Sophia Sunshine Vilceus's Blog: In His Will, page 3
September 8, 2018
sweet day
These last two weeks have been a whirlwind. Began the new semester. Acclimated to a new University. Traveled home and confronted lots of people and emotions. It was just a lot of movement and more than anything today, I wanted to be still..
I slept in till about 11:30, had some sweet Jesus time with my puppy and my hot coffee on the patio. I basked in the changing of seasons, as I relished in the brisk Fall air--I am beginning to think that Fall is my new favorite season. So much anticipation...so much change...so vibrant.
I purposely didn't take any phone calls today. Just needed a day to refuel and replenish. Had a deep conditioner in my hair all day and I just laid on my couch, watching movies... I gave myself permission to mindlessly scroll through social media. I kept my candles lit all day....I was gentle with myself and didn't get hung up on not doing some of the writing, I anticipated on getting done.
Yes, today was a sweet day. A day to be nowhere and embrace the sweetness of rain. A day to just be and lavish myself with generous self care. Thank God for lazy Saturdays. Thank God for life.
I slept in till about 11:30, had some sweet Jesus time with my puppy and my hot coffee on the patio. I basked in the changing of seasons, as I relished in the brisk Fall air--I am beginning to think that Fall is my new favorite season. So much anticipation...so much change...so vibrant.
I purposely didn't take any phone calls today. Just needed a day to refuel and replenish. Had a deep conditioner in my hair all day and I just laid on my couch, watching movies... I gave myself permission to mindlessly scroll through social media. I kept my candles lit all day....I was gentle with myself and didn't get hung up on not doing some of the writing, I anticipated on getting done.
Yes, today was a sweet day. A day to be nowhere and embrace the sweetness of rain. A day to just be and lavish myself with generous self care. Thank God for lazy Saturdays. Thank God for life.
July 4, 2018
independence day
Last night, I stayed up like a giddy kid that had a snow day because I knew I didn’t have work today. 4th of July, and I was anticipating a day off.
I woke up this morning and wasn’t feeling giddy and wasn’t completely sure why. I didn’t wake up with that zest that I try to find every morning. Instead, I arose with an innate dissatisfaction. Some days are like that, I guess.
I made some coffee, took the dog for a quick walk in my pjs, made two eggs and toast, showered and went to the gym.... It wasn’t until I got to the parking lot of the gym that I realized what that hollow emptiness in me, was. In the middle of the parking lot, I came to my realization because there were what seemed to be tons of people, particularly families, doing last minute grocery shopping for the 4th together.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks, I so desperately want that too. More than anything, I wanted that day-- that kind of holiday. I want my fine husband grilling, while my children are sucking on popsicles and cannon-balling in the pool. I want to be looking at them in awe, wondering: “what did I do to merit this awesomely beautiful, full life,” in my form fitting-sundress, sipping some iced-tea. Yea, that’s what I want. That’s what I want most days, particularly days that are filled with family and fun. I want a family and I want tremendous fun.
So I let off some steam on my punching bags at my kickboxing class. I told God, yet again, what I desire. And I came home...and I cleaned my little apartment, barefoot. I swept my patio, as I appreciated the sun. I watered my plants, being mindful of all that is growing in my life. I straightened up my bathroom and I vacuumed and lit a candle. I treated my home as though it was filled with the people I have already prayed for. And I chose to be overwhelmingly grateful for what I have, while not dismissing what I want and also not meditating on what I don’t yet have.
Then Luke 16:10 came to mind: He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. So I’m opting to be faithful with the little that I do have in this season... knowing one July 4th soon...I will be wishing that I had the time and opportunity to sneak away, be still and alone because my family will be that consuming.
God. I just can’t wait for the day where I can celebrate my independence from having to be so dependent on myself. I can’t wait for when those tiny, amazing lives and that handsome man are dependent on me.
I wait in expectation.
I woke up this morning and wasn’t feeling giddy and wasn’t completely sure why. I didn’t wake up with that zest that I try to find every morning. Instead, I arose with an innate dissatisfaction. Some days are like that, I guess.
