Evil Editor's Blog, page 407

PirateSpeak Sermon 9

"Avast, ye sons of biscuits," I shouted. "Our Cap'n may've drunk his last communion grog, but ye'll not be headin' home to watch TV sports, not till ye've heard a sermon, even if I must gie it meself."

The congregation groaned as one, but filed back into their seats.

"That be better, me hearties," I said. "I see the program be callin for a discussion of the parable of the lost sheep, but I've a tale ye might like better, ye scurvy dogs. 'Tis the parable of the lost ship, a tale I've told many a...

PirateSpeak Sermon 8

Arrgh. Vell, mateys, me ol' mate the Apostle Paul, 'e was a tentmaker. Arr, 'e made tents. 'Cause sometimes, ye just havta reelize a city don't want no preachers. Arrgh?

AARRRGGHH!!

Aye, mateys, I see that you agree with me. Now y'see, cities that don't want no preacher don't generally mind people who do a hard day's work. Same goes for other places, like the high seas. Arrgh?

AARRRGGHH!!

So when I came here, I says to meself, girl, when in Rome. And I got meself a cutlass, and booty for me f...

PirateSpeak Sermon 7

"Well there it is. Death at a funeral.

Avast me hardies, Captain Death has crept out of a bunghole and seized upon the right reverend Deadheart and like the landlubber Albert Camus once said "life is short and meaningless." Well shiver me timbers NOT. Captain Death has left the room like a Velvet Elvis flees from chumbuckets. Blackhearted bastard as he is, the Almighty decreed he only take one true pirate at a time.

But Sam the Shark who lies before, well he be the last of a long line. Great, g...

PirateSpeak Sermon 6

I hobbled up to the front of the room and whirled around. Peg legs offer a convenient pivot point. The parrot on my shoulder dug its talons into my tattered waistcoat as I gripped the sides of the podium.

"Arrgh vey," I said. I told you I was going to use that line. "It seems me matey Rabbi Cohenbergenstein has walked ye proverbial plank. Now he's gettin stuffed into Davy Jones's locker like a wee landlubber on his first day o' learnin. So now it's up to me to complete this bris."

The parrot on...

PirateSpeak Sermon 5

"I held my breath, my breasts trembling, nay, swelling over the neckline of my churchiest bustier. It had been quite a day already, what with running out of Cocoa Puffs and the minister collapsing all over poor Mrs. Trumble's plastic hip. But when the man with the sexiest peg leg I had ever seen clomped his way to the front of Our Lady of the Perpetual Flogging's congregation, I knew this Sunday would be special. Even more special than the day the choir rapped about birth control.

The riveting...

PirateSpeak Sermon 4

Aargh, I'm a pirate giving a sermon to a bunch of church-loving scrumpets. Walk the plank, walk the plank. You may think that's what I want you to do. But there you'd be wrong, mates. I'm a pirate, see, and I respect the church, the God up there. Cause otherwise we get struck down, see. Yeah, do unto others… Well, who says so. That's not God. Read the Bible, it's about power, land, booty, respect. I read the Bible, yeah, I read the fight scenes. Argh. Treachery, argh, that's the Bible.

Here go...

PirateSpeak Sermon 3

Ten minutes into the tribute launching the new ship and the pirates decided the priest needed to be introduced to Davy Jones' Locker. I was not sure what that meant but I got a good idea when his body was tied to the anchor and he was thrown overboard. I guess he shouldn't have mentioned the burning in hell part for pillaging and murdering.

Being the only one left qualified to bless the ship, (only because I had a Bible and could read and prayed once in awhile – usually in a, "Oh my God," kin...

PirateSpeak Sermon 2

Well, ye wenches an' biscuit eaters, hear ye this; 'tis a simple lesson Father Ahern was after tellin' ye today before he went aft tae Fiddler's Green: 'Tis a mighty sin to covet yer neighbour's treasure.

Shiver me timbers- ye thar, the scurvy lad in the starboard pew- aye, ye- look lively or ye'll be walkin' the... er... walkin' the... pulpit. Nae, we'll keelhaul ye o'er the steeple, ye scallywag!

Now, as I were sayin', ye'll go straight tae hell via Davy Jones Locker if yer caught covetin' ye...

PirateSpeak Sermon 1

"Gar, I be in charge of this voyage now, and ye be bowing ye heads now as a token of respect for our good friend and matey who be taken now by the sawbones, until he return to reclaim his place amongst the noble and fine, such as you are.

"So what have ye then? What manner of swabs be ye that come to hear the words which will spare ye from the tempest to come? Be ye the salt of the sea, or not? For knowest ye not that should ye lose the salt, ye be no better than a scurvy wretch laying in the ...

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