Exponent II's Blog, page 19

Grandma and My Last Temple Adventure

“There is nowhere you could go that I won’t be with you.”

(Gramma Tala, in the movie Moana)

Dust clung to the cracks in my red leather temple bag as I shimmied into the moth-smelling temple dress that tugged at my body in all the wrong ways. 

“Check and make sure you have everything in your envelope,” Grandma whispered over the dressing room door as I tried, again, to wipe the dust off my temple bag with a limp stocking before stretching it onto my foot. 

There was only one white sock in my bag. I debated keeping this wardrobe loss a secret; I could have rebelliously and obliviously hidden my one bare ankle under the floor-length temple dress. But after obediently checking my fabric envelope, I realized that I also did not have the pleated sheer robe—that was at home in the dress-up bin. My girls had been using it as their Rapunzel hair. 

I never thought I’d need it again, but here I was, returning to the temple because I love my grandma, and my grandma loves the temple.

After begging for free rentals, I sat, squished in a silent chapel pew, my shoulders pressed between Grandpa and Grandma, with thirty minutes until the endowment session would begin. The small organ gently played the hymns of a conveyor belt my body seemed to remember. We all sat there, waiting to be mindlessly shuffled into hallways by others dressed in white. I was the youngest person in the room by at least twenty years. 

Grandma, maybe noticing my dull panic, pulled me out of the pew and whispered that she wanted to explore the bride’s room with me. After convincing grandpa and then the temple worker guard at the door to release us from the chapel, we felt a little wild and free. 

We oohed and ahhed at the golden details, the glittering crystals, the round couches, and the bold colors in the hallways. Temple workers kept stopping us, asking us where we were supposed to be. But my white-haired, stubborn grandmother just smiled, nodded, and ignored them, fueling our sneaking about. 

The bride’s room slightly underwhelmed us, and Grandma, a lifelong weekly temple attender and former temple worker who welcomed everyone in, “even if they wore ripped jeans,” really wanted to see the sealing rooms of this new temple, so we snuck to the elevators as we marveled at the architecture and the theme of cherry blossom buds and branches that wrapped around us. 

When we entered the sealing hallway, my grandmother gasped and squeezed my hand. The stained glass windows on the top floor blossomed into delicate blush-colored blooms. The dark wood chairs were carved with blossoms. The doorknobs, baseboards, carpets, and ceilings were covered in garden details. Winter sunlight poured in through the massive windows, lighting the dark wood and pink blossoms as if we were in an orchard.

We explored every off-limits corner we could find. In one of the waiting rooms, my grandma stopped in front of a painting depicting a Black woman with cornrows. We stood there for a long time, holding hands. My grandma began to weep. So did I. And I wondered if Grandma knew I was only there for her. And then I wondered if we were both weeping because this was the only painting in the entire temple depicting a woman.

Grandma touched everything. She opened every door and ran her fingers along the walls. Her eyes glittered like the chandeliers. We seemed to be the only people around and we took our time exploring the sealing rooms, touching the altars, waving at thousands of ourselves in the infinity mirrors, and testing the cushioned chairs.

When we opened the last door, a sealing was in session, and all heads turned toward us. Panicked, we pulled the door closed and made a hobbling exit to the elevator. Grandma yell whispered, “Hurry! Before they see us!” It all felt very rebellious. But I knew it wasn’t. The true rebellion was in the lies I told to get there.

There was so much beauty in the temple that day, mostly my grandma, but also the artistry and the details. It brought my grandmother so much joy to see this temple crafted and created with her tithing money. She participated in this project, she belonged to it in a way that I feel honored to have witnessed. She felt close to her dead sisters and to me, and it brought her wonder and awe and energy. The extravagant and exclusive palace allowed her in, and she felt completely comfortable breaking the rules because this was her temple. Built with her love and commitment.

But that art and craftsmanship did not translate into the endowment session. It was like a tax document compared to poetry. 

As I sat next to my grandma, back on the conveyor belt in a dark room, dressed in my rental robe, and watching a rudimentary movie, mechanical, lacking completely in the beauty and craft we’d just explored earlier, I wished we were watching Moana together instead. 

I wanted to watch the way Moana’s grandmother breaks the rules of the village, guides Moana to the stories of the past, and finds Moana alone and betrayed on a raft in the middle of the ocean, far from the traditions and home of their family. I wanted to watch Gramma Tala sing to Moana about the quiet voice still inside her. I wanted to watch Moana learn how to listen from Gramma Tala, again and again, until Moana listens her way to a black, lava scarred monster who transforms into a healing, moss-covered goddess.

I wanted to watch Moana because it would have mirrored the beauty and love I found in the hallways and corners of the temple, all the places I wasn’t supposed to be. I found the divine that day in the hands of my grandmother, tugging me toward light and beauty, inviting me to question, to notice, to ignore the voices that tell me where I should be—and listen to the voice still inside me, that voice calling me away from my home.

(Photo by TOMOKO UJI on Unsplash)

The Second Arrow

One of the most common issues I treat as a therapist is Anxiety. My clients feel anxious about careers, family dynamics, religion, sexuality, politics, life. And I’ve learned over time that anxiety is a tricky thing to treat because the more you try to change it or replace it with something healthier, the more likely it is to get more intense or get redirected into a different, difficult issue. 

So instead of fighting against the anxiety or trying to change it, one of the things I’ve found most effective is to teach my clients to accept it, even lean into it, and get curious about what it’s holding. But I always make sure to explain that “accepting it” doesn’t mean that you believe your fears are actually true or that the thing you are anxious about is *actually* going to happen. Instead, you are accepting and acknowledging that you’re feeling anxious about this thing, like you would acknowledge or accept that you’re wearing a blue shirt today. It’s just something that exists, and there doesn’t need to be any additional judgment, criticism, energy, or reaction towards it. 

This is much easier said than done. But over time, as clients practice approaching anxiety with a curious “Huh, that made you anxious, didn’t it? Thanks for letting me know, body of mine.” framework, the more likely it is that their anxious mind and body will feel seen and thereby more likely to disappate rather than getting louder. 

There is a Buddhist concept that illustrates this idea of acceptance well. It’s called The Second Arrow. The Buddha explained a parable of pain vs suffering using these two arrows. The first arrow is the initial pain of human experience. This is unavoidable. This is getting sick, having your heart broken, stubbing your toe. It’s the anxiety that comes in the middle of the night when you’d much rather be sleeping. All of these initial pain points are a core part of human experience, shared by anyone who is navigating this thing called life. We have no control over this pain. 

The second arrow is how we often react to these events in our lives and the way our minds create additional meaning that makes us suffer beyond the initial pain. This would look like stubbing your toe, then piling on a barrage of self-criticism about “why am I so stupid and clumsy? I’m always walking into walls like that. Other people don’t do this, they are more graceful. People probably think I’m ridiculous.” and on and on. According to the Buddha, this type of suffering is more avoidable and unnecessary. It’s the suffering we pile on after the pain and it’s something we have more of a choice in. How do we want to approach our stubbed toe? Is there a way we can redirect or approach that situation differently so we aren’t experiencing additional suffering on top of the unavoidable pain? 

I often think about how my upbringing in the church made it especially difficult to let go of the second arrow or come to that place of acceptance vs fighting against my experience. Growing up, I internalized messaging from the church about “doubting your doubts” or “thinking Celestial” (except mine was more in the era of “hum your favorite hymn” or “if you chance to meet a frown.”) We were taught, not just indirectly, but overtly to challenge, redirect, and corral our thoughts and feelings into very specific places. 

“You’re sad? No, you’re not! Smile instead! God is a god of happiness, don’t let Satan bring you down.”

“You’re feeling sexual feelings? No, you aren’t! Hum that hymn, and Godly thoughts will take all of those sexual feelings away.” 

“Something in church history, doctrine, or culture made you upset? Challenge that. Mental gymnastics your way back to pure belief and conformity.” 