I made some coffee, took the dog for a quick walk in my pjs, made two eggs and toast, showered and went to the gym.... It wasn’t until I got to the parking lot of the gym that I realized what that hollow emptiness in me, was. In the middle of the parking lot, I came to my realization because there were what seemed to be tons of people, particularly families, doing last minute grocery shopping for the 4th together.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks, I so desperately want that too. More than anything, I wanted that day-- that kind of holiday. I want my fine husband grilling, while my children are sucking on popsicles and cannon-balling in the pool. I want to be looking at them in awe, wondering: “what did I do to merit this awesomely beautiful, full life,” in my form fitting-sundress, sipping some iced-tea. Yea, that’s what I want. That’s what I want most days, particularly days that are filled with family and fun. I want a family and I want tremendous fun.
So I let off some steam on my punching bags at my kickboxing class. I told God, yet again, what I desire. And I came home...and I cleaned my little apartment, barefoot. I swept my patio, as I appreciated the sun. I watered my plants, being mindful of all that is growing in my life. I straightened up my bathroom and I vacuumed and lit a candle. I treated my home as though it was filled with the people I have already prayed for. And I chose to be overwhelmingly grateful for what I have, while not dismissing what I want and also not meditating on what I don’t yet have.
Then Luke 16:10 came to mind: He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. So I’m opting to be faithful with the little that I do have in this season... knowing one July 4th soon...I will be wishing that I had the time and opportunity to sneak away, be still and alone because my family will be that consuming.
God. I just can’t wait for the day where I can celebrate my independence from having to be so dependent on myself. I can’t wait for when those tiny, amazing lives and that handsome man are dependent on me.
I wait in expectation.
April 18, 2018
29
I came into 29, grateful to be alive and well, yet feeling overwhelmingly empty and lacking love. Not too long before my birthday, I decided to make peace with where I was, particularly emotionally and financially. I reasoned that 29 would be the year of acceptance. And I fully accepted that though I wasn’t going to be laid up on a beach for my birthday, like I had hoped, I would make the absolute best of the day, with what I had.
I woke up early and went running, did my nails and hair and basked in a little more self-care than usual. But somehow the day was not enough. Though I received a few sweet messages and gestures from loved ones, my mind kept wandering back to the people who forgot about me. Who didn’t call or text. The people that I have intentionally poured into with my time and my love--those people forgot. They forgot all about me. And it was a sobering realization that I am not loved at the capacity in which I love.
I was brutally reminded about this lack of love, everytime a “well-meaning” aunt shared her wish of me finding a man and not having to be alone next year. I wanted to retort back and let them know that being alone is not what I desired for myself either! I also wanted to remind them of all that I am and have done without a man. But I had to press on, with bruised feelings, as per usual. But I am not used to bruised feelings on my birthday.
So, my birthday came and went. I didn’t make a big deal of it this year and the ones I love didn’t either. It made me realize why I am often so intentional about celebrating myself--I am scared that folks won’t do it for me. I through grand celebrations for myself and folks take part. But this time, in not doing so for myself, others didn’t either. I came to very specific moment...I had to make a decision on whether I was going to let others not loving me in the capacity I need and want, deter me from loving them well. I chose to continue to be myself. And to love well. Because frankly, I think it makes me me. It sets me apart. And I like to be apart.
So...I am not exactly where I want to be. I want more out of my life. And I want more love. I won’t let my birthday dictate what this year is going to be for me. I am hopeful and prayerful that I am going to find so much love that matches my love-- in family, in chosen family, in a man, and in my crew. I am hopeful and prayerful that I will travel more and go on those trips that I’ve been itching to go on. And that I will find more financial stability, and stability in general, in my career. I am prayerful and hopeful that Jesus will show me the way and pick up these broken feelings and make something awesome out of them.
I came into 29 alive and well...but damn it. I’m gonna get to my happy too.
I woke up early and went running, did my nails and hair and basked in a little more self-care than usual. But somehow the day was not enough. Though I received a few sweet messages and gestures from loved ones, my mind kept wandering back to the people who forgot about me. Who didn’t call or text. The people that I have intentionally poured into with my time and my love--those people forgot. They forgot all about me. And it was a sobering realization that I am not loved at the capacity in which I love.
I was brutally reminded about this lack of love, everytime a “well-meaning” aunt shared her wish of me finding a man and not having to be alone next year. I wanted to retort back and let them know that being alone is not what I desired for myself either! I also wanted to remind them of all that I am and have done without a man. But I had to press on, with bruised feelings, as per usual. But I am not used to bruised feelings on my birthday.
