Exponent II's Blog, page 115

Guest Post: Heavenly Mother’s Presence

Guest post by Kaylee Petersen. As a creative and professional writer, Kaylee is forever seeking opportunities to get lost in words. She graduated in Liberal Arts and travels frequently to better understand the world, all while coming home to her family and friends at the end of the day.

When I think of the world,

I think of the weight of the Mother.

She is not like a feather

So gentle you fear She might be lost

In a soft breeze passing by.

Instead, She is grounded in the dirt,

Made of soft curves and hard edges,

With freckles from watching us play

In the tall summer grass as we grew.

Among Her wrinkles, She wears

Faded scars from a world

She has created, Her calloused hands

That held onto our broken branches

When we withered and shrunk from heavy winds,

So afraid we thought She was gone.

Yet in the silence, I feel Her,

As familiar as the heart lines on my palms.

Together, we now become whole.

She is a comforting force

Leaning against me so I know

In the warmth of Her arms

I will not walk alone.

Neither shall I––or we––

Mourn nor love nor be afraid alone.

I have known the weight

Of the Mother all my life

For She has born us in Her arms––

The weight of the world.

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

President Oaks, The Women’s Session Did Not Address Women’s Concerns

People attend the women’s session of the 192nd Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the Conference Center in Salt Lake City on Saturday, April 2, 2022.

One of the most painful parts of having concerns about women’s issues in the Church is that they are rarely, if ever, acknowledged by anyone on a general or a local level. Pretending that real issues don’t exist serves to alienate the many people who notice there are problems but feel like they’re not allowed to talk about them. Since so many women’s issues have never been mentioned from the pulpit before, you can imagine how intrigued I was when I heard President Oaks’ opening remarks to the women’s session of General Conference last Saturday:

“This Saturday evening session of General Conference will concentrate on the concerns of Latter-day Saint women. This will include the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the policies of the church that relate especially to women, and the general responsibilities and work of the organizations that include the women and girls of the church. …We honor the daughters of God in this special session by concentrating on their concerns and those of their organizations.” 

I was excited. Even if the talks were full of apologetics, at least we’d finally get an acknowledgment that concerns exist about the policies or doctrines of the Church that are specific to women. But as I listened to the talks, I grew more and more confused, then disappointed. All four of the talks that followed, three by women and one by a man, were just typical Conference talks with both insightful points and cringy parts. There were no discussions of female-specific doctrine and policy. 95% of the session content was equally as applicable to men as it was to women. [1]

I found it ironic that, during Oaks’ preamble to the meeting, he unintentionally gave a case-in-point of some of the issues that are of concern to many women. He said, “Like all sessions of General Conference, the planning of speakers and music are designated by the first presidency.” [2] He went on to say that future Saturday evening sessions could be conducted by other [female] church officers as “designated by the first presidency,” and that they had invited “some priesthood leaders who preside over the participating organizations” to the meeting. 

Even in a session of General Conference designated for women, men picked everything from the speakers to the songs. While a woman conducted the session, Oaks made sure to state that it was only because the male leaders had asked her to, and it was announced more than once that a man was presiding over the meeting. Further highlighting the lack of autonomy of these female-led organizations was the row of invited men who preside over the women’s organizations. What about the concern that women have no autonomy to run or conduct or over their own meetings? That a man is the last, longest, keynote speaker in every women’s Conference meeting (and in many local women’s meetings)? That women don’t preside over their own organization? The church organizations run by women have no autonomy, but these concerns were not addressed in the meeting.

Perhaps some may feel that the brief reference to Heavenly Mother in Elder Renlund’s talk constitutes female-specific doctrine, but I disagree. Suggesting that Heavenly Mother is only relevant to women or that only women long to know Her is equivalent to saying that Heavenly Father is only relevant to men and only men long to know Him. Elder Renlund’s reiteration of the Church’s charge to not pray to Mother God cuts off both women and men from their Mother. The only way Heavenly Mother would even be tangentially female-specific doctrine is if the Church allowed Heavenly Mother the same stewardships it allows other females, specifically that they are only permitted to hold leadership roles over other women. If that were the case, at least women would be allowed to pray to Her. But since She is fully veiled from both sexes, Her absence is equally applicable to all.

Is wanting to know more about Heavenly Mother (and the two minutes of talk addressing Her) the only concern President Oaks and church leadership think LDS women have? If so, that is extremely discouraging. LDS feminist and non-feminist identifying women alike have been outspoken for decades about their concerns with women-specific church doctrine and policy. A quick Google search would have revealed long lists of women’s concerns, or church leaders could have met with women and been open to their pain and the feedback instead of isolating themselves in echo chambers, or they could have read the 365 experiences of women highlighted in the #hearLDSwomen series. It is not hard to find the issues that women have with LDS doctrine and policy.

