Katherine Fabrizio's Blog, page 12
February 21, 2018
When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused
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The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted is horrible enough, but when your mother doesn’t believe you or protect you, you suffer a secondary trauma.
Here are some of my thoughts stemming from over 30 years of counseling women in psychotherapy.
Good morning, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the adult daughter of the narcissistic or otherwise difficult mother trapped in the role of the good daughter.
So many women remain silent and never reveal that they were sexually abused or assaulted in the first place.
You know, this morning I was thinking about, with all the sexual assault and sexual abuse allegations in the news, what I see so much in my practice is the primary trauma of the original sexual assault or sexual abuse is horrific and terrible enough and many women keep these incidents secret and carry them to their grave because they feel guilty.
Why do so many women remain silent?
They blame themselves if they were in, in a position… say they were in a place where they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were dressed in a way that they feel like they shouldn’t have been or they were drinking or on and on and on and on- they put the blame on themselves.
So many women in this good daughter role are trained to please other people and be good, which many times involves not being sexual.
Lack of reporting sexual assault/abuse cuts right to the heart of the conflict women feel about their sexuality.
So many women feel ashamed about their sexuality at its core and mom doesn’t help. Mixed messages mothers give to daughters abound. Mom is conflicted and therefore she passes these messages down to her daughter. “Look good but not too good.”
What happens when women speak up and mom doesn’t protect them?
Many women don’t speak up, but sometimes they do and when they do … tell their mothers or the other women in their life and they’re not believed or they might be believed, but the mom says, and I’m going to quote from a comment I got from an article I wrote this week, ” I’ve got two kids to raise and, you know, I’m sorry your stepfather’s doing that to you, but there’s really nothing I can do. This is killing me. You’re making me choose.”
Oh, my God. From that particular client who sent in the comment this week, she, in particular, has lived with this her whole adult life and stayed close to a mother who never stood up for her and protected her.
Now I think it’s very complicated because women haven’t had the economic power that men have had. Some may, quote-unquote need to stay in that relationship.
I think it’s very complicated, but what I want to speak to is what it does to the daughters who dare to speak up.
I see this so many times… that they dare to speak up and are not believed or are not protected by their moms.
What message does it send when mothers don’t believe or don’t protect their own daughters?
It damages daughters forever. They don’t and can’t trust ever again in quite the same way.
I mean, what are they supposed to do with that? It sets them up for a lifetime of incredible internal conflict.
How are they supposed to go forward?
How are they supposed to look at men and, and decide, you know, what you do for a man and what you don’t do for man? When do you sell your soul? What kind of Faustian bargain have you entered into?
Many times it’s a mother who they’re taking care of or they’re looking to for identity and role modeling. When this person becomes mute or overlooks it or it’s, it’s just incredibly life damaging
This has to stop!
What can women do instead?
Yes, people should be allowed due process and all that, but when your daughter speaks up or your best friend speaks up, or women that you work with speaks up, you can take her seriously.
You can become curious.You can ask caring, inquisitive questions that don’t imply a “what did you do? “You know, what was your part in it or don’t imply that because a person was drinking or wore a certain outfit or, went on a date that gives the man permission to force himself on her.
Or if it’s at work, and somebody’s in a higher position, they can say anything they want to somebody in a lower position.
What Sexual assault and abuse is, and is not about;
1. It’s about power. It’s not about sexuality.
2. It’s not about being good.
3.It’s not about being pretty.
4.It’s not about being feminine.
Women and mothers need to have a little mother lion in them and protect their cubs.
What to do instead –
Believe your daughter. Ask her thoughtful questions & empathize.
Don’t make your daughter feel like she’s alone or to blame, whatever you do.
As mothers and daughters let’s nip this in the bud. At least put a stop to the mother/daughter component of it.
Time’s up.
The time is now for mothers to stand up to, believe, and protect their daughters.
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This article was originally published by PsychCentral.com
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post When Mom Doesn’t Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused appeared first on Daughters Rising.
