Exponent II's Blog, page 11

Guest Post: America’s Sweethearts: What LDS Women and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Have in Common

Guest Post by Martha of Bethany

Netflix’s series “America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders”, has taken the country by storm. In a sport centered on men’s views and preferences, we come to know the women on the 50 yard line. We, the viewers, see them not only as professional, outstanding performers but also as successful, highly-educated women on and off the field. From the tumultuous tryouts to game day, we share in their emotional peaks and valleys. 

While this is a beautiful commentary on the strength of women, it is impossible to ignore the disparity between the male professional football players and the female professional cheerleaders. The moment that resonated with me the most was when the team managers were listening to the cheerleaders’ criticism regarding how many of them have two jobs to make ends meet. Their trusted coach, a former DCC herself, responded “why would you quit your second job when that’s what makes you so impressive?” While in my emotional tailspin from the comment, I began to contemplate the following:

What if each year, every member of the football team was forced to recompete, through multiple rounds of tryouts with no contract for an additional year?What if the football players needed second jobs to supplement their income?What if football players were required to get a makeover to play?What if the football players were responsible for washing their uniforms before each game?

As many of us read through the list above, you probably realized that if even one of those hypotheticals were true, professional football as we know it would likely cease to exist. When watching America’s Sweethearts from an LDS feminist’s perspective, one cannot help but see the overlap between the women of the DCC and the women of the church; instead of football fields and white mini shorts, we have cultural halls and some longer white shorts. Nonetheless, we are expected to be America’s Sweethearts.                                                                                                                       

The same type of patriarchy we see in the show, we see echoed in our church experience; as the kids say, same story, different font.  As women in the church, patriarchy and misogyny dictate what we wear, how we wear it, how we should speak, where we can speak, what we should do, who we should marry, etc. Just like the DCC, we are casualties of the very protocols, policies, and procedures that are designed to “shape” us or rather keep us in a mold of beautiful, talented, educated, driven, but silent and compliant women.

One of the most apparent spaces LDS women see a disparity between men and women leaders is at our General Conference. Nearly a decade ago, President Russell M. Nelson spoke these words:

“My dear sisters… we need you.”  from A Plea to My Sisters By President Russell M. Nelson (October, 2015)

I second President Nelsons’ claim, they do need us! The church needs us! Think of all the things in your ward that would cease to continue without women. Think of what would happen if women in the church stopped marrying men in the church. Who would make all the compassionate service dinners and feed the missionaries? The question we must ask ourselves is, do we want to continue to work in the shadows supporting the very men who oppress us? I offer another reason the church needs us. The church needs us to move it forward and fulfill the church’s complete restoration of gospel truths, but they are not ready to address that yet. 

Church leaders often emphasize that women are an important part of church structure. Many have said that women are more sensitive to the physical and spiritual needs of our brothers and sisters. While patriarchal church leadership emphasizes the importance of women in the church, they fail to mention their preference for the types of work women can and should do. The church leadership may retort with how women are invited to councils and hold many high level church callings. Though that is true, I ask the following questions:

Who holds the majority of callings? Who really gets to make the decisions? Who gets the final say? Who really holds the power?

The answer is simple. It’s men. 

Women inside of the church, from my experience, are often highly educated, many of them holding one if not two degrees. These women are pillars in their community. Some have decided to pursue careers. Others have decided to forego them to raise families. Many even served missions. Despite this, there is still a disproportionate weight placed on women to bridge the gap in the home and in church while letting church decisions be run and discussed by men. Men are called to serve in callings like Bishop, Stake President, or Elders Quorum President and their wives are expected to take care of all of their family needs; in many cases, the wives are also included in the decision. 

Conversely, the Relief Society President and Primary President are expected to absorb their calling responsibilities and the family ones. No one ever talks about the Relief Society President’s husband having to stay home and take care of the family. Nor do they expect the Primary President’s husband to make Sunday dinner. Even when the women in the church are in the depths of compassionate service and selflessness, we are told to look to the Savior and continue serving. Never mind that he was the literal Son of God who could go 40 days without eating. 

Even women outside of the church, like the DCC, are face to face with the depressing realities of patriarchy, but at least in the world there are resources to help. In the church, this battle against patriarchy can feel overwhelming due to the lack of support built into the church infrastructure. So where does that leave us other than in a daily knife fight against what we know to be true and what men tell us is true? I reflect on a fitting passage of scripture to close.  

In 2nd Thessalonians, Paul (and likely some other supporting authors) address the external persecution and internal confusion the Thessalonian church was facing regarding the timing of Jesus’s return. The false information and interpretation of Paul’s earlier teachings led to this second letter. Paul concludes his remarks in chapter 3 and I leave you with these words.

1 Finally, brethren, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may run swiftly and be glorified, just as it is with you, 

2 and that we may be delivered from unreasonable and wicked men; for not all have faith.

3 But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one. 

4 And we have confidence in the Lord concerning you, both that you do and will do the things we command you.

5 Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ…

13 But as for you, [sisters], do not grow weary in doing good.

Martha of Bethany is the writing moniker of a lifelong member of the Church who, like her biblical namesake, considers herself a close friend of the Savior. Rooted in faith yet unafraid to wrestle with hard questions, she writes from the tension between devotion and doubt on LDS policies, protocols, and doctrines.

Guest Post: Feeling Nourished in Our Worship of Jesus Christ

Guest Post by Carina Gillenwater

This was a Sacrament Meeting Talk given by Carina in her ward on August 10, 2025.

How can I feel nourished by my worship of Jesus Christ? 

This question is one I’ve spent many years of my life pondering, thanks in part to varying circumstances in my life that have made worship hard for me at different times and in different ways. Before I dive into some of those circumstances, I wanted to take a moment to talk about what it means when I’m talking about “feeling nourished” and “worship.” 

Most of us probably have an idea of what it means to worship Christ, right? You might say it’s something like “loving Jesus,” or “going to church and the temple,” or “praying.” And you’d be right! Those are all included in how the Church talks about worship. In the Gospel Library, there is a “Topics and Questions” section, and I found a section within that talks about worship. It says, “To worship God is to give Him our love, reverence, service, and devotion… worship not only shows our love for God and commitment to Him, it gives us strength to keep His commandments.” It also lists various ways to worship. Prayer, joining in fellowship and worship with others, and participating in priesthood ordinances are all listed. In addition, it also speaks of having a “worshipful attitude.” As Alma and Amulek taught those who weren’t allowed to worship in their church, we are not limited to worshipping God only on Sundays. In Alma 34:38, it reads, “worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth.” 

I also need to talk about what it means to be nourished. On the Merriam-Webster dictionary’s website, it has three definitions for nourish. The first is to nurture, or rear. The second is to promote the growth of. The third comes in two parts; to furnish or sustain with nutriment, or to feed, and to maintain and support. To feel nourished is to feel sustained, supported, full. It is to grow and become more than what you started as. In John chapter 6, we read the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand with five loaves and two fishes. The people who receive this are so amazed they follow Jesus for some time. He explains to them in verse 35: “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” That is what nourishment is, and that is what we will experience as we worship the Savior. 

Imagine, if you will, a paper cup. The paper cup is a representation of our worship practices. When we worship our Savior, we fill the paper cup with delicious, refreshing water. We drink of that nourishment and grow, feel filled with our love for the Savior, and become more like Him. Every act of worship fills more water inside the cup. Every time you read the scriptures, fulfill your calling, minister to those around you, pray, go to the temple, sing joyful songs, every single act, fills your cup. Now imagine someone stabbed a hole in my cup. Maybe the hole is in the side of the cup. I can still fill the cup with my nourishing, worshipful water, but now it won’t fill all the way, because there is a hole in my cup, and the water will spill out. Maybe the hole is bigger, and at the very bottom of my cup. I can do all the worship practices that I desire, but I’m not going to feel nourished. If I can’t mend the holes in my paper cup, I am not going to be able to grow and progress and improve my relationship with Christ and Heavenly Father. 

What are these holes in my paper cup? These holes are things in my life that get in the way of me feeling nourished in my worship. I mentioned at the beginning of this talk that over the course of my life, I have experienced various circumstances that made worship feel difficult and frustrating to me. Some of these circumstances you may be familiar with, or have even experienced yourself. Some will be personal to me and my life.

I have struggled with the transition to attending church on my own, when I started college at BYU-Hawaii. I’ve struggled with worshipping in the midst of postpartum depression and anxiety and the loneliness I felt in the early motherhood years. We all struggled together, but separately, during the COVID-19 pandemic. Whenever I have moved or changed wards, I struggled with having to rebuild my local community and support system. I have wrestled mightily with learning about and learning how to love my queer identity as my Heavenly Parents do. I still struggle sometimes with the demands on my time during church, between my calling, my children, and my husband’s calling, and feeling frustrated I can’t give my full focus to the ideal of worshipping for these two hours I’m here. There has not been a year that goes by that I don’t struggle with some form of anger and dismay at a new or reiterated church policy that I don’t agree with. I struggle with the loss of those I love leaving the church I love, and how we who are left often treat them. At times I have struggled with individual people, or comments, or attitudes and old traditions that leave me feeling further from Christ and His love. 

