Katherine Fabrizio's Blog, page 13
December 27, 2017
When the Pedestal Becomes Your Prison – The “Good” Daughter Trap
Thundering applause and you take your bow. An audience of one holds you in her sights. Mom approves!
You have gotten into the college of your choice. You’ve scored a promotion or delivered mom’s first grandchild.
You picked out an outfit that pleases, doesn’t show too much but is flattering yet ladylike. (You wish you didn’t care so much or have to work so hard at this)
Whatever it takes- you feel that you've passed the finish line, crossed the grand divide that separates you from mom's approval.
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But wait – this isn’t the end of the story.
You are in the “good” daughter trap.
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The good feeling rarely lasts.
Here’s the way the “good” daughter trap works-
When mom lifts you up and puts you on a pedestal -it feels so good.
Tentative, but good.
You do the thing that makes mom glow.
You’re good. Mom’s good.
But…
Here’s the thing – it’s hard to live on a pedestal.
Impossible actually.
You are always worried about slipping off. It’s confining up there- no room to move and a terrifying drop if you fall.
Plus, the prospect of falling is always there.
One slip up and down you go…
If you are completely honest with yourself, you wish your success didn’t matter so much to mom.
(Besides, it makes you anxious that you will lose your footing. Or even say or do something that disappoints mom. It’s all so tentative. You’ll never know what will make her and her opinion of you crumble.)
You want to be able to make mistakes, struggle, stretch and try your wings without feeling like you will destroy mom if you don't get it right.
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You feel like you want to scream, to get out of this straight jacket and live like everyone else.
The only problem is that the expectations set for you are sky high.
The very same “good” daughter behavior that elevates you in mom’s eyes traps you in a prison. Here’s how –
Transcript
Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for The Good Daughter Syndrome. I’ve been seeing women in psychotherapy for 30 years. I’ve come to identify several things about The Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I’ve seen, I call The Pedestal and The Prison.
The good daughter gets lots of accolades. Mom usually has praise. She has praise, she’s your highest cheerleader and your harshest critic many times. When you come through, when you do something that pleases mom, you’re put on a pedestal.
Then when you want to push back, make your own decisions. Set some boundaries because that very pedestal can become a prison.
You’re the only person mom can count on.
When you’ve reached a level of what you would say is perfection, I don’t like that word, but a certain level. Many good daughters feel like they have to maintain that level. This is exhausting and is not a real way for anyone to live.
This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for The Good Daughter Syndrome.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post When the Pedestal Becomes Your Prison – The “Good” Daughter Trap appeared first on Daughters Rising.
December 20, 2017
Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body; A Meditation for Healing the Mother Wound
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In Healing The Mother Wound You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body
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An Overview
It isn’t enough to understand what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough. To heal this mother wound, you must first be in touch with the emotional pain. Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain. You know dealing with your mother leaves you with bad feelings. You aren’t sure what to do with them.
What can you do?
I explore the reasons embodied experiences are essential for healing the mother wound. In the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied. It’s obvious that she affected you. First in your body in a sensory, physical way before you said your first word.
Therefore it makes sense that……. Healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements.
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HOW CAN YOU INCORPORATE THESE ELEMENTS TO HEAL?
1) Movement is for healing and soothing. The rocking motion that mimics the motion in the womb. This is still soothing to the nervous system, as a baby or as an adult. You are wired to be soothed by rhythmic movement. Walking, running/jogging or dancing can be cathartic, empowering and healing. Even holding yourself and rocking back and forth has proven to reset the psyche from trauma.
2) Soothing sounds can be soothing and empowering. First experienced as cooing or lilting maternal voices. Brain entrainment meditations ( like the free one at the end of this post) Isn’t It Too Late For That?
You are not as stuck, or limited, by the original experiences you have had with a Difficult Mother as we once thought. The good news is that your brain and your nervous system can still heal and benefit as an adult.
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A popular saying in neurological circles is “The brain is plastic.” & “What fires together wires together.” You can create experiences that change the structure of the brain. You can learn to shift to self-soothing. While it has been years (or could be never) since you were soothed in this way, your body remembers.
It will respond to
a) soothing rhythms that mimic a mother’s heartbeat
b) regulated breathing that massages you from the inside out
c) sound frequencies that entrain your brain to experience relaxed states as you listen.
As we now know, the brain can be rewired when we give it targeted, intentionally corrective experiences.
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You can learn to tune into yourself.
