Sophia Sunshine Vilceus's Blog: In His Will, page 5
December 27, 2016
Un-Merry Christmas
I have been struggling these last few days, since I got “home.” I fully acknowledge and accept the fact that the Holidays are tough and rough for me. Every year that difficulty manifests itself in new ways. I miss my mom. I want my own children and husband to build with. My family is jacked up. Many people in my family don’t love me right and I straight up don’t like. These things become pressing around the Holidays and it makes my heart sick.
I came home for the Holidays because I was craving quality time with my loved ones. But I was brutally reminded that though I adore my family, many of them are incapable and/or unwilling to love me right, gently, correctly and how I deserved and wished to be loved. I realize that the Holidays in my family has become fanfare. Stress. Huge dinners. Void of love. Certainly void of Jesus. That is hard for me. I feel more alone around the ones who I look like, than I do when I am over-ruled by my solitude. I am often tremendously disappointed when I come home, particularly for the Holidays, because my expectations are seldom met. I spend time with people, but the quality of that time is poor. I am genuinely unfulfilled here. It is harder for me to keep my peace, my centered-ness, wellness and my smile- but I am trying. Many of my kin represent who and what I do not want to become: absentee, abrasive, defensive, cold, mean, selfish, Un-Godly, shallow etc...Loving them inadvertently forces me to work on myself and love myself all the more.
But there are good things here. And I hold on to that. I hold on particularly to my chosen family. The friends that have seen me through tremendous and painful stages in my life. My circle who validate my feelings. And honor my time. My loved ones who choose to love me and not because they think they have to. I am tremendously grateful for them. The people who do not take who and what I am to them for granted. The ones who know I will remain by their side but love me and are intentional about making time for me, as though I won’t.
With just a few days in this year, of course I am reflective, nostalgic and pensive. I own the fact that I just don’t “fit in” with many of my loved ones. I have outgrown monotony, course talk, and routine. I crave for real talk, vulnerability, real emotions, genuine unconditional love-- a good time. I accept the fact that the fulfillment that I seek and the void that often plagues my heart, cannot be filled by the people that I would expect should fill them. And that is okay. I respect where I am.
I honor the fact that I am different. That in losing the heart of my family, I have created a beautiful one of my own. I have made a vow to myself to never go against myself in order to do what is conventional and expected, particular during the Holiday season, simply to appease.
May I never have an Un-Merry Christmas or an Unhappy Birthday again, in the name of family.
I came home for the Holidays because I was craving quality time with my loved ones. But I was brutally reminded that though I adore my family, many of them are incapable and/or unwilling to love me right, gently, correctly and how I deserved and wished to be loved. I realize that the Holidays in my family has become fanfare. Stress. Huge dinners. Void of love. Certainly void of Jesus. That is hard for me. I feel more alone around the ones who I look like, than I do when I am over-ruled by my solitude. I am often tremendously disappointed when I come home, particularly for the Holidays, because my expectations are seldom met. I spend time with people, but the quality of that time is poor. I am genuinely unfulfilled here. It is harder for me to keep my peace, my centered-ness, wellness and my smile- but I am trying. Many of my kin represent who and what I do not want to become: absentee, abrasive, defensive, cold, mean, selfish, Un-Godly, shallow etc...Loving them inadvertently forces me to work on myself and love myself all the more.
But there are good things here. And I hold on to that. I hold on particularly to my chosen family. The friends that have seen me through tremendous and painful stages in my life. My circle who validate my feelings. And honor my time. My loved ones who choose to love me and not because they think they have to. I am tremendously grateful for them. The people who do not take who and what I am to them for granted. The ones who know I will remain by their side but love me and are intentional about making time for me, as though I won’t.
With just a few days in this year, of course I am reflective, nostalgic and pensive. I own the fact that I just don’t “fit in” with many of my loved ones. I have outgrown monotony, course talk, and routine. I crave for real talk, vulnerability, real emotions, genuine unconditional love-- a good time. I accept the fact that the fulfillment that I seek and the void that often plagues my heart, cannot be filled by the people that I would expect should fill them. And that is okay. I respect where I am.
I honor the fact that I am different. That in losing the heart of my family, I have created a beautiful one of my own. I have made a vow to myself to never go against myself in order to do what is conventional and expected, particular during the Holiday season, simply to appease.
May I never have an Un-Merry Christmas or an Unhappy Birthday again, in the name of family.
December 13, 2016
"Want Me To Go With You?"
As I find rest from a grueling semester, I have come to the hard realization that I have placed my career before my health and well-being (yet again). I get so caught up in trying to make provisions for myself and my future that I get ahead of myself and simply do too much. So in teaching 27 credits, 6 days days a week, two campuses, and two online classes, I have compromised my health. I struggle with both hypertension and anxiety. Both of which are exacerbated by stress and fatigue and malnourishment. Sure, I have slipped in moments of wellness here and there. Runs, massages, and yoga sessions and salads when I could fit it. But truth is, those things couldn’t supplement the fact that I was often eating dinner after 10 pm because class ended at 9:30 or the fact that I was usually wired till about 1 or 2 am because we had such a bomb night class, subsequently leading to me not getting enough rest, which then led me to getting to the gym fewer days out of the week than I had hoped. Vicious cycle.
So on my first day off, I recommitted myself to myself. I went to a Vitamin shop, loaded on some vitamins and supplements that I felt my system was lacking. Stocked my fridge with only green stuff. Devoted full days to rest, and literally told myself that I am not allowed out of the house for ANY reason (because I will always find an errand to run). And excitedly, I renewed my membership for BootCamp. Boot Camp is an awesome space. It’s a space where so many different folks, from all walks of life, come to work on themselves. It kind of feels like group therapy to me. Dope music is often blasting. I give myself permission there to curse under my breath and out loud when the workouts get really, really tough. It’s my place to let it out! I often feel a little nervous going to Bootcamp because in many ways I am out of my comfort zone. I overthink things and wonder if the coaches will judge me for going missing for so long and reappearing conveniently around the holidays. Nevertheless, I got my membership and today was day two of my workout. Intense, insane, gratifying work out. No one judged me, everyone was gracious towards me. They were proud of me. I was proud of myself.
