MaryJanice Davidson's Blog, page 14

I Expose Myself (and a chapter from UNDEAD AND UNDERMINED) To The World

I'm nearing the finish line for UNDEAD AND UNDERMINED, and as often happens with a book I've read every day for months on end, I'm sick of the sight of it. So I've decided to foist some of it on you guys. Sure, you don't deserve it. Sure, I'm being thoughtless and cruel. What can I say, it's a Wednesday.
There are MINOR SPOILERS, both in the pages below and in the rest of this paragraph. So behold now, a MINOR SPOILER...in this chapter, Betsy and Jessica, who both know they're living in an altered timeline, have grabbed a rare moment to have a private talk. Jessica is deeply in love with Detective Nicholas Dean Berry in this new timeline, and heavily pregnant with his child.
* * *

"What is your problem?" Jessica demanded fatly.

"I'm just a little busy juggling screwed timelines, that's all."

"With me. What's your problem with me? Specifically..." She pointed to her enormous bulge. "...this part of me?"

"I've got more important things to worry about than what you're gestating."

"Not right now you don't," my best friend said, and for a second she was almost as intimidating as Satan. Satan! "If you expect to leave this room under your own power, you'll own your shit."

"Own my...? Okay, first, I don't even know what that means. Second..." Would I? Could I, even? Oh, the hell with it. "Second, I'm jealous, okay?"

"Of Dickie?"

"Who? Oh. Nick. No, no. In fact, he's a delight in this timeline. You have no idea...the father of your demonspawn was a real prick in the old timeline. No, I'm jealous of that." I pointed to her gut again.

Jessica looked down at it (as if she could look anywhere else), then back up at me. Bewilderment was written across her face; anyone (even me) could have seen it. "What? Why?"

"Why?" I cried. "Are you serious? Why would I be jealous? Why wouldn't I? In your timeline, in the last few months you remember, I had ages to get used to Nick never being a jerk and you being a mom-to-be. Here, I've had about six hours."

"But what does that have to do with—"

"I'm used to being number one in your life, okay?"

"But—"

"Listen: in the old timeline, the one you can't remember, bad things happened to Nick—"

"Dick."

"No, he was Nick then. And bad things happened to him, things that were my fault. And it changed him, made him a different man than the one you repeatedly knocked boots with. And so he made you choose: him, or me. You chose me. That's the past I remember. In my head, that's how things are.

"Except they aren't! And I'm having a tough time handling it, okay? It's shitty and it's selfish, and it's also the truth: I liked being first with you. I liked that you picked me over him. But that didn't happen here. You've got N/Dick here, and he has you, and when you have a baby you'll love it more than me."

"That's...idiotic."

"Nuh-uh! It's a biological imperative. It's gonna happen. You won't have any choice. You'll have to love it. And feed and house it, and open a college fund for it, and take tons of pictures of it to bore other people with, and put it on the phone before it can even talk, which we'll all hate but pretend we don't...it's all this huge biological rule you'll have to follow."

Jessica's mouth twitched. "I meant, it's idiotic to be jealous of a baby who isn't even here yet."

"Think I don't know? It's also lame and beneath me. Okay, not much is beneath me, come to think of it, so that last bit probably isn't true. But all the rest is. Look, like I said, I know it's selfish. But I can't help it. I don't like sharing you."

"Betsy..." Jessica seemed startled, almost flabbergasted. "I could have triplets in here—"

"You might," I said, stealing another glance at the Belly That Ate The World. "You're pretty gigantic."

"—and sure, I'll love him or her or them, but I wouldn't love you less, dumb shit."

"Well, it's about damn time! Thank you for finally putting my terrible hideous fears to rest. Was that so hard, reassuring me? Don't you get it?" I cried. "I'm the victim here! I'd think you'd be a lot more understanding, given the situation."

The corner of her mouth twitched again. Her eyes, tilted at the ends like a cat's, narrowed, and then she gurgled laughter. She laughed so hard and so long, she had to lean on me to keep from falling down. I didn't mind.

"Some things," she finally gasped, "never ever change. Including you, Bets, you selfish cow. I'm glad you didn't die again."

"Well." I was mollified, but had no idea why. Maybe because she was leaning on me literally and figuratively? Or maybe because it was nice to have her to myself, even if it was only for five minutes. "I'm glad, too. So what are the odds of you having a litter?"

"Shut up," my best friend said, kindly enough.

I Beg Readers to Ignore Me

Please ignore the screwed-up dates from my earlier post. I'm not quite sure how I carefully looked at a calendar with the correcet dates and still managed to post the wrong dates...I guess everyone is good at something. Luckily my assistant saved my ass (it's the rare week I don't say that, or at least think it).
Anyway! Yes, I'm going to San Diego next week. But I've got the B&N signing on Friday, the RWA literary event on Saturday, and the Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore signing on Sunday. The (correct) times can be found on my FB page and at my blog.
Thanks! Also, I suck. But mostly, thanks.

