Emily Conrad's Blog, page 18

Free Write Day 7, 8, and 9: Test, Muddle, Post-It

I fell behind on the 31 Days of 5 Minute Free Writes! Can I be honest? I felt pretty uninspired the last few days, but the thing about writing is that I often don't know where it'll take me until I sit down and tackle it.

Is the result perfect? Um, no. Did I adhere to the five minute rule or the free write rule? Um, no...

But once you read the first of the three, I think you'll see why I chose to leave them as they are, post, and move forward. Here's to showing up and trusting God with the rest.

Test
Though testing is valuable, retaking the same test doesn't necessarily lead to progress.

In the case of my writing, when I get bogged down in a manuscript, some of my revisions end up adding to the problems. I have to stop trying to retake the test (write the perfect piece) and hand it over to an expert with fresh eyes. Then, I'll see improvement.

I wonder in how many areas of my life I’ve done the same thing, holding myself back and testing and retesting myself, lingering in my pursuit of perfection. After working this long toward getting it right, I’m surprised to find myself failing. Shouldn’t I have this down by now?

No. I will never pass the test until I hand my life over (once again) to the expert: my Savior.

I must repent, accept grace, and move on with my Savior, who alone can redeem me and my performance.

If instead, I obsess over my failures, it’s like sitting in an uncomfortable school desk with a no. 2 pencil clenched in my hand, begging to retake a test though I haven't reviewed my notes in ages.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does this.

But if we get a glimpse of our paper, we’ll see that God has crossed out our failing score. He’s written a new score in red, not using the ink of a pen, but that of perfect blood spilled on a cross.

Instead of leaving us to puzzle over the old mistakes, He invites us along on a new field trip. There, yes, we’ll probably encounter tests much like that failed one, but we won’t face them alone, and our score still won’t depend on us because he who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it.

Muddle

God is in the muddle of my life.

In the middle of it, too, but most definitely in the muddle. When I don’t really know what I’m working for anymore or what my life is all about. When I’m putting one foot in front of the other and walking, blind in the fog, He is there. I muddle. He guides. Sometimes not as clearly as I’d like. I mean, always clear in His Word, but not necessarily the specifics I’d need to feel like I wasn’t muddling.

The nice thing about muddling is it teaches me dependence. It teaches me that I’m not everything I thought I was. I’m a child, knee-deep in who-knows-what, and I need, need, need.

If Jesus can walk on water, he can walk on mud, too. And not only can He walk on it, but He has footing sure enough to guide me here, to reach down and pull me up or through or whatever direction it is that I need to be.

Post-It

Is love of paper products a prerequisite to being a writer? Is that how Post-It ended up being a prompt for this challenge?

In a day when, rather than write, we usually type at a keyboard (many of which no longer have keys, but rather pictures of letters), why do pens and paper and Post-Its attract us so?

Our computers accomplish a lot more for us than good old pen and paper. They’ll remind us of things using noise and light. Paper? That waits quietly to be seen. Paper contains stories, leaves a record of mistakes, captures scribbles of thought we’d soon delete off a screen.

That must be the draw of ink and blank sheets: the record. We can destroy it, but we can’t backspace over it. We can discard it, but the sheets beneath will still bear the imprint of our thoughts. The stories we tell there must be more deliberate. They will be more honest. They may or may not pass the test of time, but they will never be completely malleable to our whims, never revisable without hinting at what they’ve been.










The test I won't retake, when Jesus walks on mud, and a writer's ode to paper #Write31Days #5MFW @novelwritergirl

Free Write Day 6: You

I see you watching me, and I can see your gears turning as you evaluate me. Your subtle hints, I take as revision notes, critiques, and I get to work. Let me be more like you. Let me mimic what you do. You'll never notice me disappear into a knock-off you, even as I morn the loss of myself, deem the whole thing twisted and unfair.

That's what people-pleasing can do to me. The thing is, I'm pretty sure you don't really notice what I do with me, how like you I would have myself be, but I do. Copying you means smashing my feet into glass slippers that don't fit, an endeavor sure to end in failure.