All day, I have been feeling a bit off kilter. Not so much sad, but cloudy. I’ve come to the conclusion that many times my mind matches the weather. I do best in sunshine. And my brain gets a bit foggy when I am not outdoors and when I am not really interacting with people. Living alone and being a writer, though I love both of them, sometimes forces me to be in my head a little more than I would like. So today, I was in my thoughts a little too much. No sun came out. I was cooped up in the house (because I forced myself to) and was feeling a little blah.
I had a healthy meal, showered and went to boot camp. I got to a particular circuit that was insanely difficult for me. I was struggling with my 45 pound plates. My legs felt like they were going numb. A young man next to me saw that I was struggling. He encouraged me and then he said, “want me to go with you for your last lap?” I am surprised he could understand me through all of my panting. “Yesss”, I exhaled.
And there we went, down the turf. This young, gentle stranger changed and lightened my whole day. God used him to remind me that though there is so much stuff, and life, and heavy laps that I have to muster the strength to do by myself. Still, somehow I am never alone.
Doing life and workouts side by side, somehow changes the dynamics of things. I am grateful but for a moment, I had a physical representation of the fact that I wasn’t alone.
Grateful for the mind to recommit myself to me. Excited for this new journey in my health and well-being. May we all remember, that whatever journey we are on, though we may have to do things by ourselves, we are never alone.
So on my first day off, I recommitted myself to myself. I went to a Vitamin shop, loaded on some vitamins and supplements that I felt my system was lacking. Stocked my fridge with only green stuff. Devoted full days to rest, and literally told myself that I am not allowed out of the house for ANY reason (because I will always find an errand to run). And excitedly, I renewed my membership for BootCamp. Boot Camp is an awesome space. It’s a space where so many different folks, from all walks of life, come to work on themselves. It kind of feels like group therapy to me. Dope music is often blasting. I give myself permission there to curse under my breath and out loud when the workouts get really, really tough. It’s my place to let it out! I often feel a little nervous going to Bootcamp because in many ways I am out of my comfort zone. I overthink things and wonder if the coaches will judge me for going missing for so long and reappearing conveniently around the holidays. Nevertheless, I got my membership and today was day two of my workout. Intense, insane, gratifying work out. No one judged me, everyone was gracious towards me. They were proud of me. I was proud of myself.
All day, I have been feeling a bit off kilter. Not so much sad, but cloudy. I’ve come to the conclusion that many times my mind matches the weather. I do best in sunshine. And my brain gets a bit foggy when I am not outdoors and when I am not really interacting with people. Living alone and being a writer, though I love both of them, sometimes forces me to be in my head a little more than I would like. So today, I was in my thoughts a little too much. No sun came out. I was cooped up in the house (because I forced myself to) and was feeling a little blah.
I had a healthy meal, showered and went to boot camp. I got to a particular circuit that was insanely difficult for me. I was struggling with my 45 pound plates. My legs felt like they were going numb. A young man next to me saw that I was struggling. He encouraged me and then he said, “want me to go with you for your last lap?” I am surprised he could understand me through all of my panting. “Yesss”, I exhaled.
And there we went, down the turf. This young, gentle stranger changed and lightened my whole day. God used him to remind me that though there is so much stuff, and life, and heavy laps that I have to muster the strength to do by myself. Still, somehow I am never alone.
Doing life and workouts side by side, somehow changes the dynamics of things. I am grateful but for a moment, I had a physical representation of the fact that I wasn’t alone.
Grateful for the mind to recommit myself to me. Excited for this new journey in my health and well-being. May we all remember, that whatever journey we are on, though we may have to do things by ourselves, we are never alone.
November 26, 2016
Don't Believe Me? Just Watch.
I was sitting at dinner tonight with a girlfriend. We chatted away and at some point in our conversation, I sensed that three men sat down at our table. In engaging with my friend, my back was inadvertently turned away from the men. They ate and chatted away amongst themselves. I never made eye contact with any of them, neither did they greet us. We all sat at this large, community table. But we remained isolated. They spoke with each other. I spoke to my friend.
As my girlfriend and I left the Italian restaurant, as I gathered my things, I noticed one guy look at me. I looked at him. His friend was handsome. I wondered why they hadn’t said anything! I wondered why I didn’t change my body language to at least seem more available, to at least a conversation. I know my body language often screams the opposite of what I intend for it to, particularly to men. It often screams, “don’t talk to me”, “I’m unavailable”.
I kicked myself all the way to the metro. How will I ever meet someone, if I am too shy to speak!? How am I going to meet someone if men, even three of them, are too intimidated to greet me! I texted another one of my girlfriends my frustrations. “I’m never going to meet someone”, I dramatically lamented to her. My texts to her were coy, but in my heart, this was serious and legitimate fear...
Mid-text, a man...about 6’8, nice smile, gentle spirit, “fake” asked me if I knew where Howard University’s metro stop was. I sensed he just asked me this question that he probably already knew the answer to, to simply engage in a conversation with me. I told him I knew, because I too, went to Howard.
Just. Like. That. Smiles, numbers exchanged. Conversation. Confidence boosted. But more importantly a lesson from God..
Doubt and fear should have no residence in me. I will never ever miss out an opportunity, a love, a job, a conversation, a man that is ordained for me. There is not much that I have to do. I have to merely show up. Show up for myself. I have to be present. And I have to be still. And even in the midst of loud doubt in my frail humanity (because it will come), God is still God. And He can literally send something my way in an instant. I don’t even necessarily need gigantic faith for some of the things that I want. Just a little faith. Because God knows all about me. He knows that I am weak and that my certainty on some things waver. He just calls me to have faith the side of a mustard seed. Faith that doesn’t allow the light of my hope to ever *completely fizzle out.
