Kelly Rae Roberts's Blog, page 87

dream lab!

(quote by brene, design/script by ali)

top five reasons i'd love for you to join me for a very very special edition of dream lab (starts TODAY!)

1. because no matter where we our in our path, we can always practice opening up. i absolutely LOVE that this particular dream lab is about "allowing ourselves to be seen and loved no matter who we are or what we are going through." - HELLO! and sign me up (done!).

2. because the topics will be based on friend brene brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You Are and Embrace Who You Really Are. i was reading this very book when my aha moment came to me (and released me from so much heartache). i called brene immediately and gushed and gushed on her voicemail about how this book was changing my life. totally loving that we'll get to explore the heart + soul of this book during dream lab WITH brene.


3. because brene has a way of helping us unearth ourselves. her ted talk is one of the most viewed ted talks in the world. her dvd's have changed my (and my husband's) way of thinking AND parenting (wrote about this here). i simply can't wait to hear all of her wisdom (and her southern accent) during the ten audio interviews of dream lab.

4. because your community is waiting for you...like minded kindreds will be connecting in the password protected site, sharing their stories, their aha's, their triumphs, their courage + compassion. i love, love, love this part of dream lab.

5. because andrea and jen will be facilitating and leading the whole thing (just as they do with every dream lab + mondo beyondo session) and i can't think of two more inspiring dreamers. the two of them plus brene is a combination that just might send me over the edge into the land of BLISS.

bonus: because i can't think of a better way to kick off the new year. i really cannot.

Dream Lab launches TODAY! Go sign your booties up! I'll see you there!
xxo,
kelly rae

Weekly Sponsor Spotlights: Beth Quinn, Unravelling, Kristin Noelle, True Essence Coaching, Lisa Ferrante + Flora Bowley

Big thanks to my sponsors...I'm really enjoying these weekly sponsor spotlights where their creative talents and businesses are featured. If you are interested in becoming a sponsor (includes your ad on the sidebar + ongoing spotlights), please send me an email for further information!

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Jewelry artist Beth Quinn is "a mom of two wonderful little boys, married to my best friend, and an artist who loves to create anything from paper, fabric, wood, paint and metal." Influenced by her late father's metal working and her grandmother's creativity, her jewelry is "full of her love for the old , worn and shiny ... she loves to combine texture to create jewelry that can be loved and cherished for years to come." Please head over to Beth's website where you can find her shop and her blog!
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The Unravelling e-course is an 8-week online class designed to help you heal the way you see your self and your world, using photography and journalling to access hidden thoughts & dreams and encourage personal realisations, all in the safe space of a like-minded community. Photographer & writer Susannah Conway is your guide through this process, sharing her insights and wisdom gleaned from a four-year voyage through grief and healing. You don't need any previous photography experience to do this course - all you need is a camera (iPhones are perfect for unravelling!), a journal & pen and an open heart.
Registration for the Spring Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self class opens in February - you can check out what past participants have said about their Unravelling journeys over here (there are videos too :) Give yourself permission to take a couple of hours out of your week to devote solely to YOU; this isn't self-indulgence, this is nurturing, nourishing soul time - come join us for some new year unravelling!

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Trust Tending is a brand new sketch blog devoted to addressing fear by means of focusing on something else entirely: the nurturance of trust. If you ever have the experience of feeling blocked from pursuing your dreams, living the life you want to live, or having an inner world that enlivens and emboldens you to share your gifts with the world, this site has you at heart. Come by and see what we're doing there! My name is Kristin Noelle and I'd love to welcome you!
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Would you like to enrich your life? Express who you really are in your daily activities? Do you feel out of balance? Would you like to experience more joy, more energy and live more healthfully? True Essence Coaching provides life coaching, wellness counseling, postpartum doula services and other complimentary therapies to women and mothers. She helps women carve out time for themselves, remember how to nurture themselves in busy times, and schedule in some fun and creativity in the process. Eithne Egan is a single mom who has a special place in her heart (and her practice) for other single parents, and for anyone raising a child with special needs. Discounts and sliding scales available, plus combination sessions for flexibility. Connect onFacebook or Twitter too and sign up for my newsletter here.

