David Vienna's Blog, page 207
October 17, 2015
I'm a twin, and the parent of an only child. I don't want to broadside you with "What's it like raising twins?" But I am curious. How hard was the baby stage? Is it really easier when they become a self-contained entertainment unit, or do Twin Bro and I ha
I’ve been in a terrible car accident, been through an acrimonious divorce, worked for non-profits—really tough shit—and the baby stage of raising twins was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ever.
And I won’t say it got easier when they got older, because there are always new parenting challenges that pop up, but the fact that they can go off and play by themselves is a huge bonus for us.
I hope my boys are happy, healthy, and their first album goes triple-platinum.
I'm a twin, and the parent of an only child. I don't want to broadside you with "What's it like raising twins?" But I am curious. How hard was the baby stage? Is it really easier when they become a self-contained entertainment unit, or do Twin Bro and I ha
I’ve been in a terrible car accident, been through an acrimonious divorce, worked for non-profits—really tough shit—and the baby stage of raising twins was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ever.
And I won’t say it got easier when they got older, because there are always new parenting challenges that pop up, but the fact that they can go off and play by themselves is a huge bonus for us.
I hope my boys are happy, healthy, and their first album goes triple-platinum.
I'm a twin, and the parent of an only child. I don't want to broadside you with "What's it like raising twins?" But I am curious. How hard was the baby stage? Is it really easier when they become a self-contained entertainment unit, or do Twin Bro and I ha
I’ve been in a terrible car accident, been through an acrimonious divorce, worked for non-profits—really tough shit—and the baby stage of raising twins was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ever.
And I won’t say it got easier when they got older, because there are always new parenting challenges that pop up, but the fact that they can go off and play by themselves is a huge bonus for us.
I hope my boys are happy, healthy, and their first album goes triple-platinum.
Who are the 10 most awesome dads of all time?
In no particular order:
Abraham Lincoln
Eddard Stark
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Philip Banks
Benedict Cumberbatch
Phil Dunphy
@thedaddycomplex
George Jefferson
George Jetson
Teddy Roosevelt
The boys went to a birthday party recently and the closing party...
The boys went to a birthday party recently and the closing party favors included a live goldfish. So, we have two goldfish now. As Charlie of @how2beadad put it: It’s like they said, “Here’s a pet. Deal with it.” Oh, well. At least they aren’t cats.
October 16, 2015
Dear Non-Millennials:
Stop telling Millennials how to adult.
And if you write a supposedly humorous column telling Millennials how to adult and there’s a backlash, don’t double-down.
Instead, maybe consider the possibility that the “out-of-touch, old fogey” angle just isn’t funny. Or that you’re not as funny as you think.
You know what would have been ground-breaking, Chris Erskine? A column about what you, an old fuck, learned from Millennials about how you can improve your life. Because they have a lot more to offer than a cliché unfunny perspective on a topic no one but you cares about.
Sincerely,
An Old Fuck Who Learns From Every Generation
October 14, 2015
October 13, 2015
Hey, you.Yes, you.I’m speaking to the dads of the Internet…...
Hey, you.
Yes, you.
I’m speaking to the dads of the Internet… well, I mean dads on the Internet, not Al Gore.
You, dads on the Internet, are being lied to. And you’re being lied to by dads on the Internet. Not all of them, but some. And some moms, as well. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked, even though I technically just asked.
Some dads (and moms) on the Internet would have you believe that we’re all just as capable of parenting as moms in every respect. They post photos and articles that show them being all smiley and flawless with smiley and flawless kids. “Oh, what an amazing, joyous, talented little family we are. I’ve never had a sports injury, I smell like potpourri and, though they’re still in grade school, both of my kids have already been accepted to Yale.”
Bullshit.
You can’t do everything right all the time. There are some things your partner might be better at than you. Personally, I can say my wife is much more patient and efficient than me when it comes to:
Dealing with a whiny kidCleaning up bodily messes
Explaining a movie while we’re watching the movie
Getting the kids to sit at the table for dinner
Dealing with another whiny kid
Not sleeping
The converse of that, however, is there are some things I’m better at, such as:
Building Hot Wheels tracksEncouraging my kids to try that “epic stunt”
Fixing whatever was broken during the epic stuntEating
Teaching them how to burp
And listen, you single dads (and moms), you’re allowed to be bad at stuff, too. Don’t let Christian conservatives or the Big Parenting Blogger Industry fool you. Despite what Pinterest would have you believe, no parent is perfect.
You know who is perfect? Superman. He’s also the most fucking boring superhero ever. Why? Because he’s perfect. He always saves the day, he has no weaknesses (has kryptonite ever really stopped him?), his hair looks all coifed and rad all the time. You invite him to a party, he brings a fucking killer bottle of wine and then doesn’t drink any.
Boring sonuvabitch! GTFO, Superman! And take your goddamn hipster glasses with you. We all know you’re Clark Kent, jackass.
So, in conclusion—they’re lying, perfection doesn’t exist for parents, stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard, Superman is a douche-nozzle.
The end.
Our dog doesn’t even have a job.
Our dog doesn’t even have a job.
