Evil Editor's Blog, page 68

The Evil Editor Film Noir Marathon

Having noticed that many TV networks are running marathons of such shows as Doctor Who, The Twilight Zone, etc. this week, I'm jumping on the bandwagon with a marathon of some of the Film Noirs that appeared here over the years. This isn't all of them, but it may be more than you can stomach.

Merry Christmas

Below are some of the funnier Christmas-related fake plots that have appeared in the Guess the Plot feature over the years. Mixed in are seven that turned out to be actual plots of minions' novels. Can you remember/guess which ones?


1. When “undocumented worker” Carlos Cruz shows up at the day labor pool on Christmas Eve, the only guy offering work is a pequeno duende with bells on his shoes. Driving the sleigh is no problem, but will Christmas be ruined when Carlos has to take a leak at 30,000 feet? The kid who asked for the jar of marbles will probably think so.
2. While following yonder star, the three wise men find themselves in Rome. Lost and confused, they must depend on a senile mapmaker to get them back on their path to destiny.
3. Charlotte has a thing for holidays. She poisoned the marshmallow chicks in her first husband's Easter basket, strangled her second husband with the ribbon from the Valentine's Day chocolate box, and suffocated her third with the helium balloons at his own birthday party. Now, as Christmas approaches, hubby #4 wonders why that package under the tree is ticking.
4. Every year, Carrie's creepy boss has groped and French-kissed her at the office holiday party. With the antidote in her hip pocket, she waits near the mistletoe and keeps her tongue away from her poisoned lipstick. By this time next year, she'll be the VP doing the groping.
5. Christmas at the estate of Lord Ajax was supposed to be the climax of this year's social season-- and the moment Lord Ajax proposes to her. But Clarissa discovers she is not to be the recipient of a marriage proposal, when she discovers her Ajax under the mistletoe, locked in the embrace of . . . her brother.
6. It's Christmas, and Christine has no one to spend it with--until she gets drawn into an international drug conspiracy by hunky doctor David McLeod. Now that she's found true love, can she stay alive long enough to enjoy it? Also, Johnny Cash.
7. What started as an innocent kiss at the Devorson’s posh Christmas party turns into an obsession that leaves a trail of bodies from New York to Nevada. Beautiful detective Mary Sky must find the X-mas Killer, following the clues he leaves her, before Christmas rolls around again and his knife finds her under the Mistletoe.
8. Kelly Coosman volunteered to work the kissing booth for the parish Christmas Gala…it was the least she could do after Father McElroy rescued her from the streets of Chicago. But she’s been on her feet for fourteen hours straight, smooching hundreds of nicotine-fouled old men with rotten yellow teeth, and she's thinking prostitution wasn't so bad after all.
9. Confident his parents won't be getting him a Christmas present, Nate runs away from home and moves into Wal-Mart. When a night security guard finds him and realizes he's the missing boy she read about in the newspaper, she sets up a tent, gets Nate a sleeping bag, and helps him set up a household. Hey, the place gets lonely at night.
10. Nerdish Ferdinand Turnbull postpones his search for his father in order to pimp for all the hos in Bethlehem.
11. Time traveler Giovanni intercepts the Magi outside of Bethlehem and replaces the frankincense with sensimilla, dooming Jesus to be forever pictured as a long-haired hippie.
12. A guy who pees on her boots. A porn-obsessed crybaby. A cheese thief. Sofia always seems to end up with losers. Her latest boyfriend has just given her her Christmas present: a crummy loaf of bread! Is this the final straw? Or is this what she gets for moving to LA? 
13. Something sinister is afoot when the insurance office does its Secret Santa drawing and everyone draws Lucretia's name. Lucretia gets 35 gifts -- and a bullet in the head. Only mailroom boy Clark Cooper can both solve the mystery and deal with the Returns office at Macy's.
14. Sunol, California, 1998. Jeff Dunley and Mark Morris are engaged in an all-out, take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred war between their rival Christmas Tree farms.
15. The true story of what happened that fateful night when three rich, swarthy, lost travelers asked for directions to the stable, but could not speak Italian.
16. Papa regrets telling the Santa Claus at Macy's what he REALLY wants for Christmas . . . when he discovers Santa is really an undercover vice squad cop.
17. Christmastime, gentle snow falls, merry Santas, bludgeoned girls whose hair falls over their crushed skulls like strands of silver . . . it's just another day for Rudolph.
18. Secret Santa is all fun and games, until Hayley opens her package and finds a human hand. Should she report it to the cops or investigate herself? How hard can it be to spot someone who's missing a hand?
19. At Christmas, Mandi and Daniel each make great sacrifices in hopes of providing the other with happiness. Will their sacrifices tragically render their gifts useless? Or will a robot MAGIcally save the day with his Deus ex Machina appearance?
20. When the scarves Aya is knitting for Christmas presents start to fray, so does her mind - convincing her doctor that knitting and mental illness are linked. Can he prove it in time to save his wife, a knittaholic?
21. Abandoning his family on Christmas day is the only decent thing Jeffrey's done for them in years. At least he didn't take all the presents with him.
22. When Mark messes up his solo in the Christmas musical, his dad is so upset with him he crashes the family car into a gasoline tanker truck on a foggy bridge while driving home.
23. Bob's trip to the toy store to get little Timmy something for Christmas turns into an epic battle of good vs evil when the evil elf running the cash register slips him the magic kaleidoscope he stole from Wizard Ferkle, who is desperate to retrieve it before the Dark Threesome can get their grubby hands on it.
24. As a nonogenarian wraps Christmas gifts for each of her relatives, she reflects on things they and others have done to annoy her over the course of her long life.
25. Sick of his stressful job guarding a labyrinth, the Minotaur applies for a position pulling a sleigh. Can the taurine recluse learn to be jolly and get the job before Theseus finds him?

