Katherine Fabrizio's Blog, page 15

Daughters of the Lie: Lies Your Mother Told You and the Truth That Will Set You Free

 

” I know what I should do. I just can’t make myself do what I need to do.”  After 30 years of listening to women in psychotherapy, I have heard the same problems over and over.

The mother, who can’t stop micromanaging her child and wonders why she is floundering. The wife, who is stuck in a loveless marriage doing it all, and can’t bring herself to leave. The single mother, who always gives more than she gets, and settles for far less than she should.

They all know what they should do. But they can’t bring themselves to do what they know.

 The voice of self-doubt drags many of these women down and pins them to lives that are far less meaningful and satisfying than they could be.

But where-oh-where is this voice of self-doubt coming from?

This voice is no stranger.

In fact, the voice whispering at the edge of my client’s awareness is the first voice she heard. It is the same voice that soothed, comforted, and encouraged her. This voice was the voice who first delighted in her daughter’s very existence. This is the voice, and face, of her first love.

This is the voice of the mother. 

How can a mother who loves her daughter harm her?

Most likely she wouldn’t, not unless she was harmed herself and carries this hurt at the unconscious level.

You see, many times, Mom herself was confused. She was trying to meet the impossible standards, expected of women in her time.

She was trying to live up to the patriarchal ideal of femininity and motherhood.

According to this patriarchal standard of a good mother, mom must be selfless. Likewise, she must be pretty, and demure enough to attract a man, but she mustn’t be a sexual creature.

Anything else and she was considered cheap and/or easy. 

She walked a fine line between pretty and slutty, womanly and chaste.  A fine line to walk, indeed, since she was held responsible for the behavior she evoked.

Mom had no choice but to buy into the rules.

Mom didn’t make the rules. She obeyed them.  She saw firsthand the women who dared break them. 

She saw the friend, who became pregnant, fall into poverty, her hopes and dreams of economic security dashed.  She saw the woman, who dared to divorce the husband who beat her, shunned by her fellow church “friends” or neighbors.  

At work, mom was expected to deny herself. No one wanted to know about her discomfort.

She suffered through control top pantyhose and high heels that pinched.

Power suits her only amour as she fought for relevance in the male-dominated and created, world of work. Mom frequently bumped her head on invisible glass ceilings that held her back and down.

Shoulder pads, in fashion at the time, squared her shoulders as she also shouldered the lion’s share of responsibility at home, many times following a hard day at the office.

Double standards were so much the codified norm; mom didn’t think to question them.

Every woman knew implicitly, this was the price to pay for having it all.

If a woman didn’t play by the unspoken but keenly felt rules, she suffered.

What’s more, mom saw first hand, the jealousy and petty envy that targeted women who were successful in their own right.

And mom became very afraid, afraid for her daughter.

So this voice fearful for her daughter cautioned her not to be too much, want too much, or feel too good.  

The message, right at the edge of awareness, whispered, ” to be a good girl and a good daughter, you must not live too large, ask for too much, or be too much trouble.

You must put yourself last.

This is how a mother passes the mark of the patriarchy to her daughter.

To stay attuned and aligned with mom, her daughter feels the pressure to bear this mark, many times at the unconscious level. In this way, mothers and daughters can form an alliance based in their mutual agreement to remain small.

To remain undifferentiated and underdeveloped is encouraged.

  To be good for mom, to remain the “good daughter” is to carry out the patriarchies’ mandate.

The payoff for mom is that her daughter, bearing the mark, will never leave.

Mom conveys the message that says, “As my daughter, you are never to break this spell.  As prisoners of this curse, we will stick together and never grow apart.”

Our pact is this: “You will never grow up completely and, in return, I promise to never leave you.”

In this way, the mother casts a spell onto her nearest and dearest, her daughter.

But leave, and be left, is the way forward in health. To grow, the daughter must leave, and the mother must release her daughter into her own life.

The daughter must grow beyond clinging to, and blaming, her mother. Instead, she needs to stop living to please her mother and learn to please herself.

To please herself, she must first come to know herself. And to know herself, she must shed the messages of the patriarchy.

Some daughters never reach this stage and settle for living small and clinging to mom. It is too scary, too disruptive & too messy to do otherwise.

For the evolved daughter who says….. enough! She has a hard road ahead.

She is the one who will pay the price, the price of freedom from the patriarchy.

Specifically, she is destined to grapple with the patriarchal messages passed down by her own mother.

She must navigate the treacherous journey through guilt, sorrow, betrayal, leaving, and being left…. all a part of her journey towards freedom.

This can be hard lonely work. Yet engaging with and working through stages of anger and grief, is the only way the daughter of the patriarchy can break free.

Just as her ancestors we were burned by the millions, she now must torch the lies that tell her she isn’t good enough. Even if those lies come from her own mother.

Only then can she burn off the patriarchal untruths to render the truth of love and compassion for herself.

Renewed, she will refocus her energies and learn to source her own internal wisdom. The wisdom her mother had to suppress. This is the wisdom of compassion, intuition, and acceptance.

This Feminine wisdom has lain dormant for centuries stomped out by the patriarchy.

