Evil Editor's Blog, page 437

Bad Analogies Scene 10

Detective O’Leary hit the bloody landscape like a factory born widget dancing around the room.

“Hey! Be careful , wouldya,” howled the techie overseeing the crime scene like a dwarf analyzing atomic particles.

O’Leary stepped back, not so much out of respect or obedience but more as a strategic move. At this point in any investigation the techie held all the cards, and he would savagely dole them out to a salivating investigator like a white linen suit raking leaves.

“So, time of death, yet?” O’Lea

Bad Analogies Scene 9

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, all right? So, yeah, Imanottasyupid, who’s just as charasmatic as a hot pink begonia sentence to a chain gang, she walks into a bar and she says to the barkeep, “What’s the best one you got?”

You’ve heard it before? No way—I’m improvving here. Shut up and listen.

“Well,” says the barkeep, his breath like a titanic cat burping up a smell of cardboard, “I’d recommend our vodka-scotch cocktail.”

No, I’ve never been in a bar. So what if a vodka-scotch cocktail is as

Bad Analogies Scene 8

At the horizon, the sky and sea merged into a muddy grey-green as the setting sun hung suspended like a bloated cheese ball over a bowl of rancid guacamole, prompting Hans to reach into his backpack for the last of his flavor-blasted crackers. He plodded onward, biting the heads off the little goldfish and tossing the tails over his shoulder, feeling utterly dejected having just been dumped by his girlfriend, Ann Lisbeth. A Silver Porsche Caymen S with a 3.4 liter, flat six engine blew past and

Bad Analogies Scene 7

The anesthesiologist administered the sedative and the patient fell limp under the blankets and operating room lights, like a blue paperweight relaxing on the beach under the stars. The doctor tried everything in his battle against this tumor. Now it spread like a virus but could not be damaged with his needles no matter how furiously he poked, like an impervious computer fighting with a rabid squirrel.

They pulled the blankets away from the patient’s belly. He ate fast food for breakfast, lunch,

Bad Analogies Scene 6

The Dark Lord drummed his fingers, then stopped.

“Well, have you decided?”

Stan put his head in his hands. His thoughts swirled together like an awkward fire swimming in circles.

“Oh, come now,” said the Dark Lord, “it’s not that complicated. Just pick one.” He sat back placidly in his jeweled throne and gestured toward the doors with a languid hand. He looked like a lavish mountain paying bills.

Oh sure, thought Stan. Not complicated. It’s just life and death, after all.

As if they’d heard his

Bad Analogies Scene 5

I ripped the last page out of the typewriter and stacked it with the others. At last I'd completed my 400,000 word literary horror novel about a moonstruck serial scrubber. Publishers would fall to their knees, begging me to sign their contracts. They'd be as red as scientists fighting for their place in line and I'd be their guinea pig, their golden goose, the light at the end of their out-of-body experience.

Only one man stood in my way: Evil Editor. Writing him a query letter that would encomp

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 643

Guess the Plot

Stolen from Heaven

1. Tired of stealing plots from mortals, a daring author sets off on a quest to find a plot really worth stealing.

2. When her father sends her on an errand, Minjee has no idea he's actually sending her to be sacrificed so a thief who stole power from the ancient gods can take over her body. Minjee vows that if she gets out of this, there'll be no Father's Day gift for dad this year.

3. Andrew conquers Hollywood--top film rolls, chicks, and best of all, the exquisit

Cartoon 411

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Writing Exercise

Write down four adjectives. Do it now, before reading the rest of the instructions.




Now write down four nouns before going on.




Finally write down four gerund phrases. A gerund phrase starts with an ing word, and is modified into a phrase. A short one might be "eating spaghetti." A longer one might be "running down the street in a leopard-skin tutu."


Now that you have your raw materials, mix and match them into four bad analogies--four phrases that might act as similes. "Like a blind zebra eating sp