Answers below.


The actual plots are:
6, 9, 10, 12, 19, 21,  22

Feedback Request

I hope I am not overstaying my welcome, but I sent out my first batch of queries (about 25) and got back... one partial request, 24 silence/rejections. I know it's not that many sent, but I read on a few sites that if you dont get a 25% request rate, the query is not good. I found this website so helpful in getting me to where my query is now, so I am hoping you can take a look one more time to see where I might be going wrong? Thanks!


Dear ......,

Sixteen-year-old Theia Bryar knows she’s being kidnapped. What she doesn’t realize is that her abductor is taking her home. On an island inhabited by the Naturae, people who can control earth, air, fire or water, Theia learns why the sun always shines when she’s happy, while thunder answers her cries of anger. She is the daughter of Mother Nature, and has power over all four elements.

With humans desecrating the Earth, the Naturae have been deprived of seen their health and powers diminish. But Theia remains strong, thanks to her father’s human blood keeping the illness that grips the pure Naturae at bay. She’s the only one who can stop the devastation of nature, and has been brought back to the island to do just that.

Immersed in a new world, Theia’s thrilled to get to know her birth mother and learn how to harness the elements, from controlling the tides to conducting lightning. She’s quick to develop new friendships, while exploring a budding romance with Holt, a fascinating yet enigmatic islander.

Although she makes new friends on the island, But soon Theia discovers that life on the island is not as perfect as it seems. Not all of her friends can be trusted, Mother Nature forbids the distraction of a romance with Holt, and Theia misses the father and half-sister she left behind. And then she stumbles onto a terrible secret. Mother Nature doesn’t just want to heal the Earth— she wants to eliminate the threat of humanity completely. And she intends to steal Theia’s powers to do so.

EARTH EYES is a paranormal YA novel which puts a dark twist on the usual perceptions of Mother Nature. It is a standalone novel with series potential complete at 52,000 words.


Notes

I don't think the query is necessarily the problem. Dumping the red and using the blue might be an improvement. And might leave you room for a few sentences about how Theia plans to thwart Mother Nature. But the main problem may be the agents' belief that young adults won't consider a book in which Mother Nature is a main character all that alluring. Maybe if she were a goddess such as Themis or Pomona. Of course you wouldn't want Themis unless you changed Theia to Annie, which I recommend.

Or maybe this is more suited for younger readers. What makes this book too mature for a 12-year-old? Would everything be changed if Theia were 14? 

Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like your feedback on this revision:


Indy Ramsay has studied and trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council-the elite corps that runs the Aet-El Empire, the Ever Empire.

Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch Ramsay, who is chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission of the utmost importance, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.

The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. [And his granddaughter.] [Apparently when they sent Eldritch away on an important mission they didn't send him far. He's back already. What form of transportation did he use?] [Not sure why I'm bothering to suggest deleting certain phrases when my  same suggestions on an earlier version have been ignored.]