The church taught me to live in the second arrow of experience. And beyond that, the church taught me exactly what the second arrow was “supposed” to look like and why.

The problem? I couldn’t always get there. 

In fact, if I’m honest with myself, I almost never got where I felt the church wanted me to be. Instead, it would look something like:

“I’m sad. But I’m not supposed to be sad. God is a god of happiness. This must be from Satan. I guess I’ll read my scriptures. I think that felt better. I’m not really feeling sad, right? Like, I can probably just push that away. Yeah, Ok. Sadness gone. If anyone asks, I was never sad in the first place. Phew.” 

It was a constant push and pull between my first arrow, real, lived experiences, and the second arrow of suffering the church required of me.

And it always felt like my fault.

It was my fault that I still had that little bit of sadness leftover deep inside. I must not have hummed the right hymn or prayed hard enough. There must be something wrong with me. (Which then continued the second arrow and on, and on, and on)

But what would it have been like, what could it be like now, if instead of fighting against my true, lived experiences, I accepted them? What if I learned about them and leaned into them instead of pushing them away? What if a God I believed in didn’t need to place so much additional meaning and energy on fighting against my “natural man” ways of experiencing?

What if I could just be?

I have found that giving myself the permission to experience the first arrow while stepping out of the suffering messaging from the second arrow has been one of the most powerful, transformative concepts of my life, and that of many of my clients. 

To allow my sadness, anger, hurt, doubt, grief, all of it to exist. To just let it be exactly what it is, without fighting against it or changing it to be what I think it’s “supposed” to be, has helped me understand myself and find inner peace far better than any church-messaging second-arrow response I had in the past. 

It’s not perfect. I still get caught up in anxiety loops, “shoulds,” self-criticism, etc, on a daily basis.

But now that I can see it for what it is, now that I know that it’s not necessary and that I have choices, I try as often as possible to choose curiosity. I choose self-compassion and leaning in. I choose to get to know the parts of me that are hurting rather than adding additional suffering by ostracising or criticising those parts of me. 

Hopefully, someday, the church will trust its members with their first arrows more and stop feeling the need to perpetuate harmful messages filled with negative meaning and expectations of how people “should” feel or experience life.

Hopefully, the church will lean into teaching its members correct principles or values, and let them govern themselves based on true, unfiltered access to their first arrow. 

From what I have experienced, this will go much further in helping members healthily live the good values of the Gospel with authenticity and faith.

Guest Post: Letter to President Nelson

Guest Post by Jami Newton

President Nelson,

I wrote you back in June 2021, after your April 2021 conference talk, “Faith in Him Will Move Mountains,” destroyed me. I explained in my last letter how your talk caused me great pain. I had never written a prophet before, but your message hurt me so much that I finally said, “Enough.”

Throughout my life, I’ve been taught that prophets can’t lie, cause harm, or say anything that will lead me astray. I was taught that when a prophet speaks, it is like scripture: “And this is the ensample unto them, that they shall speak as they are moved upon by the Holy Ghost. And whatsoever they shall speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost shall be scripture, shall be the will of the Lord, shall be the mind of the Lord, shall be the word of the Lord, shall be the voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation.” (D&C 68:3–4)

I’ve also been taught that when a prophet speaks, it’s as if God Himself is speaking directly to me—and I must listen and obey. The prophet was presented as our earthly link to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Supposedly, we are blessed to have a living prophet through whom God communicates.

I was taught that whatever the prophet says is from God: “What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.” (D&C 1:38)

I have also been taught through the scriptures that “Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.” (Amos 3:7) The Church teaches that a prophet teaches truth and interprets the word of God.

And the biggest and most damaging and deeply indoctrinated teaching of them all is that a prophet will never lead us astray. As stated in D&C and reinforced for generations, President Wilford Woodruff said: “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray.” This message has been repeated again and again, often with the added threat that if a prophet were to lie or mislead, God would remove him from the earth.

For example, Harold B. Lee taught: “You don’t need to worry about the President of the Church ever leading people astray, because the Lord would remove him out of his place before He would ever allow that to happen.” (The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 1996)

And Virginia U. Jensen once said: “The Lord has given some marvelous guarantees without any disclaimers. And this is one of them: He will choose the prophet, and He will never let that man lead us astray.”

Even Brigham Young assured members that they could have complete confidence in the prophets when he stated: “The Lord Almighty leads this Church, and he will never suffer you to be led astray if you are found doing your duty. … If [your leaders] should try to do so, the Lord would quickly sweep them from the earth.” (Journal of Discourses, 9:289)

And most recently, Elder Ronald A. Rasband in October 2021 said: “We are distinguished as a Church to be led by prophets, seers, and revelators called of God for this time. I promise that as you listen and follow their counsel, you will never be led astray. Never!”

Never be led astray! That’s a big promise.

Because of these teachings, I was indoctrinated to believe that prophets and apostles always spoke the truth, could not lie, were infallible, could not cause any harm, were always right, always spoke for God, and everything that came out of their mouths was true. It’s heartbreaking that God had to come behind the Church and these teachings to correct what was, in fact, being led astray—something that was promised would never happen.

These doctrines have caused my family and me great harm. They are unhealthy, untrue, and psychologically damaging. After being diagnosed with spiritual trauma and scrupulosity, I am now in my third year of spiritual trauma processing and recovery therapy.

I now know that you and other prophets and apostles—past and present—are just human beings. You can and do make mistakes. You lie. You say untruthful things, harmful things, hurtful things, and manipulative things. You do not always speak for God. You are not always kind. You are not always good leaders. And yes—you can and do abuse power.

I wish these truths were taught in the Church. Acknowledging your humanity wouldn’t diminish your importance—it would enhance it, by making your leadership more grounded in love and humility, rather than the authoritarian way that dominates our church teachings. The authoritarian teachings the church uses regarding prophets and apostles are very destructive and abusive. They stifle the spiritual growth, development, and agency of the individual members. Because the members have been indoctrinated to outsource their spiritual authority to an external figure, rather than learning to trust their own internal spirit and in development of their own personal connection with God.

This is not Christ’s plan. It aligns more closely with Satan’s—removing a person’s agency, eliminating personal choice, demanding obedience over connection, and pressuring them to conform rather than letting them choose for themselves what they believe in and what strengthens them spiritually.

President J. Reuben Clark Jr. once counseled: “You will never make a mistake by following the instructions and the counsel of him who stands at the head as God’s mouthpiece on earth.”

These authoritarian teachings about prophets and apostles are a big mistake. President Woodruff’s teaching that prophets will never lead you astray, is also a big mistake. These teachings have caused immense pain and internal suffering—not just for me and my family, but for many others as well.

While some now claim that the Church teaches prophets are fallible, that message is barely taught—and only in recent years. I’ve heard it maybe a handful of times in my 45 years in the Church. When a message is presented 99% of the time in one direction, people internalize it. That’s how indoctrination works.

There’s a quote I love: “The Catholics teach that the pope is infallible—and nobody believes it. Latter-day Saints teach that the prophet is fallible—and nobody believes it.”

My latest struggle has come from Elder Holland’s message, “The Garment of the Holy Priesthood” (September 2024): “Please don’t misunderstand. As you reach out for divine guidance, the Spirit will not inspire you to do less than follow the instruction received in the temple and the prophetic counsel shared by the First Presidency.”

So, is he teaching that we believe in personal revelation—or in personal conformity to the leaders?

These are exactly the types of messages that lead people astray. These are the kinds of messages that cause real and lasting harm. People spend years in therapy recovering from the shame, fear, and internal conflict these teachings create. They can not hear or feel the spirit speaking to them when the messages from the church are so much louder and contradict what they are feeling from the spirit.

