Exponent II's Blog, page 101

Sacred Music Sunday: From Homes of Saints Glad Songs Arise

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I find most of the hymns in the hymnal about home and family to be narrow and reductive – only one kind of home is contemplated, and it isn’t mine. It’s a father employed in a white-collar job, a mother who is not employed, and a house full of smiling children. It’s not a single person who has to bring home the bacon and fry it up. It’s not the teenage convert whose parents don’t attend church. It’s not the part-member family. It’s not the group of roommates. It’s not the widow or the divorcee.

I love the hymn From Homes of Saints Glad Songs Arise because it avoids this trap. The whole song is about what goes on in a righteous home, and not once in the hymn is a reference to the number of people in the home, the relationship of those people, their gender, marital status, professions, or any other irrelevant factor.

Anyone can have a saintly home if they follow the example laid out in the hymn. In the home of a saint:

The Lord is King.Prayers ascend.The scriptures are loved.Hymns of praise are sung.

The smiling nuclear family on the cover of the Ensign can do this. But so can every other conceivable home and family arrangement. Because there’s no one way that the home of a saint looks.

Can we talk about doubts?

Quick backstory before I jump into the main story: I finished a PhD at the University of Oregon in June where parking was a mess. It was expensive and even if you paid for a pass, you often couldn’t find a spot if you got there after 8am. I rode my bike the 4 miles to campus for over a year, but after being hit by a car on my way, I was too scared to get back on my bike. So my solution was to take an institute class each quarter where they gave you a free pass in exchange for your enrollment/attendance. So that’s why I’m 35 years old and found myself in institute classes each term.

One day in institute the lesson turned to “doubts” and the class discussed how important it is to talk about your doubts with believers – rather than other doubters. Russell M Nelson’s talk was quoted where he says, “Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with other doubters.” Class members discussed how important it is to create a safe space where people can discuss their doubts at church so they aren’t rehearsing them with other doubters.

Fast forward to the next week when the institute teacher asked the class whether we’d like to have a whole term on the topic of something like “Recent General Conference Talks.” As the class discussed the excitement of the prospect, I stayed silent. Then the teacher asked me specifically, “Miriam, what do you think? Would you take that class?”

I took a deep breath. Here was my chance to express my doubts in this “safe space” we’d discussed needing. So I went for it, “Well, I have a hard time with watching General Conference because it’s hard for me to spend a whole weekend watching mostly white men speak and not feel like there is inequality in the church.” 

I’m not sure what I was hoping for in that moment. I guess I wanted everyone to validate my feelings and for it to honestly feel like a safe space. 

Instead it was … a fumble. 

The teacher was clearly taken aback, but did at least mention that he’d try to make an effort to focus on women’s voices too. It wasn’t the worst outcome it could have been. But it also could have been better.

So here’s what I’ve decided (and perhaps this is a completely masochistic decision): but I’m going to keep expressing doubts in church meetings where that’s been traditionally uncommon. I’m hoping to change those traditions – perhaps maybe one of those fumbles can turn into a complete pass. I want to create safe spaces where I can express doubts – but where I can also listen to other people express doubts. 

This Tweet by Rev. Dr. Jacqui Lewis really spoke to me:

The Mormon culture is so obsessed by certainty. I’m going to take Rev. Dr. Jacqui Lewis’s advice and lean into doubt and be that verb. And I’m going to create spaces where others can see that I’ll be there for them.

Have you tried creating these safe spaces in your wards and branches? How many fumbles have there been so far? Any complete passes? Even 1 (crossing fingers I’ll get to hear about 1)?

Parents Teach, Children Decide

Someone once described parenting to me like blowing as hard as you can on a cannonball that has already launched in an effort to make it change course. Now that I am a mother, I can understand that comment much better. Despite our tireless efforts as parents (as in other aspects of life), so much seems out of our control. In many ways, that is an extraordinary and magical thing. Why should my child be just like me or my husband? If I only wanted to stare at a copy of myself, I would’ve looked in a mirror and not gone through the trouble of creating a new, precious, mysterious, sometimes overwhelming life all my child’s own.

Of course, there is still plenty we not only can do but must do for our children whom we chose to bring into the world. Becoming a parent or caregiver of any child comes with many responsibilities: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. I’m no expert on these subjects, but a conversation I had with a friend who is also a mother to young children prompted me to write specifically about our obligation to meet the spiritual needs of our children.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” (Confession: this is one of the only parts of the document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” that I find bearable. If it added “caregivers” to parents and said “they” instead of specifying “husbands and wives–mothers and fathers” this segment would be pretty near perfect to me.)

But what does it mean to rear children in righteousness, to provide for their spiritual needs, and to observe the commandments of God? Parents who are members of the Church are instructed to teach their children “to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old” (D&C 68:25) and “to teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord” (D&C 68:28). It specifically does not say that parents must force their children to repent or to have faith or to get baptized at age eight or to pray. The Scriptures only say that children should be taught these things by parents who have knowledge of the Gospel and its blessings. The plain and simple message as I understand it is that good parents should not withhold knowledge of good things, things that can prevent much unnecessary heartache and that can lead to many blessings.

I believe the language is intentionally broad because the specifics will look different for every family. It is often misinterpreted to say that parents are accountable for their children’s sins when in reality it is only saying parents must teach their children what is good and true. I did not grow up in the Church, but I turned out just fine without Gospel teachings guiding me through childhood and adolescence. There are plenty of experiences I could have avoided had I known about and kept commandments at the time and certain things I went through that would have been less painful had I had a more eternal perspective, but like the vast majority of the global population I grew into a perfectly normal human being without being raised in the Church.

Because my parents were open about religion and left me free to choose, I was able to discover the Church on my own and join of my own free will as an adult. I don’t believe my faith today would be nearly as strong if I had been pressured to embrace it before I was ready. I am grateful for my family’s acceptance of diverse beliefs and my parents’ example of loving each other even when you passionately disagree on something as central to identity and life as religion. All, including little children, have the God-given right to choose and change and recalibrate their spiritual path and identity.

Once children are taught, it is up to them whether they want to follow their parents’ and the Church’s teachings. That is my own approach as a mother and active member of the Church married to a non-member: it is my responsibility to teach what I know but to respect my child’s choice whatever that may be and even if it changes over time. Both my husband and I grew up in mixed-faith families, and it is not the horror some who cannot imagine difference on something so fundamental make it out to be.

The Plan of Salvation always preserves the agency of God’s children, so why would we expect it to be any different for our children on Earth? I will never forget what a friend of mine and mother to multiple children once said to me: “I hate it when people post on social media from their kid’s baptism saying they’re proud of them for choosing to be baptized at age eight. They’re eight! We all know it’s not really a choice.”

As a convert who did not grow up in the Church and who was pleased to find our doctrine of baptism emphasizes free choice instead of infant baptism without consent, I was shocked. Surely, this friend didn’t mean it! But when I pushed back, the friend confided in me that all her children, though not yet of age, would not be permitted a choice. She would ensure they got baptized regardless of whether they wanted to or not. In her mind, as a lifelong and traditional member of the Church, that’s what good and faithful mothers do. I can’t blame her for having this perception when Church leaders and others repeat over and over that “salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter.”

Plenty of environmental messages reinforce this belief even further. How many times do we see an obituary where the virtue of a deceased person – usually a woman – is trumpeted by the continuing Church activity of her descendants? For example: “As a testament to her extraordinary faith and commitment to teaching the Gospel in the home, all seven children and twenty grandchildren are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and all the men have served full-time missions with honor.” It’s as if the personal religious choices of all of a woman’s family are solely a reflection of her own capacity as a mother and spiritual leader!

The corollary is that any chips or cracks in the veneer of family faithfulness to the Church are seen as a reflection on its matriarchs. That is simply too heavy a burden to place on one mortal woman, and it’s far beyond the obligations of parents simply to teach while respecting the agency of children as outlined in the Scriptures. I cannot count the number of times friends of mine who are mothers have expressed heartbreaking shame or guilt over the inactivity of children or other family members. It leads to greater suffering as many parents, caregivers, and others wrestle with the idea of a “Sad Heaven.”

Some lament that if only they had been more consistent with Family Home Evening or more focused during General Conference or more perfect of an example themselves then surely their children would have stayed active Church members. But no amount of perfection in Gospel living can erase children’s agency, nor should it. That would defy our Heavenly Parents’ plan for us and stifle our children’s own eternal progression. We cannot guarantee their spiritual growth for them, and suffocating them with lack of choice seems more likely to backfire and create trauma than encourage their spiritual self-reliance and well-being.

It’s up to parents to teach and children to decide. Isn’t that the model our own Heavenly Parents have provided for us? If They wouldn’t force our baptism or adherence to the Word of Wisdom or Temple attendance, then why would we be expected to force others? As Elder Holland put it, “be kind regarding human frailty…Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.”

In our current culture, there are real social and spiritual consequences to deviations from the familial spiritual perfection considered by many essential for exaltation. And it’s completely valid to feel sad or disappointed in the spiritual path of our loved ones, especially if we believe they will miss out on joy or blessings or insight that they would otherwise have access to. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was never our choice to make. As a child of God, I appreciate the spiritual agency I’ve been given to do what I believe is good and true and right for me. And I hope my child feels the same.

Guest Post: A Thread of Continuity: Patriarchy and Sexual Abuse in the Church from 1841 to Today

Guest post by brooke, a graduate student studying women and religion in 19th-century history.

Photo by Jocelyn Morales on Unsplash

Learning that a child has been the victim of sexual abuse is heartbreaking, no matter how long ago it was.

About a year ago, I was working on a project which focused on Lee County, Iowa Territory, during the Nauvoo period (just across the Mississippi River from Nauvoo). Many of the documents which I was looking at were institutional documents, such as minutes from the Iowa Stake and letters between church leaders. Since it was 2021, I had to resign myself to mostly those documents that had been digitized by the Church History Library, and luckily, there were a good number of them. I began to go through a document titled, “Minutes of meetings of the Nashville Branch, 1840-1843,” which were part of the Elias Smith papers, who served as a bishop in Iowa. As bishop, Smith oversaw church disciplinary actions, which filled the first several pages of the document. It opened with a lengthy church court for a man named William A. Hickman (known to the local non-Mormons as “Wild Bill”) who had attacked and gotten into fights with several other members. It was a fascinating opening, but I was far more shocked by what I found next.

The page that followed was written in a different handwriting. It read,

Mont Rose Lee Co. May 31st 1841

To the Bishop and his Council

I hereby profer the following Charges against Elder [redacted]

1st for coming in to my hous in the absenc of me and family except a Little girl about eleven years old and another [unclear, but likely “six”] years old and highly abuseing my hous by unlawfully Laying hold of the ^eldest^ little girl and forcing verry improper Conduct upon her unbecoming any man which more as man of his Standing in the Church of Jesus Christ of laterday Saints

Abraham Washburn[1]

I sat at my desk, stunned by what I had just come across. Of course, as someone who studies women’s history, I was used to the type of history that leaves you heartbroken for your historical subjects. I had written my thesis on a woman who had a manipulative, emotional (and possibly physically) abusive husband, who struggled with health and infertility, whose husband entered polygamous marriages when she failed to have children, and who had bouts of depression so severe that her journal was littered with suicidal expressions. I was used to difficult history that made me cry and ache for my historical subjects.

This wasn’t even the first time I stumbled across sexual abuse in my historical research. In my thesis, as I investigated the woman who became the second wife to my subject’s husband, I found that as a teenager, her mother died leaving her an orphan, and she was placed in the care of family friends. However, at age 19, she fled from the family, pregnant, having been sexually abused by the man who was supposed to be like (and certainly old enough to be) a father to her. As I explored more, I found out that that man, William G. Mills, had been excommunicated from the church by the time he sexually abused her, but that a hymn he wrote is still in our modern hymnbook. Hymn #40, “Arise, O Glorious Zion,” was written by a sexual predator.

So, I had experience with history where women and children were abused. But nothing prepares you for just randomly coming across a case of a young girl being raped.

Of course, I wanted to know who the girl was. I looked up Abraham Washburn and found that he was a recent convert from England, and he did have two daughters, who would have been 12 and 9 years old at this time. It was possible that it was his daughter who was sexually assaulted, but it was also entirely possible that it was some other girls at his home. Housing was in short supply in 1841, and many families lived together or took in children from other families. But ultimately, I realized, since Washburn had decided to protect this girl’s identity, I should respect that decision and continue to protect her identity as well.

More than the girl, I wanted to know the identity of the man. I wondered if it was “Wild” William Hickman since the minutes of his church court had just preceded this document. But Washburn’s reference to this man’s “Standing in the Church” made me wonder if it was someone more respected and with more ecclesiastical power than Hickman.

However, what made me truly angry was how the man’s name had been blacked out. It wasn’t cut out of the original document, nor was it scratched over with a marker, nor a piece of paper placed on top to block it out. It hadn’t been removed from the document decades ago by those who knew the man personally. The name was blacked out with a digitized black box, meaning that when this document was digitized within the last couple of decades, some worker or administrator at the Church History Library made the decision to digitally redact the name.

The most common form of redaction from historical documents happens when family members turn over documents if there is anything in them that they would prefer not to be public knowledge. Additionally, information about living people or those who were recently living is often protected. However, the older the document is, then any redactions are typically up to the discretion of the archivist. While the church does often keep certain documents or parts of documents away from the eyes of professional historians, particularly in cases where the information has to do with sacred ceremonies, I couldn’t see any reason to hide this man’s name. Over a hundred and fifty years later, the church was still actively protecting a sexual predator who had long been dead.

As I read the recent AP News article about MJ and the years of sexual assault she suffered at the hands of her father, Paul Douglas Adams, my mind was brought back to this little girl living in Iowa Territory in 1841. Other than the letter from Washburn, there is no evidence that any action was taken against this sexual predator. Perhaps he did face some sort of church disciplinary action, but if he did, those involved thought it best not to leave a record.

I saw a thread of continuity that I didn’t like. As the article in AP New by Michael Rezendes explains, “the church is more concerned about the spiritual well-being of perpetrators than the physical and emotional well-being of young victims.”[2] What this article did not delve into was how rooted this attitude is in patriarchy.

In a patriarchal society, women and children are not considered whole people, but rather are possessions or belongings of a man. Mormon theology has often, since the 19th century, prioritized the salvation of men. Under this patriarchal theology, women’s salvation is brought about by their husband, something called “salvific coverture.”[3] This theology teaches that women and children are simply brought along by a man into the Celestial Kingdom. While this teaching is not nearly as prominent as it was in the nineteenth-century church and much has been done to emphasis women and men’s equal importance in the church, their families, and salvations, there are still remnants of this patriarchal theology today.

So of course, the church has and still sometimes does prioritize men’s salvation, because the salvation of men (according to this patriarchal thinking) would lead to the salvation of women and children too. If women and children are not seen as whole people, if they are not as valued in the church as men are, then we will continue to prioritize the salvation of rapists over protecting the well-being and lives of children and women. For us to truly prioritize protecting women and children who become victims of men, we need to unravel the patriarchy which still lines our church teachings and culture. We need to reckon with how the patriarchy that we uphold as a church community also protects sexual predators. It has since at least the 1840s, and it will as long as those ideas still exist in our church.

[1] Elias Smith papers, 1834-1846; Minutes of meetings of the Nashville Branch, 1840-1843; Church History Library, https://catalog.churchofjesuschrist.o... (accessed: August 5, 2022).

[2] https://apnews.com/article/Mormon-church-sexual-abuse-investigation-e0e39cf9aa4fbe0d8c1442033b894660.

[3] https://www.the-exponent.com/new-language-for-outdated-theology-salvific-coverture-and-modern-lds-temple-practice/comment-page-1/

Do we believe in sacred groves?

I have a confession to make. The last few weeks, the most spiritual part of church for me hasn’t been inside the church building. It’s been spending the time between classes peeking through a weed-covered chain link and barbed wire fence, trying to get a glimpse of the drainage pond that sits on the church property. Most people don’t notice that the pond is there, even though it is right next to the parking lot, by the dumpster.

Frogs live in the pond. I can hear them calling, and they sound big. Cicadas buzz. Birds trill from the cattails. The pond supports an abundance of life, in all its chaotic messiness.

Inside the building, church is a cold, controlled environment. As a matter of principle, I refuse to wear a sweater in July, even though I usually get goosebumps sitting in the air conditioning. Some of the talks and lessons chill my heart. I’m tired of Sunday School answers, and I’m tired of trying to think of polite ways to push back against cultural assumptions. It’s emotionally easier to just numbly sit there and let correlated catechism enter my ears.

There was correlation in the Old Testament too. The “righteous” kings Hezekiah and Josiah used the power of state religion to throw huge Passover feasts for the whole kingdom*. They used their power to destroy the groves and high places. They used their power to influence the scriptural narrative. In some parts of the Old Testament, groves and high places are holy. (See here, here, and here). In others, they are condemned. (See here, here, and here). I’ve been fascinated by the idea that the groves of the Old Testament could be understood as a place to worship the feminine divine. I wonder about how the woodland on the Smith’s farm came to be called “the sacred grove”, particularly because the word “grove” comes with so much biblical baggage.

The highlight of my spiritual practice last week involved me going to groves and “low places” (My area of the Midwest doesn’t have much by way of “high places”, but I have worldwide company in meeting god by water.) The groves looked like picnic tables under shady trees where I was able to have some honest and needed conversations. A low place (a dock by a goose pond) provided a place for a Sister-I-Minister-To to tell me about her heartaches. These locations aren’t dedicated to worshiping god, but they are intentionally created public spaces that facilitate the human need for connection to others and connection to nature. They provided a site to connect with other goddesses-in-embryo. One of the things I love most about where I live are the number of nearby parks and natural areas in the low flood plains by the river. These places have fostered years and years worth of physical activity, curiosity, meditation, and social bonding (with both church and community members).

And then there’s that drainage pond at the church. I keep returning to the pond, in hopes of glimpsing some of the life I can hear (but not see) through the vine-wrapped fence. For me, this pond has become a metaphor for the feminine divine at church: She’s wild and dangerous. She’s fenced off for your own protection. She’s neglected and unnoticed. Not everyone knows she is there. You have to intentionally go to her if you want her to be a part of your church experience. It’s less frustrating to fill this part of my longings elsewhere.

One time when I was studying the scriptures in the celestial room, I had the thought that the temple is one place among many where I can go to feel the spirit. I’ve sat in countless lessons that taught me that my home is also supposed to be holy. More and more often, I’m finding godliness in community spaces. Naming them “groves” is a new idea that I’m trying on, but it feels good for now. Do you have sacred groves? Where do you feel God? Where do you go to have deep conversations, or to do your ministering assignment? What are the characteristics of a good location? Where are you most often when you feel like you are doing Jesus’ work?

*Hezekiah is found in 2 Kings 18-20 and 2 Chronicles 29-32. Josiah is found in 2 Kings 22-23 and 2 Chronicles 34-35.

Love, who never fails

I will hold you gently
Squeeze your arm with warmth
And remind you of your belonging.
Together we will reach out and
Touch that ancient stone
Anchoring self and community
Trace its hard and unseen edges
Feel our names forever etched
On its side.
We are linked
In this solid and invisible way,
Not by ceremony or penalty
Nor through the magic of priestliness or hierophant
But through the ordinary sacredness
Of connection,
That stuff that God is made of,
And love, who never fails.

This poem comes from sitting in faculty meetings all week reflecting on the sense of belonging that my Mormon feminist community has given me over the last 15 or so years.

Primary, the Rule of Two, and Protecting Our Children Against Sexual Abuse

A bishop once advised me, (paraphrased) “Churches are public places. You never know who is in your congregation. I do. Never let your children go the bathroom or walk the halls alone.”

A few years later, I sat in a special ward meeting, befuddled as an angry, frightened audience grilled leaders with questions about why they weren’t warned about a convicted sex offender in their midst; why he was allowed to work with youth; and how he victimized more children under their watch.

These experiences made me a cautious parent. My small ward would tease me as a young mom when I would nervously look around for my kids at an activity or potluck. You could hear me calling their names in the hallways if one ran off on their own. I wasn’t trying to be paranoid and I really did feel comfortable with my fellow ward members. I did, however, want to normalize precautions to safeguard my children against abuse.

Today, I listen to primary teachers and leaders stress over the requirement to have two adults in every room, every car, and every activity. Doubling the number of teachers required for each primary class is an enormous ask. It places a special responsibility on the congregation to recognize their role in protecting the ward’s children and creating a safe environment.

This requirement also prioritizes primary in a way some adults may not be comfortable with. Some (rightly) claim that most adults won’t abuse children. In many situations, the one adult working alone with children is safe. Requiring two adults when working with children, however, is proactive and preventative, rather than reactive. It’s a safeguard in place to protect children; not a nuisance; not living in fear; not an overreaction.

Five years ago, I watched the film “Spotlight” and began seeking more information on protecting children from abuse. Consequently, I wrote a post on my personal blog that outlines important ways to talk to our children and to organizations about abuse. Just last week, I read the AP article about abuse and the LDS Church. As a result, I want to re-publish my post because it addresses many concerns that are still relevant today.

Original Blog Post from 2016:

After Watching Spotlight, I just kept thinking, We need to talk about sexual abuse. We need to stop whispering, wondering, or tip-toeing. We need to stop worrying that someone will see insinuation where there is none or that we will unnecessarily scare our children. It’s time to talk about sexual abuse and I am starting today.

KNOW THE FACTS ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE

There are 42 million survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States alone.*

As the victims of the abuse scandal in Spotlight told of their abuse, familiar themes kept coming to light. Vulnerable kids were targeted by men in positions of authority. Most children remained silent. When they told an adult, the system often convinced their parents to remain silent. Victims felt responsibility and shame.

One in 10 children will be sexually abused by age 18.*

If we want these statistics to change, we have to talk about sexual abuse and be willing to speak up for practices and policies that protect our kids. While one-on-one relationships with adults and older children are valuable, they do not need to be built in private, behind closed doors, or in cars.

81% of child sexual abuse incidents for all ages occur in one-perpetrator/one-child circumstances.*

*Statistics are from Darkness to Light.

TALK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE WITH YOUR KIDS

Of children who are sexually abused, 20% are abused before the age of 8.*

Protecting our kids against sexual abuse begins early on in simple, age-appropriate ways. Talk openly with your children about their bodies and about sexuality and boundaries. Robie H.  Harris books offer thoughtful, engaging, age-appropriate ways to start these conversations.

Here are 5 important conversation starters.

Talk About Boundaries. I ask my 4 year-old son if he would like a hug, a kiss, or a high-five. I’ve done this with him since he was old enough to understand. Sometimes he says “yes” and other times he says, “No, thanks.” This may seem strange, but it’s my way of showing him that he has control over his body, who touches him, and how he is touched. There are many ways to introduce boundaries with your children, but the goal is to  help them understand bodily autonomy.Question Authority. Absolute trust and obedience to authority was one of the most frightening revelations in Spotlight, in my opinion. Men in positions of authority groomed vulnerable children and took advantage of their status in the community. Our children need to know that authority figures are not immune from the word “no” and that it is their responsibility to protect children, never to hurt them. If an authority figure is behaving in a way that makes your child uncomfortable, they need to know they can walk or run away with your unconditional support.Use Proper Names for Body Parts. Kids need to gain confidence in their bodies. What better way than by learning about how their amazing body works and why? Use age appropriate materials to talk to your children about their bodies and always use anatomically correct names for private parts. You should also talk to your kids about sex and invite dialogue as they grow. Kids who are comfortable talking about their bodies and asking their parents questions about sex have essential tools to resist grooming by predators.No One Can Touch Your Private Parts Without Permission. Every once in awhile, I will bring up appropriate touching with my kids. It might happen at bed time, bath time, during diaper changes, or when we’re headed to the doctor. These are natural times to talk about private areas and clear boundaries around touching. We discuss how all body parts are good, but some are private. We also talk about how children should not touch each other’s body parts, even in play.Everyone is Included. About 60% of children who are sexually abused are abused by the people the family trusts.* We don’t want our children to be afraid of everyone around them, but they need to know that sexual activity between an adult and child is against the rules/law and that no one is allowed to make them feel icky about their body, show them nude photos, or touch their private parts. Not grandparents, aunts,  uncles, siblings, parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, etc. Emphasize to your child, You will never be in trouble. You can always tell me. You can do so knowing that false reports of sexual abuse by children are rare.*

*Statistics are from Darkness to Light.

TALK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE WITHIN ORGANIZATIONS

8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know their abusers.**

Spotlight encouraged me to take a long, hard look at the organizations my children participate in. Our church organization feels especially vulnerable. While I am not suspicious of any people in particular, I am weary of lax or non-existent volunteer checks, a lack of 2 adults at every occasion, and ecclesiastical interviews that leave children alone with an adult.

It might feel uncomfortable to challenge a system that places children in private with people in positions of authority – coaches, teachers, ecclesiastical leaders, troop leaders – most especially when they are volunteers, friends, and even relatives. We need to get past that discomfort to create safe, healthy spaces for our kids.

Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children aged 17 and under.*

Darkness to Light has a wealth of resources for organizations that serve children and youth. Familiarize yourself with these resources and ask all organizations that serve your children what policies they have in place around sexual abuse. Some suggestions include:

Minimize Opportunity. We need to demand that organizations – churches, schools, youth groups, sports clubs – eliminate or significantly reduce one-on-one time between adults and children. Organizations must take important steps through policies, training, and implementation to minimize the opportunities for abusers to gain one-on-one access to our children.Unscheduled Drop Ins. Drop in unexpectedly on any situation where an adult or older child might be alone with a child. This includes arriving home to a babysitter at an unexpected time.Appropriate Supervision. Ensure that there is appropriate supervision for adults and youth working with children.Open Door Policy. There is very little need for an adult to be in a closed, let alone locked, room with a child. If privacy is required, is there a window and regular check ups by supervisors? Can the door remain ajar? Is someone checking in unexpectedly? Can a second adult accompany the child?Choose Groups. Choose group activities, whenever possible. There is safety in numbers.Training. Are volunteers and staff trained to see warning signs, recognize abuse, talk to children about abuse, and appropriately report? If not, what is the organization doing to change this and when?

*Statistics are from Darkness to Light.

** Statistic is from Parents Protect. 

THE GOOD NEWS

The good news is that you are not alone. Many parents, educators, coaches, and leaders in your community are equally concerned about protecting children from sexual abuse. Start a conversation and invite people to act.

Shake It Off. Only sort of like the Taylor Swift kind.

I am about ten years too late to the party, but thanks to my now ten-year-old daughter, I’m a Swiftie. Okay, so maybe I’m channeling the wrong zeitgeist, but the lyric kept swarming around my mind when I attended the recent rededication of the Washington, D.C. temple.

Other than the last minute scramble to get said ten-year old her temporary temple recommend, the event hadn’t really been on my radar. Two days beforehand I’d heard the First Presidency asked everyone to wear masks to the event. Great. Responsible. Maybe that would mean the rededication wouldn’t become a super spreader event. Like now we wouldn’t be in the news next week, “East coast Latter-day Saints all afflicted by same strain of Covid virus.” Awesome, masked up and ready to go. Even local leadership got on board and our stake presidency sent a mask reminder email. Cool. All will be well in the greater D.C. Zion area.

 

Nope.

I got to the event and throughout the meetinghouse people were NOT wearing masks. Ok, I told myself. This is not the spiritual hill you want to die on. Again. Focus on the event, the rededication of a place that already brings complicated feelings for me when I attend, but where I want to go to try and feel greater peace. Feel closer to my Heavenly Parents. Literally shaking my head, I set the mask frustrations aside (again) and tried to focus.

We had to be in our seats a half an hour before the event started so I had a lot of time to ponder. Honestly, I had some good internal reflection. Right around the time my ten-year-old was about to lose her sanity, sliding up and down the chair twiddling her thumbs, the meeting began. Phew.

President Nelson was presiding, a couple of other male General Authorities sat up on the stand, and at the end of the row was Sis. Amy Wright from the General Primary Presidency. Everyone white. I shook my head at the tokenism and set my slowly creeping frustrations aside (again) and tried to focus on the significance of the event.

The diverse (no, for real) choir sang and it was beautiful. Living close to D.C. I have attended various D.C. wards on many occasions. I have attended temple sessions at the D.C. temple on many occasions. Those sessions, those meetings, those sabbath day worship services are about as diverse a gathering of Saints as you can get in our global, yet often peculiarly homogenous church. The choir sang a song with verses in English and Spanish and it gave me chills. When they reverted to English, I thought, what if they’d kept going and sang all four or five verses in multiple languages? How reflective and powerful would that have been? As they were singing and I felt the Spirit, I literally had the thought, “This is the community of disciples I seek. Stop judging. Stop requiring so much of your fellow Saints. We are all trying to build closer relationships with Christ and we are all approaching our Heavenly Parents with a desire to love more, do more, be more to help our fellow women and men. Let some things go.”

As these warm thoughts and fuzzy feelings started to fill my entire body, and I was ready to re-up in the cause of righteousness, insert the next two (may I say seemingly-extremely-random to me) speakers.

They were asked to bear their testimonies of…temple work? Of Christ? Of the Plan of Salvation? I wasn’t quite clear about the assignment based on their remarks. My celestial facing sense of peace was immediately jarred and I was spun around to my worldly sense of frustration. These two white male speakers testified of families and miracles but it felt so couched in privilege (talking about their summer house and their almost failing but-thankfully rescued multi billion dollar business), it was difficult for me to hear their words and feel the Spirit. It was this hard right turn in the program that had me shaking my head, wondering where to face. (Again.) I once again reminded myself to shake it off, focus on what you can get from the meeting, and try to connect with God.

The temple matron and Sis. Wright closed the meeting with talks that reignited me and filled me with the Spirit. They reminded me of our purpose in turning our lives to God and helping us fill a Christ-type role in the lives of others. Be someone who can help and serve and rescue others and be rescued by others. I got goosebumps and I shed a tear or two in closeness to God rather than in frustration. President Nelson also spoke about how the temple covenants are not perfected yet. He said they change and are tweaked and will continue to be tweaked until they are perfect and Christ will come again. That concept actually gave me a fresh charge to continue and stay on my course. For me, those covenants won’t be perfect until EVERYONE who wants to go to the temple can go. I felt hopeful that there’s still time for exclusionary temple practices to be made right and whole. Now, perfect to me maybe isn’t what President Nelson believes to be perfect, but I am okay with that. We all have different versions of perfection. I am going to work towards mine.

Ultimately, I was grateful I went. I was reminded that my search for greater light and knowledge, clearer eyes to see and a heart to better understand God isn’t achieved in one meeting. And while I can, I have a voice to speak for the voiceless in a space where I believe everyone should be able to access God. I will continue to speak and use my voice, hopefully, for change. I know for me there is space for seemingly mutually exclusive feelings to be held in the one place. I can’t let what I believe to be the failings of current faith traditions stymie my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and my desire to have Christ-like love for everyone. And you can darn well bet I am going to speak up when those practices impede a relationship with God for others as well. The complication of holding opposing emotions in one place is a privilege and a curse but it is something that has defined my relationship with God since I was a young teenager. Finding peace in the middle of love and anger. Building my testimony on the gaps in between. Dissecting and trying to understand these powerful intersections of ideology and emotion is the lens through which I see and explain the world. Struggling to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, I seek to be a voice who stays, even in times of dissension, to grow my own personal discipleship as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that both God and I are okay with settling on.

Come Follow Me: Proverbs, Ecclesiastes “The Fear of the Lord Is the Beginning of Wisdom”

What was some of the best advice you have received? Who gave it to you? How was it helpful for you?

Today we are going to study two books of wisdom literature, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Proverbs are short, pithy sayings that pass down wisdom from one generation to the next. It’s advice so good, clever and memorable that people kept sharing it. People like to share proverbs not only because they are wise but also because they are witty and entertaining and they blend well into pop culture in a way that other scriptures often don’t. They are designed to live in the wild, popping up everywhere in common vernacular.

Are there any proverbs that you tend to remember or even quote as you go through your daily lives?What makes them memorable to you?How do they impact you?Which proverbs or verses stood out to you from your reading?What appealed to you about them?

One category of Old Testament poetry is what scholars call “wisdom literature.” Job, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes fall into this category. While psalms express feelings of praise, mourning, and worship, wisdom literature focuses on timeless advice or deep, philosophical questions. The book of Job, for example, explores the justice of God and the reasons behind human suffering. Proverbs offers counsel on how to live well, including wise sayings collected and passed down from earlier generations. And Ecclesiastes calls into question the purpose of life itself—when everything seems fleeting and random, where do we find true meaning? You might think of wisdom literature as thoughtful conversations with inspired mentors who want to share some observations about God and the world He created—and maybe help you understand these things a little better than you did before.

—Come Follow Me for Individuals and Families: Old Testament 2022: Reading Poetry in the Old Testament

How would you approach wisdom literature differently from other kinds of scripture?

Unlike other scriptures, which are part of a narrative context, a proverb is a solitary creature, meant to stand on its own. You read one, you think about it, you memorize it, you display it in your home. You let it simmer in your heart and mind. It loses its effect if you move on too fast to the next one. In the Bible, however, the proverbs are aggregated into a giant, unorganized list.

Because the proverbs address such varied topics, a verse in Proverbs often has no connection to the verses before or after it.

—Introduction to the Book of Proverbs, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Although the proverbs were recorded as a long list, that does not mean they should be read that way.

Reading a thousand or so short, pithy wise sayings might loom as an overwhelming task for anyone. This gives us a clue as to how the Book of Proverbs should be read and understood. It is not something that is intended to be read as we would a novel. …Thus, the numerous sayings in the Book of Proverbs are meant to be pondered individually and slowly, reflecting on the wealth of wisdom contained in these brief phrases. Each saying is to be slowly digested and considered so that the individual may be brought to conversion – a change of mind and heart that leads to a new way of life and a new reality. …One of the best ways to read Proverbs is to read one saying or one small section at the start of the day in order to reflect on it throughout the day, thinking about how it applies to your real-life situations.

—Joe Paprocki, Can you suggest a good way to read and understand the book of Proverbs? June 4, 2010

The point of a proverb is that it is something you have you have to chew on and you really have to spend some time with. …The word count for each day’s reading is pretty low and that is by design so that you can have a minute to say, “What does this mean? How do I understand what this proverb is speaking into my life and the experiences that I have?” And if you just try to read 50 of them, eventually it’s going to be a point where you are saturated. It’s just white noise at a certain point. You’re not using a proverb in the way that a proverb is intended.

—Russ Ramsey, Proverbs Week 1, She Reads Truth

What are some more effective ways to study proverbs?

Here are some great ways to study proverbs:

Read and discuss a proverb as a devotional with your church group or loved ones.Recite a proverb aloud to yourself like an affirmation.Embroider it. Needlepoint based on Proverbs 10:12 and 15:1 by Stitching Bits and Bobs
Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.
Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.Carve it into a rock. Rock carving of Ecclesiastes 12:7 by Thomas Battersby Child, Jr at Gilgal Sculpture Garden, Salt Lake City, Utah
Ecclesiastes: 12:7 Then shall the adust return to the earth as it was: and the bspirit shall return unto God who cgave it.Tweet it.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act." (Proverbs 3:27) https://t.co/vfYL3BKdMk

— Sojourners (@Sojourners) March 1, 2018

Tweet of Proverbs 3:27 by @Sojourners
Proverbs 3:27  aWithhold not bgood from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.Make a meme out of it. Meme based on Proverbs 17:17 by Latter-day Saints Channel
Proverbs 17:17 A afriend loveth at all times, and a bbrother is born for adversity.Listen to a song based on a proverb. (Pro tip: listening to music is a great way to “read” Psalms, too.)Trust in the Lord: 2022 Youth theme song of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, based on Proverbs 3:5-6
Proverbs 3:5-6 aTrust in the Lord with all thine bheart; and lean not unto thine cown dunderstanding.
In all thy ways aacknowledge him, and he shall bdirect thy cpaths.Read a book or watch a play or a movie that explores a theme centering on a proverb. (There are many of them.)Memorize a proverb and casually slip it into a conversation; proverbs have become such a part of our vernacular, many people quote them without even realizing it.

Here are some less effective ways to study proverbs:

Read the whole Book of Proverbs, in order, in one week. And while you’re at it, finish up the whole Book of Ecclesiastes, too! On your mark, get set, go!Discuss the whole Book of Proverbs in one Sunday School class in one sitting. Ecclesiastes too! Talk fast!

Unfortunately, the Come Follow Me curriculum designates only one week of personal study for both Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, followed by just one Sunday School lesson covering both books combined. It will not be possible to cover all the wisdom in these books on such an abbreviated timeline, but we will orient ourselves to the genre of the proverb and sample a few verses as an introduction.

What is a proverb?

As you read these explanations, consider these questions:

What are the strengths and limitations of a proverb?What would be appropriate and inappropriate ways to interpret a proverb?

What proverbs are is they are statements that are generally true. It’s not formulaic. So you may read a proverb that says, “Good sense wins favor,” which is Proverbs 13:15. That’s generally true. We also know that’s not always true. Sometimes, good sense wins mockery and scorn. …And so you have proverbs that are wisdom, they are not formula. They are wisdom, They are, “This is the way. Walk in it.” And the value is in the cumulative effect of walking in the way of wisdom is that you’ll walk with the Lord, you’ll develop humility, you’ll have a deeper compassion and empathy for other people, you’ll have a more mature understanding of the Lord’s love for you and His perspective on the world. …What we’re doing and what we’re about is developing instinct for how to live in a world where it is hard to live. …So how do you develop instinct to walk into a room, read a situation and say, “The wise response here is to do this instead of that”?

—Russ Ramsey, Proverbs Week 1, She Reads Truth

Wisdom literature often stresses the way things “should be” as opposed to giving detailed descriptions of the way things are. The goal, of course, is to change the way things are! One must approach the Book of Proverbs with the intention of being instructed in the ways of seeing the world as it ought to be, in other words, through the eyes of God.

—Joe Paprocki, Can you suggest a good way to read and understand the book of Proverbs? June 4, 2010

Some of its content is deeply spiritual, while some does not rise above the plane of worldly wisdom, but throughout it is taken for granted that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (1:7; 9:10)

—Introduction to the Book of Proverbs, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Who wrote the proverbs? People like to believe their quotes came from celebrities, like President Abraham Lincoln or King Solomon.

Both the books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes are traditionally attributed to King Solomon, but…

Solomon’s name lends authority to Proverbs. Tradition tells that Solomon’s wisdom was granted by God, surpassed that of all others, and was celebrated and sought by world leaders of his day (1 Kgs. 3–11). At the same time, Solomon’s larger-than-life status as a patron and author of wisdom cautions against interpreting claims of his authorship as historically reliable. Like David with the psalms and Moses with the law, Solomon is identified conventionally with wisdom. The compilation of Proverbs occurred over centuries.

—Christine Roy Yoder, Proverbs, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

Some of the book of Proverbs is attributed to “Solomon the son of David, the king of Israel.” However, while Solomon is considered an author of many of the proverbs, it is best to think of the book of Proverbs as a library of the wisdom of the Israelites. …We do not know exactly when or where the book of Proverbs was written, but the initial compilation of Proverbs is traditionally thought to have taken place during the reign of King Solomon in Jerusalem, between 1015 and 975 B.C. It is likely that many of the proverbs came from oral traditions that existed before Solomon’s time. Also, some proverbs were added after Solomon’s time: chapters 25–29 were added in the days of King Hezekiah of Judah (see Proverbs 25:1). It is unknown when the book reached its final form.

—Introduction to the Book of Proverbs, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

The truth is actually much better than the traditional claim that the proverbs can be traced to one celebrity author. In actuality, many diverse, wise people contributed to the collection. Some of them were not even Israelites, and at least one of them was a woman.

From wisdom identified explicitly as Israelite (“the proverbs of Solomon,” 1:1; 10:1), readers move to internationally inspired instructions: the first of these two sections attributed to the “wise,” 22:17–24:22, is an artful adaptation of the Egyptian Instruction of Amenemope. That the transition occurs rather seamlessly in the Hebrew suggests that movement between Israelite and foreign wisdom is rather ordinary. The sages assume that their work requires critical engagement with the wisdom of cultures—an assumption that directs their attention outward and presses the question, to whom should we be listening now? At the same time, because the sages rework Amenemope in various ways, they teach that the borrowing of traditions and texts is not done mechanically but critically, mindful of one’s contexts and purposes. Attentiveness to the world’s wisdom becomes even more explicit at the end of Proverbs with two other sections that are or are made to appear foreign—the wisdom of Agur (30:1–33) and of King Lemuel’s mother (31:1–9). …Agur is a stranger. His name and that of his father, Yaqeh, are not Hebrew, and neither of them is mentioned elsewhere in the Hebrew Bible. Agur is likely from Massa, a north Arabian tribe descended from Ishmael’s son Massa (cf. Lemuel, 31:1–9). …[Proverbs 31:1-9] is the only instruction attributed to a king’s mother known from the ancient Near East.

—Christine Roy Yoder, Proverbs, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

Why do we need to look beyond our own culture when seeking wisdom?Why is it important to incorporate the wisdom of multiple genders and ethnic/racial groups?When should we ask the question, “To whom should we be listening now?”The prophecy of King Lemuel’s mother

When Christians mention the “Proverbs 31 Woman” we typically think of the idealised woman mentioned in Proverbs 31:10-31. Myriads of messages, books, and website articles have been devoted to extolling, and sometimes sentimentalising, the virtues of this woman, and she is put forward as a role model for all godly women to follow. …But we must never forget: this woman is not real. She is an idealised fabrication.

There is another woman mentioned in Proverbs 31, a real woman who is often overlooked but who also serves as a model for women. …This woman taught, or admonished, her son with an inspired message that is contained in Proverbs 31:2-9. Lemuel was a grown man and he was a king, but this didn’t stop him from receiving and appreciating instruction from a woman. He recognised and respected the wisdom of his mother’s words. Her words were even recorded and included in the canon of Holy Scripture. This means that the teaching of King Lemuel’s mother has the authority of Scripture. (Many Christians believe Scripture has the highest level of spiritual authority.) Furthermore, by being part of Scripture, the sayings of this woman continue to authoritatively instruct men and women, and even kings. Her admonition remains relevant and much-needed today!

—Marg Mowczko, King Lemuel’s Mother: The Other Proverbs 31 Woman, July 19, 2012

The first verse of Proverbs 31 identifies the teachings that follow as a prophecy from a woman named only as the mother of King Lemuel.

1 The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his amother taught him.

Proverbs 31:1

So who was this prophet? Unfortunately, we do not know her name, and although her son’s name, Lemuel, is given in the text, his identity is also debated. Various sources suggest that the mother of Lemuel may be Abijah, the mother of King Hezekiah; Bathsheba, mother of Solomon; or the queen of the Arabian Ishmaelite nation of Massa; among other theories. (See Who was King Lemuel by Claude Mariottini and King Lemuel and His Mother by Shonda Holt.)

While we may have lost her backstory, we still have her inspired words. At the beginning of her prophecy, she warns Lemuel about vices he should avoid.

2 What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?

3 Give not thy strength unto awomen, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink awine; nor for princes strong drink:

5 Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.

Proverbs 31:2-5

Why do you think King Lemuel’s mother focused on these sins?Why is it particularly dangerous for a king, or anyone with power and authority over other people, to engage in these sins?

Then she exhorts King Lemuel on how he should use his power:

8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.

9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the acause of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 31:8-9

Who needs us to open our mouths for them in our modern society?How would it affect our community if more of us followed the counsel of King Lemuel’s mother?The virtuous woman (or women)

Following the prophecy of King Lemuel’s mother, King Lemuel writes an ode to virtuous women that is one of the more famous poems in scripture. Dr. Wendy Zierler points out that these verses were most likely inspired by his mother.

In the context of our own times, when so many of us work outside as well as inside the home, negotiating on a daily basis a heroic set of professional as well as domestic duties, does Proverbs 31 provide inspiration or does it enshrine a set of unrealistic expectations? …I refer to the issue of context. We typically ignore the fact that the Eshet Hayil [virtuous woman] poem is preceded in Proverbs 31 by nine verses of instruction offered by an unnamed Queen Mother to her son King Lemuel, in which she warns him against drunkenness and debauchery (with women), encouraging him instead to judge righteously and be an advocate for the needy. One way to read the Eshet Hayil poem, then, is as King Lemuel’s eulogy for his valorous and wise mother, bearing in mind the genre of the eulogy, which often includes hyperbole and sacralizing of the lost loved one.

—Dr. Wendy Zierler, How To Read Eshet Hayil: Explaining this ancient song about a ‘woman of valor’

In English, the structure of the poem is not apparent, but in Hebrew…

The poem is a sequential and complete alphabetic acrostic; each new line begins with the next letter of the twenty-two-letter Hebrew alphabet.

—Christine Roy Yoder, Proverbs, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

I would caution against interpreting the proverb of the virtuous woman as a long to-do list of things every woman must do on her own to meet the minimal standards of virtue. I like to read the poem as if each sentence introduced a new woman. “Who can find a virtuous woman?” asks King Lemuel in verse 10. He looks around, and he sees a woman who is a trustworthy wife (verse 11) and another who is a terrific mother (verse 28). These are the kinds of women who are often praised in our modern church meetings. But he also sees other women. He finds a working woman (verse 13), an investor (verse 16). an entrepreneur (verse 18) a philanthropist (verse 20) and a philosopher (verse 26). These are also virtuous women! In a world where women, more often than men, are pigeon-holed into one rigid set of roles and expectations, Proverbs 31 reminds us that there are many different ways to be virtuous and we can find virtuous women everywhere, leading their best lives on their own unique paths.

Invite class members to choose a few verses of the virtuous woman poem to read on their own, while asking themselves these questions.

What can we learn about the attributes this woman possesses from what she is doing in this verse?How can modern women and men follow her example?

For example, in verse 15, we read about a woman who gets up early to prepare food for her household and her employees. Getting up early to get the work done demonstrates that she is industrious and sets priorities: first things first. She provides meat to her maids, which implies that she is a good employer who honors her obligations to her employees. We can emulate her by organizing ourselves and setting priorities in our own lives. We can take special care to be fair, kind and generous toward the people who work for us, whether they be our employees or the service professionals who help us at the venues we frequent.

A note to men: it may feel awkward looking for guidance for your own life by reading a scripture that is all about women. Lean into this awkwardness. Since most of our scriptures were written within the context of patriarchal societies, when modern women “liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning” (1 Nephi 19:23) more often than not we find ourselves likening stories about men and advice directed toward men to our female world. This exercise gives men a brief opportunity to work on a skill that women practice all the time!

10 ¶ Who can find a avirtuous bwoman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely atrust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her ahands.

14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She ariseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the adistaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the apoor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her aclothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her aclothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of akindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of aidleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and abeauty is vain: but a woman that bfeareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Proverbs 31:10-31

To everything there is a season

Since the Book of Proverbs was written by multiple people, it presents different points of view, even contradictions. But at least some of these apparent contradictions are intentional, like this one:

4 Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.

5 aAnswer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his bown conceit.

Proverbs 26:4-5

Can both statements be true? How?

Neither intention nor accident can explain why these two exhortations would come back to back if they were really contradictory. They are too close to be an accident. …We will infer that he’s telling us that it’s okay for proverbs to sound contradictory. Why? Because the real nature of most proverbs is not a rule that is used the same way in all circumstances at all times. Rather, a proverb is often a recommended way of acting that will be wise in some settings and not in others. Or: a general observation of experience that is very often true and useful, but not always true in every situation. The same act may be wise in one setting but foolish in another. The same fact may hold in one situation and not in another. All proverbs are true. But they are not always true in every situation.

—John Piper, The Best Discoveries Begin as Problems: How to Read Proverbs, Desiring God, May 16, 2017

What is the difference between a proverb and a rule?How can the same act be wise in one situation and foolish in another?

One proverb may have multiple meanings.

Each proverb has several possible meanings and may “mean” differently, depending on who says it and how, to whom, and in what circumstances. That is, proverbs are contingent claims, not static and universal moralisms. The wise, then, need to know not only the proverbs, but also how to read the world so that they use the proverbs rightly.

—Christine Roy Yoder, Proverbs, Women’s Bible Commentary by Carol A. Newsom, Sharon H. Ringe and Jacqueline E. Lapsley

How do we learn to read the world?

Speaking of different courses of action being right in different times and contexts, there is a great poem about that in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. You can just open the Bible and read it, but my preferred format for these verses is this one:

Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds, as performed on the Ed Sullivan Show on December 12, 1965, based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 To every thing there is a aseason, and a btime to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A atime to be born, and a time to bdie; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to alaugh; a time to bmourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to aget, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to arend, and a time to sew; a time to keep bsilence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to ahate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Why is it important to consider timing?How do we know when our timing is right?Seek wisdom

5 A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:
6 To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings [riddles].

Proverbs 1:5-6

According to this proverb, how do we learn how to understand and apply proverbs?

Read the following proverbs silently, looking for insights about how we can a attain wisdom. Then discuss your answers to these quesitons:

How should we attain wisdom?What pitfalls should we avoid as we seek wisdom?

2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;
3 Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding;
4 If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures;
5 Then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.

Proverbs 2:2-5

10 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

Proverbs 2:10-11

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.

Proverbs 3:5-7

8 Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.
9 Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.

Proverbs 9:8-9

Dr. Glenn Pemberton has identified three themes about the quest for wisdom from the early chapters of Proverbs.

These three themes constitute the message of Prov 1–9: the importance of wisdom (it is life over death), the nature of wisdom as a path to walk rather than a destination at which we arrive, and an emphatic appeal to make a decision for wisdom and decide now to listen to the voice of the sages rather than the voices promising “the good life.”

—Glenn Pemberton, Daughter Divine: Proverbs’ Woman of Wisdom. April 29, 2018

How is wisdom more like a path than a destination? Why do we need to make a decision for wisdom?Wisdom as a woman

Since the sages were primarily using proverbs to instruct young men, they described wisdom in the most attractive way possible to their audience: as a woman. (See Glenn Pemberton, Daughter Divine: Proverbs’ Woman of Wisdom. April 29, 2018) Wisdom would be like the best possible girlfriend:

Wisdom mural by Robert Reid, United States Library of Congress

6 Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee.

Proverbs 4:6

But like any self-respecting girlfriend, Wisdom will break up with the young man who neglects her.

In fact, Woman Wisdom is an exasperated prophet. She has spoken to young men (1:22) and done everything possible to get their attention so that they would listen to her (1:22–23). But they have refused to respond, to accept any of her counsel or correction (1:22–25). So in a bold move she tells the young men that when disaster hits them (and it is coming) she will laugh and mock them, apparently just as they have responded to her (1:26–27).

A slight but significant shift in pronouns occurs between 1:27 and 1:28. Prior to 1:28 Wisdom refers to the young men with second person plural pronouns (“you”). But in 1:28 and afterward, she refers to the young men with third person plural pronouns (“they”). This clue denotes that her audience has changed between v. 27 and v. 28. She no longer speaks to the young men, but explains and defends her behavior to another audience; the young men become an object lesson. She tells the new audience that she will ignore the young men when they call to her in crisis (1:28) because they hate knowledge and have not chosen “the fear of the Lord”—a proper relationship of fear, respect, and intimacy with God (1:29). They have rejected everything she has tried to teach them (1:30). Therefore, they now get what they wanted: their “waywardness” and “complacency” will destroy them (1:31). But Wisdom assures this second audience that those who listen to her voice will be secure and will have no reason to fear disaster (1:32).

—Glenn Pemberton, Daughter Divine: Proverbs’ Woman of Wisdom. April 29, 2018

What are the risks of neglecting Wisdom? How does Wisdom lead to security?How do we cultivate our relationship with Wisdom?Speaking of proverbs with two meanings…

Some theologians see a second meaning to the discourse about wisdom as a woman in Proverbs 8.

22 The Lord possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his aworks of old.

23 I was set up from aeverlasting, from the bbeginning, or ever the earth was.

24 When there were no depths, I was brought forth; when there were no fountains abounding with water.

25 Before the mountains were settled, before the hills was I brought forth:

26 While as yet he had not made the earth, nor the fields, nor athe highest part of the dust of the world.

27 When he prepared the heavens, I was there: when he set a acompass upon the face of the depth:

28 When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:

29 When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:

30 Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him;

31 Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my delights were with the sons of men.

32 Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways.

33 Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.

34 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.

35 For whoso findeth me findeth alife, and shall obtain favour of the Lord.

36 But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: all they that hate me love adeath.

Proverbs 8:22-36

What if this passage were more literally about a divine woman?

Yet amid these admonitions, magnificent poetry in Proverbs 8:22-31 raises Wisdom’s status to divinity. Here Lady Hokmah [Wisdom] identifies herself “set up . . . before the beginning of the earth” to become a co-creator with Yahweh! [Jehovah] “I was beside him, like a master worker” (verses 23, 30). Perhaps the plural Elohim in Genesis is a way of saying that the feminine aspect of God provided the wisdom to match the power of the masculine aspect of God.

—Reta Halteman Finger, Divine feminine: Wisdom to match the power, March 9, 2021

In terminology of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “the feminine aspect of God” is Heavenly Mother.

This unity of Father and Mother that is affirmed in Mormon theology seems to be beautifully expressed in Proverbs 8: 22-36 where Mother speaks of creation. …This passage contains word play on the name Asherah, one of the names of Mother in Heaven. It suggests that to know Heavenly Mother is to find life and favor with God. To deny her and hate her is death.
—Val Larsen, Hidden in Plain View: Mother in Heaven in Scripture, SquareTwo, Vol. 8 No. 2 (Summer 2015)

Do you see Heavenly Mother in theses verses?What do they tell you about Her?

What Does Active Mean Anyway?

Image from Pexels

Recently in a conversation a person I was talking with stated somewhat jokingly that whether or not I consider myself ‘active’ in the church probably changes from day-to-day. The comment caught me off guard and surprised me. I’ve never thought of myself as active or inactive. Upon reflection though, I understood this person likely made that comment because my church participation currently looks much different than it did two years ago.

Strike 1: Mine and my children’s records are not in our geographical ward. This came about after one of my children experienced years of exclusion, a particularly insidious form of bullying, with unsuccessful attempts at addressing the issue with other parents and church leaders. Add to this a young women’s president informing me during the pre-vaccine days of the pandemic that my daughters were not welcome at YW camp and other activities if I was concerned about covid prevention measures and we were out of of that ward. I moved our records to a ward near where we used to live (benefits of living in an area with a high number of church members and a friend who cared more about the welfare of my family than he did checking boxes on rules). Doing this means that the people in the neighborhood where I live haven’t seen me at their ward since pre-pandemic days. I’ve heard of several rumors swirling about me; the most recent rumor a friend told me about is that my husband and I are separated. It’s likely the people sharing rumors consider me inactive.

Strike 2: My attendance the past number of months hasn’t been consistent. The ward my records are in was unfortunately dissolved a few months ago. It was devastating news that was executed poorly as the stake president and bishop kept repeating how wonderful it will be to now have enough young men to pass the sacrament. While I know them to be kind men who mean well, they are also oblivious to how their words come across to a woman with daughters who is desperately trying to stay in a church that says it is nice if females serve but that we aren’t needed. After the ward rearrangement, I could barely muster the desire to attend every other week. Throw in summer travel and my attendance has been sporadic. I’m sure I appear quite inactive to the new bishop.

Strike 3: For a number of psychological health reasons, in the last year I have chosen to wear garments only on Sundays. It’s been one of the best choices of my life. Although my clothing hasn’t changed, there have been a couple of times encountering neighbors at the grocery store where I can tell they first look to see if I am wearing a wedding ring and then their eyes start roving my body. Note to people who garment check: it’s obvious. It’s also disturbing. If they can’t find the lines they are looking for – lines that are typically much more obvious on women than on men – do they consider me inactive?

Three strikes against orthopraxy, right practices that members of the LDS church typically use to categorize someone as active or inactive. Does my level of orthopraxy mean I am inactive?

Image from Pexels

While on the outside I may look different, theologically I still think much the same as two years ago. I do have more clarity about how what I believe influences how I show up in the world. I am still 100% about Jesus and not church culture. I still believe in Heavenly Mother. I still believe in Heavenly Father although I tend to talk about God more because it is a term that I believe is more encompassing of Deity. I still believe that we are all one in Christ Jesus. I still believe in an open, expanding scripture cannon and have hope that the Gospel Mary Magdalene will be included in the LDS cannon. I still believe that LGBTQ+ people are loved by God and deserve a place in the church just like anyone else. I still believe that church leaders are tasked with leading the church and that they are fallible human beings. Most days I want to believe they are doing their best with what they have even while simultaneously being horrified at many of the institution’s actions and policies. I still believe complementarianism is incorrect. I still want to know what changes and contributions Chieko Okazaki and the 1995 Relief Society presidency would have made to the family proclamation. I still going to choke or shrivel of spiritual starvation if I have to sit through one more sacrament meeting talk or RS lesson based on a general conference talk. I still suspect I might actually like Relief Society if it was the independent woman-led and woman-run organization it was a hundred years ago instead of the devoured-by-male-leadership hollowed out shell that it is today. I still can’t wait for more diversity in the hymn book. I still think ritual has power and am still strangled by some aspects of the temple ceremony. I still address my prayers to my Heavenly Parents. I still believe that a male-only priesthood is a human idea not God’s. I still love the Bible and the messages of Jesus. I still believe God speaks in many ways to people all over the world. I still believe there are good people in the world.

Are my beliefs orthodox enough to be considered active? Who gets to decide?

Oh yes, and I am still a feminist which to me means that I am team partnership over patriarchy. I believe everyone deserves an opportunity to contribute and grow.

Is there a place for me to belong? What does active mean anyway?