Hope comes in realizing there's a Prince with a glass slipper fitted just for me. He invites me to be the me He created to love.

I am created to be loved, not to be you.

And you? You're created to be loved as you, too.




P.S. This isn't an official Chosen and Approved post, but I did write it in honor of that series, which started Tuesday and can be found here, and in honor of the 31 Days of 5 Minute Free Writes, which you can learn more about here. Links to all of my 31 Days free writes are here.





I am created to be loved, not to be you. via @novelwritergirl #Write31Days #5MFW

Free Write Day 5: Silence

The silence here hums.
Distant highways and neighborhood diesels
clocks ticking and breathing
always
one breath after another
hearts beating
quietly beneath the surface
like starfish feeling their quiet way
underwater.
The silence here hums
with life and all its trappings.
Wind in the trees
evidence of things unseen
of a God who breathes life
always
into one and then another.
hearts beating
quietly beneath the surface
glory, glory, glory
testifying in each chest
of the One who sings over us
in the humming silence.


This post is part of the 31 Days of 5 Minute Free Writes challenge hosted by Christina Hubbard on Creative and Free. Check out more about this dynamic community of writers and how to jump in here. And if you like this post, find links to my others here.










The silence here hums with life and all its trappings. via @novelwritergirl #Write31Days #5MFW

Chosen & Approved: Straightening the heart bent toward people-pleasing

 
"Peer-rejection does crooked things to a young girl’s heart."

As I read this line from Jeanne Takenaka, I sit at my dining room table, nodding. It sure does.

I'm 33, but after enduring a few rounds of peer-rejection as a child, I'm still straightening some of those crooked things out of my heart. Or, more accurately, Jesus is doing the straightening.

The crooked things look bad on paper: insecurity, people-pleasing, perfectionism, low self-esteem.

But in my heart? They draw me because they look safe. They look like a way to make and keep friends. They look like a way to get that coveted stamp of approval.

Is your heart bent out of shape, too? Maybe it was peer-rejection. Maybe it was something else. Whatever it was, I know this "crooked things" struggle is real. But I also know Jesus offers us healing. He offers to reshape and restore our hearts using his gentle, nail-pierced hands.

Jesus didn't create us to sell ourselves short. He didn't create us to mimic or please other flawed humans.

This is why I'm so looking forward to the Chosen & Approved Series, in which Jeanne Takenaka, Mary Geisen, and myself will explore those tendencies that look so safe but come at a high price--the price of our own value.


We hope you'll join us for this six-week series as we hand our hearts back to Jesus once again to straighten those crooked things.

Start here, with this beautiful, heart-felt post from Jeanne, and then join us Tuesdays through November 8th for each new installment.










Chosen and Approved: Straightening the heart bent toward people-pleasing - via @novelwritergirl @jeannetakenaka

Free Write Day 4: Brew

For this post in the 31 Days of Free Writes challenge, I sort of did two free writes, one on topic, and one off. And then I took a bunch of extra time and sort of tacked them together. So, free write one is on the official prompt (brew) and free write two is where my heart really is (fog).

On a trip to northern Wisconsin last year or the year before, I purchased a bag of Midnight Voyageur (dark roast) from Big Water Coffee Roasters, a shop located in Bayfield, WI that roasts its own beans. The flavor made such an impression on me I asked my family to order me some for Christmas.

This weekend, my husband and I returned to the area. With a cup of their coffee warming my hands, I explained to my husband, not a coffee drinker, that drinking other coffee and then drinking this coffee was akin to eating fortune cookies your whole life and then finding out there was such a thing as a chocolate chip cookie. Who knew a cookie could taste so good? Who knew coffee could be this roasty delicious?