Also, in October 2021, you said: “Take your questions to the Lord and to other faithful sources. Study with the desire to believe rather than with the hope that you can find a flaw in the fabric of a prophet’s life or a discrepancy in the scriptures. Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with … doubters.”

I hate how, as Church leaders, you think you have the right to dictate what our spiritual journey should look like. When I read about Jesus Christ and his life, I see someone who welcomed questions more than He gave answers. I see someone who embraces seekers, not silences them. Doubt, questions, curiosity, and honest struggles are essential to spiritual growth. That’s how revelation works.

When you discourage questioning, whether you realize it or not, you are following Satan’s plan more than Christ’s—you are stripping away a members free agency, you are removing their ability to think and choose for themselves, you’re telling them not to trust their own spirit, not to listen and use their own discernment, and not to trust in our Heavenly Parents process of communicating directly to their children. Many of you should already know that using manipulation tactics like fear, shame, guilt, and spiritual gaslighting destroys a member’s free agency. Because now they are making choices based off of that manipulation tactic instead of making decisions from a place of love, peace, and truth.

I’m thankful that my Heavenly Parents have come behind the Church to correct the terrible, untruthful, hurtful, and abusive authoritarian teachings about prophetic authority. I only wish They had done it sooner—and not waited 43 years. I’ve had to painfully work through years of betrayal trauma because I sincerely believed everything I was taught. I know better now, but that doesn’t lessen the pain of the spiritual abuse I have endured.

People can handle painful truths far more than they can survive manipulative lies. Lies catch up to you—and those lies destroy people.

It has been empowering to take my control back for my own spirituality. I will never again outsource it to the leaders of our church. In a strange way, I should thank you—because your April 2021 talk was the moment when God clearly told me that what you were saying was, “Not true. And was not kind.” Can you imagine the pain, the turmoil, and the betrayal that was stirring in my heart and soul. It was devastating! It has been a long and difficult journey—but I made it. And I know my Heavenly Parents are proud of me. And I am proud of myself.

I finally understand my true worth, without the layers of manipulation, lies, fear, and control. I know my connection with my Heavenly Parents is eternal and will always be. I no longer believe the Church’s lie that I would lose that connection if I stopped “doing all the things.” Their love is unconditional. Their guidance is gentle and peaceful. And Their Spirit is stronger in my life than ever before. And I now know that it has nothing to do with all the rules, rituals, or perfect/exact obedience. In fact, I was being blinded by “doing all the things”, that is what destroyed my spiritual connection to Them and caused years of mental health struggles.

There is still so much pain and trauma to work through. But I know I can do it—because I feel Their love surrounding me. And love—not fear—is what heals, encourages, liberates, and transforms.

I’m writing this not because I expect a reply or even an apology—but because my story deserves to be heard. I will no longer stay silent about the harm done in the name of obedience. I speak up for myself, for my healing, and for the many others who are still trying to find their voice.

Thank you for listening,

Jami Newton

PS: I’m still a member but trying to do it with a new Lens of love, it is much harder than just following a script blindly, but also, way more rewarding.

Jamie is a life long Mormon & return Missionary. She has struggled with perfectionism and scrupulosity most of her life. She internalized so many harmful teachings from the church probably because she had no parent at home to tell her otherwise. Everything she learned, she learned from the church. She and her 3 brothers raised each other. She played college basketball and loves all things sports, and outdoors. She has 3 amazing kids, one of which was diagnosed with a rare incurable pain disease called AMPS/CRPS, after 3 major brain surgeries to remove a brain tumor when he was 5 years old. She been married to her best friend for over 20 years. She is thankful for him everyday.

Guest Post: Letter to President Nelsen

Guest Post by Jami Newton

President Nelson,

I wrote you back in June 2021, after your April 2021 conference talk, “Faith in Him Will Move Mountains,” destroyed me. I explained in my last letter how your talk caused me great pain. I had never written a prophet before, but your message hurt me so much that I finally said, “Enough.”

Throughout my life, I’ve been taught that prophets can’t lie, cause harm, or say anything that will lead me astray. I was taught that when a prophet speaks, it is like scripture: “And this is the ensample unto them, that they shall speak as they are moved upon by the Holy Ghost. And whatsoever they shall speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost shall be scripture, shall be the will of the Lord, shall be the mind of the Lord, shall be the word of the Lord, shall be the voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation.” (D&C 68:3–4)

I’ve also been taught that when a prophet speaks, it’s as if God Himself is speaking directly to me—and I must listen and obey. The prophet was presented as our earthly link to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Supposedly, we are blessed to have a living prophet through whom God communicates.

I was taught that whatever the prophet says is from God: “What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.” (D&C 1:38)

I have also been taught through the scriptures that “Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.” (Amos 3:7) The Church teaches that a prophet teaches truth and interprets the word of God.

And the biggest and most damaging and deeply indoctrinated teaching of them all is that a prophet will never lead us astray. As stated in D&C and reinforced for generations, President Wilford Woodruff said: “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray.” This message has been repeated again and again, often with the added threat that if a prophet were to lie or mislead, God would remove him from the earth.

For example, Harold B. Lee taught: “You don’t need to worry about the President of the Church ever leading people astray, because the Lord would remove him out of his place before He would ever allow that to happen.” (The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 1996)

And Virginia U. Jensen once said: “The Lord has given some marvelous guarantees without any disclaimers. And this is one of them: He will choose the prophet, and He will never let that man lead us astray.”

Even Brigham Young assured members that they could have complete confidence in the prophets when he stated: “The Lord Almighty leads this Church, and he will never suffer you to be led astray if you are found doing your duty. … If [your leaders] should try to do so, the Lord would quickly sweep them from the earth.” (Journal of Discourses, 9:289)

And most recently, Elder Ronald A. Rasband in October 2021 said: “We are distinguished as a Church to be led by prophets, seers, and revelators called of God for this time. I promise that as you listen and follow their counsel, you will never be led astray. Never!”

Never be led astray! That’s a big promise.

Because of these teachings, I was indoctrinated to believe that prophets and apostles always spoke the truth, could not lie, were infallible, could not cause any harm, were always right, always spoke for God, and everything that came out of their mouths was true. It’s heartbreaking that God had to come behind the Church and these teachings to correct what was, in fact, being led astray—something that was promised would never happen.

These doctrines have caused my family and me great harm. They are unhealthy, untrue, and psychologically damaging. After being diagnosed with spiritual trauma and scrupulosity, I am now in my third year of spiritual trauma processing and recovery therapy.

I now know that you and other prophets and apostles—past and present—are just human beings. You can and do make mistakes. You lie. You say untruthful things, harmful things, hurtful things, and manipulative things. You do not always speak for God. You are not always kind. You are not always good leaders. And yes—you can and do abuse power.

I wish these truths were taught in the Church. Acknowledging your humanity wouldn’t diminish your importance—it would enhance it, by making your leadership more grounded in love and humility, rather than the authoritarian way that dominates our church teachings. The authoritarian teachings the church uses regarding prophets and apostles are very destructive and abusive. They stifle the spiritual growth, development, and agency of the individual members. Because the members have been indoctrinated to outsource their spiritual authority to an external figure, rather than learning to trust their own internal spirit and in development of their own personal connection with God.

This is not Christ’s plan. It aligns more closely with Satan’s—removing a person’s agency, eliminating personal choice, demanding obedience over connection, and pressuring them to conform rather than letting them choose for themselves what they believe in and what strengthens them spiritually.

President J. Reuben Clark Jr. once counseled: “You will never make a mistake by following the instructions and the counsel of him who stands at the head as God’s mouthpiece on earth.”

These authoritarian teachings about prophets and apostles are a big mistake. President Woodruff’s teaching that prophets will never lead you astray, is also a big mistake. These teachings have caused immense pain and internal suffering—not just for me and my family, but for many others as well.