February 13, 2018
Are You Settling in Your Relationship? 8 Lies Women Tell Themselves
From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convince herself to “settle” for less than she should. Here are eight ways women lie to themselves and the critical questions they should be asking themselves instead. 1.“You know John is great. Except, of course, when he isn’t. The good times outnumber the bad.” – Are […]
The post Are You Settling in Your Relationship? 8 Lies Women Tell Themselves appeared first on Daughters Rising.
8 Lies The “Good” Daughter of the Narcissistic Mother Tells Herself About Men- That Makes Her Therapist’s Head Want To Explode
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From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convince herself to “settle” for less than she should.
Here are eight ways women lie to themselves and the critical questions they should be asking themselves instead.
1.“You know John is great. Except, of course, when he isn’t. The good times outnumber the bad.”
– Are you always holding on to the good times and trying to forget the bad ones?
2.“There is a lot about him I do like, but he doesn’t always come through with his promises.”
– Are you still hoping his behavior will somehow get better, that lapses are the exception rather than the rule?
3.“I think he has a lot on his mind these days.”
– Do you always make excuses for him and give him a pass?
4.”I wish he would talk to someone.”
Yep, there is always that one—he isn’t the one on my couch, paying my fee & examining himself, now is he?
5.“I’m just going to give it some time and see how things go.”
Time isn’t going to fix this one; it will only prolong your misery.
6.“I know no one is perfect.”
True, no one is perfect but is he reliable, honest and trustworthy?
7.“I’m not sure whether to say anything or not. I don’t want to come across as demanding or chase him off.”
– Are you selling yourself short, blaming yourself rather than moving on?
8.“I really don’t want to go back out there in the dating pool. You just don’t know how bad it is. I’m not going to find anything better.”
– Is this ever a good reason for settling for less than you should?
( cue here an exploding head)
Translation—In one form or another all these women are all saying the same thing:
“I don’t know what to do with my needs in a relationship.”
Can I just tell you how often I hear the ways my clients sell themselves short? It makes me so sad.
I wonder—how could we as women have failed each other so completely that daughter after daughter keeps throwing herself away and selling herself short? Men will never step up to the plate if we keep settling for less.
As a psychotherapist to women for the past 30 years, I have found Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers internalize disempowering messages from their mothers.
These messages sabotage their well-meaning attempts at finding happiness.
Daughters of Narcissistic or Difficult Mothers carry the unconscious assumption that they must make up for their inherent unworthiness by overcompensating in their relationships.
If you have a Narcissistic Mother and take on the role of the “Good Daughter,” you learned that your needs don’t count—
So you either…
1) Work to manipulate a man, instead of setting the foundation for a good relationship by being genuine and letting things develop in their own time.
Or…
2) Settle for less than you deserve hoping he will come around.
You don’t speak up about the hurt you feel for fear of appearing too needy.
And then you find yourself faithfully waiting & hoping.
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You just want to love and be loved. “Is that asking too much?” you say.
The Narcissistic Mother sends the message to her daughter that the way to be loved is to accommodate and adapt!
Loving your Narcissistic mother may have left you feeling unlovable at worst, or that love is conditional at best.
Or is Mom, not thinking much of herself, saying through her words or example, “Women should settle for less because they don’t deserve equal treatment?”
Is so; you may feel ashamed that you have any needs at all.
You have been unconsciously programmed to put yourself last.
And the more you settle for less, the harder it is to see the inequities or to extricate yourself from an unbalanced relationship.
What you can’t see is that “making it work” is both breaking your heart and chipping away at your self-worth, one compromise at a time.
Here is the truth, as I know it—
Just because Mom was insecure and acted as if she didn’t count, you don’t have to do the same.
When you ask yourself the hard questions that will get to the truth of what is actually going on in your relationship, you protect and value yourself in ways mom couldn’t.
You send empowering messages to your own daughter. Never forget, she is watching you.
