Exponent II's Blog, page 132

Dear Eliza, how do I support my friend in a faith crisis?

Dear Eliza,

My friend recently told me she’s struggling with her testimony of the LDS Church. I’m heartbroken and worried for her. I know she has questions about the role of women at church and some of the church history. It’s also possible that someone offended her one Sunday. I want to be a good friend and help her, but I feel paralyzed. Should I bear my testimony? Gather talks by General Authorities that answer her questions? Make sure she’s committed to daily prayer and scripture study? How do I best support my friend?

Sincerely,

Uncertain in Utah

Dear Uncertain,

First of all, it’s awesome that your friend trusts you enough to privately confide doubts. Wrestling with questions of faith can be painful, scary, and lonely. When she needed support, she reached out to you. This is a big, courageous thing for her to do and she most likely fears being misunderstood or even rejected. You, understandably, feel uncertain about how best to respond.

While there is no one way to respond to a friend in a faith crisis, here are some things you can do:

Resist the urge to fix. Your friend is not a problem to be solved and it is not your responsibility to fix this situation. When you let go of this urge to fix, you can instead focus on simply listening and being there for your friend.Prioritize the personal over the institutional. One of the scariest parts of experiencing doubts is fearing that you could lose friendships, support, and even your community. Focus first on your friendship and secondly on someone’s place in the LDS Church. They want to know that your relationship extends beyond your membership in a shared faith.Offer a safe space and a listening ear. Allow your friend to take the lead here. Ask, “What do you need?” or “How can I best support you?” Even simply say, “I love you and I’m here for you.” When you realize she isn’t asking you to fix this for her, you are free to focus on listening and loving.Put your links, references, and manuals away. When someone expresses doubts, the first instinct is often to find the General Conference talk, inspiring video, or quote from Time Out for Women. It’s very likely that your friend has read, watched, and prayed repeatedly over these doubts. She’s most likely bore her testimony to gain a testimony too. And she is still grappling with questions. Rely instead on what naturally flows into your conversations about faith.Honor her trust in you. Get out of missionary mode. One of the most painful parts of questioning your faith is being reduced to a stereotype or becoming a project. Your friend has likely been on a missionary committee or two and sat in a ward council meeting. She will know if she’s become a project and may feel as though you have violated her trust if you put her on a list.

Friendship is, of course, a two-way relationship. Listening and loving doesn’t mean you need to agree with her or never talk about your own faith. But allow those conversations to come about naturally, rather than in an attempt to fix her or by following a missionary script.

For example, I have an incredible friend who has this ability to truly listen, affirm my feelings, and lift me up in my strengths when I express my doubts. I feel as though she sees and loves me just as I am; even sharing with me when I am an example to her. Because of this, I find that conversations about faith come up naturally and are often rich and rejuvenating.

Be the good friend she already knows you to be. Love her. Listen.

Best, Eliza

Church Disciplinary Councils: Scriptural, But Not Revelatory

When you read Doctrine & Covenants section 102 as part of your Come Follow Me readings this week, take a moment and pause at the first word. No, I’m not talking about the word This, which is the first word of verse one. I am talking about the first word of the introduction: Minutes.

Compare that word, Minutes, to the first word of the section that follows: Revelation. Or the first word of the section that precedes it, which is also Revelation. Section 102 is one of a minority of sections in the Doctrine and Covenants that makes no pretense at being a revelation. It is just the minutes of a meeting where a group of men came together to decide on some policies and voted on them; majority rules. (No women were invited.) This distinction matters because D&C 102 is often cited as the scriptural mandate for the punitive (and often traumatizing) practice of holding church disciplinary councils within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS/Mormon). These church courts continue within the LDS Church decades after most other churches have abandoned church courts in favor of more uplifting pastoral care approaches.

In February 2020, the Church Handbook gave church discipline a facelift, renaming Disciplinary Councils as Membership Councils, and their most severe outcome, Excommunication, as Withdrawal of Membership. However, most of the processes and penalties associated with the practice remain the same. They may not call it excommunication anymore, but withdrawal of membership continues to involve the same shunning-style punishments. Just like excommunication, withdrawal of membership renders null ordinances that are requisite to eternal salvation according to LDS theology.

The good news is that more meaningful policy changes did come alongside these superficial name changes, bringing long overdue correction to some of the most blatantly sexist aspects of prior church discipline policy. Until 2020, bishops were allowed to excommunicate women but not men, who could only be excommunicated by higher-level stake presidents. Three times as many volunteer staff were required to terminate a man’s membership compared to a woman’s.  While the removal of these sexist clauses is an important and welcome step, church discipline policy is not yet even close to treating women fairly. Current policy still allows women to be punished by disciplinary—ahem—membership councils, but does not allow women to call councils, staff them, or judge their outcomes.

Salem Witch Trials Engraving, artist unknown

The meeting minutes that would become D&C 102 were written in 1834, at a time when punishing women in courts staffed entirely by men was the norm in America. In 1867, Elizabeth Cady Stanton described the attitude of the male-only American government of her time this way: “We [men] will be judges, jurors, sheriffs; and give woman the right to be hung on the gallows.” (The Selected Papers of Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, pg. 83) In fact, the year 1834 was closer in history to the years of the Salem Witch Trials than to our modern time. It is unsurprising that the group of men who participated in that meeting decided on a system that was less than progressive.

Fortunately, we don’t have to wait for a revelation to overrule a policy a group of men voted on about two centuries ago, even if it happens to have a section number in Doctrine and Covenants. Call another meeting. Vote for a more compassionate, less punitive, more egalitarian approach.

Oh, and don’t forget to invite women to the meeting this time.

Nice is different than good

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a song in their hymn book called Do what is Right. The chorus reminds us to “do what is right, let the consequence follow.” Four years ago I tried to do what is right and boy, did the consequences follow. I naively believed if I advocated for what is right that other people would understand and also champion what was right.

Four years ago my now adult daughter was in an Adult Roles class in high school. The point of the required class is to help prepare teenagers to become adults. Her teacher had been teaching the same curriculum for 30ish years. In class she had the teenagers fill out a “Dear Abby” survey from 1981 that had questions it on that are against state and federal laws to ask students.

My daughter’s friend refused to fill it out and turn it in, and instead brought it home to her mother who complained to the principal. It escalated to the superintendent and the local news got ahold of it. The teacher was given a week off work while the situation was investigated by the school district (her job was reinstated at the end of the week). After talking to the principal, I tweeted about it when the local paper published the story. Because of this my daughter and I were asked to be interviewed by a local Fox news station. I regret that now because they only used soundbites that did not accurately convey our concerns.