He will get his grandson back, he is told, [By whom?] if he betrays the Empire. [We just murdered your entire family except your grandson, but we won't murder him if you betray millions. You can trust us.] A simple act. All he has to do is use his newfound power and status to find a man, the greatest man the Empire has ever known-someone who hasn't been seen in the Empire for two centuries. [I got some bad news: the guy's been dead for 150 years.] [Was that sarcasm, calling this "a simple act"?] Eldritch knows that finding this man will bring ruin to the Empire; an omniscient god told him so only yesterday. [Being omniscient means knowing all; it doesn't mean always telling the truth.]

He wants to not care. Millions of lives weighed against his grandson's . . . He is not going to let his grandson die. [Millions of other people's grandchildren or my grandchild . . . Hmm, not as difficult a decision as I would have thought.] The Empire has heroes and patriots and deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.

Unbeknownst to him, Indy is still alive. Targeted for assassination as the last of Eldritch's bloodline, [Isn't his grandson also part of his bloodline?] she manages to learn the truth of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.

Now, as riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch-[Finding Eldritch will be the hard part. Where do you look for a man who's off looking for a man who hasn't been seen for two centuries?] she will save the Empire at any cost.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? [All the better, since there'll be a new opening on the Council.]


Notes

Hard to believe there's an enemy powerful enough to threaten the Empire, and they don't even know who the enemy is. Why isn't the identity of the enemy known?

You'd think with the enemy bringing their true might to bear upon you, you'd either be fighting or fleeing, not rioting.

Finding a man who hasn't been seen for two centuries seems like a nutty demand for your enemy to make. It's like an unknown person kidnaps the U.S. Secretary of State's grandchild and tells the Secretary, "You'll never see the kid again unless you find James Madison." Which would be bad enough, but yesterday God told you the U.S. would come to ruin and millions would die if you ever found James Madison.

I think the query should focus on Indy. How she steps up when the enemy attacks and Eldritch is off searching Australia for the 250-year-old great man. 

Feedback Request

Hello, I wrote to you a little while ago about the query for eradicated. I was wondering if the version below is better and if you like the ending or the alternate ending more. If you have time please take a look.


Warrior in training, Maya Richardson has a secret: she can time travel. It’s not as exciting as it sounds. In fact, it sucks. She can’t control it, she always returns to when and where she started, it’s proceeded [preceded] by debilitating vomiting and followed by a migraine from hell. To make matters worse, the commune she lives in believes that anyone with powers is Gliesian, a crime punishable by death. And Gliesians—the alien race that has conquered the earth—believe that a human with powers is a threat that must be eradicated.

To stay alive, Maya knows she must learn to control and hide her power. But before she can, her mother is abducted. Maya knows the answers to her mother’s disappearance lies within the glittering walls of the Gliesian city, Tajel, but the commune elders refuse to let Maya leave the compound to rescue her mom. [The answer lies or the answers lie, but not the answers lies. Although I don't think of a disappearance as something that has an answer. Why not just say her mother is abducted and taken to Tajel?] With the help of an unlikely ally, Maya escapes from the commune only to be taken hostage by the Gliesian government. Imprisoned with other humans, she discovers that her mom isn’t the only person to end up missing; humans have been disappearing in droves from cities all over the planet. The lucky ones are killed and the unlucky ones are used as human batteries to power the cities-- a fate worse than death. [If humans are needed to power the cities, why do the Gliesians kill the "lucky ones"?]

Maya has to control her powers to save her mom and herself. But she’s going to need help. Her only option is to travel back in time and convince the commune to fight the Gliesian government, but time traveling will land her back on commune grounds and expose her secret. If the commune elders know her secret, saving her mom will be the least of her worries. [When you say she's going to need help, I assume you mean help learning to control her powers. Instead you gloss over the fact that she can't control them and move on to getting help in the past from the commune.]

Alternate ending
To save her mom and herself, Maya is going to need help. She has to travel back in time and convince the commune elders that it’s time for what they’ve been preparing her for: war. But to do so Maya must use her powers, which have been temperamental at best. Will Maya master her powers in time to save her mom? And if she does can she convince the elders that it’s time to fight and she isn’t the enemy?


Notes

I'm not clear on this "always ends up when and where she started" aspect of time travel. If she time travels from her prison in Tajel, I would expect her to return to Tajel, not to the commune. It's not clear whether she always time travels to the commune or always ends up there after her time travel trip is over.

Is her plan to time travel back to a time before she was born, or a time when she is alive in the commune, in which case there would be two of her?

