Evil Editor's Blog, page 69

New Beginning 1051

Guard Tali Adilrein crept through the warehouse, searching. Would a child who'd snuck in climb the towering bales of wool to look out through the high iron lattice? A normal human wouldn't detect the rancid scent of ancient enchantments in the metal, not with the reek of camphor. Would they notice the dead moths around the bars? If the child touched the lattice, could they be too hurt to call for help?

Gulls cried from the harbor in the distance. Faint scuffs tapped the bale above where a cat prowled along the edge of a spider web. A cat could sound like a young child, too young to be the one Tali'd heard. She crept onwards. The measured tread of the duty guard paced the floor. Thuds punctuated the voices of laborers stacking bales onto carts. A child whimpered with fear, beyond the outer wall? Roughly northeast.

Tali jogged back to the guardroom. She ducked through the curtain over the entrance.

Mirran said, "Find someone?" He looked up from wiping the table.

"They're outside," said Tali, striding to the door.

Tali hated this time of year. Children, always children, sneaking in, climbing in. She'd find them later, torn apart by the guardians or trapped in the gargoyle pens. Why did they insist on breaking into Santa's warehouse to see if they'd been naughty or nice?


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: khazar-khum

Feedback Request

Dear EE,

I can't seem to get it that if I'm not clear readers will make up stuff. It seems the query is a trade off between brevity and clarity. Or maybe I just haven't found the sweet spot yet. Hinting doesn't work that's for sure. So I've taken another crack at it. It's longer. It feels a bit "stuffed" to me but it's closer to the story. I really really appreciate the feedback.


Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth is now a mailman. One day, while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape her captor—but warns against calling the police. When he returns at night to discover the girl being abused he breaks in and stun-guns the man. The girl, Alita, tells Hayworth her captor is a boss in an international sex trafficking ring, and ranking police officers are his clients. While Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.

Later, Hayworth and Alita are in his pickup, racing out of San Diego for Tucson, where the girl’s family is visiting from San Salvador—according to a questionable source. Also in the pickup is a list of names and numbers of ring leaders and their clients. Hunting the two with police technology are corrupt cops, trafficking thugs, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman.

While on the run, Hayworth gets the trafficking info to an attorney friend, who implores him to come in. Hayworth is torn between his commitment to Alita—who is illegal and wishes to see her family before confronting authorities—and his premonition it won’t be the family waiting in Tucson, just the mad dogs.


Notes

You've added some good specifics--use of police technology to track them, the attorney vs Alita conflict. Let's look at the differences between your first paragraph and the version I suggested in the earlier post, which was:

Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth hears a woman calling out to him from a nearby house, begging for rescue. He pulls out his cell phone, but she warns against calling the police. Hayworth breaks in and subdues her captor. The girl, Alita, says the man runs an international sex trafficking ring with ranking police officers among his clients. As Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears, the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.

1. My version leaves out the fact that Hayworth is a mailman. This may be crucial in the book, but in the query its only purpose is to explain what Hayworth is doing at the house where she lives. We don't need to know how he happens to be there because it's a random event. He could be a plumber or just a guy walking down the street.

2. In my version the woman calls out to Hayworth. This at least hints that she's at some distance, and as we read on we may infer that she's locked in an upstairs room. When you say: "while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape her captor," I have questions. Where is she that she can talk to him but can't escape? Is she tied to a tree? Where's her captor?

3. In my version, Hayworth immediately helps the girl. In yours he returns hours later, having acquired a stun gun. Any ex-Marine worth his salt who can get close enough to the villain to use a stun gun should be able to take him down without the stun gun, so I want to know why he leaves this damsel in distress and comes back that night, which could be too late to help. You're probably thinking, But my way is how it happens in the book, and your way is a lie. Silly boy. Your way may make perfect sense in the book, where you have room to explain Hayworth's reasoning, but in the query you should keep it simple.

Now you're thinking, But what happens when the agent who liked my query asks to see the manuscript and when she reads it she finds out Hayworth lets the abuser have his way with the girl while he delivers mail, and later comes back to help? No problem, because:

1.  By now the agent has completely forgotten what you said in your query.
2. Either there's a perfectly logical reason for Hayworth's actions in the book, or you've realized that there isn't, and changed the book to match the query. 

Apparently you feel that it would also be a crime to say Alita has family in Tucson when they aren't actually there. If she believes they're there and Hayworth believes it as well (since he's driving her there) that's good enough for the query. They're there. The agent won't reject you when she finds out they aren't there and possibly never were. You hint at that anyway with the last sentence.

