, then that means God is our head kinsman so patriarchy is acceptable. She asserts that church patriarchy is not the “world’s” patriarchy which in her argument means the issue isn’t patriarchy; patriarchy in the church is acceptable because the male rulers are kind and the ultimate male ruler is God.

I say that the practice of patriarchy, defined as some men ruling over the rest of men, women, and everyone else, irrespective of how they are treated or how people practiced this Biblical times, is fundamentally wrong. When some men rule over other men a number of practices and beliefs commonly occur. Artistic men are treated as less than men who like sports. Gay men are treated as less than heterosexual men. Women are paid less than men. Trans people are harassed. All of things actions are harmful and therefore wrong. To continue, it is harmful and wrong to:

Say girls can wear dresses but boys can’tUse one person’s preferred name but not another person’s preferred nameSay that real men don’t cry while also saying that women are too emotionalHave people in power pass laws making it harder for other people to get an education and use a public bathroomTell women that motherhood is their main purpose then provide broken chairs and stinky rooms for them to nurse in while male leaders sit in plush chairsEncourage girls to take dance classes yet belittle boys who want to danceSay that women must nurture their children while depriving men of support for nurturing their childrenTrain men to view women as sexual objectsTeach women that they must accept church sanctioned infidelity (aka polygamy)Take away male agency by saying that they must serve missionsPlace the burden of providing for family solely on men while simultaneously restricting economic opportunities for womenReward girls and women for acting tough while boys and men are denigrated for acting sensitivelyTell boys that their specific sexual organs qualify them to pass the sacrament while telling girls that their specific sexual organs disqualify them from passing the sacramentTell boys they can’t read books about princesses and forbid them from meeting female authors while girls can read books with boys as the main characterAnything practice or belief that squeezes the light out of another person

All of the above are examples of patriarchal beliefs and practices. Patriarchy is a power structure. These beliefs and practices stemming from this power structure wound people. Patriarchy hurts those under its rule by limiting the growth of those in power, limiting the growth of those under its power, and by limiting opportunities for human potential for growth and connection for everyone in the system. It is fundamentally evil for humans to harm other humans. 

Returning again to Dan’s video: So why do we have an apologist endorsing a fundamentally evil perspective? Well, it comes down to two different things, the more foundational thing is that this functions as costly signaling and as a credibility enhancing display. Apologetics is about advancing one’s own standing within the social identities that are important to them by trying to satisfy or resolve the cognitive dissonance experienced by the members of those social identities. So, as I’ve pointed out many times, apologetics is about performing confidence and conviction to an audience that already agrees with your dogmas, but is struggling with cognitive dissonance and wants to be made to feel validated and authorized in those dogmas. Despite that cognitive dissonance, folks who can perform in a more convincing way, that confidence and that conviction can reach a wider audience, and they can advance their standing within those social identities…..There is going to be an audience…who are willing to waive the identity marker of yes, slavery can be done in the right way if God can do it and be the ideal enslaver, then there must be a right way to practice slavery. Among people, then you just make it a question of how benevolently you treat the folks you own and are buying and selling.

Suddenly I understood that there are going to be people, even women, who are willing to waive the identity marker of yes, patriarchy, like slavery, can be done in the right way if Old Testament people can do it and God can be the ideal patriarch, then there must be a right way to practice patriarchy. Among people, you just make it a question of how benevolently you treat the folks you have power over and rule over. Listening to Dan is when I finally understood why the woman I saw on Instagram defended her subordinate position in patriarchy by justifying it if it is practiced benevolently. She was both advancing her standing within a social identity important to her (I assume that identity is being a good Mormon woman)  and was also trying to satisfy or resolve the cognitive dissonance experienced being a member of that social identity. 

This woman sells books at Deseret Book, sells scripture study plans on her website, and also offers speaking engagements. Defending patriarchy advances her standing within the church institution and she will be rewarded monetarily. Even for women who do not stand to gain money from the defense of patriarchy, they still defend it because of identity politics; of what they gain. Women can gain church callings, acceptance in a social group at church, and approval from extended family. These things are not insignificant as people who have lost this social standing have shared pain regarding their experiences of loss. 

As for cognitive dissonance she has experienced, I can only speculate about that dissonance. Even when people are not fully aware of their cognitive dissonance, I have observed that cognitive dissonance can cause distress and discomfort. I have seen women suffer from anxiety and other mental health issues. I have seen women form tight social cliques at church. I have seen women run themselves into the ground serving others in hopes of gaining approval. It seems that humans really do not want to exist in pain and will find ways to relieve the pain even if they are unaware of its source. 