My biggest issue with the survey is that each question had a point value and were calculated a final score at it’s completion. The survey then assigned a classification to a student based on their final score. The highest number of points relegated students to the “hopeless and condemned category.” In a state with a very high teen suicide rate, why would any teacher give an assignment that told a student they were “hopeless and condemned”? Other classifications were ranked as “indecent.” On the other end with the low points, one of the classifications is “pure as ivory soap, you must be a fruitcake.” For those of you not familiar with slang from 1981, a fruitcake is a slur for a gay person.

The Salt Lake Tribune published a copy of the survey:

By alerting the principal and superintendent to what was being given as assignments in this Adult Roles class (I remind you that these questions are against state and federal laws to ask a student) my daughter and I were bullied and harassed because this teacher is “nice.” I kept questioning myself over and over again, since when do nice people get to get away with breaking the law? I kept thinking of the kids in class who had been sexually assaulted, molested, or grew up in families of addiction who were now being told in a high school class that they didn’t have much worth as a person.

My daughter was threatened with physical violence on school property. I was sent dozens of nasty, of course anonymous, messages on Facebook and Twitter. My daughter and I stood up for what was right. This teacher was giving out an assignment that violated the law. It designated certain students as hopeless and condemned while others were called gay slurs. Over and over again I was told how dare I call for this teacher’s firing (I only ever asked that she stop giving out this survey) when she is so “nice.” I live in a predominantly LDS community. This teacher was LDS and so were most of her supporters. What I learned the most about my community was that doing what is right is wrong if the person breaking the law is “nice.” Niceness was praised over goodness. I’m not ashamed of standing up for what was right. I’m ashamed for my community.

As Steven Sondheim wrote in “Into the Woods” – Nice is different than good.

Mary, Our Lady of Sorrows, And Me

Image found here

Tomorrow, September 15, is the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows on the Roman Catholic liturgical calendar. Having been raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this was never an important day for me growing up. While Mary is honored as the mother of Jesus in the LDS tradition, particularly around Christmas, she is not venerated or celebrated. But in recent months, Mary has taken up more space in my heart and spiritual formation. While Mary in the dogmas of the Roman Catholic Church is quite different from the explanation of a Heavenly Mother in the LDS tradition, I am drawn to the idea of a Holy Mother who is accessible in everyday practice, art, and prayer. A mother I can access here, not only a mother there.

A few months ago I spoke with a Roman Catholic friend about the hesitation of myself and many other Mormon feminists to embrace any concept of Heavenly Mother that includes polygamy. I told her about an essay I wrote that is awaiting publication about the ways my seeking Heavenly Mother has crashed against the limits set forth by LDS general authorities. She then shared some of her beliefs and practices around Mary, particularly Mary as Our Lady of Sorrows.

To my great embarrassment, I found myself crying in public as I considered what it would be like to a have a relationship with a Mother in Heaven that wasn’t wrapped in fear. While I have sought Heavenly Mother through study, poetry, art, and prayer, I spent many years in trepidation, aware of the threat of discipline and ostracism that looms over LDS members who speak openly about Heavenly Mother. Within the LDS church, I think the increase in visibility of Heavenly Mother is the launch of a movement, not just a moment, but there is still intense division.

I thought about my friend’s words in the weeks that followed. About this version of Mary who is always sorrowful and to whom you can go with grief and sadness and worry. This intrigued me because I’d felt that the LDS Church does not hold space for grief and sorrow in ways that I’ve needed. Certainly I’ve known LDS individuals who will sit with me in grief, but at church there was intense social pressure to have a smiling Sunday face and to talk about even my greatest trials as blessings. But Mary doesn’t require my forced smile.

My friend spoke of God’s greatest gifts to the world—the first being Jesus Christ, the second being His Mother. On the cross, Jesus turns to His disciple and says, “Behold thy mother. And from that hour, the disciple took her as his own” (John 19:27). The idea is that as disciples of Jesus Christ, we can all behold the Blessed Mother and take her as our own.

Seven Sorrows Rosary

So one evening in July, I found myself on Etsy ordering a rosary of Our Lady of Sorrows and a card that explained the Seven Sorrows of Mary. I do not pray the rosary—quite frankly, I don’t even know how—but I’ve held the rosary and read the scriptures about Mary’s sorrows as a source of meditation and study.

The Seven Sorrows of Mary are:

The prophecy of Simeon (Luke 2:34-35)The flight into Egypt (Matthew 2:13-14)The loss of the Child Jesus in the temple. (Luke 2:43-45)The meeting of Jesus and Mary on the Way of the Cross (Luke 23:27)The Crucifixion of Jesus (John 19:25-27)The taking down of the Body of Jesus from the Cross (John 19:38)The burial of Jesus (Mark 15:46-47)

Though I’d read Luke 2 dozens of times in my life, reading it again while focusing on Simeon’s prophesy about Mary made it feel entirely new.

Luke 2:34 And Simeon blessed them, and said unto Mary his mother, Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising again of many in Israel; and for a sign which shall be spoken against; 35 (Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.

What would Mary have felt in hearing these words about her son? What is the sword that pierces her soul? Is it grief? And how does Mary’s grief help reveal the hearts of many? What is revealed in my own heart as I consider Mary’s experiences? I don’t recall ever discussing these verses in LDS scripture study settings. Reading the verses of the Seven Sorrows of Mary has breathed new life and energy into my engagement with scripture.

This seeking has helped me realize the depths of my ignorance about the Roman Catholic veneration of Mary. There were likely many factors that kept me from studying more, but the core reasons were probably the biases instilled in me by the same teachings from male LDS leaders that had stopped me from seeking Heavenly Mother, and the healthy doses of anti-Catholicism that made its way into Sunday school discussions. Mary, the Holy Mother, is not a theological equivalent to the LDS Heavenly Mother as I understand Her. But my tradition claims a belief in a Heavenly Mother and then attempts to deny access to Her in almost every way. I know so little of the long and rich Marian tradition within Catholicism, or in the other traditions that also honor or venerate Mary, but I am fascinated that Mary can be an active and integral part of daily religious life for millions across the world.

I’ve loved and been moved by books and blog posts that help me consider an earthy Mary who experiences the grittiness of human motherhood. I’m glad to have those interpretations. I have also enjoyed learning about a very different Mary—one who was full of the grace of God from her own conception until her assumption into Heaven.

I barely know this Mary. I’m excited to learn more about her in material practice, theology, and debate, including what Catholic feminists have to say. Perhaps in a future year when I’m not concerned about daytime childcare or an ongoing pandemic, I will attend mass on September 15 and observe how Mary is honored on that day. Tomorrow, however, I will take a few minutes to read some scriptures about Mary and contemplate her sorrows. 