But Carina, you may say, with this laundry list of holes in your paper cup, how do you feel nourished in your worship of the Savior? Is it not more hole than cup at this point? This is the good news. This is my hope I want to share with you. I’ve done the work to mend, or at least shrink, the holes in my cup. I can walk you through the things I’ve done, but I will remind you again, that these are personal to me and to my circumstances, and that you will have to take the time and dig through your own life and work these things out with God. Work I would greatly encourage you to do!

Let’s start with the first one. I struggled with attending church on my own while I was at college. Most of us here are either past this stage or have not reached this stage of life yet, but some of you will be there pretty soon. I didn’t like attending the student ward at BYU-Hawaii. I felt like I didn’t know anybody there, I felt like the Bishop didn’t actually know me, and it was a large ward so I could just sit in the back and zone out and play on my phone. But that changed when I got a calling. I had a few different callings during my student years, from ward emergency substitute pianist to being the person who makes the programs each Sunday. Taking the time to serve and participate in my ward helped me to become more involved in my ward community and to feel like I was getting nourished. Service was the solution here.

There is always work to do, and when you do it, you are helping yourself as well as others. Elder Steven E. Snow, in a talk given in the October 2007 General Conference, says this. “We demonstrate our love when we help and serve each other… we have an obligation as members of the Church to accept callings to serve in building the kingdom of God on earth. As we serve in our various callings, we bless the lives of others… in Church service we learn to give of ourselves and to help others.” There is a balancing act to play here as well, since one of the other holes in my cup is that sometimes I feel my calling and my husband’s calling and taking care of my children during church meetings takes away from my ability to focus on the sacrament and worship in a way I would like. But I’ll tell you what. When I get to primary and sit with my little Sunbeams, my heart is full. Mostly of joy. And what frustration is also in there is held back by my knowledge that this service, this shepherding of the Lord’s most precious little ones, is itself an act of worship. President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “No man (or woman) can be a true Latter-day Saint who is unneighborly, who does not reach out to assist and help others. It is inherent in the very nature of the gospel that we do so. My bothers and sisters, we cannot live unto ourselves.” If you find yourself with a hole in your cup, maybe look to see if service is the right shape to plug that hole. 

More holes in my cup have included postpartum depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Sometimes this was exacerbated by moving or changing wards. When your brain is not working as it’s supposed to, when you are scared or feeling alone, it makes the effort of worshipping difficult, and it feels more draining than nourishing. At these times, I found nourishment by accepting love and help and service from others, even, especially, when it felt hard for me to do so. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf has taught, “We all know that ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’, but I wonder if sometimes we disregard or even disparage the importance of being a good receiver… sometimes people even get to the point where they can’t receive a gift, or, for that matter, a compliment without embarrassment or feelings of indebtedness. They mistakenly think that the only acceptable way to respond to receiving a gift is by giving back something of even greater value.”

Allowing people to help me has let me find new best friends, rekindle old friendships, and led us both to feel the love of God in our lives as we gave and received service and love to one another. If we cannot learn how to accept love and help from our mortal companions here on earth, how are we to learn to accept all the love and blessings our Heavenly Parents have in store for us all our lives? Please, if you are feeling alone and you are scared of being a burden, of asking for help, I would encourage you to find a way to reach out to someone. You will be blessed not only in the immediate sense of being helped with your problem, but you will also plug that hole. You won’t be alone. Matthew 18:20 reads, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” 

Sometimes, though, the struggles are with the people we are worshipping with. This might manifest when we encounter an inaccurate or unkind statement said in Sunday School, a personality that you might find difficult to get along with, or the general flaws and foibles of being with other imperfect humans. These problems have been my opportunity to practice patience and love and to remember that we are all children of our Heavenly Parents. 3 Nephi 27:27 says, “… Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” I cannot control what others around me do or say. I can only take control of my actions, and do my best to dedicate myself to becoming more like my older brother, my best example, Christ. Jesus loves us all, and by trying to become more like Him, I feel my love for others grow, even when I am annoyed or frustrated by them and their actions. This is a hole that comes and goes but tends to disappear when I am doing my best to be loving. 

And then, there are those issues that I’ve had to work out on my own with God. These include my sexuality, my negative feelings about various church policies, and old traditions and attitudes that I don’t agree with. These are holes that I’ve had for my whole life. I have not yet been able to fully plug all those holes or make them go away. I live with these. Sometimes the worship is just hard, and my water is spilling all over my legs, on the floor, and everywhere except in my cup, where I want it to be. But I am not alone. I have a testimony that is built on Christ, and He will never forsake me. He loves me in my fullness, not in spite of the parts of me and my identity that others label as bad. He loves me when I am yelling at him in my prayers, angry and frustrated and feeling betrayed. He guides me to the scriptures, to the temple, to others who share my situations and concerns. He gifts me with an understanding heart and the strength of His love. He has atoned for my sins and for every pain and piece of suffering that I have and will endure in this life. 

At the end of John chapter 6, many of Jesus’ disciples leave him once they learn he will not give them the physical bread of which he shared earlier with the five thousand. Jesus turns to the Twelve and asks, “Will ye also go away?” In verse 68 we read Peter’s reply. “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life. And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.” 

It is the same for me. Where else would I go? I am here, I stay here, I keep coming here because I know what it feels like when the cup is full and the worship is nourishing. I have experienced the joy of singing in the choir, the delight of a child participating in primary classes that I prepared, the sanctification of the sacrament and the spirit that is felt when God’s words are shared among His people. I know of the love that is shared in a smile, in a hug, in a kind word or text. At our best, we are truly a family. My worship is nourishing because I have hope. Hope is not just to be waiting and wishing, but hope is to be working and moving forward, expecting good things to come. I have a phrase I’ve used a lot over the years, and it’s this: you find what you’re looking for. Look for the nourishment in your worship. Work for it to be so. Expect that good things will happen. 

When I was younger, my mother put me in piano lessons. She said I would stay in them until I learned how to play any song in the hymnbook, so I could always be of service whenever I was needed. One of the first hymns I learned how to play was hymn number 72, Praise to the Lord, the Almighty. I picked it because it is relatively easy to learn how to play, but it has since become one of my favorite hymns. It is a song all about worship and joy. 

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!

O my soul, praise him, for he is thy health and salvation!

Join the great throng, psaltery, organ, and song, 

Sounding in glad adoration!

Praise to the Lord! Over all things he gloriously reigneth.

Borne as on eagle wings, safely his Saints he sustaineth. 

Hast thou not seen how all thou needest hath been

Granted in what he ordaineth? 

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy way and defend thee.

Surely his goodness and mercy shall ever attend thee. 

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do, 

Who with his love doth befriend thee. 

Praise to the Lord! Oh, let all that is in me adore him!

All that hath breath, join with Abraham’s seed to adore him!

Let the “amen” sum all our praises again, 

Now as we worship before him.

I pray that your cup may be full, your holes small or easily plugged, and your joy in worship unceasing and full of nourishment. As you seek for these things, I know that you will be guided to where you need to be. Our Heavenly Parents love us. Jesus Christ loves us. They have given us the ultimate gift, the atonement, so that we may one day return into the arms of our loving family and our joy will be everlasting.

Carina is a mom of two living in Southern Indiana. She loves reading, cooking, playing Dungeons and Dragons, and going on walks.

Attend Exponent II Retreat: There’s Still Time to Register!

The Exponent II Retreat is coming up from Sept 19-21, and we still have a few openings due to cancellations. If you are interested in one of these spots, please fill out THIS FORM.

Interested in learning more about the retreat? Check out our retreat page and blog series.  

Joseph Smith and Plural Marriage: Imagining an Honest, Realistic Middle Ground

Mormon plural marriage has been a hot and contentious topic this year

One of the difficult questions raised repeatedly is how to make sense of why a well-meaning religious leader would take such actions. What could possibly compel Joseph, for example, to betray and lie to people he cared about, especially his wife Emma?

The old official narrative can’t help us here; it rationalizes abuse and sin and fails to grapple with moral complexity. Meanwhile, alternative approaches jump to dualistic conclusions: Joseph must have never done what history claims he did or Joseph must have been ill-intentioned and dishonest in general.

There is a need to find a middle ground where we can explore more complex possibilities. Carol Lynn Pearson’s The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy does a great job opening such a space. Yet there are important questions beyond what she covers to explore, including why. Why would Joseph do this to us? Is there any framework to help us make sense of his behavior?