While some now claim that the Church teaches prophets are fallible, that message is barely taught—and only in recent years. I’ve heard it maybe a handful of times in my 45 years in the Church. When a message is presented 99% of the time in one direction, people internalize it. That’s how indoctrination works.

There’s a quote I love: “The Catholics teach that the pope is infallible—and nobody believes it. Latter-day Saints teach that the prophet is fallible—and nobody believes it.”

My latest struggle has come from Elder Holland’s message, “The Garment of the Holy Priesthood” (September 2024): “Please don’t misunderstand. As you reach out for divine guidance, the Spirit will not inspire you to do less than follow the instruction received in the temple and the prophetic counsel shared by the First Presidency.”

So, is he teaching that we believe in personal revelation—or in personal conformity to the leaders?

These are exactly the types of messages that lead people astray. These are the kinds of messages that cause real and lasting harm. People spend years in therapy recovering from the shame, fear, and internal conflict these teachings create. They can not hear or feel the spirit speaking to them when the messages from the church are so much louder and contradict what they are feeling from the spirit.

Also, in October 2021, you said: “Take your questions to the Lord and to other faithful sources. Study with the desire to believe rather than with the hope that you can find a flaw in the fabric of a prophet’s life or a discrepancy in the scriptures. Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with … doubters.”

I hate how, as Church leaders, you think you have the right to dictate what our spiritual journey should look like. When I read about Jesus Christ and his life, I see someone who welcomed questions more than He gave answers. I see someone who embraces seekers, not silences them. Doubt, questions, curiosity, and honest struggles are essential to spiritual growth. That’s how revelation works.

When you discourage questioning, whether you realize it or not, you are following Satan’s plan more than Christ’s—you are stripping away a members free agency, you are removing their ability to think and choose for themselves, you’re telling them not to trust their own spirit, not to listen and use their own discernment, and not to trust in our Heavenly Parents process of communicating directly to their children. Many of you should already know that using manipulation tactics like fear, shame, guilt, and spiritual gaslighting destroys a member’s free agency. Because now they are making choices based off of that manipulation tactic instead of making decisions from a place of love, peace, and truth.

I’m thankful that my Heavenly Parents have come behind the Church to correct the terrible, untruthful, hurtful, and abusive authoritarian teachings about prophetic authority. I only wish They had done it sooner—and not waited 43 years. I’ve had to painfully work through years of betrayal trauma because I sincerely believed everything I was taught. I know better now, but that doesn’t lessen the pain of the spiritual abuse I have endured.

People can handle painful truths far more than they can survive manipulative lies. Lies catch up to you—and those lies destroy people.

It has been empowering to take my control back for my own spirituality. I will never again outsource it to the leaders of our church. In a strange way, I should thank you—because your April 2021 talk was the moment when God clearly told me that what you were saying was, “Not true. And was not kind.” Can you imagine the pain, the turmoil, and the betrayal that was stirring in my heart and soul. It was devastating! It has been a long and difficult journey—but I made it. And I know my Heavenly Parents are proud of me. And I am proud of myself.

I finally understand my true worth, without the layers of manipulation, lies, fear, and control. I know my connection with my Heavenly Parents is eternal and will always be. I no longer believe the Church’s lie that I would lose that connection if I stopped “doing all the things.” Their love is unconditional. Their guidance is gentle and peaceful. And Their Spirit is stronger in my life than ever before. And I now know that it has nothing to do with all the rules, rituals, or perfect/exact obedience. In fact, I was being blinded by “doing all the things”, that is what destroyed my spiritual connection to Them and caused years of mental health struggles.

There is still so much pain and trauma to work through. But I know I can do it—because I feel Their love surrounding me. And love—not fear—is what heals, encourages, liberates, and transforms.

I’m writing this not because I expect a reply or even an apology—but because my story deserves to be heard. I will no longer stay silent about the harm done in the name of obedience. I speak up for myself, for my healing, and for the many others who are still trying to find their voice.

Thank you for listening,

Jami Newton

PS: I’m still a member but trying to do it with a new Lens of love, it is much harder than just following a script blindly, but also, way more rewarding.

Jamie is a life long Mormon & return Missionary. She has struggled with perfectionism and scrupulosity most of her life. She internalized so many harmful teachings from the church probably because she had no parent at home to tell her otherwise. Everything she learned, she learned from the church. She and her 3 brothers raised each other. She played college basketball and loves all things sports, and outdoors. She has 3 amazing kids, one of which was diagnosed with a rare incurable pain disease called AMPS/CRPS, after 3 major brain surgeries to remove a brain tumor when he was 5 years old. She been married to her best friend for over 20 years. She is thankful for him everyday.

Mama, What is Lynching?

This post grew out of my own mother role, and I share it here with the acknowledgement that our LDS emphasis on motherhood makes these discussions fraught with an expectation that all women must claim the nurturing characteristics and must want to be mothers. I hope these thoughts are useful beyond parenting and welcome insights from anyone regardless of parental status. 

We were listening to Suffs, our current favorite cleaning day soundtrack, when my 8-year-old caught a lyric and asked, “Mama, what is lynching?”  

My mind was on getting the dishwasher loaded and the cleaning done. Reader, prepare yourself for a fumbled answer.  

“It’s when…well…see…they…kill people. I mean, regular citizens kidnap…I mean…they kill someone to make everyone else afraid…” 

You will have to imagine my daughter’s face as I stumbled through. Her, processing my rambling. Me, trying to decide in that moment if the raw truth of a lynching – an innocent person hanging from a tree surrounded by masked cowards– was developmentally appropriate to describe. 

Just in case we don’t all see the train sized issue with that response, I was sidestepping the racial element of lynching. In the moment, I knew she would be terrified someone would attempt to lynch her biracial dad.  

Her next question, and the wide-open fear in her eyes, meant she connected the dots despite my disjointed explanation.   

“Would anyone try to lynch us?”  

I wasn’t on any stronger ground here. The real answer – the possibility of violence against our family is never 0% – wasn’t helpful when my daughter looked to me with reassurance. 

In 2016, I was plagued by imaginations of a mob surrounding our home with a conveniently placed Black man inside. Raised on the Mormon lore of movies like Legacy, “the mob” is all too easy to imagine. Although our MAGA flag flying neighbor has moved since then, with my husband running for local political office (and getting elected!), I have had to make my peace with the increased risk of visibility.    

So I offered to my daughter, “If anyone tried, we wouldn’t let them. They rely on fear, and we won’t be afraid. We would stop them.”  

We won’t be afraid.  

The problem is, I am absolutely afraid, on many levels, to an occasionally overwhelming degree. But I also have to parent.     

Is there a parenting book out there on guiding one’s child through political upheaval? A rise of fascism? Climate crisis? How about one for raising daughters up into a world gone backwards? 

Maybe there’s not. But there is a strong body of work on raising Black children in a racially unjust America. As a very white lady who has a biracial spouse and children, I’m going to share some of the insights I’ve been meditating on as of late. What can I learn from Black mothers?    

Sojourner Truth1 came to her activism through her first efforts to reclaim her illegally enslaved children, including her son Peter. Following the example of her own mother, Truth named and spoke the pain that systemic racism caused in her life. Crystal Lynn Webster writes, “Sojourner Truth used mourning as a way to convey both the disruption of family and the loss of motherhood rights in relation to the separation from her children.” 

Mourning. 

I feel cause to mourn.  

I mourn what feels like broken promises – that the world my children are inheriting is not the one I wanted them to have.  

My state legislation is in the process of passing a massacre of bills designed to wound and destroy. I mourn the safety and security trans kids deserve but are not guaranteed. This isn’t what I wanted for my kids.    

I’m watching our educational system dismantled, and I mourn.    

I’m watching videos of young women apprehended by masked, unidentified agents, and I mourn. I’m learning about torture in El Salvador, and I mourn. 

I heard that someone in a car yelled a slur at a local queer student in our town and drove away. I mourn.     