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You can grow beyond your Narcissistic Mother’s imprinting.
Paradoxically, when you stop settling and start valuing yourself, you will attract men who will do the same.
Before my head explodes- hear me out. There are some good men out there.
When you give up the Good Daughter role with mom and yourself – you can embrace your inner feminine power. That power is whole, multidimensional and SEXY!
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It starts with you.
I’m going to tell you something you mother couldn’t. Your essential feminine essence is your truth and your power.
Get in touch with her and leave the lies behind for good.
You are so much more than good, daughter.
This article was originally published on PsychCentral.com
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post 8 Lies The “Good” Daughter of the Narcissistic Mother Tells Herself About Men- That Makes Her Therapist’s Head Want To Explode appeared first on Daughters Rising.
February 7, 2018
Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 ( Not So Obvious) Ways To Tell
[image error]Is Your Mother A Covert Narcissist?
After all –
It is all about her, not you.
LOOK AT ME! – Is this not your mom? Not every narcissistic mother is overtly self-centered, braggadocious and vain! Some are self-effacing demure and shy away from the spotlight.
Women have been socialized to appear accommodating and self-effacing. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder.
Mom might be the helicoptering PTA president, a squeaky clean Sunday school teacher or long-suffering martyred momma yet still have an underlying personality disorder.
Don’t be fooled.
Many covert narcissistic mothers have much more subtle telltale moves. Here is how to spot them.
Spot them so you can begin to heal.
FIVE (not so obvious) signs you have a covert narcissistic mother:
Disclaimer- it is important to remember Narcissism isn’t a crime. It is a disorder. If mom has this disorder she is suffering too. She doesn’t consciously decide to act selfishly, she is driven to do it.
When you are making her look good, she glows… but when you are struggling she peppers you with criticism and questions. You have broken a rule you didn’t know was there; your purpose is to make her look good.
If you break this rule you will pay, pay with your self-esteem. There are no practice tests, no dress rehearsals. All of life is a performance. Her limitations can’t withstand tolerating your struggle.
Sadly, It’s about how you make her look as a mother not about supporting you as a daughter.
Subtext: she exists on a steady diet of self-importance, you are there to feed her not the other way around.
When she gives you gifts, there are always strings attached. Gift giving has a push me, pull me feel. She feels so empty herself that she can’t give without extracting something from you.
She may ask for the gift back or tell you what to give her. On holidays, she doesn’t graciously receive the gift you choose for her. She can’t receive; this would mean giving up control.
This subtext is “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. I will control the giving and taking.”
Despite outward appearances to the contray, your life must take a back seat to her needs. When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful.
Again, the subtext is this; it is her needs that are important.
When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you. Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. Something along the lines of I’m SO SORRY for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she MIGHT have done. She was, after all ONLY trying to help.
The subtext is this; you are to answer to her, not the other way around.
This move is designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty. She is protecting the emptiness inside of herself.
When your boundaries about your personal life is not respected. Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand. Not a respectful exchange. You get push back if you try and set healthy boundaries.
The subtext is this; Your business is mine for the taking.
You feel owned, instead of loved.
This is my “no punches pulled” list to help you spot the signs of a covert narcissistic mother.
Harsh maybe, truthful, you bet.
[image error]
Why would I want to call out these characteristics? Because I have seen many daughters suffer and not know why they feel so angry one minute and guilty the next. They are truly trapped in the good daughter syndrome and can’t see their way out.
They may be wearing a mask to the world and be suffocating inside.
As a psychotherapist counseling women for 30 years, I have seen these manipulative moves by mothers. They are more subtle than the boorish moves you might see in a narcissistic man.
These are the moves of the covert narcissistic mother. Not the blowhard bluster of the narcissistic man.
Still, they are every bit as destructive to her daughter as the overt narcissistic mother.
I would argue the damage is worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds. Like a nick from an extra sharp razor, you don’t know you’ve been cut until you see the blood running down your leg.