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Isn’t that the key – give to yourself these primal healing experiences that you can access ?
When Can I Use This Meditation?
Use this meditation when:
1) You are making changes in your relationship with your actual mother. (You need to address the anxiety you encounter when you are working to make changes. That anxiety can threaten to drive you right back to doing things the same way.)
2) If you have gone “no contact”, the feelings you must endure to keep your resolve can be crippling. Ensure you have supportive practices to help.
3) You get off the phone, or have a troubling encounter with mom, and don’t want to act out of emotion. You want to cool off, get perspective, and think with a rational head. All these are important reasons to learn self-regulation/ self-soothing methods for yourself.
In doing so, you learn to rely on yourself for feeling good. This is the key to calm, clarity, and the self-confidence you are seeking. Most therapists don’t know that talking alone is rarely enough. You need to dive deep into curative experiences. Also to intellectual and emotional understanding.
This is what you need to soothe the anxiety, heal the mother wound and come home to yourself.
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Access this meditation and feel the soothing effects immediately.
Let me know how it goes for you.
This is how we rise.
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-Mother-Wound-Are-Felt-In-The-Body-Healing-Happens-There-Too-8_13_17-4.14-PM.m4a
Here is a free meditation to get you started.
Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?
Here is a Free meditation I created just for you.
GET YOUR FREE MEDITATION
Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?
Here is a Free meditation I created just for you
The post Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body; A Meditation for Healing the Mother Wound appeared first on Daughters Rising.
December 13, 2017
When Mom Won’t Let Go; Why This is a Problem
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When Mom won’t let go-
Sometimes mothers look to their daughters for emotional closeness in ways that prevent their daughters from leaving home and making a healthy separation.
When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner.
No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.
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Mom needs to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.
Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom.
Yet, if this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner.
In other words, in health, she needs to choose her partner over her mother.
This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.
It is mom’s job to, let go accept her daughter’s leaving and her choice of a new partner.
It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave her role as a child.
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This is the way of healthy development.
Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities.
Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification.
Letting go is the path towards growth.
However, When mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy.
Only dysfunction and misery is bound to follow.
When mothers look to their daughters to take care of them emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… they place an unnecessary burden on their daughters.
This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves.
Here is how this happens –
Transcript
Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I say that my clients talk about that’s, I see that happens really frequently … Many times mom doesn’t have a primary or a good connection with the partner. She may be married. She may be divorced. But in this scenario, many times she’s looking to the daughter for closeness and connection.
Well, why is this a problem? Well, if the daughter is trying to establish their primary connection with their intimate partner, there’s always this tension. Mom’s always pulling the daughter to do things her way.
It’s like a loyalty struggle that’s like of underground, and not really overtly talked about, yet can exert a lot of pressure on the good daughter’s marriage if what she needs to do is to establish her primary connection with her partner.
If mom is suddenly undermining it in some ways because she’s not maintaining her connection with her partner, or actively looking for one. This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter who’s struggling with the Good Daughter Syndrome.
A postscript-
It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.
If a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment.
First, mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter
This resentment manifests in ways that are ultimately bad for the mother/daughter relationship setting the stage for dysfunction.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post When Mom Won’t Let Go; Why This is a Problem appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Do You Feel Like You Need To Take Care of Mom? Why This is a Problem
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Sometimes mothers look to their daughters for emotional closeness in ways that prevent their daughters from leaving home and making a healthy separation.
When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner.
No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both.
[image error]
Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom.
Yet, if this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner.
In other words, in health, she needs to choose her partner over her mother.
This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.
It is mom’s job to accept her daughter’s leaving and her choice of a new partner.
It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave her role as a child.
[image error]
This is the way of healthy development.
Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities.
Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification.
Letting go is the path towards growth.
However, When mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy.
Only dysfunction and misery is bound to follow.
When mothers look to their daughters to take care of them emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… they place an unnecessary burden on their daughters.
This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves.
Here is how this happens –
Transcript
Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I say that my clients talk about that’s, I see that happens really frequently … Many times mom doesn’t have a primary or a good connection with the partner. She may be married. She may be divorced. But in this scenario, many times she’s looking to the daughter for closeness and connection.
Well, why is this a problem? Well, if the daughter is trying to establish their primary connection with their intimate partner, there’s always this tension. Mom’s always pulling the daughter to do things her way.
It’s like a loyalty struggle that’s like of underground, and not really overtly talked about, yet can exert a lot of pressure on the good daughter’s marriage if what she needs to do is to establish her primary connection with her partner.