Dan is not the first person to identify and articulate why people defend ideas and practices that harm other people. It is, however, the first time I have truly understood why a grown ass woman in her 40’s would defend her own subordination. 

So, is there a right way to practice patriarchy? The pain inflicted by patriarchy says that there is not. We can instead create a church administrative and theological structure around connection, caring, and partnership that nurtures every human being. Letting go of patriarchy does not change the existence of God, does not change what Jesus did, does not change what Joseph Smith saw in the grove. Truth, by its very definition, withstands change and scrutiny. Instead of fear, let us embrace the unknown with curiosity and wonder about what we might discover.

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 45 “The Promises … Shall Be Fulfilled”

Why Do We Need Jesus as an Advocate? (Doctrine and Covenants 45:3-5)

Our Heavenly Parents are pleased with how they created us and with all the efforts we make to grow, love, and reach our potential. They recognize we need their grace and compassion and understand our developmental needs and the value of us learning from our mistakes. Why then should there need to be an intermediary between us and them? Why would they send one child to bear the brunt of what goes wrong on earth and to plead with them to forgive and accept others? Even mortal parents don’t need mediators to beg them to forgive children’s developmentally understandable mistakes.

One way to grapple with these important questions is by learning about atonement theories. While one branch, “objective” atonement theories, assume that Jesus’s role centers on divine needs and requirements, and this is the most commonly used framework, others, including “subjective” theories, and Girardian models, explore other possibilities. They consider how the role Jesus fills might be much more in response to human scruples and spiritual needs rather than any divine ones. In such alternative models, the people who are satisfied and brought to unity and peace by Jesus’s suffering and advocacy are us humans. Some models emphasize that Jesus’ suffering for human sin helps us to forgive others. Some emphasize how Jesus’s actions reveal God’s goodness and love. Others emphasize Jesus’s actions teach us great lessons and transform us by revealing the absurdity and futility of scapegoating and violent retribution, and breaking these cycles.

To this we could add that Jesus’ advocacy can work as an antidote to humans’ self-loathing, hopelessness or shame. Maybe it is not God’s requirements or anger that Jesus staves off, but instead our inner critics and convictions of personal inadequacy. It is with us that Jesus pleads. Unburden yourselves of the mistakes and scars that haunt you–leave them behind. I’ve washed it all away myself, paid for you sense of guilt. Look, you’re already on a path to return to my presence. See how badly I want you in my life?! 

Questions for considerationWhat do you think of the possibility that God is already forgiving and satisfied, and it is humans who need Jesus’s acts of shared suffering and advocacy?From your experience, how do Jesus’s redemptive acts and advocacy most help humans emotionally and spiritually? How are they most helping you at this point in your spiritual journey?What do you find most mysterious or complex about Jesus’s role as a redeemer and healer? How has perspective of Him and his unique purpose grown or changed over time?Latter-day Saint religious philosopher Adam Miller is known for writing his own “paraphrases” of scriptures inspired by other scriptural passages and useful sources and the best insights or clarity he can bring to a passage of scripture. How would you paraphrase verses 3-5 to have more clarity and insights based on contemporary life for you?What is the Everlasting Covenant? (Doctrine and Covenants 45:9-10)

In our tradition, we have referred to the everlasting covenant as the restored gospel, the fullness of the gospel, temple covenants, or eternal marriage. What is the everlasting covenant exactly? Does it pertain only to our faith tradition? It is in the Bible that this idea originates, and studying Old Testament prophets may provide some perspective. In his 2025 book The Tears of Things, Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr discusses how during Jeremiah’s prophetic period, God extended a “unilateral” covenant of love toward humans (Jeremiah 31). God promises to transform our hearts, extend love and grace, embrace us all as Their people and Their children, and forgive and forget our sins. The strange thing about this covenant is that God makes no demands in return.

This superseded an older covenant communicated by OT prophets in which a relationship with God had a prerequisite of obedience. Starting with Jeremiah, prophets began to reveal that God is actually committed to loving, helping, and forgiving humans regardless of what humans do for their part! It is of this love that Jesus spoke when he referred to the new and everlasting covenant during the Last Supper. The everlasting covenant is not a uniquely Latter-day Saint idea or blessing; it applies to every faith tradition that values the Torah or the Bible and the whole earth, there is no prerequisite or exclusivity in God’s promise of unending commitment to help the human family. Here in D&C 45 as in Isaiah 1:18, the reference to God’s “reasoning” is unexpectedly all about forgiveness, grace, and joyful reconciliation. 