So...this guy. This random, tall, handsome man. I may never see him again. But in the very, very least. This guy is today’s demonstration from God, that He sees me. Hears my cries. Feels my doubts. And is always ready and willing to send me confirmation that my requests are heard and validated.
He whispered to me…"You see, Soph? I got this. Watch Me work.”
As my girlfriend and I left the Italian restaurant, as I gathered my things, I noticed one guy look at me. I looked at him. His friend was handsome. I wondered why they hadn’t said anything! I wondered why I didn’t change my body language to at least seem more available, to at least a conversation. I know my body language often screams the opposite of what I intend for it to, particularly to men. It often screams, “don’t talk to me”, “I’m unavailable”.
I kicked myself all the way to the metro. How will I ever meet someone, if I am too shy to speak!? How am I going to meet someone if men, even three of them, are too intimidated to greet me! I texted another one of my girlfriends my frustrations. “I’m never going to meet someone”, I dramatically lamented to her. My texts to her were coy, but in my heart, this was serious and legitimate fear...
Mid-text, a man...about 6’8, nice smile, gentle spirit, “fake” asked me if I knew where Howard University’s metro stop was. I sensed he just asked me this question that he probably already knew the answer to, to simply engage in a conversation with me. I told him I knew, because I too, went to Howard.
Just. Like. That. Smiles, numbers exchanged. Conversation. Confidence boosted. But more importantly a lesson from God..
Doubt and fear should have no residence in me. I will never ever miss out an opportunity, a love, a job, a conversation, a man that is ordained for me. There is not much that I have to do. I have to merely show up. Show up for myself. I have to be present. And I have to be still. And even in the midst of loud doubt in my frail humanity (because it will come), God is still God. And He can literally send something my way in an instant. I don’t even necessarily need gigantic faith for some of the things that I want. Just a little faith. Because God knows all about me. He knows that I am weak and that my certainty on some things waver. He just calls me to have faith the side of a mustard seed. Faith that doesn’t allow the light of my hope to ever *completely fizzle out.
So...this guy. This random, tall, handsome man. I may never see him again. But in the very, very least. This guy is today’s demonstration from God, that He sees me. Hears my cries. Feels my doubts. And is always ready and willing to send me confirmation that my requests are heard and validated.
He whispered to me…"You see, Soph? I got this. Watch Me work.”
November 25, 2016
Thanksgiving. Table for One.
I have given myself full permission to do what truly fills me up in this season. Every year in this season, I need something different from and for myself. Two years ago, I needed a change in scenery, so I checked into a luxurious hotel and spa on Christmas in Virginia. The year before that, I needed to be home with my loved ones so I traveled to my forever home. Last year, I needed to host Christmas dinner in my own, new home. This year, I needed my solitude, space, peace, quiet thoughts... so I sought after that fervently.
I went to Church yesterday morning and came back and cooked Macaroni au Gratin, Duz Riz a Pois, Oxtails, Jerk Salmon, Banane Frit, Sauted Kale. I baked an Apple Pie from scratch and had some Birthday Cake Ice Cream to compliment it. I had about 3 glasses of wine. No one hovered over me in my kitchen wondering “if” I could cook. I had nothing to prove. Only to myself. So I enjoyed the process. I fell asleep to some Lifetime, as my candles burned in each room of my house and soft, classical Christmas Music played in the Background. I put up my Christmas tree and its lights greeted me this morning.
Today, I cuddled with Bizoux and I stayed in my Pajamas all day. We woke up early and I appreciated the stillness and the beauty of a still, early morning. I did a Bible Study to some Dominican Cafe. I read, I wrote and reflected. I designed my Christmas Card. Ate leftovers. I realized I didn’t need to feel guilty. Nor did I need or want to over-indulge. Went running and did some yoga. I took a lavender soak and gave myself a manicure with red polish. I conditioned and twisted my hair. I sipped some Green Tea, honey, and milk.
This is is all I needed and wanted for this Holiday. To be still and know. To sip slow, and cook slow. To hear quiet. To bask in my own ambiance. To defy what the commercials and people and family tell me what I ought to do on this day. To love, appreciate, and pray for my family from afar. To appreciate the warm home that God and I have built.
Grateful for permission to visualize exactly what I need and want in this moment of my life. Grateful for the Grace, Provisions, and Confidence to go after it. Praying to grow a family one day soon. Thanking God for the lessons in being healthily and successfully single for now.
May I hold on to these sentiments in the New Year.
Blessed Holiday season to you. Do you. Be you. Be well.
Xo
Sophia Sunshine
I went to Church yesterday morning and came back and cooked Macaroni au Gratin, Duz Riz a Pois, Oxtails, Jerk Salmon, Banane Frit, Sauted Kale. I baked an Apple Pie from scratch and had some Birthday Cake Ice Cream to compliment it. I had about 3 glasses of wine. No one hovered over me in my kitchen wondering “if” I could cook. I had nothing to prove. Only to myself. So I enjoyed the process. I fell asleep to some Lifetime, as my candles burned in each room of my house and soft, classical Christmas Music played in the Background. I put up my Christmas tree and its lights greeted me this morning.
Today, I cuddled with Bizoux and I stayed in my Pajamas all day. We woke up early and I appreciated the stillness and the beauty of a still, early morning. I did a Bible Study to some Dominican Cafe. I read, I wrote and reflected. I designed my Christmas Card. Ate leftovers. I realized I didn’t need to feel guilty. Nor did I need or want to over-indulge. Went running and did some yoga. I took a lavender soak and gave myself a manicure with red polish. I conditioned and twisted my hair. I sipped some Green Tea, honey, and milk.
This is is all I needed and wanted for this Holiday. To be still and know. To sip slow, and cook slow. To hear quiet. To bask in my own ambiance. To defy what the commercials and people and family tell me what I ought to do on this day. To love, appreciate, and pray for my family from afar. To appreciate the warm home that God and I have built.