If mom is suddenly undermining it in some ways because she’s not maintaining her connection with her partner, or actively looking for one. This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter who’s struggling with the Good Daughter Syndrome.
It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.
If a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment. This resentment manifests in ways that are ultimately bad for the mother/daughter relationship setting the stage for dsyfunction.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Do You Feel Like You Need To Take Care of Mom? Why This is a Problem appeared first on Daughters Rising.
December 6, 2017
Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence
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Let’s face it, mothers and daughters have a history.
Is it any wonder they have issues?
No other relationship is tasked with wrestling the competing urges of dependence and independence right from the get-go.
From labor’s first contractions, mothers are both holding on to and letting go of their children.
Let’s first bear witness to the struggle placed before mothers and daughters.
Considering one of the duos started off in the other’s body, it is no wonder the path from dependence to independence is a journey.
First conceived of, then conceived, carried and finally labored over, a mother and daughter travel many an emotional and developmental mile.
One that is reiterated many times over during the time mothers and daughters relate to each other.
How it all begins-
Once baby arrives, mom takes care of baby… yes the helpless baby who can’t feed diaper or even hold up her head.
They bond or let’s be real here. They fall in love.
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If all goes well, they look into one another’s eyes and find that they only have eyes for each other.
This bonding is neurologically programmed into our DNA to ensure survival! The early babyhood stage starts at dependence and vulnerability.
For mom – life as she knew it, is over. Her body is broken open, sore nipples and sleepless nights set the stage for a tremendous level of sacrifice.
Depending on whether mom is psychologically sound and has support will influence to a great degree how well she adapts to this very difficult role.
For baby- well the baby is just being a baby, laying down the psychological hard drive she will operate from the rest of her days.
Psychologists say it is the time you can never remember yet you never forget. It is that basic, that fundamental.
But this story has a trajectory.
Baby’s job is to grow from complete dependence to mastery and independence.
At about year one and a half…. just when mom says to herself,” I’ve got this! ”the game changes.
Her job goes from being everything to the young fledgling, to learning how to let go.
She must increasingly relinquish control as baby gains independence. Talk about a job description rewrite!
So it all begins. At best, baby and mom ally enough and delight at babies progress.
At best, mom knows instinctively that babies progress is a result of her good enough mothering. Then both mom and baby can feel good about babies burgeoning independent functioning.” Look I did it myself!”
Mom keeps track of the developmental milestones- perhaps proudly reporting to the playgroup moms or perhaps to her own mom the progress being made.
Baby, well baby, just feels good or protests in more or less effective ways to let mom know when she doesn’t.
The hard drive of her experience of life is laid down.
If all goes well or good enough, baby learns that life feels good and doing for self-feels even better.
And when it doesn’t all go swimmingly, mom’s arms or lap is the go-to place where she mommy makes it all better.
Refuel and reset in mom’s lap.
When in resonance this all feels good.
There are enough good feelings to go around. But in music, like life, there is the dark note playing in the background, the counterpoint.
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Every step taken is a step away from mommy.
If all goes well, mom is working herself out of a job.
How mom copes with this reality and loss tells the tale of whether or not separation will go well.
For many mothers and daughters, this dance can get complicated and convoluted.
Particularly if mom has a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality disorder or if mom is depressed or addicted.
If this is the case, moms mothering can be woefully impaired and daughters can have a lifetime of suffering because of it.
This already difficult dance from dependence to independence become nearly impossible.
Mother/Daughter relationship issues start very early on, are complex, and involve the psychological core of both mother and daughter.
Understanding and navigating a daughter’s recovery from being mothered by a difficult/impaired mother takes understanding the developmental tasks of both mothers and daughters.
So much is at stake. A daughter needs to heal her wounds before she can effectively parent her own daughter.
Any approach to healing must include a compassionate understanding of the difficult psychological tasks at hand.
This article first appeared on my sister site https://raleighcounselingandtherapy.com/
The post Mothers & Daughters: The Delicate Dance From Dependence to Independence appeared first on Daughters Rising.
November 29, 2017
Behind the Mask – What the “Good Daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother would tell you if she could.
Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask, than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?”
There is no joy, nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident.
This smile is designed to keep you out rather than invite you in.
This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection.
If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this-
“I’d rather take a razor blade to my arm than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting.
I don’t trust myself to be anything but people pleasing, yet I don’t trust people.
