Evil Editor's Blog, page 471

Q & A 169

Not all places accept emailed queries or submissions, and all the print ones want SASEs. Therein lies the problem. In August, I’m heading off to college, and I may or may not come back over the summer. Since my address may have changed by the time they send it back, do I beg my parents to forward mail or do I try to get the SASE sent to the right place? For example, include a SAE for each address, the right stamps, and a note asking them to use one envelope after a certain date? I suppose it com

Cartoon 337

Caption: Rick Daley

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Writing Exercise Results . . .

. . . are in the posts below. The task was to write a scene in which a deus ex machina event saves the day.

DEM 6

“God,” he said, “I just can’t get my swing right today.”

“Ah, don’t worry, Jake. A couple more holes and it’ll come together for ya.” You’re such a whiny little asshole. Your swing ain’t ever been right. Whatever.

“Did ya see that bird move my ball, back on nine? Damn bird pecked at my ball. If he hadn’t pecked at my ball, I had a good shot at birdie there. Did ya see that?”

“Yeah, Jake, I saw it.” Whiny little asshole. The bird lands near your ball, sitting in the second cut near the bunker, and y

DEM 5

They were coming for him. Their pages flipping menacingly. "Read me!" they chanted in raspy voices. Panic was taking over, as the sea of slush pages surrounded him.

"Help!" he shouted. Maybe if he pinched himself... Ouch! Wtf... Something did pinch him. On his ass, too... He turned around to face this new enemy.

It was wearing fishnets over its pink legs... "You not Spongebob," the creature said.

"I can be..."

The creature giggled, grabbing the sample pages and stuffing them down its undies. He

DEM 4

“What is this?” Julie looks around her at the dark, cool cave.

R-Man! Slumped down by her feet! She slides to the ground.

He isn’t breathing, he isn’t breathing! “R-Man! Wake up, baby cakes!” She gasps. “A cup? My true love, what’ve you been drinking, poison? It is poison!” She slumps over him, sobbing. “R-man, say you didn’t, please, say you’re joking and you’re not really dead, please!”

Julie sobs again as she inspects the cup. “Oh come on, you didn’t leave any for me? Maybe if I smooch you I’ll

DEM 3

"You've rejected your last manuscript, Evil Editor," Minion 29,542 said.

"Could you loosen the ropes a little?" EE replied. "I have sensitive wrists from typing so many rejection slips."

"No. You'll suffer like everyone you've ever come in contact with. And don't expect a last-minute rescue from Mrs. V. or one of your ridiculous deus ex machinas. As you see, there's nothing in this room except the thousands of impersonal rejection slips you've sent me over the years, which I'm going to stuff down

DEM 2

Zeus threw out his arms and leapt from the edge of Olympus.

As the clouds caught his tousled locks and swept them over his bald patch, a trilling sound burst from his bum bag.

The phone!

The wife!!

The fuck?!!

‘Hereypops,’ he purred, glowering as he glimmered, ‘Listen babalicious, I can’t talk now. Some woman called Danae needs a golden shower. And before you ask, it’s not what you think.’

‘You forgot your sandwiches,’ his wife replied curtly.

‘No problem, sweetypeets. I’ll pick up Moussaka-2-Go on t

DEM 1

The author took up pen and paper and addressed his wits. "OK gang, idea time. Write a Deus Ex Machina."

"How about this: A shack in the woods with a satellite dish, an old out house, a CB antennae, six hound dogs lounging, a scarecrow, tractor, chromed country Cadillac and living inside, a bachelor in a camouflage jockstrap and a web cam is making boutique internet porn to the quaint rhythms of by night and advertising copy by day," the ID raised its hat.

"No, too needy, too spit-and-polish, too

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