Grateful for permission to visualize exactly what I need and want in this moment of my life. Grateful for the Grace, Provisions, and Confidence to go after it. Praying to grow a family one day soon. Thanking God for the lessons in being healthily and successfully single for now.
May I hold on to these sentiments in the New Year.
Blessed Holiday season to you. Do you. Be you. Be well.
Xo
Sophia Sunshine
November 21, 2016
why i may not go home for the holidays...
My new feature on The Praying Woman. Be blessed this Holiday season. Do what pleases you & God, not what everyone else says you "ought" to do.
xo
Sophia Sunshine
http://theprayingwoman.com/why-i-may-...
xo
Sophia Sunshine
http://theprayingwoman.com/why-i-may-...
November 17, 2016
why my body is not up for discussion
Grateful to have been published on #Blavity!
Check out my new work. Eager to hear your thoughts.
http://blavity.com/why-my-body-is-not...
xo
Sophia
Check out my new work. Eager to hear your thoughts.
http://blavity.com/why-my-body-is-not...
xo
Sophia
September 5, 2016
Because of Bizoux
I have lived away from “home” for the last 5 years. It has been a beautiful, trying, gratifying, yet lonely time. It’s been filled with great glory and pockets of tremendous disappointments. I became a woman in Maryland. I became truly brave and independent and worrisome and fearful-- I suppose this is the juxtaposition of person-hood and womanhood.
Within the last 5 years, I juggled between three housing situations, each with its own share of roommate/housemate challenges, before finally establishing and building my own home solo, which has truly become my sanctuary and oasis. I completed my graduate program at Howard University and fell into teaching; truly falling in love and beginning my career as a College Professor. I fell in love and out of love, heavy, with a man, then wrote a book about it. I got a marvelous book deal that allowed me to sign off on so many of my little girl dreams. I traveled. I got into an accident that could have ended my life, and I walked away without a scratch. I’ve hit financial highs and all time financial lows. Yes, a lot of big things have happened in Maryland...but small things have happened too. There have been many, many small moments that have left me wondering, “what am I still doing here?” “You are so far from what you really want.” “You should be by your loved ones.” And probably the loudest voice in my head: “what if something happens to you?-- no one would even know.” I have found myself going for runs in the park in my quest to be happy and be left sobbing, dead in my tracks, because I see the joy on a new mother’s face with her toddlers or a young couple, madly in love...and wondering, “when is it going to be my turn?”
So…with a lot of reservations, I made the decision to get a little puppy to be my companion. I had gotten to the point where I felt that I had so much love to give, that if I didn’t give it away to someone or something, I would implode. I have this gorgeous, clean, open space that I call my home-- and it’s tidiness often reminded me I was alone. So, I needed someone or something to shake up the place. I am in a place where I want to give and receive. I want to be forced to be with someone or something else, other than my thoughts that I hear too clearly in my solitude. Little Bizoux-- that’s my dog’s name. It means “Kisses” in French and appropriately so. He has brought a lot of love, energy to my space. He has taken away some of my sleep and has destroyed some of my space. I am grateful for little Bizoux. Little Bizoux teaches me so much. I got him when he was about 1 month old, so it has been cool literally watching him grow, watching his teeth come in, watching him sleep, and tracking all the little things that he once couldn’t do, but now he can. Like, jump out of my hamper, sit by the window, and growl ferociously.
I find God in everything. And I am grateful for that. Bizoux has taught me a lot about my relationship with God. Bizoux knows my tone of voice; he knows when I am pleased and when I am not. Because he is teething, he chews on absolutely everything, including my toes (we’re working on it). One intriguing thing about this dog, is that he absolutely knows what items he is not supposed to be chewing on. Of course he does it anyway, but he knows when I catch him in the act, to go and literally run and hide from me. He of course, never runs and hides when chewing his appropriate dog toys. It’s like he gets more pleasure from doing what he is not supposed to be doing. He can tell, usually just by my tone when I am looking for him, to run underneath the bed to keep doing the very thing that he should not be doing. The things that he chooses to engage with, are not merely an inconvenience for me when he chews them up, but intensely dangerous to his well being. Because he is just a dog, of course, I don’t expect him to understand this notion. But I am trying to train him to simply trust my commands and trust what I say. When he is quiet, I look for him all the more.
Bizoux reminds me of me. And he reminds me of how God operates. I think of how many times, I naturally run away from God because I know in my heart that I am doing something that is the opposite of what he teaches me. When He so desperately tries to call out to me and fetch me, I remain hidden, ashamed, and distanced until I am ready to come out. When I am ready to relinquish whatever I was opting to do. Though being the “good girl” is deeply rewarding, it certainly is not always fun.
Another thing that Bizoux has taught me is that no thing or person can fill the gaping hole in my heart. It’s a whole hole that is not caused by trauma or loss. It’s a Holy hole that I believe all of us were born with. It’s a hole that is meant to be filled by God, His presence, His word. Many of us go chasing after a spouse, children, money, careers, a furry little puppy etc...to fill that ache, only to come to realize we still need Jesus. Point, blank, period.
I am still learning about Bizoux, about myself, and God. Just wanted to share a snippet of what I have learned so far...
Dear God,
Thank You for always coming to find me, even when I go astray. Thank you for Your Divine Presence that simply cannot be replaced in my life. You know all the gaping holes that I have in my heart, I pray that You come tend to them. Thank You for always showing up and teaching me about You, even in the simple moments of life. I pray that every single thing and person I am searching for, is placed in my life by Your grace. In Jesus’ name, Your Daughter prays.
Amen.