I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.”
She’s learned to be good instead of real.
“Listen closer, and you will hear her say, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered.
If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it.
I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K. I’d better be.”
You see growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok.
That’s why, if I did complain I was told,
“You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”
Why she can’t tell her Mother how she feels?
“I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself.
Besides, any discussion about me always ends up about her. My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”
The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness.
“Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me.
When I’m not good, my real self-threatens to break through.
The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself.
So, I cut, exercise or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure.
I’m not always self-destructive.
Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in, or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt.
I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out.”
Success is only a stay of execution.
“I can never let my guard down completely.
If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head.
Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale.
I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask.
Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me.
So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”
The reason she stays trapped-
“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume.
The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume.
What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom.
Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt.
I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her.
That’s the real trap. The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it.
When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.
But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.”
Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough.
“Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her?
That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy or acting like a plastic doll.
Can’t she see it is a performance, not a life?
As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup.
Trying to please her is exhausting and endless.
I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough.
So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn.“
Can this ever change?
After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat.
Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.
A cry that can be answered –
A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life.
Because living for someone else is no way to live.
This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com
The post Behind the Mask – What the “Good Daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother would tell you if she could. appeared first on Daughters Rising.
November 22, 2017
Internal Liberation is the New Powerful Face of Feminism!
THIS is the new face of Feminism.
For yourself and your daughter. This is SOOOOOO not your mother’s Feminism-
While we have made great strides in removing the external barriers to liberation, the internal barriers to liberation remain largely untouched.
Let me propose a radical notion to you.
And at the center of your liberation as a woman is your relationship with mom.
You learned first from her how love felt and who you were as a female. Identity and attachment learned through her treatment of you and her example.
What she experienced is, in some way, handed down to you in your relationship with her. Much of this sticks with you at the unconscious level.
Was mom truly content? Did she feel good about herself, and her choices? What did she have to do to take her place at the table? Did she have to claw and scratch, doing twice as much as her male counterparts, not having any other choice? Did she live with double standards and pass her bitterness, along with her potato salad recipe, down to you?
Many a mom had to fight for her place in a man’s world by running her masculine energy. 
And in doing so, lost touch with the most powerful thing about her, her feminine essence.
The culture told her that she had arrived. She could work all day, come home in the evening to make supper and oversee homework. To have it all, she had to do it all. Even if she didn’t work outside the home, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, providing religious and educational opportunities all lay at mom’s feet.
Double standards of almost every kind nipped at mom’s heels.
Baked into this pressure cooker existence, was the expectation that mom be everything to everyone.
For some mothers, severe psychological problems found their foothold resulting in personality disorders, addiction, anxiety, and depression. The mothers who were the most fragile buckled under the pressure.
If you were raised by such a mother, this left you incredibly vulnerable. At a time when being a woman and a mother was difficult at best, being the daughter of a wounded mother left you with emotional wounds and unconscious conflicts.
We all have a pretty straightforward image of the raging or neglectful father. But the mother who knocks herself out on the front end then takes out a pound of flesh in cutting comments or micromanaging hyper control on the backend, is more insidious and harder to decipher.
Yet, you feel the strings attached to everything she says or does for you.
To differing degrees, you bear the collateral damage of a culture that didn’t quite know what to do with the first generation of liberated daughters. They had come some of the way but definitely not all the way.
As the daughters of this first generation of liberation, the legacy you inherited has been difficult to understand.
Getting it back isn’t about bubble baths, or bitchfests, blaming mom. This is about getting real, going deep, and staring down the mixed messages mothers have handed down to daughters.
Messages that say you aren’t enough unless you run yourself ragged trying to please everyone.
Messages that keep you ashamed of your body and your sexuality.
Messages that tell you that you are responsible for your children’s success.
Messages that mom shouldn’t have had to accept in the first place.
Taking Feminine back is about elevating the old and rising up with the new paradigm.
Where being strong is less about acting like a man and more about accessing your feminine power.
Where Kind isn’t pleasing everyone.
Where Compassionate isn’t constantly apologizing and endlessly explaining yourself.
Where Nurturing isn’t being at everyone’s beck-and-call.
The New Face of the Feminine is rooted in deeply-considered action that is based on clarity. The clarity that comes from being thoughtful and compassionate. Liberating your feminine nature rather than overriding it with masculine energy.
This is what has been woefully missing in the liberation debate. Interpersonal liberation is what happens one mother/daughter relationship at a time.