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My name is Lisa Ferrante. I am a self taught mixed media artist. Through my art years of feelings about my life have begun to flow from my hands and my heart. Intimately woven with my long suppressed feelings about my mother who died when I was five years old are my passionate feelings about my two magical little girls. All my pieces are about love, maternal love, romantic love, self love and self empowerment. They are me exposed; each purges a powerful emotion, a profound realization, another step in my evolution as a woman. As the themes have evolved I have learned to love and accept me for the first time in my life. A customer recently wrote: "Lisa, your package brought me, my sister and my daughter to tears. Your generosity of spirit and kindness on top of the sheer beauty of the pieces filled us to overflowing with gratitude, love for art, artists and life! We all felt so aware that what we were celebrating was the supportive relationships between women and the amazing effects we can have on our worlds".
Kelly Rae readers receive a free gift with purchase just write in "message to seller" Kelly Rae sent me! Browse my shop at chloeandsofiasmom.etsy.com for beautiful and inspirational prints and reproductions pieces for you and every woman you love. Or check out my blog atLisaFerrante.com
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Flora Bowley's vibrant paintings are rich with color, soul and imagination and her love for life and spontaneous nature are clearly visible in her easily recognizable creations. Flora thrives in the magic of spontaneous and joyful art making and believes there are no mistakes in the creative process. She prefers to work intuitively, allowing her paintings to unfold naturally, often changing courses along the way. Each painting offers the viewer many windows into the deep layers and stories created as color, mark making and imagery co-mingle to celebrate the present moment; chaotic, subtle, mystical and ever changing.
Flora lives and works full-time as a painter in Portland, OR, where she is inspired by magical forests, abundant gardens and a thriving community of fellow artists. Throughout the year, Flora enjoys traveling and teaching her "Bloom True" workshops in colorful locations around the world. Her work can be found in numerous galleries and also on a variety of unique products made in collaboration with Papaya. Please visit her website here: www.florabowley.com and her blog here: www.florabowley.typepad.com

thank you!

just wanted to peek in over here and say a ginormous THANK YOU! yesterday's one day sale was a huge success. thank you, too, for putting up with my many tweets and facebook status updates ALL DAY - i tend to get a little enthusiastic:)



(new 6x6 canvas - coming soon to the online shop)

today, i am getting myself organized on a million fronts. feels really really good to be back after taking a long while off for maternity leave. lots of projects and fun stuff coming up soon. i'm also working on my mondo beyondo dream list for 2011. are you guys working on yours? i'm thinking hard about what's calling me, what my heart says, and what i want to invite more of into my life in 2011. man, how i love new beginnings.

thank you again for your support and for all of you creative biz folks out there, one day sales work. go for it! xxo, kelly rae

TODAY ONLY: A MAJOR TREAT JUST FOR YOU!!!!!

(me, way before i was preggers. photo by andrea scher)
one day last summer i offered the whole shabang for a seriously discounted price and you guys went berserk scooping it up. it was so much fun!! ever since then, you have been asking for the one day sale again. i've been waiting until TODAY to offer it because there's nothing like the new year to inspire new dreams. let's make 2011 the year your creative biz will soar. let's start the year with everything you could ever need to make that dream real. let's simply begin, one small step at a time.

i'd like to celebrate this first week of the new year by offering an even bigger discount than last time....just for you, just for today! TODAY ONLY, i'm offering Flying Lessons: Tips + Tricks To Help Your Creative Biz Soar - The WHOLE SHABANG version for just $89 - a small investment for the long term success of your creative biz. normally $140, this ebook is 205 pages of beautifully designed content built into an highly functional and interactive PDF. more importantly, it's everything i've ever learned about growing a successful creative biz while remaining absolutely true to who we are (it's totally possible for you!).
i WILL NOT be offering it at this price again this year. today is the day. get it while you can, friends. that's a whopping $50 off the regular price! woohooo! offer ends around 11:30pm PST today (wednesday). i deeply believe this ebook is some of the most valuable and important work i will ever put out into the universe. it's not just an ebook about how to make your creative biz soar (whether you are a beginner or have been doing this for years). it's about inspiring my fellow creative souls of the world to go for it. it's inspiration and concrete, practical tips. i'm so so proud to offer it and have been blown away by the response ever since it launched last summer (thank you!).


here are a few things you're saying about this ebook:
"Holy Moly, Kelly! Thank you for being so generous and thorough in everything you are covering! I've taken several e-courses and read many e-books, but this is by far the most practical and actually makes me feel like I can do it. Awesome."

"I cannot thank you enough for this wonderful content and the fact that it was not just informative, but that you, yourself, Kelly Rae, came shining through, making it all so personal. This is the most amazing, WORTH IT content I have ever read."

"Holy Camoly. Where in the world could we find all this info in such a short time, from someone who KNOWS? It would have taken me a LIFETIME…thank you so much Kelly Rae!"

"This content has been a catalyst in helping me to see exactly where I want to take my creative business. Before I felt like I was floundering around in uncertainty and fear. Now I really believe that I can make my artsy dreams a reality! You have given me the resources, tools, and knowledge to take my creative business to places I thought were only open to a chosen few."

"Kelly Rae, this is generous…. and I mean GENEROUS amount of info and insight you are showering upon me! Thank you!"

"I am blown away by all the work you have put into this Kelly. WAY BEYOND what I expected."