Please share in the comments – what has Mary meant to you? Has she been a part of your gospel study? What resources about Mary are your favorite?

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 102-105: “After Much Tribulation … Cometh the Blessing”

Conflict in Missouri

The Jackson County lands near Independence, Missouri that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (commonly referred to as Mormons at the time) and other white Missourians were fighting over in 1834, when the events discussed in this lesson took place, had belonged to the Kaw and Osage peoples until 1825, only eight years earlier.  The influx of white settlers and members of other tribes who moved into the area after being displaced from their homelands further East had strained the resources of the Kaw and Osage and introduced new sources of conflict and violence. Under these circumstances, these native peoples were compelled to sign a treaty ceding all of their lands and moving out of the state of Missouri, in exchange for a relatively small amount of monetary compensation, reservations away from their homelands and promises of agricultural and educational resources. See Native History: Osage Forced to Abandon Lands in Missouri and Arkansas and The Kaw Nation: Cultural History Part 2.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints started moving to Jackson County, Missouri, near the city of Independence, in 1831, after Joseph Smith received a revelation designating the area as Zion (D&C 57).

A July [1833] article in the Latter-day Saint newspaper The Evening and the Morning Star stoked Missourians’ fears about abolitionism. The editorial discussed the legal obstacles relating to the migration of free black converts to Missouri, a slave state. Many locals felt the editorial—and, by extension, the Church—intended to encourage these migrations. On July 20, a group of vigilantes demanded that the Saints leave Jackson County, and when Church leaders refused, the vigilantes attacked the Church’s printing office, throwing the press out the window, scattering the type in the street, and tearing down the walls of the printing office. Some then tarred and feathered Edward Partridge, bishop of the Church in Missouri, and Charles Allen, another Church member, on the public square. The vigilantes dispersed after extracting an agreement from Church leaders that half of the Saints would vacate the county by January 1, 1834, and the rest by April 1. … On October 20, 1833, they publicly announced that the Saints would stay in the county. This immediately set the vigilantes in motion, and on October 31, 1833, violence resumed. For the next several days, vigilantes attacked Church settlements in Jackson County. On November 4, Missouri vigilantes attacked the homes of Latter-day Saints near the Big Blue River. In the skirmish that followed, two non-Mormons and one Church member were killed; several other individuals on both sides were wounded. The following day, Colonel Thomas Pitcher called out the local militia to restore order, but the militia instead forced nearly 150 Church members to surrender their weapons, after which the militia imprisoned several Mormon men. Church members—men, women, and children—began fleeing the county that same day, most of them crossing the Missouri River into Clay County.
—Church History Topics: Jackson County Violence

What patterns do you see in this history?Do we continue to see the same patterns in the world today?How can we work toward a better world?Zion’s Camp

Joseph Smith communicated with Missouri Governor Daniel Dunklin about the situation. The governor told Smith that reclaiming lands for the Mormons would only be possible with a large influx of volunteers for the militia. (Was the governor actually offering to help the Mormons if they would provide more volunteers, as Joseph Smith interpreted the conversation? Or was the governor just making an excuse for not helping? “Golly, gee, I’d love to help, but the militia is understaffed. Darn it. Good luck with that.” Your call.)

Watch Joseph Smith Papers Television Documentary Episode 29-Zions Camp  from Time Stamp 2:02 to Time Stamp 3:27 for more on Joseph Smith’s communication with Governor Dunklin.

After receiving this communication, Joseph Smith announced the revelation which is now D&C:103 and began recruiting volunteers to assist the Missouri militia to reclaim the homes of displaced Missouri church members..

Therefore let my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., say unto the strength of my house, my young men and the middle aged—Gather yourselves together unto the land of Zion, upon the land which I have bought with money that has been consecrated unto me…

Therefore, if you cannot obtain five hundred, seek diligently that peradventure you may obtain three hundred.

And if ye cannot obtain three hundred, seek diligently that peradventure ye may obtain one hundred.

But verily I say unto you, a commandment I give unto you, that ye shall not go up unto the land of Zion until you have obtained a hundred of the strength of my house, to go up with you unto the land of Zion.
D&C 103:22, 32-34

The Lord warned them that this mission would entail “much tribulation.”

For after amuch tribulation, as I have said unto you in a former commandment, cometh the blessing.
D&C 103:12

That “former commandment” was D&C 58:4, given in Jackson County Missouri on August 1, 1831, shortly after Mormons began settling there.

For after much atribulation come the bblessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be ccrowned with much dglory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
D&C 58:4

Have you had an experience where blessings came only after “much tribulation”?How can we maintain hope while we are experiencing tribulation?

The Lord warned that their mission would only be successful under certain circumstances:

But verily I say unto you, that I have decreed a decree which my people shall arealize, inasmuch as they hearken from this very hour unto the bcounsel which I, the Lord their God, shall give unto them.

Behold they shall, for I have decreed it, begin to aprevail against mine benemies from this very hour

But inasmuch as they akeep not my commandments, and hearken not to observe all my words, the kingdoms of the world shall prevail against them.

For they were set to be a alight unto the world, and to be the bsaviors of men;

And inasmuch as they are not the saviors of men, they are as asalt that has lost its savor, and is thenceforth good for nothing but to be cast out and trodden under foot of men.
D&C 103:5-10

All victory and glory is brought to pass unto you through your adiligence, faithfulness, and bprayers of faith.
D&C 103: 36

What were the conditions Zion’s Camp would need to follow to have success, according to these verses?What principles in these verses could help us during our own life challenges?

The Lord also made a promise to them:

But I say unto you: Mine aangels shall go up before you, and also my bpresence, and in time ye shall cpossess the goodly land.
D&C 103:20

How close did the church come to the goal of 500 recruits?

With recruits gathered along the way, the expedition—known at the time as the Camp of Israel and later called Zion’s Camp—eventually numbered about 205 men and approximately 25 women and children.9
—Matthew C. Godfrey, “The Acceptable Offering of Zion’s Camp” Revelations in Context, 213–18

In this video, Sister Megan Whatcott discusses Nancy Holbrook, one of the female recruits of Zion’s Camp.

Nancy Holbrook Marches with Zion’s Camp

 

Elder Bednar taught that all of us will experience a metaphorical Zion’s Camp.

