Evil Editor's Blog, page 419

Face-Lift 661

Guess the Plot

The Resurrection

1. Murdered by aliens they ruled over ruthlessly, Captain Sabine and the Emperor have come back to life! It's revenge time, but can two zombies wipe out the entire alien fleet?

2. Joe Bob, necromancer, runs a small business selling undead slaves. When one of his subjects comes back to life instead of un-life, he needs to find the non-corpse to prove he's not responsible before zealots, grieving families and a pantheon of demigods turn him into one of his usual subjec

Cartoon 445

Caption: Anon.

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Feedback Request

The Author of the book described in Face-Lift 643 has a new version and would like your input. You'll find it in the comments there.

Writing Exercise Results . . .

. . . are in the posts below. The task was to write a scene in which an author having trouble dealing with rejection consults Evil Psychiatrist.

Evil Shrink 7

Dear Patient,

We regret to inform you that your feelings of inadequacy and rejection are standard and do not constitute full fledged paranoia or schizophrenia, therefore your request for treatment is just not right for our practice at this time. Please be aware that the perceptions of the many levels of craziness vary greatly in this industry.

Regards,

Dr. Evil

PS Not the guy from Austin Powers.

--RickDaley

Evil Shrink 6

Anyway, Doc, I've wallpapered my entire office with rejection slips to--

Brilliant. Nothing breeds success like reminding yourself you're a failure. That's why great chefs put their burnt soufflés on pedestals in their trophy cases. I might try that myself--wallpaper this office with news articles about all the patients who came to me with mild cases of anxiety and went on to become serial killers after I treated them. It'll keep me humble.

But I thought--

Look, you think Johnny Depp puts Freddy's

Evil Shrink 5

White is the room, and dark the man
Who therein sits. He keeps no track
Of time or year—each year
The same—each day
The same.

White is the room, and darkness therein lies,
Wolf in wool, black in white,
A teacup washed outside and not within.
He lies in wait.

White is the room, and lost are those within.
I came for love; I found despair,
For there was evil there,
In that white room.

White is the room, and there I lie
To mumble, babble, prattle
Of my mother, father, brother,
And the agents—all the agents.

White is

Evil Shrink 4

I'd hardly put my worn-out jeans to the sofa before my so-called counseling began.

"You're thin, badly clothed, droopy-eyed, in need of a shower and have a deer-in-the-headlights look about you. You're either an actor in need of a day job or a writer in need of a day job. What did you eat, last, ketchup soup or crackers with peanut butter?"

"Crackers with--"

"So you're a writer and you're depressed."

"Yes, you see--"

"That wasn't a question. It was an axiom. You'll know I've questioned you when you'v

Evil Shrink 3

"Nine hundred rejections, you say?"

The writer squirmed. Somehow, the couch wasn't comfortable. And was there something more than a twinkle in the bearded man's eye? "About that, yes."

"Including iUniverse and PublishAmerica?"

The writer nodded.

"Well," the psychiatrist said, "it seems to me that your problem is fear of success."

The writer's eyes opened wide. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that you have fallen into a routine," said the psychiatrist, "one that you are afraid to change. You send out your

Evil Shrink 2

Beige ceramic tiles and thick metal corner guards provided an old, steam-powered aesthetic reminiscent of the industrial revolution throughout the office building. I expected Edison to spring from a door wearing headphones and holding a lightbulb, or Carnegie and Bessemer with steel ladle and forge discussing carbon alloys, or Vanderbilt and Morgan wallowing in piles of cash and stock certificates while armed guards stood watch over their bullion. Instead, I found a recluse in tattered clothing,