Exponent II's Blog, page 11

To The God Who Keeps My Car Running

This year for various reasons, I’m avoiding studying from the Doctrine and Covenants as much as possible. I’m not following along with Come Follow Me at all. Instead I’m preparing for next year by studying the books of the 12 minor prophets in the Old Testament. 

So far my favorite book is Habukkuk. There are two separate places in the book where Habukkuk complains to the Lord. I find the passages highly relatable right now. Here is one of them. The ESV translation of Habakkuk 1:2-4 reads:

Oh Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? 

Or cry until you “Violence! And you will not save?

Why do you make me see iniquity, and why do you idly look at wrong? 

Destruction and violence are before me; strife and contention arise. 

So the law is paralyzed, and justice never goes forth. 

For the wicked surround the righteous; so justice goes forth perverted. 

I’m feeling a lot like Habukkuk lately. His lament gave me courage to write down the thoughts I’ve had toward God. 

* * *

Photo by Wade Lambert on UnsplashTo The God Who Keeps My Car Running, 

I’ve heard it said that there are no atheists in foxholes. I would add that there are also no atheists driving cars with over 200,000 miles. 

No matter how complicated my feelings toward the divine are, I will always pray to you when my van starts making weird sounds. I try to keep you happy. I pray to you before long drives. For many years I paid tithing to your church partially with the hope that you would help my family’s vehicles continue running.  

And so far you’ve come through. There have been some scary little moments, but with your help, and the skill of my mechanical genius husband, I still have two working vehicles. One is even within 10,000 miles of rolling over 300,000 miles. 

I’m thankful for that. 

But can we talk about some other things?

Because lately I’m looking around the world and I’m wondering if maybe my cars are taking up too much of your time. Have you seen the state of the world? 

A few weeks ago I read on Instagram about an aid worker in Gaza who was killed by a drone attack. He was sleeping in a tent with his family. Two of his children were killed along with him. His wife and two other children were severely injured.  

There is a lot of conflict in the world, there are sad stories in the news every day. It all feels like too much. And the news of the death of this man, who I have never met and who lived such a different life than me, was a tipping point for my belief in you. 

The old cliches aren’t working anymore. How can I believe everything happens for a reason or that you are in control and leading us to a higher good, when the world is such a mess? What is the point?

Please don’t tell me that I’m meant to be your hands and to bring the good into the world by serving others. I’m trying to do what I can in my little circle of influence. But I can only do so much. I have limited resources and time. I can’t even afford a car with less than 200,000 miles on it, remember? There’s not much I can do here. 

At church I listen to messages telling me of your love for me. I’ve heard this message for years, and I believe it. But it feels a little hollow when I see other people suffering so much and so needlessly. Do you love them too? I’m not sure.

I know my questions aren’t new. People have been asking why bad things happen to good people for centuries. We keep asking it because you haven’t provided a satisfactory answer.

Maybe you are just meant to be a God of Small Things like helping find lost car keys, and divinely orchestrated “coincidences” like timely phone calls from friends. Maybe you are just a God of tender mercies and help from strangers. You’ve been good at those things. 

I wish I could see you as a God of Big Things. Guiding my country to care for poor and marginalized people. Helping straighten out complicated and messy foreign affairs. But it doesn’t seem like that’s something you do. 

I realize I’m no different than many of your followers throughout time. When Jesus came to the Holy Land many of his followers expected him to help overthrow the Romans. Instead he overthrew death and sin – which I know in the long run is great. But I’d really like some short term solutions too please. 

So thank you for looking out for me, my family, and our vehicles. I truly am grateful for your help in our lives. But are you going to do anything about all this other stuff going on in the world?

Sincerely, 

A concerned follower

* * *

The book of Habakkuk ends with Habakkuk praising God and saying that he will rejoice in the Lord. I’m hopeful that one day I’ll be able to have my questions resolved and fully trust in God. But I’m not there yet.

Has the Church of Jesus Christ Earned Our Trust?

I was sitting across from a couple in my therapy office. We had been meeting for about 3 months and I felt we were making some important progress.

“But I haven’t done anything wrong for months now and she’s acting like I had an affair just yesterday. Why can’t we just move past this?” 

I turned to the person who spoke, a sincere man in his 30s, his shoulders slumped, a dejected look on his face.

“I know it’s painful to keep revisiting the choices you regret. It’s difficult to sit with her in this while she heals, but it’s going to take time.” I said.

“How much more time does she need? I’ve already said sorry. We’ve talked about it over and over. I don’t know what else I could even say or do to show her she can trust me,” he replied, his wife listening intently while her husband expressed his feelings.

“No words you say at this point will force her trust to rebuild itself. You’ve taken full accountability and that’s a big, foundational part of rebuilding trust, but you’ll likely need to continue taking accountability and continue showing her with your behavior that she can trust you again until eventually, if she’s open to it, she will. You can’t put a timeline on that, though. Trust takes time.”

We spent the rest of the session working through the hurt and continued lack of trust that his wife needed to process while helping the husband continue coping healthily with his discomfort. 

The Equation of Trust

When I’m helping a couple work through betrayal in therapy, I almost always begin the process by explaining the equation of trust that my mom, a fellow therapist, passed onto me and I’ve since tweaked a little over the years. 

In order for foundational trust to be rebuilt after a betrayal, the offending person in the relationship needs to understand the hurt that was caused and take full accountability or ownership of their choices. Without that ownership, it’s difficult to move forward in a healthy way, and then even with the owernship, the non-offending partner needs to see consistency of behavior over a length of time. 

Over the years of working with couples to repair broken trust, I have often thought about how this equation applies to other scenarios. It applies in a workplace setting when an employee makes a mistake. It applies in rehabilitation settings where significant change brings new behaviors. And it applies in the church.

