I Explain Why Splice is the Worst Movie Ever

I come bearing a warning. And before I go further, it's important to understand that I'm known for my shitty taste in movies. So it's pretty hard to revolt or disgust me. I saw Jason X in a theater. And I paid full price since it wasn't a matinee. I am hard to disappoint, movie-wise. That said, SPLICE sucked rocks. I saw it 2 weeks ago on book tour in my hotel. Not only did I hate it, I paid $12.99 for it! (Or my publisher did. I can't remember if they picked up the tab for my booze and crappy in-room movies.)
I normally don't review books or movies on my blog, but I made an exception this week. It's that bad...and it's wildly inappropriate for children. I'm pasting my super-pissy review below, and plot spoilers at the end of the blog.
Big time spoilers, so don't read to the end of this blog unless you're okay with finding out out all about the Worst Movie Ever.
Not-too-spoilerish: Genetic scientists (Adrian Brody, who's so ugly he's handsome, and Sarah Polley from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake...she was the nurse) create a human/alien clone thingie which grows to maturity in about 8 months...she has hands for feet. (Hands for feet!)
For the first 3/4 of the movie I thought I'd enjoy watching it with my kids. Because though the hybrid was supposed to be the villain (if that's even the word), as she matures her parents/doctors have to try increasingly scary methods of containment (she's super strong, she flies, she's poisonous, etc.). (Also, my kids roots for the villains, which I find cool and weird.) So at one point you could be asking yourself, "Who's really the bad guy here? They're strapping her to tables to 'protect' her!"
Then the movie took a darrrrrrrrk turn.








SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER







Okay. These scientists are gonna get their funding cut off, so they use a human egg and something from a life form they created in the lab. "Cloning humans is illeal...this won't be human." And she grows rapidly...born months ahead of schedule, with hands for feet (hands for feet! I can't seem to get away from this) and a poisonous stinger.
At first she's super-cute (they named her Dren, which is nerd spelled backward...awwww!). They find out she has gills and lungs so she's amphibious. She's very bright. She's beautiful in a weird way...the actress did a great job, since Dren doesn't speak. She just clicks and shrieks and whirrs.
So, when she's an adolescent she spies on her doctors/parents having sex. Adrian Brody SEES HER WATCHING THEM and keeps banging Sarah Pollen. A couple of weeks later Dren's the equivalent of 18 or 19. And...seduces Adrian Brody. Who has sex with her! Remember: this. Is. Her. Dad. (Not biologically, but still. It's the Woody Allen/Sun Lee thing all over again, except, if possible, grosser.) Halfway through the act he suddenly realizes he's reminded of Sarah Pollen. Because, without telling him, she used her own egg to make Dren. Also, Sarah catches them banging...and cuts off Dren's tail!
(This is about when I thought, this would not be a good movie for my kids. Anyone's kids.)
So then Dren escapes, and her parents go after her. She changes her sex. Yeah, you read that right...she turns from female to male. And then she RAPES HER MOM. Like the kid in Zombieland, I couldn't find anything hard or sharp to throw at the screen. Paperback? No. Box of Kleenexes? No. Fine Cooking Magazine? No.
Adrian Brody dies at Dren's hands, Sarah kills Dren, and the last seen is Sarah, hugely pregnant. BY HER DAUGHTER.
Really, I can sum up the movie with one word: Blech!
You've been warned! ;-)