All of which is not to say use my versions word-for-word. Just convince us you have a good story that isn't full of holes.

New Beginning 1050

Three corpses dangled by ropes around their necks from the branches of the enormous border oak. Though rotted by time, the corpses still retained a mostly human shape, if you ignored the long tails. The breeze shifted. Carrion stench swept over the makeshift slave market.

Or, rather, the market of spies pretending to be slaves.

“Do they really think we're that stupid?” said Korus.

Psiris said, “They're expecting--”

“Dismount!” said Captain Nisin, suiting action to word.

The six men in the patrol meandered towards the market, leaving the two dogs guarding the horses at the top of the hill.

One of the slavers met them with open arms. “Good day, good sirs, and welcome. Are you looking for anything in particular? Oh, but I get ahead of myself. Come sit in the shade and allow us to display our wares.” The slaver led them to a tent with one side open.

"Here's a good one," said the slaver. "Tough, strong, women want him, men want to be him. Tell them your name."

"Bond," the muscular man hissed through clenched teeth. "James Bond."


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: khazar-khum

Feedback Request

At the risk of wearing out my welcome I'm hoping you'll give one more look at a re-write of my query for ONE WAY TO TUCSON (title of the moment) [Most recently seen here.]


Former two-tour Marine MP Trevor Hayworth is now a substitute mailman. One day, while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape [From ?] —but warns against calling the police. He returns at night, breaks in, and stun-guns her captor. [Starting with the next sentence, the word "trafficking" (or "traffickers") appears seven times in seven sentences. For some reason I get sick of reading it.] The girl, Alita, tells Hayworth the man is a boss in an international sex trafficking ring and Hayworth can’t call the police because ranking officers are clients of the traffickers. While Hayworth processes the mess they’re in, two trafficking couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the fight is over the couriers are tied up, the trafficking boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized. [That's a pretty long setup paragraph. Removing a few unnecessary words might help:

Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth hears a woman calling out to him from a nearby house, begging for rescue. He pulls out his cell phone, but she warns against calling the police. Hayworth breaks in and subdues her captor. The girl, Alita, says the man runs an international sex trafficking ring with ranking police officers among his clients. As Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears, the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.]

Later, Hayworth and Alita are in his pickup, racing out of San Diego for Tucson, where the girl’s family supposedly lives. With them is a list of names and numbers of trafficking honchos from around the world—and their clients. [When you said "With them" I wasn't sure you didn't mean with the girl's family.] Chasing them east on Route 10 are trafficking thugs, corrupt cops, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman.

Between shootouts and hospital visits Hayworth tries to get the trafficking info to the right people. He realizes it’s unlikely they’ll make it to Tucson, and if they do he has a bad feeling the welcoming committee won’t be Alita’s family. [If the immediate goal is to get the info to the right people, I'm not sure we need Tucson. Unless the right people are in Tucson. You could combine the last two paragraphs into something like:

Hayworth and Alita race out of San Diego carrying a list of names and numbers of trafficking honchos from around the world—and their clients. Chasing them east on Route 10 are thugs, corrupt cops, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman. If they can make it to Tucson unscathed, they can turn the list over to the FBI, reunite Alita with her family, and live happily ever after.]


Notes

If someone asked me to rescue her from a house, I'm not sure I'd assume I could handle it by myself. There could be a gang of guys holding her captive. I'd probably bring along a few of my ex-marine buddies.

I would expect a house containing the boss in an international sex trafficking ring to also contain a few of his underlings and more than one woman in need of rescue.

Once they're far from San Diego, all they have to do is drive about 110 miles per hour. They should eventually attract some state troopers who aren't clients of the sex traffickers.

In checking a map to see how long they have to drive (about 6 hours) I discover most of the trip from San Diego to Tucson is on Interstate 8. Interstate 10 runs from LA to Phoenix, then south to Tucson, and they would merge into 10 between Tucson and Phoenix. Most of the "chasing" would probably be on I-8. (Assuming when you say "Route 10" you mean the Interstate.)

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1257 would like feedback on the following revision:



Thank you for all the suggestions. I have done my best to incorporate them in the revision. A point I would like to reiterate-Indy is not the main character. Eldritch and Indy occupy equal space in the novel, sort of an alternating point of view, as it were. Indy takes up more space in the query because Eldritch's plot is relatively straightforward. Indy, on the other hand has a more convoluted series of events in her story. So more query space. [One could argue that the query is not the best place to focus on the more convoluted parts of the book, but we'll see.]