I Invade Poor Unsuspecting San Diego

A week from Thursday I get to go to San Diego. This is awesome for me, and terrible for them, for a couple of reasons. I've never been, so that's cool thing #1. And some of the smaller ponds around here are starting to freeze over (it IS November, though it's been a mild one for the Twin Cities), so that's cool thing #2. I don't care if it rains the entire time I'm there (Jinx!), just so long as nothing freezes over.
I was invited to attend the RWA Literary Benefit on Thursday, November 20. (You'd think enough stories about my dreadful behavior on the road would have discouraged this sort of thing, but nope.) On Wednesday, I'm doing a book signing at Barnes and Noble in San Diego. On Friday, I'm doing a book signing at Mysterious Galaxy Books, also in San Diego. I was amazed one book store invited me to lurch among their inventory (I'm six feet tall, and irredeemably clumsy), never mind two. The important thing to mention to the authorities is: I didn't show up uninvited! This time!
Further gory details can be found at my website and on my FB page. Hope to see some of you while I'm enjoying/horrifying San Diego!

My Magic Spell Works

I have a super power, as does my sister (and she got the good one!). I can make things happen (I've made it rain many times). And I can make things not happen (I can prevent power outages). But before you go "do not suffer a witch to live" all over my ass, let me explain.
We had a wicked wind storm last night, the kind where rocking chairs get tipped over and big heavy garbage bins get blown into the street. And so, to prevent the power from going out, I searched the house and dug up several flashlights, which I use to store dead batteries. Then I switched out the dead batteries for all new ones. Tested them to make sure I did an awesome job. Then gave one to each family member. Because we were prepared, the power didn't go out. (My assistant doesn't share my god-like power, so she was electricity-less for 8 hours.)
Also, if I want it to rain? I wash my car.
It's okay, though. It's not going to my head. I know that with great power comes a great urge to pop over to the dark side, and thus far I've only used my power for good.
My sister's power is to find the perfect parking spot, every time. It's uncanny. And a little frightening. She can pull into the Disneyworld parking lot at lunchtime during the height of tourist season and snuggle her car in beside the handicap spaces. When it's ten below zero and spitting snow, she can find a spot about nine feet from the front door. If she gets into a fender bender, her engine dies near a tow truck. It's creepy, man.
Together we can form our own Legion of Doom, complete with the rocket-activated Hall of Doom which, weirdly, thrives in swamps. But, as above, we won't. It would be wrong. Also, who has the time to really commit to being evil? The meetings alone would suck up all our free time.
So fear not, citizens!

I Explain Why Splice is the Worst Movie Ever

I come bearing a warning. And before I go further, it's important to understand that I'm known for my shitty taste in movies. So it's pretty hard to revolt or disgust me. I saw Jason X in a theater. And I paid full price since it wasn't a matinee. I am hard to disappoint, movie-wise. That said, SPLICE sucked rocks. I saw it 2 weeks ago on book tour in my hotel. Not only did I hate it, I paid $12.99 for it! (Or my publisher did. I can't remember if they picked up the tab for my booze and crappy in-room movies.)
I normally don't review books or movies on my blog, but I made an exception this week. It's that bad...and it's wildly inappropriate for children. I'm pasting my super-pissy review below, and plot spoilers at the end of the blog.
Big time spoilers, so don't read to the end of this blog unless you're okay with finding out out all about the Worst Movie Ever.
Not-too-spoilerish: Genetic scientists (Adrian Brody, who's so ugly he's handsome, and Sarah Polley from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake...she was the nurse) create a human/alien clone thingie which grows to maturity in about 8 months...she has hands for feet. (Hands for feet!)
For the first 3/4 of the movie I thought I'd enjoy watching it with my kids. Because though the hybrid was supposed to be the villain (if that's even the word), as she matures her parents/doctors have to try increasingly scary methods of containment (she's super strong, she flies, she's poisonous, etc.). (Also, my kids roots for the villains, which I find cool and weird.) So at one point you could be asking yourself, "Who's really the bad guy here? They're strapping her to tables to 'protect' her!"
Then the movie took a darrrrrrrrk turn.








SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER







Okay. These scientists are gonna get their funding cut off, so they use a human egg and something from a life form they created in the lab. "Cloning humans is illeal...this won't be human." And she grows rapidly...born months ahead of schedule, with hands for feet (hands for feet! I can't seem to get away from this) and a poisonous stinger.
At first she's super-cute (they named her Dren, which is nerd spelled backward...awwww!). They find out she has gills and lungs so she's amphibious. She's very bright. She's beautiful in a weird way...the actress did a great job, since Dren doesn't speak. She just clicks and shrieks and whirrs.
So, when she's an adolescent she spies on her doctors/parents having sex. Adrian Brody SEES HER WATCHING THEM and keeps banging Sarah Pollen. A couple of weeks later Dren's the equivalent of 18 or 19. And...seduces Adrian Brody. Who has sex with her! Remember: this. Is. Her. Dad. (Not biologically, but still. It's the Woody Allen/Sun Lee thing all over again, except, if possible, grosser.) Halfway through the act he suddenly realizes he's reminded of Sarah Pollen. Because, without telling him, she used her own egg to make Dren. Also, Sarah catches them banging...and cuts off Dren's tail!
(This is about when I thought, this would not be a good movie for my kids. Anyone's kids.)
So then Dren escapes, and her parents go after her. She changes her sex. Yeah, you read that right...she turns from female to male. And then she RAPES HER MOM. Like the kid in Zombieland, I couldn't find anything hard or sharp to throw at the screen. Paperback? No. Box of Kleenexes? No. Fine Cooking Magazine? No.
Adrian Brody dies at Dren's hands, Sarah kills Dren, and the last seen is Sarah, hugely pregnant. BY HER DAUGHTER.
Really, I can sum up the movie with one word: Blech!
You've been warned! ;-)

My Husband And I Take Over Le Duc

Tomorrow (Tuesday), at 7:00 p.m., my Other Half and I will be chatting about our Jennifer Scales series, answering questions, and signing books. Also scarfing all the cookies and punch we can get our hands on. It's worth going just for the look at the gorgeous Le Duc mansion in Hastings, MN...the place is unbelievable. You *almost* think it wouldn't suck to live 150 years in the past. (No Facebook...no ATMs! But lots of fireplaces.)
We'll be talking about the new Jennifer Scales book, RISE OF THE POISON MOON, and upcoming books as well. Be there or be not-there.

I Sell Out

The national book tour for ME MYSELF AND WHY is almost at an end...I can hardly believe it! It feels like I've been waiting years for this book to be on shelves. Which I have (two years is years, plural, right?). It's been so much fun meeting readers and booksellers (and booksellers who are readers, and readers who are...I probably don't have to finish this thought). Seems like the pub date would never get here, then all of a sudden it's sort of rudely rushed you, and then you're headed off for the first city of the tour, and before you know it, you're thinking "I should blog about how long I've...I probably don't have to finish this thought."
We actually had to cancel a couple of the stock signings because before I could get to the store to sign the books, they sold out! This was, there's no other word, delightful. But I did want to give readers the heads up...I know some of you have been waiting almost as long as I have to get your sweaty palms on MMY. So if you've been putting off heading to your local bookstore because life keeps interfering ("Can't pick up the new MJD yet, not with the couch still on fire", or "if I didn't have to shave those dogs myself, I could run into town and grab ME MYSELF AND WHY", or "if I didn't have to spend the night beside this grave to make sure there *isn't* going to be a zombie uprising, I could have grabbed MMY"); well, believe me, I totally get it.
But you might want to squirt that fire with extinguisher foam, cajole your roommate/spouse/parent into shaving those dogs, and cross your fingers and hope for the best as you abandon that grave, and get thee to a bookstore. Because, yup, they're selling out. It'd be awful to put off your errands *and* not be able to check out the bookstore. That just sounds...annoying. Really, really annoying.
Next: I Avoid Being Beaten To Death(or: "Yeah, I have a question...I love Betsy, so WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?")

I Invade Michigan With Me, Myself and Why

Ah, blogging from Lansing, Michigan! I've never been, and the place looks great. But that may be my temporary freedom from family responsibilities (and sobriety) talking.
I'll be signing books tonight, 7:00 until the cops haul me away, at Schulers Books, 2820 Towne Center Boulevard.
I'm also giving away three full sets of All MJD All 2010 Books this week...three lucky (?) winners will receive autographed copies of Undead and Unfinished, Rise of the Poison Moon, and Me Myself and Why this week. E-mail my assistant at contactmjd@comcast.net with MMY Giveaway in the subject line. Contest comes to a screeching halt midnight, Friday.
Luck!

I'm Quizzing At Borders

So, there's some cool stuff going on this week at the True Romance blog. They've posted my "Are you a Cadence, Shiro, or Adrienne?" quiz and other cool stuff. There's also a giveaway for my new book, ME MYSELF AND WHY. I'll be over there in the comments section this evening to find out how you guys scored. (I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume most of you are crazy Adriennes.)
http://bordersblog.com/trueromance/
--MJ

I'm Still Free, And Now A Tease

My assistant, Tracy, was mercilessly riding my ass this morning, as she is wont to do. Do not be fooled by her pretty face and charming demeanor: she is a slave driver. "Sign this contract, write that best seller, if your stomach's still bothering you, maybe you're pregnant, no I don't want any Malt O'Meal". You know, the usual. She reminded me that several weeks ago I made a vague reference to the fact that I might perhaps post the prologue for UNDEAD AND UNDERMINED, maybe. Lo, a vague ...