So, my birthday came and went. I didn’t make a big deal of it this year and the ones I love didn’t either. It made me realize why I am often so intentional about celebrating myself--I am scared that folks won’t do it for me. I through grand celebrations for myself and folks take part. But this time, in not doing so for myself, others didn’t either. I came to very specific moment...I had to make a decision on whether I was going to let others not loving me in the capacity I need and want, deter me from loving them well. I chose to continue to be myself. And to love well. Because frankly, I think it makes me me. It sets me apart. And I like to be apart.
So...I am not exactly where I want to be. I want more out of my life. And I want more love. I won’t let my birthday dictate what this year is going to be for me. I am hopeful and prayerful that I am going to find so much love that matches my love-- in family, in chosen family, in a man, and in my crew. I am hopeful and prayerful that I will travel more and go on those trips that I’ve been itching to go on. And that I will find more financial stability, and stability in general, in my career. I am prayerful and hopeful that Jesus will show me the way and pick up these broken feelings and make something awesome out of them.
I came into 29 alive and well...but damn it. I’m gonna get to my happy too.
April 11, 2018
March 10, 2018
Losing Control
I lost it. The control that sometimes I dupe myself into thinking that I actually have—yea, I lost it.
For the last month or so, I’ve been trying my best to manage the stress in my life. The stress of rejection, financial difficulties, uncertainty in my career etc… I’ve been working hard to maintain some level of peace but all of that came crashing down, as my blood pressure steadily rose and my equilibrium failed to do what it needed to. The room was spinning because my circumstances were spinning me.
So, I landed myself in urgent care. And I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself for letting life’s circumstances impact my health so adversely.
Frustrated with my body for cracking and turning against me.
Frustrated at my mind for continuously replaying the scene from unresolved hurt.
Frustrated at the circumstances that landed me here.
Frustrated at the dismissive doctor who “tended” to me while I was vulnerable.
I was pissed. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. Because I’ve been trying my best, yet it seemed that my best was simply not good enough… My best in attempting to make others like me/ love me was not good enough.
My best to stay on top of my finances fell short. With all the working out and red juices I make, my wellness still was impaired. I fell short. A part of me feels like a failure when I fall short on my wellness.
So, in the shower I had a good cleansing cry. And my sincere prayer simply was as follows: “Lord, help!”
Life is tough, you guys. And facing the uncertainties of life apart from genuine partnership and/or community is tougher.
But I had to make a decision. Was I going to let life continue to beat me up? Or was I going to fully surrender and let God fight for me? I chose the latter.
I chatted with a few, good friends. I prayed and I requested prayer. I took a night off of work. And declined an outing that I knew was not going to bring me closer to the peace and stability I need. Stayed away from coffee and got 12 hours of sleep. Stayed off social media. I took a kickboxing class this morning and visualized that I was fighting with the devil. In that fight, I won.
In this one, too. I win.
So as always, I dust myself off and we try again. I lost it. But now, I’m back because I realize that I never needed to have it all together in the first place.
I’m trying my best.
For the last month or so, I’ve been trying my best to manage the stress in my life. The stress of rejection, financial difficulties, uncertainty in my career etc… I’ve been working hard to maintain some level of peace but all of that came crashing down, as my blood pressure steadily rose and my equilibrium failed to do what it needed to. The room was spinning because my circumstances were spinning me.
So, I landed myself in urgent care. And I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself for letting life’s circumstances impact my health so adversely.
Frustrated with my body for cracking and turning against me.
Frustrated at my mind for continuously replaying the scene from unresolved hurt.
Frustrated at the circumstances that landed me here.
Frustrated at the dismissive doctor who “tended” to me while I was vulnerable.
I was pissed. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. Because I’ve been trying my best, yet it seemed that my best was simply not good enough… My best in attempting to make others like me/ love me was not good enough.
My best to stay on top of my finances fell short. With all the working out and red juices I make, my wellness still was impaired. I fell short. A part of me feels like a failure when I fall short on my wellness.
So, in the shower I had a good cleansing cry. And my sincere prayer simply was as follows: “Lord, help!”
Life is tough, you guys. And facing the uncertainties of life apart from genuine partnership and/or community is tougher.
But I had to make a decision. Was I going to let life continue to beat me up? Or was I going to fully surrender and let God fight for me? I chose the latter.