If they had actually wanted to address women’s concerns, church leaders could have talked about the sexist parts of the temple, leadership roulette, lack of women in the scriptures and lesson manuals and General Conference, how women aren’t ordained, the differences in opportunity between boys and girls in the church, and the infantilization of women. They could have addressed women’s absence in the creation as seen in the temple, Heavenly Mother’s absence from the godhead, the lack of knowledge about women’s place in the eternities. They could have talked about polygamy. They could have talked about husbands presiding over their wives. They could have talked about the problematic fixation on motherhood to the exclusion of all other aspects of womanhood and personhood. They could have acknowledged that some women don’t want children or don’t enjoy motherhood. They could have talked about violence against women, specifically violence committed against women by their spouses or other Church members. They could have talked about garments and how they are not appropriate for all people to wear all the time due to health concerns. They could have talked about the toxic way modesty is taught to women and girls. They could have addressed harmful chastity rhetoric.

And that list is just the things I came up with while using voice to text sitting at a traffic light.

No speaker in General Conference has ever acknowledged that many people find the temple to be a painful place, much less made mention of the sexist aspects of the ceremonies. Nor have any speakers in Conference acknowledged the unique issues women face in a patriarchal church, like having all of their leaders, both male and female, selected and released by men without women’s input, or how women are most vulnerable to ecclesiastical abuse and have no recourse when priesthood leaders exercise unrighteous dominion, or how gender roles aren’t feasible or appropriate for many people. I’ve never heard a speaker in Conference admit the glaring lack of allowances for women in church structure or in the Handbook, such as how there is currently no room for women and girls, barring witnessing, to participate in ordinances in any way, or how women are excluded due to their gender from many callings that don’t require priesthood (Sunday School presidencies, clerk positions, etc.), or addressed the glaring inequities between men and women in the church due to all males receiving priesthood and all females being barred from ordination.

I hope there actually is a meeting someday that addresses women’s many and varied concerns with church doctrine and policy. This was not that meeting, and judging by the woeful disconnect between the promise made and what was delivered, that meeting will not be coming anytime soon.

[1] President Jean Bingham did obliquely address a couple of concerns about the temple:

“After interviewing me to determine if I was worthy, my bishop explained the covenants I would make. His careful explanation gave me the chance to think about and be prepared to make those covenants.”

One major complaint about the temple is that there is no informed consent; a person receiving their endowment generally is given no advance notice as to what they will experience or covenant. While this excerpt is relating a personal experience, not giving direction to priesthood leaders, hopefully those helping others prepare to go through the temple will take this story as permission to reveal details about the ceremony and covenants.

President Bingham went on to say, “Making and keeping temple covenants is available to every worthy member of the church. Young adults, you don’t need to wait until marriage or a mission to make those sacred covenants. You can prepare as a young woman to receive the protection and strength temple covenants give as soon after the age of 18 as you are ready and feel the desire to honor those temple covenants.”

Again, she isn’t giving directives to priesthood leaders here, but given the inconsistency of priesthood leaders in allowing women who aren’t getting married or going on missions to receive their endowments, hopefully this statement reinforces the fairly recent changes that allow all members, including women, to receive their endowments when they feel ready (Handbook, 26.5.1).

[2] Pres. Oaks did call the Relief Society President by her title, “President Jean B. Bingham,” which has been a refreshing change as there was a kerfuffle a few years ago where he called her President Bingham and the written account was changed back to Sister Bingham. It’s nice to see titles for women modeled from the top.

Elder Renlund: Heavenly Mother is Not a Weapon

In recent weeks there have been reports of several LDS apostles and auxiliary leaders giving regional trainings and speaking about their concerns of  “doctrinal drift.” They’ve sought to limit what ought to be said and written publicly about Heavenly Mother. Tonight at the women’s session of general conference, Elder Renlund addressed the topic, though in perhaps softer terms than what was shared on social media from previous meetings. 

Elder Dale G. Renlund speaking at the April 2022 Women’s Session

Renlund began by talking about the Young Women’s theme, which starts with the line, “I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny.” This line was a welcome change introduced by Young Women’s General President Bonnie Cordon and her counselors in 2019 that came after years of women writing and asking for Heavenly Mother to be included (including here, here and here).

Renlund then spoke more broadly about Heavenly Mother. He said that everything we know about Her is in the gospel topics essay, “Mother in Heaven.” He cautioned against speculating about Heavenly Mother, suggesting it will not lead to greater spiritual knowledge and may lead to deception or shift our focus away from what has been revealed. He said that “demanding revelation” is “arrogant and unproductive.” He reiterated the argument that we should not pray to Heavenly Mother.

I want to address some of the concerns raised, and in doing so, I want to be as generous as I can to Elder Renlund. I want to assume good intentions, but I have a well-founded worry that his words will be weaponized by church leaders and members alike to shame, ostracize, and attempt to silence those who love, seek, and share what they believe about Heavenly Mother.

Heavenly Mother is not a weapon. Not against Elder Renlund, and not against those who seek Her. 