"I am absolutely floored at the empowerment you are giving me Kelly. I dont think I have ever felt as confident as I do now."


to celebrate with me and download your ebook TODAY ONLY for just $89, head on over to my website and click the "buy now" button over there. it currently says $140, but once you click on it, you'll see the new price of $89. again, all the details are over there. offer ends TODAY (wednesday) around 11:30pm PST.
go, go, go!!! and woohoooooo! i feel like screaming "yee haw!"

thoughts on how we're going to make this happen

before i begin, i just want to say that TOMORROW TOMORROW (tomorrow) i am offering a very special something to YOU!! you've all be asking for it and the new year is a perfect time to get it (think dreaming big, taking flight). i will only be offering this special something FOR ONE DAY ONLY, so get ready and be sure to come back to this space tomorrow!!!



true is three months old. just like that. my maternity leave is officially over, just like that, too. i have decided to slowly ease my way back in gently. gentle is my 2011 word, afterall.

i have a looonnnggg to-do list of art projects, home projects, blog projects, writing projects. my inspiration is getting ahead of me, though i'm learning to write it all down before it escapes my brain. i'm not sure yet how my work days will be structured now that i'm off maternity leave. i just know i'll need the structure if i'm going to get anything done. i've been working very very hard to just simply be with him when he's not napping which means short segments here and there to answer emails, computer work, etc when he is napping. this set up isn't the best workwise, though it's what i've been doing when john works (long 14+ days, 3 days/wk).



the good news is that we've made some big decisions over here which means less work hours for john which should mean more flexibility to our weeks without the need for childcare. my hope is to do most of my creative work in the evenings when baby true is fast asleep as well as some blocks of time throughout the week for biz. i'm sure it will be trial and error until we find that sweet spot. i'm just insanely grateful that we're able to cut back on john's hours - something he always dreamed of doing once we started a family. i'll be cutting back on my hours, too - there's simply no way i can (or want) to work the hours i worked in 2010, but i'm sure (i'm sure!) there is a way to work less while still being productive while still be fulfilled while still being inspired. i'm motivated to find that rhythm (wish me luck!).

during my search for that rhythm, my only goal is be with true during the days and hours that i have him - really with him. i don't want to multitask work into the days that i've got baby true. it just makes me anxious. rather, i'm excited to find that sweet spot so that when it's work time, it's work time. and when it's family time, it's family time.

thank you, 2010 + hello, 2011

before i do the 2010 recap, i wanted to say a sincere thank you to all of you. 2010 was a weird, crazy, full full year. i love having this space to document the unfolding of my life. the celebrations, the heartbreaks, the flow, the joys, the photos, the artwork, the travel, the silly, the serious. i love being a part of the blogging community and i really can't thank you enough for celebrating with me this year, for hanging in there with me, for supporting my creative business, and for all the kindness you send my way. i'm counting my lucky stars for you. i really, really am. without this blog and the wide orbit/community that it's a part of, i would not be where i am today. and where i am today is in the very center of a beautiful, beautiful life. thank you.

i wrote this awhile back and wanted to repost it again today:
we are much more than just artist and crafters. we are people who have a unique and much needed gift of expressing ourselves and the beauty of the world around us. we tell our stories in painterly shades of blues, reds, greens. we tell it in pretty fonts and beautiful photos and words strung together to create meaningful stories. we reach for our dreams and we live our lives with a strong belief in a hopeful world that sees us for all that we are. i am so happy to be a part of this expressly unique community because the world needs our visions and it needs our hearts.



dear 2010, i can barely breathe when i think of you. and i mean that. i lived you at lightening speed - it was all very fast with an enormous amount of transition. many people in my life thought i was downright crazy to cram so much in one year, and there were moments when i certainly thought i was crazy with all that i was juggling at any given moment. but even with all the chaos, i loved every minute of you - blessings and heartbreak and all. it will be the year i'll always remember as being so full of abundance yet likely one of my hardest years ever. i'm hoping 2011 will be a bit more gentle. in fact, i'm going to make gentle my word for 2011. by the way, nurture was my word for 2010 which makes me want to pee my pants in ironic laughter. my world should have been intense.

okay, crazy 2010, hear are your fast paced highlights:



* there was the trip home, 3000 miles away. i was feeling really grounded during that trip and homesick for my youth. you can see in the photos that i started the year 15pounds heavier than normal - weight i would soon lose when pregnancy made me sick as a dog.



* i'm certain, CERTAIN, that the universe knew i was going to need the extra pounds to get me through the three months where i could eat nothing but crackers. during those first three months, not only did i feel miserable, but i couldn't yet reveal here on the blog why i felt so miserable, so i just posted poor me posts, one after the next, until i could finally spill the beans. turns out, most of you suspected it, but it was sooo fun to FINALLY announce it. here's a post where i share the real truth of those first couple of months.