At some point in each of our lives, we will be invited to march in our own Zion’s Camp. The timing of the invitations will vary, and the particular obstacles we may encounter on the journey will be different. But our ongoing and consistent response to this inevitable call ultimately will provide the answer to the question ‘Who’s on the Lord’s side?’
—Elder David A. Bednar, On the Lord’s Side: Lessons from Zion’s Camp, Ensign, July 2017

Would anyone like to share an experience when you have felt like you were experiencing a personal “Zion’s Camp”?Miraculous Intervention at Fishing River

 Missourians prepared a counter-attack against Zion’s Camp but the battle did not transpire. Zion’s Camp recruit Nathan Baldwin described what happened this way:

Little Fishing River, Missouri

On June 19, Nathan remembered, the group “encamped on an eminence between two forks of Fishing River, near a Baptist meeting house, built of hewn logs.”17 As the party prepared the camp for the evening, “several armed men” approached and told the group they would “see hell before morning.” A large group of men—Nathan remembered it as 1,600, but others placed it around 500—waited to attack the camp when the sun had set.18 No sooner had this threat been made, Nathan recalled, than “a small black cloud appeared in the west and increased in size until shortly the whole blue arch was draped in black, presenting a vengeful appearance, while the rain descended in torrents, the winds bellowed and such vivid flashes of lightning and such peals of thunder are seldom seen and heard.”19 Hail fell as well, some “as big as tumblers,” breaking off tree limbs and splintering fence rails. The great storm caused the river to become “wonderfully swollen, so that [they] could not advance, neither could [their] enemies reach [them] if they had a mind so to do.”

Nathan and other members of the camp perceived the storm as evidence of God’s protection, as it prevented the group of men from attacking the camp. “The Lord had previously said He would fight the battles of His saints,” Nathan stated, “and it seemed as though the mandate had gone forth from His presence, to ply the artillery of Heaven in defense of His servants.”20
—Matthew C. Godfrey, “The Acceptable Offering of Zion’s Camp” Revelations in Context, 213–18

The words of the Lord that Nathan Baldwin remembered are found in D&C 98:37. This revelation was given on August 6, 1833, shortly after the first act of violence against Mormons in Missouri, when Missourians attacked Mormons Edward Partridge and Charles Allen and destroyed the Church’s printing press.

And I, the Lord, would afight their battles, and their children’s battles, and their children’s children’s, until they had avenged themselves on all their enemies, to the third and fourth generation.
D&C 98:37

In what ways does the Lord fight our battles today?How do we know when we should step aside and let the Lord fight the battle?Peaceful Resolution

Two days after the storm, a group of men representing Ray and Clay Counties entered the camp and told Joseph Smith that the camp’s approach had enraged the majority of western Missourians. Indeed, some newspapers reported that a large contingent of men had gathered in Jackson County, ready to shed blood, in case the camp crossed the Missouri River. The representatives from Ray and Clay Counties told the camp “what course would be policy for [the camp] to pursue in order to secure” the “favor and protection” of western Missourians.21 Joseph Smith also learned that Missouri governor Daniel Dunklin did not wish to call out the state militia at that time, meaning that there would be no militia guard to accompany the Saints back to their Jackson County lands.22

On June 22, Joseph held a council “to determine what steps” the camp should take.23 During the council, he dictated what is now Doctrine and Covenants 105—a revelation that, according to camp participant Joseph Holbrook [Nancy Holbrook’s husband], “show[ed] the mind of God concerning the redemption of Zion.”24
—Matthew C. Godfrey, “The Acceptable Offering of Zion’s Camp” Revelations in Context, 213–18

The Lord told them to disband Zion’s Camp:

Therefore it is expedient in me that mine elders should wait for a little season, for the redemption of Zion.

For behold, I do not require at their hands to fight the battles of Zion; for, as I said in a former commandment, even so will I fulfil—I will afight your battles.
D&C  105:13-14

Although they had not joined the militia as intended, the Lord told them they had done enough:

I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a atrial of their bfaith.
D&C 105:19

What is a trial of faith?How was Zion’s Camp a trial of faith?What kinds of trials of faith do we experience today?

Watch Joseph Smith Papers Television Documentary Episode 29-Zions Camp  from Time Stamp 13:56 to Time Stamp 19:18 to learn more about how the crisis was resolved and the resulting peace treaty.

Here is what future church president Wilford Woodruff said later about his experience at Zion’s Camp.

When the members of Zion’s Camp were called many of us had never beheld each others’ faces; we were strangers to each other and many had never seen the prophet. We had been scattered abroad, like corn sifted in a sieve, throughout the nation. We were young men, and were called upon in that early day to go up and redeem Zion, and what we had to do we had to do by faith. We assembled together from the various states at Kirtland and went up to redeem Zion, in fulfillment of the commandment of God unto us. God accepted our works as He did the works of Abraham. We accomplished a great deal, though apostates and unbelievers many times asked the question ‘what have you done?’ We gained an experience that we never could have gained [in] any other way. We had the privilege of beholding the face of the prophet, and we had the privilege of traveling a thousand miles with him, and seeing the workings of the spirit of God with him, and the revelations of Jesus Christ unto him and the fulfillment of those revelations. And he gathered some two hundred elders from throughout the nation in that early day and sent us broadcast into the world to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. Had I not gone up with Zion’s Camp I should not have been here today [in Salt Lake City, serving in the Quorum of the Twelve]. … By going there we were thrust into the vineyard to preach the gospel, and the Lord accepted our labors. And in all our labors and persecutions, with our lives often at stake, we have had to work and live by faith.4 The experience [we] obtained in traveling in Zion’s Camp was of more worth than gold.5
—Wilford Woodruff

What impresses you about his attitude?What can we learn from his example?Sue for Peace

In the final verses of D&C 105, the Lord commands church members to seek peace.

And again I say unto you, sue for apeace, not only to the people that have smitten you, but also to all people;

And lift up an aensign of bpeace, and make a proclamation of peace unto the ends of the earth;

And make proposals for peace unto those who have smitten you, according to the voice of the Spirit which is in you, and aall things shall work together for your good.

Therefore, be faithful; and behold, and lo, aI am with you even unto the end. Even so. Amen.
D&C 105:38-41

This commandment was particularly challenging because of the pervasiveness of violence in the culture of frontier America, and more specifically, the aggressiveness of their Missouri neighbors toward them.

It is extremely difficult for most of us today to comprehend the violence that was pervasive, often normative, in early American culture. Much of this normative violence reflected the national society, while regions (such as the South and the West) had their own traditions of sanctioned violence in daily life. Early Americans had perspectives about violence that were very different even from those of us who have served in the military or lived in war-torn societies because nearly all of us grew up in peaceful environments where violence was a disapproved violation of social norms….