How the Church Falls Short in the Equation of Trust

Like any organization, the LDS church has its shortcomings. It makes mistakes. Its leaders make mistakes. People say stupid things or insensitive things. Times change and past rhetoric is understood in a different way. But unlike many other organizations I’ve been apart of, the church rarely, if ever, takes accountability for the harms it causes.

We will hear about changes to the church’s harmful rhetoric at General Conference or through their website. Maybe there will be an updated handbook or whispers at church. But what we won’t hear is any kind of apology for the potential harms the past rhetoric or policies caused. The changes will take place without any discussion about them from the leadership of the church to its people.

But worse than the lack of accountability from the church is the way that it often turns residual pain or harm back to its members.

 “You’re still struggling with the racial exclusion policies? Stop living in the past. The church is always growing and changing. You need to be more faithful.” 

“You were taught your entire life that shoulders were pornographic and now tank top garments are OK. So what? The church is always growing and changing. Be more faithful.” 

I’ve occasionally joked that if the organization of the church was my friend or a romantic partner, it would be an incredibly unhealthy relationship. The church’s lack of accountability and subsequent blame is exactly like many unhealthy, verging abusive relationships I’ve seen in my office. When the offending partner is unwilling to understand the harm they have caused and instead blames it on the non-offending partner in some way, there is no possible way to reestablish safe and secure trust.

In the current climate of greater transparency, access to information like never before, points of view being shared from all sides regarding the LDS church, it would do well to take ownership and stop passing blame back to its members. It would do well to be an example of healthy change. 

And the good news is that there is already a set pattern of accountability that the church could follow in the way it expects its own members to sit across from their bishop, confessing and taking ownership for any serious wrongdoing in a temple recommend interview. I’m sure it would be crazy for a bishop to ask someone temple recommend questions and to hear “It’s in the past, that was a different time, stop questioning me about it. Be more faithful, bishop.” Yet this is the response members receive when asking the leadership of the church to take public ownership of its harmful choices.

Accountability is necessary because it helps the non-offending partner be able to trust that the offending partner can see the hurt they caused and how it impacts their partner. I’m not sure if the church can see the hurt it has caused, but if it can, it has not taken nearly enough opportunities to speak to it. Seeing the church take ownership for its poor choices would go a long way in helping members have a strong foundation of trust in the organization. And just like my client, ideally there would be many instances of accountability and consistency of behavior to re-establish that trust over time.

Guest Post: Boundaries at Church

Guest Post by Megan Buhler

Six months ago I asked to be released over cleaning the ward building.

===

Yesterday we cleaned our church building. My husband is in the Elders Quorum presidency and every 2 months it is his responsibility to clean the building. One-fifth of the families in our ward are assigned to show up to help.

We’ve cleaned a lot of church buildings in 20 years of marriage. When we were first married my husband’s calling was building cleaning coordinator. Despite many efforts to invite people to help, we cleaned the building alone almost every week. With 2 bathrooms and only one ward meeting in the building, we could get the building clean enough in 45 minutes. My husband would grab the vacuum and start vacuuming the chapel. I would walk through the building emptying trash cans and looking for anything out of place or that needed more attention. Then I’d clean the bathrooms while he vacuumed hallways and entry ways.

We have cleaned so many buildings over the years, trained our children how to help, and now that they are teenagers they are efficient at cleaning buildings, too. My 11 year old loves to mop – he fills the bucket on his own and mops kitchen, bathrooms, and the gym and then cleans up the mop. My teen girls start with the bathrooms – one refilling supplies, the other cleaning toilets, counters, and mirrors.

Our current building is lot bigger (5 bathrooms!) and a lot messier (2 wards). Still, the 5 of us can do a basic clean in an hour. Not everything gets done on the list – no dusting or wiping down water fountains or cleaning glass entry doors – but it’s usually good enough. If other people show up, more vacuuming, dusting, and windexing happens.

The issue is that our current ward expects the cleaning crew to also set up all the chairs. Chairs in the overflow, chairs in the relief society room, chairs in the elders quorum room, chairs in the primary room.

By the time my kids and ME finish cleaning, we are done. Setting up chairs is just too much.

===

A year and a half ago I was called into the Relief Society. It wasn’t handled well. My husband was in the Elders Quorum Presidency and I was in the Relief Society Presidency. We have a teen daughter with significant mental health issues including suicidal ideation and previous attempts. Church is not working well for her. She usually doesn’t attend. If she does, she usually goes home after sacrament meeting. There were frequent clashes between my calling, my husband’s calling, and our daughter’s needs.

However, cleaning the building was the first straw and the last straw.

When I got called, at our very first presidency meeting I brought up the issues with cleaning the building. And I had solutions to offer. 1. Separate cleaning and chair set up. Why do they all have to be put away every week? Have the auxiliaries set up their own chairs Sunday morning. Have the youth set up the overflow Sunday mornings. My family can clean the building by ourselves but we can’t clean the building and set up the chairs. 2. Announce which families are cleaning through Relief Society as well as through the Elders Quorum. We have all the dates for the whole year. If those get on my calendar, my family will be there. If they only get on my husband’s calendar, it is likely only he will be there – if even that. Let the women know what weeks their families are assigned and maybe people would come help.

Nothing happened. I continued to bring it up regularly. Nothing happened. The Relief Society President eventually mentioned it to the bishop who squashed it without discussion. I got a link to the list of cleaning assignments and sent it to our secretary asking that it be included in the weekly Relief Society email. It didn’t happen. I brought it up in our meetings at least once a month for a year. I always led with solutions and I got nowhere.

Of course, my husband thought I was wrong to raise the issue and we should just do it without complaining. But it was an issue. We were willing to help but no one was listening to my concerns. Or my limits.