Within the last 5 years, I juggled between three housing situations, each with its own share of roommate/housemate challenges, before finally establishing and building my own home solo, which has truly become my sanctuary and oasis. I completed my graduate program at Howard University and fell into teaching; truly falling in love and beginning my career as a College Professor. I fell in love and out of love, heavy, with a man, then wrote a book about it. I got a marvelous book deal that allowed me to sign off on so many of my little girl dreams. I traveled. I got into an accident that could have ended my life, and I walked away without a scratch. I’ve hit financial highs and all time financial lows. Yes, a lot of big things have happened in Maryland...but small things have happened too. There have been many, many small moments that have left me wondering, “what am I still doing here?” “You are so far from what you really want.” “You should be by your loved ones.” And probably the loudest voice in my head: “what if something happens to you?-- no one would even know.” I have found myself going for runs in the park in my quest to be happy and be left sobbing, dead in my tracks, because I see the joy on a new mother’s face with her toddlers or a young couple, madly in love...and wondering, “when is it going to be my turn?”
So…with a lot of reservations, I made the decision to get a little puppy to be my companion. I had gotten to the point where I felt that I had so much love to give, that if I didn’t give it away to someone or something, I would implode. I have this gorgeous, clean, open space that I call my home-- and it’s tidiness often reminded me I was alone. So, I needed someone or something to shake up the place. I am in a place where I want to give and receive. I want to be forced to be with someone or something else, other than my thoughts that I hear too clearly in my solitude. Little Bizoux-- that’s my dog’s name. It means “Kisses” in French and appropriately so. He has brought a lot of love, energy to my space. He has taken away some of my sleep and has destroyed some of my space. I am grateful for little Bizoux. Little Bizoux teaches me so much. I got him when he was about 1 month old, so it has been cool literally watching him grow, watching his teeth come in, watching him sleep, and tracking all the little things that he once couldn’t do, but now he can. Like, jump out of my hamper, sit by the window, and growl ferociously.
I find God in everything. And I am grateful for that. Bizoux has taught me a lot about my relationship with God. Bizoux knows my tone of voice; he knows when I am pleased and when I am not. Because he is teething, he chews on absolutely everything, including my toes (we’re working on it). One intriguing thing about this dog, is that he absolutely knows what items he is not supposed to be chewing on. Of course he does it anyway, but he knows when I catch him in the act, to go and literally run and hide from me. He of course, never runs and hides when chewing his appropriate dog toys. It’s like he gets more pleasure from doing what he is not supposed to be doing. He can tell, usually just by my tone when I am looking for him, to run underneath the bed to keep doing the very thing that he should not be doing. The things that he chooses to engage with, are not merely an inconvenience for me when he chews them up, but intensely dangerous to his well being. Because he is just a dog, of course, I don’t expect him to understand this notion. But I am trying to train him to simply trust my commands and trust what I say. When he is quiet, I look for him all the more.
Bizoux reminds me of me. And he reminds me of how God operates. I think of how many times, I naturally run away from God because I know in my heart that I am doing something that is the opposite of what he teaches me. When He so desperately tries to call out to me and fetch me, I remain hidden, ashamed, and distanced until I am ready to come out. When I am ready to relinquish whatever I was opting to do. Though being the “good girl” is deeply rewarding, it certainly is not always fun.
Another thing that Bizoux has taught me is that no thing or person can fill the gaping hole in my heart. It’s a whole hole that is not caused by trauma or loss. It’s a Holy hole that I believe all of us were born with. It’s a hole that is meant to be filled by God, His presence, His word. Many of us go chasing after a spouse, children, money, careers, a furry little puppy etc...to fill that ache, only to come to realize we still need Jesus. Point, blank, period.
I am still learning about Bizoux, about myself, and God. Just wanted to share a snippet of what I have learned so far...
Dear God,
Thank You for always coming to find me, even when I go astray. Thank you for Your Divine Presence that simply cannot be replaced in my life. You know all the gaping holes that I have in my heart, I pray that You come tend to them. Thank You for always showing up and teaching me about You, even in the simple moments of life. I pray that every single thing and person I am searching for, is placed in my life by Your grace. In Jesus’ name, Your Daughter prays.
Amen.
June 17, 2016
Should Christians Attend Beyonce’s Concert? Yes.
Last Friday night, I sashayed my way to Baltimore and witnessed Beyonce operating in her God-Given Gift. I thoroughly enjoyed singing on top of my lungs during my solo date. I was in awe of her for many reasons, one of which, because I grew up alongside her music for practically the last two decades of my life. I love Beyonce.
For the last week I have been challenged, bullied, and beat over the head with scripture for attending the Beyonce concert. I have received intense judgement and even condemnation from Christian people, whom I adore, over this concert. This infuriates me for a wide variety of reasons.
Of course, I too have heard of all the rumors and speculation about Beyonce’s spiritual beliefs. To that I say, “Y’all haters corny with that illuminati mess…” Seriously, this all started when I was excitedly heading to the concert and a loved one requested for me to not send her any pictures at the concert because she heard that Beyonce worships demons and cautioned me to be on guard so that “the demons don't get into me.” I couldn’t find a dignified response so I didn’t respond at all. For me to be afraid and uneasy of something like that, would diminish my faith and my covering. I am not convinced that there are weapons intending to harm me simply by attending Beyonce’s concert, but even if there were, I know that no weapon formed against me shall ever prosper (Isaiah 54: 17). I take true confidence in that.
The conversation somehow made a way to my brother and close friend, who both agreed that a Christian has no place at a secular concert, particularly a Beyonce concert. They both said that a Beyonce concert is nothing short of a Demon worshipping session. I was appalled by their narrow-mindedness.
Frankly, I am so over my Christian people perpetrating to be so wholesome, righteous, and clean that they have no alternative than to be the “Christian Police” rather than simply Christian. I am so rooted in my faith and in Christ that I have total freedom to be me. The Grace and Mercy that I receive and operate in daily allow me to be fully human, woman, spiritual, flawed, and chosen.