* there was the trip to the atlanta gift show where i was blown away by everything i learned about the gift industry. there was a big dream that was born during that trip that came true not so long ago. it's still top secret but i hope to share that dream with you soon! but it was soooo fun to see my work on giant billboard sized signs and in the display showrooms. really, really cool. such a fun trip. we partied, laughed, dined, and celebrated that whole trip.

* a couple of weeks later, i was in texas for a signing at that gift show. LOVED TEXAS!



* although my year got scooped up with moving, house renovations, ecourse, pregancy, and having a baby, i did manage to make some new artwork that i'm proud of. i missed the routine of creating this year while most of my supplies were in storage for so many months and am looking forward to finally getting my inspiration back onto the canvas in 2011.

* the online shop stayed busy with new products, including these, and these popular gals, and these cool blocks, and laptop skins, iphone skins, and more.


* we made a big decision to move back to portland, oregon. this would be our 4th move in four years. i'm happy to report we are never moving again.
* i decided to no longer play small.



* had some fantastic press (thank you!), including several articles in a few of my favorite magazines. it was a dream come true to have one of my pieces on the cover (the cover!!!) of somerset studios. it was also a dream come true to be ranked twice in giftbeat. so cool.

* traveled to california to teach a three day workshop in the santa cruz mountains with one of my bffs. during the opening ceremony, i told a packed auditorium of retreat participants that i was pregnant and it was sooooo fun to finally tell someone (they totally kept my secret).

* had an aha moment or two or three.



* wrote about how it doesn't always have to be about competition, but rather it could be about capacity and connection. i love this post.

* lots of celebrating: 11 yrs with john, finally feeling better when the baby bump arrived, uncontained joy from all the excitement of the year, the day we found out true would be a boy, the beautiful walls we unearthed during home renovation.

* i launched by first ever ecourse - was shocked at the response. was even more shocked at the amount of hard work (the hardest work of my life). and was even more shocked at how much i loved the experience.



* after the ecourse, i launched a series of ebooks. they've been received so well. my heart is delightedly happy because of it. the ecourse held so much juicy information, i was so glad to offer it inside ebooks - gorgeously designed and interactive ebooks at that!
* traveled to nyc with mati rose for the ny stationery and surtex show. awesome. seriously love nyc.




* had some amazing belly shots taken from some amazing photographer friends while also realizing that i have everything i could ever need to love our baby.
* experienced seriously silly delirium. and a moment of overwhelm (or two), but tried very hard to stay in the perspective that love is center.
* witnessed the sweetest birdie rally of all time.



* opened up a letter i wrote to myself a year prior and could not believe how just about everything i wrote to myself actually came true. it's a testament to the idea of putting the intention out there, doing the work, and letting it all unfold.

*we renovated a 1911 bungalow, all three levels, in 13 weeks. not kidding. it was craziness. process photos and stories here, here, here, with final results (room by room) here. this was the craziest thing we've ever done. ever. so glad it's over. won't ever renovate a house again, but at the same time we LOVE our home and it was well worth it in the end. but the stress, the stress (while very pregnant, while doing an intensely content driven ecourse, while living in a hotel = what the heck were we thinking?)!

* moved into our home about 8 weeks before baby was to arrive. i was huge, unable to lift anything, and running out of energy. my parents came and helped us unpack and decorate and do DIY projects to boot (here's one of the many)


* had an amazing time on the oregon coast with my lovebomb girlfriends.
* celebrated taking flight's two year anniversary
* made a quick and last minute decision to hire and train an amazing studio assistant (hello, dani!) before i had a baby. her last day of training was on a friday, and i went into labor the very next day. crazy, and very lucky timing.



* we welcomed baby true on oct 3rd.
*and then i was set free. and we made our way through, even through the hard of those first many weeks while also feeling the gifts. it was such a tender time.




* loved being * probably the most important journey of my entire year and adult life, i navigated the waters of unexpected trauma



* learned more than i ever thought possible about open hearts.
* felt more beautiful than ever before
* got inspired to decorate for christmas more than any other year
* began to awaken to myself again and start creating after having given birth.