…An 1806 decision by a Massachusetts court, [ruled] that one was legally justified in standing one’s ground to kill in self-defense. This resulted in America’s “proud new tolerance for killing in situations where it might have been avoided by obeying a legal duty to retreat.” During the same period, American norms were changing concerning violence by boys and teenagers. E. Anthony Rotundo observes: “Early in the late 1800s, men and women had seen youthful brawls as a badge of evil and a sign that manly self-control was not yet developed. However, during a decades-long transition, “bourgeois Northerners did more than endorse interpersonal violence: they now believed that fighting helped to build youthful character.”
—D. Micheal Quinn, National Culture, Personality, and Theocracy in the Early Mormon Culture of Violence, The John Whitmer Historical Journal, 2002

Do any of these cultural tendencies toward violence continue?What can we do to be “an ensign of peace” in our modern society?How can we make “proposals for peace” when others treat us unkindly or unfairly?

Unfortunately, the peace attained by this treaty was only temporary. Dr. Quinn noted that although Mormons had reacted as passivists to initial attacks by Missourians, in the years following Zion’s Camp, Mormons  more often retaliated with violence. Four years after Zion’s Camp, the Mormon-Missouri War of 1838, including Governor Lillborn Bogg’s extermination order on October 27, 1838 and the Hawn’s Mill massacre on October 30, 1838, resulted in the forced exodus of church members from Missouri. While nothing justifies the extermination order or the massacre, Mormons contributed to and escalated this conflict, particularly the large number of them that joined a vigilante society called the Danites. Mormons raided two non-Mormon towns, Millport and Gallatin, burning homes and stealing goods on October 18, 1838 and attacked the Missouri militia at the Battle of Crooked River on October 25, 1838, killing one man and torturing another. (Two Mormons were also killed by the militia.) (See Church History: Danites and Church History: Mormon-Missouri War of 1838 and Leland H. Gentry, The Danite Band of 1838, BYU Studies, 1974 and D. Micheal Quinn, National Culture, Personality, and Theocracy in the Early Mormon Culture of Violence, The John Whitmer Historical Journal, 2002 )

In D&C 105, the Lord informed church members that their own transgressions precluded the redemption of Zion.

Behold, I say unto you, were it not for the atransgressions of my people, speaking concerning the church and not individuals, they might have been redeemed even now.

But behold, they have not learned to be obedient to the things which I required at their hands, but are full of all manner of evil, and do not aimpart of their substance, as becometh saints, to the poor and afflicted among them;

And are not aunited according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom;

And aZion cannot be built up bunless it is by the cprinciples of the dlaw of the celestial kingdom; otherwise I cannot receive her unto myself.

And my people must needs be achastened until they learn bobedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they csuffer.
D&C 105:2-6

Therefore, in consequence of the atransgressions of my people, it is expedient in me that mine elders should wait for a little season for the bredemption of Zion—

That they themselves may be prepared, and that my people may be ataught more perfectly, and have experience, and know more perfectly concerning their bduty, and the things which I require at their hands.

And this cannot be brought to pass until mine aelders are bendowed with power from on high.

For behold, I have prepared a great endowment and blessing to be apoured out upon them, inasmuch as they are faithful and continue in humility before me.
D&C 105:9-12

According to these verses, why wasn’t Zion redeemed?What did church members need to do to better prepare for redemption?What principals can we learn that can help us establish Zion today?

20 years ago – 9/11

TOPIC WARNING – This post discusses suicide and suicide prevention. Please do not read if you are not in a place to read about this topic. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255.

 

Some thoughts at 20 years…

This morning I led QPR Suicide Prevention training for Affirmation International Conference. This year, the conference is all held online, so I was able to have people in the training attending from all over the world.

Each time I lead this training, I introduce the subject by asking people to consider a different way of thinking about suicide. Many people might think that anyone who considers suicide is wanting to die. This is hard for many to understand how to help a person who is considering suicide, because wanting to die goes against basic human nature and survival instinct. I talk about how avoiding pain is also part of human nature and survival instinct. When someone experiences pain – intense pain – and they can’t find a way to get away from it or end it, sometimes the only solution they can see for escaping the pain is to end their life. When they feel trapped, hopeless and helpless about escaping the pain, they might look for any way to end it.

394261 14: A fiery blasts rocks the World Trade Center after being hit by two planes September 11, 2001 in New York City. (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

When I am covering this part of the training, I show this image of the Twin Towers on 9/11, right after the second plane hit. It is a stark illustration for this discussion about how suicide is not about wanting to end your life, it is about wanting to end pain. The people who were trapped in the floors above the explosions had to have been in unimaginable pain. These were people who got up that morning with no plans to die. They had loved ones, and jobs, and futures they were looking forward to. Then only moments later, they were trapped and unable to escape the intense flames. I can only imagine how hard they tried to get down through the building. Shortly after the planes hit, there were people jumping from those upper floors. Some jumped with another person, holding hands as they fell. Technically, they died of suicide. I doubt any wanted to die. Consider this – it takes 20 minutes in flames to burn to death. It took seconds to reach the ground once they jumped. They chose to do this to end the pain. In the training, I ask people to consider that suicide is not about wanting to die, it is about ending the pain.

As humans, we all know what it is like to be in pain. I hope we all know the difference it makes to feel support and connection with others when we are in pain, how it makes a difference in being able to endure pain when we do not feel isolated, when we belong or feel included in our communities. If we are getting help to see that there are ways to work through and get away from unbearable pain, there is not such a desperate need to escape by dying. I can’t help but remember the image of people clutching each other’s hands as they jumped. Even in the horrifying moment, there was this need to not be alone.

I have been leading this training for over three years, to at least 180 different groups, and I have never presented it on September 11. I considered how to adapt presenting this picture on this day, exactly, almost to the minute, 20 years from when it was taken. There are many feelings, still raw for me and countless others, about any memory of that day. I hoped to be sensitive to that, while still fulfilling the purpose of the training.

And yet, the moment I put this picture up on the screen, I was overcome, and I couldn’t speak.

It was only for a few seconds, but all the horror of that time came back. The unthinkable had happened only a few weeks before. My father had died. I had not slept more than a few moments at a time since his death. I could not imagine this world, my life, without the presence of Dad. Now, another unthinkable event had occurred. I had always been appalled at the way we, as a society, a people, a country, a community, could find ways to justify war. Dad had been a person who made space for me to wrestle with this, looking at the humanity behind the weapons, the tendency to defend our own violent actions, while condemning and attacking anyone who didn’t agree or conform. I have a shirt from 2001. It says “War does not show who is right. Only who is left.” This is when I began to see that WAR is a three letter acronym for We Are Right. We, as a country have long justified devoting vast resources and countless lives to fight long wars that come down to somehow proving we are right, and we will destroy those who are wrong.