Here is the thing: Salvation is personal. And our walk with Christ is individual. Nothing about Christianity is a one-size-fits-all experience. Therefore I, as a maturing Christian, know what tempts, triggers me, and the sin that easily ensnares ME (you don’t need to know what those things are, ha). I completely understand that attending a Beyonce concert for some may in fact lead them to temptation or something else that is outside the will of God. I do not deny that. However, that is not the case for me, so that should be respected. To be honest, there is certain music that I cannot listen to, certain places I cannot go, and certain people I cannot remain connected to because my flesh gets weak in the midst of those very things. I fully acknowledge that.
My good friend told me that I had no business at a Beyonce concert because that is not where Jesus would be. I was so taken aback by that because the God I serve is with me whether I am in a concert or in a Church Sanctuary. Where sinners/we are (which is everywhere), that is where God is. As you walk into a concert, God doesn’t look at the entrance and security and say to Himself, “I can’t enter.” My faith does not allow me to place God in a box with my religious limitations.
My friend persisted on telling me that if I was trying to lead someone to salvation and they saw me at a Beyonce concert, that they would no longer take me seriously and consequently would not be led to Christ. I could not disagree more. Of course Scripture calls us to be in the world, but not of the world (John 15:19). Scripture also calls us to be the salt and the light of the earth (Matthew 5:19). If we are not willing to engage with people outside of our church’s four walls, then who are we bringing the light to? Ministry happens through discipleship. Discipleship can happen anywhere: in the breakroom at our job, behind prison bars, the bar at the club, before the opening act at the concert, and on the street with the brother who just overdosed. Just because I am not passing out Gospel tracks every night, does not make me a lesser Christian or my ministry less effective.
I asked the same friend who was condemning me about going to the concert if it would be okay if I were to take him to a NBA game. He replied: yes. I told him NBA games have secular music, have women dancing half-clothed at halftime, and have the same option to purchase liquor as the concert did. At NBA games, folks are rooting for their favorite teams and players, the same way many of us cheered on Beyonce as she flipped her weave, danced on beat, and and sang on key. My friend remained quiet.
Why is it that we eagerly place levels of hierarchy on sin? We are so easy to see the sawdust in our (sister’s) eye and fail to see the plank in our own (Matthew 7:3). Hypocritical Christianity is one of many ills that lead people further from Christ. We are so willing to use Scripture for the purposes of a debate or to beat someone down, rather than for it’s original intent: reproof, correction, and for instruction in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).
I am irritated with Christians that are so super-spiritual that they fail to be real. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that Christians necessarily belong in the clubs every Saturday night. What I am saying though, is that two people can go to the same club and one is tempted, while the other is not. Both of them though, can still have God with them if they are indeed a Christian and saved. You do not lose your salvation if you are in a “worldly” place-- we are called to not conform to the world. Furthermore, a conversation about Jesus at that very club can even lead someone to Christ. That is important to note because too many Christians are unwilling or afraid to not get their hands dirty and get out into the world to get folks out of their sin. If we remain confined to the Church to do ministry, then we simply preach to the same choir every Sunday.
The reality is I know who my Lord and Savior is. My first waking thought is not about Beyonce, nor is it my last before I go to bed. My mind is on God. Beyonce is not my idol and she is not a God. She is fully human. And I can appreciate her work and her craft, while I still remain dignified, saved, and Christian. The truth is, anyone who is fully operating in their gifts and anointing (including myself) allows me to see God. So, should a Christian go to Beyonce’s concert? Hell, yes.
For the last week I have been challenged, bullied, and beat over the head with scripture for attending the Beyonce concert. I have received intense judgement and even condemnation from Christian people, whom I adore, over this concert. This infuriates me for a wide variety of reasons.
Of course, I too have heard of all the rumors and speculation about Beyonce’s spiritual beliefs. To that I say, “Y’all haters corny with that illuminati mess…” Seriously, this all started when I was excitedly heading to the concert and a loved one requested for me to not send her any pictures at the concert because she heard that Beyonce worships demons and cautioned me to be on guard so that “the demons don't get into me.” I couldn’t find a dignified response so I didn’t respond at all. For me to be afraid and uneasy of something like that, would diminish my faith and my covering. I am not convinced that there are weapons intending to harm me simply by attending Beyonce’s concert, but even if there were, I know that no weapon formed against me shall ever prosper (Isaiah 54: 17). I take true confidence in that.
The conversation somehow made a way to my brother and close friend, who both agreed that a Christian has no place at a secular concert, particularly a Beyonce concert. They both said that a Beyonce concert is nothing short of a Demon worshipping session. I was appalled by their narrow-mindedness.
Frankly, I am so over my Christian people perpetrating to be so wholesome, righteous, and clean that they have no alternative than to be the “Christian Police” rather than simply Christian. I am so rooted in my faith and in Christ that I have total freedom to be me. The Grace and Mercy that I receive and operate in daily allow me to be fully human, woman, spiritual, flawed, and chosen.
Here is the thing: Salvation is personal. And our walk with Christ is individual. Nothing about Christianity is a one-size-fits-all experience. Therefore I, as a maturing Christian, know what tempts, triggers me, and the sin that easily ensnares ME (you don’t need to know what those things are, ha). I completely understand that attending a Beyonce concert for some may in fact lead them to temptation or something else that is outside the will of God. I do not deny that. However, that is not the case for me, so that should be respected. To be honest, there is certain music that I cannot listen to, certain places I cannot go, and certain people I cannot remain connected to because my flesh gets weak in the midst of those very things. I fully acknowledge that.
My good friend told me that I had no business at a Beyonce concert because that is not where Jesus would be. I was so taken aback by that because the God I serve is with me whether I am in a concert or in a Church Sanctuary. Where sinners/we are (which is everywhere), that is where God is. As you walk into a concert, God doesn’t look at the entrance and security and say to Himself, “I can’t enter.” My faith does not allow me to place God in a box with my religious limitations.