At tithing settlement, the Bishop asked if we had anything to talk about and I brought up cleaning. He didn’t even let me finish my sentence. He was rude. He was dismissive. He blamed my husband for not doing a good enough job getting the word out. He insisted no other group had a problem getting people to come which was untrue.

Apparently he listened to other people complain at tithing settlement that the building wasn’t getting cleaned well enough. So rather than look at the current system – and maybe take the suggestions I had been making for an entire year – or coming up with a new system, the Bishop assigned the Relief Society to add deep cleaning activities every 6 months.

When the Relief Society President informed us in our meetings that was the plan, I expressed concern and frustration. Why not fix the system? Or start a new system? Why dump a whole bunch of extra work on the Relief Society? It wasn’t up for discussion. The Relief Society President had agreed and that was the end of discussion. Despite me advocating for improving the current system for an entire year, she just agreed. With no discussion.

So I asked to be released.

I have felt unheard in this church for 30 years.

I am tired of being told what to do.

I am tired of not being listened to.

I am tired of always being asked to do more than I am willing to do.

I am tired of the constant conflicts – having to choose between fulfilling my calling or my husband’s calling or meeting my child’s needs. Choosing between this meeting or that meeting when both are required by my calling and both are ridiculous, unnecessary wastes of time.

I am tired.

So, what are the solutions?

Well, I highly recommend not having a calling. It has been amazing to show up at church. I still do a lot of service – minister, cook for funerals, help members pack and clean, bring cookies to activities, clean the building every 2 months… but I’m mostly choosing what I do and what I don’t do.

I love the community and the service of my Mormon faith, but I’d like to change the top-down, no questions attitude and the assumption that we’ve all consecrated everything to the church so there are no limits to how much they can ask. I’d like to see people pushing back on unnecessary meetings and unnecessary assignments. Of course, paid church cleaning would be amazing, but that is outside of the control of the wards and stakes.

What do you think? How do you set boundaries at church?

Megan lives with her husband, 3 kids, and a puppy in Taylorsville, Utah. She loves books, working at an elementary school library, and is a member of too many book clubs.

I Am…A Poem

In the process of applying to what I hope will be my final educational endeavor – a second master’s – I was hunting for a writing sample, and found a forgotten poem instead. Lost in the files from a graduate certificate from a few years back when my twins were tots and my youngest an infant, was a poem I don’t recall creating for an assignment or actually even writing it at all.  

It’s a simple form I learned when I taught high school English. Start each line with “I am” and finish the thought. It could be metaphorical, literal, something in between. It can really be anything you want.  

Although I sadly don’t have Little Blue Truck on recall anymore, I’m sharing this poem today because the me of 2018 locked this away and the me of 2025 knows that it’s better to share our imperfect selves than to hide because we don’t feel good enough about our efforts. So here’s one iffy little poem for you. You might even try writing an “I Am” for yourself.  

I Am 2018 

I am mommy and "MAMA!"

I am able to recite Little Blue Truck (with voices) from memory (except that last page)

I am chief over the refilling the juice cups and the finding of lost shoes

I am nurturing chaos and presiding over a surprisingly melodious cacophony

 
I am the recipient of kisses and comfort and early morning cuddles

I am letting the dog in, then out, then in

I am going to bed too late and waking up not early enough

I am four chapters behind in my Brene Brown book club
 

I am asking for just ten more minutes on the computer

I am working in the time frame of a twenty-one minute episode of Beat Bugs

I am midwife to nascent writers

I am sure that my work is good, but is it good enough?
 

I am racing to catch up, but not sure I really lost any time

I am not at the height of my earning potential

I am handing the kids off to the babysitter

I am sure I am supposed to feel guilty when I drop them off

I am tightly wound and offering a smile

 
I am six generations deep in Mormonism, so I know how to smile

I am making peace with where I was planted

I am sure the other field is better

 
I am reading the stack of women's stories by my bed

I am learning too few really want to hear the stories

I am telling stories

 
I am realizing I know more than I think I do

I am not an imposter, but do I really belong here?

Photo by Gabriel Soto on Unsplash

Guest post: Pride and joy

By Mikaela

Going through seminary in the late ‘90s, the dangers of Pride weren’t lost on me. However, at this point, in a religious context the term “pride” was very much only associated with the “pride cycle.”  We were often warned of how ‘pride cometh before the fall” and was the reason for the destruction of the entire Nephite nation. Unfortunately, those conversations never included discussions about wealth inequality, class privilege, or the damage caused by racism, patriarchy, or the danger of internalized superiority.

Pride has a different meaning to me now. Last weekend I spent Saturday morning at our local Pride Parade happily running into many close friends of varying relationship make-ups and sexual orientations. As I watched a local band march past raucously playing an upbeat pop song, I was proud to be lovingly welcomed into this space. But the emotion that struck me most was joy.  I was overcome by how uninhibitedly joyful the experience was. As congregations from five different Christian churches walked the street with pride flags, I couldn’t help but envy their ability to seamlessly integrate their spirituality, Christlike love and acceptance of people of all walks of life and joyfulness. This was beyond my comprehension. When my brother admitted to “same-sex-attraction” in the fall of 2004, pride certainly wasn’t on my radar.  Even before the damaging impacts of the church’s response to Prop 8, rather than simply love him, I kept this a secret as though it was shameful and spent years crying through sacrament meeting over images of a heaven with empty chairs. I was terrified I might have an LGBTQIA+ child and have to choose between wholeheartedly loving and accepting them and their life, or my place in God’s kingdom. Thankfully, I’m not that person anymore. However, as I watched the parade surrounded by joyful people living their authentic lives, I couldn’t help but consider how differently my life has looked.  