I chatted with a few, good friends. I prayed and I requested prayer. I took a night off of work. And declined an outing that I knew was not going to bring me closer to the peace and stability I need. Stayed away from coffee and got 12 hours of sleep. Stayed off social media. I took a kickboxing class this morning and visualized that I was fighting with the devil. In that fight, I won.
In this one, too. I win.
So as always, I dust myself off and we try again. I lost it. But now, I’m back because I realize that I never needed to have it all together in the first place.
I’m trying my best.
December 31, 2017
Grace in the New Year
I honestly didn’t realize I had a bit of an inferiority complex to work through until I had to create my Faculty Profile for WCU. In many ways, I had been a big fish in a small pond, teaching at Community Colleges. Everyone knew and loved “Professor Sunshine” & my classes filled up quickly because my students heard about this young, corny, black lady who played Beyonce & had potlucks on the last class.
But at a larger #PWI, I felt like a small fish in an Ocean (& a sista don’t know how to swim). If I’m being real, I was even slightly intimidated to teach students who didn’t look like me. Though I knew I was called to teach, once I started comparing myself to all these big shots, with a million letters behind their names, I thought maybe I don’t merit a seat at this table. Oh but grace.
Grace is being under-qualified on paper yet over-qualified in the interview.
Grace is not having the FICO score yet still securing the apartment that becomes home.
Grace is being broke and having nowhere to live, but your sister- friend *happens* to live in the state where you’re relocating to & allows you to kick it until you get on your feet.
Grace is when you brace yourself to spend holidays alone, & loved ones show up to remind you that you don’t have to.
Grace is not having a seat at the table, yet they pull one up and make room for you anyway.
As the year comes to a close, I’m overwhelmingly grateful for all the ways that God has shown up for me in tangible ways in 2017. May we all realize that though we are not enough on our own, by the way of a Gracious God, we can kick that inferiority comped to the side. Here’s to more grace in 2018!
But at a larger #PWI, I felt like a small fish in an Ocean (& a sista don’t know how to swim). If I’m being real, I was even slightly intimidated to teach students who didn’t look like me. Though I knew I was called to teach, once I started comparing myself to all these big shots, with a million letters behind their names, I thought maybe I don’t merit a seat at this table. Oh but grace.
Grace is being under-qualified on paper yet over-qualified in the interview.
Grace is not having the FICO score yet still securing the apartment that becomes home.
Grace is being broke and having nowhere to live, but your sister- friend *happens* to live in the state where you’re relocating to & allows you to kick it until you get on your feet.
Grace is when you brace yourself to spend holidays alone, & loved ones show up to remind you that you don’t have to.
Grace is not having a seat at the table, yet they pull one up and make room for you anyway.
As the year comes to a close, I’m overwhelmingly grateful for all the ways that God has shown up for me in tangible ways in 2017. May we all realize that though we are not enough on our own, by the way of a Gracious God, we can kick that inferiority comped to the side. Here’s to more grace in 2018!
Last Year. New Year. Same Hope
My quest for 2017 is to not be on such a grueling quest anymore. To not constantly be looking for the very things that I have been so fortunate to already attain. To not look for love in the wrong or expected places. To simply be who I am. To continue to be the love. To appreciate and bask more fully in the genuine, concerned, healthy love that I have already found in many of those that envelope me. To not be so offended when loved ones don’t love me right.
In 2017, may I continue to remember that, in every point- no matter how empty or defeated or satisfied I feel, I am exactly where I need to be. That I never need to look outside of myself for peace, validation, encouragement, agreeance and unconditional love. 2016 has been beautiful and blessed, not because it was free from turmoil, personal and professional attacks, anxiety, challenges, doubts and sadness...but because it was filled with Grace, resilience, come-backs, health, wisdom and tough lessons. Because I was the best version of myself and I am only getting better, I'm grateful. I have loved hard and was intentional about it, even when I did not receive all the love that I thought I needed. I am still here. We are still here. And that my friend, is victory enough.
I am not intentionally looking for anything in 2017. Because goodness and Mercy surely *follows* me. I do not have to chase it. Seek it. I am content here.