Needless to say, I secured a very large bag of their dark roast. Given it's size, it'll probably last until Christmas, maybe longer, which is good since no one ordered me a bag last year ;)

But on a more serious note, something else that made the trip memorable was watching fog like we'd never seen it before roll in and out in a gigantic wall across Lake Superior. This picture isn't up for any awards, but it gives the gist of what it looked like as it rolled toward shore:

And so, here's the second free write:

A wall of fog obscures Lake Superior from our eyes.
The lake is too wide to see across,
Deep and wide and long and
Yet invisible.
Though it’s at our toes,
you’d never know it by trusting your eyes.
Your ears give you hints of it, the sloshing,
The bird crying,
Yes, you can sense it here.
You know something great is just out of sight,
A whole great lake,
but your eyes will fail you.
The fog rolled in, four stories tall or taller,
A wall, penetrable but blinding.
In this world of fog,
Our faith rests in things unseen.











In this world of fog, Our faith rests in things unseen. via @novelwritergirl

Free Write Day 3: Wardrobe

Earth is clothed in sunsets, burning.
Lakes of fish and weed and driftwood
Wash her sandy feet.
Trees brace themselves against her,
Roots twisting, anchored.
She wears turning leaves
Green, golden, and ruby.
Her grassy tresses sway in the breeze.
Mountains and valleys,
Tailored to her
By the Creator who
Formed woman, too.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
We say
Standing clothed in
Strength and dignity.

This post is part of the 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes challenge hosted this year by Christina Hubbard on Creative and Free. (Though I did so some revising after the 5 minutes ended.) Find out more about the challenge and join or peruse the link up here.










Earth is clothed in sunsets, burning. via @novelwritergirl #Write31Days #5MFW

Free Write Day 2: Paint

I'm participating in the 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes during the month of October. Head over to this post on Christina Hubbard's blog Creative and Free for the details on the challenge and to browse the fabulous writers in the link up.

Day 2 Prompt: Paint



At the ACFW conference, one of the instructors asked us what we thought God thought of our writing. I struggle with perfectionism, so the first thing I thought of was more like God acting as a critique partner than as an appreciative father, but the instructor suggested that God is inviting us to write and delighting in what his children create with him. I realized that my tendency to think of God as more of a critic than a father extended beyond my writing. I began to wonder how he not only sees my writing, but also how he sees me.

*
How would you paint me?
The physical, I know. I see it in the mirror.
But what color do you, my Creator, see in my outlook.
What exact shade is my personality?
You tell me I’m beautiful to you,
But if asked to record what you see in still life,
What scene would you choose
And what expression would be on my face?
Thankfulness, I hope. Or joy. Or peace.
Would a pen be in my hand?
Would it be at sunrise or noon?
Cloudy or sun?
Some clouds, I hope, because
They’re never the same,
And I’d like to see
Which ones you’d choose
as a banner over me.
You answer me,
This whole life is a painting,
Moving
Breathing.
Color is too limited*
To illustrate your love for me,
Two dimensions at least one too few.



(The 5 minutes started and ended at the stars with minimal revisions.)









Color is too limited, two dimensions at least one too few - via @novelwritergirl #Write31Days #5MFW

31 Days of 5 Minute Free Writes

This post is part of the 31 Days of 5 Minute Free Writes challenge. Though I don't plan to do all 31 days, I did want to jump in at the start, so the below was written with the group's prompt and in 5 minutes. Check out this awesome community of writers! You'll find the link up and what the challenge is all about here.

I'll also use this post as a landing page for my future posts for this challenge. As the month progresses, I'll add the links here. Links will go live no sooner than 7 PM the night before.

Day 2 Paint

___


Day 1 Prompt: Walk

When I walk through the valleys, Jesus walks with me.

When I walk down the hillside and down from the mountaintops, I’m not alone.

The fact that I do head downhill sometimes doesn’t surprise or alarm him. My tired feet don’t delay his plans. They are part of the plan, I think. When I rest and invite Jesus into the seat beside mine, he talks with me in ways I didn’t hear along the trail. As I pant after living water, he calms me into realizing I’d tried to push the pace of our walk into a sprint.

My hound does this, constantly fighting against the halter-style collar we fitted him with specifically because of his pulling. If he’d just slow down and walk with me, we’d both have a more enjoyable time of it.

Jesus asks that of me. When I pull to get ahead of him, he holds the line steady. When I tire because of my efforts, maybe it’s him who invites me to a seat, rather than the other way around. While I rest with him, he retrains my thoughts, and when we start off again together, my steps match a little closer to his.