Eldritch Ramsay is not going to let his grandson die.

He's going to give in and let the Empire, the purveyor of civilization as the world knows it, the greatest and most unselfish endeavour in the history of man, burn. [You could just say ...and let the Empire burn. I'm guessing most Empires have been considered great and unselfish purveyors and endeavors, at least until the wrong people took charge. I'm more interested in what you mean by "give in" than in descriptions of the Empire.] 

Let the heroes and patriots save it if they can.

On the other side stands Indy Ramsay, his twenty-year-old granddaughter. [Is the "other side" the side that is going to let Eldritch's grandson die?] The best of the aforementioned patriots, in heart if not in proven ability. She who was to have been the future of the Reverend Council-the elite corps that runs the Aet-El Empire, the Ever Empire. [We don't need two different names for the Empire in the query. You could name it above when you first mention it, in which case you could just call it the Empire here.] She who was inexplicably overlooked in favour of Eldritch. ["Inexplicably" meaning no explanation was given? Or she didn't find the explanation acceptable?]

And now, the Council is under siege by an unknown enemy. The parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, the annual market has been burnt to cinders, and Indy is caught in the middle of it all. [This annual market seems out of place on your list. It's like saying: The U.S. Senate is under siege, the White House stands destroyed, and the Iowa State Fair has been burnt to cinders.] [For that matter, an earthquake isn't something the Empire can avoid, no matter which side Indy is on. Maybe we should just go with more about this siege by an unknown enemy.]

Targeted for death along with the Brothers, the Council enforcers, she will fight, and prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation that was denied her.

But as secrets long buried are brought to light, Indy finds herself asking whether she is willing to sacrifice all, including Eldritch, including her family, to ensure the Empire's survival.

As for Eldritch, he has already made that choice.


Notes

How can they fight an enemy if they don't know who it is? (I assume the enemy is a group of traitors within their ranks, rather than an attacking army that they don't recognize.)

It's almost all setup, with little story. And it's pretty vague. Who is going to kill Eldritch's grandson if he doesn't give in, and what does he have to do (or not do) to prevent this?

Who has targeted Indy and the Brothers for death? The unknown enemy?

It seems like the fate of the Empire rests with Eldritch Ramsay and his two grandchildren, but why? Indy apparently has been denied a position of power. What positions do Eldritch and the grandson hold? Who are they?

Success Story

Dave Fragments reports:

Dear EE,
This is a success story in two ways.

1) Last May or June you offered to edit 70K words for a charitable donation to FARM SANCTUARY in place of the Brenda Novak Fund Raiser. Farm Sanctuary and I have a happy relationship. I took your edits and worked the stories into an anthology. It is now in print and Kindle format and available for sale. The links are below.

2) I checked through Blogger and 8 of the stories were “New Beginnings” and 1 story started out as a “Writing Exercise.” For some reason (unknown to me) 1 story I just wrote. I make those stories in the blurbs below.
Thanks for your blog and all the effort it takes.

FUTURES YET UNKNOWN: Dreams Become Reality
Ten Stories by Dave Fragments
-A hunting expedition on an alien world -- NB-821
-An Alien serial murderer and a furry detective with fleas
-Murder on an alien world with altered humans -- NB-851
-A new frankenstein, conceived in metal with a human brain -- NB-868
-A man on trial for betraying the human race to robots -- NB-971
-Devils, demons and ghosts come to visit -- NB-246
-Ambitious survivors of a plague war -- NB-974
-Cyborgs trying to be human once again -- writing exercise 2 Dec 2007
-Six friends in the strangest sinkhole ever discovered -- NB-925
-The truth about a world drowning in rain, without sun, without hope -- NB-1038

Available
CreateSpace, print -- https://www.createspace.com/55454
Amazon Kindle -- http://www.amazon.com/dp/B018F1FWQ2
Amazon US, print -- http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1514...
Amazon UK, print -- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Futures-Yet-D...

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1288 would like feedback on the following revision:


Smugglers have inadvertently awakened a dragon. Trapped in an artifact, the dragon secretly compels the smugglers to bring it treasure to fuel its magic. It also sends them to kidnap Shimmer, a girl who can set it free.

Guard Tali Adilrein is hired as Shimmer's bodyguard after rescuing her from the kidnappers. Tali survives an assassination attempt. She finds traces of magic during an apparent accident that severely injures her partner. To protect her client from more direct magical attacks, Tali calls on the dragon magic she abandoned when it started turning her into a monster.