Claiming our ties to people impacted by polygamy and our right to reinterpret what happened

Growing up, I was taught I should not use my imagination to make sense of plural marriage or how the people who lived it felt. Teachers and leaders talked as if what happened was way beyond my understanding and occurred during a distant and foreign part of history.

Yet many of the people impacted by plural marriage are somewhat historically and relationally close. My second great grandmother, Sophia Poulsen Shepherd, born in 1868, was hired out at age seven to earn her own keep doing housework and living permanently in another family’s home because her polygamous parents couldn’t afford to provide for her. She was promised organ lessons in exchange for this immense sacrifice, but the lessons never happened. At age 14, she rejected an offer of marriage from her polygamist bishop. At age sixteen, she married a handsome young English immigrant. As a middle aged mom of a large (monogamous) family, she teared up when she heard one of her favorite songs, “After the Ball is Over,” Years later, as a grandma, she fainted from shock and grief when she heard the news that her grandson, Rolla Glick, died by machine gun fire in France during WWII. These brief glimpses into her story bring her to life for me.

Sophia and me.

Years ago when my mom and sister found a couple photos of Sophia as a teenager at my grandparents’ house, they noticed how much she reminds them of me. We had similar jawlines, snub noses, cheeks, and eyes. We later realized as we traced our family tree that I most likely inherited the underbite that caused me to need jaw surgery at age 16 from her. Sophia and I are close enough in time that my grandfather spent a significant amount of time with each of us. We can relate meaningfully to the people impacted by plural marriage. Yes, there is some distance, but there are also many rich threads that bind us together, even with generations further back.

I am claiming some personal authority to reinterpret what happened with Mormon plural marriage, specifically why it all started. It’s not for the sake of trying to resolve all the questions, but to scout out avenues for healing and greater understanding.

In claiming this right, I am inspired by the thinking of African American historian Tiya Alicia Miles, who in the introduction to her All That She Carried discusses how researchers and writers from historically oppressed groups may benefit from draw on a variety of creative methods to reinterpret and retell their deceased predecessors’ stories in ways that challenge standard, traditional accounts. Writing about her own research on artifacts and records pertaining to enslaved women, Miles explains that “because archives do not faithfully reveal or honor the enslaved, tending to [our] intimacy with the dead necessitates new methods, including a trans-temporal consciousness and use of restrained imagination” (All That She Carried 18). As needed, Miles draws on her creativity and imagination to do greater justice to the stories of the women she researches, and to help bring them to life.

We can apply her ideas to the ongoing legacy of plural marriage doctrine and narratives, which have likewise failed to “faithfully reveal or honor” lay members’, and especially women’s, experiences. Like the rich connections between modern African American writers and enslaved women, contemporary Mormon individuals share their own special “intimacy” with our predecessors. We have been subjected to some of the same inequities and questionable doctrines, policies and expectations as they were in the past. For many of us, lived polygamous experiences are written into our DNA and evident in our intergenerational struggles and wounds. As I suggested in sharing Sophia’s story, our hearts, minds and lives are noticeably interconnected across time.

Using our best insights and a reasonable amount of restraint, there are times when we can draw on personal wisdom and imagination to help them make sense of the past. I believe ordinary Mormon folks like me have invaluable insights that we’ve gleaned from the trenches of everyday life to offer concerning Mormon plural marriage. Applying our experiences and imagination to our history is our right as the impacted inheritors of this problem, and may even prove necessary to move forward and heal. What we learn can and should speak to what needs to change today, helping us to surmount oppressive narratives and conditions and flourish.

On Sexual Brokenness and the Addictive Thinking that often Accompanies it

My process of applying my own wisdom and experience to the history of plural marriage started when I found myself in my thirties supporting individuals around me who experienced or were impacted by compulsive sexual behavior. Good people around me were being hurt and troubled by this problem and wanted my support, whether they had patterns of unwanted behaviors themselves, or were partnered with someone who did.

I learned about how when individuals struggle with these habits, there is a lot going on under the surface. Initially, I didn’t understand the first thing about it, and had so many wrong and judgmental ideas. The psychology is complex and not intuitive. When we hear about people struggling with these issues, it is easy to assume that the root cause is all about mismanaging lust, and that the solutions should be simple or obvious, like “duh, just stop.” Yet that is not the case. Sexual compulsion originates in complex, painful early life experiences and the emotional and relational wounds and struggles these leave behind.

Jay Stringer is a licensed clinical therapist and ordained minister who researches and writes about unwanted sexual behavior and how to heal from it. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. According to Stringer’s research study that included 4,000 individuals, struggles with unwanted sexual behaviors are not at all random. He writes:

“Unwanted sexual behavior forms when six core life experiences are linked together: deprivation, dissociation, unconscious arousal, futility, lust, and anger. Any of these experiences on their own are not enough to create pervasive damage. Rather, it is when these experiences link and reinforce one another that the stage is set for unwanted sexual behavior to appear. These experiences usually exist unexamined and therefore lead to a predictable, pernicious cycle that traps the soul over time” (Unwanted 86).

Those who acquire this particular emotional damage have often been abandoned, shamed, controlled, abused, and/or neglected in some way, and they end up with a chronic problem of feeling shame and as if they are unloved and unwanted by others. While each person’s wound has unique meanings, narratives, and fantasies attached to it, the particular emotional dynamic he describes is consistent. Stringer and other voices refer to the resulting woundedness and struggle as “sexual brokenness.” This type of wound is not uncommon.

When such wounds remain unaddressed, people may begin to struggle with sexual compulsivity. As they re-experience instances of deprivation, dissociation, arousal, futility, lust, and anger in some sequence in day-to-day life, vicious cycles of sexual compulsion and feelings of personal worthlessness can develop (Unwanted 86-87). Shame is a key driver; anger often also plays a big role in cycles of compulsive sexual behavior. An individual might get caught up in porn use, extramarital affairs, and/or risky or excessive sexual behaviors such as buying sex that are against their values and beliefs. The behavior disrupts their lives and often endangers their relationships. It is hard to make sense of what is going on and why, and they may struggle for years or decades to find relief.

The compulsive behavior can be a way to dissociate from pain, try to get some kind of comfort or validation, or claim a sense of control or getting what the individual wants after feeling powerless and controlled by others. Yet above all, Jay Stringer asserts, at its core, the behavior is driven by an impulse to stay connected to one’s sense of personal shame, unwantedness, and despair about desires for love and connection being fulfilled. He writes:

“Self-contempt is not a by-product of unwanted sexual behavior; it is the very aim of it. Through this lens, unwanted sexual behavior is not primarily an attempt to remedy or self-soothe the pain of a wounded child. It is attempting to reenact the formative stories of trauma, abuse, and shame that convinced us we were unwanted to begin with. In other words, we are not addicted primarily to sex or even a disordered intimacy; instead, we are bonded to feelings of shame and judgment. In this way, unwanted sexual behavior is not seeking medication but rather a familiar poison to deaden our imagination that something could change for the better (Unwanted 10-11). When you examine it more closely, sexual compulsion is not all about pleasure or sex or wanting to hurt or use other people. It’s mostly about unhealed, painful personal shame.

When people struggle with patterns of compulsive, unhealthy behavior, they can easily get caught up in cognitively distorted self-deceptive systems of thinking. They develop habits of rationalizing their actions that Abraham J. Twerski describes at length in Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception. While this problem is common with substance abuse, people struggling with various adjustment problems, from chronic procrastination to sexual compulsion, also struggle with creating systems of self-justifying cognitive distortions, arguments, and excuses, which Twerski refers to collectively as “addictive thinking” (Addictive Thinking 2).

When addictive thinking takes root, people go to great lengths to justify their harmful behaviors without being cognizant of what they are actually doing. They are literally not aware they are lying to themselves. The rationalizations they come up with are often ingenious and seductive and very logical sounding. Twerski explains:

“Rationalization means providing “good” [or plausible] reasons instead of the true reason…This does not mean that all rationalization are good reasons. Some are downright silly, but they can be made to sound reasonable. Rationalizations divert attention from true reasons…As with denial, rationalization is an unconscious process–that is, the person is unaware of rationalizing. A fairly reliable rule of thumb is that when people offer more than one reason for doing something, they are probably rationalizing. Usually the true reason for any action is a single one” (41).

People caught up in self-deceptive thinking may succeed at deceiving those closest to them. However, as Twerksi notes, the justifications prove absurd and flimsy when we look at them more closely or observe the ugly end results of their behavior (Addictive Thinking 40-41, 71). A person caught up in addictive thinking has great difficulty ever admitting that they are wrong or doing wrong; their perception is that they are right and justified (71-73).