Heal the relationship with your mother and by default, you convey power and liberation to your daughter.
Standing up to your mother, taking your power back as a woman and as a daughter is a feminist act.
Arguably, it is THE most important feminist act in making a real change in consciousness.
If you don’t become aware of the unconscious lies that say you aren’t good enough as a woman and a daughter, you can’t rise above them.
Psychologist know, what you don’t pass back, you are destined to pass on. First to yourself, then to your sisters and finally to your daughters. This cycle of passing down the destructive mixed messages, undercutting self-esteem, disempowering double-speak has had her day.
This is where the daughter, trapped in the role of the “Good Daughter”, breaks free and gets real.
Are you ready to become truly liberated from the inside out?
This is how we rise.
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Audio-Internal-Liberation-That-Empowers-Both-You-Your-Daughter-8_18_17-9.32-AM.m4a
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Internal Liberation is the New Powerful Face of Feminism! appeared first on Daughters Rising.
November 15, 2017
Calling Mom Out; Why It Makes You Feel Guilty
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You have been stuffing your feelings for so long.
The anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out.
So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom.
You feel guilty for calling mom out.
What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you.
Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck.
You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you.
The good daughter of the Narcissistic or difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn't want to hurt her.
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This is a tricky combination.
Calling mom out is done with a heavy heart.
Transcript-
This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.
One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.
Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.
So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.
Postscript-
There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom.
Make no mistake- I am relentless, some might say brutal in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters. Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters.
Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.
There is an attachment, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother.
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I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact.
After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-
If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior.
You will crumble in a heap of guilt.
Even when you need to stand your ground, speak out and call out mom’s hurtful behavior.
Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place.
Sometimes a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you.
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Sometimes mom can’t or won’t come along. That’s ok.
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To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself.
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Mom – I feel ( frustrated, angry, sad, dismissed, forgotten) when you ( criticize, dismiss, ignore) me. I want to have a good relationship with you but this gets in the way of that.
With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women can do better. We can do this. As daughters rising we must lead the way.
Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Calling Mom Out; Why It Makes You Feel Guilty appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Calling Mom Out; Why It’s So Hard
You have been stuffing your feelings for so long. The anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out.
So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom.
What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you.
Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck.
You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you.
The good daughter of the Narcissistic or difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn’t want to hurt her.
Calling her out is done with a heavy heart.
Transcript-
This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.
One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.
Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.
So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.
Postscript-
There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom.
Make no mistake- I am relentless, some might say brutal in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters. Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters.
Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.
There is an attachment, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother.
I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact.
After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-
If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior.
You will crumble in a heap of guilt.
Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place.
With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women can do better. We can do this. As daughters rising we must lead the way.
Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Calling Mom Out; Why It’s So Hard appeared first on Daughters Rising.
November 12, 2017
How The “Difficult Mother” Shuts Her Daughter Down
When you screw up your courage and tell mom something she is doing is hurtful how does she react?
Do you understand why she does this and the effect it has on you?
Watch below-
Transcript
This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter suffering from the good daughter syndrome. In my book Daughters Rising I dispel lots of mixed messages difficult mothers give to daughters, one of which is a comeback when a daughter says, “Mom, you know when you do such and such it really bothers me.” Which it took courage to do that, and the mother comes back and says, “Well, I guess I’m just a horrible mother.” The mixed message is “After all I’ve done for you, how dare you criticize me.”
Now a healthy relationship isn’t built on this kind of agreement. The self-sacrifice on the mother’s part, and then the daughter’s ham-stringed, hogtied, can’t fully engage with the mother. I mean, all relationships need some adjustment and repair as you go along, but in any relationship that’s like this, it’s tied together where one person can’t criticize another or tell another that what they’re doing hurts them.
Forget criticize, what they’re doing hurts them. Then if the mother puts it on the plane of “and if you criticize me at all you are throwing away everything I’ve done for you.”
So it’s got to be either I’m perfect, or I’m awful, and you decide.
And what are most daughters going to decide? They decide it just doesn’t go so well when I tell my mother the truth, so what usually happens is it limits what can be conveyed from mother to daughter.
It limits the relationship, so it’s a lose/lose. Maybe mom won that skirmish, but she really doesn’t win what she ultimately wants, which I think in most cases is an honest and open exchange that builds trust in a relationship.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post How The “Difficult Mother” Shuts Her Daughter Down appeared first on Daughters Rising.