As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but think it is your fault, not hers.
Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can’t see these moves for what they are. A desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense.
It’s not you. It’s her. Really.
Calling out these moves and naming them for what they are is the first step towards healing.
With awareness, you can evolve beyond Good Daughter into an empowered woman. You need to see mom’s moves for what they are and how they have held you back.
We are women. We can do better.
Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.
This article originally published on PsychCentral.com
Find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter –
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 ( Not So Obvious) Ways To Tell appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 Ways To Tell
[image error]Is Your Mother A Covert Narcissist?
After all –
It is all about her, not you.
LOOK AT ME! – Is this not your mom? Not every narcissistic mother is overtly self-centered, braggadocious and vain! Some are self-effacing demure and shy away from the spotlight.
Women have been socialized to appear accommodating and self-effacing. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder.
Mom might be the helicoptering PTA president, a squeaky clean Sunday school teacher or long-suffering martyred momma yet still have an underlying personality disorder.
Don’t be fooled.
Many covert narcissistic mothers have much more subtle telltale moves. Here is how to spot them. So you can begin to heal.
FIVE (not so obvious) signs you have a covert narcissistic mother:
When you are making her look good, she glows… but when you are struggling she peppers you with criticism and questions. You have broken a rule you didn’t know was there; your purpose is to make her look good.
If you break this rule you will pay, pay with your self-esteem. There are no practice tests, no dress rehearsals. All of life is a performance.
Sadly, It’s about how you make her look as a mother not about supporting you as a daughter.
Subtext: she exists on a steady diet of self-importance, you are there to feed her not the other way around.
When she gives you gifts, there are always strings attached. Gift giving has a push me, pull me feel. She feels so empty herself that she can’t give without extracting something from you.
She may ask for the gift back or tell you what to give her. On holidays, she doesn’t graciously receive the gift you choose for her. She can’t receive; this would mean giving up control.
This subtext is “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. I will control the giving and taking.”
Despite outward appearances to the contray, your life must take a back seat to her needs. When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful.
Again, the subtext is this; it is her needs that are important.
When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you. Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. Something along the lines of I’m SO SORRY for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she MIGHT have done. She was, after all ONLY trying to help.
The subtext is this; you are to answer to her, not the other way around.
This move is designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty. She is protecting the emptiness inside of herself.
When your boundaries about your personal life is not respected. Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand. Not a respectful exchange. You get push back if you try and set healthy boundaries.
The subtext is this; Your business is mine for the taking.
You feel owned, instead of loved.
This is my “no punches pulled” list to help you spot the signs of a covert narcissistic mother.
Harsh maybe, truthful, you bet.
[image error]
As a psychotherapist counseling women for 30 years, I have seen these manipulative moves by mothers. They are more subtle than the boorish moves you might see in a narcissistic man.
These are the moves of the covert narcissistic mother. Not the blowhard bluster of the narcissistic man.
Still, they are every bit as destructive to her daughter as the overt narcissistic mother.
I would argue the damage is worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds. Like a nick from an extra sharp razor, you don’t know you’ve been cut until you see the blood running down your leg.
As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but think it is your fault, not hers.
Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can’t see these moves for what they are. A desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense.
It’s not you. It’s her. Really.
Calling out these moves and naming them for what they are is the first step towards healing.
With awareness, you can evolve beyond Good Daughter into an empowered woman. You need to see mom’s moves for what they are and how they have held you back.
We are women. We can do better.
Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.
This article originally published on PsychCentral.com
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Is Your Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 Ways To Tell appeared first on Daughters Rising.
Is Your Mother is a Covert Narcissist? – 5 Ways To Tell
[image error]Is Your Mother A Covert Narcissist?
After all –
It is all about her, not you.
LOOK AT ME! – Is this not your mom? Not every narcissistic mother is overtly self-centered, braggadocious and vain! Some are self-effacing demure and shy away from the spotlight.
Women have been socialized to appear accommodating and self-effacing. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder.