May you know that now and in the New Year, that you are enough. #NewYearsEve #Reflection #SophiaSunshine
In 2017, may I continue to remember that, in every point- no matter how empty or defeated or satisfied I feel, I am exactly where I need to be. That I never need to look outside of myself for peace, validation, encouragement, agreeance and unconditional love. 2016 has been beautiful and blessed, not because it was free from turmoil, personal and professional attacks, anxiety, challenges, doubts and sadness...but because it was filled with Grace, resilience, come-backs, health, wisdom and tough lessons. Because I was the best version of myself and I am only getting better, I'm grateful. I have loved hard and was intentional about it, even when I did not receive all the love that I thought I needed. I am still here. We are still here. And that my friend, is victory enough.
I am not intentionally looking for anything in 2017. Because goodness and Mercy surely *follows* me. I do not have to chase it. Seek it. I am content here.
May you know that now and in the New Year, that you are enough. #NewYearsEve #Reflection #SophiaSunshine
September 24, 2017
Transitions Pt. 2
I aimlessly scrolled through instagram. And I saw that my dear sister-friend had posted a photo of her loving father. He traveled to go help her pack as she transitioned to another state. Much like I did a month ago. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy. (That’s what social media can do). I smiled at that sweet picture, but there was something in me that wished that my parents could also help me through this transition of mine.
Within days notice, I picked up my life, that I built over the course of 6 years in Maryland, and transitioned to Philly. For the most part, the transition has been smooth and a part of me feels guilty for complaining or having any sadness attached to this relocation. But reality is, this was a huge transition for me. And though this was a monumental prayer answered for me, of course, the answer does not look exactly how I envisioned it in my mind.
The transition has been a process. Every day and every week, I am intentional about moving the process along. Paying back friends who so graciously spotted me to help me transition. Looking for a place to live. Scoping out the necessities, banks, grocery stores. Trying to get my finances together so I can leave my friend’s home, that she so graciously is sharing with me while I get on my feet. Making time to still take care of my emotional, spiritual and physical health.
With a new position, came heavy new realities, new demands, new responsibilities, new everything. New is hard for me.
And though I know in my spirit that I am not alone and that I am never alone. I must admit, I do feel alone. Whenever I am wandering into new territory, I feel that thing in my spirit that says: mom is no longer here with you. Dad, doesn’t really know how to be here for you. Your family is not concerned with supporting you. And I hurt. Today, I cried in church--not because I was lost in worship. But because I felt so extremely alone. Alone in this life, in this transition, in this moment.
Then this song came on. It goes: “Hallelujah, you have won the victory. Hallelujah, you have one it all for me…” I remember weeping to this song when it felt like I was so alone in college, wondering if I was actually going to make it. I remember weeping to this song at the end of grad school, wondering if I was gonna make it out a terrible relationship. Then I found myself singing this song today… and it was a brutal reminder that I made it then. I will make it again. Not because I am so courageous or able, but because my God is.
So yea… this transition has been smooth, in the sense that I have a roof over my head. Not my roof, but a roof. I’ve never had to go to bed hungry, though some nights, I much rather had eaten something else but my budget didn’t permit. But my emotions have been complicated. There are moments, like my dear friend has, where I just wish my parents could just show up for me...help me pack...move me along. But for whatever reason, perhaps for a glorious reason, God has me walking this journey this way.
This week, I just pray for contentment, understanding, and some joy… I pray that God helps me to see the good in this moment. I pray for my heart and my hurt and my grief. I pray for strength to not wallow in the condition of my heart, my hurt and grief. I pray for patience in my process. And I pray for compassion to find me.
I write this all out, with tears in my eyes, a heavy but grateful heart...and I am giving myself permission to feel it all.
It gets better. I’m getting better.
Within days notice, I picked up my life, that I built over the course of 6 years in Maryland, and transitioned to Philly. For the most part, the transition has been smooth and a part of me feels guilty for complaining or having any sadness attached to this relocation. But reality is, this was a huge transition for me. And though this was a monumental prayer answered for me, of course, the answer does not look exactly how I envisioned it in my mind.
The transition has been a process. Every day and every week, I am intentional about moving the process along. Paying back friends who so graciously spotted me to help me transition. Looking for a place to live. Scoping out the necessities, banks, grocery stores. Trying to get my finances together so I can leave my friend’s home, that she so graciously is sharing with me while I get on my feet. Making time to still take care of my emotional, spiritual and physical health.
With a new position, came heavy new realities, new demands, new responsibilities, new everything. New is hard for me.