2010, you were a year rich with lessons, with beauty, and with personal growth. before letting you go, i wanted to answer a couple of more questions that my friend andrea scher introduced me to:
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2010? (What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

i mostly want to acknowledge my own endurance to get through some of my life's most stressful transitions during a relatively short amount of time: moving out of state, purchasing and completing a major renovation of a home in 13 weeks, nurturing extreme creative business growth, a pregnancy that came with 16 solid weeks of severe sickness, working harder than ever before on business projects that i felt passionate about (ecourse, ebooks, licensing), and delivering a baby - an experience that broke me open to my own capacity. i want to acknowledge that none of this was exactly easy yet it brought a watershed of abundance mixed in with overwhelm and sheer joy. i want to acknowledge that more than ever i felt like i was crafting a life, laying down some roots and foundation for years to come, both personally and professionally.

i am so proud of navigating the year's intensity with honesty, tenderness, quiet courage, and heartbreaking steps toward keeping my heart open. never have i been more proud of my heart. i'm proud that john and i made some very bold choices toward the life we are creating together - even if those choices weren't easy or delicate or perfectly planned out. i'm proud that we celebrated every tiny joy along the way together. i'm mostly proud of our journey into parenthood. it hasn't been easy but it's been incredibly rewarding, life changing, heart changing in all the ways i could have never guessed. we are still in the beginning of this particular path, but i'm so proud of our togetherness, our commitment to be in this heart to heart. and i'm proud of myself for taking a break from creative biz - for trusting that this part of my life won't disappear as i adjust to new mamahood.



2. What is there to grieve about 2010? (What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

i forgive myself for over doing it. for over extending myself. for working too much, too long. for doing everything at the last minute (renovations, hiring an assistant, moving in, etc etc), just before having our first baby. i forgive myself for not being gentle enough with myself during those first critical weeks of motherhood, for being hard on myself during the most vulnerable time of my life. there is so much to grieve in 2010 - mostly the birth trauma but my heart is coming through that experience with an utmost appreciation for life's hurdles and how transformative our hard experiences can be. never have i felt love and terror all at once, in the same year, in the same day. so, i suppose the scariest parts of 2010 are the parts that i'm grieving - the extremes in experiences, in emotions.



3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? The next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2010 complete!" How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...

The only thing that i feel called to say about 2010 is thank you. thank you for teaching me just how tender and open my heart can be. thank you for teaching me about my capacity for strength, my family's strength. thank you for showing me that the smallest things still bring so much joy in the midst of absolute crazy chaotic days. thank you for showing me so clearly how dearly loved i am in my community and in my family. thank you for keeping me safe, for keeping my loved ones safe, and for breaking open my heart. you will always be defined as the year that i broke open.

you were not an easy year. but you were probably the most important year of my life. thank you for your abundance of truth and for the abundance of support that held all of my pieces together. i am blessed to have such dear people in my life, to walk toe to toe with them in this life's journey.

2010, i declare you complete! i'm letting you go...

2011, i declare you my year of gentleness and ease. gentleness and ease....got that?

New Sponsor Spotlights: Alexandra Saperstein, Nest Pretty Things + Andy Mathis

Today, I'd like to offer a warm welcome to my newest sponsors. There is so much goodness in their offerings. Please enjoy their spotlights! PS: If you are interested in becoming a sponsor (includes your ad on the sidebar + ongoing spotlights), please send me an email for further information!
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For many people, there is a real gap between the life/relationships/body we hope and envision for ourselves, and the ones we actually wake up to each morning. For nearly a decade, I've worked with adults individually and with couples to radically change course and close that often elusive gap between their deepest goals and their daily reality. As a Licensed Professional Counselor/ Marriage and Family Therapist in Portland, Oregon, I aim to generate deep and lasting changes in a significantly shorter period than traditional counseling often provides. You can find me at my private practice website at www.alexandrasaperstein.com.
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Nest Pretty Things specializes in handmade accessories and jewelry for woman and children. My name is Tamar , after graduating from Parsons School of Design in NYC , I worked for many years in Women magazines as a Style Editor and Photo Stylist. Five years ago our family of five moved away from the big city to a small village in the beautiful country side in Vermont, here we are now fulfilling our life long dream of living in the country and having our own home business, no more rush hours, no more traffic, just fresh air and lots and lots of inspiration! For the past 4 years I've been designing a line of fun and colorful accessories for women and children and I love every minute of it!

author's note: kelly rae here. i wanted to add that i receive so many emails asking where i get the necklaces that i'm frequently wearing in the photos throughout this blog. i'm pleased to say that they all come from Nest Pretty Things. i became a fan after a friend gifted me a necklace earlier this year for mother's day. i've been hooked ever since - love, love her creations and can't recommend them enough. i've got three necklaces, earrings, and hair clips, too!