We can certainly find God’s commitment to loving humans forever in the restored gospel and in temple ritual experiences, but we might find expanded joy and meaning in the recognition that the everlasting covenant includes all and is celebrated by other people of faith.

Rohr warns that many Christian groups today resist letting God love them without proving themselves. As he explains, “Our refusal to allow ourselves to be loved undeservedly and unconditionally will probably forever be the anguish of every prophet and the burden of every mystic or saint. (The Tears of Things 79-80).

Why do you think people struggle to believe that God loves them or to let God’s love in?How has God’s commitment to you changed your life?What is something you can do to help yourself feel God’s love and commitment to you more in your daily life?How can we let go of tendencies in our tradition to assert that God’s love and approval are exclusive to us?In our Church communities, how can let trust in God’s love prevail instead of hustling for flawless obedience to feel loved and seen in our relationships with God?Troubling Events that will come before the Second Coming are Cause for Sorrow Rather than Vindication

Many of the images and ideas in Doctrine and Covenants 45 come from Mathew 24, in which Jesus prophesies about unsettling events that will happen before he returns to the earth. Mathew 24 has a very somber tone; Jesus isn’t happy about what’s to come. Bad things will happen to his disciples and apostles. They will be hated and harmed; they are warned about dangers and deceptions. 

From a traditional Latter-day Saint stance, in which we tend to emphasize the exclusive truthfulness of our version of the gospel and church, it is very easy to read passage like Doctrine and Covenants 45 with a sense of satisfaction or vindication as we read of destructive events people of other lifestyles or belief systems may someday face while our own group is promised blessings.

There’s a good chance that the early saints to whom Doctrine and Covenants 45 was given may have received it with such as sense of self-focused gratification. The preface paraphrases a fragment from Joseph Smith’s record, indicating, “at this age of the Church … many false reports … and foolish stories, were published … and circulated, … to prevent people from investigating the work, or embracing the faith. … But to the joy of the Saints, … I received the following.”

The saints were facing discouraging times. Did they feel insecure? Angry? Rejected? Why did this revelation make them feel joyful when it has much of the same content as Matthew 24? It is true it is a fairly different text. It is longer text, a bit harsher on outsiders, and a bit more triumphant about the victories and safety that await Jesus’s followers. The early Saints could easily use this text to feel vindicated that while they were right and righteous, their antagonists would be punished.

Yet the gospel teaches us that how we feel about others should be more intentional, and not driven by fears or insecurities. If we cleave to a vindictive, comfortable mindset of superiority, we’re out of touch with the real spirit of Jesus’s prophecies. These are sorrowful events that call for tears. Most of what he prophecies are things that will come to pass due to tribulation and wickedness on the earth and are not things he is actively doing. Many innocent people will be harmed and suffer due to these events.

Often, we talk about wickedness or wrong living as being centered in spiritual belief systems. Are people atheist? Not Christian? We place them in an inferior category spiritually in broad strokes without looking closely at their spiritual or moral lives or considering that most people simply inherit their worldviews from their predecessors and often don’t actually have much choice or education concerning the matter. Doctrine and Covenants 45 needs a bit of a an inspired update and rephrasing. Like American Protestants during Joseph Smith’s time, it is preoccupied with the battle for who has the correct or true religious beliefs, and assumes that this is at the core of what it means to be righteous and acceptable to God. Today, most of us can recognize that people of all faiths and belief systems are loved and accepted by God, and that what really matters in terms of righteousness is what values and principles we choose to live by, and whether our hearts are hard or soft toward others.

Questions for considerationHow can we do better at church at not touting a sense of moral superiority over people of other belief systems?How can we loosen our grasp on a desire for certainty and being “right” or vindicated in our beliefs in ways that can strengthen our faith and spirituality? How can we cultivate more empathy for people from different cultural and religious backgrounds than us?What might be some things we can do to become less numb to the suffering of those who live with much less privilege than ourselves, or who live in dangerous and uncomfortable situations?Wickedness is Not About Religious Beliefs, Divine Justice is not About Vindication

Real wickedness does not have much to do with what we cognitively assent to about God or the afterlife, but instead how we behave and what we desire. As the Book of Mormon teaches, wickedness is a matter of greedy, selfish, and violent behaviors that exploit others and grind on the face of the poor and helpless (2 Ne. 26:20). The book often warns us about being lifted up in pride because of our religious beliefs, identities and statuses! Are peoples’ hearts set upon their own gain, pleasures, pride, rightness, or material wealth at the cost of others? These are the people whose actions on earth need to be set right by the savior. 