Mom might be the helicoptering PTA president, a squeaky clean Sunday school teacher or long-suffering martyred momma yet still have an underlying personality disorder.
Don’t be fooled.
Many covert narcissistic mothers have much more subtle telltale moves. Here is how to spot them. So you can begin to heal.
FIVE (not so obvious) signs you have a covert narcissistic mother:
When you are making her look good, she glows… but when you are struggling she peppers you with criticism and questions. You have broken a rule you didn’t know was there; your purpose is to make her look good.
If you break this rule you will pay, pay with your self-esteem. There are no practice tests, no dress rehearsals. All of life is a performance.
Sadly, It’s about how you make her look as a mother not about supporting you as a daughter.
Subtext: she exists on a steady diet of self-importance, you are there to feed her not the other way around.
When she gives you gifts, there are always strings attached. Gift giving has a push me, pull me feel. She feels so empty herself that she can’t give without extracting something from you.
She may ask for the gift back or tell you what to give her. On holidays, she doesn’t graciously receive the gift you choose for her. She can’t receive; this would mean giving up control.
This subtext is “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. I will control the giving and taking.”
Despite outward appearances to the contray, your life must take a back seat to her needs. When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful.
Again, the subtext is this; it is her needs that are important.
When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you. Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. Something along the lines of I’m SO SORRY for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she MIGHT have done. She was, after all ONLY trying to help.
The subtext is this; you are to answer to her, not the other way around.
This move is designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty. She is protecting the emptiness inside of herself.
When your boundaries about your personal life is not respected. Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand. Not a respectful exchange. You get push back if you try and set healthy boundaries.
The subtext is this; Your business is mine for the taking.
You feel owned, instead of loved.
This is my “no punches pulled” list to help you spot the signs of a covert narcissistic mother.
Harsh maybe, truthful, you bet.
[image error]
As a psychotherapist counseling women for 30 years, I have seen these manipulative moves by mothers. They are more subtle than the boorish moves you might see in a narcissistic man.
These are the moves of the covert narcissistic mother. Not the blowhard bluster of the narcissistic man.
Still, they are every bit as destructive to her daughter as the overt narcissistic mother.
I would argue the damage is worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds. Like a nick from an extra sharp razor, you don’t know you’ve been cut until you see the blood running down your leg.
As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but think it is your fault, not hers.
Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can’t see these moves for what they are. A desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense.
It’s not you. It’s her. Really.
Calling out these moves and naming them for what they are is the first step towards healing.
With awareness, you can evolve beyond Good Daughter into an empowered woman. You need to see mom’s moves for what they are and how they have held you back.
We are women. We can do better.
Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.
This article originally published on PsychCentral.com
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post Is Your Mother is a Covert Narcissist? – 5 Ways To Tell appeared first on Daughters Rising.
January 17, 2018
How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You [Video]
How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You
Transcript -( If you’d rather read)
Many mothers today are afraid, afraid for their daughters.
Mothers want to give their daughters self-esteem. They had a lack of it from their own mothers. If you can relate, I bet you’re running your self-ragged trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good mom. The problem is, so much of what you expect yourself to do is backfiring on you, and I know why.
Why me? I’ve spent the past 30 years counseling mothers and daughters in psychotherapy.
I’ve learned a lot, seeing what can go wrong. Perhaps more importantly though, I’ve raised two girls to adulthood and lived to tell. I know what it feels like, to wanna strangle your daughter one minute and be willing to take a bullet for her the next. Here’s the advice I give to my clients and the advice I wished I could give to my younger self.
[image error]
Number one, when you see your daughter struggling, don’t steal the lesson.
When you swoop in and rescue and fix it too often you prevent your daughter from learning from her mistakes. It’s learning from mistakes and bouncing back that she learns resilience. And it’s knowing her successes are hers and hers alone, that she gains confidence.
Number two, your example is more powerful than your lecture.