And though I know in my spirit that I am not alone and that I am never alone. I must admit, I do feel alone. Whenever I am wandering into new territory, I feel that thing in my spirit that says: mom is no longer here with you. Dad, doesn’t really know how to be here for you. Your family is not concerned with supporting you. And I hurt. Today, I cried in church--not because I was lost in worship. But because I felt so extremely alone. Alone in this life, in this transition, in this moment.
Then this song came on. It goes: “Hallelujah, you have won the victory. Hallelujah, you have one it all for me…” I remember weeping to this song when it felt like I was so alone in college, wondering if I was actually going to make it. I remember weeping to this song at the end of grad school, wondering if I was gonna make it out a terrible relationship. Then I found myself singing this song today… and it was a brutal reminder that I made it then. I will make it again. Not because I am so courageous or able, but because my God is.
So yea… this transition has been smooth, in the sense that I have a roof over my head. Not my roof, but a roof. I’ve never had to go to bed hungry, though some nights, I much rather had eaten something else but my budget didn’t permit. But my emotions have been complicated. There are moments, like my dear friend has, where I just wish my parents could just show up for me...help me pack...move me along. But for whatever reason, perhaps for a glorious reason, God has me walking this journey this way.
This week, I just pray for contentment, understanding, and some joy… I pray that God helps me to see the good in this moment. I pray for my heart and my hurt and my grief. I pray for strength to not wallow in the condition of my heart, my hurt and grief. I pray for patience in my process. And I pray for compassion to find me.
I write this all out, with tears in my eyes, a heavy but grateful heart...and I am giving myself permission to feel it all.
It gets better. I’m getting better.
August 21, 2017
Transitions
Transitions are difficult. They are necessary, but difficult. I am reminded of this as I have packed up the last six years of my life to move to a brand new city, to accept a job offer. Of course, this situation is what I have been fervently praying for, for so long. Of course, God’s manifestation of things is not exactly how I envisioned it in my head. In my head, I wouldn’t have renewed my 12 month lease at the cusp of receiving this offer, to then have to break it and pay an overwhelming fee. In my head, I would have the savings to have seamlessly moved into my dream home, immediately and not have to crash at my sister-friend’s place temporarily. But I remind myself of Romans 8:28-- this is all working together for my good, somehow, someway.
Transitions are emotional. I am reminded of this as I soak in every last minute in the church I have called home for years. This covering, helped me survive graduate school, an affair, a dead-end job and an accident and a million things in between. This covering helped me fulfill my dream of becoming an author, a Professor and a whole, healthier me. I’m sad to leave. Just like I am sad to leave boot-camp, the place that, was for many days, my only solace when I was dealing with extreme loneliness and bouts of depression. This place is where I became better, healthier, clearer, and lighter. There were days where I did not desire to get out of bed because there seemed to be no point. And this place kept me accountable and put at least one thing on my itinerary. I am sad to leave the comfort of my students who I have known and grown with over the last 4 years. I am sad to leave my therapist who God used for my good. She helped me maneuver so many painful moments, particularly involving my family. And in many ways, changed the course of my life by changing the course of my mind.
I am sad to go but I am ready to go.
Transitions are big. I feel with this move, comes a wave of newness. Of possibility. I do wholeheartedly believe that all that I want in this season of my life is here in this new place. In this new space. In this new frame.
I am praying that I don’t lose sight of myself. That I stay committed to my wellness regimen even in the midst of transition. I hope I find an amazing gym. I hope that I make really really good friends. That I am pushed in my new position. That I get to relish in my family and chosen family more by being closer. Above all, I hope to find love.
I am faithful that I will find love.
So yes. I sat in my car tonight holding back tears, while saying, “you are allowed to be overwhelmed in this moment.” And damn it, I am allowed because this stuff is a big, big deal.
I’m unsure of what’s to come and the woman in me who lives by the planner is struggling with that. Even with people around and emotional support from loved ones, I still miss my mom during these monumental transitions. The little girl in me feels that loss when I feel lost. I’m grateful that God came through and answered my prayers right when I thought he forgot all about me.
Transitions are tough. But I’m tougher.
