Judith Iris Quate's Blog, page 7

POEM – I CANNOT CRY

I wrote this poem after a few months in therapy. I am learning so much about myself and how amazing our inner souls react to years of stress and challenges. This poem expresses what I have learned so far and why I have felt I was living outside of my body for many years.

I CANNOT CRY

I cannot feel sadness;

I cannot cry.

The tears are not there;

dear God, please tell me why.

I had a very challenging life

which caused me to be withdrawn.

Dear God, is this why I cannot cry

because the tears are all gone.

I want to feel emotion after many years of not,

how can I let go of all my anger

dear God, if my heartache will not stop.

God answered me in my dreams;

he said my dear you need to let go

Of all the pain within.

He said if I do not let go,

a new happy life will not begin.

I believe God supported me through the years.

I do not believe he is the cause of my lack of tears.

I believe he helped me through the pain

and taught me to be strong for which I gained.

I must reach out to him once more

to help me let go of my painful years

and guide me one more time

to help me bring back my tears.

Judith Iris Quate

ANGER – HOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT- HOW TO MANAGE IT

How completely blessed I am to have found someone who has the ability to help me find my way back after many years of uncertainty. It was during our session yesterday when she helped me acknowledge, since 2006, after my son passed away, the deep anger I have so expertly hidden from the world and myself.

I have been channeling my anger in ways that were not mentally healthy and has created a tremendous strain in my life with my husband and son. The mind is a very complicated organ that can store details of life experiences that one cannot deal with. It cannot store it forever, it overflows and spills, exhibiting physical symptoms such as anxiety disorders.

She helps me realize the source of my anger. She encourages me to open up and acknowledge them and then find a way to deal with the anger issues. This is the only way I will heal. I need to turn my anger in a positive form so I can achieve peace within my heart and soul.

I know the only way to accomplish this for me is to pay it forward. The first step I took was writing my book, Our Special Child, Jason’s Story. In the book I spilled out my soul with every word. My emotions were real and in this book was the first time I expressed my feelings of anger and quickly tucked them away again because they hurt too much.

NOTE: Our Special Child, Jason’s Story is available to purchase on my website at http://www.scrapperjudedesigns.com.

I need to express them here in order to confront them and set up a plan to deal with them. I am angry about the lack of support I received when Jason was discharged after four months in the NICU unit. I am angry that Jason was abused at a respite center treating him like he wasn’t a real person, just another “physically/”retarded”child who deserved it; and getting away with their actions. I am angry at the misguided laws in 1986 where the only choice we had to secure excellent medical care was to agree to move our child, at the age of eight, away from his family.

I don’t know what changes have been made since 1986 but I promise you I will find out. I am now an advocate and I’m starting with the state of Pennsylvania traveling to our state capital next week. I am working with the Skills of Central Pa, the organization who provided the care for my son for twenty years.

Yes I am channeling my anger in a positive way so the appropriate changes are made.

Hugs Jude

Jason – A Poem

I have been inspired. I challenged myself to write a poem. I hope you like my first attempt in poetry.

I am always willing to challenge myself; try something new. If you are inspired by something, go for it. If you like the results and you are proud of your accomplishment, then you succeeded in your goal and it doesn’t matter what others think

A child is born

so tiny and frail,

his little body

is no bigger than a snail.

He is born premature,

needing a tube to breath;

because his lungs are

unable to be free.

Because of his strong fragility,

a blood vessel burst,

his future is now in the hands

of an uncontrolled curse.

This little baby grew to become

a young boy with many frailties.

It soon becomes quite apparent

he will live his life with disabilities.

This did not stop him from becoming

a young man with a beautiful smile

that lights up a room

you can see for many miles.

This young boy grows to manhood

full of spirit and hope.

The many people who are honored to know him,

learn a valuable lesson in how to cope.

One day this gentle soul of a young man

whose smile can no longer hide his pain.

Understanding his life will soon end

because God has a new plan.

His days on earth are over but do not be upset,

God has taken him under his wing

teaching him a rewarding job that will be his next quest.

He now serves as a guardian angel

who watches over his loving family.

He has a more important mission that promises to be,

a job that will fulfill everyone’s life so important indeed.

Hugs

Jude

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

The most important value I can share is to never let anyone make you feel inferior. Always believe in your strengths, values and most importantly, yourself. Never let anyone take this away from you. You have the right to be you in the way you express yourself, dress, and what you feel in your heart and soul.

If you are in a relationship where you are under someone’s influence where you are unable to reach out to your family or friends, you are being controlled. This person is trying to own you, control your every moment and your ability to choose what you wear and how you look. He/she controls you financially where you are given a small allowance for your daily needs. This is mental, emotional and financial abuse.

This is not a normal relationship. You have the right to make your own decisions for yourself. You have the power to be a woman with your own desires, beliefs, make your own decisions and be free to be who you are as a powerful human being with freedom to choose for yourself.

If you are experiencing anything I expressed above, I implore you to seek help. Google abuse on the Internet and find a local center to call. Seek help through your clergy or family doctor.