You tell your daughter, she is as good as anybody, then you put yourself last, you don’t set healthy boundaries. Your daughter is watching and taking notes. You then wonder why she can’t stand up to that mean girl, or why she can’t say “no” to that bad boy?
Number three, own your “no”. Learn how to say “no” and mean it.
Say “no” to your daughter, say “no” to your own mother. Say “no” to those messages that are telling you, “You’re not a good enough mom. Unless you buy your daughter one more thing. Unless you provide her with one more opportunity. Unless you orchestrate one more over the top celebration.” Those same messages are telling her she isn’t good enough without straight teeth, hair and As.
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As a psychotherapist, I’m telling you mothers and daughters are cracking under this pressure.
The pressure to do it all and be it all. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction. And those are just the moms.
Because, the truth is, as much as you like, you can’t live your daughter’s life for her.
Trying is exhausting. You prevent her from truly growing up, and keeps you both locked in unending power struggles. How do you turn this around?
[image error]
Know your worth, as a woman and as a mother.
When you know your worth you can cheer from up in the stands, rather than run down onto the field. When you know your worth, you can prove your value. Instead of lecturing your daughter endlessly on hers. When you know your worth, you can say “no” with confidence, so you can show up for your “yes”.
In the next seven days:
I’d like for you to resist over-helping.
Do something for yourself, don’t apologize or explain.
Say “no” to someone you love, kindly, but firmly. This will probably be hard. No, scratch that, this will be hard. But if you can parent from the place of self-esteem yourself, I think you’ll see the power struggles melt away.
This is the way, the only way that you can give your daughter that self-esteem that both you and I know she is going to need.
DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPSDo You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!
The post How to Give Your Daughter The Self-Esteem Your Mother Never Gave You [Video] appeared first on Daughters Rising.
January 16, 2018
Are You Keeping Things From Mom?
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Are you keeping things from mom because she won’t approve?
Transcript
Speaker 1: Welcome to what, I call the good daughter sessions? It’s not psychotherapy, but hopefully, it will be therapeutic. What I’d like to do is to address some of the emails that you send me, some of the comments that you give me on a blog post or blog post or publish elsewhere and kind of stick to one topic per session.
So today I’d like to address a question that a good daughter asked me. She said, I’ve rekindled a romance with somebody that I think my mother wouldn’t approve of and I haven’t told her If. I’m afraid to hear her opinion. Oh boy, this is a this is a big one and what to do.
00:53 I don’t have really direct advice, but I think when you have this question, this leads you into maybe a deeper question about the dynamic that you have with your mother that you want to take a really good look at this dynamic and see if you have certain, I would say unconscious agreements.
01:18 So with lots of adult daughters of difficult mothers that are trapped in the role of the good daughter. One dynamic that you have, or one agreement, the unconscious agreement that you have is that you all have to feel the same way about, um, for instance, relationships could be politics, it could be your hair, could be your sexual orientation anyway, a million things. What you need to look at is underneath it all.
01:53 Do you agree that her opinion and your opinion have to be 100 percent coinciding? Because I would argue there’s, there’s no room for differentiation.
02:09 There is no room for growth in what typically can develop as that if you feel like, you know, of course, everybody would, most everybody would like for their mom to approve of their significant other.
02:26 But let’s face it, we go through all kinds of relationships in our life. And our first relationship is hardly if ever the right one. I mean, it’s just silly to assume that we’re not going to have lots of relationships. Um, well even on the state fails.
02:46 But I think it’s so important, you know, learn from your mistakes. And we all learned from relationship mistakes and there is just no way to circumvent this process. So if the mother, daughter dynamic doesn’t allow for you all have different feelings and you’re on your own trajectory and you’re learning things about yourself, things that you can only learn one on one relationships.
03:18 So you know, you might say, I’m, I’m gonna lift a line from the POST. It’s a wonderful movie by the way, were male. Meryl Streep looks up at someone trying to have power over her and she says, I asked for your opinion, but I didn’t. I’m not asking for your permission.