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For a creative business, it can be challenging trying to find time for the creative side while balancing out the promotional side. It's easy to lose one's way. But there are ways to minimize the time needed on the promotional aspects by streamlining them. Even finding ways to passively promote one's business. This 6 week workshop does just that- leaving more time to create. Starts February 1st.
And as a special gift for KRR readers, I'll gift someone with the class if they leave a comment on the blog at more information page. Tell me you saw this spotlight at on KRR blog, and tell me what issues you are stuggling with in the comments. I'll randomly select someone on January 15th.

your heart will never be alone

i'm working on a 2010 recap over here. it's a tradition i do every year, one that i love, love, love. if you're interested in my journey these last four years, head on over to these recaps while i finish 2010:
2006
2007
2008
2009

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

i also wanted to say thank you to all of you who held my last post with utmost tenderness. i received so many letters of kindness - thank you. i was a little bit afraid to publish that post, but i've learned that doing the things i'm most afraid of offer so much expansion to my spirit and connection with others. and the leaps heal, they always, always do.



one of the letters i received was from a dear dear woman who suggested that the "huge earth shattering challenges in life are the ones that add another hue to our personal rainbows. I am drawn to peeps who have enormous arcs of color floating over their brave heads." i haven't been able to get this vision out of my mind - how our life's experiences add color to our rainbows, how we're all walking around with colorful arcs above our brave heads. awesome. there is so much wisdom in our community - so grateful to be a part of it.

she also sent over this poem by jennifer wellwood, and i had to share it. it's perfect in every way.

Unconditional
Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me,

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who has made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game.

To play it is purest delight;

To honor its form--true devotion.

sending gratitude out over the internet wires today,
xo
kelly rae

here's the long version of how trauma broke me open, devastated me, and now how it's healing

i wrote the following post in pieces throughout these past many weeks. now that i'm coming through the other side of this struggle and feeling stronger, i wanted to share these words. it's very personal, but as katherine says from yesterday's post, you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs. this is my being brave during the most tender, vulnerable time of my life.



for a few days i'll think i'm doing just great, that i've got this thing sort of figured out, that i'm feeling more like myself. and then the next day i'm feeling sorry for myself, isolated, and frustrated. the ebb and flow of this new motherhood journey has strong strong tides and it seems i'm along for the ride, never knowing when i'll come up for air, or when i'll go back under.

i know i need to get out of myself, to get out into the world more, to reach out to my friends more. but i'm caught in the between spaces of being too exhausted, too emotionally tired, too needy to take action on anything. yet then i have days where i'm energetic and chatty and social. again, i'm along for the ride, recognizing that all i can do is be gentle with myself. i remind myself that this is the biggest, most difficult transition of my entire life, the most significant i'll ever have. i know it all takes time. i find comfort in the stories of my friends who tell me this is all a part of it, that our hearts and our lives undergo major reconstruction with our first births, that it will take awhile to rebuild a life and a self that feels familiar. i trust their wisdom and i wait. i wait.

i will say that through it all i'm fiercely blissed out with True. when he's up, i want to be around him. when he's asleep, i can't wait for him to wake up. when john offers to be primary caregiver for a few hours, i struggle (hard) with taking him up on the offer. i'm having a hard time imagining someone else (childcare/nanny) soothing him, putting him down for his naps and so on. i know this piece in inevitable + my heart sinks because of it. before he was born, i was told that we might not bond immediately, that it may take awhile to feel attached, and so i prepared myself for that possibility. but it never happened - i was attached the second i met him. he is a total angel.



i was cruising the internet wires the other day and stumbled upon a woman's blissed out birthing experience. it sent me, all over again, to my knees. i'm not sure i will ever share my full birth experience here but i will share these pieces:

i labored at home starting at 8:30pm until i arrived at the hospital the next morning at 3am, 7cm dilated. my midwife (who i felt very very connected to) was on her way to the hospital to deliver baby true when she got into a car accident (she's okay). her replacement was sent to deliver our baby. later i would consider how odd it felt to be a victim, a consequence of fate - i would wonder if my birth story would have unfolded more beautifully had i had her and not her replacement deliver our baby. after arriving at the hospital, i labored (unmediated) for another nine hours. and then another seven hours (medicated) before baby true was finally born via c-section at 7:30pm. the last minutes of those 23 hours are what i'm choosing to focus on - when i see True for the first time, when i see john as an ecstatic papa jumping all over the operating room with glee, when my heart nearly explodes, when i know that i had just surrendered to something so worthy of surrendering to. the c-section was a welcomed acceptance for me but the previous 16 hours at the hospital (not the 7 hours of labor at home) held moments of physical, emotional, dissociative trauma that left me suffering from symptoms of ptsd for weeks and weeks. i am working my way through it and it's a battle that i suspect will come and go. i have good support, good resources, and a baby boy whose very presence makes me want to gather up all the morsels of this story and reframe it into nothing less than love held deep and wide.

before birthing True, i never really considered how deeply meaningful our birth stories are. i think i thought that babies were born and that's that and what a beautiful thing. even in all my birth preparations, i wasn't fully connected to how my baby's birth would forever leave an imprint onto my life. i just figured that as long as he was born okay, then that was the only thing that mattered - that even if the birth was horrible, that it would still be just fine if we were all healthy in the end. i suppose the universe had to convince me just how wrong i was by giving me a situation that would break me open to just how important and impactful our birth stories are. in fact, never have i been so affected by an event in my life. ever. and like most of us, i've had my fair share of sad stories that have had their strong, life altering impact.