There are organization’s right at your finger tips ready to take your call and support you. Don’t be afraid. Reach out for help, it will change your life.

Hugs

Jude

Marathon

It was an unusually cold morning in February, 2000. We were asked to gather at a pre assigned spot in order to receive our numbered tags. I arrived earlier to register and get my tag so I can be up front. My body was shivering from head to toe from the unexpected cold; more likely from excitement and some nerves. However, it was cold at 5 am in Orlando, Florida. I had a light sweater on over my workout pants and tank top which one would wear for a marathon in Florida.

Five months earlier I received a letter from the Leukemia-Lymphoma society advertising an opportunity to train to walk or run in either a full or half marathon. It caught my attention. My mom suffered the affects of treatment for leukemia and passed away in 1986. The letter offered four different cities we can choose from, including Dublin, Ireland. I chose Walt Disney World for two reasons, one, I only needed to raise 2,300.00 and two, they offered a walking half marathon. Since I was 50 years old and never participated in a marathon before, this was the best choice.

The training sessions were every weekend for four months either at the Valley Forge Historical Park and the Art Museum venues, alternating the venue each weekend. We were asked to walk 1-2 miles at first and increase our miles as we got closer to our race date. I loved the training. I would place my earbuds in my ears and listen to a carefully selected playlist to inspire me to walk fast. Unfortunately, as much as I tried, I was unable to walk faster than a 20 minute mile.

At our last meeting before the race. we were asked to hand in our money we raised. Raising the money from co-workers, friends and family who knew and loved my mother, was heartwarming and knowing these people believed in my cause in my mom’s memory. I left the meeting with one concern. If I fell behind the crowd and wasn’t close to the finish line at a scheduled time, the park will pick up the stragglers with an open trailer. My goal was to reach the finish line. Knowing I am a slow walker, this was on my mind and I didn’t want to be humiliated.

The race began and I started walking with hundreds of other people who began to pass me. Okay, I will not worry, just listen to my inspirational music and walk.

I entered Animal Kingdom and enjoyed the scenery as I walked past. I reached the 5 mile marker and still felt strong. In the distance I could see the globe at the entrance to Epcot and knew if I focused on it, I will keep on walking. I passed the 10 mile marker when I entered the Magical Kingdom and was greeted by Donald Duck and Mickey. I was very tired at this point, my feet were sore, hands numb but I thought about my mom; she was with me giving me the strength I needed to complete the course. I was not going to disappoint her now.

I can see the end up above and was startled when I heard “YOU GO MOM.” It was my son giving me the encouragement I needed to walk to and pass the finish line. The Donald Duck metal was placed around my neck along with a special wrap to protect my body. I found my son and husband who hugged me with excitement. I looked behind me and there were still many more walkers. I didn’t need the flat truck after all!!!

I now understand the pain my mom endured and I was in peace with her death. I will always cherish this memory.

Hugs

Jude

A Heartwarming Story

I saw this story on Facebook and wanted to share it here for all of my friends to read.

http://thedailyheadline.com/mother-keeps-a-life-changing-secret-from-her-son-for-years-he-was-shocked-when-he-saw-this/

COMMUNICATION

One of the major problems we have in our world today is the way we communicate. We either communicate too much or inaccurately; directly related to television, radio, internet, newspapers and magazines. The media exaggerates a story or misinterprets a situation creating a rise in misunderstood panic amongst groups of people the story is related to. It basically creates a mountain out of a molehill. This is communication overload.

A lack of communication between spouses, friends, siblings and co-workers leads to misunderstood intentions. Not sharing one’s feelings will create mistrust and misinterpreting a situation or occurrence. This is what non communication creates.

Years ago while I was visiting my son Jason in his classroom, his teacher observed our interaction. She approached offering to show me how to communicate better with him. She explained I wasn’t talking to him; rather I was talking around him, as if he still was an infant. She placed a chair directly in front of Jason and asked me to sit down. She told me to look directly in his eyes and asked me what I saw. I saw a sparkle, a sense of awareness and non-communication using facial expression. I asked him if he was okay and he responded with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and immediately the twinkle was gone and he lowered his lips in a pout which I interpreted as no, don’t leave mom. I looked up at his teacher with astonishment. For the first time Jason and I were communicating. We hugged with the joy of accomplishment. This learned experience allowed Jason and I to have a special connection which lasted until the day he died. This is communication in the most profound form.

Hugs

Jude

THE POWER OF THE MIND

For many years I felt like I was living outside of my body. I remember when this strange phenomenon began; immediately after my twin boys were delivered by an emergency C-section two months early. I was listening to the hustle and bustle of all the doctors and nurses around me intubating both boys and rushing them to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I didn’t hear them cry! Why were they not crying??

It is possible I created this personality after my second miscarriage and the seven months I carried my twins. I remember I didn’t believe in my soul I was pregnant because of the miscarriages and all the treatments I endured to create a pregnancy with fertility treatments. I didn’t want to feel anymore, it hurt too much. It was easier to create a stronger me to deal with the pain.