The Gliesians control cities all over the planet, and Maya needs to convince her puny commune to fight the Gliesian government? That's like the single town of Bedwas, Wales taking on the Axis powers in WWII. Maybe we should focus on saving mom and let someone else worry about the Gliesian threat.

I'm not sure why she needs to suck at controlling her powers in the book, but I don't see that as an important point to bring up in the query. It just makes me wonder, if she can't control the time and place she ends up when she time travels, how can she accomplish anything unless she gets lucky? If she needs to go back a year and instead goes back 2000 years, what's she gonna do? What exactly do you mean by she can't control her power? Can she control the date to which she travels? Can she control the place to which she travels? Can she control when she travels, or does it just happen randomly? You don't want me wondering all this, and you don't have room to answer it all, so maybe you should just let us think she can control her time travel.

I'm not thrilled with either ending. Perhaps:

To save her mom and herself, Maya will have to travel back in time and convince the commune elders that they must go to war . . . and that she isn’t the enemy.

Cartoons for Nerds

In an effort to get a book nominated in the best humor publication category of the Eisner Awards, and thereby have an excuse to attend next year's ComicCon in San Diego, I've created a book titled Cartoons for Nerds (and Geeks), which includes the funniest of the cartoons from this blog that have a fantasy, science fiction, horror, superhero, science/technology theme. Here's the cover:



I had them convert it to an ebook formatted for an iPad, but it can also be viewed on your computer, though you may have to click "view" and zoom out to get it the right size for your screen. If you buy it at Evil Editor's bookstore ($1.99, link in sidebar), I'll not only send you the code that allows you to read it, but I'll also send you the code for Evil Editor's History of the World in Tweets.

I also had a few copies printed. Like the EE comic strip collections, it's printed in color, but unlike the EE comic strip collections, which are printed on coated photo paper and are 8 by 10, this book is trade paperback size (6 by 9) on uncoated paper, and thus more affordable. By which I mean $12.99 including shipping to US addresses. Supplies are limited.

Face-Lift 1290

Guess the Plot

The Azemeon

1. When the world wavers on the brink of Ambigetton ... er, Arbategon ... er, Armageddon, a new hero emerges. She is a wonder of a woman, a powerful Amazamalon ... er, Azumaloom ... er, Azemeon ... she's just really tall.

2. In a world with magic and time travel, the fate of Earth lies in the hands of one teenager, as usual. But this teen has one big advantage, a gem that confers the power to read minds--a gem known as . . . The Azemeon! Or maybe it's the bad guy who has it.

 3. A scientist uploads the brain of Isaac Azimov into new world order robots which then fuse into the Singularity. It sends a clone of Mila Kunis back in time to improve the gene pool. Unfortunately, she ends up in an alternate history line on an island with Lon Chaney.

4. The voices of young spelling bee contestants are stolen by Dyslexia, the goddess of Sedsdog, and thrown into the labyrinth. Young stutterer Jason Petre-Piper must brave the dangers of the prison to save his friends as the Minute-tar slowly fills up the corridors. They must struggle without the aid of language in order to escape the Azemeon or die.

5. After the murder of Maya--the love of his life—total physics nerd Fred Azem creates a new device, the Azemeon, to convert aliens into porcupines. He solicits help from the more than five thousand members of the American Pawnbrokers Association. Still, two problems remain: the aliens have morphed into vampires and are set on sucking all pawnbrokers' blood; while Priscilla, the world's most influential porcupine, is dead set against aliens clogging up pure porcupine blood lines and she hires Borgo to disembowel Fred.

6. The jungle is a scary place, especially if your habitat is a water droplet left out during a total eclipse on the altar of a forgotten temple. At any rate, mutant-virus-infected zombie bacteria grown to the size of chihuahuas terrorize a research student named Moe who just wants to graduate.


Original Version

Someone is changing the past…and not for the better. [That's so vague it could mean anything. Get rid of it.]

There is magic in the world, controlled and concealed by a shadowy government organization known as the M.O.M. [If you're going to name it, use the full name, i.e. Mages of Mars or (more likely) Ministry of Magic.] But young Dephon Johnson [How young?] cannot worry about the severe penalties imposed for the unorthodox use of sorcery, for not only does the survival of his family depend upon it but quite possibly the fate of the Earth as well. [Who decides whether the use of sorcery was orthodox or unorthodox?] [Has anyone else noticed that orthodox religions like Greek, Russian and Eastern Orthodox proudly include the word"orthodox" in their names, but none of the unorthodox religions include the word "unorthodox" in their names? Why is that?]