As Adam Miller suggests in his framework in Original Grace, divine justice is giving people what they need in order to stop harming others out of love. When Jesus will execute justice in our world, as he will during his coming, it will be to help people become righteous and be healed, and to stop harming others, not to vindicate himself, make them suffer for punishments’ sake, or to prove he’s right. Maybe envisioning a vindictive, violent, judgmental Jesus at the Second Coming isn’t actually serving us spiritual, or in harmony with His actual nature. Divine justice is works in harmony rather than opposition to love, mercy and grace. God is fully good, fully kind, fully loving and understanding. They don’t make exceptions, play favorites, or let in certain vices to make us feel better about ourselves or to enjoy seeing God punish others. Seeking to attain vindication and satisfaction through revenge is actually Satan’s promise and logic, and it leads to the endless cycles of scapegoating and violence that Jesus seeks to disrupt, not create!

Questions for considerationWhat are ways that our nations and communities are caught up in wickedness that affect our lives, and that we’d like to see change?How might Adam Miller’s definition of divine justice challenge, enrich, or enlarge our perspectives of the gospel and God’s work?Is Jesus’s coming more of a joyful or a difficult event to think about or imagine for you?What do you want Jesus’s justice to look like when he comes again? How do you long for the world to change?

The feature image for this post is a detail showing Jesus Christ in The Last Judgment by Michelangelo (from Wikimedia, public domain).

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Flesh and Blood and Water: Emblems in The Tower

Hours after arriving in London, I gathered with family and others by a side gate at the Tower of London. The site was empty of tourists as evening approached.

At 6:30, the guard opened the gate, and placed chapel passes on the wrists of the 20 of us waiting to enter.

We walked through the empty grounds as the setting sun reflected on the stone buildings. This was the golden hour. We entered the ancient fortress in the center courtyard and ascended the steps to the oldest room near the top of the oldest building of the Tower complex. We passed through the large armory, and a chamber where several clergy greeted us. Then they ushered us into the Old Chapel Royal, built a thousand years ago in the center of the high-walled Norman castle.

There were a few rows of small wooden pews. The stone walls rose in several levels of stone arches which surrounded the small nave. The only adornment was the altar, covered in fine white linen, on which were several large altar crosses and vessels for communion.

We stood as three clergy entered, led by the Bishop of London, the Right Honorable Dame Sarah Mullally. She wore a deep red robe. She stepped to the altar and draped a loose white robe over her shoulders. The other two clergy wore white robes.

One of the priests welcomed us, inviting us to follow the printed program, which would guide us in knowing when and how to respond, or join in singing. He said all were welcome to partake of the emblems of communion. He expressed appreciation for all of us coming to this Maundy Thursday service during this Holy Week, especially those of us visiting from far away Utah. He is friends with my sister, who has brought students and groups to services here for decades. I felt assured that all are invited to partake of the emblems. None are denied.

The small choir stood at the back of the chapel. Their voices were pure and piercing as they sang the Introit, Panis Angelicus to begin the service. The beautiful sound seemed to rise up behind us, then descend down upon us.

As they sang, Bishop Mullally sat in a chair in front of the altar, facing us. Before the first prayer, she removed the symbols of her office and station from her head and shoulders. She led the service in her simple robes of deep red and white.

I listened to the reading of the Lord’s Prayer, and thought of the countless people who, over the centuries, had come here to this chapel, to lead, or listen to services, sometimes out of duty, sometimes reluctantly, or desperately, or arrogantly. How many had come as I did that night – pleading and hungry for something that brought hope for grace, love and mercy in a world where harsh power, fear, violence, and threat of imprisonment was growing. This chapel had existed for a millennium. Just half the time since the extraordinary event in Gethsemane, when Christ revealed At-One-Ment. The experience of love so deep and complete, He became each of us, feeling what we feel, existing as we each exist, knowing us, aware of us with no barriers, no fear, so completely, with no expectation of reward or compensation. This is where His love led Him, to be one with us. All of us. Me.

