Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1257 would like feedback on the following revision:



Thank you for all the suggestions. I have done my best to incorporate them in the revision. A point I would like to reiterate-Indy is not the main character. Eldritch and Indy occupy equal space in the novel, sort of an alternating point of view, as it were. Indy takes up more space in the query because Eldritch's plot is relatively straightforward. Indy, on the other hand has a more convoluted series of events in her story. So more query space. [One could argue that the query is not the best place to focus on the more convoluted parts of the book, but we'll see.]



Eldritch Ramsay is not going to let his grandson die.

He's going to give in and let the Empire, the purveyor of civilization as the world knows it, the greatest and most unselfish endeavour in the history of man, burn. [You could just say ...and let the Empire burn. I'm guessing most Empires have been considered great and unselfish purveyors and endeavors, at least until the wrong people took charge. I'm more interested in what you mean by "give in" than in descriptions of the Empire.] 

Let the heroes and patriots save it if they can.

On the other side stands Indy Ramsay, his twenty-year-old granddaughter. [Is the "other side" the side that is going to let Eldritch's grandson die?] The best of the aforementioned patriots, in heart if not in proven ability. She who was to have been the future of the Reverend Council-the elite corps that runs the Aet-El Empire, the Ever Empire. [We don't need two different names for the Empire in the query. You could name it above when you first mention it, in which case you could just call it the Empire here.] She who was inexplicably overlooked in favour of Eldritch. ["Inexplicably" meaning no explanation was given? Or she didn't find the explanation acceptable?]

And now, the Council is under siege by an unknown enemy. The parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, the annual market has been burnt to cinders, and Indy is caught in the middle of it all. [This annual market seems out of place on your list. It's like saying: The U.S. Senate is under siege, the White House stands destroyed, and the Iowa State Fair has been burnt to cinders.] [For that matter, an earthquake isn't something the Empire can avoid, no matter which side Indy is on. Maybe we should just go with more about this siege by an unknown enemy.]

Targeted for death along with the Brothers, the Council enforcers, she will fight, and prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation that was denied her.

But as secrets long buried are brought to light, Indy finds herself asking whether she is willing to sacrifice all, including Eldritch, including her family, to ensure the Empire's survival.

As for Eldritch, he has already made that choice.


Notes

How can they fight an enemy if they don't know who it is? (I assume the enemy is a group of traitors within their ranks, rather than an attacking army that they don't recognize.)

It's almost all setup, with little story. And it's pretty vague. Who is going to kill Eldritch's grandson if he doesn't give in, and what does he have to do (or not do) to prevent this?

Who has targeted Indy and the Brothers for death? The unknown enemy?

It seems like the fate of the Empire rests with Eldritch Ramsay and his two grandchildren, but why? Indy apparently has been denied a position of power. What positions do Eldritch and the grandson hold? Who are they?