____

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll check out the challenge and join in the fun!













When I walk down the hillside and down from the mountaintops, I’m not alone. via @novelwritergirl

The Living Room of Peace and Joy

I have an entire room in my house that went unused for the first four months we lived here: the living room.

Water had damaged the ceiling of the room, so we had to fix the cause, then fix the damage, then paint the walls. Other, less intimidating projects took precedence.

It’s funny that we didn’t live in the living room. It’s tragic that something similar happens in my faith sometimes.

Jesus said he gave his peace to us, and his Word says we can have joy no matter what happens. As Christians, peace and joy are meant to be our living room, but how often do we rest there? They are an integral part of our faith homes. We pass them regularly or stop in sometimes, but are we living in them?

2016 has been a big year for me. Despite all the good events, I began to notice fear and worry taking up way too much of my mental space.

I wasn’t living in the living room of peace and joy, and even when I realized it, I couldn’t remember how to reopen the door.


This is what happens when we let too much of our focus be on performance instead of on God, when we act like we believe in the Jesus who asks everything of us and neglect the Jesus who gave everything for us.

If we read rules and commandments and stand with our backs pressed against them, a pencil pressing the top of our heads, making a mark, we will step away and see we’re wanting. Always wanting.

So when he blessed me, I was blind to it. I chose not to look beyond my own failures and hurts and I focused on the negative. I stood at the threshold of the living room, wanting to enter, but my feet seemed glued to the floor outside.
 
Looking back now, I can see that it was my own choice that kept me from the comfort of peace and joy.

All those things I was trying to earn—approval, security, joy—Jesus gave me long ago.

For me, to enter the living space provided by my Savior, I had to set aside certain projects for a little while. I took slow time to rediscover the love and peace I’d held at arm’s length. In the quiet days, he used other bloggers and friends, his word, books and sunshine and flowers and the joy of caring for gifts he’s given me to draw me into the living room.

If you find yourself outside the living room of peace and joy, take the time to study that with God. Sit with him. Put projects on the back burner. Read. Journal. Pray. Rediscover. Because we’re not called to a life of fear or helplessness or worry or loneliness.


We’re given life abundant, safe, and free. We’re invited to live in peace and joy.

What verses, books, or relationships remind you of the riches you have in Jesus at times when you’re beginning to forget? How do you learn to live in peace and joy?











Peace and joy are meant to be our living room as followers of Christ - via @novelwritergirl

Live Your Own Dream

 
In the movie The Italian Job, a group of thieves pull off the heist of a lifetime. Then, one of them turns on the team and ends up with all the loot. When the others catch up with him later, they find that he’s been spending the money on exactly all the things they had expressed wanting. He got all the money, but he had no imagination, so he copied the ideas of others instead of buying something he uniquely wanted.

I confess, I’ve done something similar in writing. Actually, I’ve even done it in the area of fitness and, I’m sure, on the level of finances and on and on. In all these different areas, I’ve seen friends’ preferences for this or that kind of accomplishment, and I’ve set those same goals for myself.

My friend runs three miles in half an hour? Oh, yeah, that sounds like a good goal. I’ll go for that.

I’ve created my loose vision for myself based on what I see others doing and striving for, but it’s time to go back to Jesus. Time to ask him what my vision for my writing needs to be—what His vision for my life and each area therein is.


Because when it comes down to it, my friends don’t have to answer for how I used the gifts God has given me. He’s calling me on a journey that is different from anyone else’s, and the way to discover that journey is by spending time with him and in his Word. Prayer is key. We’re invited to ask for wisdom, and he promises to give it when we ask for it in faith.

So, I’m asking. And I’m telling you so you’ll ask, too.


God has something special planned for you that no one else is in a position to accomplish.

No one else has your history, your family, your friends, your hurts, your successes, your faith, or your platform. No one else walks in your shoes.

No one dreams quite like you do, if you’ll only take your eyes off others and put them on God.










No one dreams quite like you do, if you’ll only take your eyes off others and put them on God via @novelwritergirl