I was glad to hear Elder Renlund discuss the “Mother in Heaven” gospel topics essay in general conference. I’m glad more people will read the essay and learn about Her as a result. While I disagree that everything we know about Her is contained in those six short paragraphs— the essay’s references to additional sources and the BYU Studies article “A Mother There: A Survey of Historical Teachings about Mother in Heaven” would suggest otherwise—I agree that is it an important distillation of the LDS doctrine of Heavenly Mother.

In addition to stating that our belief in a Heavenly Mother is important in understanding “the nature of God, our relationship to Deity, and the godly potential of men and women,” the gospel topics essay offers other meaningful lessons. It shows us that even without a written revelation from a male prophet, Eliza R. Snow wrote what she knew through reason and revelation in her classic poem-turned-hymn, “O My Father.” From this, we learn that poetry and creative expression is a valuable and enduring way to share what we know about Her. We also learn that both revelation and our understanding of that revelation about Heavenly Mother has been written by men and women alike, including members of the first presidency and female leaders like Susa Young Gates.

And at the end of the essay, we learn from Elder Oaks that “our theology starts with heavenly parents.” Theology is the study of the nature of God and religion—it is a discipline demanding study, questions, discussion, debate, and analysis. Some theologians undergo extensive academic training, but popular theologians have always existed, engaging this work in writing, speech, and art. LDS theology begins with engaging in questions about the nature of heavenly parents. One does not have to go beyond the gospel topics essay to know that men and women alike, with or without particular offices or titles, can reveal new truths, write and share what they believe, and engage in the holy wrestle of theology.

I can sympathize with Elder Renlund’s concern with speculation and how it can lead to deception or shift our focus away from what has been revealed. I see the damage of this kind of speculation when it shows up in artistic representations of Jesus Christ that exclusively depict Him as white with seemingly European features when we know that is not the case. This kind of speculation reifies whiteness and makes God in the image of white men, contributing to institutional racism. It would worry me if creative representations of Heavenly Mother were to limit Her to one race or human culture or enforce a rigid gender binary or sexual identity based on 20th-century American understandings. Whether in art, writing, or speech, this kind of speculation could shift our focus away from a God in whom all are made in Their image and who invites all to come unto Them.

So while I understand the need for caution in speculating about the nature of God and making God in man’s image as is so often done, I look forward to seeing more creative expressions about Heavenly Mother. We have millennia of creative expression about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ—of poetry, art, music, essay, history, and scripture recording interpretations of human interactions with God. We hang these creative expressions on our walls, fill our shelves with them, and quote particularly poignant examples in general conference, like the words of John Milton and C. S. Lewis. We don’t celebrate these creative expressions because every image or every word is capital “T” Truth, but because they are beautiful and can inspire us to seek more. Creative engagement with theology creates fertile ground for revelation. Seeking out the best books and teaching one another diligently opens our minds and deepens our understanding.

Elder Renlund cautioned against “demanding revelation” as “arrogant and unproductive.” I agree that simply demanding revelation would be unproductive—Oliver Cowdery was told similarly in the Doctrine & Covenants: “You have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind, and then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.” Oliver needed to put work in. He was told also that he must “apply unto” his spiritual gift. Like the parable of the talents, we have to use and increase our spiritual gifts or we will lose what we already have.

It would be arrogant to demand someone else receive revelation on our behalf, but it is also arrogant to believe oneself to be above asking. I hope for the courage of Jacob, who wrestled an angel until he prevailed in getting the blessing he demanded. For the wisdom of Hagar who gave God a name. For the faith of Emma Smith, who asked Joseph for a blessing shortly before his death and he when he told her to write her own blessing, she did. For the trust of Joseph to believe that we can ask in faith, nothing wavering, and get an answer. And always, for the faith to believe Jesus Christ when he says that every one who asks will be given, who seeks will find, who knocks will have it open unto them. I do not believe we can leave the work of seeking God to other people.

Elder Renlund’s instructions not to pray to Heavenly Mother concern me the most because of the history of this caution bring previously shared at general conference. While the “sacred silence” around Heavenly Mother was never official doctrine, I grew up in what I have come to think of as the “unholy freeze.” I’ve learned from my friend and Heavenly Mother scholar and poet, Rachel Hunt Steenblik, that after President Gordon B. Hinckley’s 1991 talk “Daughters of God” where he said, “I regard it as inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven,” that it was twenty-four years until “Mother in Heaven” was uttered again in general conference. The freeze was thawed with Elder Holland’s talk 2015 talk “Behold Thy Mother.” So while the “sacred silence” was not doctrine, it was my experience in Primary and Young Women’s to almost never hear about Heavenly Mother. President Hinckley’s counsel not to pray to the Mother had such a ripple effect that an entire generation would pass before members of the Church could look to general conference for Heavenly Mother to even be acknowledged.