With his mother’s life hanging in the balance, Dephon must travel back to an earlier time to save her life. But once he arrives there, he finds he is not welcome. A young man, his father, believes Delphon is insane; his mother-to-be fears him as a witch or a demon. [Dad thinks he's insane because he claims to be from the future but has no cool futuristic gizmos as proof. Mom thinks he's a demon because he has futuristic gizmos that seem magical. It's contradictory. Does he or doesn't he have cool futuristic gizmos?] And, worst of all, someone has come back as well to bring a tyrannical government to power decades before its time, thereby igniting a bloody reign of terror that will leave countless dead in its wake. And the names of Delphon’s [This is the second time you've spelled his name with an "l," while the first two times you mentioned him it was spelled without an "l." Change his name to Lloyd. That way if you leave off an "l" you'll have another one for backup.] parents sit at the top of the list of those to be eliminated [Why? Who are his parents?] —an unthinkable catastrophe their son must prevent at all costs…or he will never be born to end the madness. [How does De[l]phon know someone else has come back and what that person's plans are? How does he know who's at the top of the hit-list? Usually if you're planning to knock off a bunch of people, you don't warn them by posting their names.] 

The Azemeon is an 89,000 word young adult novel.


Note from author: The Azemeon is an ancient gem that confers the wearer with the power to read minds.


Notes

How can one teen with no friends or allies prevent a reign of terror? If the answer involves the Azemeon, maybe that should be in the query.

Why is D's mother's life hanging in the balance? Has it been hanging in the balance for decades?

I can live with a title that's a word I never heard of, but when I read the whole query and still don't know what the word means, I get annoyed.

Are the parents on the hit list because of who they are or to prevent De[l]phon from being born?

Is it sorcery that allows time travel?

Even if the guy starts his tyrannical government 30 years earlier, and our hero isn't born, can't someone else go back in time and kill the bad guy before he succeeds, in which case De[l]phon is still alive?

Somehow, preventing a tyrannical government from coming to power a few decades earlier doesn't seem like enough if it still comes to power eventually.

Face-Lift 1289

Guess the Plot

Eradicated

1. Inexperienced wannabe author Bill R. Lytton submits the only copy of his manuscript for professional corrections and revisions, unaware that work sent to Evil Editor is less likely to be edited than . . . eradicated.

2. In the post-apocalyptic city of New New York-york, four exterminators compete to combine classic technique with creative innovations against the tidal wave of mutant vermin overrunning the city. Will they win, or will they be . . . eradicated?

3. Maya knows the history of how aliens nearly eradicated all humans. But as the greatest living micro biologist, she has a plan. She works with total physics nerd Fred Azem to create a device that can convert aliens into humans and save both species. But it violates her colony's deepest religious beliefs. And the aliens, who now rule Earth, are not about to let it happen.

4. Humanity has all but been eradicated by intermarriage to the peaceful alien race that now populates the Earth. Only teenager Maya can save us, but she's about to find out that the aliens aren't so peaceful after all. 

5. When we eradicated the dominant species on the first planet we colonized, we figured we could create a new home on which humanity would flourish. Little did we know that the Mutalians would show up a few years later with the same idea.

6. Some dude named Kafka is crusading for insect rights. Will he bridge the gap between exo- and endoskeletons? Or will he be . . . eradicated? Includes handy instructions on building your own Geiger counter.



Original Version

Maya Richardson is one of the last remaining humans. Humanity has all but been eradicated by intermarriage to the Gliesians, the peaceful alien nation that now populates the Earth. [It's not marrying them that eradicates us, it's sex. Specifically, human women stop having sex with human men, most likely because Gliesian men are better at it.] [Also, the Gliesians sound more like a race than a nation.] Maya lives in a fledgling commune where she resided with both of her parents until they each disappeared, abandoning her for the glittering allure of the Gliesian society. [Do the Gliesians require that those who wish to enter their society first abandon their children?]

Unfortunately, her place in the commune is jeopardized when her best friend vanishes with the commune’s supplies—and Maya is accused of being an accomplice. [Supplies of what? How much stuff can one person disappear with?] Maya has to prove her innocence and convince the commune elders of her loyalty [Do the elders have to prove her guilt?] in order to take her rightful place in the commune hierarchy. [Once you've declared that humanity has been virtually eradicated, I find it hard to care whether Maya Richardson takes her rightful place in the hierarchy of a fledgling commune.] [Also, it sounds odd for a "fledgling" commune to have elders. Unless, by "elders" you don't mean people who've attained their positions of power through longevity, but simply people who are older than other people.]