Perhaps the thing I grieve most about my religious life is the idea that reverence, peace, and “happiness” are somber and silent. I have no idea how to show up joyfully in life. It feels … wrong. I often find myself uncomfortable with overt expressions of happiness. Having received my endowment in the days where we covenanted not to engage in “loud laughter,” I was painfully aware that my very excitable and often loud way of communicating with others was potentially dangerous. Just three summers ago, I sat in a sealing where the officiant requested that all guests remain silent as they left the room and communicate their congratulations to the bride and groom through their eyes—on a day that was supposed to be the happiest, the most joyful of their lives, any joy that day was muted, silenced, almost unwelcome.

This isn’t unique to sealings and sacrament meetings. My church life has been overshadowed with fear, insecurity and silence.  Even as a straight, cisgender, middle-class, typically abled woman dripping with privilege, I have struggled with the need to stay silent to belong. But in the last few years I have realized I was failing miserably at this. Because all of the rage and suppression and claustrophobia of silently conforming was coming out sideways in emotional daggers as I screamed at my children and failed to love my husband for not meeting expectations. The system that taught me to self-betray in order to belong was tearing apart the family it was supposed to save. 

My fear and insecurity in our failure to adequately “do all we can do” or “love the sinner but hate the sin” was preventing me from loving at all—other people, yes, but also myself. More importantly, the self-loathing that ensued precluded any possibility of feeling joy. I came to the end of my rope. In the absolute depths of despair, I had a come to Jesus moment. What I found there was that if God’s greatest joy is found in wholeheartedly and unquestionably loving a world of humans that spans the entire spectrum of humanity, then perhaps pride and joy aren’t irreconcilable. Perhaps, when we accept ourselves and others and authentically embrace this wild experience, we call life together that is where we find joy. We find people excitedly gathering candy for my shy 13-year-old and politely asking to share stickers. We find friends from the gym stilt-walking in rainbow colors and elderly couples who probably lost friends in the AIDS crisis proudly holding hands.  We find people secure enough in their knowledge of God’s love and acceptance to not be threatened by difference and share that love without qualifiers or expectations. We find ourselves fully connected to those around use in a beautiful experience that makes even the most wall flower among us tempted to get up and dance. In that moment I understood: Christ didn’t suffer so we could reduce the misery we experience to a bearable level of survival.  Christ suffered so we could feel love without qualifications or limits.  And that transcendence, I think that the word for that, is joy. 

Not too long ago I watched a video of David Archuleta struggling to sing at a concert to support the LGBTQIA+ community.  The song describes his experience of his mother walking out of church with him. As his voice wavered and broke with emotion the crowd begins to cheer, and as he continues to struggle to contain his emotions, they just scream louder. Just thinking about it now, tears stream down my cheeks.  It was another moment of people joyfully loving humanity. I sent it to my brother with another apology, once again expressing my regret that when he needed love and support and acceptance the very most, I failed to recognize that all I need to do was simply cheer him on.  Because sometimes love needs to be loud, and sometimes joy isn’t found in a sacrament pew, but on a curb at a parade fully supporting Pride in its wildest forms. 

Mikaela is a lover of many things, including family, friends, animals, and most especially lively conversation. A professional loud mouth with no filter, she spent too many decades thinking she had no rhythm before finally realizing she needed to dance to the beat of her own heart.  When she isn’t spending time with her kids and husband, she is most often found doing “trail” therapy with one or two or 15 of her many friends. Whether on a bike, skis, a paddle board, snowshoes, or her own two feet, you will hear her coming.

Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash

Relief Society for Him, Not Her

In Relief Society—the women’s organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—it’s common for men to attend, speak, or preside at meetings.

At the Worldwide Relief Society Meeting broadcast in March 2025, Elder Renlund was the keynote speaker. This wasn’t unusual. He followed a decades-long pattern of men speaking last (and longest). 

This happens at the local level, too. Where I currently live, two of the last four Stake Relief Society conferences have been headlined by men.

Over the years, I’ve seen men from the ward, stake, or visiting authorities take over a Relief Society meeting, often without advance notice to the Relief Society presidency or instructors.

Male priesthood leaders oversee Relief Society callings, budgets, and curriculum. Clearly, the Brethren are comfortable with men participating in—and presiding over—the Relief Society.

So why did a former stake president face a disciplinary council for attending a brief portion of a Relief Society meeting?

Because she did so as her authentic self, presenting as a woman.

In Dictates of Conscience: From Mormon High Priest to My New Life as a Woman (Signature Books, 2024), Laurie Lee Hall shares her story. She was raised as a boy, the sex she was assigned at birth, but wrestled with gender dysphoria from a young age. She lacked the language, community, and resources to resolve the incongruity she felt between her body and her spirit. After joining the LDS Church, she committed to living her life as a male. She served an LDS mission, married a woman in the temple, had several children, became an ecclesiastical leader, and eventually became the chief architect of LDS temples.

While serving as stake president of the Tooele Utah Stake and after years of intense personal wrestling, Laurie Lee came to better understand and accept her transgender identity. Socially and medically transitioning took time and came at great cost to her career and family relationships.

Laurie Lee’s memoir avoids preaching and transcends the personal. As both a high-level church employee and an ecclesiastical leader, she offers rare insights into the internal workings of the church. She maps her journey alongside the church’s increasingly strict transphobic policies.

Even knowing that the LDS Church’s treatment of trans individuals is disgraceful, I still find myself shocked at the event that triggered Laurie Lee’s disciplinary council. She had been presenting as a woman at church for some time, assisting in the library during classes, when an elderly sister she worked with in the library said she felt weak due to low blood sugar. Concerned about this sister, Laurie Lee offered to accompany her to the Relief Society room to help her sit down. Not wanting to leave the sister alone, Laurie Lee stayed with her for the final twenty minutes of the meeting before walking her back to the library.