If history serves, Elder Renlund’s words, even if well-intentioned, may have a chilling effect on the open acknowledgment of Heavenly Mother in official church settings. Perhaps it will not be as extreme this time—we now have the Young Women’s theme, the gospel topics essay, and a flourishing of incredible, inspired work by poets, writers, and artists over the last decade encouraged by art contests and even at times shared by the Church or added to the shelves of Deseret Book. But I have already seen men on the internet using Elder Renlund’s words from recent trainings to shame women and call them “apostates” for writing about Heavenly Mother.

I was encouraged by Carol Lynn Pearson’s words when she recognized the significance of male leaders even acknowledging that there are people who want to pray to Heavenly Mother. The longings of those who seek the Mother are rarely acknowledged. It’s important to understand that we don’t have a record of all the words that Jesus prayed. Should our incomplete records be used to cut people off from communicating with their Mother? I take heart in Sister Sharon Eubank’s words from 2014: “nothing can separate me from my communication with [my Divine Parents]. There is no intermediary. I have the right, as their daughter, to communicate with them through prayer and revelation and the Holy Ghost. They don’t put anybody in-between.”

Heavenly Mother is not a weapon, and no one can interfere with our communication with our Heavenly Parents.

In Renlund’s cautions against seeking Heavenly Mother and instead focusing on Heavenly Father, I hear echoes of salvific coverture. This term, coined by historian Brooke LeFevre in a recent article in the Journal of Mormon History, has two main parts. “Salvific” means something that leads to salvation, and “coverture” refers to the old common law practice in which the legal existence of a married woman is suspended and consolidated into that of her husband. Thus in LeFevre’s analysis of nineteenth-century public speeches of  Brigham Young and his contemporaries, “salvific coverture” refers to “the tendency within Mormonism to believe that female salvation came through the husband to whom she was sealed, that husbands were salvifically responsible for their wife or wives, and/or that a woman could rely on her husband for salvation.”  

While Brigham Young taught, “Let our wives be the weaker vessels, and the men be men, and show the women by their superior ability that God gives husbands wisdom and ability to lead their wives into his presence,” Eliza R. Snow wasn’t having it. As Eliza traveled the Utah Territory training women in the female auxiliaries, she taught, “Remember, you have to work out your own salvation: neither father, brother, or husband can do it for you. Your eternal existence depends on how you spend your life.” The idea that women’s salvation and identity could be eternally subsumed into the existence of her husband has been preached since at least Nauvoo and has been challenged since at least the 1870s. However, I see the concept still showing up in modern LDS temple practice, and again in Renlund’s suggestion that seeking Heavenly Mother amounts to speculation with an entirely different standard than what leaders encourage in seeking Heavenly Father.

It’s is as though for male LDS leaders, the Father is God, and the Mother is subsumed in His identity and does not retain Her own identity or potential for a direct relationship with Her children. It is unlikely that Elder Renlund is conscious of the term salvific coverture or possibly even the long history of LDS leaders diminishing the eternal nature and destiny of women by subsuming their personhood to that of their husbands. But it is not enough to declare from the pulpit whether something does or does not diminish the Mother or women generally. We have to look further. When ideas of salvific coverture and the erasure of women’s personhood in the eternities is taught in the temple or in general conference, it hurts people now. It hurts marriages where husbands believe they preside rather than actually partner with their wives. It hurts women and gender minorities who see their eternal destiny as one of invisibility and silence.

When leaders caution church members against seeking the Mother, particularly in ways they do not caution them against seeking the Father, they reinforce institutional sexism. When they diminish the holy process of seeking Her as an unproductive demand that distracts members, they mock the invitation that Jesus gave to all people to knock, seek, and ask. When in regional trainings they repeatedly caution leaders against open discussion of the Mother while simultaneously claiming Mother in Heaven as essential to understanding our eternal nature and destiny, they create a system ripe for ecclesiastical abuse. It creates a culture of fear around Heavenly Mother and makes those who love and speak about Her more vulnerable to leadership roulette as local leaders take up the charge to “correct” supposed overreach in seeking God the Mother.

I hope Elder Renlund’s words won’t inspire more people to use Heavenly Mother as a weapon and enforce another generation of unholy freeze. I have to trust that he meant it when he said that Heavenly Mother is a cherished doctrine of our Church. I hope Elder Renlund and all church leaders will take more time to learn from the reason *paired* with the revelation that is moving among those who seek Her. I hope they will have the humility to learn what they do not already know. Perhaps not every essay, painting, poem, or Instagram post will endure as a beloved, eternal truth. But reaching for God and landing upon a beautiful and comforting stepping stone in the process is far better than staying in the dark.

Heavenly Mother is not a weapon. And She wants to be known.

***

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

Guest Post: When I found Her

Guest post by Sydney Willis, a scientist and a mother of one. She lives in Boston, MA USA. 