It’s the Mormon in me that I can’t hear the word mourn without thinking of Jesus Christ’s direction “to mourn with those that mourn” (Mosiah 18:9). It’s the faith in me that makes mutual mourning an integral touchstone.  

It is a value that can only be enacted in Community. It’s impossible to share the pain and suffering – and hope and comfort – if there are not at least two people to share the load.  

There is power in speaking and sharing. There is power in taking action.   

Webster says, “In Truth’s own experience with being forcibly separated from her child Peter, she converted the mourning meditations and practices of her mother into active resistance.” 

Can we feel called to act because of and through our children?    

Zenobia Jeffries Warfield, in conversation with author Dani McClain, asks McClain how community work  and family life intertwine. McClain says, “[Cat] said that sometimes her daughter gets kind of frustrated. ‘Why can’t we be like these other families?’ And Cat told her, ‘We don’t live for the I, we live for the we.’”  

We don’t live for the I, we live for the we.  

Mic. Drop.  

I feel like I want to cross stitch that saying on a pillow or paint a board and slap on some vinyl lettering during a RS craft night so I can put it over the door. 

Better yet, I can live out the principle. We Mormon women are good at service. It’s in our DNA to deliver casseroles, babysit the kids, move the people, clean up the mess, and leave some cookies by a doorstep.  

While all that service is meaningful and important, there’s more to “living for the we” than traditional Mormon expressions of community service. 

McClain continues, “And when she said that, that was like an affirmation of what I’d heard from other mothers in other interviews, and had also read in the Black motherhood literature. This idea that as Black mothers we tend to not only be focused on solving problems for our children and our individual families, but we understand that when we see a problem that our children are facing—a problem at school or we’re having trouble getting them adequate health care or there’s not a playground on the block—we know that this isn’t just something that’s a problem for our family. We understand that there’s a solution that benefits a broader community and a broader family.” 

When we do feel called to action for and on behalf of our children, can we also consider our broader communities?      

If there’s a problem affecting my family, it might affect others too. “Living for the we” gives purpose and meaning to our actions. It asks us to think about the future and the past. To build good things that can last. To right wrongs.  

What wrongs do I want to right? Where do I want to make a difference? Do I think I can make a difference?  

What values and strengths can I help my children to embody – to become the foundational touchstones of their lives – by engaging in visible community action both with and for my children? 

Is there a single child in our country that doesn’t benefit when we root out racism, xenophobia, homophobia where we stand?  

When my daughter asked me about lynching, my immediate response was to shield her innocence. I don’t really want her to know about the nightmares of our world before she’s ready to handle them. But I did her an initial disservice. She was ready. What she needed was a mom who could hold her and help her process the nightmares. To know there’s something she can do in response. 

In the grace of allowing myself to be a very imperfect mom, there are other times I’m not half bad at taking my children along for the ride as I offer up my ability to lift where I stand in my community.     

I also know that I am very often exhausted. The time and effort it takes to be engaged in our communities, on top of financially, emotionally, physically providing for our families is, well, a lot. 

No one knows this better than Black mothers. If the liberation of a white American Mormon mother is the agency to freely choose not to engage in stay-at-home-motherhood without judgement or penalty in her religious community, the OG working moms – American Black women – deserve the right to be able to engage in stay-at-home-motherhood without judgement or penalty as well.  

There’s a lot of pressure to live up to the ideal of Black motherhood: 

“The Strong Black Woman is easily recognizable. She confronts all trials and tribulations. She is a source of unlimited support for her family. She is a motivated, hard-working breadwinner. She is always prepared to do what needs to be done for her family and her people. She is sacrificial and smart. She suppresses her emotional needs while anticipating those of others. She has an irrepressible spirit that is unbroken by a legacy of oppression, poverty, and rejection. (Harris-Perry, 2011, 21) “ Nichols, Gringle, and Pulliam 

I can think of a few white Mormon mothers who could relate to some of these statements, particularly when pointing to the hobbling effects of Presidents Benson and Kimball’s ideal Mormon motherhood: 

“No career approaches in importance that of wife, homemaker, mother—cooking meals, washing dishes, making beds for one’s precious husband and children. Come home, wives, to your husbands. Make home a heaven for them. Come home, wives, to your children, born and unborn. Wrap the motherly cloak about you and, unembarrassed, help in a major role to create the bodies for the immortal souls who anxiously await.”  

We all might have a bit of an understanding of what it means to squeeze into a tiny box because it’s more convenient for those around us. For white Mormon women, it’s men who need the convenience. For Black women in America, it’s a whole lot more than that.  

A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez asks, “How can I tuck my children in and kiss them goodnight with the knowledge that a murderous white supremacist world is out there waiting to make an example of them? At the same time, how can I fight in the streets knowing that I’ve missed so many bed times, so many opportunities to kiss my kids goodnight?” 

This question has no good answer, but it has stuck with me.  

How can I endure the world as it is and also know that doing the work to make it better takes me away from my family at times and will take a toll on my own personal well being? How do we sustainably engage in this work?   

Toni Cade Bambara explores this double bind in her novel The Salt Eaters2.  

Author Danica Savonick describes Bambara’s character Velma Henry, who “is a community organizer, computer programmer, sister, wife, and mother who has been spread thin by these multiple modes of cultural work” (43). Velma goes on a healing journey, discovering more about herself and finding focus and peace through dance. Velma ultimately decides that it is through dance that she will do her cultural work. Savonick concludes, “Restoring Velma’s position in the community gives her (and, by extension, readers) permission not to try and do it all, but to pursue one’s preferred modes of cultural work, bolstered by the knowledge that others are working alongside us, too, and in different ways” (44).     

If there’s an opportunity in this moment, it’s perhaps in finding our mode of cultural work, teaching our children how to be make a difference, how to stand up for what is right, and how to navigate an engaged life as a public citizen, a seeker of social justice, and as a mother, wife, sister, aunt, daughter. Black women can and do lead the way. 

No one can do it all. There is no ideal that is worth maiming our souls to attain. But we all can do something. 

Notes: 

1. To avoid continuing the trend of putting Truth’s life on a pedestal, I want to take a moment to sit with her grief: “ Sojourner Truth is the symbolic representation of the “strong black woman.” She was also a mother who, in an often overlooked section of her famous speech, reminded her audience of the price of motherhood for black women: I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain’t I a woman? (Lekan 2009, 312)” Nichols, Gringle, and Pulliam 

2. Full disclosure: The Salt Eaters just went on my TBR, and I’m pulling from a synopsis from Danica Savonick’s Open Admissions, which is what I’m currently reading.  

Photo by Daniel Curran on Unsplash

Guest Post: we fall together

Guest Post by Annie Allen

A Song of Evewe fall together

I know no good.

I know no evil,

but I know my Mother,

and I know my Father.

I know that They are Glorious.

And he and I are made in Their image,

so we too, must be gloriously radiant.

 

I know no joy.

I know no sorrow.

but I know my Father,

and I know my Mother.

So I know inconvenience is entangled in creation,

and sacrifice is confluent with parenthood.

 

I know no generosity.

I know no greed.

But I know my Mother,

and I know my Father.

So I know to consult and to pray.

They teach me to trust in Their word,

for trust is all I know.

 

I know no pleasure.

I know no pain.

But I know my Father,

and I know my Mother.

So I know courage.

They are torchbearers, so I must take heart,

and reach for what I cannot see.

 

I know no virtue.

I know no vice.

But suddenly, I know a stranger;

he tells me to partake.

 

In that moment, I come to know uncertainty.

I am teetering on the precipice of fear.

On the edge of serene stagnation and

perplexing progression

For the first time,

I know that I do not know.

 

So I ponder what I do know.

I am glorious, because They are.

Parenthood is sacredly sacrificial.

Trust, and pray, and consult.

I must pioneer whatever wilderness I encounter.

More than anything, I know my Mother,

and I know my Father.