I had not realized how I had wrestled, and marched, and rallied, and protested, and spoken up about this from a place of privilege, a country whose mainland had never been attacked from foreign enemies on native soil. That privilege ended 20 years ago.

19 men flew planes into buildings, and into the ground, to prove they were right, and to destroy those they saw as wrong.

So much changed. Unfortunately, we have not learned from it.

We keep attacking and killing each other off, to prove we are right and they are wrong.

We storm sacred buildings, and erect gallows to remove those who don’t agree with us.

We pass laws to criminalize and control people who have different experiences, ideas, beliefs, appearances, heritage, and options than we do.

We speak at pulpits, or go online, pulling out any reference from dogma, or platitudes, or any narrow view of what we think a correct life is supposed to, and we insist it is not just true, but that it is the only truth. And we cling to that rhetoric to justify our being right about truth, even when there are bodies left in our wake.

We attack those who have not perfectly lived up to our expectations. We are quick to develop and use weapons – both real and virtual – to destroy anyone who does not agree, accept, and perfectly respond in every way to our own journey. We use any means to be sure that anyone who might have caused us pain, will have to suffer more and longer, because we are right, and they are wrong.

We make up lies, or we readily believe lies that justify our firmly held opinions, rather than consider that science, or history, or facts, or even someone’s faith or insight, might challenge our paradigm or confront us, and ask us to leave a comfortable state of being right, and possibly a need to change our mind, or receive further light and knowledge. Like those who flew the planes, we will go down in flames before we will consider that there might be a different way to see the world, to see our fellow beings.

I couldn’t help but wonder back then, and often since then, what would Dad have done? What would his struggle have been, to carry his thoughts, his writings to a new level of experiencing, feeling with, seeking further light and knowledge, in the aftermath of this devastation.

That day, I tried to imagine what he might have been doing in those moments when so many were leaving this life, only weeks after he had left this life. In whatever state of presence, of existence, I imagine he would have been there to invite and comfort those who were so violently torn away.

Here is another difficult part for me. I know my father was not perfect. I saw him struggle to be the person he said he wanted to be, to follow the most profound and confronting teachings of Christ, to love, and forgive, and repent, and have mercy, even when it was hard, even when there was no guarantee it would make any difference. He often failed. And I saw him try again. While he did not encourage anyone to justify or allow abuse, I saw him go to those who sought to hurt and destroy him. I saw him seek to learn and to share. I saw him try to consider anything that could create connection, even with his enemies, even for a moment, in the hope that there could be a transformation away from being enemies, away from being at war.

It is still difficult for me, but I can’t help but wonder if Dad was also there to greet some of those who hijacked the planes. Did he sit with them and try to understand? Was he there when they possible saw something different from what they expected? Was there any transformation, because there were some, like my dad, who were creating space for it?

It may have been similar to what is described in one of the last scenes in C.S. Lewis’ “The Last Battle”. The world is ending in a last battle which was created from greed, lies and conspiracies which destroy everything. All leave the world through the door into a dark stable. Those who have eyes to see find themselves in paradise, in the presence of overwhelming love, in the presence of God. Those who will not see are sure they are in a dark, manure filled stable, and they will not be moved. They will not let go of insisting they are right.

As horrifying as it is to consider having mercy on such destruction on 9/11, God invites me to have room for transformation from such deadly fear, into remorse and healing for all. I want to think that Dad was part of that, for anyone who would see.

20 years ago, that was a day of such loss, there are no words to describe it. We hear about the total numbers. And total numbers continue since then. This many killed and injured in this shooting, this battle, this riot, this war, this pandemic, this school, this hospital, this famine. There are so many, I can’t comprehend it.

Not long after September 11, 2001, I was reading an account of a man who was trying to figure out how to tell his young son that his mother had died when the towers collapsed. It took him days, and the moment he finally told his son was heart wrenching. Life would never be the same. I wept as I read this, even as I wept when I was reading or seeing anything at the time. Each account had me reliving the moment my father died.

Nothing would ever be what it was.

The vast numbers seemed a way to shield us from the raw and real experience of that young boy, learning his mother would never be there again.

I began to see that, while total numbers matter, and it is important for us to be aware – I needed to always think of each one. What did this do to this one young boy? What did this do to each child who lost a parent, each parent who lost a child?

When there is war, battle, rhetoric and dogma, bullying, destructive laws, hopelessness, shootings, riots, planes flying into buildings, it is not 52, or 600, or 3200, or 125,000 people who die. It is not dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of people who lost a loved one.

It is one person who died – hundreds, thousands, millions of times.

I need to see, hear, listen to, sit with, mourn with, forgive, repent, have mercy, learn from, be one with – one person. Again and again and again.

It is the only way to make sure things are never the same as that day. Ever again.

Book Review: 350 Questions Parents Should Ask During Family Night

In March 2020, I was in a mad rush to leave the United States and return home before the boarders closed. I was privileged to be able to visit the US after a length of time, and thus had taken advantage of “excess baggage costs less than postage” by shoving my suitcase with packets of ranch dressing, Halloween supplies (American ebay), and books. Ya know– all the cool stuff I can’t get at home.  One of the book I snatched was this one, 350 Questions Parents Should Ask During Family Night by Shannon Alder.

 

I am not familiar with Alder’s previous works, but this book looked interesting enough and made it into the suitcase. Where it stayed for the first 12 months of the pandemic as my family and I navigated … everything. This is my way of saying that this is not a new book. It’s been out for a while. And it is VERY Americana. It has all the US stats, and includes 911 as THE emergency number (112 is the designated global emergency number). That being said, I really liked this book.

 

My tween was the one who pulled it out and began reading. It is a VERY easy book to read, reflecting a series of very short personal stories, emergency statistics, and … questions. The book has four chapters, better described as sections. These sections are (in summary): Peer Pressure & Safety, Personal Boundaries, Emotional Health, and Social Health.  Each chapter starts with something along the lines of “What (emergency room doctors / police officers, etc) want you to know.” What follows these headings are a few hundred words that address the statement, then a framed section titled “Did you know.” This sections includes a series of (American statistical) statements, such as “The first use of alcohol typically begins around the age of thirteen; marijuana around fourteen.” (page 8)   The statements might be confronting  to some, but I found them to be empowering and helped to position me better as a parent to grow with my children in discussing what they are facing at their ages.

 

The questions follow, are are divided into two sections, “questions for young children,” and “questions for older children.” The questions for younger children are sometimes simple, and other are more complicated. One of the more complicated ones was, “You’re on your bike and a stranger tires to pull you off of it and drag you into a wooded area. What do you do?” (page 19). Yes, it is a terrifying and thankfully very rare situation to consider, but as we discussed this as a family, we felt a new confidence in creating a plan of action in case something like this was ever to happen.

