When You Want To Keep A Secret From Mom Because You Think She Will Disapprove
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Speaker 1: Welcome to what, I call the good daughter sessions? It’s not psychotherapy, but hopefully, it will be therapeutic. What I’d like to do is to address some of the emails that you send me, some of the comments that you give me on a blog post or blog post or publish elsewhere and kind of stick to one topic per session.
So today I’d like to address a question that a good daughter asked me. She said, I’ve rekindled a romance with somebody that I think my mother wouldn’t approve of and I haven’t told her If. I’m afraid to hear her opinion. Oh boy, this is a this is a big one and what to do.
00:53 I don’t have really direct advice, but I think when you have this question, this leads you into maybe a deeper question about the dynamic that you have with your mother that you want to take a really good look at this dynamic and see if you have certain, I would say unconscious agreements.
01:18 So with lots of adult daughters of difficult mothers that are trapped in the role of the good daughter. One dynamic that you have, or one agreement, the unconscious agreement that you have is that you all have to feel the same way about, um, for instance, relationships could be politics, it could be your hair, could be your sexual orientation anyway, a million things. What you need to look at is underneath it all.
01:53 Do you agree that her opinion and your opinion have to be 100 percent coinciding? Because I would argue there’s, there’s no room for differentiation.
02:09 There is no room for growth in what typically can develop as that if you feel like, you know, of course, everybody would, most everybody would like for their mom to approve of their significant other.
02:26 But let’s face it, we go through all kinds of relationships in our life. And our first relationship is hardly if ever the right one. I mean, it’s just silly to assume that we’re not going to have lots of relationships. Um, well even on the state fails.
02:46 But I think it’s so important, you know, learn from your mistakes. And we all learned from relationship mistakes and there is just no way to circumvent this process. So if the mother, daughter dynamic doesn’t allow for you all have different feelings and you’re on your own trajectory and you’re learning things about yourself, things that you can only learn one on one relationships.
03:18 So you know, you might say, I’m, I’m gonna lift a line from the POST. It’s a wonderful movie by the way, were male. Meryl Streep looks up at someone trying to have power over her and she says, I asked for your opinion, but I didn’t. I’m not asking for your permission.
03:41 And there’s a big difference between the two.
03:43 Be sure that you don’t have to want your mother’s opinion or tell her about your relationship or listened to her opinion, but certainly within yourself, differentiate between. Are you asking her permission or would you like to hear some feedback?
04:04 The way you would your girlfriend’s probably or your friends. Um, you know, their takeaways, their impression of the person that you’re involved with. But ultimately it’s yours to work out. So I would say when you have this question, I’ll have more to say about it and other live videos, but when you have this question, the question that comes up for me is do you have an unconscious agreement that you all have to have a hundred percent correlation between mom thinks and what you think, which of course isn’t a possibility because you have different experiences and you may need to go through even a negative experience to learn and grow from it.
The post When You Want To Keep A Secret From Mom Because You Think She Will Disapprove appeared first on Daughters Rising.