 

That knowledge becomes the eye of the storm.

Chaos abounds, but They are the one constant.

I know what must be done.

My eyes linger on the turmoil

swirling on all sides,

but my gaze rises heavenward.

I see the light, and it begs me to act.

 

I leap.

 

And in that midair moment,

I am suddenly encircled in the arms my Parents’ love.

The cacophony quiets, we fall together,

and in a moment,

I know their Son, my Brother.

And with tears in our eyes and

my weight on His shoulders,

I whisper, “thank you.”

 

I now know radiance because I know the dark.

I now know sacrifice because I know convenience.

I now know prayer because I know loneliness.

I now know progression because I know stagnation.

 

I know good and evil

I know joy and sorrow.

I know pleasure and pain.

I know generosity and greed.

I know virtue and vice.

Because

I know my Mother.

And I know my Father.

____

Annie grew up in the Church, and loves using Jesus as an excuse to love others, especially the marginalized and outcast. She is studying Sociology at BYU, and her dream is to help people feels God’s love. She loves to write, and does it often, in addition to being a river rafting guide in the summers, and avid rock climber year round, a lover of sleeping in the dirt, and an appreciator of all things beautiful.

Guest Post: This is holy, this is love

by Emmy

I wrote this poem after finishing another sealing session with my husband. I was frustrated by the lack of connection I felt on yet another date night. Time with just the two of us is hard to find with small children at home and we wanted to prioritize God in our relationship. However, as we faithfully attended the temple every other week I felt the distance between both God and my husband growing wider.

Fortunately, I finally told my husband how I felt about our temple trips one night. He graciously apologized for not knowing and we decided together to start going every other month instead so we could do more fun dates. Last night, I got a strike as we enjoyed bowling and ice cream, being able to freely talk and laugh as we played. That was holy, and that was love.

 

This is holy, this is love

 

In a quiet, pristine room,

dressed in unfamiliar clothes,

hands are clasped across the altar,

the closest we can touch

formality in every step,

words profound but distant

told to focus, yet I feel apart

an observer, not a participant.

solemn promises echo,

spoken by one I barely know,

my only word echoes in the chambered room, yes I simply say

promises of future blessings, yet nothing for here and now

this is holy? this is love?

In my small familiar room, dressed in comfy clothes,

hands grasp tightly to each other, nothing separating us

familiarity in every step, every word a whispered vow

no need to focus, I simply feel, I experience every joy

laughter echoes as we talk about our days, nothing goes unshared

we are here and we are now, nothing more to fear

this is holy. this is love

 

Emmy is a new mother from Wisconsin. She’s learning to navigate the complex world of motherhood and her faith, all while learning who she really is.

“Listen” – FALL 2025 CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

The directives to “listen” and “hearken” appear over and over again in our scriptural canon. How has your appreciation for these teachings deepened—or perhaps been upended? How has your relationship with listening evolved? 

While we often think of listening as passive, deep listening actively shapes understanding. We know that using our voices can be a source of power, but what about the reverse? When have you been shaped by the failure or the success of listening or “being heard,” recognizing that effective communication goes beyond spoken words? Who (or what) taught you to listen better? How have you learned to listen to yourself?

We welcome all prose, poetry, and art that reckons with deep listening. Written submissions are due by July 15, 2025. Please follow the guidelines. Authors and artists should identify with the mission of Exponent II.

(Photo by Anastasiya Badun on Unsplash)

On Dealing with Bladder Pain, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and Health Anxiety

This post is in honor of National Women’s Health Month, a time to focus on and prioritize women’s health in the US, Women’s Health Week in Canada, happening May 5-11, 2024, and International Day of Action for Women’s Health on May 28th.

Women’s pelvic health issues affect the well-being of millions of women throughout the world. In the United States, up to about 8 million American women suffer from bladder pain syndrome, and roughly one-quarter suffer from pelvic floor disorders. 

The impact on women’s mental health due to pelvic dysfunction is something to take seriously. Suicidal thinking is “alarmingly more common” for women who face chronic pelvic pain. Symptoms can sometimes be debilitating and keep them from working and enjoying their lives. Women may suffer from health anxiety, depression and hopelessness. It can truly be hard to enjoy life when you almost constantly feel you have to pee, suffer from incontinence, or deal with pain and urinary trouble day and night.

Many women have had negative experiences when seeking medical help. They might not receive adequate or appropriate treatments, referrals, mental health support, or the information they need. This is all the more a concern under the current federal administration in the US.

My ongoing journey healing from pelvic floor dysfunction and bladder pain started about six years ago. My symptoms have impacted my spiritual and emotional life and been an immense challenge at times. I have dealt with some common problems, including hypertonic pelvic floor, bladder pain syndrome, overactive bladder, and vulvodynia (vulvar pain and inflammation). I’ve found a lot of relief from pelvic pain, including bladder pain, even though at first it wasn’t clear this would be possible. My family doctor had told me my chronic pain didn’t have an effective path for treatment and he ignored its negative impact on my mental health. Later it became clear that he hoped without telling me it would clear up on his own, which it didn’t. I’m glad I sought out help from specialists who could do more to educate and help me (my gynecologist and pelvic floor therapist were the most helpful).

While I’m not an expert and I can’t speak to all the pelvic disorders that women face, I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned about pelvic floor rehabilitation and ways to deal with health anxiety about chronic pain.

For excellent information about the full range of pelvic floor health needs for both men and women, I highly recommend the Pelvic Health and Rehabilitation Center’s Blog, which often posts about helpful new insights and research findings, where you can easily browse articles about whatever pelvic health topics you want to learn about.

Bladder pain is often caused by tightness, weakness and dysfunction happening in the muscles around it

Bladder pain, difficulty peeing, urinary urgency and leaks are often caused by a pelvic floor that is weak, stiff and/or tight such that it is not relaxing or functioning optimally. The pelvic floor can become “hypertonic,” or chronically tense over time. We might clench the pelvic floor muscles like a fist as a natural stress response, as well as a reflex to help prevent loss of bladder control when we’re in fight or flight mode. We might hold these muscles tight because they and surrounding muscles are weak and we’re trying not to have urine leaks. Or we might overuse them during a urinary tract infection or due to dealing with overactive bladder. Also, the compression, stretching, and tearing that the pelvic floor undergoes during pregnancy can play a big role in women developing pelvic muscle weakness, dysfunction, and pain.

Pelvic floor tension creates pressure where the bladder sits, which can cause bladder irritation, pain, and overactivity. Pelvic clenching also makes it hard for the pelvic floor muscles to release and lengthen as we breathe, something that is meant to benefit and make space for our internal organs, including the bladder.

Your frequent bladder pain is probably not caused by UTIs

When I first had bladder pain, I was scared that I seemed to be having recurrent UTIs. Before my chronic pain started, I’d had a UTI that I didn’t manage to treat immediately due to my insurance situation. The infection had resolved, but UTI-like pain resurfaced. My doctor told me there was no infection, and a urologist told me my bladder looked perfectly normal inside. A pelvic floor physical therapist showed me that the root cause of my bladder pain and urgency was hypertonicity in my pelvic floor muscles. When she put pressure on muscles around the bladder, this replicated the unpleasant sensations I had been feeling that felt just like a UTI. She also explained that hip tightness and pain was connected to the tension and pain in my pelvic floor.

Pelvic floor dysfunction is the more common and significant culprit of bladder pain than the bladder itself. It’s true that the lining of the bladder can sometimes be sensitive, like the intestines can be. Spicy foods, highly concentrated urine or acidic drinks might irritate it or contribute to symptoms. If the lining of the bladder is sensitive, some women take an aloe vera supplement for the bladder throughout the day and report that this relieve symptoms. (I tried this and it made no difference for me). But unless you get a cystoscopy (camera bladder imaging by a urologist) that shows an issue with your bladder, or you have recurrent UTIs validated through urine tests, bladder pain and having too much urgency is most likely caused by what is going on with the muscles and tissues around your bladder.