This is when the other person who shared my soul emerged who was stronger, fearless, emotion free and capable of making important decisions to advocate for my boys’ rights and a powerhouse who could stand up to the professionals. The person before was incapable of facing the life challenges ahead.

This was the defense mechanism I needed to create. I watched myself speak firmly to the doctors, make unbelievable and devastating decisions, watching my sister deal with her own issues, watching my mother deteriorate with the devastating effects of leukemia, and finally sitting by my son’s bedside for a month before he passed in 2006.

Presently, my inner soul is trying to heal with the help of a therapist who is slowly peeling away the cobwebs I allowed to form for 44 years. As I slowly search for the person I was before my life took a drastic left turn, it hurts. I developed an anxiety disorder, I feel sad and do not understand why and I want to sit and cry for hours and can’t.

My therapist asked me to be patient. I developed this defense mechanism many years ago and it will take time to work through it. Is this what post traumatic stress is; Yes it is and thank God I am getting help.

Dear friends…..if you can relate to this story, please seek help. Our mind is a powerful phenomenon and so intricately fragile. If you feel the symptoms I described I implore you to seek help from a therapist, I promise you it will change your life.

Hugs

Jude

DEALING WITH FEAR

Fear is an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears we can move forward, stronger and wiser within ourselves.

Can you relate to the above quote? Do you live with fear that cripples your potential for success? Are your fears keeping you from reaching your dreams and goals?

If you live with fear, you need to read my story. Fear could have paralyzed me if I allowed it, but I didn’t, and still won’t let it get in the way of my dreams and goals.

I had a very happy family life. I had good friends through elementary school. We parted ways when we entered junior high. It was during this time when I started to feel insecure and developed a low self esteem leading to my shyness. This may have been the beginning of my feelings of low self esteem and insecurity because I loved having friends and suddenly they were gone.

One might say I was afraid of my own shadow. Maybe I am exaggerating just a little but I remember being very shy and had difficulty maintaining a lasting friendship because I feared competition. (This most likely was related to my earlier experience as stated above.) I was more comfortable with one good friend. There was always one girl who would attempt to get between my friend and I which made me feel inferior, and I would walk away rather than face the fear of competition

Having a low self esteem and a lack of confidence certainly enhanced my fears. After high school my mother tried to help me and encouraged me to attend a USO group during the Vietnam War. She believed it would improve my socialization. This worked. I learned how to interact with men, I met life time friends and it was the start of turning me into the woman I am today.

In 1979, I was hit head on facing the fear of giving birth to twin boys two months premature. My greatest fears were challenged because two tiny babies were depending on me.

It is now 2016, my one son is married with two wonderful children. Jason, however, was not as successful. He was diagnosed early in his life with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy and passed away in 2006 at the young age of 28.

Through the years I began to believe GOD chose me to be Jason’s mother. He saw something in me I didn’t know existed, a very determined, strong woman. I became a fireball, seeking the best care, advocating for his needs relentlessly in my duties, and didn’t take no for an answer.

Currently I am facing the fears I thought I let go of many years ago. I suppose they will always be part of my personality and I must fight through them in order to accomplish my goals and dreams of being a public speaker and parent advocate.

I am addressing you out there who are facing fears. You need to read my story so you can face your fears and become the fireball I was. I am pushing through my inner fears again to teach and support parents of special needs children. I wrote Jason’s memoir, Our Special Child Jason’s Story, (available at http://www.scrapperjudedesigns.com). I wrote this book for you to give you support and give you the comfort you are not alone.

If you are a young parent, feeling helpless, frustrated, fearful and lost please contact me. I want to guide you through your fear.

If you are facing any kind of personal fears, please fight through them. You will be surprised of what you can accomplish.

Hugs

Jude

MY THOUGHTS ON DEATH

WRITING PROMPT

If I find out I was going to die in five years, how would I find out and what would I do in my last five years?

I am in the last stage of my life now that I turned 65 last August. I officially graduated to senior standards the day I received my Medicare card in the mail. For practical and according to our countries standards, I’m basically an old fart. However, for my standards, I reached the best years’ of my life. I walk three miles a week, work 12 hours a week and I’m having a blast, doing what I choose to do when I want to. I am as busy as I was raising twin toddlers, one who had special needs. According to my doctor at my last check up, I’m extremely healthy. Having to think about death doesn’t scare me. I see it as part of the life cycle. When it’s my time, God will know.

Possibly God will visit me in my dreams and will whisper, oh so gently, “Jude I am coming for you to take you to your loved ones in five years.”

I would certainly appreciate the heads up and will make each day, every hour and each minute and second count. I will dedicate the remaining days of my life watching my grandchildren excel and prosper in their individual dreams and goals. I will mend my fractured soul and search for continued happiness within myself and my loved ones. I want to experience signs of peace in our world with the hope the violence will begin to mend.

I will work on paying it forward by mentoring, guiding, teaching and supporting families with special needs children.

Dear God:

I sincerely ask you wait at least twenty more years to send me your message because I still haven’t finished the work you asked of me when you gave me Jason.

Thank you for your consideration of this request

Hugs

Jude