So the daughter of the patriarchy must reach back…to a time long, long ago.

The Daughter of the Lie must leave the home of her mother, and go home to her true Feminine Power.

She will crawl into the lap of the Sacred Feminine, and rest in the knowledge that she is enough, just as she is.

When she knows this deep in her bones, She can stop doing, and lean into being. Listen, rather than broadcast. Respond intuitively, rather than control.

Her time is now.

Then she will fly. Only then, can she get her wings back. The wings that were clipped so very long ago, before her mother’s time, and before her mother’s mother’s time.

All the way home, to a time where the true Feminine was regarded as powerful and sacred, the mother of all truth. 

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Audio-Daughters-of-the-Lie-Lies-your-Mother-Told-You-and-the-Truth-That-Wil-Set-You-Free-8_17_17-10.11-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The post Daughters of the Lie: Lies Your Mother Told You and the Truth That Will Set You Free appeared first on Daughters Rising.

How Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter

Do you may feel inadequate, struggle with self-doubt and not know why? Could it be that your mother relates to you in a toxic way and you are so used to it – you can’t see it?

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren’t quite sure where you end, and your mother begins.

You may be so used to living this way you aren’t even aware that life could feel any different.

What makes for a toxic mother?

Underneath many, a demanding or controlling mother’s facade is an insecure person who worries that she will be found out or a meek and mild wounded mother who isn’t outwardly critical but drags her daughter down in more subtle ways.

Narcissism Personality Disorder or Narcissistic traits can be overt or covert. A desperate insecurity lies at the base of each one.

Insecurity is what makes her toxic.

It works like this deep down, mom has little self-worth and needs her daughter to boost her sense of self.

The daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” picks this up at the unconscious level. She experiences herself as an extension of mom and without being fully conscious of why she is doing so and works at being “good” for mom.

Many times the “good daughter” knows, or suspects, her difficult mother is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, or codependent.

The label may or may not be technically correct, however, what the daughter does know for sure-  is that she is very attuned to the effect she has on her mother.

 

Many a difficult mother plays on the Good Daughter’s eagerness to please. The daughter’s childlike self-has a very hard time telling mom things that she knows mom doesn’t want to hear.

Daughters have an almost 6th sense of how mom is feeling about herself and not know how to tell mom to stop giving her unwanted advice and still feel like a good person. 

Here are–3 signs you are carrying your mother’s insecurities into your life

1) You know the phrase all too well ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You will do just about anything to keep mom happy. Even if it means making you, your husband or partner, or children unhappy.  As much as you hate to admit it, making mom happy comes first.

2) You try extra hard to be “good” for mom. You are hyper-aware of how your actions make your mother look to others.

3) You run all of your major life decisions by mom first. If she doesn’t think you should take the job, marry the man, change your hairstyle, you second-guess yourself. 

When a daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” feels she owes mom her happiness, neither party is served. 

This cycle can be insidious and fueled by guilt that many a daughter is unaware that her life has been hijacked by mom’s problems, her insecurities.  She may be unaware that her mother’s problems aren’t really hers to solve.

The Good Daughter buys into the unconscious fantasy that says if she is good enough mom will be O.K.

The problem is…she may spend a lifetime, waste a lifetime trying to be good enough for mom.

And her own daughter will suffer.

Because she is so tied to being good for mom- the adult daughter of the difficult mother can’t be an effective mom to her own daughter.

And it doesn’t work. It can’t work because change, like happiness is an inside job.

You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth.

You can, however, tap into your feminine power, rewire your brain and parent your own daughter from a place of confidence.

By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter.  One impacts the other in powerful ways.

Will you say enough? “I want to clear away the blocks that keep me from being the best mother I can be. The cycle of shame, guilt, and self-doubt stops here.

Audio-

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Audio-Do-You-Have-A-Narcissistic-or-Difficult-Mother-3-Signs-She-has-Passed-Her-Insecurities-to-You-8_13_17-6.41-PM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

The post How Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter appeared first on Daughters Rising.

Does Mom’s ” Helpful” Advice Hurt More Than Help? Here’s why. [VIDEO]

Some mothers criticize their daughters- while passing their criticism off as “helpful advice”.

Delivered from mom’s conscious or unconscious, this “helpful advice” can be a cover for something far more destructive.  Watch how this happens.

Transcription

Hi, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter syndrome. In my book Daughters Rising: Rising From The Hidden Messages of Shame, Guilt and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down To Daughters,

I break down 10 mixed messages mothers give to their daughters. These messages mix caring with covert hostility.  

 

Since the destructive part of the message is often the hidden subtext of a broader meta-message of caring, the hostility affects daughters at the unconscious level.

This makes it harder to detect and call out.

For instance, here is an example of a mixed message a mother gives to her daughter, “I will tell you the truth for your own good.” She often adds,” Nobody but your mother will tell you the truth.”

The overall message indicates that this mother is looking out for her daughter and is the only one who cares enough to be truthful with her.  

This, however, can be a cover or an excuse for delivering a hurtful message while denying the hurtful intent.  

The underlying subtext is this: “As your mother, I have a license to cut you down if you threaten me.”