The trapped dragon will soon grow powerful enough to break free. When it does, it will lay waste to the city and kill Shimmer. However, if Tali uses her own magic to stop it, she will change into a dragon, and her client will become her victim.

EE Moonlighting on Black Friday

Happy Thanksgiving!

Feedback Request

Dear EE,

Some months ago I sent you a query under the title of THE MAILMAN. Your feedback prompted a re-working not just of the query but of the novel itself…and the title, which is now ONE WAY TO TUCSON. I’m hoping you’ll be so kind as to cast your withering gaze on the latest effort.

Also, can you say something, please, regarding proper novel length. Some quarters suggest a minimum of seventy thousand words.

Thank you.



Former two-tour Marine MP, Trevor Hayworth, is now a substitute mailman. [I don't think it's necessary to put commas around a person's name the way you would it if it read Trevor Hayworth, former two-tour Marine MP, is now a substitute mailman. I mean, would you put commas around "John" if it were My son John is very tall? To me, the question is whether you would pause noticeably before and after the name when speaking aloud.] It doesn’t pay enough but it keeps him clear of trouble. One day, while he’s delivering, a beautiful young woman begs him to help her escape her sex trafficking captors. When he offers to call the police she says the police and the traffickers are working “together”. [I don't see the need for those quotation marks.] That’s when Hayworth knows trouble has found him again. [Not sure what "again" means. Unless it's obvious to everyone that trouble must have found him in the past because he was a Marine MP. Maybe if the earlier sentence ended "...it keeps him from looking for trouble." and this one ended "trouble has found him."]

Later, Hayworth and the girl are in his pickup, racing out of San Diego for Tucson, where the girl’s family is supposed to live. [Changing "is supposed to" to "supposedly" would fix some ambiguity. For that matter you can just say it's where she has family, even if it's going to turn out that her family doesn't live there, since you're telling this from the character's viewpoint.] With them are three million dollars they took from the trafficker’s [traffickers'] house. Chasing them east on Route 10 are trafficking thugs, corrupt cops, and a newspaper reporter who moon lights [moonlights] as a hitman. Everyone wants the money and no one wants them alive.

As the skirmishes increase and the margins of their escapes narrow it’s evident to Hayworth they’re increasingly dependent on something notoriously unreliable: good luck. The girl, meanwhile, presents him with surprises and problems outside his skillset. And he begins to wonder—if they make it to Tucson—what’s really waiting for them there. [If I've followed someone from San Diego to Tucson because he stole my three million dollars, I'm not turning back just because he reached the city limits. It's not like a drawbridge will be raised as they enter Tucson. 

ONE WAY TO TUCSON is complete at 65,400 words.


Notes

Most of my comments are nitpicks. It does seem rather abrupt that a woman needs help escaping her captors, and we immediately transition to: later they're racing out of San Diego with three million dollars of the captors' money. It has me wondering if the ex-marine broke down the door, killed the captors, blew open the safe, and took off with the girl and money just as the cops and the dead captors' cohorts and the hitman reporter were all showing up. Possibly that's exactly how it went down, in which case one sentence saying so would help.



Regarding "proper novel length":

There's no such thing. The minimum length of a book that can be entered in the Rita Awards (Romance Writers of America) short novel category is 40,000 words. Same for the Nebula Awards (Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America) novel category. The Edgar Awards for mysteries demands at least 22,000 words. For the Thriller Awards the cutoff is 35,000 words. As for maximum lengths, it's generally best to stay under 100,000 words, although fantasy books that require lots of world building are given leniency.

Your chances of getting a book published if it's close to the minimums for the awards have been slim in recent decades. Presumably this is because publishers noticed that people bought thicker books more than thinner books. It's possible this is less of a concern these days with ebooks because the thickness of the book, the size of the font, aren't visually noticeable. Also, it's cheaper to print a short book, and money's tight in the industry.

My own opinion is that the proper word length is that which you've achieved when the book has reached its conclusion. In a just world that would be the opinion of publishers and editors and agents as well, but I suspect if you don't come in between 60,000 and 100,000 you are reducing the number of publishers, editors and agents who will take a look at your book. You're not reducing it to zero, however, so check guidelines.

If you're asking because you want to know whether to increase your word count from 65,400 to 70,000, I doubt that's necessary unless the additional 4600 words would be filling glaring plot holes.