My fear of what is happening in the world gripped me. Then, I listened again for what is there when I am present to it.

“I am with you. No matter where your journey leads. I am with you.”

Again, it breaks my heart…open. Overwhelmed, I had to remind myself to breathe.

I listened to the priest read the Summary of the Law.

“Our Lord Jesus Christ said: Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord, and thou shalt love the Lord the God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. This is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

I read the response. . .

Lord, have mercy upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

The choir sang Kyrie Eleison. Lord have mercy.

The service included a moving sermon from the Bishop. Then she placed a chair facing the altar, and set towels and a bowl of water on the floor in front of it. My sister, Jane was one of three women chosen to participate in this part of the service. She removed her shoes, and stepped forward to sit in the chair. The Bishop knelt before her, gently lifting first one, then the other foot into the bowl, washing her feet with water, tenderly tracing a cross where Christ’s wounds would have been, cradling her feet in a towel to wipe away the drops. Then she invited Jane to rise, and return to us.

During this ceremony, I looked at my sister, leaning forward in the chair, and the Bishop, in deep red and flowing white, kneeling and bending over the bowl of water, washing feet that might be tired and hurting. I closed my eyes and thought of the images I had recently seen of hundreds of men, stripped, heads shaven, sitting in rows on the cold stone floor of a prison in El Salvador, packed together so tightly it was hard to distinguish one from another. They leaned on each other, some so worn their heads fell to the side, unable to stay upright. I could not tell if the marks on them were bruises, or tattoos, or wounds, or blood. I opened my eyes and, for a moment, thought one of these men was sitting in the chair before the altar, leaning over the bowl as his tired, wounded feet were washed by gentle hands. The hands washing his feet were also wounded, pierced through the palm and wrist.

I pray for understanding.

Is this what You meant when You said, “I have graven you upon the palms of my hands.” And “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these…ye have done it unto me.”

Is everything I do vicarious? Everything I do impacts, in some way, everything and everyone.
Lord, have mercy on me a sinner.
When have I turned away from those who are suffering?
When have I added to someone’s wounds, or inflicted more?
Would I step in to shield someone, or to lift them and release them from prison?
What if I think I am helping, but it only makes it worse? How can I know?
The priest continued with reading to prepare for communion.

“Hear what comfortable words our Savior Christ saith unto all that truly turn to him.

Come unto me all that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you.”

All were invited to the altar to kneel, one by one. We could extend our hands to receive the emblems of the body and blood of Christ. Or, if we preferred, we could hold our hands over our heart when kneeling, signaling a desire to receive a blessing from the Bishop. All individual needs were welcomed and fulfilled.

This service commemorated the institution begun at the Last Supper, as Christ offered physical nourishment to symbolize the transformative nourishment of his word to our very being. And as Christ showed us the Way, by kneeling and washing feet, and serving with great love.

“Almighty and everliving God, we most heartily thank thee, for that thou dost vouchsafe to feed us, who have duly received these holy mysteries, with the spiritual food of the most precious Body and Blood of thy Son our Savior Jesus Christ…that we are very members incorporate of the mystical body of thy Son.

The Peace of God, which passeth all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God.”

Receive these mysteries.
Members of the mystical body.
Peace which passeth all understanding.
I struggle with what I cannot explain. I want to know how it is done.
God invites me to experience that which is beyond language.
The final part of the service occurs after the last song, after the final prayer, after everything is spoken.
The clergy carefully strip the altar. All items, all linens are removed and put away.
The altar is bare.
We sit in silence for a moment. Then we gradually make our way out.
What is there on the empty altar for me?
What can I lay on the altar?
What do I grasp that keeps me from experiencing God?
What greater sin is there than my barriers to God’s love? To loving others? To hesitate because I need to know the right way to do this? How can I practice mercy when I can’t begin to describe how Your mercy overwhelms me?

Guest Post: Treating My Garment Dysmorphia

by Mags Edvalson

I’m fat. Let’s just get it out of the way, because it’s a fact of life I have to accept every day. I just am. I always have been, and I probably always will be. My whole family is fat, or extraordinarily tall or extraordinarily tall and fat. That includes all my four dozen cousins. We are great Scandinavian giants whose ancestors may as well have been the inspiration behind the Jötnar in Norse mythology. I am, at 5’9” and between 250 and 300 lbs, the small one in my family. My brothers are both close to 6’7” and well over 300 lbs. Fatness, you could say, is my jam.