My friend persisted on telling me that if I was trying to lead someone to salvation and they saw me at a Beyonce concert, that they would no longer take me seriously and consequently would not be led to Christ. I could not disagree more. Of course Scripture calls us to be in the world, but not of the world (John 15:19). Scripture also calls us to be the salt and the light of the earth (Matthew 5:19). If we are not willing to engage with people outside of our church’s four walls, then who are we bringing the light to? Ministry happens through discipleship. Discipleship can happen anywhere: in the breakroom at our job, behind prison bars, the bar at the club, before the opening act at the concert, and on the street with the brother who just overdosed. Just because I am not passing out Gospel tracks every night, does not make me a lesser Christian or my ministry less effective.
I asked the same friend who was condemning me about going to the concert if it would be okay if I were to take him to a NBA game. He replied: yes. I told him NBA games have secular music, have women dancing half-clothed at halftime, and have the same option to purchase liquor as the concert did. At NBA games, folks are rooting for their favorite teams and players, the same way many of us cheered on Beyonce as she flipped her weave, danced on beat, and and sang on key. My friend remained quiet.
Why is it that we eagerly place levels of hierarchy on sin? We are so easy to see the sawdust in our (sister’s) eye and fail to see the plank in our own (Matthew 7:3). Hypocritical Christianity is one of many ills that lead people further from Christ. We are so willing to use Scripture for the purposes of a debate or to beat someone down, rather than for it’s original intent: reproof, correction, and for instruction in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).
I am irritated with Christians that are so super-spiritual that they fail to be real. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that Christians necessarily belong in the clubs every Saturday night. What I am saying though, is that two people can go to the same club and one is tempted, while the other is not. Both of them though, can still have God with them if they are indeed a Christian and saved. You do not lose your salvation if you are in a “worldly” place-- we are called to not conform to the world. Furthermore, a conversation about Jesus at that very club can even lead someone to Christ. That is important to note because too many Christians are unwilling or afraid to not get their hands dirty and get out into the world to get folks out of their sin. If we remain confined to the Church to do ministry, then we simply preach to the same choir every Sunday.
The reality is I know who my Lord and Savior is. My first waking thought is not about Beyonce, nor is it my last before I go to bed. My mind is on God. Beyonce is not my idol and she is not a God. She is fully human. And I can appreciate her work and her craft, while I still remain dignified, saved, and Christian. The truth is, anyone who is fully operating in their gifts and anointing (including myself) allows me to see God. So, should a Christian go to Beyonce’s concert? Hell, yes.
June 9, 2016
Discernment? Or Fear?
One thing that I have become privy to is the fact that as I have gotten older, I have gained more inhibitions and have become more fearful. Because I know God, I realize that I am never totally in control; however, in learning myself, I’m learning that I despise situations where I feel completely out of control, i.e my struggle with anxiety attacks, fear of flying, not knowing how to swim etc…
I’m originally from New York and taking the train was once a part of my daily routine, when I was in college. I was too young and too self-unaware to be in tuned with many of the things that I am in tuned with now. I now live in serene Maryland and recently accepted a new job offer in Washington DC. I have the option of driving about an hour in dense traffic to get to the city. Or take the train, which is about a 15 minute commute. Obviously, I chose the latter!
I find that the train system in Washington DC is far different than that of New York. There are often more pressing safety concerns that have people uncomfortable here. Last year, sadly, there was a lady who passed away because of a smoky stalled train in DC. In my opinion, the train rides in DC are far less smooth than that of New York; they are often more bumpy and noisy; I don’t know if I am just more aware of myself and my surroundings now, but I often find myself uneasy on the trains in a way that I never was in New York. My loved ones in the area have also cautioned me to avoid the train line in which I take going to work, because it is notorious for accidents, shootings, delays and the like. Needless to say, I’ve been a little on edge while commuting to work. But there are perks of taking the train– I don’t have to worry about parking in the congested city, I get more exercise in walking, and I get to work much faster.
Yesterday, I was on the train and we were overhead when the train suddenly stopped. The trains out here have the tendency to tilt to the side, which makes me very uneasy. I was suspended in the air, sideways, and had absolutely no control over it. I kept dwelling on 2 Timothy 1:7- “God didn’t give us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” The conductor came on the intercom and said we would be moving momentarily. When we began to move, the train began to make a loud noise and then it stalled. If I may be honest, the fear that I felt seemed larger than the scripture I was reciting. The train did that for a few minutes before we began moving smoothly again. In the midst of that uncertainty, people became ancy and I could hear some comments about how unsafe they felt. Was the train about to break-down? Would we be stranded? By this time, because other people looked concerned, I became all the more concerned. I was grateful to finally make it to my destination. That train ride left me uneasy.
This morning I was listening to a sermon by Priscilla Shrier. In the sermon, she was talking about the spirit of fear. She said that when it comes to making decisions in her life, if she feels led to not make a decision because of fear, then she knows she must make that very decision. She explained that because God did not give us a spirit a fear, fear should never be the entity that holds us back when we are trying to move to a new dimension.
This morning I felt a nudge to drive into work today. And for the life of me, I could not delineate whether I felt the need to alter my entire morning routine because the Holy Spirit was leading me to or if it was my uncomfortable situation yesterday that left me so scared that I did not want a repeat of it. I was speaking to a sister-friend about it, and her response was: “pray about it, Soph.” Such simple yet profound words. Her words remind me that at times, I bring the seemingly hefty things to God in prayer, but don’t include Him in my smaller but just as important, day-to-day decisions. God is concerned with every single little thing that affects me and torments me. My safety and my sense of peace are also His concern.
The only way that we can properly separate the voices in our minds is by communicating with Him. We can be led by fear or we can be led by the Holy Spirit.
The only way we can know the difference is by keeping constant communication open between us and God. Don’t rely on your own emotions.
The reality is, there is so much clutter and noise that constantly needs silencing in our spirits and our psyche daily. When we feel out of control, those noises become amplified. When those noises become amplified, we have a God that is ready and willing to talk to us about them. Let’s start that conversation with this prayer below:
Dear God,
Thank You for being a God that is concerned with everything that concerns me. Nothing I go through is too big nor too trivial to bring to You. Lord, I am on the verge of making a decision and I want to be ensured that it is You that is leading me in it. Help me to silence all fear that I experience. Help me to not need to be in control. Remind me that no matter how I feel or how out of control it seems, You promise to be with me. Wherever You direct me, I will go.