03:41 And there’s a big difference between the two.
03:43 Be sure that you don’t have to want your mother’s opinion or tell her about your relationship or listened to her opinion, but certainly within yourself, differentiate between. Are you asking her permission or would you like to hear some feedback?
04:04 The way you would your girlfriend’s probably or your friends. Um, you know, their takeaways, their impression of the person that you’re involved with. But ultimately it’s yours to work out. So I would say when you have this question, I’ll have more to say about it and other live videos, but when you have this question, the question that comes up for me is do you have an unconscious agreement that you all have to have a hundred percent correlation between mom thinks and what you think, which of course isn’t a possibility because you have different experiences and you may need to go through even a negative experience to learn and grow from it.
The post Are You Keeping Things From Mom? appeared first on Daughters Rising.
When You Want To Keep A Secret From Mom Because You Think She Will Disapprove
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Are You The Good Daughter?
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Speaker 1: Welcome to what, I call the good daughter sessions? It’s not psychotherapy, but hopefully, it will be therapeutic. What I’d like to do is to address some of the emails that you send me, some of the comments that you give me on a blog post or blog post or publish elsewhere and kind of stick to one topic per session.
So today I’d like to address a question that a good daughter asked me. She said, I’ve rekindled a romance with somebody that I think my mother wouldn’t approve of and I haven’t told her If. I’m afraid to hear her opinion. Oh boy, this is a this is a big one and what to do.
00:53 I don’t have really direct advice, but I think when you have this question, this leads you into maybe a deeper question about the dynamic that you have with your mother that you want to take a really good look at this dynamic and see if you have certain, I would say unconscious agreements.
01:18 So with lots of adult daughters of difficult mothers that are trapped in the role of the good daughter. One dynamic that you have, or one agreement, the unconscious agreement that you have is that you all have to feel the same way about, um, for instance, relationships could be politics, it could be your hair, could be your sexual orientation anyway, a million things. What you need to look at is underneath it all.
01:53 Do you agree that her opinion and your opinion have to be 100 percent coinciding? Because I would argue there’s, there’s no room for differentiation.
02:09 There is no room for growth in what typically can develop as that if you feel like, you know, of course, everybody would, most everybody would like for their mom to approve of their significant other.
02:26 But let’s face it, we go through all kinds of relationships in our life. And our first relationship is hardly if ever the right one. I mean, it’s just silly to assume that we’re not going to have lots of relationships. Um, well even on the state fails.
02:46 But I think it’s so important, you know, learn from your mistakes. And we all learned from relationship mistakes and there is just no way to circumvent this process. So if the mother, daughter dynamic doesn’t allow for you all have different feelings and you’re on your own trajectory and you’re learning things about yourself, things that you can only learn one on one relationships.
03:18 So you know, you might say, I’m, I’m gonna lift a line from the POST. It’s a wonderful movie by the way, were male. Meryl Streep looks up at someone trying to have power over her and she says, I asked for your opinion, but I didn’t. I’m not asking for your permission.
03:41 And there’s a big difference between the two.
03:43 Be sure that you don’t have to want your mother’s opinion or tell her about your relationship or listened to her opinion, but certainly within yourself, differentiate between. Are you asking her permission or would you like to hear some feedback?
04:04 The way you would your girlfriend’s probably or your friends. Um, you know, their takeaways, their impression of the person that you’re involved with. But ultimately it’s yours to work out. So I would say when you have this question, I’ll have more to say about it and other live videos, but when you have this question, the question that comes up for me is do you have an unconscious agreement that you all have to have a hundred percent correlation between mom thinks and what you think, which of course isn’t a possibility because you have different experiences and you may need to go through even a negative experience to learn and grow from it.
The post When You Want To Keep A Secret From Mom Because You Think She Will Disapprove appeared first on Daughters Rising.
January 3, 2018
To Give Your Daughter The Love You Never Got : Do This First
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Growing up you felt lost and alone… dreaming of a mother who never showed up.