Of course I hate it. As a teenager I took it on as my solemn responsibility to cover up my body to keep it from offending others. This only ever seemed to accentuate the issue when it came to things like combined youth activities at a pool or large body of water where I grew up in California. Of course all the girls were expected to wear modest bathing suits, but I was the only one who wore an oversized T-shirt and my brother’s extra long swim trunks. I didn’t need to do that, but it seemed that whether I did or not, I still caught glimpses of the boys glancing over and giggling at me. The other girls ignored me. One of my Young Women’s presidents suggested I would be so pretty if I just lost some weight.

I thought garments would be the great equalizer. I remember trying to justify my extra effort to be modest as simply being better prepared to wear them. I wore long skirts to cover my unsightly calves. I camouflaged my “Relief Society arms” with long sleeves year round, even in triple digit temperatures. How bad could garments possibly be after years of enduring extra layers because I believed my very being was offensive?

I was endowed three months before my mission to Louisiana. At my mother’s advice, I bought tops and bottoms in several fabrics and styles to decide which ones I liked best, but it was useless. I hated them all. I took extra long showers in those months leading up to my first day in the MTC. Being alone and nude was the only time I felt comfortable and okay. Upon leaving the shower, I’d stand wrapped in my towel staring at my neatly folded top and bottom and sob quietly at the prospect of putting them on again.

Garments, as it turns out, are just as awful as most any other type of clothing when you’re fat. No matter how long I’d get the bottoms, they would always ride up my leg. You could always tell where they hit my thigh under my jeans, leaving a dent that only hinted at the itchy red line they left behind. The tops were never so bad for me, but I can imagine they’d be awful for other body types. The tops with cups are an absolute must have for me, but the poor design of the hem on the tops lends them to rolling up and over bigger guts. It’s near impossible to keep anything tucked in.

Historically, plus-sized clothing has been designed by and for straight-sized people who figure that simply adding a few inches in either direction at the waist will be enough to fit. Lane Bryant has been the brand associated with bigger women for over a century, and even then it only started out as a maternity line on the assumption that extra weight on women is only ever temporary. I remember being twelve years old and having to “graduate” to Lane Bryant, whose clothing always trended towards mature and business casual. My mom was upset that she had to pay extra money for jeans that would only tear at the knees in six months. I was mortified because I was dressing like my grandmother.

It’s only been within the last decade or so that plus-sized women could find trendy clothing made for them by other plus-sized women. As a young adult I was confined to Lane Bryant and Torrid, and it’s only been since 2022 when Old Navy expanded their jean selection to include sizes that fit my body that I’ve been able to buy jeans from a straight-sized store. Online shops like Bloomchic have finally made fashions I like accessible to me, and shopping is no longer a chore. Garments, on the other hand, are still made by one company and designs are signed off on by straight-sized old men who are all mostly married to straight-sized women and have probably never considered what wearing clothes as a fat woman is like.

I served a mission at a time when options for my body were still limited to a few stores. I put in an extra effort to make sure my skirts were at least mid calf or longer, and my sleeves were at least a quarter length. The church had just started to encourage sister missionaries to wear more fashionable clothing by relaxing the dress code. It was said that this was done to attract more investigators after polls had shown that the dress code was a turn off. No matter, I was going to follow those old rules because modesty had become a coping mechanism.

Despite this, I became a target for ridicule by one of the senior sister missionaries in my MTC zone. Sunday lunches made the cafeteria particularly crowded as zones were joined by their branch presidencies and wives. We had to squeeze in at our table to make room, and I was joined by one of the councilor’s wives to my left. She was a rail thin woman with that stereotypical sternness that one associates with school marms in old movies. As I held my elbows close to my body, I struggled to maneuver my utensils from plate to mouth.

Suddenly, I felt her lean in and heard her whisper, “You really ought to be careful about your modesty, Sister Olsen, or the elders might start thinking impure thoughts.”  I almost dropped my fork. I looked down at my blouse, which was a button-up with a tank top underneath. Only the top button was undone, and yet with how tightly packed we were at the table, my cleavage was reaching my clavicle. I didn’t feel so much embarrassed as I felt furious. I glared back at the woman, but I was speechless. I looked around at the other sisters. They all had blouses with lower necklines, but no visible cleavage because they were all A or B cupped, including the sister who chastised me.