As stake president, Laurie Lee had participated in the Relief Society in many ways. She attended their meetings and conferences, met with their presidencies, and sought to increase their leadership visibility in the stake and center their needs. 

When Laurie Lee presented as a man, no one objected to her participation in Relief Society. But attending even a portion of a Relief Society meeting while presenting as a woman? That was unforgivable.

Laurie Lee’s excommunication was triggered by her twenty minutes in Relief Society. Or at least that was the excuse her local leaders used for initiating the process. She had already been pushed out of her church employment due to her trans identity and presentation.

Current church policy requires that individuals attend gender-specific meetings according to their gender assigned at birth. However, this policy does not apply to priesthood-holding men in leadership callings. They can attend, speak, and preside at women’s meetings. They can determine the curriculum, budgets, and callings of the women’s organization.

The policy is only meant to target transgender and gender nonconforming individuals. It is rooted in fear and transphobia. It is not intended to protect women, but instead to maintain patriarchal control over women’s spaces.

Laurie Lee’s memoir is both a personal account of courage and a searing indictment of institutional hypocrisy.

Dictates of Conscience reveals how systems of power distort sacred spaces under the guise of order and tradition. Her story invites us to ask: Who belongs in women’s spaces? Who gets to decide? What might Relief Society look like if it truly centered compassion, sisterhood, and the dignity of all women, including trans women?

Laurie Lee’s memoir is essential reading for anyone who believes in the power of conscience and the importance of building inclusive communities.

Don’t miss Exponent II magazine’s upcoming Pride issue! Subscribe today.

Upcoming Launch Party for the “Pride” Issue of Exponent II

Join us for our launch party for the upcoming issue of Exponent II magazine on July 10th at 6 p.m. MT / 8 p.m. ET. In this issue we explore the theme of “pride” ranging from stories of aspiring Mormon women to LGBTQ+ writing, artwork and poetry.

Register for the Zoom link at tinyurl.com/exiiparty

Agenda:

Cover revealLetter from the Editor Presentations
Writers read a portion of their work and artists discuss their piecesQ&A with contributors

Join us for a sneak peek of this outstanding issue and to honor all of our amazing writers and artists!

The feature image is a conceptual mockup with art by M. Alice Abrams, who will have an artist feature in this issue.

Pride, War, and the State of the World: There is no bow right now

Convo with my husband this week:
Me: Got anything interesting on your mind lately?
Him: Why?
Me: I’m supposed to be blogging this Saturday and can’t think of anything that might make a good story. I mean it’s pride month and we might be entering a world war. So, I guess there’s plenty to talk about. But, it’s all so depressing!

I like to write about things that I can tie up with a nice little bow. Sure, I like to write about problems – but usually only if they have a nice way to tie them up or solve them. This post has no bow.

How do you write about pride month at a time when what is supposed to be a celebration is being tainted by politics? 

A few recent headlines from major news organizations include:

Big brands are pulling back on Pride merchandise and events this year



Companies Pull Back From Pride Events as Trump Targets D.E.I.



Target Moves Pride Merchandise Aside To Spotlight Father’s Day And July 4th Holidays

Some headlines are a bit more hopeful, but still tainted by the US president’s bigotry. For example:

The LGBT community shows up for WorldPride in D.C., despite some worries about Trump

Instead of celebrating pride month, Trump and his supporters are busy celebrating his bombing of Iran. It makes me sick to my stomach.

At work, we did get some good news last week. I work at a science institute that is mostly all federally funded. Trump had blocked a lot of grant funding for people in my field across the country. Last week a judge blocked Trump’s block of the funding, so people are supposed to be able to resume their work. But that’ll be appealed and there’s still plenty up in the air right now, so it’s not an easy fix to the mess the scientific community is in. There will be no bow for years to come.

Have you ever had a problem that you were clearly in the midst of, but kept trying to convince yourself that you were on the other side of the problem? 
Maybe you and your spouse are trying to work through something and you keep trying to convince yourself you’ve worked through it, but really you’ve got a long way to go? 
Maybe you experienced some trauma and you keep trying to convince yourself you are emotionally past it, but then you find yourself crying in the checkout line of the grocery store and realize you aren’t there yet? 
Maybe you were dealing with addiction (or the addiction of a loved one) and kept trying to convince yourself that the addiction was in the past, but it really wasn’t? 
I feel like I do this sometimes. 
I feel like my friends do this sometimes. 
I feel like my family members do this sometimes. 
It’s like we don’t want to admit that the hard problem is still going on. 
We’re forcing the bow where there really isn’t a way to put a bow on it yet. 

Right now I just want to take a moment to say: As a nation we are in the hard part. We are SOLIDLY in the hard part. And we don’t need to try to convince ourselves that things are getting better. We can just say, “Hey, this sucks. It’s all so depressing.” 

And I’m not going to be able to put a nice bow on this post. Can you? How do we end this?

[feature image on this post photo cred: Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash]

A Q&A with the Incoming Editors of Exponent II Magazine

Millie Tullis and Natasha Rogers, our incoming editorial team, are hard at work preparing to transition into their new roles. Read our discussion with them to learn more about their personal journeys, aspirations and enthusiasm for the work ahead.

Interview with Millie Tullis, incoming Editor-in-Chief of Exponent II:

Tell us about your journey finding Exponent II . 

When I first learned about Exponent II, I was intrigued by the unique history of the magazine and its community. I hadn’t known that communities like this existed! (Huge shoutout to Dayna Patterson’s poetry for introducing me to the big, beautiful world of feminist Mormon art.) But when I first published a poem in Exponent II and my contributor copy arrived, I was totally stunned by the beauty of the magazine itself. Every issue is designed, edited, and laid out with such thoughtful care. I realized (with delight) how little I still knew about Mormon feminist art—how much more there was to read and see and learn from Mormon feminists. And this, of course, is the amazing work that Exponent II does.