But Maya has a secret. Actually, she has two secrets: one that can save the commune [From being depleted by those who leave to have sex with Gliesians? Or are they under attack?] and the other that can save humanity. Unfortunately exposing one of her secrets will get her kicked out of the commune. [To hell with the commune. She's better off without them.] If she exposes the other, she'll find out that the aliens aren’t so peaceful after all. [You know that, but does she know it?]

Eradicated is an 80,000 word young adult novel. May I send you the full manuscript?


Notes

It's hard to buy that enough Gliesians could be transported to Earth to eradicate humanity through intermarriage. It would take millions of them. Presumably about 100,000 show up and reproduce until there are millions. But even so, there are billions of us, so there wouldn't be enough Gliesians to marry. Polygamy would help solve that problem, but it's only the children who would be alien/human hybrids; it would take a hundred years for all the original humans to be die out. At which point, if almost all Earthlings are alien/human hybrids, isn't it true that almost all aliens, the ones Maya is going to find out aren't so peaceful after all, are hybrids as well? Perhaps half the Gliesians go around impregnating human women while the other half keep the alien strain pure?

The fact that Maya is one of the few remaining humans suggests that her parents were among the few who didn't buy into the Gliesian hype. Which seems at odds with their abandoning her.

What's so alluring about the Gliesian society that virtually all humans want in, even if it means abandoning their children? Are they drugging us? Hypnotizing us? Is that the secret you won't, for some inexplicable reason, reveal to the agent you're querying?

Do these Gliesians look like humans? Because I can't see a lot of humans wanting to marry aliens who look like Ferengi. 

Feedback Request

A new version of the query recently featured HERE has been posted in the comments there. The author would like your opinion.

Feedback Request

Dear Evil Editor,

I have taken some time to further reflect on my query and am sending you the most recent update. Thank you again for all your suggestions, and especially for helping me to rephrase my last version so neatly.

I have a few questions for everyone on this draft. First, is it important to mention why Rae and Arella are working against the king, (they are trying to save their father-the leader of the rebellion) or can I leave that out? Second, please tell me if I am clear enough on Ana's powers, or if more detail is required. Once again, thank you to everyone for your patience and input!


All of the other kids took on physical traits of an animal when they were eight, except Ana. Abandoned as "different" by her family and feared by her former friends, she has raised herself in the woods for eight years.

When a fire drives her out of the forest, Ana joins up with a coyote girl named Arella and her dog brother Rae. Rather than fear Ana, Rae and Arella sympathize, and offer to let her travel with them. They are off to see the king, who they say could help Ana become like everyone else.

As they journey to the castle, Ana finds she is suddenly able to defeat her enemies without ever touching them. Soldiers carry word of this girl with super powers to the king, who decides he has good use for her. Meanwhile, Rae and Arella confess that they are criminals secretly working against the king. Now Ana must decide: does happiness lie with her new "friends," the king, or is she better off alone?

Keeper of the Woods is a 56,000-word middle grade fantasy novel.

Sincerely,


Notes

All you've done to my version of your last version is make minor changes in two sentences. Your first sentence, "All of the other kids took on physical traits of an animal when they were eight, except Ana." leaves me wondering whether you mean the other children in her neighborhood, her school, her town... Apparently you want that age of eight in there, so try: Ana was born human, but unlike other children, she didn't take on the physical traits of an animal when she was eight years old.

Did her parents abandon her the day she turned nine? That's pretty cold. If I'd raised a kid that long, I think I'd hold out hope that she was a late bloomer, take her to the doctor or the shaman, etc. I probably wouldn't give up on her till she was at least twelve. In which case after eight more years in the woods she'd be twenty. Is she twenty?

Your other change: "Ana begins displaying uncontrollable powers" becomes "Ana finds she is suddenly able to defeat her enemies without ever touching them." You haven't mentioned that she has any enemies, unless you mean the family and friends who abandoned her. And defeating enemies without touching them is not specific enough. Superman could do that with his super breath or his heat vision. Doctor strange with magic. Green Lantern with his power ring. Robin Hood with a bow and arrow. The Human Torch with fireballs. I could go on for pages. 

Confessing that their father is the rebellion leader puts Rae and Arella in a better light than confessing that they are criminals. Or it might, if we only knew why the king is being rebelled against.