Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like your feedback on this revision:


Indy Ramsay has studied and trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council-the elite corps that runs the Aet-El Empire, the Ever Empire.

Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch Ramsay, who is chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission of the utmost importance, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.

The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. [And his granddaughter.] [Apparently when they sent Eldritch away on an important mission they didn't send him far. He's back already. What form of transportation did he use?] [Not sure why I'm bothering to suggest deleting certain phrases when my  same suggestions on an earlier version have been ignored.]

He will get his grandson back, he is told, [By whom?] if he betrays the Empire. [We just murdered your entire family except your grandson, but we won't murder him if you betray millions. You can trust us.] A simple act. All he has to do is use his newfound power and status to find a man, the greatest man the Empire has ever known-someone who hasn't been seen in the Empire for two centuries. [I got some bad news: the guy's been dead for 150 years.] [Was that sarcasm, calling this "a simple act"?] Eldritch knows that finding this man will bring ruin to the Empire; an omniscient god told him so only yesterday. [Being omniscient means knowing all; it doesn't mean always telling the truth.]

He wants to not care. Millions of lives weighed against his grandson's . . . He is not going to let his grandson die. [Millions of other people's grandchildren or my grandchild . . . Hmm, not as difficult a decision as I would have thought.] The Empire has heroes and patriots and deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.

Unbeknownst to him, Indy is still alive. Targeted for assassination as the last of Eldritch's bloodline, [Isn't his grandson also part of his bloodline?] she manages to learn the truth of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.

Now, as riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch-[Finding Eldritch will be the hard part. Where do you look for a man who's off looking for a man who hasn't been seen for two centuries?] she will save the Empire at any cost.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? [All the better, since there'll be a new opening on the Council.]


Notes

Hard to believe there's an enemy powerful enough to threaten the Empire, and they don't even know who the enemy is. Why isn't the identity of the enemy known?

You'd think with the enemy bringing their true might to bear upon you, you'd either be fighting or fleeing, not rioting.

Finding a man who hasn't been seen for two centuries seems like a nutty demand for your enemy to make. It's like an unknown person kidnaps the U.S. Secretary of State's grandchild and tells the Secretary, "You'll never see the kid again unless you find James Madison." Which would be bad enough, but yesterday God told you the U.S. would come to ruin and millions would die if you ever found James Madison.

I think the query should focus on Indy. How she steps up when the enemy attacks and Eldritch is off searching Australia for the 250-year-old great man.