After so many years of trying to hide my body and go above and beyond in my modesty to make up for being fat, that was the first moment that I realized that there is no room in the church for fat people. Garments emphasize this fact by their poor fit on diverse bodies, as well as the false sense of security that modesty provides. They were designed to remind us of our covenants to remain chaste, and yet at one slip of the cleavage, my internalized devotion was questionable. Though I was accustomed to feeling unwanted, I hadn’t realized until then that part of that status included the assumption that my body was undesirable because it was too sexual. It was a devastating and very confusing moment, and I hated myself as much as I hated that senior sister. Being fat is not ideal, but hating yourself for something you can’t necessarily change let alone quickly is far worse.

So many opinions have been shared about the new garment changes. I am happy that there are women celebrating. I love the criticisms being voiced about the lack of consideration for vaginal health. Most of all I feel deeply betrayed along with those who feel that this change does not address the culture of shame that the church has facilitated against women’s bodies. Particularly, I want to point out how much this change in the garment top exacerbates the layers of shame that fat women have for not only being female, but also embodying the paradox of undesirability and hypersexualization. As straight-sized women revel in showing off their now temple worthy shoulders, many fat women will still hesitate. Dare they own their arms and risk offending the brethren with some extra skin and jiggle? Or do they persist in wearing longer sleeves and face the ridicule anyway? Nobody, no matter their size, should have to think twice about their own comfort.

Finally, I have a confession to make. I don’t wear garments anymore. That’s actually not the confession. It’s just a fact that I don’t feel shame for. If my story of crying in the bathroom at having to put garments on was any indication, I definitely hated wearing garments. The confession is that I wore garments for years after leaving the church. I endured several extra years of yeast infections, itchy red welts on my thighs, uncomfortable bunching, and worst of all shame of my body, because I could not bear the idea that I could be fat and beautiful. While women who leave the church often share pictures of their “porn shoulders” with pride, I could not allow my gross body to be seen.

It wasn’t until I partnered up with my now spouse that I stopped wearing them. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed to have to explain my weird underwear to my partner. He was a non-member raised by former members with plenty of active family. We’d been friends in college and he’d written to me on my mission. If anything, he would be the most understanding of my journey. I stopped wearing garments for myself because I realized that for all that pressure I placed on myself for protecting other people, I was depriving myself of my own love. If this other person that I adored could love my fat body, then why couldn’t I?

It was still several years before I threw my garments out. It was moving day, and we were down to the wire to get the house locked up and the last of the odds and ends out. The old trash bag of garments was one of the last things to go. In my exhaustion and frustration at the day, I stared down that bag and felt the weight of all those bathroom moments over again. This time I did not cry. Instead, I picked up the bag, carried it to the dumpster, and with a scream of rage and release, I slammed the bag down inside and dropped the lid.

I’m fat. I hate it, but I won’t be ashamed of it anymore.

From the time Mags Edvalson learned to read, they’ve had an obsession with church history and the paranormal. This fixation is what drives them as a folklorist and a church historian for the Community of Christ, which has been their church home since 2017. Mags lives in picturesque S ilverton, Oregon with their spouse and an menagerie of furry children.

Sacred Music Sunday: Cast Thy Burden upon the Lord

I was thinking about the right hymn for this month, and I was struggling to come up with something that fits the times. The world is in chaos. My personal life is in its own unrelated chaos. I’m working two jobs while barely making ends meet. When I do have a free moment, all I want to do is take a nap. When it comes right down to it, I’m tired. Not just the “I stayed up too late last night” or even the “I could use a vacation” kind of tired – the bone-deep weariness where just getting through the day is like running a marathon while wearing a suit made of weights.

Sacred Heart of Jesus statue, Mission Santa Clara de Asis – Photo Credit Santa Clara University

When I was in college and law school, one of my favorite places to go was behind the chapel. Mission Santa Clara sat as the focal point of campus, and right behind, in a garden, was a statue of Jesus. On either side, in Latin, the words “Come to me” and “Learn of me” were inscribed, from Matthew 11:28-29. Whenever I was having a rough day, I would just go and sit there by the statue.

It’s been over two decades since undergrad, and nearly 15 years since law school, and I’m 700 miles away now. Instead of a lush garden, I’m in the barren desert – both literally and figuratively. Even so, Jesus still stands beckoning us to come to Him and drop our burdens.

A related scripture is Psalm 55:22, and one of the most famous settings of this verse is by Felix Mendelsshon in his oratorio Elijah. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee.”