Beyond requiring many competencies and a robust skillset, this position is a labor of love. What made you decide to give your head and heart to this work at this time?

Shortly after I saw the call going out for a new Exponent II Editor-in-Chief, I read Katie Ludlow Rich and Heather Sundahl’s remarkable 50 Years of Exponent II. Reading this history deepened my admiration for what Exponent II has overcome and the unique space it creates for so many women and gender minorities across the Mormon spectrum. Rich and Sundahl did a beautiful job illustrating the labors and love behind the journal’s long history. Exponent II continues because those who were passionate about its existence gave it their time and talents. I am personally so grateful for that labor. 

When I journaled about applying for this position, I had plenty of doubts, but I was haunted by Claudia Bushman’s words: “You always have room for another big job.” This probably isn’t always true for all of us (there’s only one Claudia Bushman, after all), but it felt true for me at that time. I’m in a phase in my life where I do have room for “another big job,” and I realized I would love for that job to be in service to Exponent II, a community that I think is so rare and remarkable, and a community that needs time, energy, and talents to continue for another fifty years. 

What areas of your personal and professional background prepared you for this role? 

I have experience working with three different literary journals, volunteering as a reader, poetry editor, social media manager, and Editor in Chief (often performing several roles at once.) In particular, my role as the Editor-in-Chief of Psaltery & Lyre has expanded my professional and personal network of writers, especially in Mormon spheres, and solidified for me how much I love running a literary journal.

A key part of Exponent II’s Editor in Chief role is working directly with writers, giving feedback and preparing pieces for publication — this is also work I really love to do. I have taught or tutored college writing for 11 years across three institutions, working as a peer tutor and a writing instructor, and participated in many, many creative writing workshop spaces. Personally, one of the most exciting parts of the Editor in Chief position is the opportunity to encourage and support other writers (new and experienced) in sharing their stories.

What has training been like? 

In addition to the hope that I would bring something useful to the magazine, I knew that I would greatly benefit from being more deeply embedded in this community, and I already feel like this has been true for me — in particular, working alongside Rachel Rueckert and Carol Ann Lister Young (the outgoing editor in chief and managing editor) and Natasha Rogers (my incoming managing editor) has been an amazing opportunity. It’s hard work to put together a magazine issue, but it’s been so joyful to learn and grow with these talented women, and I’m really excited for everyone to see the Pride issue we’ve been working on together. Rachel has been incredibly generous — she has been so open about the role and offered me amazing support and advice throughout this transition. I’m happy to know that she’s earned a well-deserved break, but I’ll miss sharing this role with her.

Can you tell us a bit about your team?

I’m really thrilled to continue working with Natasha Rogers as my managing editor (our first solo issue will be fall 2025, and the theme is listen!) Natasha is so smart and kind; she also brings amazing Exponent II blogging and community experiences to the magazine team. I also grateful to continue working with Rosie Gochnour Serago (Exponent II’s layout editor), Rocio Cisneros (art editor), Abby Parcell (poetry editor), C. Chanel Earl (fiction editor), Eliza Wells (women’s theology), Liz Johnson (subscription manager), Ynna Padilla (book review editor), and a really, really generous group of volunteer readers, proofreaders, and author-editors.

Do you have any distinct ambitions or goals for your tenure as Editor-in-Chief that you’re thinking about? 

It’s really remarkable to assemble such a magazine that is so historically rooted and at the same time, always being re-made, re-crafted, pulling in new voices, new art, new angles. Exponent II is a shared space in the sense that we come together in the spirit of some shared identities, but it’s also a shared space because we encounter new perspectives and new experiences, our own viewpoints are expanded by what someone has shared. In this way, our magazine and community are always being made and remade with each new issue. I don’t come into this job wanting to remake the wheel, however. I really admire the trajectory Exponent II has been on, particularly under Rachel’s leadership. I hope to continue many of these same goals forward — expanding the diversity and range of art and voices featured in the magazine (in terms of gender identities, sexual orientations, ethnicity, nationalities, and Mormon identities), grow the reach of Exponent II, and I hope to continue providing opportunities and support for new and emerging writers.

Interview with Natasha Rogers, incoming Managing Editor of Exponent II:

You have a long history with Exponent II and have supported the organization in so many ways over the years. Tell us about your Exponent II journey and how you feel about this next step!

Thank you! I first learned about Exponent II when my friend Katie Rich sent me the Spring 2021 issue with a neon sticky note peeking from the pages, marking her first published essay. I read each essay and poem, studied the artwork, and then signed up for the craft workshops hosted by Rachel Reuckert.

I’d been reading Christian feminists for years and found myself in the stories and words of women like Rachel Held Evans and Sue Monk Kidd, but I had no idea that there existed spaces for Mormon feminists to archive their rich inner lives in similar ways. Exponent II brought the stories of these Mormons, whom I’d felt so isolated from, into my home and then gave me a platform to share my own stories. 

I became an Exponent II blogger in 2022 and joined the board in 2024. I continue to be awed by the voices of Mormon feminists and the way this community holds people, witnesses their stories, and then teaches us how to believe ourselves. I am thrilled and honored to continue this fifty-year legacy of Mormon feminists and their creations.

Do you have any distinct ambitions or goals for your upcoming work as Managing Editor?

I’ve been so amazed by Rachel and Carol Ann’s work, and by all the editors before them. Exponent II has evolved with each editorial voice and in response to the needs of our readers. I imagine Millie and I will shape the magazine in new and meaningful ways as time goes on. 

A small thing I’m excited to see is the inclusion of a book recommendation in each author and artist bio! It’s a way to connect our readers more deeply with the people behind the work.

What are some aspects of your personal and professional background that you feel prepare you for this role? 