I became a mother at the very beginning of the pandemic. While I had been seeking our Heavenly Mother for years, during this time of remote church and physical loneliness, I turned more toward my journey to come to know Her better. While I make no excuses and feel immense sorrow for the lack of Her presence in our church institution, I found beauty in having no person or institution define how I should come to know my Heavenly Mother. I was able to define the relationship on my own terms and I found, and still find, Her in the woods of New England.

When I imagine Heavenly Mother, I think she might smell sweet like freshly cut grass.

I think her hair is the color of soil–rich forest soil containing forests of microorganisms within a teaspoon. 

Her eyes are a blueish gray–the color of a stormy sea.

She sounds like wind chimes and birdsong. 

Her favorite color is probably green, which is why She created conifers to stay green year-round.

Photo by Marina Reich on Unsplash

She must love beauty, because of the magnolia trees in mid-April. 

She is fun, as she made robin eggs cyan and mourning doves with blue eyelids.

She is a little wild and probably always has dirt under her fingernails from mushroom hunting–I get this from her. 

She isn’t afraid to be loud: I have heard the thunder and seen the lightning. 

But she’s okay with being soft and still: I have felt the quiet that comes during a walk after a snowfall. 

Photo by Solen Feyissa on Unsplash

She always has a treasure in her pocket–and she would have pockets of course–from something she made, an acorn cap or a scarlet maple leaf, that was a little extra beautiful. 

In her eyes, I will be able to see the North Star twinkling, as she is always keeping watch and leading us home to Her, even as the sky is getting darker.

I will know her because I know the earth. 

I know Her cycles–from the moon phases to the seasons to the circle of life. 

Because it is all a circle, I will eventually make it back to Her, just as winter will always turn to spring. 

When I get back to Heaven, I will be wrapped in Her arms and it will feel like I am swimming in the sea. I will breathe in Her familiar sweet, earthy scent and say, “Oh Mother, I knew you never left me. You have been here all along.”

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

Guest Post: Stay Small

Guest post by Leslie Alder. Leslie grew up as a military child, moving every two years. The Church was her one constant. She’s a firm believer that God is Love and that Primary pianist is THE best calling. She lives in San Diego, CA with her husband and 4 kids. You can find her on her website here.

This poem came to me in an instant as I fed my baby at the end of a week spent processing (yet again) disappointing and painful messages from upper church leadership.

Stay Small
March 11, 2022

Me.
“playing” (lowercase) mom today.

Trying to be as silent as possible so
as not to pull
my children away from their
saving,
life-giving parent-
their Father.

But as I feed her, my baby pulls my
mouth open.

She knows I speak.

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

Guest Art: I’ve a Mother There (in Her image)

Guest artist: Lauren Palmer-Merrill.

Lauren is a mother, clinician, and artist living in the Boston area.  Her own experience of becoming a mother helped her to find her way to a relationship with her Heavenly Mother, which this piece celebrates.  She aspires to follow Her example as she navigates the challenges of parenthood.

I’ve a Mother there (in Her image): 12×16 collage of oil pastel, watercolor, handmade paper, gold foil, and found objects.

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

Guest Post: I Sold My Soul

Guest post by Anonymous, who is a mother of four incredible kids, a heartbroken questioner, a bibliophile, a wife of an atheist, and a thousand other things

I sold my soul to God. For $40 a month, lies in a temple recommend interview, and documents full of men’s quotes about a Heavenly Mother I no longer believe in. I’m a shell of my old self. I severed my body from my soul when I started to imagine another God but stayed in a religion that enforces a He God that I don’t believe in. I hold my soul hostage for community, ideas of goodness, and my family heritage but mostly for the hope of change.

The hope of changing the definition of God is not unfounded or unprecedented; God evolves and changes with the needs of the culture-creating-people since the beginning of time. One such change comes to mind—the Nicene Creed defined God, stripped the bible of feminine deity and imagery; the names and stories of Ashura, Sophia, and Elohim have all been gleaned from the LDS lexicon. If the word God can be stripped away and defined, perhaps it can also be created and undefined. Hence, I stay in a place of pretending, a place of imagining. My body resides here in this church smiling and nodding and listening but my invisible parts desperately wade through hopes and language and realities that I find on the fringes and that I reform into palpable messages of faith. The He God has control and He is tearing me apart.

Ripping my soul from my knowing is slow, dull, numbing—less painful than I imagined. My body does the motions of devotion but my soul no longer believes and the idea of God has my soul by the throat, gently squeezing, slowly suffocating me to sleep with meaningless rituals designed by men for reasons sanded down by history.

For a long time, I created my own meanings for the rituals of sacrament, wearing garments, veiling my face in the temple, and praying to God. The meanings were feminine and beautiful; meanings that helped me find my own divinity. I found Her on the fringes like when Eliza R. Snow prophesied at a women’s meeting: “While sitting here I have been looking upon the faces of my sisters and can see the form of Deity there.” I too found Deity in the form of women.

But that belief kept being ripped from me by the constant reprimands in the rhetoric of the church: “We do not pray to Heavenly Mother,” it says, and “do you have a testimony of God, the Eternal Father,” it asks; reprimanding me for having a testimony in a god that is more than a Father, more than a man, more than words defined by a group of men in the third century, more than comprehension. I found Her in stories and wind and breath, but the reprimands forced me to face the He God again and again, and I know I should have left the church then but I couldn’t leave when She was so close and stirring within me like an untamed beast.

I sold my soul to this Father God of my girlhood so I could speak to a congregation and say She, so I could teach children about love, so I could listen to neighbor’s experiences and meanings, so I could learn about acceptance in a diverse congregation of people from disparate backgrounds, so I could talk about literature and spirituality in a language I know. So I could send a document full of quotes and art about Heavenly Mother to 45 adults in my ward and encourage them to incorporate Her into their Primary lessons. I disguise these beautiful things as devotion to the He God and everyone believes me.

Now I don’t know how to untangle my soul from this man God I pretend to know. The one I sold my soul to for an audience I understand, a people that I love, a language I studied since birth. I didn’t realize I’d slowly stop breathing, imperceptibly deflate as that idea of God’s grip tightened and tightened around my windpipe while I gently nudged a bishop here and a bishop there towards a Mother God until I accidentally became an institute teacher and then a primary president and now I pay tithing and answer impossible, exclusive, eroding questions with lies and pray to a God who doesn’t exist but has a grasp around my throat and allow people to assume I love Him, know Him, when all I hear is Him, him, him, him, his, he.

And then I remember why I sold my soul to Him. For Her. To plant the seed of something else into the minds that belong to Him. I’m fairly certain She doesn’t exist either, the reprimands have had their effects on my faith, but that is just a complication because language matters. Representation matters. Saying She and Her and Heavenly Mother at the pulpit matters. And if a She God is created and exists in our language, in our minds, then women might feel powerful and girls might love their bodies and write their stories and go on their quests and use their minds and unleash their doubts on the patriarchy.

And while my soul is suffocating in His hands, I deliriously think that if we can create a She God maybe we can create a They God. A God that represents every living being and holds our stories and our grief in Their palms and wombs and hearts. An undefinable God for all of the undefinable souls. I sold my soul to the He God so I could change Him into They from the inside. I sold my soul to a He God in hopes that God can become a word where no one is excluded by language or meaning or document. Perhaps, He and Her will dissolve into They if I can make it beautiful enough to the people who belong to Him. And so, you see, I have sold my soul to God thinking I could be a hero. Thinking I could change the direction of a massive vessel with the touch of my blue-nailed finger.

It is dysfunctional, but maybe, like the Nicene Creed re-defined God and a million other men re-define God over and over again, we can undefine God. Maybe God can be the limitless They in the collective lexicon of human minds. And even if I’m withering in the hands of Him Him He His, maybe I can watch humans find their femininity, their beauty, their freedom, find their power and acceptance of all people. And maybe the He God will stop strangling us with a pronoun, with a word, and finally, let us all breathe.

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.

Guest Post: The Gift of a Clean Slate #ReconstructingFaith

Guest post by Sarah Awerkamp, who is currently serving as a missionary for the LDS church in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. She enjoys reading, making people laugh, and exploring the beautiful Alps.

It was the first day of my life that I didn’t believe in God. I’d been an LDS missionary for 6 months, and my once firm faith was gone. I had been living by every ‘guarantee’ for keeping a testimony—I studied the Book of Mormon and prayed every day, bore testimony, approached questions with faith, lived every commandment, and was literally a missionary! Yet for months, my faith had been crumbling.

I’d hung onto it desperately, but I knew it wouldn’t last much longer. So one night, I begged God sincerely for a recognizable answer to my prayer. It went something like, “God, I’ve given 19 years of my life to You and this church, and if You want me to stay, I need an answer. Anything at all, because I can feel the last threads of my testimony snapping right now.” I laid awake for hours, hoping and praying, but I felt nothing. No answer. And just like that, I woke up agnostic.

I stayed in bed for an extra 4 hours that morning, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. I felt terrified and sad, because I wanted God to exist. Every part of my thinking was built around a belief in God, and I could hardly imagine life without Him. My mind was filled with questions: What if death really is the end? Is there no one to make life fair someday? If there isn’t a powerful Being who loves me perfectly, who will I turn to now? I wondered if I should go home, but I didn’t want to because I was loving my mission. I wondered if I should leave the church, but I didn’t want to because it’d break people’s hearts. I wondered what my family and friends would think and if they’d still be proud of me. Everything about my life would change if I left, and that scared me. But I also didn’t want to stay if it wasn’t true. As I debated, I realized one value could stay consistent regardless of my beliefs: love. I chose to stay on my mission, but my goal became simply to help others feel loved, because I could still give them that.

As I wrestled with my beliefs, a few people minimized my concerns. They threw out trivial answers, “proof” that the church “had” to be true, and tried to convince me that I already knew what was true and had simply forgotten. While they meant well, this didn’t help. I knew I’d been inspired from scripture – but also from other books. I knew I’d had spiritual experiences—but had re-labeled them as moments of self-discovery. I knew principles of the gospel made me happy—but thought it was just because religion explains the human experience. Their arguments pushed me farther away.

What helped instead was the many people who simply listened; who told me they loved me and would always be there; who trusted that I wasn’t making my decision lightly; who believed my experience and didn’t blame me for not “trying harder.” These people’s love is what pointed me back to God.

After months of seeking and waiting, God answered my prayer—He is real. I came to know Him through watching good people try to follow Him. I experienced Her in my friendships and as I built unity with others. I heard Them in spiritual experiences from people in various religions and walks of life.

My testimony of many things came back. And my testimony of some things changed. But I believe God wanted me to lose my testimony—all of it. Because what I have now is different, complicated, and constantly changing, but it’s mine. My religious beliefs were once built primarily on what others taught me. I see my faith crisis as the gift of a clean slate – a complete reset on my religious belief. I’ve heard faith reconstruction described as a treasure hunt. I sort through the rubble of my past testimony and pull out beliefs that truly sit right with me. I search for truth in places I had never thought to look. 

For example, I still believe God inspires men and women today like in old times, and abandon the idea of infallible prophets. I pick up the truth that our bodies are gifts from God, and I leave the judgemental modesty police on the ground where it belongs. I believe we should share our light, hope, and truth, and no longer believe that my way of seeing God is superior to everyone else’s.

My faith is nuanced and full of personal meaning and life, which were, at times, lacking before I doubted. I still have many questions and doubts. But I’ve learned that a healthy amount of uncertainty pushes me to seek God.

As Liz Wiseman says in her speech, “The Power of Not Knowing,” “I think sometimes our state of not knowing is actually where we come to know God. It is where we discover. . .  It is in seeking, not knowing, that we find truth. In that space is where we discover the true glory of God.” Because of this, I will never again say, “I know the church is true” (what does that really mean anyway?) but I can confidently say, “I believe this church is where God wants me to be right now.”

It took a lot to reach that point. As I considered leaving, I wondered where to go. There are many good options outside the church. Maybe I’d join another religion or find an independent spirituality. But as I thought honestly about every organization and religion I admire, I realized that all of them are flawed.

For me, it’s easy to become overly critical. When I found one problem in the church, my focus turned to all the problems, until any bit of good I once saw was consumed by bad. That focus didn’t make me happy. It started turning me into an angry person who was never pleased with anyone’s efforts.

So I promised myself that instead of attacking people (who are mostly good, though influenced by culture), I’d instead attack systems and ideas. Most people in this church are trying to do good, and while they sometimes make a mess of things, I have learned that good can always be found in their actions, intentions, or perspectives. This church needs people who see the good and the bad – who will do more than overlook problems or write the whole thing off as a lost cause, but who will do the messy work to make things better. A few ways I engage in that work are by listening to my LGBTQ+ and black siblings, asking hard questions about gender inequality in missionary work, and speaking up when I hear harmful ideas being perpetuated. 

I don’t say this to fault anyone who chooses to leave. Sadly, the church is not a safe place for everybody. There are many real, painful reasons that people leave, at times for the best. And those who leave the church deserve compassion and genuine love, not judgment.

But for me, I’ve realized–this church is good. The people here are good. And it’s not perfect, but I can help it become better. So unless God tells me otherwise, I’m choosing to stay. I’m staying because it’s my family’s church and I love how it connects us. I’m staying because I now feel certain about God’s existence and goodness. I’m staying because this church helps me be better. I’m staying because there’s so much truth here. I’m staying because I feel God wants me to. I’m staying because I want to. And I’m staying with the hope of making this a church where anyone who wants to stay can—a place where all feel safe, welcomed, and wanted.

This post is part of the series, Reconstructing Faith. Find more from this series here.

Seeking Her Even When Others Won’t

Mother God, Anne, Mary, Christ Child

I had an experience with Her before I had language.

I woke up while in my crib. It was dark, and I was crying. I turned and saw a picture of a woman holding a baby. She was sitting on a pile of straw. People and animals were around her, watching. I felt her comfort. I laid down, and went back to sleep.

By the time I was 9 years old, I was reading mythology and legend from several cultures. I couldn’t get enough of it. I loved seeing the similarities of the stories from different civilizations, even if they were from different continents. I relished reading about the powerful goddesses.

I loved learning that my religion had a theology of Heavenly Mother, of the Feminine Divine, of the Council of Gods that included expressions of Female and Male, and of a heritage of Gods that invited each of us to seek to grow in light, knowledge, and wisdom on a path of eternal progression.