I’m not sure where the line is between casting my burden upon the Lord and just abdicating responsibility for the world altogether, but I wouldn’t mind being sustained for a while so I can rest.

Do I want to find community at church?

Moroni 6:5 And the church did meet together oft, to fast and to pray, and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.

I love the idea of this scripture. I love the idea of a community that comes together and talks about the welfare of their souls together. I imagine people chatting about their challenges and successes big and small that contribute to how they are doing in their hearts. I imagine honesty. I imagine openness. I imagine tears of sorrow and joy. I imagine mourning with those who mourn. I imagine celebrating with those who are celebrating. I imagine being one in purpose. Mostly, I imagine loving friendship.

When I was younger, my church community was my main community. It was where I felt the most love. It was where I felt friendship. Indeed, some of my very best friends are from the church.

But then things started to change. A primary parent made an anonymous complaint about a class I taught to the 11 year olds where we talked about bullying and racism and how to be more loving and accepting. Then a few months later, an old man chewed me out for being too critical because I brought up the Gospel Essay on race when I was teaching Gospel Doctrine. I started wondering if maybe this church building and the people inside it weren’t really who I wanted as my community. Maybe they weren’t the people that shared my values. Maybe they weren’t the people that I wanted to spend time with. Perhaps these people really weren’t my community. I started to step back from the social aspects of church.

There are doctrines of the gospel that I find beautiful, so I stayed in the church. But I intentionally started making my community – the people that I discuss the welfare of my soul with – people outside of the church building. 

COVID then hit and I no longer had any reason to socialize with my ward. Truthfully, it was a welcomed reprieve to focus my worship on the Savior and not the institutional racism. 

After COVID, going back to church was hard for me (I resonate with the experience described here), but I went back because of the doctrines I love (not the community there).

Due to work related moves, we ended up in a few different wards over the coming years. I found each of these wards to be a place to make some friends, but I purposely felt myself pulling back socially. I worried about getting too close only to feel heartbreak if I realized we didn’t share values. I didn’t want to assume that each new ward was a place where I would feel safe to discuss the welfare of my soul. I didn’t want to assume that each new ward was a place where I would feel safe to discuss the things in my heart. I didn’t want to assume that each new ward was a place where I would find loving friendship. 

Last summer we made our final move to a new ward, knowing that we’d be in this house for (hopefully) the next few decades. After several years of pulling back a bit from social aspects of church, I decided I was ready to try again. I wanted to try to make this new ward my community. I figured I’ll be with these people for decades to come. I would like to be able to go to church and worship with people that I feel care about the welfare of my soul and that I care about theirs. I wanted to feel this beautiful community.

My first Sunday at church I fasted and prayed that I would find community within the ward. Within a few weeks I was called to the Relief Society Presidency and getting to know everyone there. We regularly had families over for dinner or dessert and I was starting to feel at home at church. I actually enjoyed walking into the building and seeing the friends I was making. A feeling I hadn’t felt in several years. 

Then one Sunday we invited a couple families over for dessert. That night everything changed.

One of the teenagers who was over sexually assaulted my daughter who was just shy of 4-years old at the time. 

We didn’t know it happened till days later when the teenager admitted to doing it. The good news is my daughter seems absolutely fine. It’s been over 2 months since it happened. Two awful months full of lots of tears, loss of trust, worries about the future, and lots of meetings. Meetings with the Department of Human Services. Meetings with healthcare professionals. Meetings with mental health care professionals. Meetings with law enforcement. Though it’s been an awful two months for me, I’m relieved to say that my daughter has seemed fine the whole time. 

Given the situation, we switched wards yet again. We didn’t want to be around the teenager, but we wanted him to heal and get the professional and social help he needs to never do this again. We figured keeping consistency for him in that community might be helpful. When our stake president submitted the request to switch our church records to the office that approves this sort of thing in Salt Lake City, it was approved immediately. I don’t think anyone expected us to want to stay in the ward where we live geographically given the situation. It seemed like an easy change. 

Except it wasn’t that easy.

It dropped us in yet another ward. 

Another moment to try to establish community. Another moment to potentially set myself up for heartbreak.

But what if I can’t? 

What if I don’t want to? 

What if I’m too tired to try? 

What if the experience of establishing community in my last ward broke me harder than I ever could have imagined? 

Maybe it’s time to admit that I will never feel the sense of community at church that sounds so wonderful when Moroni describes it.

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash