Katherine Fabrizio's Blog, page 14
November 8, 2017
Embody Self-Confidence With This 30 Second Yoga Pose [VIDEO]
Shot straight through the heart of your self-doubt.
[image error]
If you want to change & embody self-confidence – you need to take it up with your body.
You need yoga for self-confidence
Literally. Right now. This moment.
Embody the change you want to feel!
First, you must understand- to embody self-confidence you must get out of your head and into your body.
Click To Tweet
Off the couch and onto the mat.
An overview
It isn’t enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough.
Research by Amy Cuddy tells us that changing your body (even your posture) sends powerful messages to the emotional centers of the brain. There is something to the expression
“Fake it til you make it.”
We can do better.
We reject fake.
Instead, we rewrite this to be-
Embody it to manifest it.
And here is the amazing caveat–
You don’t need to wait until you can strike the perfect yoga pose to gain benefits.
The very act of declaring with your posture/pose your intention you send powerful messages to your brain.
Crazy -right?
Turns out… not so much…
You are more powerful than you know though.
So what’s this all about?
In the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied. Simply put, she affected you, first and foremost, in your body in a sensory, physical way before you said your first word.
Therefore it makes sense that…….
Healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements.
Let’s make this relevant for the daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”.
If you’re like so many good daughters, you have trouble saying some of the hard things you need to say.
You freeze, lose your voice, cave in.
Simply put you have trouble standing your ground, banishing self-doubt, and leading with self-confidence.
So how are you going to do that?
How are you going to lean into the self-doubt and start to send your body a new message?
I’ve asked Brisa Silvestre to help us with that.
Let me introduce you to one of the most open-hearted women I know.
Brisa Silvestri is a hot yoga and an Anna Forest certified yoga teacher. She is going to help us embody the confidence we want to feel.
“Open your heart”, Brisa says.
When you constrict your body and pull in for protection, you close your heart.
A closed heart is an insecure defensive posture.
An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time.
This is the Feminine paradox.
Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that.
Click To Tweet
Let’s redefine what we mean by strength. Let’s rewrite some old notions that don’t fit anymore.
To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us.
Let’s turn now to getting that open-hearted Feminine power that will help with self-confidence.
To achieve an open heart, watch how shoulder shrugs help.
And… wait for it, in Goddess pose of course.
Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you. She is always there holding you. Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of you.
Click To Tweet
Using Ujjayi breath, Brisa demonstrates incorporating the benefits of a kind of breathing that support the goddess pose.
Ujjay breath regulates heating the body. The friction of the air passing through the lungs and throat generates internal body heat.
Additional benefits include diminished pain from headaches, relief of sinus pressure, a decrease in phlegm, and strengthening the nervous and digestive systems.
Open-hearted, grounded in the feminine divine, shoulders back and getting down to it- let’s learn all about it.
So, click below, and let’s see Brisa do her magic.
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Embody Self-Confidence With This 30 Second Yoga Pose [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Embody Self Confidence With This 30 Second Yoga Pose [VIDEO]
Shot straight through the heart of your self-doubt.
If you want to change & embody self-confidence – you need to take it up with your body.
Literally. Right now. This moment.
Embody the change you want to feel!
First, you must understand- to embody self-confidence you must get out of your head and into your body.
Off the couch and onto the mat.
An overview
It isn’t enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough.
Research by Amy Cuddy tells us that changing your body (even your posture) sends powerful messages to the emotional centers of the brain. There is something to the expression
“Fake it til you make it.”
We can do better.
We reject fake.
Instead, we rewrite this to be-
Embody it to manifest it.
And here is the amazing caveat–
You don’t need to wait until you can strike the perfect yoga pose to gain benefits.
The very act of declaring with your posture/pose your intention you send powerful messages to your brain.
Crazy -right?
Turns out… not so much…
You are more powerful than you know though.
So what’s this all about?
In the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied. Simply put, she affected you, first and foremost, in your body in a sensory, physical way before you said your first word.
Therefore it makes sense that…….
Healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements.
Let’s make this relevant for the daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”.
If you’re like so many good daughters, you have trouble saying some of the hard things you need to say.
You freeze, lose your voice, cave in.
Simply put you have trouble standing your ground, banishing self-doubt, and leading with self-confidence.
So how are you going to do that?
How are you going to lean into the self-doubt and start to send your body a new message?
I’ve asked Brisa Silvestre to help us with that.
Let me introduce you to one of the most open-hearted women I know.
Brisa Silvestri is a hot yoga and an Anna Forest certified yoga teacher. She is going to help us embody the confidence we want to feel.
“Open your heart”, Brisa says.
When you constrict your body and pull in for protection, you close your heart.
A closed heart is an insecure defensive posture.
An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time.
This is the Feminine paradox.
Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that.
Let’s redefine what we mean by strength. Let’s rewrite some old notions that don’t fit anymore.
To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us.
Let’s turn now to getting that open-hearted Feminine power that will help with self-confidence.
To achieve an open heart, watch how shoulder shrugs help.
And… wait for it, in Goddess pose of course.
Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you. She is always there holding you.
Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of you.
Using Ujjayi breath, Brisa demonstrates incorporating the benefits of a kind of breathing that support the goddess pose.
Ujjay breath regulates heating the body. The friction of the air passing through the lungs and throat generates internal body heat.
Additional benefits include diminished pain from headaches, relief of sinus pressure, a decrease in phlegm, and strengthening the nervous and digestive systems.
Open-hearted, grounded in the feminine divine, shoulders back and getting down to it- let’s learn all about it.
So, click below, and let’s see Brisa do her magic.
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Embody Self Confidence With This 30 Second Yoga Pose [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
November 1, 2017
How To Stand Up For Yourself- What The “Good Daughter” Needs to Know [VIDEO]
Have you ever let someone get away with being rude or unkind to you and… you say nothing?
Is it your mother, mother-in-law or stepmother? Perhaps another woman is always putting you down, giving you back-handed compliments or simply putting you on the spot with her implied criticism.
If someone habitually criticises you, will you stand up for yourself?
Will you say something or swallow this one …yet again?
Afterwards, do you kick yourself for remaining silent?
If you let them “get away with it”, why should anything change?
If this sounds like you – I have help for you here.
Watch below-
If you would rather read-
So many daughters in the role of “good daughter” remain silent when a bitchy comment comes their way.
The barb, the swipe, is leveled at them and they freeze.
They are programmed not rock the boat and to smooth things over. Yet, they know deep down they go against themselves by remaining silent.
If this sounds like you, let me break down what is happening.
The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence.
You remain conflicted and have a hard time trusting anybody, much less trusting yourself.
You feel angry yet you worry you will blow up if you speak your mind.
How do you address hostile things that come your way without losing your cool or playing doormat?
Let’s come into the moment – when somebody says something that hurts, you say this-
“You know, that was really hurtful. I’m not sure you meant to hurt me, but that’s how it came across. Could you tell me why you want to say that?”
If you’re met with silence, you might’ve just taken somebody off guard, or conversely they might’ve actually meant the hostility that you felt.
If the comment wasn’t intended as hurtful, then the person has a chance to regroup and say,
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Let’s talk about it”
By bringing it up and hearing a response, you can tell quite a lot.
Here is what you can know for sure-
No matter what the outcome, you’ve stood up for yourself in a way that’s kind and compassionate.
The people in your life will sit up and take notice.
This is good.
You are on your way to becoming real, not merely good.
This is how we rise.
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post How To Stand Up For Yourself- What The “Good Daughter” Needs to Know [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
How To Stand Up For Yourself- What The Good Daughter Needs to Know [VIDEO]
Have you ever let someone get away with being rude or unkind to you and… you say nothing?
Is it your mother, mother-in-law or stepmother? Perhaps another woman is always putting you down, giving you back-handed compliments or simply putting you on the spot with her implied criticism.
If someone habitually criticises you, will you stand up for yourself?
Will you say something or let yourself swallow this one …yet again?
Do you kick yourself for remaining silent?
If you let them “get away with it”, why should anything ever change?
If this sounds like you – I have help for you here.
Do yourself a favor and watch below.
If you would rather read-
So many daughters in the role of “good daughter” remain silent when a bitchy comment comes their way.
The barb, the swipe, is leveled at them and they freeze.
They are programmed not rock the boat and to smooth everything over. Yet, they go against themselves by remaining silent.
If this sounds like you, let me break down what is happening for you.
The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence.
You remain conflicted and have a hard time trusting anybody, much less trusting yourself.
You feel angry yet you worry you will blow up.
So how do you address hostile things that come your way without losing your cool or playing doormat, complicit in your silence?
Let’s come into the moment – when somebody says something that hurts, you say this-
“You know, that was really hurtful. I’m not sure you meant to hurt me, but that’s how it came across. Could you tell me why you want to say that?”
If you’re met with silence, you might’ve just taken somebody off guard, or conversely they might’ve actually meant the hostility that you felt.
If the comment wasn’t intended as hurtful, then the person has a chance to regroup and say,
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Let’s talk about it”
By bringing it up and hearing a response, you can tell quite a lot.
And no matter what the outcome, you’ve stood up for yourself in a way that’s kind and compassionate.
The people in your life will sit up and take notice.
This is good.
You are on your way to becoming real, not merely good.
This is how we rise.
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post How To Stand Up For Yourself- What The Good Daughter Needs to Know [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
October 25, 2017
Will You Speak Up to Your Difficult Mom? What Does It Cost You When You Don’t?
Is your inbox or phone flooded with an avalanche of unanswered emails from mom?
Requests, demands, and opinions, oh my!
And, “Would you please get back to me right away, thank you very much.”
As fast as she can churn them out, mom reaches through cyberspace and poof a much-needed layer of protective boundary dissolves into thin air.
With the stroke of a keyboard or the sound of a ringtone, she has ready access to you.
Does mom appropriate your participation in her communications with you?
Click To Tweet
-You are cast as an audience member, one amongst many.
-Your privacy is violated in a forward.
-You are appropriated into a personal back and forth she has with a third party.
3 Ways this happens-
1) With the group email function, mom assembles an audience, (yes, that’s you there in the stands) and uses it to showcase what an important and caring parent/family member she is.
2) Without your consent, she forwards an email exchange you thought was a private one between the two of you. She forgets or never thinks about asking for your permission first.
3) Or, my personal favorite, mom CCs you on really personal exchange she is having with a third party. You’d rather sit this one out, thank you very much, but alas you have been drafted into the exchange.
YIKES!
Where does this leave you?
Since you can’t “unsee” or “unreceive” said emails, this, of course, leaves you in the, oh so awkward position of having to decide how to, and if, you should respond.
Do you bear silent witness, say nothing and run the risk of appearing to convey agreement through your silence?
Now that you, of course, have seen said missive, is it incumbent on you to weigh in lest you appear unfeeling?
Or, horror of all horrors, does your silence imply that you were in on whole dysfunctional debacle from the beginning?
ARRRGGGG!
Primetime for mother manipulator for sure.
There you are enjoying your life, or for that matter, not enjoying your life. You mistakenly assumed it was, in fact, YOUR life. Yet, in a flash of an email fly by you are kidnapped from the sidelines and whisked into the biopic of your mother’s life.
It is not completely apparent why Mom casts you as audience or to her communications, but you smell a manipulative maneuver.
What does this tell you about mom and her difficult ways?
No matter what the reason or reasons, it is indirect, not altogether sensitive and, wait for it; the hallmark of a difficult mother who is driven more by her needs than regard for your feelings.
Self–absorbed, for sure.
Yes, of course, that is the truth of it, as always. The interaction is driven by the fact that the difficult mom has to prove herself, both to herself and to others.
Click To Tweet
You are merely a come with.
[image error]
It is and isn’t personal. That is both the good news and the bad news.
The calculator in mom’s unconscious has done the math and determined that it is perfectly acceptable for her to use you to make herself look good.
The sad truth of the matter is – she may not even be aware that her actions leave you feeling hurt.
In fact, you feel bad but tell yourself to stop being so sensitive.
I have a better idea-
Instead of asking “am I too sensitive?”
What if you aren't too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don't count.
Click To Tweet
What if this treatment leaves you feeling like you really don’t matter… for a good reason.
What if the reason has nothing to do with you?
*Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger? *Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced?
Click To Tweet
This kind of unbalance has its fingerprint in every interaction with the difficult mother. If you recognize yourself, I am here to tell you this dynamic is stealing your confidence. This corrosive dynamic undermines your self -esteem.
You end up living a life that is based on making someone else happy at your expense.
Will you go on quietly as the Good Daughter, or will you choose to become real?
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Audio-Exposing-3-Ways-The-Difficult-Mother-Gets-Her-Needs-Met-At-Her-Daughters-Expense-Through-Email-8_18_17-9.18-AM.m4a
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Will You Speak Up to Your Difficult Mom? What Does It Cost You When You Don’t? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Will You Speak Up to Your Narcissistic/ Difficult Mom? What Does It Cost You When You Don’t?
Is your inbox or phone flooded with an avalanche of unanswered emails from mom?
Requests, demands, and opinions, oh my!
And, “Would you please get back to me right away, thank you very much.”
As fast as she can churn them out, mom reaches through cyberspace and poof a much-needed layer of protective boundary dissolves into thin air.
With the stroke of a keyboard or the sound of a ringtone, she has ready access to you.
Does mom appropriate your participation in her communications with you?
-You are cast as an audience member, one amongst many.
-Your privacy is violated in a forward.
-You are appropriated into a personal back and forth she has with a third party.
3 Ways this happens-
1) With the group email function, mom assembles an audience, (yes, that’s you there in the stands) and uses it to showcase what an important and caring parent/family member she is.
2) Without your consent, she forwards an email exchange you thought was a private one between the two of you. She forgets or never thinks about asking for your permission first.
3) Or, my personal favorite, mom CCs you on really personal exchange she is having with a third party. You’d rather sit this one out, thank you very much, but alas you have been drafted into the exchange.
YIKES!
Where does this leave you?
Since you can’t “unsee” or “unreceive” said emails, this, of course, leaves you in the, oh so awkward position of having to decide how to, and if, you should respond.
Do you bear silent witness, say nothing and run the risk of appearing to convey agreement through your silence?
Now that you, of course, have seen said missive, is it incumbent on you to weigh in lest you appear unfeeling?
Or, horror of all horrors, does your silence imply that you were in on whole dysfunctional debacle from the beginning?
Primetime for mother manipulator for sure.
There you are enjoying your life, or for that matter, not enjoying your life. You mistakenly assumed it was, in fact, YOUR life. Yet, in a flash of an email fly by you are kidnapped from the sidelines and whisked into the biopic of your mother’s life.
It is not completely apparent why Mom casts you as audience or to her communications, but you smell a manipulative maneuver.
What does this tell you about mom and her difficult ways?
No matter what the reason or reasons, it is indirect, not altogether sensitive and, wait for it; the hallmark of a difficult mother who is driven more by her needs than regard for your feelings.
Self–absorbed, for sure.
Yes, of course, that is the truth of it, as always. The interaction is driven by the fact that the difficult mom has to prove herself, both to herself and to others.
You are merely a come with.
It is and isn’t personal. That is both the good news and the bad news.
The calculator in mom’s unconscious has done the math and determined that it is perfectly acceptable for her to use you to make herself look good.
The sad truth of the matter is – she may not even be aware that her actions leave you feeling hurt.
In fact, you feel bad but tell yourself to stop being so sensitive.
I have a better idea-
Instead of asking “am I too sensitive?”
What if you aren’t too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don’t count.
What if this treatment leaves you feeling like you really don’t matter… for a good reason.
What if the reason has nothing to do with you?
*Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger?
*Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced?
This kind of unbalance has its fingerprint in every interaction with the difficult mother. If you recognize yourself, I am here to tell you this dynamic is stealing your confidence. This corrosive dynamic undermines your self -esteem.
You end up living a life that is based on making someone else happy at your expense.
Will you go on quietly as the Good Daughter, or will you choose to become real?
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Audio-Exposing-3-Ways-The-Difficult-Mother-Gets-Her-Needs-Met-At-Her-Daughters-Expense-Through-Email-8_18_17-9.18-AM.m4a
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Will You Speak Up to Your Narcissistic/ Difficult Mom? What Does It Cost You When You Don’t? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
October 18, 2017
Are You Working for Mom’s Approval Instead of Living Your Own Life?
Have you spent much of your life trying to please mom instead of following your heart?
At some point, you need to ask yourself, “Whose life, is it”?
Will a lifetime go by before you are ready to stop living for mom and start living for yourself?
( click cc if you would like closed captions)
Many women feel like there is never a good time to set healthy boundaries with mom.
They keep putting it off hoping for the right time.
Before you know it- decades go by… and patterns and expectations become set in stone- or so it would seem.
Mom hijacks the holidays once again- making it about her needs. Or Mom has weighed in on every parenting, dating, job decision for so long- it gets hard and harder to establish new patterns.
When you spend a lifetime trying to please mom, your voice gets lost and it becomes harder to find it.
Click To Tweet
Yet, despite their frustration, women in their 20s and 30s, don’t really have an acute sense of time.
They assume they have forever. They will get around to living life their way, …someday.
Then, in their mid-30s, approaching 40, they start to wish that they had done some of the hard work in setting boundaries with their mother.
Wishing mom will change isn't a viable plan. And it most certainly isn't a two-way street.
Click To Tweet
It dawns on women in mid-life they get this one life and it matters how they spend it.
Try to make mom happy, try to please mom, try to get approval from mom; is this a way to spend a lifetime?
Click To Tweet
Here is the bottom line truth-
If you don’t stand up for yourself and your own needs no one else is going to do it for you.
This is the grown-up reality. Being kind and patient waiting for the pay off can be futile- and can waste an entire lifetime.
This is a huge revelation for many good daughters.
They wake up to the fact that simply being a good girl is not going to get them what they hoped.
They wait patiently for it to finally be their turn, only to find their turn never comes.
The pot at the end of the people-pleasing rainbow is empty and time will eventually run out.
I can’t stress how devastating this is for some daughters. Many have no idea that they were unconsciously waiting to be taken care of until it dawns on them that this is never going to happen.
Is it too late?
I would like to bring you this personal message.
I’m older. I’m 57 myself. I wished that I had set some boundaries early on in my life.
I want to support other women in doing the hard work of setting boundaries while they still have a lot of life ahead of them. Life can be so much more rewarding when you are working for your own approval instead of working for mom’s approval.
I can tell you three things for sure-
1)It’s never too late
2) It never gets easy.
3)If you are willing to do the work the rewards are many.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Are You Working for Mom’s Approval Instead of Living Your Own Life? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Will You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Please Mom?
Have you spent much of your life trying to please mom instead of following your heart?
At some point, you need to ask yourself, “Whose life, is it”?
Will a lifetime go by before you are ready to stop living for mom and start living for yourself?
( click cc if you would like closed captions)
Many women feel like there is never a good time to set healthy boundaries with mom.
They keep putting it off hoping for the right time.
Before you know it- decades go by… and patterns and expectations become set in stone- or so it would seem.
Mom hijacks the holidays once again- making it about her needs. Or Mom has weighed in on every parenting, dating, job decision for so long- it gets hard and harder to establish new patterns.
Your voice gets lost and it gets harder to find it.
Yet, despite their frustration, women in their 20s and 30s, don’t really have an acute sense of time.
They assume they have forever. They will get around to living life their way, …someday.
Then, in their mid-30s, approaching 40, they start to wish that they had done some of the hard work in setting boundaries with their mother.
They realize wishing their mother would change isn’t a viable plan. And it most certainly isn’t a two-way street.
It dawns on women in mid-life they get this one life and it matters how they spend it.
Try to make mom happy, try to please mom, try to get approval from mom; is this a way to spend a lifetime?
Here is the bottom line truth-
If you don’t stand up for yourself and your own needs no one else is going to do it for you.
This is the grown-up reality. Being kind and patient waiting for the pay off can be futile- and can waste an entire lifetime.
This is a huge revelation for many good daughters.
They wake up to the fact that simply being a good girl is not going to get them what they hoped.
They wait patiently for it to finally be their turn, only to find their turn never comes.
The pot at the end of the people-pleasing rainbow is empty and time will eventually run out.
I can’t stress how devastating this is for some daughters. Many have no idea that they were unconsciously waiting to be taken care of until it dawns on them that this is never going to happen.
Is it too late?
I would like to bring you this personal message.
I’m older. I’m 57 myself. I wished that I had set some boundaries early on in my life.
I want to support other women in doing the hard work of setting boundaries while they still have a lot of life ahead of them.
I can tell you three things for sure-
1)It’s never too late
2) It never gets easy.
3)If you are willing to do the work the rewards are many.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Will You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Please Mom? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
October 11, 2017
Are You Just Blaming Mom For Everything?
Do daughters revel in their anger towards their difficult mothers?Blame mom! Rail against mom! If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother, right?
Although it might look this way on the surface, in my 30 years as a psychotherapist, I find quite the opposite is true. Here is what I mean-
In my experience, I find most daughters want to feel love from… and towards their mothers.
Especially daughters of Narcissistic or difficult mothers long to feel the love and approval which often feels just out of reach.
Here is what I know to be true-
You work so hard for mom to be happy with you.
Then you spiral down into feelings of resentment and anger as you drown in doubt that you will ever be good enough for mom.
My guess is- you don’t want to feel angry and resentful.
To feel this angry hurts your heart and wears you down. It is exhausting and erodes your self-confidence.
So many daughters trapped in the role of the “Good daughters” keep trying to be good for mom in hopes that she will approve of them.
They think this is the key.
Because-
There is a part of us that holds out mother love as a guarantee, a right, a law of the universe.
Despite evidence to the contrary, this mythology persists.
We cling to it.
We insist it is true.
As a result, the good daughter feels unlovable if she doesn’t feel unconditional love from mom.
What is true… is that we are neurologically programmed to make it work, no matter who your mother is.
Because you start off as dependent on mom as a young child, you will twist yourself into a pretzel to create some sort of attachment to get what you need or an approximation thereof.
But the truth is….mothers are only people. People who have had disappointments and injuries of their own.
People, who, many times have lost touch with what is best about them.
Some are cruel, deeply flawed and pass down unspeakable harm.
Some are slightly difficult, never take ownership of their flaws or let you down in ways that are hard to get over.
You may ask yourself, am I doomed?
I would argue no, you are not doomed. However, if you are like me and many I have counseled, I’d say there are two traps you are in danger of falling in to.
1) Force yourself to be grateful for what you got from mom
Or-
2) Stand angry, accusatory and feel forever broken.
Neither stance is helpful and here is why-
One keeps you stuck in denial and the other keeps you stuck in anger.
Here’s how this works-
1. Deny that mom is hurting you and force yourself to focus on the positive.
She is your mother after all.
By making her right when she is hurting you and making you wrong – you protect mom at your expense.
The problems with this are two-fold.
A) The feelings are repressed and don’t go away. The dysfunction continues, you don’t get closer to mom only more enmeshed.
B) What you don’t pass back, you pass on… acting in ways towards your own daughter that hurt her while you can’t see it. And what you can’t see, you can’t change.
2. Stay stuck in anger. Gather up evidence of your mother’s wrongdoing so that you will feel right by making her wrong. Blame all of your life’s problems on her and never move past the feeling of being a victim.
You need her to be wrong for you to feel that you are right.
You can’t work through the feelings if you deny them or remain a victim of them.
So what can you do?
There is a 3rd way. This is the conscious way.
Your grief and disappointment around what you didn’t get from mom can serve as a portal to an expanded consciousness.
By accepting that mom is human and thus prone to being flawed herself – you can move into an adult conscious stance with her and more importantly with yourself.
You can start taking care of yourself and living your life to the fullest.
By facing the upsetting emotions they stop controlling you.
Consciousness is power.
You definitely are not doomed.
In fact, you can empower yourself by making conscious decisions about what to do with this grief you didn’t choose to feel.
Although this may at first seem counterintuitive, there is a way in which you can turn the feeling of being a victim of your difficult mother into conscious awareness that makes you a more compassionate and empowered person.
You tap into the vulnerability that makes us all connected and the kindness that heals us.
All of your relationships become more real.
As you work to become aware of ways you have been harmed, set healthy boundaries and heal your heart, you elevate your consciousness, move through the stuck feelings and develop in yourself powers you never knew were there.
You are only a victim or a doormat if you choose to stay one.
And no, you are not just bitching about or blaming mom.
Approached the right way, you grow in awareness.
As a conscious daughter, you didn’t choose this hurt yet you can use it to transform and heal your life.
This is how we rise.
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Audio-Are-You-An-Ungrateful-Brat-Or-A-Long-Suffering-Victim-Of-Your-Narcissistic.-Difficult-Mother_-8_18_17-8.58-AM.m4a
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
Let’s start with getting a handle on the anxiety.
GET YOUR FREE MEDITATION
Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?
Here is a Free meditation I created just for you
The post Are You Just Blaming Mom For Everything? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
October 4, 2017
Why the Mother Who Lives in Your Head is the One Who Matters. [VIDEO]
Here’s how-
Transcript
Mother Daughter Relationship Issues: The Internalized Mother. How your relationship with your mother (past or present) effects your feelings about yourself today.
A child internalizes his or her mother and carries his or her parent inside themselves at the psychological level.
This internalized mother can have an effect on her child even when she is not close by.
The Internalized Mother- Your relationship with your mother (past or present) effects your feelings about yourself today.
Like it or not, whether or mother’s living or not, your relationship with her ( then and now) really matters.
It doesn’t have to be the ongoing current relationship that gives you trouble. It can be the internalized mother that is soothing or torturing you.
We experience… and then take in attachment figures from childhood. Those figures live on in our hearts and minds long after childhood is over.
These are called an introjects.
We take them in and we relate to them as if they were present in our lives.
We take our mothers in and relate to her even when she is nowhere in sight.
That’s the reason why you might feel guilty or check in with yourself and ask…what would my mother think?
It may be out of conscious awareness that you’re relating to this introject.
If mom was hypercritical, her daughter’s self-talk will be critical if she doesn’t work to separate the two voices.
To really sort through how you got mom’s approval and whether or not that’s best for you in the here and now is important.
Many times daughters struggle with the question-
“How do I take care of myself, do what’s best for me… and still feel like a good person?”.
“How do I set healthy boundaries with my mother and still feel good about myself?”
The ways in which you learned to be a good girl for mom… may not be best for you in the present.
This is complicated and individual but it’s so important to establish a healthy sense of self, that with a healthy sense of separation from mom in order to decide what’s best for you.
P.S. It is essential that a daughter challenge and eventually rid herself of the hyper-critical statements from a critical mom. These can be deadly to her sense of self-worth.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Why the Mother Who Lives in Your Head is the One Who Matters. [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
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