I’ve served on the Readers Committee, worked as an Author Editor, and collaborated with guest bloggers at Exponent II. I love working with Mormon feminist authors and their stories. 

As a library clerk, I engage with thousands of stories and styles, and as a contract writer, I deeply believe in the magic of storytelling.

Something I love about Exponent II is how it welcomes beginners and scholars and everything in between into collaborative spaces. I feel like I am still a beginner, and I’m grateful that Millie and Exponent II are taking a chance on me. Thank you.

What excites you most about supporting this work? 

I am excited to work with and learn from Millie Tullis who is thoughtful and knowledgeable and thinks like a poet. I’m excited to engage with authors, volunteers, and the editorial team who keep me thinking and listening and feeling.

Mormon feminists are brilliant. Being in generative spaces where we are creating art and witnessing stories together sparks Big Magic like nothing else. That’s what I’m most excited about.

6 Artists I Love to Celebrate Black and African American Music Appreciation Month

In the United States of America, June is Black and African American Music Appreciation Month. The celebration was established to celebrate the immense contributions that Black people have made that have influenced and shaped music and culture. 

This African American Music Appreciation Month, I highlight the incredible work black artists have done and continue to do through these (number) of artists. I have included Spotify and YouTube links, so feel free to add them to your playlist and continue to enjoy their songs long after June ends!

Harry Thacker Burleigh and Spirituals

Harry Thacker Burleigh, aka H.T. Burleigh, (1866-1949) is renowned for his arrangements of African American Spirituals. Spirituals often feature religious themes and became a way for enslaved people to commune, worship, and resist. For more information about the influence of Spirituals, the Library of Congress has a detailed article. The foundation of American folk music is deeply reliant on these songs, and H.T. Burleigh helped share them with a wider population. 

Burleigh introduced the composer Antonìn Dvořak to several spirituals, which led Dvořak to conclude that the foundation of true “American” music was based in African American Spirituals. 

H.T. Burleigh was a composer, arranger, and baritone. H.T. Burleigh wrote arrangements of many African American Spirituals to be sung with piano. This allowed them to be published and performed in many venues they may have otherwise not seen. These arrangements brought spirituals to Classical music performers and made them popular recital pieces. 

Burleigh’s work with spirituals was so prolific that his associate, the composer Antonìn Dvořak concluded that the foundation and future of true “American” music was based in African American Spirituals.

All of Burleigh’s spiritual arrangements are stunning and beautiful. One of my favorites to listen to is “Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child” (performed by the remarkable Lawrence Brownlee and Iain Burnside). It speaks to the longing of a home that enslaved people would have felt. It also has a timeless, plaintive feeling of wanting things to improve. When the voice reaches the top notes, it feels like the start of a cry. Burleigh’s arrangement stays true to the spiritual’s roots while using the piano to add another voice to the song. 

While Burleigh’s spirituals are his most famous output, I also want to highlight his art songs. Art songs are Classical compositions that highlight and elevate music and poetry. Burleigh wrote many art songs that are masterpieces and require beautiful singing and playing to show the rich depth of feeling Burleigh highlighted. One of my favorites of Burleigh’s art songs is “Worth While” (performed by Sidney Outlaw and Warren Jones). The poem is by Laurence Hope (née Violet Nicolson). The music swells on the climax of “What matter the price? We would pay it again, we have had, we have loved, we have known!” and you can hear the richness and lush timbre in the voice and the full, rich chords in the piano emphasizing this power of love to make all things worth it. 

Margaret Bonds

Margaret Bonds (1913-1972) was a skilled concert pianist, a composer, an arranger, and a music teacher. She was the first Black woman to perform with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, which at the time featured only white men. As a composer, she regularly collaborated with the poet Langston Hughes to highlight his poetry in art songs. She also popularized and arranged many African American spirituals. 

Her arrangements and compositions show what a talented pianist she was. She masterfully uses the piano to enhance the voice and to tell the story through another musical world. 

Bonds composed a cantata based on the spiritual “He Never Said a Mumblin’ Word” with poetry by Langston Hughes called Simon Bore the Cross. It is a monumental work, perfect for celebrating Good Friday. It features a full choir, soprano and bass solos, and keyboard or organ. I am deeply touched by her writing of “Who is That Man?” (performed by Janinah Burnett), which is sung from the perspective of Mary the Mother of Jesus watching Simon help Peter carry his cross. 

Bonds’ spiritual arrangements are also incredible and virtuosic. Leontyne Price (one of the most incredible sopranos to ever live- who graced the stages of the Metropolitan Opera, the Lyric Opera of Chicago, and the Royal Opera House) regularly performed Margaret Bonds’ spiritual arrangements on her recitals. Price’s recording of Bonds’ “This Little Light of Mine” is one of my favorite recordings in all of music. Bonds’ arrangement fits in Price’s voice like butter and you can hear the joy and beauty emanating through the composition and performance. “This Little Light of Mine” is included in the Church’s new hymn book, so be sure to share Bonds’ arrangement with your wards!

“Handels’ Messiah: A Soulful Celebration”

Chances are you have heard at least part of Handel’s Messiah, but have you heard it done in the style of African American music? You can now! 

In 1992 executive producers Norman Miller, Gail Hamilton, and Mervyn Warren released a reinterpretation of the monumental work. The album features artists like Stevie Wonder, Al Jarreau, Dianne Reeves, Patti Austin, Tevin Campbell, and more. It highlights 16 of the songs from Handel’s Messiah done in different styles. The musical styles all have roots stemming from African American musical genres, like R&B, hip hop, jazz, ragtime, and spirituals. It is simply delightful. It is one of my favorite albums to put on at Christmas and Easter, because it feels like a true celebration of Christ and his mission.