 

The questions for older children range from addressing bullying, what to do to prevent sexual assault, and more. For example, “Sarah tells Mark she is pregnant and wants to get an abortion. She refuses to tell her parents and swears Mark to secrecy. Mark doesn’t know what to do. What should they both do in this situation?”(page 82) . Certainly this is not a questions to be discussed in the presence of young children, but I was very grateful for the introduction of this topic within our family so we could address the situation with love, addressing the values we hold as family, and embracing mental, physical and emotional health. Better still, each family might have a different ideology in which to address some of the more complicated topics, such as abortion. The book itself does not lean toward judgement, and allows each family to discuss and resolve as fits within their dogma.

 

In my family, we decided to read and discuss a few questions each night at dinner. Sure, I had the snarky child who said they would do everything wrong, and I had the child who was really surprised that I might know that they had already been exposed to alcohol at friends’ houses (Duh!).  Even though many of the topics are very serious, we laughed and had healthy discussions — sometimes even creating enactments and practicing what we think we might do in these different situations. The book is described as a “spiritual” protectant, and perhaps it is, but  I found that the way in which the author addresses abortion, rape, addiction, positive mental health and even social kindness to be without judgement or agenda.

 

I think some conservative LDS families may find this book more confronting that what they would like to believe their children and teens may experience. But as for me and my house, I was very thankful for this and the healthy, mindful and important discussions that resulted from reading this together. This is a great book for addressing the kinds of things that children and teens face now, and I am glad it made it into my suitcase. At less than $10 for a hard copy ($9.89 on Amazon), and less than $5 on Kindle ($4.99), this is an inexpensive investment in your family.

 

 

The Extraordinary Value of a Hawk Moth

I love moths, their fluttery petal wings tap-tap-tapping against the screen door or sneaking inside the hole I always mean to repair. I love how they often go unnoticed, overshadowed by the garishness of their day-time cousins. I picture them going about their business, happy to have the peace of a starlight night.

Not everyone appreciates moths.  Indeed, some cultures, like my Celtic ancestors, believe them to be an omen of death. Hawk moths especially are vilified, their large size and tanker-like midsections causing many to feel bile rise up in their throat. Edgar Allan Poe wrote about one in The Sphinx, calling it “some living monster of hideous conformation” that portends his own death, mania, or both. Dracula’s Renfield eats Death’s Head Hawk moths, believing he can ingest their life force.  Buffalo Bill, in Silence of the Lambs, stuffs Death’s Head hawk moths into his victims’ throats. On a lighter, less nightmare-inducing note, the antagonist in one of my favorite shows, Miraculous, is named Hawk Moth.

In spite of pop culture’s misappropriation of them, the world is a better place for having hawk moths. They don’t pollinate food crops, which makes them less poster-worthy than bees. Instead, their work on hard-to-reach plants like the rare star orchid in Madagascar. When Darwin predicted hawk moths would be the ones to pollinate the long nectar spurs found in the star orchid, he was ridiculed. But he was right. Smithsonian called hawk moths “the underdogs of the pollinator world,” a title I feel they would appreciate. 

This year, while passing the sage that lines my garden path, I looked down to see what I thought, at first, was an errant leaf, missed in our Autumnal cleanup. But settling in, I saw the hint of antennae, fragile legs clinging to swaying leaf. Ah. A hawk moth. Mottled brown camouflage almost hid it from my view. They have no movie-worthy defenses, these giant pollinators. They squeak when provoked, and have small thorns on their legs that may scratch you a bit if you’re lucky enough to have one crawl along your arm. Not wanting to disturb it, I was content to watch it. After all, I thought, the moth was likely resting on its way to distant plants, and I could easily provide it a safe haven for an hour or two.

I sat for 5 minutes, 10, 15. I called my children to look, texted a couple of friends, almost went across the street to share with my neighbors, “Look! A Sphinx moth! Do you see, the brown that looks like broken-through pieces of dried leaf? It’s holding so still. I could have missed it…” But I recognize that those of us who feel blessed to see a hawk moth are a rare group, and I don’t want to traumatize my neighbors or risk damaging the moth. Best to enjoy this bit of nature with those who can’t ignore me when I over-enthuse, like my children.

 Some imperiled plants need sturdy-bodied pollinators that can fly over oceans, a feat not many proboscis-sporting fliers can accomplish. The endangered Puerto Rican high chumbo cactus, for example, lives on only three small islands and hawk moths act as their link to each other and to the future. If hawk moths disappear, so will they. Aerial applications of pesticides have reduced hawk moth populations and consequently more plants are entering the endangered or imperiled list, like Egger’s century plant, a species of agave.  I imagine most of us don’t even notice their disappearance, at least not at first. Still. Our lack of care in no way negates the value of their contributions.

Just as our culture has demonized hawk moths without understanding them, sometimes it vilifies people, especially church culture. Oh, we say the right words. We smile and express love while insist on unsupportable rules that affect different people differently. We throw out terms like ‘inclusion’ and ‘children of God’ but it’s a pale version of inclusion. We mean that everyone is welcome–as long as they change who they are to fit our preconceived notion of Godliness, which happens to mirror social norms that work for us. We allow everyone to speak their truth, as long as that truth doesn’t make us uncomfortable. We might feel sorrow at their pain, but it isn’t a Godly sorrow. Instead, we refuse to do the things that would alleviate their suffering. We may even throw out some well-meaning but empty platitudes while we shake our heads and blame God for their trauma. We ignore the impact of our words and policies. Simultaneously, we force valuable members out of our circles, draining our wards of life-giving diversity. 

I believe God created all of our uniqueness and said, “It is good.” I believe the ‘good’ applied to each of us–hawk moths and Datura and butterflies and orchids. I believe that our narrow view of what inclusion looks like diminishes our own potential joy. At its most extreme, it destroys some of God’s most beautiful plants. Just as nature needs diversity, without full inclusion of every member our wards, too, stagnate and grow fetid, reduced in beauty and desirability. We need to embrace the glory that is God’s creativity, throw open our doors and our hearts. Because who knows? One of the people we ‘other’ could, if given the chance, be the pollinator that saves us from our own destruction. 

Maybe the hawk moth needed a safe place to rest, a place where she could recover from her weary work.

NZ Introduces Conversion Practices Prohibition Bill

New Zealand has introduced a bill aimed at stopping “conversion practices”; i.e. forcing individuals into programs and practices that “seek to change or supress a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.”  This bill would make it an offence for a person to perform conversion practices on another individual, but in cases where anyone tried to force another to no longer be gay, trans, or any part of the LGBT spectrum, offenders will face prison for up to five years.