People struggling with sexual compulsion also usually hide their habits from the people they love and lie about what is really going on. Lying may appear necessary and right to them in the context and is easily rationalized. They also want to have some control over a situation that feels unmanageable. Insecurity and shame make them highly sensitive to criticism and rejection. They want to continue to enable what they’re doing because they don’t see a way out and aspects of it make them feel gratified. The secrecy signals that on a less conscious level, part of them does acknowledge that what they are doing is wrong and shameful. (For a thoughtful contemporary example of how secrecy and deception can pan out in a well-intentioned person’s life, I recommend Faith Matters’ conversation with Jason Portnoy, the author of Silicon Valley Porn Star).

Joseph Smith’s behavior regarding plural marriage resembles features of sexual compulsivity and additive thinking

Both Joseph Smith’s childhood and adult life could have easily linked the six core experiences and emotions that when reinforcing one another can lead to unwanted sexual behaviors. He grew up poor and undereducated in a large family with parents who were stretched thin. The family was transient and faced some major setbacks due to his father’s errors in judgment, a context that could have easily created shame and strain in the family. As a youth, Joseph walked with a limp and was sometimes ridiculed for his claims to visions from the heavens. We also know he was worried about his sins; it’s one reason he prayed in the woods at age 14. Experiences of deprivation and suffering continued in adulthood. He struggled to provide for his young family. He was arrested and imprisoned many times. He was physically attacked by mobs, and one such incident resulted in a chipped tooth that caused him to speak with a lisp. Meanwhile, his aspirations and expectations for himself were sky high, which may have set him up to experience profound shame.

The definitive biography of Emma Smith, Mormon Enigma, demonstrates that Joseph’s impulses and efforts to seek attention from women other than Emma occurred shortly after he founded the Church and before he practiced plural marriage or taught it as a doctrine (pg. 64-67). Moments of supposed revelation came long after Joseph started experimenting with superfluous intimate relationships. I suspect the events happened in the order they did precisely because Joseph needed to justify actions he was already involved with. In my mind, his teachings about plural marriage were merely set of inventive rationalizations for his compulsive behaviors. Over time, his rationalizations snowballed into a whole myriad of bizarre, contradictory, silly rationalizations for why plural marriage needed to happen. Today the Church seems to have given up and to suggest there is are no clear reason. I think there is ultimately only one reason: Joseph’s sexual brokenness.

Joseph was sometimes reluctant and ambivalent about plural marriage. Sexual compulsion is characteristically riddled with ambivalence because it is driven by feelings of shame concerning oneself and one’s inappropriate secretive behaviors. This may have just been evidence that he was suffering from sexual compulsion rather than a reason to defend Joseph or argue plural marriage wasn’t his idea.

Sexual compulsion and addictive thinking could explain why Joseph justified being secretive, deceptive and duplicitous toward his wife Emma and others. These are common behaviors for people in this situation. He was fragile and self-defensive and was protecting himself from criticism, from being held accountable to face the truth about what he was doing, and from others intervening with his behavior.

Whatever the “angel” which in some second-hand accounts commanded Joseph to take plural wives, really was, the story only served to strengthen and bolster his rationalizations. Was it actually a hallucination he saw when he suffered from sleep paralysis or was mentally desperate? Was it a dream or a self-justifying delusion? Or even an evil spirit taking advantage of him to hurt others?

Joseph acted like someone caught up in patterns of addictive thinking in that he projected blame for his actions onto others (Addictive Thinking 44-46). It was all God’s fault that these women were expected to marry him–not his. He also projected his sexual brokenness on other people by requiring them to live the same lifestyle as him. By forcing them to adopt his habits and rationalizations, he could attempt to lighten his own feelings of guilt and shame. Seemingly devoid of empathy, he “clapped his hands and danced like a child” when the Twelve Apostles gloomily bent to his orders to practice plural marriage with him (Mormon Enigma 98). Numbing his emotions and sensitivity to others’ feelings was probably a way he coped with underlying pain and shame.

Many aspects of Emma’s experiences with Joseph’s plural marriage lifestyle and teachings resemble those of a contemporary woman experiencing a husband’s sexual compulsivity and infidelity. Like many such women today, she discovered her husband’s behaviors by stumbling upon situations he didn’t want her to see. In some instances, she learned he was secretly married to her closest friends. She anxiously tried to prevent his acts of sexual betrayal; in one instance, she stood in front of a bedroom door to prevent him from spending a wedding night with a new wife (Mormon Enigma 137-45).

Joseph created abusive conditions to get Emma to cooperate with his behaviors by withholding religious blessings until she gave him consent to do what he intended (Mormon Enigma 142-3). From Emma’s perspective, is was Joseph’s voice in D&C 132 that threatened her with destruction if she did not consent to him taking more wives; she said he was “indulgent” and burned the document (152-3) At times, Joseph scapegoated Emma for the problems they were facing; he treated her as the unfaithful, unrighteous one (154, 161-4). Such abuse toward a spouse that blames them for the relational problems they in fact cause themselves and that manipulates the spouse into cooperating with their violating behavior can be characteristic of individuals suffering from sexual compulsion. Emma threatened divorce at one point (158). Her ultimate conclusion was that Joseph’s plural marriage teachings were uninspired; she even said on one occasion that they came straight from hell (171). She was highly anxious about her sons following in their father’s footsteps regarding plural marriage (172). Later in life, she was still in a lot of pain about his behaviors and struggled to speak about what had happened to her. She concealed the truth from her sons (292-301).

There are other facets of sexual compulsion and addictive thinking that line up with Joseph’s behaviors and life history to explore, but I’ll just mention one more here. There is evidence that toward the end of his life, Joseph experienced moments when he started to break out of his self-serving thinking about plural marriage. Such “rock bottom” experiences happen to those suffering from addictive thinking when the negative consequences of a behavior start outweighing perceived personal benefits; these moments are opportunities to start recovering (Addictive Thinking 101-2).

There are accounts that Joseph told William Marks on one occasion and the Twelve on another that he had come to the conclusion he had been deceived about plural marriage and that he and the others must turn away from the practice (Mormon Enigma 179-80, see also Laurence Foster’s article about these instances). In addition, shortly before his death, Emma believed Joseph was moving away from polygamy (Mormon Enigma 207). It does not appear that Joseph set plural marriage aside entirely before he died, and he might have vacillated in his views, or said things to satiate others or protect himself, but perhaps he did begin to acknowledge that his thinking and actions had been distorted and harmful.

How might this perspective provide a supportive middle ground?

There are various potential strengths and benefits to this reinterpretation. It supports the exploration and development of nuanced views about Joseph Smith’s character, motivations, and actions. It allows us to treat him as emotionally and spiritually wounded, sick and self-deceived rather than deliberately, consciously seeking to do harm from the outset as he adopted the practice of plural marriage. By moving closer in and seeking to understand how behaviors and struggles like his work psychologically, we can treat him as a three-dimensional, complicated human rather than all good or evil. It may help us move through anger and suffering toward forgiveness, healing, and a sense of compassion for him and the people he influenced.

In cultivating compassion, we need not excuse him for what he did or treat him as innocent. We can hold him accountable for doing things he should have recognized as wrong and checked himself against doing. We may also recognize that it might have been very difficult or impossible for him to really make sense of why he did what he did or how to make things right, partly because he lived in a time when what he likely suffered from was not well understood and when there weren’t treatments for his struggles like there are today. This provides yet more reason for compassion and mercy. He may have been terribly stuck in what Jay Stringer describes as a “a predictable, pernicious cycle that traps the soul” (Unwanted 86). Even today, it can be very difficult for people with tough cases of sexual compulsion to access the resources they need to recover. Effective treatments and therapy with specialists can be hard to come by and expensive.

Having reasonable, reality-based, and more in-depth explanations for what happened may help us establish a thoughtful middle ground where we can have more grace toward whatever may be good and well-intentioned about the Church and its history (and I mean this, whatever our relationship with the Church is, and whether we’re interested in treating Joseph as a prophet), while also differentiating from the traditional narratives about plural marriage (and other aspects of the Church it has negatively influenced) in more fully developed and emotionally intelligent ways. Whether we are interested in having faith in the tradition and/or practicing to some level or not, compassionate, non-dualistic thinking can help us grow, heal, and become better mentors and leaders to others.

The basic framework for understanding what happened that I have suggested may help us hold seeming contraries together without having to discard them or draw oversimplified conclusions. It can make space for what is beautiful, mysterious, and possibly genuinely spiritual about Joseph’s life and the early Church, while also accounting for what was ugly, abusive, deceitful, and dark. As Richard Rohr writes in The Tears of Things, when we learn to hold such seemingly irreconcilable things in human nature and history all together at once without forcing a resolution, this sets the stage for us grow, mature and transform. “The secret,” he writes, “is to hold the different ingredients together without seeking an answer, a goal, an outcome, a product, or a judgment. Let them marinate together…” A patient, “quiet allowing” of what is may be counterintuitive, but through it we grow and access greater sensitivity, wisdom, and grace (110-112).