I am only highlighting two songs from the album, but truely, you have to go listen to them all. Each one is a treasure and features incredible artists! The first piece I will highlight was introduced to me by a music theory teacher at my conservatory who liked to play music at the start of class. The piece starts with a classical recording of the grandiose tenor aria “Ev’ry Valley Shall Be Exalted” before a record scratches and switches to a funky, fresh version of the song performed by Lizz Lee, Chris Willis, and Mike E. Handel’s become belted riffs full of soul. 

Another of my favorite songs from the album is Al Jarreau’s take on the bass aria “Why Do the Nations So Furiously Rage?” If you don’t know Al Jarreau, I need you to stop what you are doing right now and listen to his “Take Five” to hear his masterful scatting and keyboard skills. Back to A Soulful Celebration, Jarreau’s “Why Do the Nations So Furiously Rage?” features his quick scatting vocals, sharp keyboard skills and glorious backing by a big band. 

This album is a treasure and one of my favorite ways to worship! I put it on every Christmas and Easter (and any other day when I’m craving some soulful worship). 

Gladys Knight

Motown music is an iconic form of black music. It originated in Detroit, Michigan (Motor Town) and combines R&B, soul, and blues. It often features highly skilled vocal groups and songs that were perfect for dancing. Gladys Knight and the Pips are one of the most influential motown groups in America. 

Gladys Knight is also known as the “Empress of Soul” for her incredible voice and songwriting. She is a master of motown and soul music. Her song (recorded with The Pips) “Midnight Train to Georgia” was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Dave Marsh of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame described Gladys Knight and the Pips as “a living tribute to the strength of music and friendship, the power of love and devotion expressed through song and voice. In short, a personification of the very spirit of rock and roll.” 

Gladys Knight and the Pips spread motown music across the world and helped this 

Many people do not realize that Gladys Knight is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but she was baptized to the faith in the late 1990s. 

Her music is always a reflection of the deep feeling she has. Her voice is velvety and rich with a grit and power that set her apart from other singers. 

In 2017, she performed as part of a celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at the Kennedy Center, and I love this recording. I love how well her voice has aged- a testament to her technique and skill! I love the joy she has performing. She is simultaneously elegant and exuberant. 

Gladys Knight is a shining example of the beautiful contributions that African Americans have made to the culture of music. 

nobigdyl.

I discovered the rapper nobigdyl. on Instagram when I saw a reel of his song “Imago Interlude,” and it stopped me in my tracks. Imago can mean an idealized version of a person. Nobigdyl. raps about the hypocrisy some Christians have when they turn Christianity into a status symbol to be maintained or a way to get “clicks and views” on the internet. He sings of walking past Yeshua on the street because the narrator is too busy to stop while they are on their way to Sunday School. He raps about the conflict in Palestine and Israel and the people hurting and suffering. He talks about Christ being in cops and the victims of police brutality. As he holds these truths, you can hear a harshness enter his voice, as one might imagine the despair from seeing all of the horrible news in the world. 

Then, the music pauses and a chorus chants “I hate the people we became” and it grows into a fervor. Then, nobigdyl. sings over the chorus “I love the people we became” with a syncopated rhythm that emphasizes the change and the choice to love others, even when it feels hopeless. 

I really love this song and the tension it holds in how we have to keep trying to walk in Christ’s steps, but it’s complicated and it’s messy. 

nobigdyl. Is a really special Christian rapper. His songs emphasize his faith and his personal experiences with no apology and no pandering. 

Dr. Rosephanye Powell

Dr. Rosephanye Powell is a composer, conductor, educator, and performer. Her works are lively, beautiful, and deeply emotional. She has composed works for choirs, soloists, and ensembles. As an educator, she also works with choirs around the United States to help them blossom. She also published a guide “Mastering Spirituals Dialect” to help choirs appropriately perform African American Spirituals. As a performer myself, I am so glad she has done this work to help more people perform African American music in a respectful way. 

Her choral works are really special and exciting. My favorite is “The Word Was God” (performed by the Eastman Chorale with Dr. Rayvon Moore conducting), which takes one of the sections of scripture I have never enjoyed reading- the lineage of Jesus from Adam, and makes it exciting and fresh and special. After listening to this piece, I felt inspired to see if I could find more meaning in that scripture and I found myself pondering each name as a person who had thoughts and hopes and dreams, not just a name on the page. 

Her art songs are also rich, pleasant, and true to the spirit of the poetry. I especially love her “I Want to Die While You Love Me” (performed by Jennifer Piazza-Pick). Each verse shows text painting to elevate the emotions. The melody itself is incredibly delightful and I just love the pure love that Dr. Powell imbues into the piece. 

Celebrate African American Music All Year Long

While Black and African American Music Appreciation Month is only in June, there are so many amazing African American artists to celebrate year round. Here are some of the benefits I have experienced as a Christian and a musician from celebrating black music: 

Diversity of worship: through listening to music by black artists in my worship, I find different perspectives on God and I relish in different ways to express those perspectives. While the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square is a great choir with skilled musicians, that is only one sound for worship, and sometimes I need something different. Enhanced musical skills: as a professional musician, I have learned a lot from listening to the musical contributions of African Americans. While I primarily perform Western Classical music, listening to African American music has helped me improve:Harmony singing Musical freedom and expression Ornaments and riff singing Performance practice and confidenceDeeper connection to the music of my country: American music was built by African Americans. Without black people, we would not have rock and roll, blues, soul, folk music, jazz, or any of the music that is quintessentially “American.” Listening to black artists enhances my ability to participate in and appreciate the culture of my nation. 

So, whether this is your first time celebrating Black and African American Music Appreciation month, or if you have been celebrating for years, take some time to read about and listen to black artists, and continue that practice long after this month ends. 

Who are your favorite black musicians? Share their names below so fellow readers can enjoy!