Becoming confident my bladder pain and urgency were not due to infections helped me catastrophize less when I had symptoms and get in a calmer headspace. I also learned that vulvar irritation and inflammation that accompanied these symptoms for me was not caused by infections, but vulvodynia (chronic pain in the vulva) and was also caused by pelvic floor tightness and compression in the area. As I stopped worrying about what had seemed like chronic vaginal infections, many of the vulvodynia symptoms started fading and didn’t bother me much even when they flared up.

Below are some resources and practices for rehabilitating and finding relief from bladder pain:

Get help from a pelvic floor physical therapist and create a routine of rehabilitative exercise

A pelvic floor physical therapist can let you know what is going on in your pelvic floor and the connected muscles groups that affect it. This is a really valuable and important resource to tap into because it can be easy to misinterpret what is going on with your pelvic floor and what it needs and choose the wrong rehabilitative exercises if you’re just trying to figure things out on your own at home. A physiotherapist can provide and help carry out an expert plan on how to go about meeting your needs and treating your symptoms with rehabilitative treatments and exercises.

Recognize the whole body is connected to the pelvic floor

Doing internal massage with my first pelvic floor therapist to release the pelvic floor muscles directly didn’t really help relieve my pain much–everything still felt sensitive and would just tighten up again. A second therapist taught me that many other muscle groups are connected to and influence the function of my pelvic floor. Working on these muscles is helping me find pain relief a lot more than internal massage. Stretches I currently do everyday to prevent bladder pain include lying butterfly stretch, thoracic rotation, passive ROM extension, diaphragmatic (belly) breathing, happy baby, yogic squat, wide-legged forward bend, sideways child’s pose, and child’s pose to cobra.

Your physical therapist may give you exercises for your hips, glutes, core and back, even your feet, to counteract the dysfunction and pain. Yoga is also a good idea. Online pelvic health physical therapist Melissa Oleson offers workshops and classes that address pelvic floor pain and dysfunction that strengthen all these related muscle groups, including a free class on her you tube channel. The idea is that when you back, core, glutes, hips, etc. become stronger and better conditioned, they will better support your pelvic floor even in resting position, and will help promote better breathing that optimizes the pressure inside the abdomen.

If your pelvic floor is hypertonic and/or tends to tighten up, release and relax it daily

There are lots of helpful videos on you tube for this. Here is the one I personally found the most effective for helping me release my pelvic floor when it was really hypertonic: 4 Techniques To Relax A Hypertonic Pelvic Floor. Using belly breathing with the relaxation is really good for the pelvic floor. Even if things are really tight and discouraging at first, don’t give up. Daily efforts will make a difference. I also recommend this playlist of pelvic floor relaxation videos from The Flower Empowered. To know what kinds of stretches will help you most, its best to advise a pelvic floor therapist. 

Treat any constipation and minimize any pushing when you use the toilet

Pushing hard when you go to the bathroom is hard on your pelvic floor and can contribute to pain. If you’re struggling with constipation, treating this through a healthy diet with enough fiber, drinking plenty of water, and having a stable routine with you diet can help relieve patterns of pain. Miralax can help take the edge off of constipation and make things gentler on the pelvic floor. Also, avoid pushing when you pee, it is better to adjust your hips to help speed things along if peeing is slow. According to my therapist, you should also be in a normal seated position when urinating instead of squatting. (although using a “squatty potty” stool is great for constipation!)

Bladder training is helpful

When we have a lot of bladder discomfort and urgency, we pee frequently, and the bladder gradually reduces its capacity–that is, it will send signals for you to pee when there isn’t much in it. An adult normally shouldn’t start getting any messages that it’s time to start planning a trip to the toilet until there is about one cup of urine in the bladder. And ideally (though there is of course some variation with this) we should pee about 7 times in a 24 hour period. If you are peeing small amounts many times a day to find pain relief and you don’t have a UTI, bladder training can help address this.

Your pelvic floor therapist (or a physician) can help support you through this and give personalized instructions. You track how frequently you are peeing, and sometimes how much. You can buy toilet inserts that measure how much you are emptying if needed. To stretch your capacity, you gradually challenge yourself to wait a little longer than you’d normally empty (even just 5 minutes) so that you don’t gratify the bladder until it fills more. It takes patience and practice, but over a few months, your bladder’s capacity and your pelvic floor strength will improve, and urgency messages will decrease. 

Be in it for the long game

Physical therapy for pelvic floor dysfunction is usually not a quick healing process you finish and are done with, but a process of creating a life-long prevention and maintenance plan of stretches and practices to care for your body. The dysfunction can take a long time to change and improve, but change is possible and real. I’ve accepted I’ll be doing exercises to help my pelvic floor for the rest of my life, and this actually makes me happy because it gives me purpose and hope. Improvement is often slow, but what matters to me is that relief and improvement are possible.

Use Belly Breathing and Optimize your Posture to Promote Pelvic Floor Health and Decrease Bladder Pain

Improving your posture and breathing habits can go a long way in improving pelvic floor health. When we walk and sit, it benefits the pelvic floor to use a posture in which the rib cage is stacked above the pelvis like a lampshade that is sitting directly on top of a bowl (instead of tucking the pelvis forward), and to take full breaths (through the nose) that expand all four sides of the rib cage and that reach all the way to your sit bones and pelvic floor.

When you inhale deeply with this posture, the diaphragm descends, and the pelvic floor relaxes, lengthens and descends. When you exhale, the diaphragm ascends, and the pelvic floor contracts and ascends. It’s a constant flux and wave that supports the pelvic floor’s flexibility, strength, and function. Good breathing and posture also regulates abdominal pressure which is good for the bladder. If you can’t feel this happening in your pelvic floor, it’s probably because it is too tight. It’s easier to feel this happening while lying down on your back. Time, practice, and rehabilitative exercise can help restore this constant flow of the pelvic floor.

Avoid pelvic clenching during exercise, times when you are stressed, etc. The muscles should be used, then relaxed. Kegels at 100% contraction of the pelvic floor can actually be counterproductive for individuals struggling with pelvic pain, advise your pelvic floor therapist about what Kegels, if any, are right for you. I do Kegels at no more than 50%.

In a “Boss Bladder” workshop I attended, pelvic health specialist Melissa Oleson suggested leaning ever so slightly forward (4 degrees) while walking and hiking in order to optimize breathing and abdominal pressure, and better activate the glutes (which better help support a healthy pelvic floor when strengthened).

On Vulvar Pain and Garments 

If your pelvic troubles include vulvar irritation, redness, itchiness, and or swelling, here is some advice from the Mayo clinic: “Tight clothing limits airflow to your vulva, which can be irritating to the area. Wear 100% cotton underwear instead of nylon underwear. Try sleeping without underwear at night. Also make sure to wear loose pants and skirts. Choose thigh-high or knee-high hose instead of pantyhose.”

As others have discussed before on the blog, vulvar health is one reason the Church mandating women to wear garments 24/7 is a huge problem and really isn’t acceptable in light of women’s actual medical needs. Garment shorts are unsuitable for the vulva, which needs airflow. When I look back at all the time I was struggling with bad vulvodynia and sleeping in garment shorts, sometimes even with panties and pads underneath, I’m confident it made my symptoms worse. Give yourself a medical permission slip to do what you need to to treat your symptoms. 

I was personally inspired by this Exponent II post in which Shahnana shares candid, useful advice given to her by her gynecologist when she was struggling with recurrent vaginal infections: “my Mormon underwear wasn’t really made for a woman’s body which needed a little more room to breathe. [My doctor] suggested that I change into something that would allow my lady parts to air out at night while I was sleeping. I could wear them during the day all day but I just needed to allow for a little more circulation.”