there are the gremlins that are constantly shouting: you should just be grateful. you're healthy, he's healthy, and in the end what else matters? but i'm reminded of my own truth: to embrace my vulnerabilities and every single piece of this story, otherwise, i'm just pretending that i'm unaffected. and i am definitely not unaffected. i really believe in telling our stories, that they all matter, that we are connected inside the woven intricacies of our collected threads. never have i felt this truth so fully before. and so i honor the truth of this particular story, even with the gremlins telling me i should just be quiet and be grateful.

as i continued to sort through the birth experience, i kept wondering what to do with all the broken pieces. usually, when faced up against a struggle, i can find a sort of thread, a sort of woven link that helps me connect the broken pieces together with some clarity- whatever that thread is, it becomes my anchor to pulling myself through the experience - the oh, this is what this is about, this is what i'm supposed to learn, this is why this is coming up for me. but in this instance, i couldn't find the thread. i tried very very hard, but i could not figure out what this was about for me, why i was so broken over his birth, why i continued to suffer, why i felt so much guilt. i wondered what purpose my physical/emotional birth trauma served, why it lingered via ptsd symptoms, and i became very angry as i faced heart-wrenching decisions as a direct result of my emotional recovery and ptsd fall out. for those first many many weeks, as you can imagine, i was feeling totally unmoored without any anchor to make sense of it all. i had zero clarity.

and so i just did the best i could. i loved true with all my heart. i talked to him all the time, i told him we'd get through it together, i soothed him, i soothed myself. i asked for a lot of support. i stepped away. i got weekly massages. i found strength in following my new mama instincts. i took a ton of bubble baths. i cried a lot. i leaned on my family and on john more than ever before. i watched reality television. i read pieces of books. i put on dresses. i wrote snippets here and there. i had hopeful days, sometimes several in a row. i celebrated true's sleeping and pooping and smiling. i took a ton of videos and photos. i processed with friends. i sent SOS emails and voicemails. i visited with my midwife. i told the full birth story over and over. i cried more than i ever thought possible. i waited. i waited and i waited.



and then one day i had an aha moment. a big one. and just like that, all of my brokenness around my birth story began to make sense. never before have i been so ready for an aha moment. it was a gift, a huge healer for me during a most profound time of pain and love (how oddly they coexist).

the aha moment goes something like this: for most of my adult life, i've stood very tall. i'm fearless when it comes to many things even if i know struggle and stress are a part of the equation. why? because i trust my strength, know that my vulnerabilities make me stronger, and i'm always up for an adventure that will broaden my life's experiences. i'm an expert problem solver and task master, super resourceful, and i'm can turn most negative experiences into something valuable while also still honoring my own tenderness. i really do see light and possibility and love everywhere, even in the murkiest and most desperate of circumstances. but most importantly, through all life's stress, sadness, chaos and activity, i've been very very skilled at Holding It All Together. like so many of us do, it's a skill i perfected throughout my life when everything else was falling apart around me. i'm just figuring out now (thank you, aha moment) that it's been a skill i've held onto even when nothing was falling apart around me, even when there was no reason to protect myself anymore, even when it no longer served me and held me back emotionally. i suppose it just became a habit. and before i knew it, my inner perfectionista came out and led the whole Holding It All Together campaign for many many years.

my aha moment gave me this clarity: because i was so busy Holding It All Together prior to his birth, i was a hard nut to crack. although i was sensitive, compassionate, aware, hopeful, vulnerable, i was measured in those emotions and extremely productive, never really and totally allowing myself to crack open, to give in, to let go, to rest. it was going to take something huge, something stronger than me and my willpower, something devastating to break me. and so it was. enter physical/emotional birth trauma, and i broke.



the heartbreaking lesson that i've learned these last many weeks is that sometimes we have to break (or surrender) to the things we most resist in order to receive what our hearts most need. for me, i most resisted letting go of Holding It All Together. but when i surrendered it, i received a huge wash of love and healing that my life most needed, that my heart was waiting for. the trauma of my birth experience and the fallout over the many weeks following that experience couldn't be stitched together with my usual coping tools. i could no longer hold it together or navigate my way to prettier, more evolved and profound waters. most importantly, i couldn't intellualize or analyze my way out of it. i had to feel my way out of it. this experience forced me to give up in a way i've never had to do, to surrender, to let it all go, and simply fall apart - something i've resisted my whole life. and so i was lost. and so i was broken. and it was the hardest, most heartbreaking experience of my life, all while trying to be a new mama, while nurturing the most precious little love in my totally new life, while resting side by side with new love.