Many mothers have, on one hand, said, “ I’ll do anything for you.” And then in the same breath say, ”I have a license to tell you the truth- as I see it.”

This is where cruelty and an unnecessary criticism that is leveled at daughters. Everything from the way she looks, her sexuality, to the way she conducts her life. Mom weighs in in a way that is often destructive.

If that daughter somehow threatens her mother- 1) either by fulfilling something that the mother couldn’t fulfill in her own life, or 2)not needing the mother so much anymore– the mother may cut her daughter down to size with a mixed message.

I see in my psychotherapy practice, Adult daughters who struggle with their mother’s mixed messages.  

 These mixed messages undermine their daughter’s confidence and self-worth in ways that are covert and destructive. 

Has this happened to you? Let me know in the comments.

Becoming Aware.

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

The post Does Mom’s ” Helpful” Advice Hurt More Than Help? Here’s why. [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.

Do You Wonder if Mom Will Ever Understand You? This is What You Need To Know

 

Can your mother empathize with you?

Can she get past her defensiveness and put herself in your place?

What if the answer is no?

What if you need to get past this to move on, claim your life for yourself and parent your daughter. How do you do this?

First of all -this can be hard. Very hard.

Those of us who have traveled this road can tell you, there are are some things that don’t get better just because you continue to try.  Trying to get a mother understanding when it isn’t in the cards is one of those.

There comes a time when you need to be your own witness.

As hard as this is, it may be the only way to freedom.

Trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of your difficult mother, you bear the mark of your mother’s pain in this way-

You have put your mother’s needs ahead of your own. In the relationship dynamic, you had no choice.

To end this cycle, you might need to face the fact that justice is only going to come from you, and that will have to be enough.

But the little girl in you wants for mom to understand and approve of you.

You have worked so hard to be good for mom.

But what if you need for her to understand that she is hurting you and she just can’t give you that one?

Because of her limitations, she can’t put herself in your shoes and see things from your perspective.

Some mothers just can’t.

And you have your own little girl looking at you…needing you. She needs you to be there for her. It is decision time.

At some point, the only relevant question becomes whether or not you are going to spend a lifetime trying to be heard and seen by someone who just can’t see you or hear you.

If you’ve talked yourself blue in the face and find yourself always on the defensive, chances are there isn’t anyone home- psychologically speaking.

At least not enough of reflective self to take in what you have to say.

Whether she is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, addicted, a toxic combo or you have simply hit a hot button issue, she might be incapable of taking in what you have to say.

How do I know?

I’ve heard many a daughter, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter on my therapy couch describe this same scenario over and over.

Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can’t truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you.

If mom can’t empathize with you, you cannot experience the understanding you hungry for.

So, one more explanation that falls on deaf ears is one too many.

Let me save you some time, trouble and possible therapy dollars.

 As difficult as it is, at some point, you are better off cutting your losses, grieving and moving on.

Calmly, peacefully and thoughtfully, but definitively.

To continue in the exhausting exercise of explaining yourself reaches a point of diminishing returns.

No one can tell you where this point of diminishing return is. You have to sort it through for yourself.

No contact, low contact or reconfigured contact.

But somewhere, sometime, you will need to let go of explaining yourself to get free.

Whether you are giving up being understood on a certain hot button issue or need more of a relationship overhaul, that is up to you.

Either way, giving up and letting it drop is hard.

She may have limitations she cannot get past. Staying angry with her doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. It only keeps you stuck and feeling guilty.

The positive grown-up thing to do is to accept the loss and give up wishing she was different. You can use that same energy to decide to be different yourself.

Here’s the good news!

Once you make the shift…… you can stop being resentful of your daughter’s needs and start moving into a positive emotional space with her. Paradoxically, when you let go, then you can fill up.

 

You were marked with your mother’s pain. You don’t have to pass that mark on to your daughter. 

Audio

https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Audio-Will-Mom-Ever-Understand-You-What-to-do-if-she-never-does-8_17_17-10.25-AM.m4a

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

This is how we rise.

The post Do You Wonder if Mom Will Ever Understand You? This is What You Need To Know appeared first on Daughters Rising.

Are You Never Good Enough For Mom? You Need To Watch This. [VIDEO]

 

Here is a short examination of what lies at the heart of the Narcissist Mother’s defenses and why her daughter never feels good enough.
P.S. It isn’t your fault. 

Watch here- ( click CC for reading with the sound off) 

Transcript

So this morning’s topic is Recovery from the Narcissistic Mother. Now, what actually happens with the narcissistic mother is that she didn’t get her own needs met and so there are gaps, are holes inside a mom that many times the daughter is looked to, from the mother, to fill.

So, the daughter will have a sense of, no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. That’s a primary feeling, not good enough-ness or if I do this, then mom will have a problem with that and if I do that, mom will have a problem with this.

It’s so important to heal these wounds that are carried down from mother to daughter and separate out what you’re doing to get your mothers approval and really think about what you need yourself, and how to get your own approval and have that be separate. So, here’s to healthy boundaries between mothers and daughters. I’m Katherine Fabrizio

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

The post Are You Never Good Enough For Mom? You Need To Watch This. [VIDEO] appeared first on Daughters Rising.