Are You Just Blaming Mom For Everything?

Why the Mother Who Lives in Your Head... Will You Spend A Lifetime Trying To P...

Are You Just Blaming Mom For Everything?

Do daughters revel in their anger towards their difficult mothers?

Blame mom! Rail against mom! If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother, right?

Although it might look this way on the surface, in my 30 years as a psychotherapist, I find quite the opposite is true. Here is what I mean-

In my experience, I find most daughters want to feel love from… and towards their mothers.

Especially daughters of Narcissistic or difficult mothers long to feel the love and approval which often feels just out of reach.

Here is what I know to be true-

You work so hard for mom to be happy with you.

Then you spiral down into feelings of resentment and anger as you drown in doubt that you will ever be good enough for mom.

My guess is- you don’t want to feel angry and resentful.

To feel this angry hurts your heart and wears you down. It is exhausting and erodes your self-confidence.

So many daughters trapped in the role of the “Good daughters” keep trying to be good for mom in hopes that she will approve of them.

They think this is the key.

Because-

There is a part of us that holds out mother love as a guarantee, a right, a law of the universe.

Despite evidence to the contrary, this mythology persists.

We cling to it.

We insist it is true.

As a result, the good daughter feels unlovable if she doesn’t feel unconditional love from mom.

What is true… is that we are neurologically programmed to make it work, no matter who your mother is.

Because you start off as dependent on mom as a young child, you will twist yourself into a pretzel to create some sort of attachment to get what you need or an approximation thereof.

But the truth is….mothers are only people. People who have had disappointments and injuries of their own.

People, who, many times have lost touch with what is best about them.

Some are cruel, deeply flawed and pass down unspeakable harm.

Some are slightly difficult, never take ownership of their flaws or let you down in ways that are hard to get over.

You may ask yourself, am I doomed?

I would argue no, you are not doomed. However, if you are like me and many I have counseled, I’d say there are two traps you are in danger of falling in to.

1) Force yourself to be grateful for what you got from mom
Or-
2) Stand angry, accusatory and feel forever broken.

Neither stance is helpful and here is why-

One keeps you stuck in denial and the other keeps you stuck in anger.

Here’s how this works-
1. Deny that mom is hurting you and force yourself to focus on the positive.

She is your mother after all.

By making her right when she is hurting you and making you wrong – you protect mom at your expense.

The problems with this are two-fold.

A) The feelings are repressed and don’t go away. The dysfunction continues, you don’t get closer to mom only more enmeshed.

B) What you don’t pass back, you pass on… acting in ways towards your own daughter that hurt her while you can’t see it. And what you can’t see, you can’t change.

2. Stay stuck in anger. Gather up evidence of your mother’s wrongdoing so that you will feel right by making her wrong. Blame all of your life’s problems on her and never move past the feeling of being a victim.

You need her to be wrong for you to feel that you are right.

You can’t work through the feelings if you deny them or remain a victim of them.

So what can you do?

There is a 3rd way. This is the conscious way.

Your grief and disappointment around what you didn’t get from mom can serve as a portal to an expanded consciousness.

By accepting that mom is human and thus prone to being flawed herself – you can move into an adult conscious stance with her and more importantly with yourself.

You can start taking care of yourself and living your life to the fullest.

By facing the upsetting emotions they stop controlling you.

Consciousness is power.

You definitely are not doomed.

In fact, you can empower yourself by making conscious decisions about what to do with this grief you didn’t choose to feel.

Although this may at first seem counterintuitive, there is a way in which you can turn the feeling of being a victim of your difficult mother into conscious awareness that makes you a more compassionate and empowered person.

You tap into the vulnerability that makes us all connected and the kindness that heals us.

All of your relationships become more real.

As you work to become aware of ways you have been harmed, set healthy boundaries and heal your heart, you elevate your consciousness, move through the stuck feelings and develop in yourself powers you never knew were there.

You are only a victim or a doormat if you choose to stay one.

And no, you are not just bitching about or blaming mom.

Approached the right way, you grow in awareness.