Treat any health anxiety that may be exacerbating your pelvic and/or bladder pain

It is normal to develop health anxiety and patterns of panic and catastrophizing about chronic pain. When you’re caught up in the middle of this, it can feel like you’re the only person to have this kind of scary and overwhelming anxiety, but of course that’s not true. Your health anxiety follows the same old patterns as millions of other people– such as worrying it will never improve or go away, that it’s going to prevent you from doing certain things, etc. The problem is this anxiety can keep your mind in a fear state in which you don’t feel safe, which only makes it harder to release tension. 

Educational clips and meditations for health anxiety on Curable, an app dedicated to offering info. and exercises for treating health anxiety and chronic pain, helped me recognize that the crippling fear I was experiencing about the chronic pain was something millions of other people understood very well, and that it was only making my patterns of pelvic tension worse. Once I understood how health anxiety typically works, it’s like I saw through a broken framework that couldn’t have the same pull on me anymore. In addition to the Curable app, I recommend Barry McDonagh’s approaches to health anxiety and dealing with difficult sensations found in his book Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks.

Cultivate a safer and more reassuring state of mind

One of the most powerful things you can learn to do with chronic pain is to learn to respond differently to pain flares, with kindness, mindfulness it will pass, and resilience instead of despair or panic. When symptoms flare up, the thing that helps most to change patterns is to send yourself messages of comfort, compassion, and safety rather than messages of danger and threat. This takes practice, but can be helpful. I’ve used meditations from Curable to help me reassure myself when I was in pain. One exercise has you say affirmations while placing your hand on your heart to invoke the comfort of a hug. The mantras include: “these sensations are safe,”  “this is just temporary,” “we’re in this together,” “this is not forever,” I’m gonna be okay,” and “we’re gonna get past this.” Another exercise I like helps you set a daily intention to create new and healthier thought patterns that help me feel safe.

The body and nervous system can adapt and change more readily when the mind is open to change and feels safe. While there is certainly a physical element to my pain, there is also a considerable mental and emotional one I’ve needed to address and learn to understand, and addressing this has helped me rehabilitate.

Open your mind to hope, and the reality of constant change

This is a key principle for finding relief from chronic pain. One thing that helps me be open to hope and healing is remembering that I’ve already had over forms of pain change immensely in my life. I had IBS from childhood through to my mid-thirties. It became debilitating around age 28–I lost forty pounds I didn’t have to lose, had trouble eating in general, and worried I’d never have a proper appetite again or improve. After a few years of medical support and experimentation with treatments in my early 30s, IBS is no longer a problem that looms over me or fills me with dread, just something that flares up pretty briefly every once in a while.

We and the things around us are always in flux and always changing, and even pain that is long lasting and forceful can change and fade. Even women in their 80s can improve their pelvic floor function through rehabilitative exercise. There is always more to learn and new approaches to try as we take care of ourselves. Pelvic muscle tone and function can change and evolve over months and years of tending to these things.

Let go of any narratives that God (or the universe) sent you pelvic or bladder pain or that you did something to deserve it

The hips and pelvis are a place many of us tend to store and tap into a lot of emotions, trauma, and feelings, so having chronic pain here can be extra emotional and confusing just because of this. I don’t care what mistakes or omissions you’ve made in taking care or your body, what lustful feelings you might have had, what’s going on in your relationships, or whatever flaws you might have. You haven’t done anything to deserve this pain, and God didn’t send it to you. As Adam Miller discusses in Original Grace, God doesn’t do evil or harm to humans. How could we love a God that hurts us, that treats us as not good enough or unworthy just for being born in and having learning experiences in this world? God extends grace and support and doesn’t want you to suffer. 

Be self-compassionate and don’t stop doing things you enjoy

Sit on the couch at the end of the day in whatever position relieves some of the pressure and pelvic and/or bladder pain– maybe with your legs up on the couch in a relaxed yogic squat, or with both knees to one side and then the other, or in a butterfly. Turn on a comedy. Schitt’s Creek, the 1996 version of Pride and Prejudice, whatever suits your fancy! In short, do what it takes to feel like yourself and to have something relaxing to look forward to. Take whatever breaks you can from pain. Plan and execute things you enjoy whether or not you’re in pain, don’t let it rule your life. 

You might also like to do loving-kindness meditations directed toward yourself should you have any self-loathing thoughts or a loud voice in your head that is really mad at you about the pain. It is possible to change our mental attitudes toward ourselves and our pain. 

Last Thoughts

I’m not fully rehabilitated from pelvic and bladder pain, and I have flare ups sometimes. I’m also in middle age now facing mid-life stress and responsibility, and pelvic issues can get more difficult in perimenopause and menopause due to hormonal changes and aging. But my life is livable and I have gathered resources and tools I didn’t have in the past. I’m living pain-free and health anxiety free the majority of my time and the issues don’t bother my mental health very much anymore. I’m currently going to physical therapy and I continue to learn about how I can counteract tendencies for pelvic trouble through stretching and rehabilitative exercise. I hope this post will help others with their pelvic floor issues and can help bring both emotional and physical relief. If I can improve and find relief and hope, I believe all other pelvic patients can too!

Images were downloaded from unsplash.com.

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Guest Post: The Baby Blessing Blues

Guest Post by Naomi McAllister Noorda

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH

We recently blessed my baby daughter in our ward. I’ve always loved the idea of moms holding their babies during the baby blessing as a way for them to still be involved somehow (since, you know, they just carried and birthed this baby) and it seems like the babies are so much happier, too! My daughter has some health issues that had her in braces at the time of her blessing. This makes her more fussy and particular about how she is held, and also heavier than the average baby being blessed because of the extra weight from the bracing. Anyways, I felt like I had a very valid reason for wanting to hold her during the blessing instead of the men in the circle trying to hold her with one hand while also supporting the braces and keeping her happy.

I reached out to my bishop letting him know the circumstances for why I wanted to hold her, and said that it would probably be a better experience for her and everyone else if I were to hold her.

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH

He took some time to think about it, which I was grateful for instead of an immediate dismissal.

Eventually, he said that if it were up to him he’d let me hold her in a heartbeat, but that he also needed to think about the needs of the congregation as a whole. He mentioned that the stake has previously said no to other families wanting to do this, so they would feel awkward saying yes to me now even though we have a valid reason (In my opinion they’re all “valid reasons,” though!).

He also explained that some ward members would be deeply offended that a woman was participating because they might think that I’m part of the ordinance even though I’m not. He did offer to let us do the blessing in our home instead of sacrament meeting, and said he’d be totally fine with me holding my daughter in the comfort of our home.

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH

My bishop said that it was okay if my baby cries during the blessing because it happens all the time and people in the ward are used to it. But I want it to be a good experience for me, my daughter, and my husband. I want to actually be able to hear the words of the blessing instead of feeling stressed while my daughter cries, and I want my husband to not feel anxious about comforting a fussy baby while he’s trying to articulate really sensitive stuff. I don’t really care what the congregation thinks about my baby crying, and I don’t really care if they’re uncomfortable seeing a woman up there holding her baby, in fact, I think it would probably do them some good.

Why is what other people in the congregation might think more important to local leadership than the wellbeing of my baby?

Why is it okay for me to hold my baby during an ordinance in the privacy of my own home, but not in a church building during the same ordinance?

Apparently avoiding “the appearance of evil” is more important than actually meeting the needs of families, the appearance of evil in this case being a mom helping to bless her baby.

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH

We opted to have the blessing in sacrament meeting after all, mostly for pragmatic reasons (we would not have been able to comfortably fit all of the family members who wanted to come in our basement apartment). So we just had to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

This interaction with my bishop was yet another example of how a church that is supposedly so focused on families has room to improve to actually support families with young children.

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH

Naomi has a masters degree in family studies and human development from BYU. She loves thrifting, serving in her ward’s relief society, and being a mom to her daughter