I felt drawn to this. I felt a different kind of connection with Heavenly Parents than I did with my mother and father. My earth parents had brought me into this existence through a very physical process, and my connection with them has been closely linked to that process and progression of parent-child relationship. My Heavenly Parents had brought me life in a different way.

I learned at an early age about teachings from Joseph Smith – that we are co-eternal with God. We have existed forever, as the Gods have. Our Heavenly Parents presented Their knowledge and wisdom to us, inviting us to step forward into new life, a new sphere of existence that would challenge us and transform us. It was inspiring, and we became Their children by accepting Their invitation to breathe deeper and enter a new life that would lead to us becoming like Them. She is a mother goddess figure who is an example, an inspiration for me at all times in my life – not one who is confined to a very small, child bearing period of my life. She is one who can inform, comfort, heal, lead and inspire any and all of the human family who will seek Her.

My prayers, my study, my seeking, my questions, my experiences with God have led to deepening awareness of Their presence, Their compassion, Their love beyond condition. Sometimes it is the presence of one being, usually more. Sometimes a feminine, sometimes masculine presence, usually both.

Even though this seeking, this awareness began early in my life, I still have learned to look for Her more and more. I still had to learn to set aside a filter I once had that is far too common in my western civilization. This filter tells us to not see Her, to not think She will be visible, to wait for someone in authority to reveal Her. Once I took on a filter of looking for Her everywhere, of learning the many names by which She is known, I could see Her everywhere.

I was devastated during the 90’s, when there was an effort to eliminate voices that spoke of Her, and the many expressions of Her in language and scripture. More than anything else, those efforts helped me notice my old habit of not looking or seeing Her. I was all the more eager to set it aside.

I learned that I could not expect or seek answers from those who are unwilling to ask the questions I had.

Much like Joseph Smith, I learned to seek answers in my own sacred grove, over and over.

I learned, more than ever, why I need to go directly to the source. One of Her names in the scriptures is wisdom. I asked Her for wisdom.

In recent weeks, I am discouraged again to hear of attempts from those who are not willing to ask questions about Her, attempts to try to stop the speaking, the seeking, the yearning, the deep hunger, the crying out, the desperate need to know Her.

Some of the same reasons are being given again, and, once again, they all seem to come down to this… “Because we don’t already know, we can’t ask.”

It is so hard to know anything, until you ask. The unwillingness of people, even those in authority, to ask, cannot and will not stop those who are thirsting for wisdom to seek Her.

It is the most recent version of some people saying, for whatever reason, “Don’t look up.”

It takes so little effort to see what is already there, if one will only look.

She is everywhere in the scriptures, she is everywhere in the world, if one will only look.

Sometimes I realized that I had been in the presence of stunning depictions of Her, and I had missed it because I wasn’t looking.

A few years ago, I became aware of a magnificent stained glass window in the Canterbury Cathedral that was a depiction of Her. I had first seen this window decades ago, and I had not noticed Her. When I saw this window again, this time as one who was looking, I could see Her – in this window, and in the life of the artist who created it. They were expressing what they sought and experienced. And I was in awe of the presence of Her.

Last week, I was in the city of Madaba, in the country of Jordan. My tour group was visiting St. George’s Church, a 19th Century Greek Orthodox church which was built over a large Byzantine mosaic which depicted a pilgrimage map of the Holy Land. It is an amazing thing to see. As I walked around the church, I noticed the many mosaics that were on the walls and pillars of the church, some which were created in recent decades. I paused in front a small mosaic near the back of the church. There was something more here than what, at first, seemed to be an image of Mary and the Christ Child.

And there She was.

Mother God, then Anne the mother of Mary, then Mary, then the Christ Child.

The divine lineage of God in the world.

I saw Her because I was looking.

I stood there and wept.

No one else in the crowded church was looking.

She was still there.

She is still here.

Please. Even if those around you are not seeking, are not looking, are not asking…if you will, you can.

Spirit refers to breath. Inspiration refers to breathing in deeper life.

Breathe deep. Let your life be filled. Filled with wisdom.

Sacred Music Sunday: O God Beyond All Praising

Like most children of the ’80s, I was fascinated by outer space and wanted to be an astronaut. Unlike most children, I was raised primarily on classical music. My dad is a huge classical music aficionado, so my home was filled with it from infancy. CD players were still very new when I was a child. One of the first CDs that we got was Holst’s The Planets. It’s still one of my favorite symphonies. I love how it evokes the majesty and wonder of the heavens.

By NASA, ESA, and A. Simon (Goddard Space Flight Center) – http://www.spacetelescope.org/images/... or http://hubblesite.org/newscenter/arch... (Archive), Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index...

I was recently introduced to the hymn O God Beyond All Praising, which is set to the Jupiter movement of The Planets. The text is a hymn of praise, and the music adds to the majesty. I’m definitely adding this one to my personal hymnal.