In this process, we may even discover clues as to how the seemingly irreconcilable aspects of Joseph’s life may be connected. For example, the beautiful experiences from Joseph’s childhood may have contributed to whatever incidents wounded him. Perhaps such emotional damage is hard for people with prophetic gifts to avoid in an often cruel and broken world.

Another strength of the perspective I’ve suggested it that it is an attempt at utter honesty and realism in answer to some of the tough questions at hand. Richard Rohr writes: “Idealists often cannot or will not see this, but prophets are not idealists. They are truth-tellers and utter realists” (The Tears of Things 144). While I can’t know for certain that the theory I’ve shared is the truth, and it’s surely imperfect and incomplete, it is the most honest and realistic explanation for why Mormon plural marriage came about that I have come across. I actually did not come up with this reinterpretation myself. I learned it from Mormon women who are married to men who suffer from sexual brokenness. They noticed patterns in the history that reminded them of their lived experiences and insights from study and therapy. When they exposed me to their ideas, I had the sensation of hearing the truth about Mormon polygamy for the first time in my life. It was the first time after decades of prayer and struggle and pain about this topic that a perspective of polygamy spoke to my soul.

It may take time to study, understand, and internalize, esp. if you haven’t witnessed how these things can happen close up in real life close up or don’t have such patterns of struggle and wounding in your own family (which many of us do), but this kind of reality-based, honest approach might just be what we need to moved forward, heal, and grow.

This version of the story may impart wisdom and understanding about the human condition and psychology we can all benefit from. These kinds of wounds and problems are common and useful to know about. Learning about them may help us gain self-awareness on various levels–of ourselves, our family members and extended families, and the Church.

It may also lead us to interesting and useful questions, such as Why and how does God work through broken people? How can ordinary members of the Church prevent, resist, and recover from ecclesiastical abuses of power? In what ways is the Church still caught up in Joseph’s deluded and self-justifying addictive thinking? What can we do to escape any traps of such thinking we have inherited?

This reinterpretation may also help us accept and process the tragic quality of what happened. Rohr writes: “The nontragic sense of life gives easy and quick comfort…In the end, though, it does not really help, because it does not speak truthfully to the soul…[S]uch classic dualistic thinking relies on a rather complete denial of what it does not wish to see.” The wounds Joseph Smith suffered from and the destructive path he took as they flared up and festered were tragic, especially in light of his potential and the positive qualities he had. According to Rohr’s approach to religious messiness and perplexity, we need to look at what we’ve been turning away from, and let our outrage and division evolve into tears and healing grief.

Jay Stringer writes: “Our desire to honor others is often a smoke screen that keeps us from entertaining heartache. It is a brilliant and tragic maneuver we have all learned to make. We swerve to protect others so that we do not have to face the implications of what their harm has brought. What if all of this were not so? What if you could live where the streams of honesty and honor converge?” He is talking about dealing parents and grandparents who were great people we want to honor, but who also abused us and passed down their woundedness and deep-seated shame. In our case, Joseph Smith is like the abusive great grandfather whose sexual compulsion and self-deception has done great harm to an immense extended family. We may not like to talk about how our favorite, even prophetic Grandpa was sick and hurtful and acted selfish and deluded in addition to being someone we admire and appreciate for some good reasons, but we need to learn to do both at once if we want really want to grow up spiritually. Stringer advises: “May you enter your story with [both] honor and honesty” (Unwanted 24).

Joseph probably did not at all reach his potential as a prophet. He died before he even really reached middle age. Toward the end of his life, according to some accounts, he bizarrely talked of little except plural marriage (In Sacred Loneliness 23). Addictive thinking, which is devoid of any spiritual value (see Addictive Thinking 107-10), had come to cloud his mind and heart, and to move him away from his trajectory of achieving a more mature or transcendent vision of God, humanity, and life. While his fall into delusion and sin need not be cause to dismiss and reject his revelations or prophetic call, unlike him, we should keep growing and expanding into greater spiritual and emotional maturity and healing. While the framework Joseph offered us can be a great jumping off point in many ways (minus plural marriage and its fallout, especially unrighteous traditions of obeying leaders even when it doesn’t feel right), faith and spirituality have so much more to offer us than what he managed to gather during his short and adverse lifetime.

Recommended Reading/Bibliography:

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer

Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception by Abraham J. Twerski

Mormon Enigma (1994 ed.) by Linda King Newell and Valeen Tippetts Avery

The Tears of Things by Richard Rohr

The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy by Carol Lynn Pearson

Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stephanie Carnes

In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith by Todd Compton 

For another retelling of Joseph Smith’s plural marriage history by me, see:

Comparing the Nightmare Before Christmas and the Nightmare of Joseph Smith’s Polygamy: Part 1, and

Comparing the Nightmare Before Christmas and the Nightmare of Joseph Smith’s Polygamy: Part 2

Other posts in which I engage my perspective and personal experience with Joseph Smith’s plural marriages and abuses of power:

Mr. Reed from Heretic is Right: Polygamy is Mormonism’s Biggest Problem

The Newest Superman is a foil to Joseph Smith, and Reminds me of Nuanced and Post-Mormons

Sovereign God and Sovereign Prophets: Mormonism’s Theologically Unwarranted Stumbling Blocks

On the Powerful, Sacred, Redemptive Work of Mormon Feminist Writing

Feature image of Joseph Smith is public domain and downloaded from Wikimedia.

A huge thank you to all of our recent donors! The current blog fundraiser has now met the blogger’s goal of $10,000 in donations. Sending our love and appreciation to all who contributed!

Guest Post: “Lord, To Whom Shall We Go?”: Latter-day Saint Women and the Rehabilitation of Heavenly Mother – Part 2

Guest Post By Paige

This is the second in a three part series about Heavenly Mother. Part 1 was published last Sunday and Part 3 will be published next Sunday.

Part Two: Toward a Queer Theology of the Divine: Reflections on Rethinking GodReimagining Her Role

In the first section of this reflection, I explored how the institutional language of motherhood and priesthood fails to account for the lived realities of many Latter-day Saint women. As I sat with the inequalities in this motherhood-priesthood framework, I reflected on what other visions of divinity could look like.

As someone outside of the Church, I obviously don’t come to this conversation with the same covenants or doctrinal obligations. But I do share in a larger human desire: to see the divine reflect the fullness of human experience. That’s why I’m drawn to the growing body of work by Mormon feminists and queer thinkers who are asking not only who Heavenly Mother is—but how big she might be allowed to become. In this section, I turn to those who are imagining queerness, complexity, and fluidity as sacred.

In Rethinking Mormonism’s Heavenly Mother, Petrey suggests that Heavenly Mother, in breaking down the homogeneity of the male godhead signifies a fluidity in identity instead of any single identity. He refers to Judith Butler, who offers that “the category of women does not become useless through deconstruction, but becomes one whose uses are no longer reified as ‘referents,’ and which stand a chance of being opened up, indeed, of coming to signify in ways that none of us can predict in advance.”1

Petrey notes “The opening up of the categories of women and men, through the opening up of Mormon theology, is a basis for unpredictable forms of subjectivity or, at the very least, a basis for those forms of subjectivity that already exist.” 2 It is these subjectivities that contemporary Latter-day Saint Women explore in their reimaginings of Heavenly Mother.

In 2015, Utah-based LDS artist Caitlin Connolly was commissioned by authors McArthur Krishna and Bethany Brady Spalding to create an image for the cover of a new children’s book titled Our Heavenly Family Our Earthly Families. The initial sketch and eventual large-scale painting features two prominent figures on top, representing a Heavenly Father and seemingly pregnant Heavenly Mother. Making up the Heavenly Parents’ bodies and cascading down to the bottom of the painting are hundreds of people of a variety of ages, races, and genders. Connolly eventually titled the painting In Their Image. After sending initial sketches to Deseret Book, Connolly was notified that her sketches could not be approved. Deseret Book explained that this was because of the physical representation of Heavenly Mother.

In the At Last She Said It podcast, Connolly shares that following that year’s General Conference, in which Elder Jeffrey Holland referenced Heavenly Mother, and the following doctrinal essay on her published by the Church, Connolly’s sketch suddenly became approved by Deseret Book.3 During her work, Connolly was approached by a collector for the LDS Church Museum, and the larger-scale painting was purchased for the Church. After sitting in storage for almost two years due to hesitation from Church leaders, the painting was finally displayed at the Museum in Salt Lake City, where it remains today, although accompanied by a display card scripted by the Church, asserting the work as a portrayal, not of Heavenly Mother, but a pair of eternal companions looking down on their progeny.

In describing the painting and reactions amongst the Church community, Connolly explains “It’s a conversation about a divine mother we’ve been missing, and daring to bring into existence for ourselves. I have found that what I am trying to learn about womanhood…and the divine feminine…has come through women [and] will continue to. If we are brave enough to get uncomfortable and do that work.” 4 Connolly’s experience with In Their Image exemplifies how institutional control over sacred imagery reinforces LDS gender norms, restricting representations of the divine feminine that are seen as defiant of Church agenda.

To Be Made in Their Image: Rethinking Gender and Sexuality

In January 2025, Caitlin Connolly shared her desire to renew the painting and asked her audience for critiques. The messages in response reveal the ways in which contemporary Mormons still find traditional representations of Heavenly Mother problematic. One commenter shares “I don’t want to be eternally pregnant…So I hope my heavenly mother isn’t.”5

Comments regarding pregnancy were one of the most common responses. Another commenter asks “What if God isn’t a straight mother and father? What if God is bigger than what our imaginations can hold?”6 12

While revealing how traditional representations are problematic, these comments also showcase the ways in which rehabilitation of Heavenly Mother can carve out a more inclusive theology for Latter-day Saints.

Blaire Ostler expands on this idea by arguing that if humans are all made in the image of God, then God must be significantly larger than a heterosexual coupling. Ostler asserts that her “observation that we fashion gods in our image is not an affront but an invitation for LGBTQ+ Saints, Saints of color, single Saints, infertile Saints, and disabled Saints to tell the story of God too. We are all made in the image of God and thus, as believers of Mormon theology, are called to champion the creation of gods as diverse as ourselves.” 7

She examines interpretations of Heavenly Mother and critiques them as incomplete and limited, and offers a more nuanced and individual understanding of Heavenly parents by examining the complexity of historical Mormon cosmology.

Ostler highlights the Mormon conception of God as “a community of generational beings. Godhood is not a one-time occurrence…we all have the potential to share in the same glory as our heavenly parents…We are all made in the image of God with the potential to join the endless network of gods above and partake of our heavenly inheritance. Our theology is so much grander than a single Heavenly Father or Mother. God is expansive, dynamic, generational, and endless. Yet at the same time, God is as familial, personal, and physical as a great-grandparent or great-grandchild.” 8

If theosis, or the process of becoming gods, is at the core of LDS religion then it is not a dishonor to God to emulate them. Ostler notes “queer folksin no way dishonor God when we emulate and worship them in our works, worship, and
theology. Quite the opposite—it’s a manifestation of our highest respect, faith, works, and reverence.”9

Paige is a Religion, German, and American Studies student looking to pursue Divinity school following her undergrad. She is a non-member, but has found much joy in Mormon Studies and has developed a meaningful relationship with the Church through both her studies and personal explorations. She is deeply passionate about Interfaith work, Bible literacy, and napping on the beach.

Butler, Judith as cited in Petrey, Taylor G. “Rethinking Mormonism’s Heavenly Mother.” Harvard Theological Review 109, no. 3 (July 2016): 315–41. https://doi.org/10.1017/s001781601600.... pp. 27-28 ↩︎Petrey, Taylor G. “Rethinking Mormonism’s Heavenly Mother.” Harvard Theological Review 109, no. 3 (July 2016): 315–41. https://doi.org/10.1017/s001781601600.... pp. 27-28 ↩︎“In Their Image–A Conversation with Caitlin Connolly.” Podcast Episode. At Last She Said It no. 92, 2022. ↩︎“In Their Image–A Conversation with Caitlin Connolly.” ↩︎Connolly, Caitlin @caitlinconnollystudio. “��T�� _ACT����” [Highlight]. Instagram. January 2
https://www.instagram.com/stories/hig... ↩︎Connolly, Caitlin @caitlinconnollystudio. “��T�� _ACT� ↩︎Ostler, Blaire. “I Am a Child of Gods.” Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought 55, no. 1 (April 1, 2022): 99–118.
https://doi.org/10.5406/15549399.55.1.04. pp. 106 ↩︎Ostler, Blaire. “I Am a Child of Gods.” pp. 111 ↩︎Ostler, Blaire. “I Am a Child of Gods.” pp. 110 ↩︎

Sacred Music Sunday: Bread of Life, Living Water

I’m still learning the new hymns from the new hymnal. As each new batch has been released, the percentage of familiar hymns has gone steadily down. One hymn that was released early on that I hadn’t been familiar with is Bread of Life, Living Water.

The hymnal is a bit thin on sacrament hymns. As the ward music chair, I do the sacrament hymns on a rotation. We start at the end of the list and work backward until we reach the beginning and then repeat. Each sacrament hymn gets sung 3-4 times per year. I added the new ones into the rotation, and I really like this one.

I’m coming to a close on my second stint as ward music chair (I’ve been told I’ll be released next week). The musical bench is thinning in my ward, so I suspect I’ll still be conducting the music from time to time. It’s been enjoyable to be in this calling during the roll-out of the new hymnal.

Guest Post: To the Women Who Fake It

Guest Post by Megan Lloyd

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon 3 disturbing comments in an LDS-related Facebook group where several women openly admitted to faking pleasure during sex. The vulnerability was striking, but even more so was the familiar pattern it revealed: how many of us learned to perform, to please, and to silence our own needs in order to be good, to belong, or to simply keep the peace.

Their words echoed something deeper, specifically how often women are conditioned to contort themselves not just in bed, but in belief, in relationships, and in daily life.

In the group, one woman asked, “How many of you still pretend to like sex? Is it just me?” The replies were heartbreaking. One even said, “A happy husband is better than fulfilling sex.”

That same day, another woman lamented that her husband asked her to be more passionate, just two months after giving birth. The comments were full of men who had an endless supply of tips to spice things up, with no mention of her pain, her healing, or her humanity.

These aren’t rare stories. And maybe that’s what hurts the most. Or maybe it’s because I know a different kind of love – one rooted in mutual care, real consent, and deep emotional safety.

The deeper ache comes from recognizing this dynamic is not just about individual men or even culture. It’s forged in the perfect storm of high-demand religious messaging. A system that tells women to be desirable, but never overtly sexy; to satisfy their husbands, but put their own needs last; to stay meek and humble, rather than risk using their voice.

Messages like this feed into that storm:

“The husband, the holder of the household, is established this day in this marriage covenant as the head of the family and the breadwinner. It may be hard for you to recognize this role, young lady, but your happiness is conditioned upon it.” (Boyd K. Packer) *

“If you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” (Dallin H. Oaks) **

“We need your voices… Now don’t talk too much in those council meetings, just straighten the brethren out quickly and move the work on.” (M. Russell Ballard) ***

“You beautiful girls, don’t wander around looking like men. Put on a little lipstick now and then and look a little charming. It’s that simple. I don’t know why we make this whole process so hard”. (M. Russell Ballard) ****

It’s messages like these that confuse the sacred companionship that is possible in partnership. Instead, these teachings breed shame, self-erasure, distrust of our bodies, and a disconnect with ourselves and our romantic partners.

It’s all of it combined: system, culture, and doctrine teaching women to suppress and put themselves last.

After reading these 3 Facebook comments, I did what I do and processed by writing. I wrote this poem for every woman who’s ever faked it just to keep the peace. I desperately want you to know: you deserve better.

To Women Who Fake It

A love letter to women who deserve more

I don’t fake it.
But I know why so many do.

You might fake it –
not because you’re wrong to do so –
but because no one ever asked
what you needed to come alive.

They asked you to moan,
but not to feel.
To spread your thighs,
but not your soul.
To be his fantasy,
but never your own.

They trained you to perform divinity,
but never to embody it.
And so your body became
a stage,
a duty,
a bargain.

They called it sacrifice.
They said it made you holy.
But what it made you was
invisible.

The prophets and popes,
the bishops and fathers,
spoke of “virtue”
and called it your divine role
to serve, to submit, to smile.

They shamed your desire,
feared your knowing,
and buried your voice beneath
a thousand modesty lessons.

They taught you to protect the priesthood
and preserve the marriage
by offering your body
like bread and wine
at the altar of peacekeeping.

So you faked it.
Not because you are deceitful –
but because the truth
was never safe enough to say out loud.

Because when you said no,
he pouted.
Or punished.
Or disappeared into silence
until guilt became your foreplay.

And I ache for you.
Because I’ve tasted something different.
And I want you to know –
this isn’t all there is.

You were not made
to disappear in your own skin.
You were not created
for his satisfaction alone.

Your body,
divine as it is,
bears a holy rebellion:
a clitoris –
whose only function
is pleasure.
YOUR pleasure.

Can we sit with that?
The very design of your flesh
is unmeasurable joy.

And the great irony?
By caging the woman,
they caged their own pleasure too.
Because the wild, whole woman –
the one who knows her body
and isn’t afraid to love from the marrow –
she’s the one who says hell yes
with her eyes, her hips, her breath,
not because she must,
but because she wants to.

But he’ll never taste her,
not truly,
while demanding obedience over openness.
He built the box.
Then handed it to her.
“This is where you belong.”
And so he lies beside her
never knowing
what he could have had.

And still they told you,
“Women don’t need sex like men do.”
No, sister.
We do.
We crave it –
when it is safe,
when it is mutual,
when it is real.

I know this, because I live it.
My husband doesn’t demand my passion –
I give it to him freely
because he cares more for my heart
than for my body’s availability.

He prioritizes my pleasure
as much as his own.
Not out of duty –
but out of devotion.

He asks if I got there.
Then asks again –
because he wants to know.

He studies my body
like scripture.
He doesn’t rush me
to his climax.
He waits –
sometimes setting his own desire aside
just to bring mine to the surface.

When I birth a child, he holds space
for blood and tears
and the slow unwinding of my body.
He asks if I’m ready –
and believes me when I say I’m not.

He listens when I speak
even if it’s hard.
Even if it’s different from what he feels.
He holds my “no” with honor
and receives my “yes” with reverence.

I feel safe in his presence,
not because I’m never vulnerable,
but because I can be.

Our sex is passionate –
not because it’s expected,
but because it’s true.
We share the weight of the world –
parenting, dishes, decision-making –
so I don’t arrive at the bedroom
already emptied.

And still,
our passion is full.
Because our intimacy begins in the heart,
long before it touches the skin.

You were never meant
to bear this alone.
To confuse duty with desire.
To barter your body
for peace in your marriage.

So here, let me say it plainly:
You deserve to know your own body.
You deserve to say no without fear.
You deserve to be cherished, not endured.
You deserve a love that sees you
and never asks you to disappear.

This isn’t all there is.
There is more.
It starts with you –
reclaiming your body,
your breath,
your rhythm,
and the wholeness
no man can give
because it was never his to offer.

You were always whole.
You just needed to come home
to you.

And damn,
that is divine.

Sources:

*(That All May Be Edified, Boyd K. Packer, p230, pub. 1982. https://deseretbook.com/p/all-may-edified-plans-building-spirituality-boyd-k-packer-4204?variant_id=106457-paperback)
**(Pornography, Dallin H. Oaks, General Conference, April 2005; lds.org)
***(Boyd K. Packer, Europe Area Sisters Meeting, September 2014)
**** (October 2015 devotional to young single adults, Elder M. Russell Ballard)

Megan is a mom of three in a thriving mixed-faith marriage, where life is messy, magical, and a touch of mayhem. “Mom” is her most sacred title, but not the only one she answers to. By day, she works as a Web Designer and Online Business Manager; by heart, she writes, mostly to reclaim the voice she spent years tucking away. Psychology fascinates her, ice cream regularly seduces her, and she loves exploring the world through a feminist, social justice lens that helps her feel more connected to our shared humanity. Visit www.damnthatsdivine.com to read more of Megan’s work.

Finding Hope in Pain

“Faith”

“Love”

“Hope”

“Family”

“Community”

“A story of redemption”

These were words used by parents and dancers at my daughter’s Christian dance studio to describe the meaning of their annual production of the Adventures in Narnia. For 23 years, kids across the city have come together to tell the story of the four children who found the land of Narnia through the wardrobe and learned to trust a savior as they also learned to distinguish good from evil. There wasn’t a dry eye in the meeting (except for maybe my husband’s 😉) as this dance community described their love for the show.

This year my daughter will play Mr. Beaver. But she will be the last Mr. Beaver. After 23 years the show is coming to a close. 

(not an important part of what I’m writing, but for the curious: apparently Netflix bought the rights to the story, so the little foundation in the UK who normally gives this tiny dance studio permission to perform this no longer has the ability to do that and they have little hope in Netflix giving them permission)

As the dance studio decides on a show to replace their annual production of Narnia, they want to uplift the core values these dancers and parents discussed. The new show will be a story of redemption, a place where the dancers find family, a moment to build their faith and the faith of the audience members, and a place of hope, love, and community. 

I don’t dance. I’ve got no rhythm and can’t even follow the beat when a step aerobics or Zumba teacher is standing in front of me shouting it into a microphone. If I’m being honest, I’m not really sure the appeal and sometimes I struggle to understand why my daughter loves it so much. 

But I value the beauty of it. Each year when I watch Narnia, my eyes weep as I see the story of redemption unfold on the stage in front of me. 

Since that information meeting, I have been thinking about those values and the beauty in them. Where else do I feel that beauty? Where else could I feel that beauty? Do I have anywhere else I can look for that beauty?

I’ve been sad lately. We’re just over halfway done with the year, yet 2025 has already been extremely rough globally, professionally, and personally. 

As I’m writing this, Trump is meeting with Putin to “end the war” with potentially no regard for the sovereign nation that was overtaken by Putin.



As I’m writing this, Israel is planning to overtake Gaza.



As I’m writing this, I’m worried about global health priorities and the US’s refusal to be a part of the World Health Organization.



As I’m writing this, I’m worried about climate change and the US’s decision to regulate less.



As I’m writing this, I’m worried about the future of science due to the sudden changes in government grants.



As I’m writing this, I’m dealing with the impending implosion of my research job due to these same sudden changes in government grants.



As I’m writing this, I’m worried about my own future (do I need a career change?) but also the future of humans. I do social science research where I look for ways to better support people. But supporting people is no longer a priority of the US.

And that’s just scratching the surface of all my worries. I could go on for pages of bullet points, but I think it’s enough to simply say “I’m worried.”

During this rough year, questions swirl my mind:

How do I find hope? 
How do I feel a story of redemption? 
How do I find a community of love and family?
How can I build my faith even when my faith in humanity feels so bleak?

Perhaps it comes to my hope?

I hope there’s a God who loves me for who I am and I’m hoping I have a Savior who understands my every pain. 

And I hope that Savior understands my worries. I hope that God hears me when I pray:

When I pray hoping I can figure out a career where my talents are used to bless others lives even when I worry that the US government is taking my current career away from me



When I pray hoping I can always enjoy the fresh air outside even though I’m terrified we’re not doing enough to keep that air fresh



When I pray hoping that with my kids and my husband we feel love inside our home even when turning on the news shows wars void of love



When I pray hoping there is good in humanity, even when I fear there’s not

Are some of these hopes merely wishes? Maybe.

Is that okay? I hope so.

So I sit here. 

Hoping. Wishing. Hoping.

As I think about my faith. My love.

Wishing. Hoping. Wishing.

As I immerse myself in a community that cares.

Hoping. Wishing. Hoping.

Hoping for a story of redemption for myself, for my community, for the world. Wishing for places to find it.

Where do you find hope?

***********************************************************************************************

PS- Last month I also wrote about hope and trying to find it in hard times. So, if you want more, check that out here: https://exponentii.org/blog/a-dim-lig...

PPS- I chose the picture because I liked the juxtaposition of thinking about hope even in a pile of rocks. Art courtesy of Nick Fewings on Unsplash.

“He Who Presides Decides?”

I was recently speaking with a member of my bishopric about an upcoming sacrament meeting. I am the ward music leader and we are trying to highlight the power of music and some of the new hymns. He said, “You can choose how to do it. But when in doubt, ask the bishop, because he who presides decides.” I have not been able to get that phrase out of my head since then. 

Does Anyone Really Understand What it Means to Preside? 

When I ask “Does anyone really understand what it means to preside?” I do not mean, “can anyone provide me with a dictionary definition of presiding?” I mean, “what does it look like to preside? How is presiding different from leading or deciding?” 

Before I wrote this blog post, I read a lot about presiding, because I thought I may just be misunderstanding something. Reading quotes and conference talks and the handbook did not clarify anything. 

For example, this LDSLiving Article differentiates that women can lead under the presiding keys of leadership in the area, while not holding the keys themselves. In giving the example of a husband and wife teaching a primary class, the author explains, “The priesthood is not a man, and since both the man and the woman in this case have priesthood authority through one who holds priesthood keys of presidency, they both preside in the class.” To me, this sounds like women can preside (or at least co-preside) in meetings where they have been given stewardship. 

Similarly, in 2012, Julie B. Beck explained that “The formation of a presidency is also a priesthood pattern…To preside means to stand guard, to superintend, and to lead. This means that Relief Society and quorum leaders in a ward carry the responsibility to supervise, oversee, and regulate the work of the Relief Society and the quorums on behalf of the bishop.” Again, this seems to say that Relief Society Presidents can preside over their callings. 

Both of these articles seem to suggest that a bishop can delegate the responsibility to preside, not that it belongs solely to him. 

However, this Church manual explains that “The Lord has assigned to men the chief responsibility for the governing and presiding over the affairs of the Church and the family.” This, to me, seems to plainly say that women do not preside in the Church or family, whether instructed to by the bishop or not. 

In 2022, President Dallin H. Oaks spoke to a special women’s session of General Conference. He explained that women would be conducting the session, under the direction of the First Presidency. While this opened the door for women to conduct more general meetings, he seemed to separate the role of conducting the meeting from that of presiding over the meeting. His usage of “direction of the First Presidency” also suggests that the decisions made were all made by the First Presidency, while the female leaders were allowed to share them and implement them. 

All of this left me confused about what it even means to preside. Is it as simple as my bishop’s counselor said, “he who presides decides?” Does presiding just mean deciding? 

He Who Presides Decides

Even if we could come to a simple definition of presiding, I still found myself itchy after my bishopric member told me “He who presides decides.” It’s like in the Lego Movie, “All this is true, because it rhymes.” 

But if we assume this is true, it really is only “he” who presides. It won’t be “she” (even though that rhymes). Simplifying the definition of presiding to “making all of the decisions about meetings” and placing that in the hands of men pushes women out of the decision-making process. 

It comes dangerously close to conflating presiding with masculinity. It could lead some to suggest that he presides, because he is a man and she does not preside, because she is a woman. That is a gross over-simplification, but I think many members default to this thinking. 

That is part of what made it itchy to me. Though I am the ward music leader and have spent countless hours dedicated to the study of music and countless more hours dedicated to music in the Church, the bishop gets the final say because he presides. And because I am a woman, I never get that final say. 

What About Counseling?- We Who Provide Decide

Aside from it being only men who get to decide, I also struggle with the phrase “he who presides decides,” because it is incredibly inefficient and leads to decisions being made by the ill-informed.

I believe the Church recognizes that bishops are left with hundreds of decisions to make each week, because they preside over the ward. The Church encourages ward councils to share knowledge with each other to help the bishop make good decisions. On a macro level, this is good. There are representatives to help the bishop make large decisions with as much information as possible. For example, M. Russell Ballard, shared the story of a bishop who did not know how to help a family in his ward. Once he opened himself to ideas from the ward council, especially the Relief Society president, the group created many ideas and a concrete plan. 

Think of the ideas that bishops are missing out on when they decide “I preside, so I decide.” They may very well be missing out on revelation that could help both them and the ward. That does not even mention that “He who presides decides” starts to stink of unrighteous dominion. 

Furthermore, if bishops are the ones who preside over the ward, there are too many decisions for one man to make, especially if they are to be done mindfully. This is why there are so many people with callings! So, bishops need to delegate the deciding.

Rather than he who presides deciding, I propose that we, the people providing services, decide. Especially on decisions that pertain directly to our callings. Music leaders make all decisions about music: they do not need to receive approval. The primary president decides what is best for the primary and delegates accordingly. Young Women’s leaders can lead their classes. 

If there are concerns about general policies, is that not exactly what the handbook is for? (Though that is, as far as I can tell, also decided by they (masculine), who preside). 

Let Bishops Go Home and Let Women Lead

I am not suggesting that we do away with bishops entirely. Rather, I am suggesting that we take them off of the presiding pedestal and share the decision making power. Encourage true counseling and delegation. Empower all of the leaders in a ward to make their own decisions and stand by them. This leaves bishops with more time with their families and it lets women lead with true leadership and priesthood power. 

That doesn’t rhyme, though. 

Guest Post: When mission rules become abuse

Guest Post by M.

The following is a copy of a letter the author sent to the Brazil Area Seventy regarding abuse in a Brazilian Mission. The Exponent II blog team has decided not to publish the name of the mission or the name of the mission president.

To the Brazil Area Presidency,

I am writing to you because I am seriously concerned about the behavior of Mission President ______ ______, who presides over the _________ Brazil Mission. As a trained therapist, I know how to recognize abuse. I have also read the Church’s teachings on abuse as are available on the Church website, and these teachings are in line with my professional training. Based on my training and the definitions provided by the Church, I believe him to be engaging in abusive, negligent, and otherwise toxic behavior. Not only are the behaviors and actions in question generally inappropriate and harmful, but they are also the antithesis of the Christ-like leadership one would expect of a Mission President for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For this reason, I am writing to you to make you aware of these behaviors.

As someone who has read the Book of Mormon multiple times in two languages, I feel I have a duty as taught by Jesus Christ to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. This is how I am fulfilling that duty. My hope is that after reading this letter, you too will feel compelled by the Spirit to take action to protect the precious and valiant Sisters and Elders who are suffering the effects of this deplorable behavior.

The following information has been relayed to me by a source that I wish to keep private. President ______ has a history of retaliating against missionaries who confide in outside sources such as their parents, friends, or church leaders. He retaliates with verbal threats of being sent home, verbal reprimand for talking to people about him, and/or punishing them through punitive measures such as sending missionaries to isolated regions or withholding money or help. Because of this history of punishing those who speak out, I will not be disclosing the names or other identifying information about the missionaries from whom these stories come.

The following is a short list of the concerning behaviors:

A returned missionary reported that they came home from their full-time mission traumatized because of President ________ and how he runs the mission. For example, they said he requested that they spy on one another and report to him about any “bad” behavior. They said the pressure to spy and tell on each other was so overwhelming that there was a cloud of darkness over the whole mission. This missionary also reported that President ______ once reprimanded them for doing something that was not previously classified as against mission rules- instead, he created the rule on the spot in order to justify his anger and contempt towards them. This is just one example of how he has set up a system of fear and distrust amongst the missionaries.

He also shows up unexpectedly to do interviews in which he asks the missionaries to tell on one another, and he threatens missionaries with being transferred to remote areas or other “punishments” if they do not gossip about their companion.

Another missionary was told that unless they spied on and told the President all the “bad” things their companion was doing, he would send that missionary home. When the missionary assured President _______ that their companion was indeed obedient and faithful, the President accused them of lying and again threatened the missionary that he would send them home. He also told the missionary that they would never be a senior companion (despite being out for over a year) until this missionary complied and made up bad things to say about their companion. It has gotten to the point that the missionaries are too afraid to even talk to one another about anything because they feel they cannot trust their companions to not offer up what they say to the President as a way to avoid his arbitrary penalties.

Another missionary reported that for three weeks in a row, they wrote to President ______ begging him for help because their companion was verbally and physically abusing them. The companion refused to train this missionary, threw things at them, yelled at them, gaslit them, and even threatened their life. Despite all of this being reported to President _______ in the weekly letters, he did not offer any help to this poor missionary. Even when this missionary reached out to the President through their fellow missionaries in leadership roles, their pleas for succor were ignored or dismissed. When this missionary finally turned to their parents for help with the situation, President _______ reprimanded the missionary for talking to their parents about what was going on.

There was another missionary who President _____ wanted to send home. Not for egregious disobedience, or even minor disobedience, but because the President simply did not like the missionary. But this missionary desperately wanted to continue faithfully serving the Lord, and refused to go home. In retribution, President _____ deactivated their money card so they were unable to buy food. Eventually, this missionary ran out of food and was forced to leave a mission that they sincerely wanted to serve.

President ______ commands the missionaries that they must not speak with their parents about him or any of the issues within the mission. He has directly told them, “You are not to talk to your parents about your mission. You must talk to me. I am your father now.” This quote comes from several sources. Anytime a missionary is experiencing difficulties, they are told that they must not inform their parents of their struggles or concerns under threat of punishment.

This lack of communication goes for the parents as well. Whenever parents attempt to contact the President about their children, there is no communication from the mission office.

They are told they can only send one email a week and may not respond to any family or friends who email them.

They are forbidden from doing any kind of service for members and new friends without his permission (which he never gives).

The missionaries must remain isolated from one another and may not socialize or converse with the fellow missionaries within their districts on P-days.

I had an amazing Mission President when I served my own full-time mission, and his kindness made my mission the wonderful experience that it was. Because I served a mission, I know that President _____’s actions are, at a minimum, absurd. I wish I could say that they are only absurd, but in fact, they are also abuse tactics meant to keep the missionaries living in isolation and fear and under President _______’s control. I find his actions deplorable, and I will not stand back and watch these missionaries experience abuse at the hands of someone called to guide, love, and serve them.

Sincerely,

  

M is an avid believer in justice, divine femininity, and sweet treats. She was raised in the Church outside of Utah, but has now lived in Utah for the last 10 years after graduating BYU.