Transitions are emotional. I am reminded of this as I soak in every last minute in the church I have called home for years. This covering, helped me survive graduate school, an affair, a dead-end job and an accident and a million things in between. This covering helped me fulfill my dream of becoming an author, a Professor and a whole, healthier me. I’m sad to leave. Just like I am sad to leave boot-camp, the place that, was for many days, my only solace when I was dealing with extreme loneliness and bouts of depression. This place is where I became better, healthier, clearer, and lighter. There were days where I did not desire to get out of bed because there seemed to be no point. And this place kept me accountable and put at least one thing on my itinerary. I am sad to leave the comfort of my students who I have known and grown with over the last 4 years. I am sad to leave my therapist who God used for my good. She helped me maneuver so many painful moments, particularly involving my family. And in many ways, changed the course of my life by changing the course of my mind.
I am sad to go but I am ready to go.
Transitions are big. I feel with this move, comes a wave of newness. Of possibility. I do wholeheartedly believe that all that I want in this season of my life is here in this new place. In this new space. In this new frame.
I am praying that I don’t lose sight of myself. That I stay committed to my wellness regimen even in the midst of transition. I hope I find an amazing gym. I hope that I make really really good friends. That I am pushed in my new position. That I get to relish in my family and chosen family more by being closer. Above all, I hope to find love.
I am faithful that I will find love.
So yes. I sat in my car tonight holding back tears, while saying, “you are allowed to be overwhelmed in this moment.” And damn it, I am allowed because this stuff is a big, big deal.
I’m unsure of what’s to come and the woman in me who lives by the planner is struggling with that. Even with people around and emotional support from loved ones, I still miss my mom during these monumental transitions. The little girl in me feels that loss when I feel lost. I’m grateful that God came through and answered my prayers right when I thought he forgot all about me.
Transitions are tough. But I’m tougher.
July 27, 2017
Atypical morning
Yesterday morning, as I drove to work, everything seemed typical. I had my coffee and a piece of fruit. I was blasting some gospel after my morning-car prayer. And I was replaying in my head what I was about to teach my students. As I made a turn to approach the campus building, the morning abruptly became atypical as I saw a dead corpse laying on the sidewalk. Helicopters were floating in the air, people had their smart phones out, detectives were scoping the scene and a lone boot lay in the middle of the busy intersection.
I could not ignore this bloody scene, so I pulled into the parking lot adjacent from this horrific scene and began to gather the pieces to this tragic story. Apparently a young man was trying to cross a busy intersection, after leaving IHOP, and a pick-up truck fatally struck him.
I was not okay with this. I was not okay with this a-typical morning. I was filled with emotion. I prayed that this man’s soul was saved. I pray for the relatives that were going to get the worst call of their lives. I prayed for the driver who will live with this trauma endlessly. I was aggravated at all the bystanders filming this poor, dead man with their smartphones. I wondered if they thought to say a prayer on his behalf. I couldn’t fathom the officials whose life work is to deal with these scenes. I was not okay with God’s choice that morning.
I had no clue who this man was, but there was something so grounding and heavy about seeing a human laying on the side of the road like a deer.
I’m sad that there is such sadness in the midst of our existence. I am grateful to be alive and well. This scene yesterday morning reminds me that every time we get up, head on our way and are well, is in fact a spectacular morning. It’s so easy to become desensitized to the mundane.
May this man have woken up in the arms of Jesus that morning. Bless his soul. His loved ones.
I could not ignore this bloody scene, so I pulled into the parking lot adjacent from this horrific scene and began to gather the pieces to this tragic story. Apparently a young man was trying to cross a busy intersection, after leaving IHOP, and a pick-up truck fatally struck him.
I was not okay with this. I was not okay with this a-typical morning. I was filled with emotion. I prayed that this man’s soul was saved. I pray for the relatives that were going to get the worst call of their lives. I prayed for the driver who will live with this trauma endlessly. I was aggravated at all the bystanders filming this poor, dead man with their smartphones. I wondered if they thought to say a prayer on his behalf. I couldn’t fathom the officials whose life work is to deal with these scenes. I was not okay with God’s choice that morning.
I had no clue who this man was, but there was something so grounding and heavy about seeing a human laying on the side of the road like a deer.
I’m sad that there is such sadness in the midst of our existence. I am grateful to be alive and well. This scene yesterday morning reminds me that every time we get up, head on our way and are well, is in fact a spectacular morning. It’s so easy to become desensitized to the mundane.
May this man have woken up in the arms of Jesus that morning. Bless his soul. His loved ones.