it turns out that breaking open meant a rushing in of all sorts of un-measured, un held back emotions: love, terror, old wounds, old pains, new pain, tenderness between two hearts, moments i've waited years to experience, love waiting for me to finally say yes. my aha moment was realizing that my heart knew this was the only way, the only experience that would open me up. it knew that if i had had a relatively routine birth that i'd still be Holding It All Together and measured in my love for True, that i'd still be a little bit aloof, a little bit closed. it knew that this was the only circumstance, however traumatic and painful, that would get me, that would bring to my knees, that would force me to surrender. with the surrendering came love like never before, healing, and rebirth, and a whole new way of operating and seeing and doing and being. none of these things would be possible without the surrendering. and the surrendering would not be possible without that exact birth experience. call it magic, god, love, spirit. whatever it is, it knows what's it's doing and it's teachings are profound and lasting.


(photo by tracey clark, script by ali edwards)

what i'm learning is the most beautiful thing of all: all of that brokenness and surrender leads to repair - not just healing the birth trauma wounds but all the cracks and wounds that have anything and everything to do with how i see myself as a mother, as a child, as a baby who once needed love, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend. all the love and all the healing that have come rushing in the cracks of my brokeness are huge, beyond measure, and have widened my heart and taken up permanent residence. i feel new. and raw. but seen and deeply, profoundly loved.

the reason i'm sharing this story is because we all have something that we're resisting. maybe it's true love, or self acceptance, or real healing, or real grief that we've avoided for years and years. we all have traumatic experiences that we work hard to make sense of. i'm learning that perhaps those experiences are the absolute only and exact experiences that have the capacity to open our hearts when what we most want to do is close them. perhaps those experiences, however confusing and hurtful hold wisdom inside their broken pieces. perhaps they are the only experiences that could ever really show us our real selves and provide real healing and real connection to the people in our lives who love us. perhaps we wouldn't be blessed with all that we have and know and see without them happening exactly as they did. there are so many layers....so many.

i'm still working (feeling) my way through all of this. twelve weeks later, i'm still a newbie in this new cracked open world, but i can still feel all the light rushing in, and hopefully always. i wish the same for you. i really, really do.

they know who we were in our tenderest moments...

you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs. - katherine center


i've got two more guest posts to round out the end of my maternity leave this week. today's post comes from author and friend katherine center. i met katherine a couple of years ago through mutual friends who just gushed and gushed about her personality, her warmth, and her amazing novels. after meeting her, it thought she was so crushable - so warm, down to earth, the best mom, super talented, and up for adventure.

katherine has a way of sneaking in profound moments of pause into her stories which are the best surprises ever. her stories weave in poetic sentences so that i'm constantly jotting down that phrase or pondering that sentence or laughing at that memory she unearthed. i love this dear letter from her and i can sense the longing, the truth of her words so beautifully on the surface of my own heart. photos and words by katherine :)

ps: i also wanted to share this video that she made. before i had baby true, this video made me jump for joy. now that i'm a mom, it reaches my heart even more. you will love it.





Dear Kelly Rae,

I've been collecting baby blankets for you from around my house. Ones I couldn't bear to give away once my babies were too big to need them—but ones we can't use anymore because my children have become, of all things, too big.

When True is older, you will not want to give away any of his baby things. Even as they fill up your storage tubs. You will save them as keepsakes, as tactile reminders of the baby that used to fill your arms every waking second. They will feel as precious to you as that soft skin itself.
But they will add up. Zero-to-3 months will blur into 12-18, and before you know it, little newborn onesies that used to dwarf him will look like doll clothes. And they take up too much room to just keep them for fun.

And so, my stack of blankets for you.

Every time I add to it, I think about what the note I'll put in the package will say. I compose it in my head, and then life pulls me back to something more urgent until the next time I find one stuffed in the back of the PJ drawer or under the bed.

Each note is a little different. But they all say the same thing.

They say: Here is a little piece of us. The baby boy who gazed up with the deepest amber eyes, and the mama who was absolutely besieged by sleep deprivation and worry and joy and love. There were times I was so tired, or frightened, or frustrated, I didn't think I'd make it to the next hour. And, of course, you can't even imagine the magnitude of love you'll feel before your baby comes to you. It absolutely flattens you. It humbles, and destroys, and rips you into a million pieces.

That's why baby things become so precious. They know who we were in our tenderest moments.
When you finally put yourself back together, your baby won't be a baby anymore. And you won't be the person you remember. You will have become someone else—someone greater than yourself. Someone wiser, nobler, and infinitely more brave.

And after that happens, even as good as it is, every now and then you will wish like anything that you could bundle up the little person who started it all, and whisper over and over words that won't mean anything to him until some distant future when he himself arrives in your same shoes: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.