You needed love and acceptance as a daughter-
instead what you got was criticism & conditional acceptance. This left you anxious and insecure.
You learned to be “good” for mom instead of real for yourself.
Still, it was never good enough for mom.
To this day mom stays needy. Needy of your attention no matter what you have on your plate.
Now that you are the mother…
You want your daughter to feel loved and cared for- not the way you felt growing up.
You want to give her the love you never got.
Here is where you must begin-
Let me lay it out for you.
Even though you keep waiting for mom to show up and give you the love and acceptance you need- her insecurity keeps her wrapped up in herself.
That’s the truth of it.
Mom remains needy and demanding just when you have your precious daughter who needs your undivided attention.
You keep wishing mom would change, support you, or if nothing else cut you some slack so you could attend to your daughter.
Ain’t gonna happen.
Here is a grown-up truth.
You can’t wait around any longer for your own mother to become the mother you need.
Some mothers are damaged. They just don’t have it to give. This isn’t fair.
Of course, it isn’t fair, but sometimes it is real.
Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, Addicted… mothers come in all shapes and psychological sizes. Many are wounded and pass down unspeakable harm. Others are deeply conflicted and undermine you with messages of support mixed in with put-downs that undermine your confidence.
Whatever the reason for her deficient as a mother, the common denominator is this; mom’s needs trumped yours.
Mom just didn’t have it to give.
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To become the mother you need be to your daughter, you first need to face this reality.
Mom didn’t give you what you needed and it wasn’t your fault.
Got it?
2)You didn’t get what you needed.
2)It wasn’t your fault.
3) It isn’t likely to change.
You need to feel this one in your bones in order to be fully present for her.
Your own daughter’s wants, needs, and vulnerabilities are tugging on your sleeve & you want to be a better mother than the one you had.
The irony is not lost on me. You feel the pressure of doing right by her when you still need so much from your own mother.
I know. I know. This is a tough one.
Here again, this is not fair but it is real. Clinging to the hope mom will change will get you nowhere but chronically disappointed and angry.
It is understandable that you sink into victimhood but staying there is toxic. It isn’t good for you or your daughter.
This matters. This is important. But, how can you give what you didn’t get?
Are you doomed or will you find another way?
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I am here to offer you another way.
You are dealing with a difficult mother, recovering your own self-esteem from the wounds she inflicted and parenting your own daughter, you can still be at the forefront of a mothering revolution.
You can still give to your daughter the love that you never got from your own mother.
And how in the world is that supposed to work?
I know it sounds counterintuitive but stay with me here.
Not in spite of the hurt you feel, but because of that hurt…. you can motivate yourself to break the cycle of hurt.
Not in anger or bitterness, but in health and gratitude for a fresh start.
Your disillusionment can be an initiation to a new way of parenting.
As the daughter, in the role of the “good” daughter, you bear the marks of mother’s pain. Yet you don’t have to mark her. You can support her in developing a real authentic self, not a people-pleasing “good” daughter false self.
By facing the pain of your childhood you don’t look to your daughter to heal those wounds- to be “good” for you rather than be real for herself.
This is how you break the cycle.
By first facing the truth of your reality you clear the way for writing your own chapter with your daughter.
The old paradigms are falling away.
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By facing the truth of your experience and making active changes in your own life instead of waiting for the love you never got – you can turn your hurt into power.
Connecting and witnessing your daughter instead of constantly trying to fix her, you empower her and restore yourself.
Let’s get started –
See below for some very practical (free) advice. Let me know how it goes.
I think you will be pleased.
This is how we rise.
Audio-
https://daughtersrising.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Giving-The-Love-You-Never-Got-From-Your-Own-Narcissistic-Mother-To-Your-DaughterAudio-8_18_17-8.44-AM.m4a
DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS
Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!
DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?
Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!
The post To Give Your Daughter The Love You Never Got : Do This First appeared first on Daughters Rising.