In Jesus’ name, I pray.
Amen.
I’m originally from New York and taking the train was once a part of my daily routine, when I was in college. I was too young and too self-unaware to be in tuned with many of the things that I am in tuned with now. I now live in serene Maryland and recently accepted a new job offer in Washington DC. I have the option of driving about an hour in dense traffic to get to the city. Or take the train, which is about a 15 minute commute. Obviously, I chose the latter!
I find that the train system in Washington DC is far different than that of New York. There are often more pressing safety concerns that have people uncomfortable here. Last year, sadly, there was a lady who passed away because of a smoky stalled train in DC. In my opinion, the train rides in DC are far less smooth than that of New York; they are often more bumpy and noisy; I don’t know if I am just more aware of myself and my surroundings now, but I often find myself uneasy on the trains in a way that I never was in New York. My loved ones in the area have also cautioned me to avoid the train line in which I take going to work, because it is notorious for accidents, shootings, delays and the like. Needless to say, I’ve been a little on edge while commuting to work. But there are perks of taking the train– I don’t have to worry about parking in the congested city, I get more exercise in walking, and I get to work much faster.
Yesterday, I was on the train and we were overhead when the train suddenly stopped. The trains out here have the tendency to tilt to the side, which makes me very uneasy. I was suspended in the air, sideways, and had absolutely no control over it. I kept dwelling on 2 Timothy 1:7- “God didn’t give us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” The conductor came on the intercom and said we would be moving momentarily. When we began to move, the train began to make a loud noise and then it stalled. If I may be honest, the fear that I felt seemed larger than the scripture I was reciting. The train did that for a few minutes before we began moving smoothly again. In the midst of that uncertainty, people became ancy and I could hear some comments about how unsafe they felt. Was the train about to break-down? Would we be stranded? By this time, because other people looked concerned, I became all the more concerned. I was grateful to finally make it to my destination. That train ride left me uneasy.
This morning I was listening to a sermon by Priscilla Shrier. In the sermon, she was talking about the spirit of fear. She said that when it comes to making decisions in her life, if she feels led to not make a decision because of fear, then she knows she must make that very decision. She explained that because God did not give us a spirit a fear, fear should never be the entity that holds us back when we are trying to move to a new dimension.
This morning I felt a nudge to drive into work today. And for the life of me, I could not delineate whether I felt the need to alter my entire morning routine because the Holy Spirit was leading me to or if it was my uncomfortable situation yesterday that left me so scared that I did not want a repeat of it. I was speaking to a sister-friend about it, and her response was: “pray about it, Soph.” Such simple yet profound words. Her words remind me that at times, I bring the seemingly hefty things to God in prayer, but don’t include Him in my smaller but just as important, day-to-day decisions. God is concerned with every single little thing that affects me and torments me. My safety and my sense of peace are also His concern.
The only way that we can properly separate the voices in our minds is by communicating with Him. We can be led by fear or we can be led by the Holy Spirit.
The only way we can know the difference is by keeping constant communication open between us and God. Don’t rely on your own emotions.
The reality is, there is so much clutter and noise that constantly needs silencing in our spirits and our psyche daily. When we feel out of control, those noises become amplified. When those noises become amplified, we have a God that is ready and willing to talk to us about them. Let’s start that conversation with this prayer below:
Dear God,
Thank You for being a God that is concerned with everything that concerns me. Nothing I go through is too big nor too trivial to bring to You. Lord, I am on the verge of making a decision and I want to be ensured that it is You that is leading me in it. Help me to silence all fear that I experience. Help me to not need to be in control. Remind me that no matter how I feel or how out of control it seems, You promise to be with me. Wherever You direct me, I will go.
In Jesus’ name, I pray.
Amen.
May 4, 2016
Grace Saved Me
Two of the classes I teach are English 101 and English 102. For the last few semesters, I’ve had some students in my first level English class progress with me to the second course. It’s really gratifying to get to know a student and see them progress from one full semester, let alone two. It is really gratifying and rewarding to see so many students trust me and choose me as they continue on their academic journey.
As we come to a close of the semester, I noticed that one of my students, who I am fond of, and had for two semesters overtly plagiarized on a paper. Obviously a grievous offense in academia. Especially because she was my student for two semesters, I was particularly disappointed in her. By the end of our conversation, both she and I knew that she had no excuse for what she did. So she was going to have to live with the full consequence of her decision. I ended our conversation and I walked away. She was left in tears. That was last week.
But last night. God simply whispered, “Sophia. EVERYBODY needs grace.” And all I could think about was her.
I cannot separate my Christianity from anything that I do, particularly my work. How hypocritical of me would it be to need and depend on Grace every single day, yet be in a position where I didn’t bestow it on others. On my students. On my family. On strangers. On myself.
She has 48 hours to turn that paper around with no consequence. Not because I’m a push over. But because of Grace. #Grace
As we come to a close of the semester, I noticed that one of my students, who I am fond of, and had for two semesters overtly plagiarized on a paper. Obviously a grievous offense in academia. Especially because she was my student for two semesters, I was particularly disappointed in her. By the end of our conversation, both she and I knew that she had no excuse for what she did. So she was going to have to live with the full consequence of her decision. I ended our conversation and I walked away. She was left in tears. That was last week.
But last night. God simply whispered, “Sophia. EVERYBODY needs grace.” And all I could think about was her.
I cannot separate my Christianity from anything that I do, particularly my work. How hypocritical of me would it be to need and depend on Grace every single day, yet be in a position where I didn’t bestow it on others. On my students. On my family. On strangers. On myself.
She has 48 hours to turn that paper around with no consequence. Not because I’m a push over. But because of Grace. #Grace