 

New Zealand citizens are encouraged to voice your approval and support of this bill!

(shout out to FoMo and PM, Jacinda Ardern) OY! Pai te mahi!! Noho kaha!!!

 

NZ Government official information (easy to read)!

More info from the Guardian

Local NZ news regarding some confusion regarding the bill

 

 

 

Because They Were of One Heart and One Mind

The Levite in the Parable of the Good Samaritan

This post is adapted from a talk shared in my ward’s hybrid In-Person Sacrament Meeting/Online Devotional.

The bible teaches us that in the early Christian church, the disciples were “of one heart and one mind”. They shared their possessions and had everything in common. There were no poor. To me, this sounds idyllic. I want to know more about it. I want to know how things were organized. I want to know their process for making decisions. I want to know how it all worked. I find the idea that the disciples were of one heart and one mind particularly remarkable because the early converts to Christianity were from all over the Mediterranean region. They had different backgrounds, different cultures, even different languages. Remember the story of the Day of Pentecost, from the book of Acts? Jews from many nations were gathered together, but each person heard the others in their own native language. The unity that they felt from being able to understand one another must have been amazing. Thousands of people were baptized that day.

As I read that story, I thought about how much dis-unity there is in the world. I thought about how right now in the U.S. we are experiencing growing political polarization. I thought about how it can be very hard for people on opposite sides of an issue to understand each other, even if they both speak the same language. It is imperative that we learn to listen to one another. Making sure that everyone feels “heard” is an important part of building any community. This is true whether the community is as big as a nation or as small as a family. I know that for my family, having a discussion and addressing concerns is essential to making plans that everyone can at least tolerate, if not be happy with.

As I read about the Pentecost, I also wondered about how Jesus taught them to build that type of community. The Parable of the Good Samaritan was the first thing that came to my mind, and that story will be the focus of the rest of this talk. Jesus taught that the two great commandments are 1) to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind, and 2) to love your neighbor as yourself. When the lawyer asked “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus responded with the Parable of the Good Samaritan: A man was robbed, beat up, and left to die on the side of the road. The priest and the Levite walked right by him. But the Samaritan, his enemy, stopped. He attended to the man’s wounds. He took the man to an inn, and he paid the innkeeper to take care of him. The Samaritan saw a vulnerable person in need and protected him.

There are three teachings from this story that I want to discuss:

1)    Look past the politics and love your enemy

2)    Care for the vulnerable

3)    Provide a time and place for injuries to heal.

1: Look past the politics and love your enemy

The Samaritans and the Jews did not get along. The good Samaritan helped the man anyway. He acted with compassion. He put aside hate and loved his enemy. I imagine that the beaten man’s attitude towards Samaritans might have changed after this interaction. I imagine that his thoughts would soften as he remembered the stranger who saved his life. I imagine that both men would be able to better recognize their common humanity after that experience. Loving your enemy is not an easy thing to do. But I believe it is necessary in order to heal the division and contention in this world.

2: Care for the vulnerable

Without the aid of the Samaritan, the vulnerable man would have died. The priest and the Levite walked past. They did not want the inconvenience of being ritually unclean, even if it could save a person’s life. Making the effort to protect the vulnerable man was almost certainly inconvenient for the Samaritan. He took the time to clean and bind his wounds. He transported the man to an inn. He paid money to the innkeeper to help the man and promised he would pay more later if it was needed. Putting your own convenience before someone else’s wellbeing is not loving your neighbor. Even if that person is a stranger or an enemy.

My sister has a compromised immune system. She’s on oxygen at night. It can be challenging and exhausting for her to walk up a single flight of stairs. She can’t breathe through a mask. A regular cold can be dangerous for her. When she moved to live much closer to me, I worried about her catching a cold from my children. The pandemic has actually made that particular worry much easier to deal with, because suddenly isolating and germ avoidance was normalized. Her long-term medical needs have shaped decades of our family’s life, but I’m thankful that she’s still alive. The time that she is able to spend with my kids is so precious to me. I’m glad my children have a relationship with her and are able to learn from her unique perspective on life. Relationships are what really matter.

3: Provide a time and place for injuries to heal

Unlike the man left half dead at the side of the road, most of the hurts I’ve experienced have not left visible marks on my body and have not needed medical attention. These hurts still need time and space to heal. A friend on Facebook recently posted a line of wisdom that I love:

“Ask someone about their journey without judging or conveying your opinion. Just listen and hold them wherever they are.”

I have found that talking to someone can be very healing, if that person is willing to listen with empathy and without judgement. When you see someone hurting while on the road of life, take the time to try to listen. There is power in recognizing and naming emotions. One of the most helpful things I’ve learned to do when one of my kids has a tantrum is to observe what emotion I think they are feeling. Once they know that I know they are angry or scared or frustrated or sad, it’s much easier to talk about the situation calmly. My part of the conversation often sounds something like this: You are acting like you are angry. Are you angry because…? Yes? I would be angry if that happened to me too. What did you try to do to solve the problem? Did it work? Have you thought about…? What could you do if this scenario happens? What would be a good way to use that anger in a way that is safe for everyone?

This kind of conversation is good at calming down the emotions. It helps the person feel understood. It helps the person make a plan to deal with the emotion constructively. It helps them open their mind to new behaviors. This type of conversation is exactly what we promise to do when we are baptized. When we “are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light… and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,” (Mosiah 18:8-9.) Carrying someone else’s burden is too big of a job for one person to do alone. The good Samaritan could not care for the beaten man the entire length of his recovery, but he was able to connect him to the resources he needed for healing. Even though he couldn’t do everything, his role was still critical in the man’s recovery. So often I feel like I have to do it all for everybody. I want to point out that the scripture says we need to bear one another’s burdens. This is not just taking on someone else’s burden, but also allowing others to lift your own burden. Sharing my own burdens is a vulnerable act, and that can be a hard thing to do.

I would love to be a part of a community where everyone is “of one heart and one mind”. That implies that we know and care for the vulnerable parts of each other’s hearts. Communication can be a challenging thing. Sometimes we have to learn to communicate in new ways so that we can understand each other—so that we are speaking the same language. When we know and understand each other, we should hold each other’s feelings carefully and consider them in our actions. Our influence should be “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;” (D&C 121:41).

We are all human and we will all make mistakes. My heart aches for so many of the things that I see about in the news. It aches at many of the interactions I see online. I don’t know how to heal all the division and contention in the world. However, I believe that a persistent effort to love your neighbor will help heal hurts, build bridges, and make a difference. When we love our neighbors (even the ones we disagree with), we are showing our love to God. As Jesus taught: “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me” (Matt 25:40).

In the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen